Friday, August 30, 2013

SD 8-30-13

Generic SD intro starts things off. Oh lord, Miz TV is starting things off. Miz is hosting in his gear. Show is his first guest, and JBL said he didn't help due to having a family to support. They SHOWED BRYAN'S FINISH on Raw - Rollins took a sweet flip bump for it too. Damn director. They showed the beating, and took out any implication that Bryan should have won the gauntlet due to DQ. Miz said THAT THEY'RE IN A FREE COUNTRY, AND THE WWE UNIVERSE SHOULD HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS ON HOW MANAGEMENT IS RUNNING WWE. For some reason, the show didn't just end there. Show cut a promo sounding like he'd smoked about 5 cartons of smokes and was super-gruff. Made him seem even more bad-ass. Then the guy with the bright pink shirt and blonde hair talked...about how Miz should let Show finish his thought. Miz said he was a big mouth and then HHH came out to shut him up. Cole said he talked to superstars that were upset BUT WOULDN'T DIVULGE HIS SOURCES. Amazing. I loved JBL as the ultimate rah rah rah employee. HHH pointed out that Miz was in his gear and asked why - Miz said it was because you never know when a fight will break out. I really hope Miz doesn't try to fight in his underwear all the time.

HHH got a nice " you sold out" chant, and then buried Miz for being all talk, Show for being just big, and implied that Dolph wasn't big enough to be the best. Well, Dolph tried that once and looked ridiculous. HHH brought up that Orton as the face of the company made more money for everyone in the ring, which is a valid argument. HHH says that Miz is bitter because he was WWE Champion long ago and hasn't been anywhere near it since - I was a bit surprised they'd basically bring up his career downslide, but it was nice to see it not only brought up, but remedied a bit here by giving him a match with Orton tonight. He gave Dolph a handicap match with the Shield to make up for him looking sad on Raw. HHH demanded that Show just sit at ringside, and man does the back of his head/neck area look weird with the buzzed head. JBL brought up the iron-clad contract and said that if Show didn't comply, it would be torn up - I'm glad he referenced that because it is a gaping plot hole involving something they've referenced fairly recently. Dolph was sent to the back, while Miz's match with Orton is next. Well, so much for this seeming like even an on-paper elevation of Miz - if it was in a main event spot, it would help that a lot. Thanks to HHH and Orton being on it, SD feels quite important tonight.

Nice basic wrestling to start the match off. I liked JBL saying that while HHH helped Orton win the title, he didn't help him get the case he earned to get the shot in the first place. JBL and Cole didn't talk about the match in the slightest and just debated the lead storyline. LOLed at JBL saying Bryan was champion for 18 minutes. Miz countered the draping DDT with a backdrop to the floor, leading to the Shield coming down. This has been an awesome first half-hour of the show so far. Minus the Popeye's ad with the sassy black woman who loves her some fried chicken and choir singing.

JBL went on a glorious tangent about how great it would be if Big Show got fried - there'd be big, giant tears and he could hold up a tin cup on Broadway. But because he's so big, HE COULD HOLD A HOTEL! Cole said he would be surprised, but that he shouldn't be given that JBL forced HBK tow work for him. Skull Crushing Finale was countered into the draping DDT. RKO countered into a backslide for 2. Standing Knee-DT led to the figure four. Orton got the ropes, went to the apron, hit a neck snap and then landed the RKO for the win. If this was on Raw in a prominent spot, it would've helped Miz a lot. This was his best match in a while. The Shield ganged up on Miz until THE COMPANY'S TOP BABYFACE DANIEL BRYAN MADE THE SAVE and ran them off with a chair while "Flight of the Valkyries" blared and the crowd chanted yes. This ruled. Diablo III's orgasmic orgy ad aired.

Los Matadores vignette aired. Their theme should at least be really exciting if they stick with the music used here. JBL then sang the OLE song. Vickie was in her wacky office with a flower, a WWE Magazine, and a giant poster for The Call. She called Bryan a bully, and HE WHO BULLIES GETS BULLIED BACK! Ryback called himself the big guy and said he can't stand bullies. He's got an awesome white, black, and silver singlet on. LOVED JBL saying that Show shouldn't be so upset - he's got a job and a front row seat! Outstanding recap of Punk-Heyman-Axel from Raw. As great as it was live, it was even better with clips of their history playing alongside it. I hadn't noticed Heyman doing Dreamer's pose, but it was perfect with him doing it while calling himself a martyr. They showed the Punk-Axel/Heyman match graphic and they're going with a nice black and white look for them. PAUL HEYMAN SAYS WORDS...later. YAY! Ricardo came out and shilled for Vegas saying there are many great shows, but only one WHOLE DAM SHOW! Ricardo nixed the suit jacket and just wore the shirt here. He looks like an unmade bed. RVD faces someone next.

They replayed RVD beating Alberto thanks to Ricardo. RVD's pre-match stretching is pretty amazing given his age. Sandow came out as his opponent and this bothered me because he's theoretically a world title-level guy, moreso facing RVD here, yet he wasn't even worthy of getting a graphic. Superkick by RVD started the match and got a quick 1. Loved JBL saying that he isn't sure why Show's so sad - it's been a great broadcast so far. RVD brought back the straddling top rope diving kick, which he's able to do perfectly. Five star hit perfectly and he won. RVD being nearly as good as he ever was, not aging much visibly, and being motivated really helps him out right now. Alberto cut a promo on "Robbie D". RVD has rolling thunder, BUT ALBERTO WILL RAIN ON HIS PARADE! Okay, they're either setting up a turn on RVD or he's getting the belt. Also, Alberto's face has finally healed so he's back to looking like a smug shit instead of a mugging victim. Dolph-Shield is next.

They came back and the Shield was in the ring...while they shilled Popeye's and THOMPSON'S WATER SEAL! I wouldn't if Dolph could use it to avoid treading water. Show rocked back and forth in the chair with his head in his hands - the guy's one of the few good actors in the company, so I'm glad to see them make use of that. JBL then said that Show could do whatever he wanted - he'd just have to risk his job to do so. Loved Reigns busting out a Samoan drop on Dolph. They showed a chunky kid behind Show chanting WE WANT BIG SHOW with the rest of the crowd. This show has greatly benefited from feeling like a natural evolution of what happened on Raw as opposed to being its own sorta self-contained thing that has no bearing on anything. Flash cradle from Dolph got a 2 on Rollins. He countered the fameasser with a RUNNING BUCKLE BOMB, then Dolph died via from Reigns right after it.  They choked Dolph against the ropes right in front of Show while Rollins mocked him and they nailed Dolph with the triple powerbomb. One great thing about this angle involving Dolph is it gives them a logical reason to explain why Dolph's out of the world title picture. Heyman's promo is next.

Total Divas ad aired and they hyped up Vegas with JBL and Cole TWERKING ON YOUTUBE! Axel and Heyman came down and JBL said that Punk has beaten Axel every time in the ring recently, so Axel's winning at NoC and they do something to result in Punk getting Heyman inside the cell. Axel hyped up Heyman's beating on Punk, then showed it. That was such an amazing deal that is a guaranteed "best of Raw" clip for a long time. Paul then cut his new best promo since returning saying that he's not going to apologize for beating up his prodigal son, and hyped up that buying NoC will VIRTUALLY GUARANTEE that Punk kicks his ass - so that won't be happening. He also said that if you thought what he did to Punk on Raw OUT OF FATHERLY LOVE was bad, you should see what he'll do when he absolutely has to fight him or face being eradicated. This was glorious, and it made me wish that this show was three hours long instead of Raw. Nearly 90 minutes in and everything has been at least good and mostly very good. One of the best shows all year.

So of course, Tons of Funk is facing the Wyatt Family. Loved JBL saying it's like Barney twerking with ToF in purple, and Cole saying he said wow after ToF took their pants off. Cole talked about the bizarre Sister Abigail promo on Raw - and he officially named the finisher that...while calling it a neckbreaker. Spinning lariat from Harper led to the standing frog splash from Rowan and the win. Bray delivered Sister Abigail while a giant TWERK sign was behind him and Cole recited the line about Abigail's touch saving the world, and her touch burning it to the ground. Everything about this act outside of matches rules.

Los Matadores video re-aired. They're coming soon. OLE! They came back to show AJ's promo on the divas from Raw. I think they boosted the audio on the divas' comments because they were far more annoying, and they nixed the blowjob reference from it. Ryback came out and I'm not quite sure how to explain how he sauntered out. It was like a Vince Walk, if Vince didn't move his elbows and knees. It was glorious. I also just noticed that the singlet is half-white and half-black. Glad to see Ryback in a main event slot - he's not the greatest worker in the world, but they had something really special in him about a year ago and this feels like the best chance yet to recapture some of that.

Bryan came out and they showed the Escalade bit. IT WAS A YES-UV! Well, they had a day to come up with a new Yes joke and did. Nice spinebuster to Bryan started things off. Bryan took the buckle in the corner to his chest, but nowhere near as well as Bret. Nice kick to the gut from Ryback. Ryback dominated, and it's a shame Bryan didn't go for the Steamboat shot every few moves, because things died a bit when Ryback was doing stuff. It picked up when Bryan had some hope after a missed shoulder charge and the giant dropkick series in the corner. Show did the yes bit and Bryan did the dive to the floor. Shockingly, Ryback didn't do a flip over the announce table for it. Orton came down and distracted Bryan for a Meathook to the back of the head.

They came back and Ryback had a chinlock/armbar on Bryan, who got a YES from the crowd and Show with every blow he landed to escape the hold. Meathook got 2. Super belly to belly attempt was countered by headbutts. Missile dropkick landed, then he kicked the shit out of Ryback while Show smacked the announce table with each blow. Yes Lock on Ryback, who was saved by Orton. He got the move on Orton, showing he COULD do it at NoC. Then the Shield saved him.  Big Show got up, got in the ring, and was ordered to leave by HHH. I liked him taking as long as humanly possible to do this to buy Bryan some time - a point I hope is brought up on Raw. Crowd chanted KNOCK HIM OUT and booed heavily when he left. HHH insulted him constantly as he left. They're doing an outstanding job of building up Show-HHH. Shield got back on Bryan. Orton demanded they hold him up for a beating, then did it over and over again before having them walk Bryan around to show him to everyone. Great little sinister touch there. Triple powerbomb took him out. They gave Orton some paint, he put No on his chest, then was handed the WWE Title by Ambrose and stood over Bryan. The only thing that would've made this better was having the Shield join him and hold their titles high alongside him to further the idea that the titles are held by anarchists, but they can always do that on Raw. This show was incredible and further solidified how much fresher things feel with the post-Summerslam direction.

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Thursday, August 29, 2013

TNA Impact 8-29-13

So with the company in a state of chaos and the BFG series now a complete clusterfuck due to shitty planning. AJ's contract is also up, and at the perfect time - when they're set to give him the world title in the BFG series to finish up their year+ angle. If he's re-signed, I can see him winning. If not, he'll be in the final 4 and that's it. Brooke's ass in leather shorts in a close-up started the show. I'm all for more shows like that. AJ's face turn was the focal point of the video. Aces came out and there's a goof in a Hogan halloween costume on the hard camera side. Bully was pissed about Devon, and asked Garett what he thought - it was...a shame, and he should never be given a mic again. Knux was fine. WES DON'T KNOW. HE DON'T KNOW! Wes comes off like a biker version of 3MB. Bully then buried Devon six feet under, so I guess he's coming back to get revenge. Bully wanted to patch in Tito, which offended Anderson because they didn't vote. Why that's a big deal I have no idea. Bully's pissed at him again. Bully ripped off Devon's sticker, then gave Tito his cut. Tito looks so nervous out there and a techno version of the Aces theme is blaring. Bully cut a promo on Hogan and they cut to an old-ish guy looking super-skinny with tons of tats and a Sting shirt. The MEM will say words later and ODB faces Gail again. Hardy-Kaz, AJ-Roode, and Daniels-Aries are the BFG singles match tonight. Hardy talked about beating Joe via of course they showed him winning via pinfall. Really now? IT'S A PRE-RECORDED VIDEO - DON'T SHOW THE CLIP IF IT FUCKS UP THE STORY. Oh, and the creatures need to mount up or some shit.

Hogan is back after WEEKS OF MEETING WITH THE NETWORK AND THE LAWYERS...for reasons I'm sure they'll explain later. Kaz-Hardy is the first match up. EGO agreed to not interfere in this. I like that Hardy has his paint match up with Kaz's black and green gear. Nice running superkick on the ropes from Kaz - dug him mocking Hardy's wacky poses after it. Hardy hit the Mind Bender and Kaz took the greatest bump in history for it. Hardy hit the world's worst figure 4 in history. Twist>swanton got the win. Hardy moved into third with the win. Everyone in the B-squad of the Aces bitched about Bully. I sure hope he doesn't watch the show on demand - although if he did, he could save a bunch of money on some toys for Brooke via Adam and Eve. Gail-ODB is now 2/3 falls.

Winner of Gail-ODB faces some show or another. Gail and ODB did some basic wrestling and they ran a quick graphic for the KO PPV without giving you one reason to actually buy the thing. They're focusing on having Gail destroy the knee - smart for a 2/3 fall match, especially with the ringpost figure 4. Gail locked on a wacky Sharpshooter/cloverleaf thing. ODB tapped to it. They broke into the commercials to show 5 seconds of action. They came back and Gail did that jawbreaker-type move to the knee, but went for the wacky submission and got cradled, so they're tied up. Ringpost figure 4 looked like a real struggle given how big ODB's legs are - I dug that. THE STRETCH MUFFLER RETURNS! I love Gail busting out a ton of moves to destroy the leg. ODB locked on the cloverleaf and won. That was anti-climatic, although I liked the idea of ODB using Gail's submission against her. THE MAFIA SPEAKS NEXT!

But first, we've got some clips of the KO PPV and Velvet's talking backstage about it. Velvet was supposed to be at Hardcore Justice? Why? They're saying it's due to Sabin, but not saying anything and this is coming out of nowhere since she wasn't built up at all for that show. EGO met, and Roode drank some of the appletini. Aries cut a decent promo about doing his own thing because he can't count on others - only himself. Daniels mocked Miley's ass, and Aries said that since Daniels loves superheroes, he's going to grab his cape and hit Daniels so hard he grows hair. Tremendous. That was amazing. So much for "the mafia speaks next"...from 10 minutes ago.

BUT FIRST, Hulk's backstage saying stuff. They ran a video of AJ kicking all kinds of ass last week so AJ can show WWE what he's done recently. Joe throwing around gang signs remains the best part of the new Mafia. Rampage was given the mic for God knows what reason and said he won't settle for a real ass-whoopin, HE'S GONNA FAKE-WHOOP TITO'S ASS A BUNCH UNTIL THEN. Sting gave out a big WOOO for AJ and the crowd ate it up. Sting and Hogan get big pops - why hire both of them when their role is accomplished just fine by one? Emo AJ returned so he could transform again. Why? Does he go from being Tommy Oliver to the White Ranger because his theme changed? Big AJ chant hit and then he told the Mafia, WHOSE SEGMENT THIS WAS HYPED UP AS BEING, to leave and they just did. AJ then bitched and moaned about why he's been bitching and moaning. He's upset at the truck for airing the Claire Lynch stuff FOR GOOD TELEVISION. Then he used his shoot name. Also, everyone's had that job that sucks, and this is his. HEY MIKE, HE DESERVES BETTER. HE DIXIE, HE DESERVES BETTER! He's been the go-to guy for 11 years, only to be screwed over for the next big thing that went nowhere...well, he's right. AJ bitched and moaned for about 90 years. Bobby Roode's theme hit and thankfully ended this. WWE just decreased AJ's potential contract by 20 grand. Crowdy McKill is coming soon to NXT!

AJ tried to get a quick win with the Calf Killer, which played into his promo saying he used it to tap dudes out for months. Nice moonsault off the ramp from AJ. They exchanged strikes, and the camera man showed a cute brunette in a Hogan shirt. Nice somersault out of the corner by AJ, followed up with a spinebuster. Pele led to the Flair flop from Roode. Springboard forearm was countered into a crossface from Roode - I demand that spot go in WWE's games ASAP. Fisherman's suplex was countered into a cradle. Great-looking finish, although it played against the story that Tenay was telling about AJ needing to win via tap. Aries-Daniels is up next, and could still get AJ into the finals if Daniels loses via DQ.

JB has heard that after this match, Hogan will speak - so he can main event again. Christy's tits-forward getup is mighty fine. Daniels has wacky thick black goggles on here. Suicide dive by Aries counted with a Sin Cara kick. They came back to Tenay saying it's a very important "bound for glowy" series match. Daniels tried to do the abdominal stretch with the ropes, but couldn't touch them, so it made Aries reversing the spot and using the ropes a bit odd. Protoplex led to that stupid pendulum elbow spot. Gorgeous back suplex into a sitout powerbomb spot from Daniels got 2. Dropkick on the ropes set up the brainbuster for the I guess AJ's out of the series, unless they're continuing this deal next week. Tenay did say "as of this moment" the final 4 was set. Bully told Tito to fuck Anderson up if he tried anything. 

Hogan came out and they showed that ridiculous-looking Hogan fan in the costume. Hogan got a big pop, and I've got to admit - it was way above Sting's. Then he put over HIS NEW PITTER PATTER JORDANS, BROTHER! Also, Hardcore Justice was great stuff...nothing about Sabin yet. Hogan said that he was meeting with Spike to give the BFG series ONE MORE MATCH. A 20 point gauntlet, so that's why Hogan had the script in his back pocket. Bully and Brooke's ass came down. They focued on Brooke's ass a lot. Hogan presented divorce papers to Bully, so without Bully's consent, they're done. Brooke's fuck-me boots are tremendous. Hogan's booking Bully against a member of THE ACES OF 8S, at No Surrender. And THIS WEEK, or next week...Sting gets another shot out of absolutely fucking nowhere after having his title shots ended at Slammiversary. Whatever. Should be fun. The last 10 minutes were a clusterfuck though - a divorce and TWO WORLD TITLE MATCHES were set up. I like that Hogan's own plan for No Surrender revolves around Sting losing.

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Monday, August 26, 2013

Raw 8-26-13

No show intro - instead, they showed the Shield at ringside with their belts before HHH came down to a pretty good pop. HHH got in the ring a clip from Summerslam. Then he introduced more clips from Raw the night after. HHH said it was all due to Bryan insulting Steph. THE WORD ON THE STREET, AND THE UNIVERSE, SHOWS THAT BUSINESS IS BOOMING. And it's all due to one man. Shockingly, he meant Orton and not himself. Orton is apparently breathing new life into the company and the title. HHH promised him a gift - hopefully it's a NASCAR. Nope - it's an Escalade, and it got HHH's theme as its intro. Bryan came out and is unimpressed by this vehicle - preferring his Honda Fit. Bryan thanked the fans, then Cena for letting him wrestle at Summerslam, and HHH for finally showing his true colors and going from a rebel to a sellout. Orton told Dan to shut up. Orton's the face of WWE, but he'll rearrange it. This is dragging on for eons. HHH called him Jiminy Cricket and sang his song. I think that was great. He'll give Bryan the gift of a gauntlet match with the Shield tonight. The VMA replay is going to come in quite handy during lulls in the show. Miley's is on during the ad break and is a glorious trainwreck.

They came back and said you can pick the stip for Punk-Axel, and RVD-Alberto is up later. Cody's out to face Fandango. They did nothing until Miz came down, danced in Fandango's gear, badly, and they compared him to both Elaine and Miley. Maddox came down to make Miz and Cody against Fandango and Sandow. Cole talked about N-Sync while JBL talked about all of the babyfaces in this being assholes who stole stuff - Cody with the case and Miz with the gear. Just when you thought Miz couldn't look more ridiculous, you see him work in Fandango's silliest gear. Fandango left, so of course the faces double teamed the heel to win. The matches weren't bad, but this whole deal was ridiculous. They recapped the Punk-Axel stip and had King beg everyone to vote for Heyman to have to get in the ring with Punk if Axel lost.

LOS MATADORES vignette. So weird to do this gimmick due to Rosa being out, then bring her back and still do this gimmick. Christian said he has the scars from the Attitude era to show how hard it was to get through the McMahon-Helmsley era, and Orton's offended - and we're getting that later. YAY! Christian said that HHH likes to play with hammers, and found a new tool with Orton. Great line. They showed Punk on the app begging everyone to vote for C. Axel-Punk is up next. Hour 1 is thankfully nearly over - it hasn't been bad, it's just been dragging. The fans shockingly voted for C. Punk's left knee being taped up like Kobashi's frightens me. Axel got in some basic offense, but fell to the Shining Wizard in the corner. Fortunately, he was able to roll to the floor to avoid the flyign elbow, but ate a suicide dive for an ad break. Good timing too, since Timberlake's performance is replaying on the VMAs. Outstanding running kneelift from Axel. Sheamus did that move a ton, but rarely made it look good - this looked solid. Great punch flurry to the back of the head and forearm rake too. Punk won and gets Heyman! Heyman tired to leave, did, but got thrown back by security. Punk decided to not be a star and tried to bully Heyman, but was low-blowed by Axel. They cuffed him, and Heyman laid in an epic brow-beating, but Punk still kicked his ass for a bit. Axel got a cane and let Heyman whoop his ass. I LOVED YOU! (bonk) I CARED ABOUT YOU! (bonk) YOU WERE EVERYTHING TO ME! (bonk) This was right out of Magnum-Tully. The cane is a billion kinds of fucked up. Wow.

They recapped it, and showed some post-match stuff to further the whole "Punk is Christ" deal by showing his back all busted up. Nattie came out with the Funkadactyls while Brie came out in her ridiculous Summerslam outfit with Nikki in a black polka dot dress and Eva Marie in something. They did stuff, then AJ came out and basically babyfaced the Bellas, buried Nattie and TJ, and the other chicks. AJ buried the show and got a huge chant for it. All the women yelled at her to come down...why not just go up to her if she's pissing you off? AJ said that everyone else was given a spot for their looks, while she gave her life to get to WWE. She buried the Bellas for sucking dick to get where they are, said they're worthless, and not even worthy of lacing up her Chuck Taylors. AJ basically made herself the biggest babyface outside of Bryan here. That promo was

Alberto-RVD is up. Good luck topping that promo. They recapped Alberto beating Ricardo up. Ricardo came out with an airbrushed shirt, which they should really market. If they're going to go after the early '90s nostalgia market with Dolph's stuff, might as well try and make some money with some stuff that could hold more than an ironic appeal. If RVD wins the title, does he get to request little pot leaf flags in the corners? JBL referenced Linda Tripp for God knows what reason in 2013. If RVD wins, he'll get a title shot at NoC.  Nice climb-up enzuiguri when RVD was on top - it hit perfectly. RVD won with the goofy legscissor cradle that he's literally only used to pin Alberto Del Rio - twice no less, in the past decade. I'm glad to see RVD as the top contender to the world title, but it seems odd to do this now after teasing they'd do that for Summerslam, then have him not win the U.S. Title on that show. They recapped Cena's announcement on Raw last week and showed his elbow after surgery complete with a playitclean hashtag so you know 100% it wasn't due to steroids. Bryan-Shield gauntlet was hyped.

The Greatest Stars of the '90s DVD is apparently the #1 sports DVD for like a billion weeks in a row. Josh alerted Ryback THAT HE'S BEEN ACTING LIKE A BULLY! Ryback acted like a dickhead, bullied Josh, and said he finally found a way to shut Josh up. I wonder if Ryback's playing it clean like Cena. Axel and Heyman cut a great promo with Renee - Heyman looked so twisted. Paul Heyman comes off as so much more of a fearsome badass than Axel. They left, and Christian came out.

Orton came out and they talked about him getting a car, and King buying a Batmobile. Well what the hell - the guy died a year ago, why not go nuts and buy a batmobile. Cole hyped up the vile heel by saying you should check out a gallery on his customized belt on Loved Orton busting out the clubbing blows to the chest on the mat while cackling maniacally. More moves were done in-between talking about COOs and other corporate stuff. Christian took a nasty spill to the floor off the top rope. King said that the fans didn't want to be forcefed stuff, which was hilarious. The only thing that could've made that better was a Cole rant about the first amendment. Christian got the edge, and his back is really fucked up with welts. Cradle exchange led to Orton doing a chain of headbutts to send Christian into position for the draping DDT, countered into the Killswitch, which was itself countered into the tornado DDT. Christian is coming off like a huge deal here. He even got to counter the RKO. It led to the spear being countered, then hit. I thought for sure they'd do the spear-KO bit there. Christian is getting a shockingly high amount of offense here. He's coming off great. Shame they're doing this match after he failed to win the world title. RKO hit after a thumb to the eye. Bryan was in the back with Orton's pretty car. Bryan painted orange Yeses all over it - it's now a YESCALADE! So there's the joke.

Madd-ox and Huntor were backstage with Orton. HHH then said the car THAT HE GAVE TO ORTON was his, and the title belt is his as well - Orton just carries it for him. That was a really stupid line. And he then ordered Brad to get the whole roster on the ramp so he can talk to them, and fire anyone who looks at him wrong. Cole shilled Brisco Bros. body shop so the car could be repaired. PTPs came out and Cole said they'd tell you about their dance - A YEAR AFTER THEY STARTED DOING IT. Zeb came out and said the Real Americans have had wins stolen by the PTPs, who act like buffoons and bark like dogs. "If ya can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em." Well, that's sound advice. Then he said the PTPs were inferior. They just did moves. The crowd somehow didn't die. Zack buried the Yescalade joke on Twitter. Big spinebuster got the win for Titus - spinebuster wasn't quite what it could've been. He usually does an awesome Sky High. Cole did the PTP dance and JBL buried him for looking like a drunk elephant. They recapped the Wyatt-Kane deal and we'll Follow the Buzzards next...after an ad break.

Wyatt sang a creepy song about Sister Abigail mixed in with clips with them destroying dudes. Bray is not only a great promo, but a fine singer too. This man deserves more than just wrestling success. They recapped the car stuff and Punk barged into Maddox and Doc Sampson talking to demand a match with Heyman. Maddox gave him one with Axel and Heyman, in a handicap elimination match. Faces came out for the gauntlet. Brodus was in track pants that showed he has no ass. Renee talked with Show, who stopped short despite HAVING AN IRON CLAD CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE CAN'T GET FIRED. Dolph said nothing, and Miz stopped short too. Damn. I was hoping he'd get fired. Cactus clothesline by Bryan after a surfboard. Flying knee strike was countered into the Calgary crab. Then Bryan nailed a suicide dive that sent Rollins ass over teakettle over the desk and into Cole's chair. That was in-freaking-credible.

ON THE APP, Rollins hit the buckle bomb. Nice running forearm in the corner from Rollins. LOLed at Cole saying WWE ISN'T A DEMOCRACY ANYMORE. Great mockery of the Yes bit by Rollins. Bryan dropkicked his fucking face off in the corner. Curtain Call/Saving Grace from Rollins got 2.  King referenced Christmas Vacation by saying this was the gift that kept on giving - and it wasn't the jelly of the month club. VINTAGE DAY OF RECKONING 2 as Bryan hit a super German Suplex with a flip bump off the top. Bryan got the win. Yes Lock done instantly to Ambrose, leading to a DQ since Roman got involved. Then he locked it on Roman, and Ambrose got involved there. That wasn't a DQ for some reason. Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black basically just main evented Raw. Crazy. HHH came down, then the Shield hit the triple powerbomb on Bryan. Orton sauntered down to do more damage. LOLed at "I guess the rules that apply to most don't apply to the face of the company." from Cole. RKO to Bryan. The crowd cheered a lot for Show. HHH asked the geeks to part so he and Orton could pass - they did.

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Friday, August 23, 2013

WWE SD 8-23-13

Instead of the generic intro, they started off with Raw's show-opening Summerslam recap before going to one on Raw that made Bryan out to be THE MAN right now. And then they played the generic intro. Vickie was in the ring and introduced Orton - now called the hand-picked champion. A Tyler Breeze sign, complete with faux cell phone, made air. Lots of RK-NO signs too. Nearly 10 minutes into the show, things got moving with Orton talking. He said he's a role model because he told the truth - that he'd cash in when you didn't expect it. He didn't know the pedigree was coming, which was a good line since of course if it was real, how would he have known Bryan would win in advance? Orton said he's now the face of WWE. And I'm surprised he is without them demanding he dye his beard all-black. JBL's line about Bryan coming down to congratulate Orton was straight out of Heenan's playbook. Instead of kicking Orton's ass, Bryan...spoke.

He thanked Cena for being given the chance to wrestle him. Bryan mocked Orton for being pretty and that's why Hunter likes him. Then he said the only reason he was in WWE was because his grandfather and father were there. And Orton's so pretty, he needs to be kicked in the face. Then he whined about sleeping in his car wrestling in shitty buildings to get where he is, because he isn't tall or pretty. Bryan brought up his rematch clause, which he wants tonight. Orton said nope - he'll get it at NoC. That was...anti-climatic. Then an RKO attempt was countered with a kick. This seemed to take forever to get going, or end. Christian faces Alberto in what I think is their fourth match in five weeks of TV. Axel faces Cody next.

 Vickie yelled to someone about Bryan, then Barrett told her to make a match with him against Bryan to ensure the NoC match never happens. Why that would be the case, I have no idea, since he lost to him twice. Now, it'll be a cage match. They hyped up Cody's stache being lost on Youtube. Why they didn't just show a damn clip of it here I have no idea. They hyped up Axel by showing him getting his ass kicked by Punk on Raw, and alternated between that being a fight, a street fight, a match, and an unsanctioned match. Nice springboard dropkick from Cody - seems a bit redundant given the Disaster kick though. Great leaping forearm smash from Axel mid-ring - I hope that gets put into 2K14 because it helps set him apart. JBL said that Cody should get a Drano sponsorship due to being the son of a son a plumber, and that he and Dusty would be the first father-son world champions. Cody busted out Booker's sunset flip out of the corner spot. I love him taking bits and pieces of other guys' offense. Not the McGullicutter won. He badly needs a name for that, because not having it doesn't help him, and he needs a lot of help. Loved Heyman's conviction in his promo on Punk and hyping up BBBBRROOOCKKK LESSSNNNARR! Also, no one can defeat Curtis Axel for the IC Title. Punk apparently doesn't deserve a shot at the title, but he will face Axel on Raw. Barrett looks bored in his new promo shot. Dolph-Langston is next in an unhyped match for some reason.

AJ skipped around looking adorable. And then they zoomed in on Big E's boobs. Dolph was hyped up by...showing his ass-kicking on Raw. What a quizzical formula to ensure that guys get over as threats. Massive Steinerline from Big E got a 2 that could've easily been a three. Zig Zag out of nowhere for the win in maybe a few minutes. Okay, so can these folks please move on from this now?  Christian-Alberto is up next. Poor Alberto. Give this dude a night off so he doesn't just start killing dudes mid-ring. Christian got his intro while they shilled for Foot Locker. JBL basically called Sin Cara a pussy for quitting due to dislocated fingers. They went for about a minute before going to break.

They came back with Alberto kicking ass. Great exchange with a crossbody being dodged, leading to a dropkick, armbar attempt, rollthrough, and tornado DDT. Kick to the back of the head got 2, although Alberto should protest due to the ref leaving the ring mid-count and giving Christian more time to recover. Alberto removed one of two layers of protection over his right knee - somehow a superkick would hurt more that way. Victory roll setup for the armbar allowed it to be locked on, but Christian bent his arm but couldn't hold it and tapped. Alberto cut a post-match promo showcasing how fucked up both of his eyes are. The fans are all peasants, BUT IF YOU FOLLOW ALBERTO, YOU CAN BETTER YOURSELF! Ricardo is awesome as a sarcastic little shit - keep him out of the ring and he can be the new Mexican a degree. RVD came out in a badass blue dragon, black, and lightning white singlet. Christian hit a cheap missile dropkick to set up rolling thunder. Poor Alberto. Good setup for maybe a 3 way at the PPV though. They recapped Orton-Bryan from earlier. G,g,get YO GROOVE ON at That was a silly ad.

Show and Henry came out for a handicap match with 3MB. Heath's giant XXII tattoo on his right arm is ridiculous. The expanded one on his left arm looks nice though. Loved the bump Heath took off the bodyblock and then the crazy one off the Pounce too. Drew took an even sillier bump for a Show shoulderblock. This was a ton of fun. Rollins cut his best promo yet about the clocks ticking on the veterans. Zeb zoomed through his spiel before the PTP theme hit. Great body shot/uppercut combo from Cesaro while Cole talked about DY doing it "fo the people". DY got all busted up here, but won with the Gut Check and came off as a tough guy with the blood. Loved them showing fans on the hard camera doing the MILLIONS OF DOLLAS dance - especially the group with the large RVD fan in the middle. A woman beneath them had a sign saying she hoped her water didn't break. Well, that would certainly have been something.

A really bad actor asked Ryback if he'd sign a photo for his son Billy. Ryback mocked him for naming his son that.  The guy didn't know Ryback's name, despite it being on his vest...and him apparently knowing that this giant dude was on the roster. Ryback called him a fool, and good lord does his bloated gut ever remind me of Test's. Not good. This was the absolute worst skit they've done with him yet, and it wasn't helped by them saying HE IS ABSOLUTELY NOT BEING A STAR, FOLKS! Los Matadores vignette aired.

Bryan came out first for the main event, and it seemed weird to have Barrett come out last. It's also odd for him to be in main events, but I'm glad to see it even if it does seem temporary. Backflip comeback spot led to the Winds of Change. Bryan made that look so awesome. Cole being a cheerlead for Bryan is so strange after his year+ burial of the guy. It's astounding Bryan was able to overcome that. Bryan's right arm is heavily bruised. GIANT lariat from Barrett here. It was even better than the one Big E hit earlier, and was enhanced by the flip bump. JBL put over what a victory here could do for Barrett. Super German from Bryan was teased, but Barrett countered with elbows. Top rope warfare led to Bryan getting ahead with kicks to the ribs leading to the world's smoothest sunset powerbomb off the top. No way to make that look any better. Bryan banged his head, got amped up, and hit the big running flying knee. Tremendous finisher and it's already over. Bryan left the ring and got hit with a stealth RKO.  

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Thursday, August 22, 2013

TNA Impact 8-22-13

Pre-show promo involves Joe yelling a bunch and firing up the rest of the middle-aged mafia. Rampage looked really tired. Cops closes with a strong message - stay away from drugs! The show-opening video airing during the credits seems weird - and looks odd given how they alter the picture for it. I do love the Roode focus though. Oh, and Sabin lost the title. Bully's on the phone with Brooke, and bragging about his buddy Tito. Ken Anderson and Tito on-screen together is quite the sight. And Ken's offended over not knowing about Tito joining. Hardcore Justice continues tonight...which seems odd, but makes sense since they did bill the big tag match as being on HJ, and now that's technically still true. They showed a close-up of the goofy Hardy fan. Yikes. YAY WACKY NEW FACTION! I like Roode giving Bully some props for winning - since it gives them a solid target now. Daniels declared that the Extraordinary Gentlemen's Organization is 2-for-2! And Daniels is also the best street fighter in TNA. I demand he debut a dragon punch soon. Kind of odd to have Roode want Aries in the group after they split up...sorta. Loved Gun Storm coming out and giving Storm another chance to cut an awesome promo again. Nice little brawl between EGO and Gun Storm. Love the Flair flop from Roode. Now it's a tag match with Kaz and Roode against the champs. Holla holla. Break is up.

They're doing moves. Crowd gives very few shits about this. Love the giant bump for the Codebreaker. A Roode low blow and schoolboy gave them the mid-card SD victory. Aries is pissed at EGO for costing him points last week, and he doesn't trust them - he's also got a swank black shirt on. They couldn't have used a worse graphic for Bully's celebration tonight. They recapped the corny hammer angle. Nice wacky start to Dutt-Manik with Dutt rushing after him, but getting avoided at any turn. After the match began, they talked about the X division rule change for 1-on-1 matches. Why not do it before, I have no idea, but it's not like that really matters since the division only means jack shit in July anyway. Straitjacket choke from Sonjay was nice. Taz hates masked guys and wants to see Manik's face, so I guess he doesn't actually watch the show. Awesome running yakuza kick into the corner from Sonjay. Taz is singing again. Seriously, why did they re-sign this man? GTS face kick variant and the wheelbarrow Codebreaker got the win for Manik. Devon's ready to TESTIFY tonight. 4-way street fight is next.

Hernandez's intro was during the break. Bradley didn't seem to get one. A terribly-ADRed bit of dialogue happened with Tenay talking over a Mafia meeting. Daniels walked past all the goofy plunder. I think they stole about 20 roadside cones between the hotel and the building. Park seemed offended by all the weapons, by golly. They had a brilliant crawl - tiny white text against a grey ring for some contest. They did some stuff and went to a break. Mid-break, they had Tenay do a goofy Batman narrator bit when Kaz and Roode came down to help Daniels. They came back with Hernandez killing Daniels with a kendo stick. Why the fuck are there parking signs in a hardcore match? They look ridiculous with arrows pointing all over. AWESOME kick to the balls from Bradley when he kicked Daniels' boot out of the way and just punted him. Air Mexico hits Daniels out of nowhere after EGO got Bradley out of the ring. Get Off Me hits Daniels. Aries teased joining EGO, then hit a brainbuster on Daniels. That got a big YES chant. Brass knucks led to Joseph Abyssying up. Loved them focusing on a fan with the WWE Title replica, and another with a Mama Park sign dressed like Joseph. Bully celebration is up next.

MEM had a meeting and Rampage ACTED ANGRILY ABOUT TITO. HE IS JUST SO ANGRY! They showed an epic Brooke-Bully video with wacky music playing.  I completely forgot about Bully being a face. There's a fan with a marry me Sting sign in 2013. Amazing. Bully cut Sabin's balls off saying he didn't recognize the win because Bully beat himself. Bully for some reason gave Tito the mic. He stumbled over stuff, even with them being able to edit around things. They played Brooke Hogan's theme, which is pretty decent. Brooke somehow got a billion times hotter. Tenay did some more ADR through a tin can phone. His volume is super-low compared to everything else. Brooke sucked the ring off Bully's finger and spit it out...that was shockingly hot. Gail faces ODB next.

They did some stuff and Taz wondered if ODB's bra spots from last week used a watermelon holder. Taz was astonished that a low blow would hurt Gail. They re-ran that crawl with white text on a grey ring. Taz sang and stumbled over what damage could be done by the dirty dozen. Big superplex from ODB to Gail. This was a shockingly good match that was hurt by Taz on commentary.  Aces-MEM match is up next. But first, they played an awesome Jeff Hardy video package showing him winning the title last year due to it. He's fighting for the title this year to hear his daughter say daddy's the champ. This ruled. I'm a sucker for awesome shots of guys with the gold, and this had a ton of them and told a heartwarming story to boot. They replayed Aries turning down EGO earlier. And now he's talking again. Okay - last week, I could understand all the time killing stuff before the main event due to the cage, but this is odd. Great promo from Aries saying he doesn't need their help, Hogan's help, or Dixie going gaga over him - HE CAN DO IT BY HIMSELF! Hulk Hogan returns next week. Another recap of the Sabin-Bully deal. This show is starting to feel like SmackDown, only with an important world title. Sabin was all whiny with his promo. Sabin's chest was beyond fucked up from the chops. He. Can't. Believe. It! Now, after at least 10 minutes of filler, it's time for the main event. A goober held up a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME front of his face. MEM doesn't have the extra guy and we're going to a break, so I guess everyone will just stand around nicely for a while.

They're back and Ken Anderson has a mic to kill more time. He's inviting Bully out. I'll be astonished if he doesn't get a full intro. He did, and it led to Brooke's ass being highlighted in booty shorts. Not all filler is bad. It is now 10:40 and they began hyping this at 10:20. Ken is talking more, and got some horribly canned boos for saying the MEM should lay down. Emo AJ came out and instead of BEATING HIM UP TO GIVE HIS TEAM A MAN ADVANTAGE, Bully just let him walk by. AJ got to the ring, the lights went out and it was time to GET READY TO FLY. AJ's attacks had fire again and he had no beard. Dude looks a good decade younger without it. AJ and Sting have the exact same hair now. Rampage hit a club to the back and yelled at Knux. Great machine gun job spot from Joe to Wes. Nice death valley backbreaker to Garett. TO THE BREAK.

They came back with Magnus fighting a losing battle against the group. A big YES chant broke out. Knux hit a flying legdrop off the second rope for 2. DROPKICK from Sting, and two stinger splashes on Knux.  He had some decent fire here. Rampage did some basic stuff rather poorly, which was a fine example of there being a difference between being able to do moves and being able to wrestle a match. Sting hit the deathdrop and then got the deathlock. Spike feed got all weird. When it came back, Devon was in. AJ got tagged in and did the big flying forearm. Big enzuiguri to Devon got a 2.9. Spear hurt AJ, but didn't prevent him from hitting the clash on Devon. Bully was shocked. At least Devon got to go out in a match that also sorta involved Bully. Bully and AJ had a staredown, which was a great way to set up AJ winning the series and facing Bully at BFG.

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Monday, August 19, 2013

Raw 8-19-13

The show started with slow-mo clips of the PPV. They made it seem like an all-time great, although they did a better job of covering Brock-Punk than the WWE Title match(es). Despite HHH and Orton's deal, the show is starting with Cena. He said Bryan earned the title, which is far better than "titles come and go.". A WWE superstar should not be judged on his RACE, CREED, OR APPEARANCE!? WHAT!? Cena showed off his nasty elbow, and it's due to a torn tricep. Yikes. And his eyes is fucked up something fierce too. He said he couldn't work anymore, and would be leaving after tonight - this led to a glorious YES chant. He won't be active for 4-6 months. Bryan was brought out - he didn't do the YES bit. MASSIVE Daniel Bryan chant when he grabbed the mic. Before he could speak, Steph came out. Her crazy smile is in the tron for whatever reason.

I think she's faking tears. It's impossible to tell if she's fake bad acting, or just acting badly. Okay, she defended Hunter - so she's a heel now. "HHH WAS A REBEL! HE WAS A RENEGADE!" Wow. At least he then called him a sellout, and called Steph trash. He said he didn't fear being fired because he could go back to wrestling in armories and selling shirts out of his car if he had to. I bet Bryan's lack of fear is one reason Vince respects him so much to give him this shot. "You may not be an A, but you are a B+. SOLID!" - This is a really bizarre push. And then he implied she was a bitch, so the crowd chanted it. That ruled. Steph grabbed the mic, so he slapped it out of her hands. KEEP THIS MAN AWAY FROM ALL TIES! It's hard to believe this is nearly 20 minutes old, because time is flying by. Bryan was kicked out by Steph. He mouthed that he'd be back - can't wait.

Cody and Sandow got jobber intros for their unhyped rematch. They talked about Cody shaving on the JBL and Cole show - meaning WATCHING A MAN SHAVE is getting more hype than most matches.  They did moves. No shits were given before the break. Cody's face got rubbed in the mat leading Damien to ask how the mat tastes. I wonder if the mat tastes like chocolate. Loved King saying that MR. BELDING was there and Sandow tried to correct him. I demand a Sandow-Belding skit. Fans are chanting for the return of the stache. I'd like a return to better gear for Cody. He still looks like Meat. Cody won with a "very unique move" - a sunset flip. They said that a win here could make him the top contender for the World title, so...boy would that ever be terrifying given how un-over Cody is.

Maddox showed Dolph's tweet about never trusting HHH. Can't blame Dolph for not trusting HHH - he got buried a billion times when he started. And now Dolph has to face the Shield 3-on-1. Heyman's out next to speak. Heyman said it's not time for retribution - and he's willing to forgive Punk. He also called Brock "BIG BROTHER BROCK". I demand a sitcom called Big Brother Brock. "I'm about to get bozo on them bitches." - GO NAOMI. I love her threatening a Bella with POM POMS. After the break, they came out and JBL pondered where Planet Funk was. I think if you take a left near Parts Unknown, you'll find Planet Funk. AJ and Layla are the opponents, not the Bellas. Oh yeah, Nikki's hurt. AJ's ass is tonight. GIANT INOKI ENZUIGURI from Naomi. Schoolgirl got 2, but it was called a 3. Divas reffing is cursed. Miz hosted an annoying be a star ad. There should be an asterisks on-screen that lets you know if you lead to a Be a Star rally happening, you will be beaten up.

King wondered why Dolph was happy given his 3-on-1 match - valid. LOLed at Cole saying that WWE IS ALL ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH - IT'S WHAT THEY PREACH! They ranted about freedom of speech for a few eons while guys did some moves. Giant jumping DDT got 2 on Reigns. Reigs won with the spear in mid-air during the Sting splash. Why aren't Team Good Guys coming to save Dolph? Triple powerbomb after the match. Awesome 2K14 ad aired. Cole did the LONGEST RUNNING SHOW bit. Whew, for a moment there, I'd forgotten I was watching THE LONGEST-RUNNING EPISODIC TV SHOW IN HISTORY. Sin Cara's the opponent, and looks AWESOME next to the little Mexican flags on the ringpost. Great shot of him with them and the lighting. Sin Cara fucked up his right arm and they stopped the match, but not before Alberto got in a cheapshot. I guess Sin Cara's figure will now come with two slings. Alberto's face is beyond fucked up. He's got a cut on his forehead on the right side, and the left side is all red. RICARDO returned! He represents someone new...Rey? Hopefully - then the whole Mexican hero bit will make sense. The crowd's chanting for him and... holy crap, it's RVD. And they did a closeup of Alberto's left eye they should never do. Ricardo and RVD is certainly...different.

Zeb cut a promo about WWE being the subject of a lot of headlines, and THE REAL AMERICANS SHOULD BE MAKING HEADLINES. THEY HAVE COURAGE. They're pure. Zeb's also angry about illegals paying for food with a debit card using funds from his taxpayer dollars. He asked for the WE THE PEOPLE bit and a ton of people not only did it, but it was on the hard camera sign, and they said it too. And then the PTPs got no reaction. I almost can't believe that Cesaro got Titus up for the suplex. Kaitlyn tweeted if Cody was selling his moustache, leading to JBL saying if they tried to sell Zeb's, it'd take three days. Then King talked about a rat being inside and JBL pondering if it was an arena rat. A fan held up a FAT SWAGGER sign when he was in the ring. PTPs won with the Gut Check double knee gutbuster. Cole said FROM BEHIND, DARREN YOUNG! el-oh-el Renee clearly robbed the wardrobe closet from Miami Vice with this black and pink deal. I like Show's black, white, and blue singlet. Show faces the Shield in a handicap match where they're allowed in the ring at the same time. Logically speaking, why didn't they do that before?

They had a silly Foot Locker product placement bit. When Ryder was there, it was stupid. When Fandango and his glorious black, blue, and silver gear danced in, demanded shoes, and got them once he was told they'd be fine for dancing, it was glorious. They should've had a Snitsky cameo here. They replayed the show-opening vid. They did more bullying with the shower...I sense a Heidenrape scene soon. Nope, although they did get really weird with him yelling GET UNDER IT and GET IT WET. They talked about Be a Star and Show came out. Show's near gear really freshens up everything. Massive running dropkick from Ambrose set up the flying knee from Rollins. Nice double suplex from Show to Rollins and Ambrose. Reigns spear evened things up. Triple powerbomb got the win with them all covering him. Wow. They're definitely rebuilding the Shield nicely here. Punk is up next.

Punk came out hobbling while they showed some nice stills from his match last night. Punk got a boo, then basically told a fan to fuck off, get in the ring, or just be a bitch and stay there. Well, that was a wacky work. I hope anyway. Heyman came out with Axel as the mid-boss. Heyman said that Punk would fight Axel tonight and told him to tape his hands up. Why not have Curtis tape his fists up before when his wrists are already taped up? Loved Axel coming out, going to give Paul the belt, but he's way far back. Giant case of whatever to the back. Ring bell to the...gut...VINTAGE HENNIG KNEE-BREAKER drop thing to Punk. YOU ARE THE PRODIGAL SON WHO BROKE MY HEART! BREAK HIS LEG! Heyman rules. GTS on the steps took Axel out. This has to be leading to a new Heyman guy. Nope. Punk just stood there and stared. Well, I guess the adrenaline wore off and he couldn't move much. Bray's first Raw match is next, with no real hype.

Another WWE 2K14 ad aired, focusing on the Rock instead of Taker. Truth came out to get got. Crossbody and the dance with Abigail got the win. Holy shit, the matador gimmick for the Colons is happening. VIVA LOS MATADORES! 3MB's facing the Usos. JBL mentioned the Gentrys, and they also brought up Heath being a Golden Gloves champ. One Uso did the Taker dive, then tagged out for the Superfly dive. Holy shit that ruled. Cole used a Ricky Ricardo "splainin to do" bit for Orton. I'd be fine with a punt for that.

They came back from a break a showed Miz being a prick to Fandango at Summerslam. Miz is facing Barrett tonight. Cole referenced their IC Title feud, which I forgot about. "Miz is a former WWE Champion" sounds like a really absurd statement given how much that title means now and how little he means. Tremendous sell from a big boot from Miz. Miz is awful chant started. I think Mick now could do a better Cactus elbow than Barrett. Big LET'S GO BARRETT chant broke out. Miz's face turn is doing wonders for him. Fandango hit the flying legdrop to prevent a Miz win. Summer Rae's dress was five million kinds of awesome. "Forget about Daniel Bryan, let's talk about me.". HHH at least addressed the issues with Orton in the past for the greater good. Orton came out and Teddy clapped a ton - that ruled. Loved the evil look Orton gave when he hugged Steph. Orton gave HHH all the credit - so he's the REAL WWE Champion. Orton and Hunter hugged, and then HHH invited Bryan out. "Hey Shield guys" - oh fuck HHH. He has a great way to make everyone seem beneath him. Bryan, the guy Vince called a guy you wouldn't think was a wrestler in a grocery store, came out and kicked the Shield's ass before a Reigns spear took him out.HHH dares to mock Fighting Spirit! HHH as a heel is perfect since it's impossible to like the guy anyway. RKO out of nowhere took him out upon entering the ring. So everything built to the McMahons holding their arms high. Goddamn that took forever.

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WWE Summerslam 2013

This was an awesome show - easily the best Summerslam since '05. Not every match was great, but everything that needed to be great was at least that. Punk-Brock hugely over-delivered. My expectations for Brock's matches have been tapered by the HHH ones, but when Brock's not in there with him, he's incredible. I never expected him to do as much in WWE as he has - I figured we'd be getting watered-down NJPW stuff from him, but he has been willing to do a lot.

The timing of this match was interesting given that just the day before it, the man who sent Brock out of the UFC in controversial fashion was exposed more than ever before, while Brock was able to show that he can still be at the top of pro wrestling - even if his body isn't able to handle MMA. The difference between Brock having crossover skills and moreover, actually projecting being a terrifying force of nature compared to what's being done with Rampage, Tito, and King Mo is amazing. WWE gets how to use him - not perfectly, but they get the idea that BROCK LESNAR DESTROYER OF PLANET EARTH draws money. This had him bust out new gear that meshed his old stuff with the MMA board shorts, and break out things he hasn't used in a while like the triple backbreaker, which he then turned into a sweet powerslam. The slickness of it reminded me of Owen's side belly-to-belly in every way - only Brock is THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. Age and illness haven't yet sapped him of his freakish athleticism despite nearly dying, and that's amazing.

Loved the triange>Rampage powerbomb>triangle>RUNNING POWERBOMB OUT OF THE CORNER stuff. This match was worth buying the Blu-Ray for and made Punk look like a physical threat who would have won if it hadn't been for him making the Heyman thing personal. He HAD to get Paul, nothing could stop him. He did get him, but it cost him the match. Great kimura out of the GTS the first time, then the GTS hit TO THE STOMACH and Brock sold it brilliantly.

Might as well cover the rest in order. I liked the U.S. Title match, although I'm surprised they didn't also do the six-man tag here. Sure, they did it on SD, but they could've had the Shield win...and go against the usual faces win rule of the pre-show. Opener sucked, but accomplished its goal of giving Wyatt a big on-paper win. Cody-Sandow was a match. Nothing really memorable about it. This needs to be followed up with a 9 PM main event match on SD - something where they're given time. Christian-Alberto wasn't as good as their SD match, but was still quite good and I loved the arm usage. Christian's arm was attacked, he hit the spear with the bad arm, then tapped to the armbar.  This felt just different enough to avoid having that "same as the other five billion matches" most WWE feuds feel like now. Brie-Nattie was a match. Mixed tag was a match. Dolph's fall from grace really crystalized here as he was in the death slot. At least he won.

Cena-Bryan felt like MITB '11 pt2 with the crowd loving Bryan. He seemed to be tearing up before and hell, I would be too. His journey to not just WWE, but to the top of the card has been fascinating. More technical wrestling from Cena than usual, and I dug them bringing back the bridge>counter>monkey flip spot. Bryan locking on the STF was nice, and set up that move meaning even more than usual later. Loved the MMA elbows to counter a top rope FU. The super Styles Clash attempt from Cena was sickening. Bryan looked like a damned pogo stick in Cena's arms for that. Great bit with Bryan showing he did have RUTHLESS AGGRESSION by kicking the fuck out of Cena's injured elbow. Corner dropkick led to a repeat attempt, and a flip sell off a clothesline for Bryan.

Then there was FIGHTING SPIRIT with slaps, elbows, and kicks. Crossbody off the top led to an FU setup, but he countered into a near-small package for 2. Perhaps if he'd been able to lock it in perfectly, he'd have won. KENTA's flying knee won the title. God bless KENTA - maybe he'll get some royalty checks from Bryan and Punk at some point. I also hope that they've put Evan Bourne's flying knee back into WWE '13 AND MADE IT A FINISHER, so this can be replicated. Seeing Bryan win the world title was one thing, but this is on a totally different level. This felt like what his first world title win should have been, and it's amazing to think that he's now held both of WWE's world titles. Loved the celebration featuring some streamers in the crowd. 

Then he got pyro, confetti, and screwed over. Orton, who lost to Bryan on Raw not too long ago in an amazing (and violent) match, got his revenge thanks to a Pedigree. Orton as WWE Champion now feels so weird after nearly 2 years in purgatory, but I'd rather see him be a solid main eventer instead of being in limbo. Loved this bit of brilliant booking leading to a shot of the Smarten up, Dixie sign. And it all tied in nicely to Vince saying he didn't want Bryan or Cena as champ, but instead wanted a younger HHH. In Orton, the future in Evolution, he has that. This was just tremendous.

Friday, August 16, 2013

WWE SD 8-16-13

Instead of a recap on Raw's major happenings before the PPV, they're using the generic intro video. BOO! Shield vs. RVD/Henry/Show is announced for SD - shame too since it's a better match than the PPV with RVD-Ambrose. It feels super-rushed though - Show hasn't even really turned face yet.  Bryan-Barrett is also later, in a no DQ match. Wyatt clan is out. It's odd for them to use Twitter and wear merch, but at least the shirt fits the gimmick perfectly. SINCE THEY'VE STARTED IN WWE, THEY'VE SPOKEN OF BUZZARDS! Cole's insight is amazing. Same video package from Raw on them aired here. Bray Wyatt's promos just get better and better. He's a gifted verbal storyteller, and unlike a regular WWE promo, you can imagine every word he's saying in your mind and see the story unfold. I love all the little dark touches he added, like saying he'll bite the head off a snake just to taste the poison. Nice post-promo brawl too. Good flying crossbody from Bray. Kane was left laying, which was an interesting deal since he's certainly losing at the PPV too.

They hyped up the Summerslam Kickoff, which will be an hour deal instead of half an hour. Sandow brought his case and cuffs out. I demand he start bringing Chase Sandow, complete with adorable dress shirt, around once he turns face. They showed Cody being a dickhead and preventing Sandow from cashing in, despite that possibly making his match at the PPV a world title match. They hyped up that either the WHC or WWE Title case could be cashed in right after their matches, which tells me they're certainly not doing it for either case on the PPV. Doing it on Raw is entirely possible. They did some moves, went to a break, and came back with Cole saying it had been "more of the same". Cole defended Cody by saying he was a thief...but he did it FOR FUN! JBL went on a glorious rant about car theft, Cole driving Priuses, and basically sounded like Hank Hill here. Flip neckbreaker got 2 for Sandow. Flash cradle got the win for Christian. They're putting that over like crazy for him. Post-match spear ensures that Sandow's winning at the PPV. Alberto assaulted Christian afterwards to set up their match that has no real storyline behind it. Armbar was teased, but it led to the Killswitch. So he's losing at the PPV, despite Alberto saying he'd never hold the title again and that being a good way to set up a title win. RVD hopped into the interview area and said BOOM to talk to Renee. "I am going to obtain that United States Championship" is a sentence RVD would never say. Thank God Show came in there. He's apparently a good guy now because he was tired of sitting at home and wants some gold. Show's mugging during the RVD point ruled.

Kaitlyn and Nattie are out for a divas tag against AJ and Layla to hype up the mixed tag. JBL talked about Layla and AJ being two car wrecks in one garage.  Layla did a booty shake and Emma's dance before a lockup. According to Cole, Nattie and Brie have a big match on Summerslam because THEY HAVE EXCHANGED SLAPS. JBL was never a Jessca Rabbit fan until he met "Even Maria". Cole said that AJ said that Dolph was a little man who wasn't over...her! Flying boob tackle from Kaitlyn took AJ down. Kaitlyn got the gutbuster and didn't kill her. Layla broke up the pin  with a dropkick to the ass. Shining Wizard got the win for AJ. Layla celebrated by trying to jump into AJ, stopping when she realized that wouldn't work, and then just shook her tits around for a while. Ryback did an interview with Renee wearing a vest with RYBACK RULES on it and not wearing a shirt. Oh, and he's off Summerslam because he's too brutal. Ryback bullied some goon. Idiots yelled HELP HELP HELP.

Cole thanks THE 20 MILLION MEMBERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE FOR WATCHING WWE. Then said that Brock-Punk has everything - friendship, betrayal, yada yada yada. They showed some clips of his doc with Heyman talking to set up their friendship. They should've put this video on Raw too, because it was amazing. It showed Punk kicking ass, Brock kicking ass, and at Summerslam, there's gonna be more ass kicking! Shield 6-man is up. Ambrose is actually wearing the U.S. Title, and has slightly different gear without the flak jacket. Little things like that make me think he'll be the one to split off from the group.

They came back with a recap of the Bray-Kane deal from before. Show came out and they recapped the battle royal and Show's return. Rollins was sent sky-high off the corner monkey flip - great stuff from him. Roman attacked Show's hip which he just had surgery on. Everyone went down, with Roman being taken out with a beal over the table and him being taken out by a Rollins flip dive, Show got in, hit the KO punch, and a five star frog splash gave RVD a win over Ambrose. Shield felt like nothing here. I was wondering what the main event could be, but they reminded everyone of Bryan-Barrett. Miz-Swagger is next. I'd rather have that than another talk show segment.

Got a local DC market ad for FS1's launch. They referenced the channel number, which is very helpful since it's been eons since I watched the Speed Channel. Swagger, Zeb, and CESARO'S CAPE came out. Zeb said that everyone hated Miz, that he's a phony, and he only has two friends. If Hollywood had any sense, they'd put Cesaro and Swagger's name in lights! This promo ruled. They brought up Arnold, Hercules in New York, and Shakespearean stuff in Terminator. MICHAEL COLE got on Zeb for exaggerating things. Swagger has shaved his beard, and looks so much older facially than he did before the beard. Weird spot where Miz went to kick Cesaro, didn't, he got distracted, and then Miz fell to the floor and decided to just throw himself into the barricade. Ref threw out Zeb and Cesaro. Cradle got Miz the win within seconds anyway, so it really served no purpose. Zeb made some gloriously silly faces here. Axel's out to destroy someone next so Heyman can cut a promo.

WWE Magazine's 1,000 Most Awesome Things ad was quite bizarre, but amusing. Ryder is Axel's victim. JBL referenced the ref talking on Facebook about the divas tag without referencing it directly. Paul Heyman is a SUPER AGENT according to JBL. I wonder if he's friends with the SUPER COPS from Beverly Hills Cop. Ryder looks so pale next to Axel. Crossbody off the top missed, and it led to a short backdrop. JBL referenced Buster Douglas losing without a cornerman and how that could happen to Punk. Hatchet reverse neckbreaker won for Axel. Heyman speaks after the break.

Another Jobs ad - the more they show of that, the worse it seems. GHOST SHARK is airing Thursday at 9. Fangasm was hyped. That name doesn't see too appropriate to hype up on a PG show. Heyman said he was outsmarted, and gave Punk credit for pulling off the impossible. And instead of Brock-Punk being about Punk's revenge, it's now about Brock's revenge for Punk's attack. Cena-Bryan hype vid was more of a McMahon family one with them as special guest stars. This whole deal reminds me of two years ago where they hotshotted five million big angles in the midst of one hot one and wound up hurting everything. According to Cole, HHH is the guest "reeferee". I figured that would be RVD. They talked about Cena's injured elbow and an article on it on the site. Cole said that Cena said Bryan COULD BE THE NEXT ROCK, or the first Daniel Bryan. JBL said that Bryan is rising up just like Austin did. JBL demanded a Spanish announce table at ringside to take the abuse in this match instead of theirs. I loved JBL saying that if Barrett won here, after the Raw win, and Bryan won, he'd had to be the top contender - it makes Barrett seem like a bigger deal to have a logical, linear road to the title. Missile dropkick led to the VINTAGE HBK kip up. Vince came out after apparently robbing a use car salesman of his red and white grid paper design suit jacket. 

They came back and the fans chanted "this is wrestling". Vince looked weird when fans did the YES bit, so he did it back when Barrett was on offense. Barrett went for New Jack's flying chair elbow drop and missed. JBL said that Kendo Nagasaki's smiling when Bryan grabbed the cane - which one? The alternating cane/kick  combo from the Orton match returned. Schoolboy was teased for a win, but it led to 2 and the YES lock. Vince took the ref out. Bull hammer got 2 even with Maddox as the ref. Vince looked so offended at that. Bryan got a high kick, and Vince played to the blinded members of the audience in the back row with his silly faces and body language. Vince's hand slid towards the cane, which somehow found its way into Barrett's hand. It didn't help him though as it led to the corner dropkick taking out Barrett after a cane shot hit Maddox. Vince tried to put on a shirt that was too small, which gave HHH time to lumber down in a shirt 19 sizes too big. He looked like a 10 year old in daddy's dress shirt. Flying headbutt won. This was a cluster, but put Bryan over big and served to show that HHH would be impartial. Then he did the YES bit. I call bias there. Orton came out to close the show and tease a Summerslam cash-in.

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Thursday, August 15, 2013

TNA Impact Wrestling 8-15-13 - Hardcore Justice

The pre-Impact Cops show started with a frightening DWI with two people getting in a wreck, flipping the car, it going into flames, them getting out and a dude getting tased due to resisting arrest. This was fascinating given that Angle's off the show, in part, due to a DWI. During a domestic dispute call, Hardy's backstage cutting a promo and Aries is being a complete dickhead. Isn't he a face now? I think the ladder match is starting the show. The credit roll video is just a bunch of bloody dudes and fire. Boy, the Hardcore Justice name sure doesn't seem to fit this given that there's nothing like that booked here. Yup, ladder match 4-way starts the show. They'll be fighting over a contract that just says 20 on it. I'm pretty sure they made that in MS Word between the time of the pre-match Aries-Hardy deal and showtime.  Taz called Hardy the charismatic egomaniac engigma and laughed at his own joke. Tenay busted his chops for that. They plugged Dixie's twitter, where she ran down the stips of Hardcore Justice - no hardcore matches. Taz called Hardy Harvey. Oh lord. Neck snap to Kaz led to AJ bonking his head with the ladder. Taz is screwing up shit left and right here. Less than 10 minutes in and I already want him gone. Aries and Hardy brawled on top of the ladder, then fall onto AJ and Kaz on the apron to take them all out for the break. Great ad break spot.

They came back and showed part of the area above the ring - I think they've got pictures of the BFG series guys with their point totals taped on it. Looks super bush-league compared to the banners Bellator uses. Turns out it doesn't even have their photos on it. God, that's even worse. Crazy sunset bomb off the top of the ladder. Corner dropkick from Aries to AJ with the ladder instead of the buckls. Styles Clash on Aries led to a flatliner from Kaz at the same time. They talked about the TNA work out app - it actually costs $2. Aries climbed but was distracted by Roode and Daniels. AJ lept perfectly onto the ladder. Appletini to the face blinds AJ and Kaz wins.  MEM is walking backstage. Magnus's suit is amazing, while Rampage's camo suit jacket is ridiculous. They're clearly both trying to outdo Vince's suit from Raw.

Sabin did a backstage deal talking about being a fan and watching Team 3D put a guy through a flaming tack table...why remind people of things they won't have on this show? Dixie was in the ring with the MEM in a neon yellow, pink, and white dress. She talked about Kurt being in rehab - everyone supports Kurt. Aces came out and said that only gave them 1 week to come up with a replacement. Anderson's bragging about ending careers in the goofiest way possible. His delivery is ridiculous. They showed a close-up of Sting, and he looked like a young-looking 60 year old. Anderson talking about a guy not fulfilling his potential is hilarious. According to Magnus, Norfolk is MAFIA COUNTRY. And that one of the Aces was going home with a pink slip, baybee! Is there a way for a babyface to not be annoying in 2013? Rampage got shockingly physical here taking a beating from Devon and Anderson. Tito arrived in his Wrestling is Real tee.KOs are walking - their 4-way hardcore match is next.

I liked having the heels start so the faces would get a big pop. Wisely, Velvet is nowhere to be seen in a hardcore match. Great "LET'S GO MICKIE!" chant for the champ. Taz sang Mickie's theme. No Surrender will apparently be the big September Impact show. They talked about Hulk being away for meetings. Sure was...making sure everything was good with his WWE 2K 14 deal. At least someone in TNA gets a gaming royalty check. ODB laying out the heels with a kendo stick. Mickie's ass is outstanding. ODB ripped off one of her bras and used it to do a beal, and then hang Gail over the ropes. Okay. That was definitely unique. Ringpost figure four led to Mickie holding ODB's arms back, then ODB made a combeack and hit THE BAM on the chair to win. This was not exactly Gail-Taryn, but was damn sure memorable. Sting was pissed backstage with the MEM, and is dressed like Gordon Gecko. He wants Aries for the Mafia, so that means he won't join.

Sting asked for Aries' help since he looks great in a suit and is a former world champ. Aries agrees that he's the main event in every match, and they got a great shot of him through the lockers. They cut away from Aries' full response to show him losing earlier. Roode was happy about Kaz, and he'll get 20 more later tonight. Rampage looked like the most awkward man in human history asking a question to Magnus. Then he sounded more awkward saying that since Aries said no, he. has a. solution to it. and he needs to. go to the ring. Hour 1 is about over and this has been a pretty good show so far.

They came back and had an awesome video for Sabin-Bully. All it was missing was showing Sabin beating Bully years ago to end 3D. Bully's talking to Brooke, and said that tonight, he's destroying the boy and next week, CALFZILLA'S COMING HOME TO CELEBRATE! "I love you too, Brooke." DUN DUN DUN! Rampage and Joe are out. Rampage's theme is ungodly bad. Holy shit, Rampage got his charisma back. He cut an awesome promo about people calling him a sellout, but pro wrestling being the reason he got into pro wrestling and slams dudes in MMA. Rampage called out Tito to join the Mafia. I just now noticed this goofy Stronger Than Death shirt guy with a silly haircut. He's somehow taking attention away from a guy in a camo suit. Rampage said they should take over Impact Wrestling like they did in MMA, and then Tito said a bunch of stuff. Bully came Tito's theme. He said he WOULD kick both their asses, but he's got a cage match tonight. Anderson came out to the Aces music because the table match is next. I'm astonished they didn't play his WWE theme.

They came back and showed Rampage asking Tito to help. They showed a better shot of the stuff above the ring - it's just a bunch of b-ball jerseys for the arena itself. Taz, the bad-ass biker gang member, talked about Magnus wearing a white tie and it reminding him of wearing a white tie for his communion as a kid. I like that Taz says that Magnus and Joe are working together because they were tag champs, and not because THEY'RE IN THE MAFIA RIGHT NOW. Joe rang the bell on Roode's balls, leading to a HOLY YAMBAG BELL-RINGING call from Taz. Ringside face wash on Anderson was redone for a good reason - a kid was at risk for the first attempt. Suicide dive by Joe after an irish whip, and a crossbody attempt from Anderson led to the Northern Lights Bomb from Magnus. Even with his whole body covered, Anderson looks really skinny - he can't be more than 230 now. Muscle buster done to Anderson, but Roode moved the table before hand. Punch/chop combo from Joe on the apron to Roode. Kaz tried to help Roode. Appletini to the face led to a powerbomb from Roode through the table out of the corner to Magnus. It's only 10:25 and the cage match is up, so the new MEM member deal will close the show. It's the only non-4 way on the card. Strange to have a show called Hardcore Justice with so many 4-ways. 3-ways would at least be VINTAGE ECW!

Sting was asked about Tito, he said that "Tito is...Tito...". That about sums him up perfectly. They showed an awesome No Surrender video package saying that there we'll find out who faces the champ at BFG. Anderson talked shit to Bully about him losing, and Bully said that he got the hammer from him. Anderson placed the blame on the Tooth Fairy. Bully doesn't know if he can beat him. They yelled a bunch. I forgot about them having to set the cage up - that explains hyping it so early. Another 4-way, or maybe a tag match, is up for 20 points with Hernandez and Bradley with Daniels and Park. Bully's out, and Sabin will be out after the break.

Sabin came out and Taz said that Bully was gonna go through Sabin like a hot knife through butter after admitting he's a big cliche guy. At 10:40, it's time for the main event to start. Taz is putting Sabin under something fierce, calling him scrawny. Hesitation dropkick to the gut from Sabin. A Bully Ray/Sabin Sucks dueling chant is going on. Yikes. Taz name-dropped Ted Arcidi when Bully held a press slam for about 30 seconds, then went with Jeep Swenson. Wow.

They came back to show Bully throwing Sabin into the cage with a press slam. Taz once again compared Bully to Ted Arcidi like it was a good thing, leading to Bully giving him a shoutout before landing some crossfaces. It's a shame that no video game ever put those in all that well. They're telling the same basic David vs. Goliath match as before, but this is way more entertaining than the first match. Tenay begged viewers to watch Fight Master after the show. Taz then called Bully the Ring Master. Sleeper from Sabin led to Taz yelling to Bully about wrist control. Outstanding vertical chop>elbow to the jaw exchanges here. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER FROM SABIN! Sabin whipped Bully with his own vest. This match rules. They fought on top and Sabin did some kicks to the ribs. A super rana was attempted, but botched with Bully taking a nasty landing on his shoulder. He still counted the Hail Sabin with a suplex.

 Ref was taken out with a spinning powerslam attempt, then avalanched against the cage. Dropkick against the cage for Sabin, and a missile dropkick. Sabin got a visual pin, but the crowd counted instead of him. He tired to go through the door, but WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, the cage door got slammed on him. Loved Ken's YOU SHALL NOT PASS. Rampage came to slam him into hte cage, but Tito bonked him with the hammer. So now a Bellator PPV is being built up with a hammer angle. Bully hit a powerbomb and won the title. Now that Sabin lost it, the title is THE POWER again.

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Monday, August 12, 2013

Raw 8-12-13

Bryan's out with a big YES chant and his old beard shirt on. They're recapping the Bryan-Barrett deal so they can do a rematch of the match on SD where Barrett was destroyed. He wanted the rematch...why do losers get to demand rematches? Ah, now it makes sense - Maddox is the ref, so he's just doing Vince's bidding for him. Flying knee off the apron missed and led to a big boot on the floor. Suicide dive looked nasty. Cole said the flying headbutt was inspired by...HBK of all people. Could've at least said Dynamite. Schoolboy led to a quick three from Maddox. IT'S GOAT VS. MAD OX! Goddammit, MizTV will happen with Bryan-Cena, and Punk-Heyman is later too. Orton faces. Sandow in yet another case holder vs. case holder match.

Cody's out to do commentary, because this match needs four commentators. Cole recapped what Cody did to the case, in case Cody forgot for some reason. Loved Sandow handcuffing the case to the ringpost. A fan of RANDY ORTAN held up a giant pink sign. The crowd cares about the intros and not the matches - they're dead for this too. Backdrop on the barricade was reduced to an app spot. Cole delivered exposition about every possible part of the Cody-Sandow storyline. Loved JBL saying "lemme call Dusty, Cody's a kleptomaniac!" Oh, and Orton with an RKO off the distraction. They showed RVD doing the splits on some chairs to prep for the 20 man battle royal to make a contender for Ambrose's title. They showed Henry, Ryback, and some other dudes. Ambrose and Reigns made a challenge for the tag titles. OUTSTANDING promo from Ambrose about the U.S. Title being something everyone runs from now that he holds it, and that Punk's just a catchphrase - he's the best in the world and Cena has a trophy. Unless Andre's ghost is in the battle royal, he ain't losing the title!

They replayed the awesome Brock-Punk promo from SD. Goddamn that is easily the best hype vid all year. Josh asked Punk why he accepted a match before's Heyman... Punk's got a Macho Man shirt under his hoodie. Khali went from being in the battle royal to being in a mixed tag against Big E and AJ. Inset promo from Big E - it was pretty awesome. Cole sounds like a fucking robot reciting all this exposition. Sharpshooter, AJ tapped, ref...didn't do anything. And then they redid the spot and he called the tap. Big E went after Hornswoggle, who was saved by Khali. Not sure why you'd make Big E look weak. JBL rightly said this went off the rails. Vince walked in the greatest maroon suit jacket ever.

Nattie, Booker, and HBK will be the Summerslam talking heads. Ambrose's U.S. Title match will be on the pre-show too. Vince came out doing his Vinciest walk ever. It's hard to believe it's been 15 years since the Vince-Austin stuff. He brought out Maddox and he asked to be the ref for the Summerslam main event. A fat guy in a HHH shirt from 2000 tried to do the NO bit. Vince asked him to be the ref on scout's honor. HHH came out in a suit...still looks weird. HHH said they needed a ref who wouldn't be intimidated. And then he pedigreed Maddox. I think he might be ref, not sure. Cole confirmed it. Fuck. This match didn't need anymore McMahonamania bullshit.

I got an FSN 1 ad during this break. Kane-Wyatts video. The Ring of Fire match is the Inferno match without the goal to set someone on fire - just to get a win inside the ring. Titus is facing Kane in the latest match the crowd couldn't a shit less about. Chokeslam win. Bray's out with a Wyatt Family sheep mask shirt. Cole recited exposition about the Wyatts and Kane's pyro excited Bray. I gotta say, the match does feel more important thanks to the stip, and it does make sense, so while it hasn't been explained well at all before tonight, it should help Bray a lot.

They hyped up the new ep of Total Divas...airing against Summerslam, with Nattie's drama, Nikki being fat, and Cameron wanting implants. THE BELLAS ARE IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE DIVAS DIVISION! And Nattie made a challenge against Brie at the PPV. Eva Marie will be with Brie, and the Bootydactyls will be with Nattie. The. Ac-ting. Here. Was. Terrible. Alberto, the world champ, came out for some sort of match against someone feeling like just a dude. And he's facing Kofi, who perhaps could've come back with some steam if they told a comeback story. Instead, he's just back, and he's a dude. Crowd gives zero shits about this. Reverse superplex got 2. Somehow, a let's go Kofi chant got going. SOS hit for 2  reminded me that RVD BEAT THE WORLD CHAMP and was rewarded with a shot at the U.S. Title shot...maybe. Springboard led to the codebreaker and the armbar. Mark Henry was shown stretching before the battle royal.

Another, new epic Punk-Brock vid aired. They showed a hype vid for CHRISTIAN!? Woah. Pleasant surprise. He really needs to wear those jumpsuits again. It's a shame they did this, because he's not winning after beating Alberto twice and it feels like a waste of a video package. Real Americans came out. CESARO IS WEARING THE FLAG AS A CAPE. YES! Great promo from Zeb about California sinking into the ocean and making America 2.5 million times better. They're facing the Usos after beating them last week, which they thankfully recapped. Perfectly fine match here. We the People chant. Big double over the top suicide dive from the Usos. Nice through the poster superkick led to a blind cradle and a win. This picked up a lot towards the end. Miz TV is up next.

Miz did his usual too-fast intro. Bryan's out first and Cena said IT'S TIME TO GET ROWDY!! Like either K-Kwik or Ronda Rousey. Maybe Piper. Both Cena and Bryan were fine with HHH being ref. Cena cut a boring promo on Bryan. Miz tried to stir shit up, leading to Bryan saying he'd punch him if he didn't shut up. This got a big yes chant. Bryan fired back on Cena with conviction saying he wasn't just going to give him a fight, he was going to win and phonies like Cena are why he doesn't watch TV. And he said Cena's a parody of wrestling and that he wants the title not for fame, but to prove to everyone he's the best. Bryan is trying his best to save this. Cena talked about how amazing the WWE Universe is and how every WWE Superstar does what they do! Cena's promo needs some TM signs throughout it. Cena is saying stuff really loudly, but it comes off as melodramatic. And then he said that he doesn't fight for those who don't like him - he fights for those that do, like the kids with the Cena shirts, and the 7 year old Make A Wish kid he met today...that was a bit much. Then he just talked and talked and talked and talked. Cena will only respect him if he wins the WWE Title...why? Then Bryan brought things back to reality saying that for Cena, as an 11 time champion, he can't understand the hunger of wanting to be the champion just once. Then he wanted to give Cena HIS FIGHTING SPIRIT with a slap. But he can't do it because Cena isn't a wrestler. Awesome. Cena slapped him, Bryan asked him if he really wanted it, but said he didn't deserve it. Then HHH came out for some fucking reason. Then Orton came out...was Russo rehired?

Fandango's out with his most ridiculous outfit to date after they plugged Domino's. He's facing Truth. In a dance off. Or a match. Or something. No one seemed to win. I don't know what this was. Battle royal is coming up. SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE HAVE SPENT 30 SECONDS DOWNLOADING THE WWE APP! Axel talked to Heyman, who was nervous. RVD came out. Then a bunch of geeks did. And Ryback. Battle royal is after the break. Gabriel's theme rules. YAY MARK! They did stuff. Fandango eliminated Truth after being eliminated. SD hype involves Sandow teasing a cash-in. This was nothing until Kofi saved himself from elimination by latching onto Cesaro, then using Cesaro's leg to kick Swagger. Big RVD chant here. Rolling Thunder was stopped with the Meathook. Henry shoved out the Real Americans on his own. RVD won after Ryback got rid of Henry and he got rid of him. There's a compelling story they could tell with RVD going after a title he's never won before in his 20 year career, but they didn't bother telling it. Shield came down and Henry stayed. The Shield surrounded the ring before Big Show came down looking gigantic in the gut. This did a good job setting up both a tag and U.S. Title match for the PPV, but I think we're only getting one of them. The Summerslam card feels a bit slapped together due to all of these last-second things going on. Heyman-Punk is next.

Cole called Axel "Curtis Assel". Two dudes chanted ECW. Paul brought out his bestest buddy in the world, THE DOOM BRINGER BROCK LESNAR! Paul hyped up Brock by saying he had a gift for him - A VIDEO OF BROCK BRINGING DOOM! And saying that the beast is the best. This was great - and I loved Heyman saying that he'll fight Punk IF he'll fight him and Brock. Heyman pointed out that heroes are usually stupid and that Punk isn't stupid - he has an option here. He can just not show up and disappoint everyone tonight and face BROCK LESNAR at Summerslam. Punk showed a camera man! He bonked Brock hard with a camera twice. Suicide dive. This was glorious. Brock's out. Heyman's in the ring alone...OH MY GOD, PLEASE NO! Curtis Assel made the save. GTS to Axel with Brock looking on dazed.

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