Roman Reigns surgery recap, complete with Tweets! Tom Phillips did a $9.99 soundboard plug with Riley. Riley talked about having a hernia, and Roman's being much worse with small intestine tissue poking through. Show calls Roman a Raw Dog, which I like as a moniker for him. Brock-Cena hype. Christian, who is nearing retirement due to injuries, was called a young man by both Cole and King. Commentary table now has the WWE Network on it. Christian looks better here than he did on one of the NXT panels, where he just looked old. Jericho might be more pale than Sheamus right now. Jericho and Christian did wacky comedy about their short-lived tag team name for TWELVE YEARS AGO. They debated about the team name, FROM 12 YEARS AGO. Christ, a promo about their short-lived tag team from 12 years ago. Vitamin C vs. The Sexy Beasts. Jericho-Orton recap. "Sorry Chris, IT'S THE SEASON PREMIERE!" What a ridiculous thing to start a feud with on every level. They've talked about a punt from years ago - SHOW THAT. Now Orton's here to add life, and he's referencing Terrance and Phillip. He said that Christian is out of action due to what he did, and that's why he can't compete, because of what he did. Jericho redid his bad snake puns from SD word for word. This was so so so bad. Show's up, so they aired the same Cena-Brock video twice.
PPV got going at 8:01 after a lot of Main Event and Raw stuff. The opening hype video showed the creation of the WWE Title in various forms, with clips showing historic champions. It's so very odd that on THE NIGHT OF THE SHOW, that aspect of things matters. Marked out for all the championship porn here. Usos have black as their main color, with white, yellow, and purple thrown about. It's a bit odd, but looks good together. An Uso hit a sliding D after a slam to Stardust. JBL and Cole debated over the World and WWE Tag Team titles, and Goldust POWERSLAMMED AN USO ON THE FLOOR! Cole and JBL joked about Tweets coming back to haunt people. Good back and forth between the Uso and Goldust here. Hot tag to the other Uso brings in Stardust for goofy offense. Knee work to Stardust leads to a dive to Goldust from the other one at the same time. Landing looked rough for Jimmy on the dive - hit his head right on the barricade. SAMOAN SUPERKICK PARTY. Dark Matter gets 2.9! Stardust tied him up and SLAPPED HIM WITH HIS GLOVE! Distraction schoolboy got a 2. Goldust's flip off the apron was topped with an Uso dive. Knees up for the dive gets a schoolboy win for the second time this week. It's a real shame these belts aren't gold - copper's going to look weird with them, and the gold version graphic used for the titles looked good. This was a pretty good match, but wouldn't have been an amazing TV match or anything. Goldust is so so so so so happy for Cody here.
Byron plugged Mountain Dew, before the Zigglers came in with Mountain Dew. SHIZOW IZOFF. Hey, Truth gets a payday - good for him. US Title is up - they're redoing the title history stuff before the matches, which is good. WHY THEY DIDN'T DO THAT WITH A BILLION HOURS OF TV, I HAVE NO IDEA. "Just as a reminder to those watching on PPV, YOU'RE PAYING $55!" What a strange thing to point out. HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT PAYING $10 FOR THIS, YOU'RE A MORON. FUCK YOU FOR SPENDING $55 INSTEAD OF $10. King actually called wrestling moves for a change. Cole recited WWE Facts™. Cesaro's got new different materialed black gear from the base and the beltline portion, with white CESARO text. JBL said they were blocking everything with their faces, and name-dropped Finlay for being stiff. Sheamus got the outside-in shoulderblock, but ate an uppercut going for the one off the top while standing on the buckle. King said that Cesaro doesn't look like a Superman, but he is. What an odd way to say that a guy is deceptively strong. Chinlock from Cesaro. Big clothesline from Cesaro brought about a WE WANT WRESTLING chant.
BACK TO BACK IRISH CURSE BACKBREAKERS from Sheamus. Cesaro ate some chest clubs, but counted midway, elbowed him, and hit a big boot on the apron! Loved that. Sheamus did an uppercut to Cesaro up top and HIT AN ICONOCLASM FOR 2. Brogue ducked into a VE Uppercut for 2.9! High knee sets up a tilt a whirl slam for 2 from Sheamus. Brogue countered into a schoolboy for 2, then he got a deadlift Tiger Driver for 2! BROGUE COUNTERED INTO THE ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE FOR THIS! These guys got things really clicking after the Iconoclasm. Cesaro slapped him a bunch for kicking out, so Sheamus countered with punches! Cesaro hits a Helluva kick, but eats a Brogue! This started off technically fine, but not exciting, and then got really good as it went on - kind of like the Takeover 4-way.
Show hyped Henry up for the Rusev match. HE'S FIGHTIN' FOR 'MERICA! Show gave him a singlet with the American flag colors and flag on it. And he's got a new rally towel! This ruled! Florida Georgia Line are out...for some reason. Cole said this was ONE OF THE BIGGEST PARTS OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS. This thing that wasn't announced. They're doing Tribute to the Troops, or "we're doing the honor the troops thing" as they said. Wow. IC Title is up. We were invited to check out WWE Slam City, which JBL groaned out. King told the singers that if someone goes outside, they throw them back in. Oh God I hope he just said that and the guys have NO CLUE WHO THEY ARE, so they just take them down. They talked about Dale Jr and Brad Pitt for some reason. I think one of them just gave away that Dolph's losing. This is a perfectly fine match, but the premise is killing it, and each word the commentators say puts another scoop of dirt on the grave. JBL explained the Spanish announce team joke in case the country guys got scared, or ever took things seriously for one second. Mizdow got pushed by the glam country guys. Dolph superkick gets 2. THE FUCKING HAIR ON...well, both of them really, but that pompadour is just ridiculous. Miz gets a figure four. Miz wins with a distraction O'Connor roll, which isn't any better than a distraction schoolboy, and Dolph does a moon spot with Miz pulling the trunks. THIS WAS HISTORY BEING MADE. Yikes.
Reigns recap. Seth's out and King IMMEDIATELY SAYS SETH COULD CASH IN TONIGHT! Seth's out to just talk. God no please. Seth should take credit for this with the buckle bomb. Loved him saying that emergency surgery wasn't an excuse to avoid showing up in Memphis. Seth wins by forfeit. Many words set up an open challenge. Ambrose came in via a cab, because he's a man goddammit! Dean got a massive pop for a double-leg and punches. JBL pointed out that Dean didn't pay his cabfare. Authority brought out goons, Dean beat them up, dove onto the stage and avoided them to keep fighting! Ambrose is so the man - I'd have made this a case match, give Dean the case and the title tonight. It's time. HALF A DOZEN MEN TOOK DEAN DOWN! A GODDAMN MOUNTAIN DEW AD AFTER THAT GREATNESS! Well, it definitely brought me down. This was a main event star-making bit for Dean. Panel talking.
Henry's out in his new awesome singlet. Lilian sang the national anthem, which had Henry in tears. Loving everything about this match's buildup so far. Lana in all-black to mourn America's demise here. THEY START WITH CLUBBERIN! Henry gets a lead, so Rusev stalls. Cole said the medal was given to Rusev by Putin. No, it was on Raw. Okay. A CHINLOCK WAS NOT THE WAY TO RETAIN THE MOMENTUM THIS HAD AT THE START. Henry counters the Accolade, but can't cover after the World's Strongest Slam due to the back injury sustained from an early ram into the steps. Running thrust kick from Rusev sets up the Accolade and the win. That was...underwhelming. Cole asked who could stop Rusev, which is a good setup for Cena. The Cell PPV is next in five weeks, and I think you've got to do Seth-Dean in a cell for the case. It's the only way to have a match that LOGICALLY NEEDS THE CELL STIP and fits the timeline of things.
Jericho came out to no reaction and his FINAL MATCH IN WWE NOW was so important that they just used it to plug WM travel packages. Cole talked about the Jericho-Orton bit earlier and censored "jackass" by saying "jack" nothing, leading to JBL saying A double crooked letter. Holy Christ how lame. Orton's got black, white, and bronze gear on. Baseball slide from Jericho led to an OH SHIT from Orton getting muted. They plugged the Network a ton. Cole rattled off WWE History for centuries. Cole reminded JBL about cage matches. Superplex from Orton. Chinlock. Mountain Dew is more important than this match. Ditto JBL's hat and papers being ruined by said Mountain Dew. Backdrop on the table sets up, of course, ANOTHER CHINLOCK! King and Cole saved their Diet Mountain Dews, thank God. NOTHING QUENCHES YOUR THIRST LIKE DIET MOUNTAIN DEW. I'm watching a parody. This has to be a joke. Jericho got the facebuster and double sledge, but eats the 3.0. Orton teased the punt by GOING TO THAT PLACE. Home Depot? Taco Bell, where they have MOUNTAIN DEW BAJA BLAST!? Jericho gets the walls after avoiding the punt. Draping DEW-DT! After a long time, Orton spun into the RKO setup. Codebreaker gets 2. After several centuries, Jericho jumped off the top into an RKO for the loss. Orton did a kneeling pose to a minor reaction.
Divas title match is up next, with the Total Divas theme playing. Paige's video from earlier airs here. Brie acted. With Byron. SOMEONE PLEASE SEND BRIE TO AN ACTING CLASS. ANY ACTING CLASS. If Brazzers has an eco-friendly one, have them do it. Jesus! Nikki's a lot like karma, they're both a bitch! Divas title history. It's now got the women's title lineage thrown in. LOLed at the tag title being used for that video. Nikki locked on the armbar since Alberto's gone. AJ rejected Paige's embrace, so she kicked her and screamed WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME before the headbutts. Hammerlock slam from Nikki - nice move, WOULD'VE BEEN SMART TO DO IT BEFORE THE ARMBAR THOUGH. Nikki was put in the Black Widow, but Paige yakuza kicked them both. Paige asked AJ if she was ready before Nikki powerbombed Paige into a suplex. Nikki gets the rack attack on Paige for 2. AJ bealed Nikki off the apron to the floor. CHRIST the thud that Nikki made there. AJ GETS THE BLACK WIDOW, but Paige tries to counter...BUT CAN'T. PAIGE TAPS THAT ASS TO WIN! Love Lesnar-Cena getting a NUMBERS vid. Would've been great on Raw though. Cena's out with white and grey camo. I think Brock's theme got an more badass opening. Cole pointed out that in 2014, Brock had three matches - he dominated Show, dominated Taker at WM, and dominated Cena at Summerslam. The giant belt looks good on Brock, but it's a bit gimmicky for a guy like Brock.
They charge like bulls and Brock pushes him to the corner and nails shoulder blocks. Cena blocks a German and hits a pair of lariats to send him down. AA GETS 1! KIMURA! Kinda don't like both of Brock's finishers being used as starter moves in the past month...but I enjoy replicating it in 2K14. Cena gets to the ropes, and eats some knees and back clubs. German suplex! Brock gets the standing kimura in the ropes, but breaks at 4 to still do damage. Grounded Kimura, but Cena gets the ropes. Cena goes for another lariat, BUT BROCK COUNTERS INTO ANOTHER GERMAN FOR 2! TRIPLE VERTICALS FROM BROCK get an Eddie chant, and the ref wouldn't count after a floatover - hurting the flow. Brock attacks with bodyshots in the ropes and hits a clothesline. JBL said that Brock became undisputed champion at UFC 100...against Shane Carwin. Well, he's half-right. JBL mixing up Brock's MMA history - but plugging UFC 100 nicely, available on UFC Fight Pass for only $9.99. Brock gets an overhead belly to belly for 2.
Cena fights with a weak knee to the gut and weak punches, so Brock sends him into the corner with the power of the Brock Cock. Cena kicked Brock off a corner charge and fought back with back elbows and forearms. GERMAN counter to the AA. Loved Cena's elbows there - they looked great. Cena's back is all bruised up from the knees to the back. Brock takes the gloves off - BROCK'S BARE KNUCKLE BABY! Brock then...uses shoulder charges. Brock charges in mid-ring and eats an AA for 2. F5 countered into the STF. Brock counters into the Kimura! Cena lifts him up and runs him into the buckle. AA INTO THE STF! YET ANOTHER AA, BUT SETH RUNS IN FOR A DQ! SETH TAKES OUT CENA AND CURB STOMPS BROCK! They announced the cash-in, but Cena hit him with weak punches, and then Brock hits the F5!