Monday, April 29, 2013

Raw 4-29-13

Raw, yes, RAW is opening with a Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Big E vs. Zeb match. Ricardo's dressed in Rico's gear. Winner's guy gets to pick the sticks for the title match at ER. Zeb's clapping and looks of glee as Big E mangles Ricardo are amazing. Could do without Cole burying Zeb for wearing a fishing vest. YAY, ZEB GOT IN SOME SHOTS. Looked good too. And then things got wacky with Zeb feigning an injury to prevent being murdered by Big E before Ricardo used the bucket on him. And then everyone ran in because triple threats are always no DQ when they need to do wacky bullshit. AJ in a hot black and pink outfit came in to prevent Zeb from winning, and Ricardo won with a schoolboy. This reminded me of Lil Boogey vs. Hornswoggle, minus JBL being super-hilarious on commentary here. Cena and Ryback are being FORCED to team tonight against the Shield and his injury was BIG-TIME NEWS ON WWE.COM, so in other words, it wasn't a bit deal anywhere, and Cena's going to celebrate world wish day, because WWE LOVES MAKE A WISH!

John Cena's WORLD WISH DAY, which sounds like either the made-up Love Day from the Simpsons, or that thing from the Star Wars Holiday Special. Also, WWE HAD 1.5 BILLION VIEWS ON YOUTUBE! They showed heart-wrenching footage of a kid born with half a heart, who WWE is devoting global time to so they can exploit. They showed Cena being nice - that's great, then showed a bunch of shots of the NEW WWE TITLE, AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE NOW ON WWE.COM. Also, John Cena has granted more wishes than anyone else. Wonderful thing for the kids, but it comes off as a bit sickening because how overboard they're going it. The kids get to be honorary WWE superstars, so I guess they get to play Wii all night. This feels like filler, and it's only 8:20. Then they made sure to talk about ALL OF THE GREAT THINGS WWE does. Lordy.

Orton's facing Cody. Good lord that was once a big deal. MORE WORLD WISH DAY stuff. WWE loves Make a Wish. WWE is privileged to be part of World Wish Day. Cody got a jobber intro. They did some moves. More moves. The crowd chanted for an RKO, so he did a dropkick. Loved JBL referencing the Garvin stomp by name. Then JBL talked about Dusty in polka dots and Cole said he was handcuffed by Saphire. HIS CAREER, he made sure to note. HOT DAMN - SOMETHING EXCITING - Disaster kick on the apron. JBL comparing Cody now to Orton as a rookie is hilarious. JBL had several orgasms over a superplex from Orton. This got great with an RKO Fever sign, the RKO being gone for, and Cody countering it into his finish. AMAZING spot there. Tremendous finish with an RKO off the Disaster kick. Striker asked Orton if he's haunted by what happened at WM. Please punt this man. And Orton's NEVER FELT MORE EXTREME, which means he RKOs Cody again. Nikki reminded Brie of their reality show on E...wouldn't she know it's on E and what it's called? One of them, or maybe both, are facing some form of Funkadactyl next.

It's Brie, the one without tats, facing someone. Nikki's tat is showing. They re-aired last week's promo on the show. YAY, Naomi's in the match! The Funkadactyls do the splits now to show off their asses. Twin Magic won, and Naomi didn't bother objecting. Instead, Cameron did, and Naomi got the win. Then they had a fight, according to Cole. The term fight being used here is an insult to pillow fights. YAY, Shield promo next about Taker's beating. They came out and had a great take no shit look on their faces. Someone wearing a BWO shirt in 2013. They fucked up a slideshow by not showing the Rock. It did lead to  a great recap of the Taker-Ambrose match's post-match beating. 3MB is out. I guess they didn't get their hand-written apology. It seems so wrong for The Shield to be involved with a geek squad, even if it's to kill them. Tag champs stopped the beating on 3MB...and then kicked their asses. Weird to see Bryan in NO gear and doing the YES bit. Ryback looked at Cena's taped up foot, which Cena noted was just hurt, not injured. And he's better on one foot than Ryback is on two. Why Ryback didn't do SOMETHING here, I have no idea.

Now they're shilling Domino's - in 20-30 minutes, the heart attack victim gets pizza delivered. BOY, I BET IT TAKES LESS TIME. Dolph is out for an unannounced champ vs. champ match. They showed Kofi winning to remind everyone that he's a champ. According to JBL, Kofi just became a dad - good for him. Cesaro faces Kofi to get his rematch, and ensure it'll be good, and watched by no one. They replayed a super-stiff kick from Kofi. They talked about AJ possibly being the divas title. Another guy would buy a Norelco razor and go fuck himself. I loved JBL being amazed that Cole was checking tweets instead of using the WWE APP. They talked about the triple threat earlier being an example of how risky the match is for Dolph...THAT COMEDY BULLSHIT WAS SERIOUSLY SUPPOSED TO BUILD A WORLD TITLE MATCH?! The damned Twitter crawl blocked AJ's ass. Kofi hit his kick and would've won if it wasn't for AJ putting his foot on the ropes. He then dove on Dolph and Big E, who tried to revive him. Finish got fucked up a bit, as Kofi missed a splash, but he dove too far out for the "Dolph rolled out of the way" story to be told properly. Big Ending to Kofi sets up Big E-Kofi for the title, and AJ being divas champ then was set up nicely too. Dolph used Henry's THAT'S WHAT WE DO bit. Oh, and Alberto might pick his match stip.

WWE HAS MORE FACEBOOK FANS THAN EVERY MLB AND NBA PLAYER! They did a wacky skit with AJ, Kaitlyn, and Nattie. Cody, or perhaps A MYSTERY MAN, gave her a gold-studded hat. Brock killing 3MB was shown, as was the HHH-Heyman deal. Ryback met with Brickie, who wanted to change the main event to a 6-man tag. He turned it down because Ryback rules. Raw has made Cole hungry, and the fans got the pizza. So Domino's will take forever to get your pizza to you, and may deliver it to the wrong people. Ryder's out to face Swagger, and remind people of Zeb's loss. LOLed at JBL calling Ryder a Belieber. Swagger killed Ryder, but not before JBL called him the seven figure Broski. Unless that refers to his bank account, it's a pretty stupid nickname. Tremendous spinning headscissors into the powerbomb, leading to the Patriot lock. Zeb has more of a tan than Swagger. Love him cheap-shotting Ryder afterwards. GO ZEB! Henry's walking backstage with a rope. Maybe he wants a match with Sheamus in a PRIDE rules match.

They showed an awkward shot of Striker for eons, oh, and Ryback left. Henry got cheered, and told the fans he didn't need their approval. Also, he's going to face two people in a tug of war - one being Tensai. JBL used this to talk about having a bullrope match with his pal, Eddie Guerrero. Henry won - I wonder how many points he got in the Team Challenge Series for this. Brodus is his next foe. Henry won, and Cole made sure to note PROPER TUG OF WAR RULES. If someone's arm goes below the knee, it's a DQ. I'm astonished that they didn't have a DQ just to fuck with things a bit. Sheamus came out, and after HENRY BEAT TWO MEN, he wanted to face him. Between this wacky shit reminding me of the TCS and JBL referencing Battle of the Network Stars, this felt like an ESPN Classic homage. Oh, and Sheamus won by letting go and kicking Henry. Brave babyface. IT'S WORLD WISH DAY, EVERYONE. Brickie and the tag champs had a wacky meeting. Kane wants revenge for Taker's beating. Vickie gave Brad a secret whisper. Yay, wacky intrigue!

Rock's tweet from last week was shown, and they hyped up Pain and Gain. Very un-PG film. Cena met with Brad and called him Braden Walker. That was amusing. Cena, SUPERCENA in fact, will be teaming with the tag champs tonight. Ricardo's out and they're showing Cesaro, #1 contender to the US Title, in the background as a jobber here against Alberto. Kinda surprised they haven't put Alberto's new logo on his gear instead of the falcon. Cesaro YODELED on the app, and now wears a beret and shades. Oh lordy. Cole is reading Webster's description of yodeling. The commentary tonight has been something. Alberto's ass was exposed during an armbar takedown. A BACKBREAKER ON THE RING APRON was a fucking app spot. He also yodeled on it during the break. Loved Cesaro's close-up left and right mounted punches. Then he did the same thing with standing Euro uppercuts.

By making the yodeling deal off-air, they've helped him seem like a bigger deal tonight. Sick snap German suplex with a bridge from Alberto. Big OLE OLE OLE chant. Loved the dive into the uppercut spot, and them bringing back Cesaro being super-disciplined. Kneeling superkick of megadeath hit perfectly for 2. Armbar was countered into a cradle, then back into the armbar for the win. Really awesome match, and much fresher than the other two good matches on the show. After talking about Alberto winning in ladder matches, Alberto made his triple threat match one. 6-Man tag is official.

Khali and Fandango are out for a dance-off. Summer Rae's back and a guy in a Harley shirt is Fandangoing. Khali was asked questions and answered them in Khalese. Then he danced and JBL plugged DDP Yoga. Summer Rae was named officially, and showed off her ass nicely. Fandango hit the Russian legsweep and legdrop combo. Shield's beating was shown from SD, and the face team came out. Kane faces Ambrose on SD, so I guess Ambrose gets a make-up win.

Ambrose's selling of a suplex was incredible - moreso since it led to an uppercut/slap combo. I loved Rollins running wild with gut shots in the corner ala Brock. Bryan did the best-looking surfboard in ages, leading to some VINTAGE KAIENTAI with a basement dropkick from Kane. I love everything involving Ambrose and Bryan in the match together, and also that Bryan is fairly seamlessly back in a main event role. LOLed at Cena's C'MON DANIEL BRYAN! Tremendous effortless Samoan drop to Bryan from Reigns. Cena keeps saying C'MON DANIEL BRYAN, and it gets better every time. Snap DDT ala Tiger Mask from Ambrose on the floor to Kane. In an odd move, neither Reigns or Rollins, who were right near him, tried to stop him. Reigns beat Cena after his ankle, or achilles, or whatever it is for that minute, went out on him. Having Ryback wear a wacky big leather jacket ala Goldberg in WWE doesn't do him many favors for that comparison, but is a cool look. Good match and a fine show if you skip all the filler. Except Khali/Fandango - that was at least amusing filler.

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Friday, April 26, 2013

SD 4-26-13

OUTSTANDING opening video focusing on Taker-Ambrose, oh and Alberto faces Swagger in a no DQ match. Zeb's now got a long red shirt on underneath his vest, making him look like a militant Santa. I loved Josh interrupting Cole's paper-thin analysis with more paper-thin talking of his own. Nice landing on his feet from the suicide dive from Alberto - great opening spot. JBL saying "HERE COME THE TOYS!" when weapons were brought in really killed them seeming like a big deal. Swagger said something other than We the People while talking smack - he's going to break Del Rio. No word on if he'll make him humble too. A freaking ladder is being used in the opener on SD. JBL is referring to EVERY SINGLE WEAPON as a toy. Good lord. He said that it might be tough for these guys to be ready in a month for the PPV match. Why? They've just been hitting each other with toys.

I loved Alberto using a cane instead of forearms for the rope backstabber spot. Seesaw spot with the ladder busted up Swagger's mouth. Great counter for the Swagger bomb locking in the armbar. Now JBL is laughing throughout match. Jesus, they're beating each other bloody with weapons and he's laughing. gutwrench powerbomb won, and it was a fine match hurt a lot by JBL. They hyped up that Swagger has beaten both the champ and Alberto before he's not winning. Nice of them to at least make him seem like a credible threat though. Show-Sheamus is on for tonight too - should be good, ditto Orton-Henry.

Sheamus hyping Bret's DVD seems a tad bit odd. WWE Magazine is now an app, and has DEEP, ENGAGING CONTENT! Aksana's slither on the apron is hot - I dug it being used against her with a dropkick to the ribs at one point. Also love JBL mocking Cole for not realizing that Layla's outfit was a union jack on Raw. Aksana is now trying to snap her fingers ala Raven. Now JBL is burying Josh after repeating what he said since he has no credibility. Ya know, I can't really blame Josh for just phoning it in. Layla won with a modified version of her wacky nine million flip cradle thing. It's called Infinity for some reason. They hyped the E! diva show. I'm already annoyed by this program, although I think they showed Cesaro kissing one of the Funkadactyls. YAY, the Shield 6-man tag gets recapped next!

 SMS ad, which led to Josh hyping up his commentary...which Cole then buried. BOO. The highlights are just the ending. Goddamn is the Shield amazing on the mic. Ambrose is one of the most unique mic guys they've had in years. Josh tried to put over Fandangoing at a wedding, but INSTEAD OF PUTTING OVER FANDANGO, JBL made sure to bury Josh. Then JBL got a taste of his own medicine when Cole knocked him for calling the chick Mrs. Fandango, although JBL defended himself by saying that no one knew her name, and it's better than calling her Dancing Hot Chick. His compromise was Ms. Fandango. Oh, and some fans Fandangoed, while some kids were confused as to what to do, so they just danced with each other. That was wackily adorable. Gabriel, THE CAPETOWN WEREWOLF, was dumbfounded by Fandango. JBL buried Josh again, then Cole buried him for not being on Raw. Just quit dude. Josh talked about Gabriel going coastering, I'm astonished JBL didn't bury Josh for that. Loved the jumping kick on the ropes, and the kick to the ribs in mid-air. He did basically Sandow's Russian legsweep with a backflip instead of the dipping Knox Out. Won with the legdrop off the top after Fandangoing. He's going to be a highlight in WWE 2K14 - he's already fun to play in created form in WWE '13 and Fire Pro Wrestling Returns (NOW ON PS3 AS A PS2 CLASSIC DOWNLOAD!). Loved him spinning the mic like a top, and JBL calling Cole a derp. Sheamus-Show is next, yay! This has been the most enjoyable first hour of SD in ages, so of course my DVD recorder won't let me record the show.

They recapped the Xeroxing in the Henry-Sheamus feud. Love Show using fella against Sheamus, and YAY CLUBBERIN! Running flying elbow from Show - tremendous. It's a real shame they didn't build up ANYTHING from SD on Raw, because this show has ruled, and it's got some big-name matches. JBL implying that the step across the gut will make you shit yourself was a bit much. Tremendous Jones-Sonnen hype vid. TREMENDOUS bump from Sheamus after a shoulder to the buckle spot since he soared to the floor from it. Weird bump into the steps though - he went to his knees and put his hands up in front of his chest and fest before hitting them kinda sorta. LOLed at JBL calling Show's gameplan "perfect! ALMOST FLAWLESS!". Show doing a top wristlock looks tremendous - he could really make a basic armbar into a credible finisher given his size. I wouldn't mind seeing him turn the armringer>behind the back flipping armbar spot into one. Love the fans in the front row going Brogue and doing the arm beating deal too. He went for White Noise instead. NOW it's time for the kick. Love how Henry's distraction led to a KO punch while Sheamus was up top - nice way to mix that up. Outstanding slow-mo of it too - Show laid the punch in perfectly.

Rock looked shockingly gigantic after surgery for muscle tears. Not quite sure how those could've happened. Maybe he should go back to being a kids movie guy so he doesn't feel any further pressure to get gigantic. Yay, Regal-Barrett is up...ensuring that at least one 'hometown" guy loses. Barrett called Regal a dead man...that's a bit much given that he did nearly die. And then they had a minute-long match with them teasing fnishers 40 seconds Probably should've put that on ME so it could be given time. Barrett didn't lose - he just beat a corpse as he called him, quickly. Heyman-HHH recap is up, as is Orton-Henry. According to Cole, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE WATCHING ORTON front of a huge crowd. Fine recap of Show KOing Sheamus thanks to Henry. Nice punch combo from Orton - actually took Henry off his feet with it too. JBL put Henry over as the largest Olympian ever. Loved Cole agreeing with Henry's THAT'S WHAT I DO! Tremendous silly face from Orton during the draping DDT attempt. Brogue kick gave Henry a win via DQ, which Orton didn't seem to mind since he hit the RKO. Ad for No One Lives, a film that No One Watches. Ryback-Cena-Foley recap vid is next.

Raw hype vid is talking about Ryback being the number 1 contender, which he must've earned by LOSING AT WRESTLEMANIA since he hasn't won a match since. It's a real shame that Ryback's probably not winning the title, because now he'll not just be a choke artist as a face, but as a heel. Maybe he can win it a few years too late like Luger, and turn on a bi-monthly basis too. Ryback's promo was way better in highlight form. Loved the dramatic God of War music playing while Ryack and Cena faced off - maybe Ryback can dress as Kratos for a Halloween edition of Raw. SuperCena not only saves Foley, but The Ryback too. Maybe he can save some firefighters and rescue kittens from trees, too.

It's unreal to see Taker on SD, in his second TV match in a week, and on back to back days in real-time. Whatever he had done over the past years clearly did some good. Taker's SARA tat removal just made that skin pale white, so it's still quite readable. I love Ambrose coming out and being annoyed by people touching him, and how he's got his hands in front of him at all times - almost like he's cuffed. Great dueling LET'S GO PHENOM/LET'S GO TAKER chant. Baseball slide on the apron forced Taker to the floor - a bump that honestly surprised me. He's bumping around really well for Ambrose's offense. Terribly-ADRed line from Cole about Team Hell No not being there due to being on the Raw tour fit the match nicely, but should've been mixed in better. Nice super-slow neckbreaker from Ambrose, it really made every single part of the move seem important because of how he did it. Throat slash from Ambrose into a choke was great. Lots of nice punches and a knee to the gut for good measure. Chokeslam to Ambrose led to a shot to Rollins, and a low blow>snap DDT from Ambrose. That led to him hovering over Taker and getting locked in the Hell's Gate for a quick tapout and a beating to Taker.

Ambrose lost the battle, but won the war. HOT DAMN, a spear through the barricade. Thankfully, unlike Spike a few weeks back, they let the HOLY SHIT chant go through. Then Ambrose talked some shit to him. Chair to the back. Wow. Taker's determined to do as much as possible to put guys over while he still can. Ambrose freaking out like Orton to the "you tapped out" chant was great. Triple powerbomb through the table led to Taker smacking his head on the wheels of the chair. Ambrose screaming WE ARE THE NEW GUARD! was unsettling. Outstanding show - best SD in ages.

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Thursday, April 25, 2013

TNA Impact 4-25-13

Hogan's doing a promo before the show talking about fighting Bully on Spike IN A MATCH. Also, Spikeamaniacs is now a phrase. Show-opening vid involves the Aces making faces look like jobbers and Hogan looks like an asshole. The Aces were threatened by security, who were told by Bully that Anderson would bite their faces off. I'm fine with Anderson resorting to cannibalism if it prevents him from saying words. AJ's calf slicer was highlighted, and it's now called the calf killer. Great stuff there. SORRY ABOUT YOUR GOSH DIDDLY DARN LUCK! Tremendous sign. Kaz and Daniels were tremendous talking about TNA needing numbers, FOUR to be exact - VIVA LA FORTUNE! Crowd gave no shits about this until Storm got low blowed. Then the Aces came out. Anderson took nine hours to set up a powerbomb, which gave Park enough time to save Storm. Park got 3Ded for his efforts though.

LOLed at Bully saying that there no heroes left and citing Joseph Park. Tenay said that AN HOUR AGO, Hogan left the building...before he shot the pre-show promo apparently. They hyped up the KOs, leading to...Taryn coming out. Her outfit rules, and two guys in wacky bolo tie suits were amazed. They came back and Hogan's back - they pointed out the idiocy of the timeline problem and Hogan told the guy to shut up. They hyped up some silly thing with Dixie on Twitter involving being the GM in the war room or some shit. They did a bunch of moves, some fine, and Taryn won with a schoolgirl during the booty shake sault. Robbie E met with Jesse, who wasn't with Tara. Terry-Jesse is up next...WHY IS THIS ON THE LIVE SHOW AND NOT THE TAPED ONE!? I liked Robbie hyping up George Washington-bro and Al Bundy-bro. I demand a Bro-Maam faction in TNA.They showed house show stuff to hype those up, and the Joker's Wild PPV is next week. Jesse showed that he's about five billion times better than Terry right now. Fireman's carry Freakbuster won. Rob Terry can do that and a side slam pretty well. TNA's got new graphics for the show that look way better.

Bad Influence met with Roode. Oh yeah, Fortune had five guys in it. Aries heard the pitch, and they came back with a weird angle showing Taz being counted down to talk. They teased that Jeff Hardy might retire while Tenay made wacky faces. Then they aired a shocking Sabin return vid. It's not shocking that he's returning, just that they're hyping it up! Nice vid showing his injuries, him training out and getting the phrase HAIL SABIN over as much as possible. I'm quite excited about this - they seem to be finally pushing someone in the X division seriously. Shame they've spent seven years burying the division in some way or another. Aries talked to Roode about his loyalty, and brought up that they are just a team of world champions, but if Fortune was so good, why did he beat him? This was really good stuff. Despite not even saying the Dirty Heels would face the tag champs before the last segment, they made this match seem important.

Daniels replaced Tenay, and oddly said that they're here to bring the salad days back to TNA. Why is no one in TNA ever happy with how things are presently? I'm digging his nickname of Bo-Ro for Roode though. Roode didn't tag Aries in, but it could've been an accidnet since he was just looking at Bad Influence. I loved the delayed vertical that went on for nine hours from Hernandez. Air Mexico missed. Aries' mockery of Chavo with the shuffle always amuses me. Aries took the greatest wacky crotching bump ever, and Daniels' attempted help backfried and cost his bestest buddy Bobby the match. This wasn't quite as good as their prior matches, but furthered the storyline nicely.

They showed some really hot Mickie pics from the new KO site and then...Matt Morgan cut a promo. I think he'll be at the show later. They showed a Hogan's Beach press conference with Hogan giving a coach a TNA Belt. The TNA replica belt looks outstanding. Sting's past with Bully was hyped - it would make sense, if Hogan doesn't win the title, to have Sting win since he's always been TNA's savior for some reason. It also showed Morgan's beard looking perhaps a foot long because he was apparently the focus of this. And now he's coming out. So much for the show flying by. He's upset about not being number 1 contender...when he was hanging around Joey Ryan...Yeah. He also said that Hogan and Sting were best buds FOR 25 YEARS! Morgan invited Hulk to come on down...about an hour and a half after he said he'd start the show at 8 PM. A fan's got a Rubix sign - maybe he worked a dark match. Matt Morgan put himself over by saying he's big and tall, and that's it. Hard to believe they've been doing basically the same "destined for world champ" deal with him for like five years in TNA. Also, he exists on a planet were Matt Morgan is in demand. This angle feels like reading through a book with several chapters missing. OH MY GOD, Hogan's talking about the Shea stadium robe snatching angle. I totally forgot about it. Hogan said HE HOPED MATT MORGAN WAS THE SECOND COMIING OF THE MANIA. Oh my God. Hogan didn't have his extensions in, which just highlighted how old his neck looks. This ate up A LOT of time. KOs title match is up next.

They recapped Hogan saying he'd come into the ring with Bully later. Bully said that he didn't want anyone coming in. ON THE CLOCK lets you choose between Rashad Cameron, Rockstar Spud, or Suicide for the first show in May for an X title shot. Crowd is shockingly hot for the KOs title match. Todd said "NICE STRIKING ABILITY ON DISPLAY FROM VELVET SKY". Amazing. She tweaker her knee and Mickie went after it with a leg hold. They came back and Velvet reversed the hold on Mickie. They did a hilarious enzuiguri spot. Velvet's selling of the knee got funnier and funnier as the match wore on. Velvet won with a flash cradle that looked like shit and basically pinned herself. Bully talked with Devon, while Hulk talked with Brooke Hogan, who chose a meeting with her father to show her tits off.

It's 9:51 - time for the main event promo. They exchanged words, Bully spat on him, and Hogan tore the shirt, thew a few punches, and tossed into into the ropes for the big boot before Bully left and the Aces surrounded him. The lights went out, took forever to get back on, and when Sting was shown with Hogan backed up on the buckle, it made sense. He bonked guys with the bat and Hogan did some punches. Hulk's saggy skin made this sadder than usual and my God, it's 2013 and they're building up Hogan and Sting a main event match AGAIN.

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Monday, April 22, 2013

Raw 4-22-13

The Shield's SINISTER PLOT against Taker results in a match tonight. And good lord is Cena's stilted dialogue a killer to hype up these opening vids. JESUS CHRIST is a close-up on Heyman's a face a terrifying way to start Raw. Heyman hyped up the footage of the 3MB's destruction as excellent, and oh my yes it was. Best squash match in ages. Then he hyped up HHH as a first-ballot HOFer. Tremendous. Heyman having no idea how he's considered a liar was glorious. HHH isn't being a star by pedigreeing a middle-aged non-wrestler. This was an outstanding use of 10 minutes. Dolph faces Jericho in their latest...should be good, but probably won't be great match.

THE WWE APP HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED OVER FIVE MILLION TIMES! It's free, so what? Truth's out and they've got the WE'RE IN ENGLAND, SEE phone booth and old tyme car. Truth's rapping again. What's Up is over instantly. JBL rolling his eyes at Cole rapping was appropriate. He should've done that for Cesaro's yodeling - maybe they'd nix it then. Big E is tweeting about a new intro that MAY include a horse-drawn carriage and/or sparklers. Truth won a nothing match in a few minutes. Holy crap. Truth also has a giant cross as a back tat now.

The show might be peaking with THE SHIELD ARRIVING VIA HELICOPTER and leaving that via Range Rover. Tons of Funk are out since Brodus is facing Cody. There's a Sandow cosplayer in the crowd being bowed to - tremendous. The crowd is Fandangoing and is cheering JBL. Sandow did the worst Savage necksnap ever. Won with a cradle thanks to the tights though. Generic Velocity heel #3395 win. He's now THE COUNT OF CLASS as well. They recapped the world title win from Dolph. Dolph admired the belt, and AJ called him Zigglypuff and Dolph knocked E for creeping during AJ-Dolph time.

WWE IS AN AMAZING COMPANY, AND JOHN CENA LOVES MAKE A WISH KIDS. GO TO WWE COMMUNITY TO FIND OUT HOW AMAZING WWE IS! Cole recapped the Punk deal while two fans, dressed as Hogan from different eras were behind the announce team. The Shield cut an awesome promo on Taker, with Ambrose being amazing and both Reigns and Rollins continuing to improve to be somewhat close to him. Ambrose has a career far beyond in-ring in WWE - he'll be the next big manager they have if they ever get big into them again. Jericho's out to face Zigglypuff next. Jericho was shown making Dolph tap to hype this match up. How nice of them to remind everyone of him being a loser. Cole reminded everyone that Jericho's CONTRACT WAS TERMINATED THANKS TO DOLPH and that took him out for a few months. Another fine reminder of wackiness that probably wasn't needed. I loved Jericho doing wacky foot movements to escape a headscissor by Dolph. They brought up Jericho losing to Fandango at 'Mania while saying he's got a shot here at being in the world title match...shouldn't Fandango want a part of that action, too?

Crowd Fandangoed again after the break. They went for...something in the corner that wound up getting fucked up. Dolph did a sleeper and they showed a hickey on his thigh. Then after the jumping DDT, they showed Jericho's evolving bald spot. Loved the crowd doing a wave and Jericho joining in. Not so much digging the WE ARE AWESOME chant. Fandango's theme hit during the walls and gave Dolph the win - I'm fine with that. Odd to not have Fandango there though. They showed Ryback leaving Cena last week, and announced Cena-Ryback for the title...a shot that Ryback earned via losing to Henry on the biggest show of the year. Josh asked Mick about how this era is different from the Attitude era, and Mick instead talked about Ryback-Cena. Okay then. The I'd FAQ Me Norelco ad aired.

Cody's out to face Sweet T, who I'm guessing will win to ensure proper 50/50 booking for the mid-card, unless you're Cesaro, in which case, you can never win. I'm astonished Cole didn't make up a story about Cody giving facial hair tips to the royal family. Love the delayed butterfly suplex from T. JBL talked about Cody being SWASHBUCKLING! Loved Sandow demanding that the ref learn to count, please. Cody's got a giant red welt on his thigh. TENSAI HIT A MONKEY FLIP! Holy shit. JBL compared Tensai's rolling senton to Otto Wanz, which bewildered Cole. Shovelin' Senton got the win for Tensai. Dug this match - probably his best one since returning that didn't involve Sheamus. Kane and Bryan did a hilarious, wacky skit involving Taker, cell phones, diagrams, and hugging before the Shield attacked them.

They replayed this then had Cole spew bullshit over SD's tag match main event SETTING THE WORLD ABUZZ. Great highlight reel for it, but nothing about it seemed like it would be worthy of SETTING THE WORLD ABUZZ. Maybe it was the Big Show's chokeslam...that he does in every match. Josh asked Ryback to "explain his actions", which for some reason didn't result in Ryback massacring him. He also wants Foley in the ring tonight. RYBACK RULES. Okay then. Big E's got a new theme that lacks any of the flow of his last one, but has added weightlifting chalk to his entrance. WWE.COM COUNTS DOWN THE 50 GREATEST WWE TITLE MATCHES IN HISTORY because the title turns 50. Ryder might last 50 seconds in there with Big E. Love the use of the triple backbreaker spot - shame they took that out of the WWE games. Nice backflip bump from E off the missile dropkick from Ryder. Big E's theme says 3 ain't enough, he needs 5...which isn't his gimmick now. Shield 6-man is apparently next.

Show came back to a recap of the Shield-Taker deal from two weeks ago. Taker's intro looked even cooler with the Union Jacks to the side of the set. Taker was 1-on-3 for a few seconds, but Team Hell No saved him. Great little brawl before the break. Nice Kaientai-esque spot from Bryan and Kane with the basement dropkick-surfboard spot. Taker came in shockingly early and did some jabs and fell during a short-arm clothesline. Surreal to see Jon Moxley in the ring with the Undertaker in a match. Audio muted for a second which was a bit odd. JBL put the Shield over as possibly the best faction in WWE history, and Cole backed it up by saying they've never lost, including at WM. Rollins took an amazing VINTAGE JANNETTY flip bump for the flying clothesline. Ambrose is trending worldwide and Rollins took a tremendous back bump off the suicide dive - kinda like what Roode took off a whip into the buckle against Sting a few months back. Rollins is determined to make himself a star in this match.

Cole plugging THE WWE APP will not age well when this match hits a Taker set at some point. Taker came in and ruled things - nearly hitting a double chokeslam before a Reigns spear saved them for a 2. Taker was so great here - showing great speed and even hitting a legdrop. Bryan got in, missed the flying headbutt AND THE SHIELD WON, technically beating the Undertaker in his first match on Raw in three years. Holy crap. The main event will be Foley and Ryback saying things...yeah this should've closed the show.

They showed the Rock's tweet about having his intestines shoved back into his stomach. Cena told Mick that NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THE WWE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO QUESTION THE TOUGHNESS OF THE HARDCORE LEGEND, MICK FOLEY. What a bizarre statement. Crowd Fandangoed after Cena gave Foley a chair. YAY, FANDANGO! JBL wants to Fandango Summer Rae. Regal came out and got a huge crowd, then he danced a bit. They showed a Dollph tweet where he literally told the marks to stick it, brother! Loved the dipping spinning Flatliner, and Jericho dancing with Summer Rae after he attacked Fandango. Loved King calling Regal Steve, JBL saying it was WCW and Cole bringing up THE REAL MAN'S MAN!

Alberto Del Rio faces Swagger in a no DQ match on SD, so I guess Swagger wins that. Divas battle royal is up next. Digging Layla's union jack gear, not so much Tamina's giant arm bruise. AJ won after stuff and a TON of awkward commentary. Loved her playing dead and then winning at the end. Also showing her ass off nicely while leaving. Foley's coming out to say stuff. But first, WWE PROGRAMMING IS SOCIALLY ACTIVE! Mick came out with his chair and dressed shockingly nicely given his usual flannel. They showed some short clips of his speech and plugged his comedy shows. They're trying to get Ryback merch over, but it seems odd for his theme to still be chantable and for him to not change anything about his intro.

Foley admitting that he's broken down is quite sad. There's a way to get over "Ryback is more dangerous than anyone or anything Foley's faced" rather than saying it's only due to Foley being broken down. Foley said that he was champion through heart, while Ryback can be champ through force, and then Ryback told him to SHUT. UP. in the most stilted manner possible. Ryback then just spouted the script aimlessly for a while and refused to put any kind of a break between sentences, let alone words. Cena came out to save Foley, who as noted is old and too broken down to do anything, and exited through the second and bottom ropes. Shield came down and King took ages to realize that Cena leaving the ring was a sign of him returning the favor to Ryback, again showing a major face lowering himself to the level of the heel - like Sheamus with Henry. In a nice twist, Cena actually showed more character than Sheamus by HELPING HIS ENEMY with a chair and forcing the gang to leave. Cena then gave Ryback an AA out of nowhere...well they sure couldn't have made Ryback look much worse tonight.

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Friday, April 19, 2013

SD 4-19-13

In summation - Alberto-Swagger was their best match yet and well-worth seeing, the rest was largely skippable. Main event was good, but would've been better in clipped form.

Alberto being a dipshit and wanting a rematch with a bum knee on Raw was recapped, along with THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION jobbing, during the intro vid. Also, Orton and Sheamus overcame the odds in beating one guy. Fandango's girl has a super-hot blue and gold dress on and it's riding quite high. They showed three people pointing their fingers in the air, which constituted FANDANGOING TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Also, FANDANGOING IS NOW BIGGER THAN THE HARLEM SHAKE. Okay, meme dead. WWE has killed it. Fandango has a nasty wound on his right shoulder that is incredibly distracting. As is using "Fandangoing" is a euphemism for fucking. He's rambling on forever about his name...did they shoot an hour of actual programming because the filler is already apparent less than ten minutes into the show. Santino's right arm is now entirely covered in tattoos. Santino is now dancing with a sock puppet on his hand...this is prime time TV. Oh good, Cole's laughing so you know it's REALLY FUNNY. Instead of it taking 20 minutes for a holla holla tag match, it took them TEN MINUTES TO SET UP SANTINO-FANDANGO.

FANDANGO'S ENTRANCE THEME IS TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM. Now they're talking about world championship dancers. Santino is missing kip up as a lot to set up Fandango destroying him. JBL is so bored by this, he's not even trying to get Santaino's name right. Fandango's new finisher is yet another variant on the Complete Shot, only instead of the little boogie he did on Raw a couple of weeks ago, it's basically the Knox Out. Well, that's at least a bit different from Random Mid-Card Finisher #2903. Booker and Teddy are in mid-expositional argument. OH NO. Show is rightfully pissed at Booker for putting him in a handicap match and thankful to Teddy for giving him a partner tonight against TWO MEN. Well, that's valid. Why are the heels being made more sympathetic than faces? Nice recap of Kofi's title win - actually makes the title win seem important. And he's facing at least one champ gets to look weak. TREMENDOUS hype vid for Taker's first match on Raw in three years. Gorgeous shot of he and Team Hell No bathed in smoke. So hyped to see Bryan in the same ring with Taker.

They're talking about the Kofi-Barrett feud being reborn here, and somehow tying that into WWE's site devoted to how great a corporation WWE is. Kofi's character considers Random US Title Win #233 for him to be a bigger deal than HIM MAIN EVENTING WITH RANDY ORTON. TREMENDOUS punt kick to Kofi's ribs on the floor. Cole's talking about his Coke spilling and JBL is mocking him for using a fiber supplement, further making the content on this show seem meaningless. Kofi's landing some shockingly good shots to the ribs - for a guy who mainly does flashy stuff, he's actually able to throw some stuff that looks credible. I love Kofi winning the same way the Kid did against Ted DiBiase - heel got cocky, went for a lazy pin, and he got cradled to lose. It's a shame the Samoan drop used to set it up looked so terrible. The ENTIRE NEW SHEAMUS-HENRY FEUD IS like ten seconds since they just did the same spot on two shows. And now Sheamus is lowering himself to the heel's level by attacking him out of nowhere. Wonderful.

Oh goodie, a recap vid for the world title feud they've already recapped. Alberto-Swagger is up with no hype beforehand. Third time this match has happened in two weeks. I love JBL calling Cole out on the idiocy of calling Zeb Jack's founding father. Cole using the phrase "deja vu from Raw" amuses me greatly. They did some moves and went to a break. The show's 50 minutes old and dragging terribly. Swagger stayed in control, DURING THE BREAK ON THE WWE APP. Well, my life feels richer for knowing that. JBL calling this a physical chess match was ALMOST VINTAGE ZBYSKO! This "bad leg" angle would be easier to grasp if both of Alberto's legs weren't wrapped up with some kind of medical device - black supporter for the right, and white bandages for the left.

Yes, yes Jack can say WE THE PEOPLE. Somehow, those three words constitute propoganda to Cole. JBL rightly called him out on that. I like Ricardo chanting along with the forearms to the back before the backstabber. Hot damn, a new method for the armbar! I dig it. Armbar into the ankle lock...and then he just got the ropes. Match might've peaked there. Second Swagger bomb gets countered into a possible kick, leading to a possible ankle lock and counter again. Nice basement superkick from Alberto. This is actaully getting very good, which is more than I can say for their WM match. Sweet rollthrough into the ankle lock into the armbar again, then a cover out of it from Swagger and a cradle wins. Yup, that was worlds better than the WM match. Ryback on Raw will be recapped next.

Outstanding recap of the Ryback deal since it showed Ryback being attacked a bunch and... Cena not helping him like he said. Justifable heel turns are always a lot better, even if this one's a bit shaky due to the needlessly wordy promo. Cena's portion of this would've been better if they'd edited out the "AND WE WERE FRIENDS!" bit since, while it makes sense now given that everyone's a face, they weren't then, so it all seems fake. YAY SHIELD PROMO. Love Rollins doing YOU CAN'T SEE ME and Reigns saying that doesn't work anymore. I love the Shield explaining that Ryback's on their side now due to understanding injustice. Love Ambrose basically saying that beating the Shield is more impressive than 'Taker's streak since that's only at WM, and they're undefeated, period. Cannot believe that on Raw, Jon Moxley, Tyler Black, and Bryan Danielson will be in the ring with 'Taker in what will probably be his final TV match.

Khali's wacky bunch is wrestling. Rosa, Primo, and Epico are their opponents...due to a parking space. Khali in a tiny car seems quite painful. AND WHY WAS HORNSWOGGLE DRIVING when Nattie was there? Cole expositing about Bret Hart and Neidhart is amusing. Everyone bickering over James Brown, James Bond, and Khali's movie history was something. This was a disaster to the degree that Cole apologized for this, begged folks to not turn the channel, and then said this would only happen in WWE. That's quite the burial of the company. Hooray, ANOTHER RECAP FROM THE SHOW THAT MATTERS. Punk's promo did rule though. And now it's time for ANOTHER RAW RECAP - involving Brock. This show is going to die a ratings death judging from the last 15 or so minutes.

WWE SUPERSTARS AND DIVAS SIGNED OVER 50,000 AUTOGRAPHS DURING MANIA WEEKEND. Brock's attacks are so great with JBL narrating them. Brock is amazingly light on his feet still despite age, injuries, and generally not liking pro wrestling. Henry came out and Cole said you had to admire Sheamus for what he did - attacking someone in a cowardly fashion and lowering himself to their level. Outstanding video for the HOF ceremony via digital distribution until MIDNIGHT. A fan has a very non-PG sign with Sheamus's face on a drawn dick. Well, he is a dickhead. I love Show doing Sheamus' over the ropes clubbering, but with overhand chops. I'm digging Sheamus's roll off the missed battering ram with him landing flat-footed - very impressive for a guy his size. Josh saying THERE ARE 17 WORLD TITLES between these four guys really made being a world champ seem meaningless. The longer they linger on Sheamus doing the White Noise on Show, the more evident it is that Show is clasping his hands together to help him. Nice grounded kneelift from Show to Sheamus. I love Show bringing back a cocky cover for the Final Cut. Cole called this AMAZING TAG TEAM WRESTLING. It's fine, but I wouldn't go that far. It's a lot like a mid-'80s AWA match where you'd have Greg Gagne team with some random big name, they'd have a perfectly fine match, that would be it. Show and Sheamus trading shots back and forth rules. Show locking him in a Vulcan nerve pinch rules slightly less, but does work because JBL is talking about it affecting Sheamus's ability to use his right hand. TREMENDOUS face on Sheamus after a back club from Show. Nice high kick from Henry and kneeling DDT from Orton. Chokeslam from Show to Orton wins.

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Thursday, April 18, 2013

TNA Impact Wrestling 4-18-13

Nice Boston memorial graphic starts the show. There's entirely too much of Anderson saying words in the opening vid. The Devon-Joseph deal seems to be building up Park as TV champ. I didn't notice it before, but on the replay, Hardy nearly hit his head on the ropes coming off the ladder. Tenay made OFFENDED TENAY FACES again when Taz started talking. The post-show video made the ladder match seem even more important - and that's with it having the second recap of its major events in the first three minutes. Devon met with Garett and Wes in...the circuit breaker section of the clubhouse.

Wes and Garett's handicap match with Angle is starting the  show. I love them also no-selling the Aces and 8s costume guy. Great recap of their feud, complete with some nice sepia-toned shots of Angle. They made Wes-Angle seem pretty epic too, which is good because I completely forgot about it. Love Tenay knocking Taz for SPREADING NONSENSE! Tremendous. Angle chucked Wes out to set up the ad break. This ad is pretty darned appealing - it is a pain to head to the post office sometimes. Tenay is super-offended by a low blow. I liked Taz justifying it by saying Kurt's a cyborg. Could've done without them rambling about this low blow for minutes though. Love the ref helping Kurt do a German to both guys. Thanks to the whole gang coming out, the rookies beat Angle. I really dug this. Shield-esque double powerbomb to Angle from Wes and Bischoff. With the Aces taking over the powerbomb spot, maybe their nickname should be the Hounds of Harley. I dug that...goddammit, Anderson is talking. The badass biker is cackling like the Joker.

I love having the X division 3-way guys cut a promo about the match, the new rules of the division, and strategy. It almost makes the title seem important, and if they had a major guy in the division AND ACTUALLY TREATED THE DIVISION LIKE IT MATTERED, it would be a huge step in the right direction. Kenny King's got a new theme that kind of sounds like something they'd give the Godfather. The X Cam debuted, and is very yellow. Also, the ref's got a beanie on. Everything about this looks silly. This camera really brings home all of the excitement of...a guy running, and the ref raising his arms. But more yellow. Petey got the Destroyer 2 minutes in on King, but Ion made the save. Boring chant is here, despite a week of post-production work being possible. I liked Ion's DDT-esque half crab - the ref cam worked here since it focused on Petey's face during the hold he was suffering in. Petey brought his A game here and kicked ass with an outside-in German suplex and springboard rana to the floor. Super-long sharpshooter from Petey gave King the pinfall win once he hit a knee on Petey. Nice finish. Magnus apparently gets a TV Title shot tonight. Great. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THEY HYPE THIS UP!? It's a chance for TNA to get a title back and they just now bring this up as not only happening tonight, but it's next.

BUY THE DIXIE CARTER FIGURE! It seems a tad odd for a company's President to have the stars and bars on her merchandise. Brooke Hogan and Christy shilled the new KO site. Brooke Hogan then met with Tess and Mickie about stuff. Good God the acting here. Doc and Magnus prevented the TV Title match by attacking Magnus. Knux and Doc hit a nice double chokeslam on the ramp to Magnus before Joe came out. I liked this - it made the Aces seem like cowards when the odds are even, and builds up the eventual TV Title win by Magnus nicely. They came back and recapped the Magnus beating. Joe yelled at the Aces. THEY'RE CHUMPS, NOT CHAMPS! Joe apparently had time to threaten THE POWERS THAT BE during the break and gets a match with Devon tonight. These AJ vids get funnier and funnier with each passing week, largely due to them not editing out the ridiculous shit. They showed their site video of Velvet getting her knee hurt on Impact in the match with Joey as ref. I love the camera focusing on her cleavage as much as possible during this knee injury report.

Tess and Mickie came out, and their match looks like it'll go on without a break during it. They did a dueling collar and elbow before Mickie did the most awkward setup for a cross armbar yet. This went on so long they did a mid-match edit to take out some lulls. This was awful, but entertainingly so. AJ was backstage being all emo with Bad Influence, who sang WE'RE THE BEST FRIENDS ANYONE COULD HAVE! That was great. Then Joseph Park got horribly assaulted by Team 3D and thrown into a shower. Mickie cut a promo basically being an annoying bitch. They recapped the tag title deal from last week, then Bad Influence came out. Work on Bad Influence: The Movie is in production, and Morgan Freeman's in talks to play Dixie. This led to Aries and Roode coming out with Aries saying that if they spent as much time...together as Bad Influence, they'd be a well-lubed machine too, and that they can put all the meat they want in their mouths because he's a vegan. This led to the champs coming out and sending the heels packing. This was odd, but amusing. Joe-Devon is next and for the TV Belt. I liked Kenny King and Gail cutting a promo against the Aces - reminds me of WCW uniting as one against the NWO. They recapped the Magnus attack again. Morgan said more words. He does nothing for me. Joe and Devon actually was a match. Taz said a bunch of stuff while Devon locked a chinlock on. Anderson gave Devon the win thanks to some knux. Brass, not Mike. After the match, they had Anderson do the most cartoonish knux shot in history. It was impossible to take this seriously due to him.

KOs title will be on the line next week, and the former tag champs get their rematch next week. Loved the fat guy in the front row nodding his nead to Storm's theme when he came out. AJ's got black and silver gear and is wearing his leather jacket/hoodie combo. Very natrual evolution here. I loved Tenay saying that these guys were here since day one, and when Taz said so what, he said without them, Taz (and by extension, the other old guys) wouldn't have a job. Tremendous stuff...until Taz buried TNA by saying he was a revolutionary force in another company that made a bigger impact than TNA. I liked AJ being more methodical here - it fit his angrier character. Tenay talking about AJ being shut out of a world title shot until BFG and that stip being set up in November amazed me since they've found a way to give him a bigger role on TV without wrestling and made nearly half of that time fly by. Gorgeous tree of woe dropkick from AJ. This feud has not only helped AJ, but put Storm seamlessly back into main events after being Random KO Tag Partner for a while there. Calf slicer from AJ looked sick and won the match.

Bad Influence came out and got kicked by him - getting a nice sorta pop from the crowd. The Aces came in and beat Storm down, so he left - but didn't seem to see the attack. I love Bad Influence trying to make a save too - everyone on the regular heel side becomes defacto faces, and it all works. Bully cut a fine promo putting the group over, and other than Anderson being a complete goofball and coming off as less of a threat than Wes and Garett due to how silly he's acting, the Aces and 8s came off great here. I loved Doc doing Hogan's ear cup, and Bully giving Taz a shoutout with his JUST ANOTHER VICTIM line. Chael should really do that for his promos, if only to give Lem Denton a shoutout in 2013. Anderson closed the show by giving one of Bad Influence a smack on the ass. Why, I have no idea.

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Monday, April 15, 2013

Raw 4-15-13

The Impact ripoff vid called Cena-Henry "a brutal match". Well, that's true. Nice hype for Punk's promo. Orton and Sheamus are starting the show against Big Show, in the traditional BABYFACE ADVANTAGE handicap match... until the end of the match, perhaps. Nice battering ram off the top from Sheamus. Cole brought up Mark Henry's attack on Sheamus here, so perhaps they'll make it a Show/Henry tag match at ER and do Orton's turn there. I beg to differ with Cole saying this would be very entertaining. VERY ENTERTAINING armbar from Show. They did the electric chair they always do, but Show made it great by breathing like he was giving birth. Loved the bump Show took for Orton's dropkick. Brogue kick set up the RKO nicely and gave the faces a win. Somehow, that was only 10 minutes long. Babyfaces won with the numbers edge and being able to tag in and out to keep a fresh man in.

3MB's deal from SD was recapped, and they're going to call out the Shield.Loved Drew demanding a hand-written apology note. YAY, BROCK'S COMING TO MURDER THEM! Loved NINJA BROCK's clothesline and F5 on the barricade to Heath. Crowd chanted one more time after he did two of them. Heyman cut a hell of a promo about HHH being a warrior, a fighter, and then pitched an OLD-SCHOOL STEEL CAGE MATCH! Kofi-Cesaro for the title is next.

BUT FIRST, WWE needs to talk about how great they are with Make a Wish. Thank God - King predicted a win for Kofi, so Cesaro's retaining. He yodeled and was so ridiculous with it, it almost worked. Cesaro's really been hurt since Swagger came back - they took away EVERYTHING involving the American flag, which downgraded his gear and overall look tremendously. He looked so awesome with the flag and jacket, and now just looks like a dude...who yodels. Cole told a wacky story about Cesaro learning yodeling WHILE RAISING A FAMILY OF ST. BERNARDS ON A FARM. WHAT!? Loved Cesaro doing Jericho's old little wimp kicks on Kofi when he was grounded. Nice OLE OLE OLE chant here. Kofi hit his kick, but it sent Cesaro to the floor - further cementing a loss. Froggy-body got caught into a smooth backbreaker. Shockingly, Kofi won after an awesome counter sequence, including reversing a top-rope move into the Neutralizer attempt. Cesaro's face first bump for the kick was amazing. Kofi, FROM GHANA, said he brought the title back America. Yeah, no.

MITB cash-in was shown in full and Dolph is coming out next. But first, TAKE PART IN THE WWE knowledge game on Facebook, and get exclusive videos...that probably aren't anywhere near as great as the ones in WCW/NWO Thunder. Cole rattled off stupid bullshit like THE AVERAGE CASH-IN TIME BEING 92.2 DAYS. Dolph bragged and kissed AJ, leading to a zoom in on Big E. Alberto AND HIS NEEDLESSLY BRIGHT YELLOW SHIRT THAT FITS NO PART OF HIS ACT IN ANY WAY came out. Alberto demanded his rematch not just tonight, BUT RIGHT NOW. Vickie came out and delivered '60s Batman stilted dialogue, and actually made Alberto-Dolph now. ZEB came out with his tie again, and basically cut the same promo as on SD saying that it was due to Swagger than Dolph won. Patriot Lock on the floor, and I love Alberto's bright red and white gear. This deal got TO THE BACK'd for the tag champs walking backstage.

They're out to face the PTPs in their best of 9,000 series. They hyped up Taker/Team Hell No against the Shield next week for Raw. Wow. Probably Taker's last Raw match ever. King brought up Pancake Patterson. Tag champs won. Cole talked about Ryback's attack as him PURSUING AGGRESSION ON JOHN CENA. WHAT!? A Norelco ad for a shaver aired with pube shaving and the guy saying "I'd fuck me". PG. They did a backstage promo from Ryback, which was great overall. Ryback showed clips of things, which they timed in poorly at times, but justified the turn perfectly by showing that Cena wasn't there for him when he should have been. And he had a great line about Cena being Superman, and he's kryptonite. This was basically a miniature version of Bully explains the Aces and 8s, and worked. Hell, it was damn near perfect.

Brock killing 3MB was recapped. Truth's out to face Barrett, who has to prepare for a number 1 contender's battle royal on ME. JBL referenced the Andy Griffith Show, which Cole was ordered to explain immediately. This was every match they've ever had, but with Truth getting a crucifix cradle for 2, oh, and TRUTH WON WITH THE Little Jimmy Finale, called a DDT by King. HE JUST WON THE TITLE LAST WEEK. Brickie was in the back and Teddy talked with them about the Swagger-Alberto deal. Everyone was a dick to Brad.

To continue the vibe of nothing going on, THE GREAT KHALI CAME OUT. Cole hyped WWECOMMUNITY - LEARN ABOUT HOW GREAT WWE IS, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Khali's teaming with Santino against the Rhodes Scholars. Sandow made tremendous wacky faces during their intro. They did some wackiness with the cobra, Hornswoggle's mini-cobra, and Sandow won via holding the tights. Fandango is next. DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

King was mid-ring cutting a promo, with his forehead looking terrifying, he put him over as being the only man to win his debut at WM, and against the first undisputed champ and put over Fandangoing, and then he came out and they put over how great his song did on iTunes. Johnny Curtis will make more from his royalty check than he has in the past year, and the win over Jericho came off like a massive deal thanks to this. The crowd Fandango'd despite this going on for nine hours, and then he told them to go Fandango themselves since they couldn't say his name. Cena talked about Ryback and being in his yellow shirt...while in a blue one. Yeah this was nothing. Swagger came out to face Dolph, this was apparently made during the Brickie deal that wasn't really recapped well after.

They recapped the Swagger attack earlier tonight, but didn't bother doing that for the backstage deal until Dolph came out and they just went over things verbally instead of showing it, and it still didn't quite make sense. King backed up JBL saying that all Ryback did was speak the truth about Cena. JBL talked about Swagger getting more pins than Hodge or Angle, and Swagger having a supermodel wife. I liked King's line about AJ being Miss Do Not Disturb 2012. Swagger looked like a dumbfuck chanting WE THE PEOPLE and getting kicked as a result. Swagger called a knee to the gut spot loudly. Swagger pinned the champ in a nothing match, so it'll be a 3-way. Loved Cole referencing JBL's great uncle's lures. Second schoolboy finish on the show. Alberto attacked Swagger from behind and did the armbar off the ramp spot.  They showed Rock's tweets about him just letting his injuries scar up...something I'm sure he won't regret in five years.

Sheamus tried to cut a promo backstage with Striker, but was mowed over by Mark. DESTROYING BACKSTAGE SETS IS WHAT HE DO! Punk cut an awesome promo and actually appeared to get at least one good night's sleep over the past week. He said he was looking for his next challenge at all times, and then just left. WWE congratulated themselves for setting a record at WM, and Booker chewed Teddy out for making another decision without him. Nikki's facing Kaitlyn, who took a crazy bump on the apron for a leg sweep. King brought up one having implants without actually saying that, which was glorious. This went on forever before the Bellas switched and won. Ryback cutting a live promo is next.

They recapped the Show-CELTIC VIPERS deal, and Sheamus-Henry deal. Wow, the tag match I thought would be good for ER will happen on SD. Dammit, Cena changed into his yellow shirt! They put Ryback over as the biggest threat to Cena's title reign...that is on day eight. Also, Cena's an 11-time WWE Champion. Cena delivered a bunch of stilted exposition and told "jokes". Cena said that he issued an open challenge, and Ryback didn't accept it, and instead waited. The crowd chanted boring, which Cena chalked up to Ryback's highlights in a great way. Cena said that AS FRIENDS, HE FOUGHT WITH ORTON, HHH, and others... WHAT!? They also showed the Shield really quickly. Cena said Ryback lacked a brain and a dick. Okay, any attack from Ryback is totally justified now. They talked in hushed tones about seeing the Shield without saying it. After talking about Ryback's dick, Cena took his shirt off.

When the Shield came out, Cole actually tried to sell it like Ryback was in trouble. Really now. Cena did a little jig to get into position for their beating. I loved Ryback just leaving Cena there to take a beating since the whole point of this is that Cena did the same to him. They hit the triple powerbomb and the crowd chanted one more time. Awesome. The attack stuff here ruled, but much of this show sucked.

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Friday, April 12, 2013

SD 4-12-13

Nice recap of THE GAME, THE ASS-KICKER HHH beating Brock, and a huge highlight reel for Dolph's win. Nothing on Swagger. Loved Big E's Ricardo promo for Dolph, who came out like Sonny Crockett in season 3. Dolph's promo was thankfully cut short by Swagger and HIS FOUNDING FATHER Zeb, since his voice was shot. I loved Zeb demanding a title shot, getting rejected and calmly leaving while swearing vengeance. Alberto in jeans and a denim shirt with a suit coat over it was odd-looking. He said words and ended with TERMINATOR 2'S CATCHPHRASE. Holy hell. I loved Jericho interrupting Dolph after he said he was tired of this. Jericho saying it's time to stop talking AND START ROCKING ruled. Tag champs are up next against the PTPs. Tag champs won in like a minute or so. I liked the Shield preventing a celebration and bringing up the Taker deal and saying they pick their spots to fight. Kane being pissed and setting off pyro ruled.

Great new WM vid featured some wacky Cena faces. Santino's out to get an ass-kicking from Barrett. Barrett got the win with the bull hammer. The WWE TAKES OVER NY vid re-aired because WWE IS AN AMAZING COMPANY AND IT IS IMPORTANT THAT EVERYONE KNOW THAT. Booker T's gonna get a call from Taz for wearing black and orange. Teddy stirring the shit up between Booker, Sheamus, and Orton was amusing. They basically just did the same goofiness from Raw, but with Booker making a 2 on 1 handicap match against Show...the heel... The Bellas teamed with Tamina, and stretching with each other in a very Billy and Chuck manner. Funkadactcyls are teaming with Kaitlyn. Loved Kaitlyn spearing the daylights out of Tamina, then a Bella. After a chain of wacky things, A HAIR PULL WON THE MATCH. That was something. They hyped up the HOF special in full on Xbox Live and THE WWE APP.

HHH came out with a cast on his left arm and did his whole intro - with the short hair, he came off like a middle-aged guy trying to relive his 20s. So weird to hear JBL put HHH over like the God of wrestling. HHH started doing an '02 promo with a gravelly voice about how great he is before 3MB came out. Oh, this won't end well. At least they aren't the tag champs, or six guys. Love Heath having to put HHH as the biggest, baddest dog there is in WWE before getting beaten up by him. This was bizarre because they basically did the Shield setup on HHH, and that set up...the Shield interacting with 3MB. Between this and the Main Event, they really should just only be doing stuff with major guys. At least HHH is in there to get beaten up. Sweet, 3MB is getting destroyed for stealing the Shield's gimmick. Excellent. Kane and Bryan made the save for HHH, further setting up Shield-Tag champs for the gold. Or copper. I loved the guy in the bright red Cena shirt holding his hand out to the Shield and getting rejected by all of them. Show and Booker met, where Show was angry about Booker being BIASED TOWARDS, should've done a retake on that. Show's handicap match is up next.

Subway's got a buy one footlong sub, get one free deal tomorrow - sweet! They did a hype vid for this that truncated the Orton-Sheamus Raw match down to a few seconds with no chants showed Show...stomping on a chair, or Orton, or something in slow-mo. I guess ribs since those are taped up. Show targeted the ribs, and Cole talked about Booker being in the HOF going to his head. JBL ripped on Cole for citing Teddy's opinion as fact. LOLed at Cole saying Show's spear is like getting hit by A SCHOOL BUS! Show walked out after their finishers and for some reason, NEITHER OF THE TWO BABYFACES WENT AFTER HIM TO FORCE HIM TO FIGHT. So I guess they didn't really want the fight they each begged for, got, AND HAD THE NUMBER'S ADVANTAGE IN. Mick's new DVD trailer is outstanding.

Sheamus and Orton had a hilariously expositional and awkward conversation immediately after the break. Henry ambushed him and tossed him into a brightly-clothed table. Awesome. This led to a nothing Kofi-Cesaro match that saw neither guy get an intro. I loved Cole just going "yeah, he yodels now". This yodeling gimmick is absolute death, and the losses are just shoveling dirt on him. TREMENDOUS European uppercut counter to Kofi jumping up. Audible ROH chant here. Flash kick KO'd Cesaro and gave Kofi a win. If this was on Raw, and pushed in a way that meant something, it might have come off as upward momentum for Kofi. And maybe if they hadn't just done this stop and start push for him like six months ago with Miz. Cena-Henry-Ryback deal's gonna get recapped next. It'll be the first time RYBACK TURNING HEEL AND DESTROYING THE WWE CHAMPION is brought up on the show. Raw hype vid involves Cena-Ryback - well that's good. The video somehow made Cena-Henry seem long and somewhat epic. Josh read the Rock's tweet, and sounded ridiculous doing the hashtags.

FANDANGO came out and they showed fans dancing along with him in the crowd, and then Cole explained what Fandangoing is. Dolph came out with the gold in reverse so he could wiggle his ass around with it...I'm glad JBL buried that. I loved JBL putting over Fandango's win as the reason for Fandangoing becoming a thing - it does make the Jericho match seem far more meaningful. For some ungodly reason, Cole brought up Dolph winning the title before, which Josh thankfully squashed. Dolph did a cool kind of corkscrew fameasser to Jericho before the break. JBL being rendered speechless by Josh saying that Dolph's head gives him more leverage for the side headlock was amazing. Josh referencing Amanda Bynes was also the most timely reference on WWE TV in ages. I liked Dolph winning via the help of two people, but not really needing it since only a punch set up the loss. Zig Zag and a Big Ending laid Jericho out. FANDANGOING occurred while Fandango came in and danced, then beat up Jericho more. He dropped the big leg, did the booty wiggle. Loved the guy with the Big Eagle belt dancing while Fandango said his name. Good-ish show overall.

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

TNA Impact 4-11-13

WORLD'S WORST TENANTS HAS A FLAMETHROWER and TNA has tables, ladders, and even chairs! AJ's portion of the opening video involved too much of Anderson talking. I like that the tag titles got some focus during the video, and they recapped the Bully-Hardy deal nicely too while even giving the KOs some time to shine. Hardy met with Hogan to start the show in what I'm guessing is the Smurf section of the building judging by how blue it is. Great Impact Live video opening running down the cast of major characters with nice artsy shots of them. The Mexicans are out and thankfully not speaking, with some boxer waving the Texas flag for them. Chavo's theme is heat-death. A fan held up a WHERE'S PEPE sign for them. Thanks to a sneak attack, the champs got the first fall in maybe a minute. Then the faces won with a flash cradle, making the third fall occur maybe two minutes in. Hernandez got chucked into the steps to add some drama to the hot tag. Ramp to ring Air Mexico double clothesline ruled.

Three Amigos on Aries, then Roode, got a light Eddie chant. Air Mexico flew again and hit Chavo accidentally, but only for two. Tremendous nearfall there. Double suplex counter by Supermex led to a frog splash win. Really good match from the Mexicans and the wacky heels once again. Brooke Hogan's nipples walked backstage. They've got a new wacky ShopTNA ad hyping Dixie's figures, POSTING PHOTOS OF YOU WITH HER FIGURE, and possibly winning CRAZY PRIZES! The Aces who can ride motorcycles rode them into the building. I loved Joseph Park being call corny and Taz mocking him for talking so wackily. Joseph Park knows divorce code, and he's got annulment papers for Bully and Brooke. I wonder if he's Mr. Bully or Mr. Ray on the document. Devon came out and ripped it up. I hope they do a skit where Joseph charges by the minute to reprint it. An epic Gail-Taryn vid was up, and Kenely ended the segment with Taryn stretching by saying "the only thing separating these two is the break". I'm sure he meant the women and not her breasts, but that was funny.

Taryn shook her ass wonderfully before this grudge match, and ODB's the new KOs ref with a black and white shirt...due to black handprints on her tits. Taryn won via a schoolgirl after Gail's attempt to win via cheating again backfired thanks to ODB. They showed Pearce with his massive shorts and Magno backstage - Gut Cheeeeeccckk is next. Danny Davis's yellow tie and red shirt were wacky.  "Mango" didn't impress Al. For the live portion backstage, Snow was back in his wacky brown jacket, while Davis was in a better-looking black and red suit and shirt combo. Prichard's promo was super-echoey. Adam Pearce was cut from the pre-cut section, so Magno gets his chance later. Tremendous video on AJ led to Hogan saying that HE CAN'T THINK ABOUT THE WORLD TITLE DUE TO AJ. Birds chirped while AJ met with Anderson. He said stuff, but I couldn't pay attention to it because of birds chirping in the background. This angle rules just due to the comedy potential in it that TNA is more than happy to replay over and over again.

Hogan came down, called this building the Impact Zone, and said HYAH HYAH HYAH for some reason. Storm came down, cut a short promo, and then Bad Influence came down, and told Toby Keith to leave. CD's a John Byrne guy. Daniels tried to win him over, and brought up the Claire Lynch deal being bad, BUT NOT AS BAD AS DIXIE CARTER NOT TRUSTING HIM! AJ pouted and joined no one. Hogan, for some reason, made AJ fight a babyface in Storm while trying to win him over and make him see the light. AJ left to presumably go to Hot Topic before they close.

Angle cut a promo in the locker room, looking 900 years old, and announced a handicap match next week with Wes and Garett. Joey's out to face a guy with a Terminator tron...ROB TERRY! The Tarrynator! A very orange Rob Terry won with the fireman's carry spinebuster in a couple of minutes.

Magno's pacing backstage because GGYYYUUTTT CHEECCCKKK is next. But first, THE WACKY SHOPTNA ad. Brooke and Hogan met in the Joker wing, full of green and purple paint. Brooke's coming down DESPITE HOGAN'S INSISTENCE. Dun dun dun! Heel turn's a comin, and Morgan's a shit-stirrer again. Morgan comes off as a Z-rate '03 O'Haire imitator. They said Magno was from Texas, and the fans still booed him. Davis voted no along with the fans, so he had to kick out, and he tried to cut a promo in English. Tried. God bless him. He got "no" voted by Bruce as well IN BOTH ENGLISH AND SPANISH. Then Anderson cut a promo with Bully reciting their catchphrase, and Bully said that tonight, HE NEEDS TO GO IT ALONE. Seems a bit soon to show any likeable parts to him. Anderson was beyond annoying again. I think he's only in the gang so they can draw and quarter him on TV.

They hyped up last week's One Night Only PPV and ran down next week's card, now with Mickie-Tess for a KO title shot and during Storm-AJ, Taz brought up Hogan just making AJ's decision to join the Aces easier. Hardy came down at 9:35, so this is getting a ton of time. They showed Brooke, WHO IS REALLY ONLY THERE TO SEE THE LOOK ON BULLY'S FACE WHEN HE LOSES. Honest. Bully came out standing on the barricade looking like a badass. The poor fan next to Brooke with a giant Aces sign got no attention. Loved the guy in a GWAR shirt in 2013. Shocking start with a Twisto stunner and poetry in motion. Unlike saying IT WAS THE 29TH ULTIMATE X MATCH IN COMPANY HISTORY on the PPV, Tenay saying this was only the seventh FMM match actually seemed impressive. Bully got the edge with a backdrop to the ramp, which made a great thud that they totally missed on the replay.

SUPERPLEX OFF THE LADDER helped him out a bit before the break. Hardy took a sick bump on his ribs and legs on the inner part of the ladder. Love Bully doing the Hogan ear cup while the fans chanted for Jeff. Bully Ray took a flip bump for a basement dropkick - amazing. Brooke struggled with her top, then flipped off Bully. Swanton off the top to the floor through a table got a muted holy shit chant. Come on - even WWE let that through on Raw. Taz gave Bully a hidden hammer, which unlike A BARB WIRE 2X4, actually made sense to hide near an announce table and Bully won after a hammer bonk on top of the ladder, knocking Hardy through a table. Outstanding match, great show, and Bully closing it with an asshole promo was great.

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Monday, April 8, 2013

Raw 4-8-13

Love the wacky over-dramatic narration over WM, and Cole saying THE BRIDGE OF TWO GENERATIONS, while Rock and Cena stood next to the bridge set. New belt looks tremendous on Cena. Rock sent out a tweet about a torn ab muscle. Love Cena having fun with the crowd in his promo. Adored his line about dancing, getting booed, and suggesting a heel turn. Cena said he'd defend the title tonight, and Henry came out. YES! Loved the crowd chanting sexual chocolate and Cena saying they want to have sex with chocolate. Booker, the face GM, came out and said he wouldn't allow Cena to defend the gold - but Henry could get a shot by beating Cena tonight. Big E makes his Raw debut next.

Nice WM recap vid in still shots. Big E's facing Bryan - perfect foe for him. Tremendous power stuff from E and an even better barrage of kicks from Bryan. Big Ending got a quick win here. Barrett-Miz for the belt is up next. Love JBL putting Miz over as legit after not only being WWE Champ, but making a very tough guy tap out - putting Barrett over a bit in the process. Wade's matches always seem more important with him calling them. Great punt from Barrett on the apron, leading to a neckbreaker and huge cheers for Wade. Winds of Change after a break got another big pop. Barrett messed up on the reverse DDT/Neckbreaker spot badly and got a huge YOU FUCKED UP chant. Massive pop when Barrett got to the ropes during the figure four. Barrett is damn near a face here tonight. Barrett won the gold after a posting and Bull Hammer. This was so damn great. Wade got to regain the gold in a match that felt special. Sheamus complained to Brickie about Show, and got his match. Oh yeah, Swagger's teaming with HIS FOUNDING FATHER against Alberto.

Orton met with Booker and said that HE needed a match with Show - hooray, HOLLA HOLLA 3-WAY with heel turn since he's now a shit-stirrer. Loved a fan holding up a DEPORT ME sign with a big grin while Zeb spoke. Alberto's neon yellow/green shirt looks ridiculous - his shirt now matches Kofi's gear. WE WANT ZIGGLER chant broke out, and Ricardo was able to get the crowd to cheer for Alberto...until another WE WANT ZIGGLER chant broke out. EXCLUSIVELY ON THE WWE APP - Swagger clipped his knee. Ankle lock got a WE WANT ZIGGLER chant. Loved King saying they were chanting we want Colter there...and Swagger tapped clean in a handicap match in his favor. Well, given that they're seemingly doing an injury angle to set up a cash-in, I'm fine with this. Crowd popped huge for Dolph. I'm pretty sure Alberto not being able to stand violates some wacky stip they added to the MITB deal, but whatever - this rules. The crowd is electric here. YES! HE WON THE WORLD TITLE. Great win too since he wrenched the bad knee during the armbar, hit the Zig Zag and won to a huge applause. After a sterile WM show, it was so good to see some genuine emotion here from everyone. Dolph, AJ, Big E, and the crowd went nuts. This ruled.

Taker came out to a huge UNDERTAKER chant. Taker paid tribute to Bearer and then THE SHIELD CAME OUT. Moxley and Tyler Black are in the ring with Taker. Crazy. The tag champs came out to save Taker from a beating - okay, so it'll be Bryan, Tyler Black, AND Jon Moxley in the ring with Taker at some point. Even more crazy. Another great WM recap snapshot series, and they replayed Dolph's title win. 3MB faces Truth, Ryder, and Santino...okey dokey. Santaino won via accidental Cobra off a neck snap on the ropes. Great Axxess vids with some highlights from Bryan and Sandow, then Sheamus and Orton bitched about stuff. They came back and showed Show's post-show promo. I think he re-turned heel in it. They all came out and said words. And instead of any attacks, they made Show vs. WHOEVER THE WWE UNIVERSE CHOOSES ON TWITTER. This seems odd, but with both guys staying out there, any result still allows Orton to turn heel. So instead of THAT, they do Orton-Sheamus with the winner facing Show.

A giant OLE OLE OLE chant broke out, making me think that Generico worked a dark match. God, Sheamus in neon green looks odd. The crowd is breaking into song again, which is great because this match is just a bunch of moves. Boring chant broke out. They should change Bo Dallas's name to Bo Ring so this can be spun into a good thing by the commentators. WiColepedia rattled off knowledge about soccer, OR FOOTBALL AS THEY CALL IT IN EUROPE. Big RVD chant broke out, then a JBL one, then King, THEN COLE. This match was worth watching just for the crowd. THEN THEY DID THE FUCKING WAVE! Show came out and destroyed Sheamus and Orton, getting a THANK YOU BIG SHOW chant. Wow. This is more buys than Mayweather. Show bowled over Orton with a spear, and Orton's left shoulder took a hell of a landing there. They brawled to the table and JBL made sure to grab his hat at the last second. The only way Show could get booed was to stop attacking the babyfaces. Amazing. Mr. Dongo is wrestling next.

HHH IS COMING TO SD! Show killing a chair was recapped as was the Shield-Taker/Hell No bit. Loved Fandango's big intro, and it was helped by JBL saying that Cole met his wife dancing because he had to pay a cover charge. Fandongo did a bunch of wacky stretches. The crowd then HUMMED FANDANGO'S THEME! The match ended there due to Jericho - perfect! Jericho knocked the hat off the table, but plopped it onto JBL's head where it then fell. This ruled. Chris whooped some ass here. Perfect Codebreaker finish here. Loved Fandango's dancer giving Jericho the evil eye and glaring at him as he left. Fandango won via DQ, but still had to correct Justin Roberts on how to say his name. Amazing. And then they sang his theme again. Great Cena media montage aired, then when they came back, they showed global headlines for WM.  They showed HHH getting some tests run due to nearly breaking his arm during a table spot last night. HHH looks old in just his trunks. Heyman cut a tremendous promo about HHH winning, but it took 20 minutes after Brock got KOed, and the only reason HHH isn't here is because his arm is destroyed.

8-person tag is up, with them even showing the WM graphics for it. ToF came out in tear-away pinstripe suits - outstanding, and it was made better by JBL asking if they shop with Michael Hayes. Loved Naomi doing a rana on Cody, then T barreling into him and then doing a smersault senton on him in the corner. Sandow's gear is amazing. Faces won after a slightly messed up double splash, but whatever, JBL was amazing saying the reason he was speechless was because he was calling his mama.

Henry came out and the fans sang his theme. YES! Cena danced, punched, got beat down, and was told to DANCE NOW by Henry. Dammit, when that man tells you to do something, you do it! TELL ME JOKES! Henry rules. Match ended quickly via count out due to Henry getting thrown into the steps. Henry came in and immediately killed him with the slam, then Ryback came out, so I guess ER's main event is now Cena-Ryback-Henry. Crowd was cheering for a heel turn from Ryback here, and they did it at the right time. So yeah, this show ruled.

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WrestleMania XXIX

Super fun opener other than Show being the guy who...I guess turned maybe. Loved the flying RKO on Rollins and everyone but Reigns getting some of their armor taken away from them to show some weakness. Glad they went over. ENOUGH OF THE CENA-ROCK VID. For goodness sake, the pre-show had this kind of stuff all over it - zero need for it on the PPV. Ryback's green and red Christmas getup was something. Henry deserved to win just for having better gear. Henry's win was a surprise, but Ryback really should've won since he's definitely nothing but a big choke artist. Sure, he hit the Shellshock, but it's like losing to the champ in the title, but winning in a tag - you got SOMETHING done, sure, but not THE thing done. WWE IS THE MOST AMAZING COMPANY IN HUMAN HISTORY - THEY DO WORK WITH THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS! Dolph's new underwear-esque gear is a bit too much like Meat and Cody. Tag match wasn't much, but I'm glad Bryan got a WM win after last year's deal. WWE IS EVEN MORE AMAZING - THEY DO TONS OF MAKE A WISH STUFF TOO.

Loved the epic intro for Fandango - reminded me of MVP's at WM 27 in that it was a nicely upgraded version of the regular one. Loved Fandango hitting the Sin Cara flying kick to counter the triangle dropkick. LOLed at Cole saying the Flatliner was unique - he did in a different way though, slightly. Lionsault finish setup being botched sucked, but Jericho covered for it nicely even if the cradle wasn't perfect. WHY ARE THERE FUCKING K-MART ADS ON A $70 PPV? Loved the epic Rocky music video set to WM clips. Diddy's deal was okay. Loved the WHC hype vid involving wacky PSAs from the '50s. Swagger came off like such a jobber not getting an intro and having the hype video instead. Zeb wearing a nice shirt and tie underneath his giant vest ruled. Alberto's bathrobe didn't do much for me. Nothing about this really felt like a world title match - it was just a perfectly fine hour 1 TV main event, and not a very memorable one at that. WWE IS AMAZING BECAUSE THEY SUPPORT THE ARMED FORCES! LOOK, LOOK AT HOW AMAZING WWE IS!

Living Colour's performance of Punk's theme was better than Motorhead doing HHH's at WM X7. Punk using Taker's old black, grey, and purple color scheme was a nice touch. I loved how fast-paced this was, and really could've done without a Twitter graphic during a Taker match - something about that seems really odd. Punk using Old School was tremendous, and something I'm amazed hasn't been done before. Great high kick onto the table from Punk - shame the flying elbow didn't work out well. Great nearfall off the GTS not quite hitting, so Taker got a flash tombstone, but due to it being so quickly done, it didn't get the win. Great GTS>Tombstone counter chain led to the 'Taker win. Way better match than I expected - outstanding job from Taker and Punk here. They greatly exceeded their past matches that had me kind of dreading this one since 'Taker's more beaten up now than he was then. Loved him getting the urn back, paying homage to Paul, and a fireworks display going off in the heavens.

THANKS TO THE WWE UNIVERSE, THE TROOPS GET SLIM JIMS. WWE IS THE MOST AMAZING COMPANY EVER! HBK coming out in what can only be described as Wal-Mart gear was something. Brock was Overeem-ariffic here. Absolutely gigantic and more ripped than I can ever recall him. HHH coming out covered in neon powder was Jeff Hardy-esque. Not sure how, but Brock's back had a giant red welt on the back of it at the onset. Brock just casually throwing HHH through the announce table and then letting out a gutteral scream was amazing. Loved Brock not only doing on belly to belly on the floor, but doing a second one on the shattered announce table. Shocked to see HHH doing his Flair-style bump over the top given his age, injuries, and weight. He looks so strange wrestling with super-short hair now. Loved the F5 on Shawn, and I'm glad the botched Pedigree didn't finish the match. I liked Brock getting the Kimura, but HHH escaping, destroying his arm, and then doing the move to Brock. Tremendous bump from Heyman for the superkick. I'm fine with HHH winning since it took a Pedigree on the steps to do it and goddamn did Brock come off like a killer anyway.

Nice clips from the HOF - congrats to Trish being pregnant, both for the accomplishment and it bringing her bustline back. Bob Backlund has boundless energy, it's amazing. So great to see Bruno singled out as getting his own giant intro with a theme and tron. After over  quarter century of issues with WWE, it's great to see things get to the point where they're on such good terms. Rock-Cena was a slightly better version of last year's good, but not great match. It was hurt a lot by basically seemingly like a relic of the Attitude era with the parade of finishers back and forth - kind of like a video game match in that sense. Everyone's finishers were set to max and they just hit Y a bunch and then hit RT to counter and do it all over again. Should make it fun to retry having in WWE '13 though.

Cena won after nine billion FUs and after taking that many Rock Bottoms. Loved Cole, after telling the stories about Cena not being able to win the big one, becoming AN ELEVEN TIME WWE CHAMPION tonight. But he's never won the big one. And then Rock and Cena just kinda became pals, Cena left with the new title, and Rock's theme played out while he said thank you. That would've been a fine send-off for him if he wasn't coming back, but seemed a bit odd since he's doing Extreme Rules. Not a great show, and it sucks that despite FIVE HOURS OF TIME TO WORK WITH, they not only couldn't give Cesaro a match, but only one of the WHC competitors got an intro, the mixed tag was nixed, and nothing on the undercard was given enough time to really cook.

Friday, April 5, 2013

SD 4-5-13

I wasn't going to watch this live, but when my HDMI capture card came, I figured this would be the perfect show to try it out on since it's a B-show and a nothing filler-filled ep at that. They did a pretty seamless job melding the taped and live shows together - outside of Josh's voice dramatically increasing in volume for voice over stuff. I liked Ryback doing Rick Steiner's mid-air powerslam counter...albeit not as well as he could. Double spear ruled, and looked better than the 2-man Shellshock.

Loved JBL talking about being buddies with Mayor Bloomberg and Diddy. Love the giant GET WELL SOON sign in the HHH vid. All of the shots of him holding gold when Heyman's YOUR CAREER IS ON THE LINE did not make me want HHH to win. I really dug JBL bringing up a good point - HBK and Flair, HHH's friends, were each retired at WM and that doesn't bode well for HHH. Tremendous vid for Bruno, and I liked them putting his over as the strongest HOF class, with the strongest list of inductors to boot. JBL saying the DON-GO part right as they panned up fandango's crotch was fine comedy.

DDP AND DDP YOGA ARE AT AXXESS! Love JBL's mini-rant on Cole correcting him on Boitano being a figure skater and not a dancer. TREMENDOUS Fandango vid - that should've aired on Raw. Really made him come off like a star, and one with a serious edge to him.  I didn't notice him spinning the mic like a top on Raw, but that was a nice touch. 20 seconds of a Shield vid terribly-edited - ugh.

The new Shield-Random Faces vid ruled. Outstanding recap of their rivalry, and it blows my mind to see a major match at WM, and a hype vid for it, for a match with Jon Moxley and Tyler Black. Tons of Funk are up next, and they've changed Brodus's graphic to make him nearly black. Sandow as Brodus is absolutely amazing. He took a bump for the pyro while eating food. Holy God this is amazing. Bellas+junk in the trunk is amusing. Gail Kim should try that. Tons of Funk came out to interrupt this deal, which was much funnier than it should've been given how low-rent the outfits looked. Tensai is such a better dancer than Brodus, it's amazing. They showed the Cena vid where he blamed the Rock for his divorce because he was too distracted by Dwayne - stupid sexy Flanders!

This Punk-Taker video is nearly a feud-saver. I love the 1 in the 20-1 graphic being Punk's fist. They hyped Vince on Twitter and his first VIDEO TWEET...I thought the point of Tout was to make that seem like THE thing to use for bite-sized videos? Haha, they're showing fans singing "I'm Coming Home" in Touts. Tremendous. They showed some pics of NXT matches from Axxess. Cole rapping to Cena's theme as JBL was amazing. Oh God, they're showing Cena's Raw promo - including Cena's line about it being Rock's first defense. Rock's promo still rules.

Time for Swagger-Kofi - YAY, KOFI'S MAIN SD show no one is watching. They showed the belts, and actually had the balls to put the NXT Title on TV. Renee is doing the usual LET ME ASK YOU AN AWKWARD QUESTION AND SHOW YOU BEING ATTACKED interview with Alberto. They showed Zeb absolutely murdering Alberto with the crutch. They really should've shown the shot on their site of Alberto's back all fucked up to really sell the attack. Swagger yelling WE THE PEOPLE during a double chickenwing is kinda wacky. I loved King's story about Zeb's wife bringing home a dog, and because it was a chihuahua, he built a fence around it. Kofi came up a bit short on his blind springboard splash. Nice catch off the crossbody off the top into a Doctor Bomb attempt. Patriot lock won and the show ended with the WHC match feeling pretty important - good stuff.

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Thursday, April 4, 2013

TNA Impact 4-4-13

The pre-show hype on Spike involves Brooke Hogan meeting up with Bully for the first time since Bully turned heel - her saying I HATE YOUUUUU is still funny. Show-opener focused on Bully and Brooke and the Sting-Hogan drama here in 2013, with a bit on AJ and the Aces saying "which way will he go". Well, I doubt it'll be both ways. They aired a lot of Anderson's FRICKIN promo from last week, I assume as a way to easily compile evidence to not re-sign him. Between the Sting and Hogan signs and D'LO BROWN being the first guy seen on-air, this show seems like a time warp. Anderson cut a promo. The dude is so just going through the motions. Devon has about nine layers on. D'Lo cut a promo saying that HE'S BEEN FIRED FROM HIS TNA OFFICE JOB. Finally. Guy's been revealed for weeks now - don't they own a fax machine? Angle thankfully ended this and cut a promo on him before double-legging him and then dudes ran out for the weekly giant brawl. Aces were sent packing, and Tenay got word instantly that there will be a ten man tag. This seems kinda rushed. Joey Ryan offered Brooke a favor and Brooke took everything he said as some kind of sexual deal, even though she didn't want to see his zebra print thong. Joey was amazing as a wacky babyface goofball here. Oh, and he'll be the KO ref later.

Taryn and Velvet are facing Tara and Gail...good God is this face team amazing to look at. Joey took advantage of his ref gig to feel the chicks up and slap Velvet's ass...shouldn't Brooke come out and fire him now given that she told him NO TOUCHING!? He gave Velvet a shoulder rub during a headlock. This rules. The chicks went for ass-exposing things and he wouldn't count. DIXIE CARTER IS ON TWITTER, AND BUY HER AUTOGRAPHED FIGURE NOW. Or just buy 80% off JJ guitars. Jesse got offended when Joey touched Tara. Joey missed counting Taryn's cover to apply baby oil and then Gail cheated to win and Joey fast-counted. This was a very amusing thing.

Aries and Roode came out to sign a contract for the tag title match next week. Aries called their team a team of two world champions, and Hernandez is the only guy in his gear - everyone else is in at least a sports coat. Chavo called Hernandez STRONGGGEERRR THANNN THE SONNN OF A GUNNNN. Since it's TNA, Aries demanded that STIPS be added to the tag title match. It'll be 2/3 falls and if the Mexicans don't win, they can't team up again. It seems too soon to do that stip for them, even though they've been a team for nearly ONE WHOLE YEAR, it also seems like a waste given that they aren't exactly the greatest team in the world to use that stip on.

Nice video for Adam Pearce, which showed some CWF Hollywood stuff, and his greying beard. Pearce came off so great here - and I loved them focusing on OPEN A CRACK for the graphic. They came back and did another vid, this time for Magno, who they got some stunning shots of with and without his mask, and a lot of his subtitles were covered up by Bellator graphics. Pearce's jacket/robe deal looks good, but his gear couldn't possibly be any higher. Fine match - Magno hit a really nice flying moonsault to the floor and messed up a rope-assisted moonsault, but Pearce won via rope holding. They showed Sting and Hogan's old man argument last week.

The Aces met with AJ and they aired a video for the Bully-Hogan saga before Hogan said he'd cut a promo next and get a lawyer to help - HE'S TIRED OF DEALING WITH POLITICS. And apparently bright lights since he's got shades on indoors. Joe Park met with Angle and said that Angle's gold medal win inspired him and HE'LL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TA HELP. I adore this character.

Hogan called out AJ, who brought the Aces vest with him. Hogan cut a stilted promo and acted shocked when AJ showed the vest even though he was just holding it. He begged for AJ's help while saying he's been stuck in TNA a long time and that the company's in bad shape right now. Hogan's amazing. Storm came out and cut another awesome promo showing why TNA is beyond stupid for not pushing him to the moon now or a year ago. Storm was incredible here and should win the TV TItle at Slammiversary to not only help reverse him never winning a big one, but give TNA momentum. During the break, Hogan cut a promo on AJ saying he has one week to make up his mind or he's why wouldn't AJ just join the Aces then? They showed some clips of the X division PPV airing tomorrow, and thankfully, all month long, although they picked a great night to put it on since it'll be a nothing SD show.

Dutt is facing Mason Andrews and Petey. Petey's got the Steiner tat tron, and they hyped him up by showing the Destroyer a bunch. They talked about why Petey left TNA - he lost a match with EY as Team Canada and had to leave, and now he's back four years later. Well, it's kind of odd to bring up BREAKING YOUR OWN STIP, they did at least say it was four years ago. This was far more polished than the usual X division match, largely due to Petey and Sonjay. Loved Petey's boot making a mark on the camera lens. Petey won the big one here with the Destroyer on Mason - great to see him back in the fold. Bully cut a promo with the Aces saying they'll get the job done tonight. LET'S TAKE THEIR SOULS! Well, that was wacky. Devon asked for a hot tag the next time Bully's with Brooke - tremendous line. Nice vid for Bully-Hardy next week. Next week's card was recapped, with Taryn-Gail happening.

Christy's announcement of ACES AND EIGHTS and just that made met hink they need a hometown. Either Aceland or Acelandia. Looks like Bully-Brooke's talking deal is the actual main event. Loved Taz taking Angle to task for bullying, then bringing up that he can say that with a straight face while being indoors at night, with shades on. Kinda weird to have two comedy acts in a major role for Team TNA, but it kinda works. Another great vid aired for the X division PPV. Joseph Park'd up and ran wind. Devon missed the headbutt and he re-Park'd up even after missing the splash, but got cradled and beat after a low blow. I loved Devon's little victory boogie. The Hogans met and she's going to have Ronnie from Atlas Security with her to protect her - Hulk rightfully demanded more than that. They re-recapped the Bully-Brooke drama to help kill time, and it is going to help since this deal will only get maybe 8 minutes due to Bellator. Loved Taz being pissed at a fan touching Bully. Bully called his match with Hardy the BIGGEST WORLD TITLE REMATCH IN HISTORY. least it makes some sense since it's his first defense and he's full of himself. Bully carried this marvelously. She was hoping he had divorce papers, but instead, he had A FRONT ROW TICKET TO HIS BEATING OF JEFF HARDY NEXT WEEK! Tremendous. He won't let her divorce him AND he's forcing her to watch her beat up dudes. What an epic peckerhead. And he's not only in her head - he's been in her since day one! Hardy and Bully brawled to end the show. Not the greatest show, but a fine one to build up next week's show and tomorrow's PPV - it did a better job of that than anything else, actually.

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