Monday, December 30, 2013

Raw 12-30-13

The final Raw of the year starts of with Punk. Loved the kid pumping his sign to his theme. IT'S RAW 1,075! Punk defined 12/30 as the end of one year and being close to the beginning...well, that's a statement of fact. Punk saying that he started the year as the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years really makes his star seem less now. At least he's putting over the matches with Rock and Taker. Words. More words. I'm about done with this promo. Putting over the Shield. Being US Champ and former tag champs matters! Iron sharpens iron and he wants the Shield in some form. Oh thank God here they come. Ambrose's earring just looks weird. Ditto the sight of them all in the ring with him and them not just beating the shit out of him. Punk said he WANTED THE BEST IN THE SHIELD. Ambrose accepted. Punk said he's already beaten him half a dozen times, resulting in Rollins snickering a bit. Punk demanded that Reigns should see if he's the best, while Rollins stepped up. Maybe the Cena match really opened some eyes. Reigns and Rollins argued and Rollins plead his case, while the fans chanted for Reigns loudly. His face turn is already organically working. Maddox, who is the GM again, made the Punk-Rollins match. This seems to be building up Punk and Roman vs. Rollins and Ambrose at WM, or maybe the Rumble if they jumpstart this face turn. They did a minute of nothing before a break.

PUNK-ROLLINS HAS BEEN CONFIRMED!? The match started before the break. They kept harping on this "best in the Shield" stuff, which is overdoing it for a breakup tease. Punk broke the rope choke/Tarantula thing out of mothballs leading to Cole saying it's not illegal and JBL rightly saying that it is because the ref's counting for him to stop doing it. @ShirtlessShield got on the Twitter crawl - what a great Twitter name. Cole put over Seth's match on SD with Cena. Rollins shoved him to the floor leading to a break and Ambrose mocking Punk while wearing the dick belt deal. The first SD of 2014 got the most generic hype ever despite being taped in advance. They came back with Punk doing a chain of headbutts to Rollins. More hype for the Authority, the true top stars on Raw. The crowd chanted THIS IS AWESOME. No, it isn't. It's been iffy and okay at best. ACROSS THE RING BUCKLE BOMB from Rollins. Rollins has always been a small guy to do that move, but by doing it to top guys, he comes as credible doing it. Blackout missed, but the enzuiguri gets 2. GTS teased by Rollins, which led to the shining wizard against the ropes and an elbow drop tease. Corner Flatliner. Seth went for the Curtain Call, but it was countered by Punk into one, then into the GTS position before Seth hit the Skywalker, but Ambrose prevented the pin. Outside in sunset flip led to a GTS win for Punk. Great final few minutes there. Seth selling the GTS like death ruled. Ambrose looked hearbroken on the floor - a bit like a scared rat. Maddox met with HHH and Steph and wanted an IC Title match they could be proud of, and that Kane isn't there. Raw technically has four authority figures. Bryan came in and Maddox made a roundabout gauntlet match with him and the Wyatts.

THE TRIBUTE TO THE TROOPS SHOW was the most socially-active show on Saturday. Steph in skinny jeans came down to make THE MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. She said that they'd change nothing, and then ran an Orton video. Benoit's nameplate made the video. I completely forgot about Orton pinning Taker at Summerslam '05. The Summerslam title win excised the pedigree. Steph clapped the mic afterwards. Cena-Orton at the Rumble was announced, and just like TNA in '08, a no-stip match is now the exception...sorta since it's no countout and no DQ. IT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST REMATCHES IN HISTORY! You know, when you apply "one of the biggest matches" to not just one, but two matches that don't deserve it, the term loses all meaning. Oh yeah, the IC Title match is Big E-Fandango.

Naturally Big Dave hype video aired. Steph walked past the laundry room to talk to her husband and he's got an announcement. Axel's in the ring, and said 2014 would be better than 2013 in an inset promo. Axel's beard is nearly Wyatt-level. He's facing Dolph...and I'm honestly not sure who's winning this. Cole hyped this up as a battle of losers, and Dolph cut an inset promo about twerking more than Miley. Cole hyped up Instagram. Crazy bump over the top from Dolph led to a slick over the top hop from Axel. You can vote for an opponent for Sandow after this match. Why would anyone want to do that? Crazy bump from Axel off the second rope from Axel. Dolph hit the mounted corner ADD punches. Crowd's almost making some noise for this match. Zig Zag wins! This was pretty good stuff. Loved them saying that this was a big win. Again, the term means nothing using it when it doesn't apply. I loved King burying the app tutorial. Sandow's options are Khali, Kingston, or Miz...why would anyone want to see any of those matches?

OLD SCHOOL RAW IS NEXT WEEK. Flair will be there. JBL talked about Mel Phillips. I'll just assume that wasn't a thing Vince yelled at him to say. Cole lied about social media going crazy over Big E-Fandango. Summer Rae showing off some fine T&A in that dress. This is the hour 1 main event and is getting the big match intro. Great idea in theory - shame Fandango hasn't been built up and this isn't May when he was super over. Fandango's chops to the chest are being sold like giving a Samoan a headbutt, which makes sense. Cole asked himself a question to keep things moving on commentary. Fandango kicked him in the knee, leading to E's head hitting the knee hard.

They came back and Cole hyped this up as a CLASSIC MATCH. No, it isn't. King shockingly mentioned Anderson Silva's leg snapping during the leg-based offense. Ultimate splash countered with a kick to the knee, and Fandango hit a tornado DDT for 2. This is Big E's best singles match yet. Legdrop off the top hits, but E rolls to the floor. Big E busted out a nasty overhead belly to belly after the side belly to belly earlier. big splash hits. Straps are down, arms out out ala Raven, and the Big Ending gets the win. This over-delivered in a major way. Bryan-Wyatt recap to set up the gauntlet later.

Punk-Reigns was made for next week. Booker T in an amazing scarf came out with mid-carders and divas to celebrate. New Year's Spinaroonie...but Bad News Barrett won't allow it. His podium now rises. Jacyl's lowered and it did about as well for him. A-Ry's out there. Barrett's not even getting much heat by saying that ALL OF THE CROWD'S HOMES WILL BE LOST. And now Sandow said he'd quit if he lost his match. The World Heavyweight title is now the Classic World Heavyweight Title and the Rock offered up King James a WWE Title. Khali's the opponent. Khali got some shitty offense, took some offense, and the crowd just gave no shits. They sang the ole song. Commentators talked about plants being watered. JBL buried Runjin Singh for being in a fire. Sandow won with a schoolboy with Khali's left shoulder up the whole time. Thank God they just ended it. More Bryan-Wyatt stuff. I like that they're showing it sequentially - it reminds me of the old days of PPV where they'd show clips of the feud in chronological order without goofy video effects. Brodus-Truth is next.

Best PPV matches of 2013 set was hyped up. Sadly, it's not getting a Blu-Ray release. Rumble is brought to us by Jackson-Hewitt - if Raw hits a slump again, maybe JBL can do his taxes live. Clay got no intro and is in his black, white, and green gear. Woods referenced his TNA past by saying that Truth saw him when he was trying to make a name for himself. Crowd gave no shits. Over the shoulder backbreaker lasted a whole second. Miz tweeted that something's gotta change in 2014. You're marrying Maryse dude - just leave WWE. Brodus used the train wreck, then hit a big leaping elbow. Brodus's offense looks terrible and he's repeating everything he's doing, and not doing it any better. Woods danced, the girls came out, and then Truth hit the Lil Jimmy off the top - which looks stupid, but was at least a highlight. WHY IS BRODUS STILL IN THIS COMPANY!? 10-diva tag is later, and HHH's announcement is next.

Cole begged people to use the hashtag bestforbusiness and pointed out the upper-left graphic. HHH came out and they waited a bit too long to bring Brock out. His new shirt is awesome, and once again, HE'S COMING BACK TO WWE. It's like his third comeback in less than two years. Brock's down to 2 sponsors, and then HHH and Brock shook hands. Heyman's back being great. Brock's mission statement isn't here to settle old scores - he has none because when you fight him, he beats you and then he forgets about you. He's not here on Paul's behalf, HE'S HERE TO BE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. I would so love to see Brock wearing the new title. He wants the winner of Cena-Orton, and will get it. Brock said that no one could challenge him tonight. I bet the strongest man on Earth fights him. Modern-Day Henry vs. Brock could be pretty awesome. SPEAR THROUGH THE BARRICADE from Brock led to a banshee yell. F5 ON THE FLOOR led to another yell. THIS RULED!

Recap of Brock kicking ass. I could watch this all night - I'm definitely doing this match in 2K14. Divas match. True Divas got the jobber intro. Eva and Kaitlyn doing stuff appears to be softcore porn. Cole talked about the handshake tour and Eva hating it due to the hands being sweaty. This led to him saying she didn't like having to use Purell and her being all about it. Both JBL and King buried him for that, then Cole said he didn't mean she's all about Purell - just hand sanitizer, which was no less ridiculous. JBL hyped up wanting to bring back Justin Hawk Bradshaw next week and wanting his Uncle back. Using the hashtag bestforbusiness now stands for Brock - brilliant way to make that term seem like a bigger deal. They all did shit, and Aksana won with the reverse Final Cut after some crack got revealed. I think Ariane's got fake tits now because she was in a short shirt the whole match.  Another Bryan-Bray thing. This is the main event match, so at least Bryan's back in main events regularly. A new Batista hype vid aired. Jackhammer shown during the Batista vid...Batista-Goldberg would be pretty awesome. Another troops vid with "So Here's to Us" for a video with WWE congratulating themselves. Cena-Orton's graphic looks nice, and they made it clear that the match's stip was done so there would be a finish. Brad apologized for the Khali call. He also confirmed that Flair would come back. Another recap of the Bryan-Wyatts deal, from Raw. They've done an awesome job building that up without overdoing it.

After a night of hype, Bryan got a jobber intro. They begged people to use #followthebuzzards for the match. Loved Cole getting pissed at JBL. FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE WAS THROWN OFF A LEDGE! And fine days later. Bryan and Luke were great - what a shock. Bryan finally locked on the dragon sleeper variant of the surfboard. Boomerang on the ropes from Harper set up the gator roll perfectly. "Start working in the break spot." WHOOPS! They came back with Bryan kicking Luke's chest in on the floor against the barricade. Bryan's chest has been beaten red by the corner chops. SUPER BATISTA BOMB got 2! Between Cena doing it on Raw and that, the move sure won't mean as much as it would've otherwise. Nasty double-arm chop from Harper. HALF NELSON SUPLEX! Harper shining as a main eventer in WWE is...not something I ever saw coming. Harper escaped the Yes Lock with biting, then booted him in the face. This match rules. Running knee gets the win! Sadly, this wasn't the Raw main event on its own - it's time for Bryan-Rowan, which should be good if kept short. They showed the barricade all mangled when Rowan threw him to the floor.

For some reason, Rowan being tossed over the announce table wasn't a DQ. "The story on Raw - more of the same!" SUPER FALLAWAY SLAM from Rowan. Snap Small Package got the win! Harper prevented more of a beating from Rowan - now there's another good face turn I could get behind. Bray teased a corner attack, but allowed Bryan a free hit from behind...and then the Family came in to attack him for a DQ. Lots of wall-tossing. Nice double chokslam. Then Bray sang and Bryan said Bray was right. This had a bit of a crucifixion tone to it. Bryan said the machine would never let him win, and the crowd that chants yes now doesn't care. I'M YOURS! Bryan begged to join, but Bray wouldn't hold his hand. He instead gave him Sister Abigail (the move, not the chair), and held his hand while they carried him out. This was...something. I loved the visual of Bryan slowly walking after Bray. They are...slowly building to something happening here. The crowd chanted no, then DANIEL BRYAN, leading to some intense seething. They are doing a great job teasing this, even though it will wok out far better in a video package.

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Friday, December 27, 2013

SD 12-27-13

Wyatts start off the show with a match against the Usos. Big dive from one onto Rowan a minute in. Discus lariat sets up a big Rowan splash for a quick win. Bray attacks one of them after the match. Recap of the main event on Raw, Cena's out for a promo. THIS CROWD IS GOING TO HELP THE ENTIRE WWE UNIVERSE AROUND THE WORLD RING IN THE NEW YEAR! Then he did wacky math. He wants Cena-Orton for the title TONIGHT. Bet that doesn't happen. Shield beatdown. There we go - that's more likely. WORLD'S STRONGEST SANTA for the save. Big E made a save, and Mr. Kane made three separate singles matches. Ambrose-Langston, Henry-Reigns, and Cena-Rollins. Thank God all of this stuff happened or the show would apparently have no card. Tyler Black vs. John Cena is set for WWE TV. Amazing - as was Cena's wacky face during the announcement. Batista return vid. Orton said that maybe he'll enter the Rumble to watch WM from a sky box while writing his HOF induction speech. Dolph was a dickhead to him and said he didn't deserve to be champion. Orton wanted to kick his ass, but Mr. Kane said it was a safe zone - save the violence for the ring.

Tag champs came down. Goldust's shirt being torn up doesn't quite work. I like Cody in the black and green vest and black and red gear since it fits Christmas. Cody faces Cesaro, which should at least be good. This match came about due to Goldust-Swagger on Main Event at some point. Cole knocked Zeb for using his freedom of speech to make signs. Cesaro's got the best corner punches in the business. Cody once again used Ted Jr's rebound lariat, which works shockingly well for him. Corner schoolboy gets a win for Cesaro. An anticlimactic one, but a win! Rybaxel faces the PTPs. Love seeing Titus and Ryback do big guy stuff. They talked up Titus's college days from eons ago while JBL hyped up Phi Tappa Kegga. The Titus stuff reminds me a bit of Al Bundy, but also Wahoo when they'd say he was from the University of Oklahoma in '88 when he looked no less than 55 years old. They hyped up Batista's return. D-Young won with a reversed O Conner roll that really shouldn't have won since Axel's shoulders popped up at 2.

THE FACE OF WWE gets the hour 1 main event against Dolph. JBL buried Dolph's pink hair, and as he should - he looks stupid! They brought up Dolph losing to Fandango, in case you thought Dolph even had a prayer of winning this. Orton, THE UNIFIED WORLD CHAMPION, teased a walkout spot on a guy who lost a top contender's match for the IC title. More on the pink hair. JBL's long rant about it and him simply not understanding it was something else. Dolph flew through the ropes on a shoulder-to-the-buckle spot and hit his head on the steps. This man is borderline idiotic. Dolph's jumping DDT got 2. Thumb to the eye led to an RKO - nice finish. Orton attacked him by tossing him around ringside. Draping DDT on the floor. Shield promo with Ambrose pimping the Shield's hoodie. Bryan faces Sandow. Good lord does Bryan just seem like a dude here. They did moves. Bryan did the buzzsaw kick, and then got hit with the running knee. Odd to use a KO kick as a setup move, whatever. Awesome Bray promo with him talking on the ramp with a spotlight. Bray's more than just a man - HE'S A GOD! Shield-a-thon begins! Ambrose and Big E start off the series. Bodyblock led to the straps coming down and a quick Big Ending for the win. This was okay, but a bit too short to really make you want to see another match between them. Henry-Reigns is on after the break.

They did some power spots, with Reigns nailing some nice punches between them. JYD headbutts from Henry. Henry avalanche in the corner led to a Reigns Samoan drop after a powerslam was countered. SUPERMAN PUNCH! Spear for the win - this was a good showcase for Reigns. Cena-Rollins starts off with a lot of mat wrestling. They talked up the Cena-Batista Rumble match to hype him up. Tyler Black is main eventing WWE TV against Cena. Yup, still surreal. Rollins wore him down to the point where Cena was on his hands and knees crawling to him. Nice running boot to the head of Cena as it was draped on the apron. Big DDT from Rollins gets 2. Cena reversed a whip forcing Rollins to do the HBK corner flip. Protobomb countered into the corner Flatliner for 2. Protobomb finally hits, as does the fistdrop. AA flipped out of and that leads to a second-rope Blockbuster from Rollins for another 2. Stinger splash misses into the full nelson>neckbreaker from Cena, which should just be a back suplex> neckbreaker since this looks clunky. Rollins avoids the leg slice by knocking Cena off the ropes. Dragon DDT gets 2.5. Cena did a floatover flip into a Batista bomb for 2! Holy shit that ruled. Not sure how wise it is to set up Batista's finisher as only getting 2 on a TV main event though. Cena tried to pull Rollins's legs off the ropes, but he flips up and kicks him for another 2. This match has been better than anything on the last couple of PPVs. STF locked in, but Rollins makes the ropes. It all breaks down with the guys on the floor though, and Cena rolls through a dive to hit the AA for the win. Cena won, but the story here was all about Rollins's rise as a main event player.

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Thursday, December 26, 2013

TNA Impact 12-26-13

The awesome episode of Cops with the guy arguing with a cop and his mom in the cop car before Impact aired again. The in-credits vid showed Hardy's sick bump on the ramp. They had an epic song play for the Magnus-Hardy match, which worked well until they showed Spud's goddamned ridiculous getup. THE MAGNUS ERA OF IMPACT BEGINS NEXT! Unlike last week, they shot this to make it look like the building was packed. Spud came out with a black and grey Tubbs shirt from '88 and a tiger-striped bowtie and the wackiest most British goofball song ever WHILE MARCHING. He introduced her as Santa, Lady Gaga, and Queen Elizabeth - MADAME Dixie Carter. So does that make TNA a whorehouse now? They did a terrible job with the hard camera here - a bright green chair was shown with no one in it right next to Dixie. "Magnus is the top man in Dixieland!" So I guess she's the bottom. Hardy came down looking 45 with a bland grey wifebeater. Spud told him to take his creatures and stick them up his backside. Hardy got pissed and shoved Spud, while EC3 jumped Hardy. Sting came out, and the heels ran. There's way too much going on here. Sting got the crowd alive saying he wants to kick the crap out of EC3. Sting demanded a tag match with he and Hardy against EC3 and Spud. Dixie made the match because she wanted to make it. This felt like it went on for ages.

Dixie tried to make her announcement, but she was interrupted by Gunner. I could do without more talking. Gunner tried to cash in his shot, and Dixie denied him. Well, he's quite the goober. Then Storm came down...TWENTY MINUTES of talking, and none of it has been really good. More #totalnonstoptalking. Storm said that Gunner owed him something. They referenced the bar brawl and barb wire deal, and Storm said that Gunner could've told Roode where he was going to be. Storm wanted the case, and Dixie made the match and told everyone to text and Tweet about. I wouldn't text my worst enemy about this show. They did a staredown. A guy in a Sting shirt is next to a fan dressed as a chair.

TNA RANDOM TAG TEAM #39593 HAS EXPLODED! The Mega Powers got a year-long build, this got...I guess you could say a couple of months, maybe. Taz said that Storm was just bitching and moaning, while Tenay backed up Storm and said that since they're ex-partners, THEY HAVE TO IMPROVISE! Because it's fake. They did moves. Then Tenay just hyped up Dixie's Twitter without a sense of irony. If he's a face, he should at least be sarcastic about it. How good can TNA's second-screen experience be when the first-screen one is barely tolerable at times? Spear to the floor. Some brawling, and it ended via double countout. When was there even a count? The idea behind this was to make you want to see a big match, but this was a fail. Brooke bitched to Bully about him not texting her back. Darth Bully staring in the distance was a nice-looking visual, but this gimmick doesn't seem to be working as well now as it did even a month ago when he was citing Biblical verses.

Magnus did a promo burying his gladiator gimmick and the British Invasion, but put over the Joe team. Magnus buried Hogan. The Aces and 8s beating of him was put over as him seeing he was on the radar. This was easily the best thing on the show. Then Brooke's ass came out in leather pants and with a new theme. Brooke said THAT SHE HASN'T TALKED TO BULLY IN WEEKS. Minus that conversation we just saw, apparently... Biblical Ray came out. A We Want Devon chant broke out. Brooke said she was tired of being his dog...WHY IS BROOKE DOING ALL THE TALKING WITH BULLY IN THE RING!? Brooke said Bully used guys, and she used him. Then she buried, now she's a heel I think. Crowd booed when she said she wasn't his possession. Then Bully said she'd be done when he was done with her. Well, that was a bit wrong. Bully said she was just around a few certain uses, and she wasn't good at them. So once again, her character's just a whore. The wacky game show music hit as he cut a promo about possibly piledriving her. Bully said he could put her head between his legs and piledrive her, but he won't - she just needs to spread his word. Then he told her to leave. This was a trainwreck. Monster's ball is next, BUT FIRST, a wacky graphic with Spud. Park cut a promo about the match being barbaric.

Another Magnus vid focused on 2013 with him getting a big pop in the UK. Magnus said that being in the MEM was a huge deal because it showed that others believed in him, and so he did too. He said that he wasn't brought in to be their equal because they feared him, so he proved himself in the BFG series. Then EC3 and Spud met with Dixie. Dixie cut EC3's nuts off by belittling him. A Park video played up Abyss being his dark side. ABYSS IS IN THE FOREST! Or maybe it's Jerry Jarrett's backyard like Kamala. Al Snow and Big John hit the Abyss theme. It's back to his older theme and not the goofy bell tolling one, which is good - sadly, it hasn't been changed into muzak.

Sting and Hardy had an expository discussion about being up the young punks and Sting saying he always wanted to tag with Hardy. Hardy said he didn't show up to wrestle. Well, then why go to the wrestling TV show as a wrestler? Bad Influence came out, but Daniels' speech at the camera wasn't caught on a mic. Loved Daniels walking around with the crutch before bonking him with it. Park got beaten up some more. Park splashed a trashcan lid onto Kaz. They're doing stuff. More stuff. This is dragging. EY teased punching Park open to help him, but BI took him out. Cane shot missed EY and hit Park. Park took some shots, but they now had no effect. The visual of the fake blood came off better here than usual thanks tot he amount of it and the white shirt. The end of this was good stuff. Tapa-ODB is up. BUT FIRST, Hardy calls his wife teasing something.

More with Magnus. Magnus said the BFG series was his shining moment, except for the loss to AJ. He said that after the loss, he decided to never take a loss like that again. He talked up his win over Sting as showing him that he could be the man. He said he knew what he needed to be to get where he needs to be. Tapa and her awesome theme came out for a match with ODB. Someone here is an octopussy. Tapa looks so nervous out there even just holding Gail's belt. ODB was pushed back, and pushed back with her tits. Taz talked about Gozilla movies and their characters. Who would be Jet Jaguar? Taz then talked about the ref being Dr. Evil while Tenay begged him to pay attention to the wrestling broadcast he's paid money to call. ODB did a couple of hooter splashes in the corner. Flying legdrop from Tapa missed. Nice overhand chops from ODB to Tapa. ODB hootered up and Gail used the belt to distract the ref. TKO got the win for Tapa. Sabin in a blue and white flannel shirt met with Velvet to talk about how great their holiday was. Sabin said his new years resolution was to make sure Velvet did whatever it takes to help him get the belt back. Velvet rejected this and he guilt-tripped her. Sabin as the teenage douche rules. Hardy and Sting said words that were hard to hear due to music playing - I think their match is next.

One Night Only Tag Team PPV was hyped. Magnus said that Dixie saw something in him before anyone else because she flipped through a mag with AJ. Magnus said that he had to fight through Dixie's regime in the match - not Hardy. After these things, Magnus actually feels like the world champion. They showed Hardy meeting with a disabled fan in the front row. That was a sweet little moment. Hardy's got white and blue paint on with a black and purple top. EC3 goes from being in the ring with Shark Boy and Curry Man to being in there with Hardy and Sting. Spud's out with his coat and goofy bowtie with silly tights on it. Dixie's big announcement was a ceremony for Magnus next week. Dixie also said it's a tag match main event - but will now include the BroMans on the heel side. Spud's actually working in the bowtie. At least he's going full-boar with this deal. Spud looked so tiny in there with every guy in this - it was great. Taz said he wanted a last name and Carter works for him - TC3 baby! Sting was the base for Hardy's dive to the floor, which surprised me. Hardy was pulled onto the apron and took a nasty bump for the ad break.

3-on-1 beating on Hardy. Loved Taz saying Spud either stole his sister's pants or he's dressing like an '80s version of Motley Crue. Jesse locked on a nice half-crab, and after more beatings, he got a 2 count. EC3 yelled then did a giant Stinger splash that Hardy avoided. Sting got a hot tag and did the backhand punch and punches to guys. Then Spud jumped on him and he still kicked ass. Stinger splash on the BroMans, but EC3 snuck in and cradled him for a pin holding the tights. EC3 and Sting have pretty good chemistry - this match overdelivered. Hardy told Sting he was sorry - Sting's the reason he got in the business. I like the giant CROW STING belt a fan's got in the crowd. Hardy said that Dixie's taken his heart out of the business, and he needs his heart. He's sick of the politics. Big Hardy chant. Sting told him to not say what he thinks he's going to say. Hardy said that the fight's gone - it was his last match in TNA. HE WILL LEAVE AND NOT RETURN UNTIL THE SUN SETS ON THIS DARK KINGDOM. He loves his creatures. This was a good way to explain him being off the UK tour, but if someone was to believe it, it also comes off as them saving more money by cutting talent - something that's become quite clear over the past few months.

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Monday, December 23, 2013

Raw 12-23-13 - Raw X-Mas

The WWE then, now, forever things seems to have the WWE Network logo towards the end of it. Henry and Sandow cut dueling promos - Sandow's THE WORLD'S SMARTEST SANTA! I love their rhyming poems with past gimmicks - IRS getting a mention was funny. The Raw Christmas set is nice. Cole rhyming on commentary is pretty stupid. KANE, STEPH, AND HHH HAVE SANTA HATS! Kane's handing out candy canes. I'm digging Hunter saying they love supporting soup sending superstars there. This seems like a bizarre way to put over charity work - burying it by saying they force people to do them. Steph's boo and yay with the Santa reveals was funny. Now, are they heels or faces? Because EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS has been babyface-ish except for the soup kitchen bit. The SD 6-man that was taken off that show will be on this one. The Shield also faces Big E, Punk, and Cena! Orton interrupted the really now, are they faces and Orton's the heel? Orton gave HHH and Steph the credit for his title win - so he really doesn't matter in this whole thing. Orton bought them A GIFT THAT COMES WRAPPED IN A GOLDEN BOW - himself! Then Mr. Kane said a rhyme and hit his pyro - complete with Santa hat. Jingle Belles match is next.

This should've been the 12-divas of Christmas match. It's the Total Divas vs. the True Divas. AJ's Merry Grinchmas shirt rules - it's so nice to see someone not just wear their WWE shirt. It's amazing how such a little touch can give a character some credibility. Eva did a hair pull and tagged out. Tehy're doing one move and just leaving. AJ's burying this. Cole confused Summer Rae for Rosa, which AJ buried him for. A fan held up a giant green ODB sign. Vickie gored Brie's butt with the antlers. AJ said Aksana was a festive fruit-roll up. REVERSE FINAL CUT from Aksana - so she's been checking out her Kana MVs on Youtube. Now they're doing do-see-do double and triple team offense...this looks goddamned ridiculous and is getting more boos with each person they add to it. AJ buried it. Nattie made Aksana tap. This was a thing saved by AJ.

WWE had a did you know graphic about Santa! Cole talked about how WWE Superstars travel more than Santa SO YOU SHOULD LOVE WWE MORE. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE WWE MORE!? Hunicara cut a terrible promo in English - you can barely hear him in this mask. JBL talked about this looking like a different Sin Cara while Cole talked about the history of the original. This is a bizarre mix of reality and fake bullshit. Crowd gave no fucks about this while Axel was on offense. Sin Cara hit Layla's wacky flip cradle for a 2 and Cole talked about JBL winning a title as a masked guy in Mexico, so he shouldn't knock Sin Cara for wearing a mask. JBL said he won it from Mil Mascaras. You could now hear every BORING yell. JBL buried children for not having jobs. Nice springboard clothesline into almost an Anaconda Vise cover there. "Sin Cara's like a new man". Sin Cara went for the Magnus-style Angle slam/Samoan drop thing, but Axel countered into the northern lariat, then hit the move. Swanton bomb got the win. Sin Cara got a pop for the win. It's bizarre that they're pushing the character like this when if they'd pushed the original, he'd have been happier and wouldn't have wanted to leave and they wouldn't have had to recast it...again. Nice Shield handicap match recap from SD. Big E's save on Punk was put over huge. It's weird that the IC Champ feels like a big deal, but his title doesn't. They re-aired the Sandow bad Santa skit from last week.

A TREMENDOUS BIG DAVE BATISTA HYPE VID aired. He'll be back on January 20th. Bad News Barrett impersonated a Salvation Army worker to get donations. Recap of the Bryan-Wyatts feud. They showed Bryan getting medical attention after SD. Goldust wore his shirt with his gear AND IT LOOKS AMAZING. That gold flame design should just be part of his gear. Rowan and Goldust continued to have great chemistry - Rowan might get good working with him regularly. If they could make something main event-level out of Reigns in around a year, they can get something out of Rowan. JBL did the same source burial bit from SD. Bryan has no tape on his ribs or shoulder, or anything despite the idea that he's selling a vile beating from SD that kept him out of action. They've done that before with Bryan, and it hurts him and the company. They teased Bryan getting his hands on Bray after the break. Goldust and Harper had a great exchange a few minutes after they returned. GOLDIERANA. ALL OF THE SUPERSTARS ARE POSTING HOLIDAY TOUTS. Because they're forced to. WWE's so fun! Cole and JBL buried Tony Rome for missing time WHILE DANIEL BRYAN'S ABLE TO SURVIVE A BEATING ON SD AND BE BACK NOW!

Clawhold from Rowan got 2. JBL put over THE BARON. Goldust hit Code Red for the hot tag. Bryan kicked the hell out of Rowan for a good minute, with JBL saying he was now playing the part of an Everlast kick bag. Rowan's bodyblock prevented Bryan from attacking Bray. Cody got the tag and hit the flying knee after the missile dropkick. BRYAN HIT THE MISSILE DROPKICK ONTO BRAY and the dive! Nice mounted punches too. Flying somersault senton saved Bryan from a beating from Rowan. Bray got a blind tag and beat Cody with Sister Abigail - the move, not the rocking chair. Harper hit the big lariat to Goldust. The Wyatts threatened a beating, their deal hit, and they teleported to the chair.

Good Santa skit re-aired. They showed some MLB guys getting WWE Title replicas. Singing contest is up. A guy held up his grandkid, sadly with a bar carcode on his Santa hat. Truth is not singing well, and Woods isn't exactly great. Jinder and Drew sang much worse. JBL begged them to hire Jillian for this. And then Santino and Khali sang. FALALALALAHALALALALALA. The reindeer on the cobra is a nice touch. Little things like comedy props being seasonal, they care about - guys selling injuries with bandages, not so much. The 4 faces took out 2 heels. Dolph faces Fandango in the new endless feud match - it'll be a pole match.

JBL referenced Summer Rae taking up North Pole Dancing. And oh yeah, Maddix is the GM and made this match. Winner gets an IC title shot. Dolph took a bump off the pole onto the steps to the floor - it sounds worse than it looked. Fandango grabbed Dolph's ass to try and climb the pole. Fandango got crotched, but recovered and throw Dolph back off onto the steps in a sick bump. Fandandgo gets his shot next week. Dolph is beneath the IC Title. Good lord. Hire Heroes ad. They should have WWE write the whole thing, because the stat of "creating two jobs per day" doesn't sound good. "HIRE HEROES CREATES NEARLY 800 JOBS PER YEAR" sounds much better.

Statue of Liberty facts. Great bit with DYoung forgetting the name of the town, so Titus cut the rest of the promo. They want a win...and are facing another babyface team in the Usos here. Odd. I like the DANGG USO CRAZY sign. Usos are now working in shirts, which is smart - they're great shirts and hide their bellies. Big THIS IS AUSTIN chant. JBL referenced Rand-McNally. The Uso put an armbar on D-Young and knocked him for saying Houston - poor D-Young, but it's making this match more memorable. One Uso put a Rudolph nose on for the Superfly dive and beat D-Young. This was a super-fun match. Titus dragged D-Young's body vertical and they all did the Millions of Dollars dance. TIME FOR THE REAL MAIN EVENT OF SANTA VS. SANTA. Love the tale of the tape.

Rock's drawing as a movie star was covered, and Cole put over an interview - leading to JBL burying him for name-dropping. Good Santa did the hook 'em horns sign. Xbox One sponsored this, which explains Santa wanting one in the tale of the tape. Sandow's bad Santa theme song rules - it's got thunder in it. Good Santa had a gift... a toilet. They did a Mr. Swirly without water. Singapore candy cane. Remember when that was a terrifying prop in the world, and in wrestling? Good Santa kept using the fire extinguisher, and he won with the WSS - now it's the Sleigh Ride. Good Santa ate some cupcakes, and dunked the rest into Bad Santa's face. "WE GOT MORE RAW COMING!" led to "I'm sick" from JBL.  Punk cut a wacky babyface promo saying he's usually a loner, but he needed Santa's help and got it! Cena's great at being super-silly here. THIS RULED!

Zeb talked more about Santa being an illegal immigrant. Sadly, he did not have visual aids this time. Zeb's got a Christmas-colored shirt and tie combo on. Swagger looks odd in a giant shirt that's too long for the jacket. THEIR FEUD WITH THE MATADORES RESUMES! Which means the Matadores are back on TV! The bull is in white, with white lights on his tail and horns. Again, THIS they go through great lengths about - but not guys selling injuries. Epico's rana was countered into the big swing. Matadores did the old switcheroo. So it's okay to cheat as long as it's an old bit. Swagger...almost kinda sorta sold a shitty double headscissors spot that didn't touch him. Epico did Henry's back avalanche against the ropes.  Torito gored Cesaro's nuts and one of the bull fighters won with a flying crossbody off the top. What a bunch of cheaters! Re-airing of that Cena-Shield vid.

Kofi in his stupid yellow and green gear, and blue and yellow head band, came out to lose to Ryback. BATISTA HYPE VID! Good lord does he do everything Ryback does but better. Kofi hit the big Sin Cara flip dive onto Ryback on the floor. Giant Goldberg chant. HBK's up for a Golden Moose award for his show. Delayed suplex got 2. There's just nothing to this match. Batista tweeted, and Ryback did a slow-mo double axehandle that got countered with feet to the face. Kofi hit the Christian fulcrum kick, and the crossbody. RYBACK IS BEING JOBBED OUT TO KOFI KINGSTON. Good lord - to think this man once seemed like a viable opponent for Goldberg at WM, or a WWE Title contender. Meathook saved Ryback and led to the Shellshock.

Another JBL equipment ad knocking Beats in what seems like the audio equivalent of the SNES-Genesis wars. Troops vid aired. Cole put it over as Vince's 11th trip overseas to see troops. Barrett and his money gimmick were out at his podium. THE MONEY IS COMING HOME WITH HIM! At the very least, Good Santa should've come out and given the fans at ringside the money. Shield cut a pretty good promo on the main event. Rollins has gotten quite good on the mic. Reigns sounds so intimidating - I wonder if Batista's return is being done in part to have him team with Reigns or face him so they can have him say he excelled after leaving a group, and so can Reigns. 

Big Show...dressed as Baby New Year in a diaper... THIS MAN DIDN'T DRAW ON PPV!? Cole buried that idiocy. Someone named Plonsky apparently hates DP and Nachos. Okay. Cena and Big E did a wacky sign, and they put him over as THE man here. Great bit with Cena doing his pose while a "sarcastic fans REALLY like Cena" sign was behind him. JBL put the Shield over as having the best rookie year of any group in history. Well, that's easily true. They haven't drawn as much as the Freebirds did in their day, but are sure as shit better workers and promos than the NWO was. Some solid action before a break between Cena and Ambrose. They brought up Cena losing to Rock, then regaining it to how he lost to Orton and could regain it again.

Nice snap suplex on the floor from Ambrose to Punk. Punk played Ricky Morton here taking abuse from everyone. Front facelock from Ambrose led to Cena telling the ref to check and see if it was a choke - great little touch there from Cena. Punk fought back with forearms and chops...on a guy wearing a vest. This didn't work well, and he got locked in a bearhug. Nice intense side belly to belly - he's got the intensity that Ryback needed for his push. Ambrose prevented a tag to Cena, who was jumped by Reigns as well. High kick from Punk led to both he and Ambrose falling on their asses to sell. Big E and Rollins were in and Big E destroyed him. E, like Reigns and Goldberg, is explosive and that helps him a lot. Big splash to Ambrose and Rollins, but Ambrose tagged in and nearly got hit with the Big Ending. Cena saved E from a loss and ate a spear from Reigns to avoid an AA. Punk's flying clothesline took Reigns out. Big Ending to Ambrose finally hit, but the other Shield guys caused a DQ by attacking him. Well, that's not quite as good as giving him the big win, but not much worse - he looked strong. AA and GTS hit and the faces stood tall. All three faces got their themes played at the end. Super-fun show.

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Friday, December 20, 2013

WWE SD 12-20-13

Show opened with a Raw recap, focusing on Orton destroying Bryan's arm and then Orton cheapshotting him to avoid losing. Cena coming to save Bryan was a bit too reminiscent of Hogan coming to save Bret at WM IX, although obviously far less damaging and ego-driven. I like how Orton carries both belts, but he really comes off as maybe the #3 guy in the company - the year+ in the mid-card really hurt him. Orton said he's the Champion of Champions (TM) and he JUST DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN! Cena came down to take offense and said Orton's acting like a damned fool, and Orton now holds the richest prize in WWE. AND IF YA DON'T WANNA BE THE CHAMP, THEN GET THA HELL OUT! Cena asked if Orton wanted to be remembered for his legacy, or by BEING A COWARD. Dem's fighting words. Oh, and since they didn't announce it on Raw (it was only the main event), Cena said that Bryan won via DQ. Bryan came out to continue the parade of dudes saying words. "NOW THINGS ARE GETTING REALLY INTERESTING!" - I beg to differ, Cole. Bryan brought back his YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME line at Orton. Bryan, WHO BEAT ORTON ON MONDAY, just said that he'd be fine waiting for Cena to give him a fair rematch. Pussy. Shield came down...Reigns debuted a grey shirt under the SWAT vest. Punk came down. I'm sensing a holla holla six-man tag here. PUNK AND BRYAN REUNITE after a few week absence as a team. Vickie made it. Brothers Rhodes-Wyatts graphic looked odd with Christmas lights all over it.

Good vs. Bad Santa was hyped up. Zeb held up a Deport Santa Claus sign, leading to JBL examining the logic behind it since  he doesn't have clearance to fly all over...and then Cole said that Santa wasn't real. Recap of Big E taking out Cesaro on Raw in a tag match. It's Big E vs. Swagger. Zeb was on commentary with a sign saying he's a real immigrant. Zeb said he couldn't tell the difference between Santa Clara and Santa Claus. Cole asked where Zeb's family came from, which JBL quickly shifted away from beyond saying MEMPHIS! Crowd is so dead for this match. MARK HENRY LOOKS TO SAVE CHRISTMAS FOR ALL OF US. Cole sounds so ridiculous saying this stuff. JBL said that Cole is in and out of reality here, which is quite true. Bodyblock>Big Ending win. It's impossible to believe that Swagger was ever a world champion, or even back in that mix a year ago. Tamina faces someone next.

Tamina's facing all 90 pounds of Brie Bella. Cole hyped up that AJ could be the longest-reigning Divas champion ever. Quite the accomplishment for a title that's been around for five years. Loved her saying that if you watched Raw back, you could pinpoint where Nikki forgot math due to Tamina's kick. Brie got into BRIE MODE and hit the running knee against the rope. Tamina hit the superkick and got two. Superfly dive was met with knees to the gut and a shitty cradle for the win. Austin's cradle on Owen looked more credible. Another graphic for the Rhodes Bros.-Wyatts and more hype for the Santa match.

TLC WAS MORE SOCIALLY-ACTIVE THAN SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! Hunicara came out - they've now reshot all of the tron shots with him in it. JBL said that Zeb was launching an investigation on Cara since he's illegal - Cole said that if he's working for WWE, he's here legally. That at least shut JBL up. Hunico's just not very good at flying - everything he does that tries to emulate the original looks awkward, and he's always adjusting his tights to cover his apendectomy scar. JBL said IT'S LIKE WE GOT A NEW SIN CARA! HE'S DEFINITELY IMPROVED! WWE Magazine Awards issue is out...right after the Slammys.

Sweet T got a theme to face Brodus - Brodus's. I love T busting out corner headbutts and better-than-Nash elbows. Senton missed, and Cole said that Brodus would buy Tensai a tracksuit that said "I'm standing next to the main event playa." Big Splash from Brodus got 2. JBL said that Brodus wasn't a main event player, and then said that he should aim high. Tensai won with something after getting distracted by Woods and the chicks. Xavier and T did the Steiner Bros. pose. "Thanks for coming, Brodus Clay." They really might as well fire the guy, because there's nowhere to go with him after this.

They bragged about the Rock being the #1 grossing movie star. That is quite a coup for him - shame they even he couldn't help WWE as much as they needed. Rhodes Bros.-Wyatts is up. Goldust and Rowan had a weirdo staredown, which ruled. Goldust won that via uppercut. JBL compared Rowan and Harper to Brody and Hansen. Cole tried to get #thebrotherhood over as a name for the Rhodes Bros since it's on their new merch. Cody busted out Ted Jr's fakeout lariat off the ropes. Rowan's gotten a lot better - he's not doing anything advanced, but sticking to really simple punches, headbutts, and clubbing shots.  Harper hit a nice European uppercut, and Cole explained his backstory - HE WAS A TRUCK DRIVER who was possibly kidnapped by the Wyatts. Goldust missed the crossbody and took a giant side-rolling bump to the floor for it. Gator roll returned from the break, and they showed Rowan doing a noogie version of the head crush to Goldust on the app. Godlust was a tremendous face in peril, although the elbow that saved him briefly didn't look all that good. CROSS RHODES ON HARPER gives him some hope. Cody hit a flying knee that looked terrible. SOMERSAULT FLIP DIVE OFF THE APRON from Goldust! Harper measured the discus lariat and won. So yet another team beats the tag champs - this is great build to a 4-way...shame they just did one on the last PPV. Bray was going to attack, but Bryan made the save - with a chair. The whole brainwashing bit is already over - so we didn't even get one skit out of that tease. Miz came off so fake talking about troops in a Hire Heroes video.

Sandow cut a promo against Santa and about adults asking for things they don't need, and kids asking for stuff they haven't earned. Sandow changed up 'You're Welcome" to "you are all..." so AWESOME could hit. Then he cut a generic really, really, really face promo. He celebrates Christmas, and loves Santa - HE WAS ON MAIN EVENT WITH HIM. Sandow couldn't even carry Santa's sack...okay, that was a good line. Miz kicked the knee, hit the figure four for the first time in ages, but it was broken up due to a rope break. Schoolboy finish. This was something. Fandango and SUMMER RAE IN A FLESH-COLORED DRESS danced - he'll face Kofi next.

WWE offers events for free to military members - DON'T FORGET ABOUT HOW GREAT AND GIVING WWE IS! THE WWE 50 YEAR HISTORY DVD IS A GREAT STOCKING STUFFER TOO! WWE does an amazing job putting their older footage in HD - their cropping is masterful. Odd to see them use a clip of Taker out of character on their TV show. It also said he was a Superstar from 1984 to now, which makes him seem even older than he is - and doesn't fit the WWE timeline for the character. Fandango got some new moves. Kofi got no intro. Cole said that the main event was next, and credited the match to the Authority. Why? Vickie made the match. Kofi hit a big running dropkick, but he wound up with his legs hanging outside the ropes leaving him trapped for the flying legdrop for the win. That was a great little way to mix things up for the finisher. Renee tried to interview Bryan, but the Wyatts...darkened the area and beat him up. They shoved Bryan off the back area into a crash pad while Wyatt sang about falling. So now the main event lacks its glue - BOO!

Shield got jobber intros. CM Punk came out and declared clobberin time - so he's not a really good friend. Cena came out and a fan held up a SIMBA SAVE US sign. Vickie said the show had to go on, so it was now a 2-on-3 handicap match. Love Seth doing the YES bit to that. They begged to get #handicapmatch trending. They said Bryan was found backstage, and is being tended to by WWE's doctors. So all of that drama was good for a whole 10 minutes. They did some moves before a break. Cena's the face in peril after the break. Cole said if there's no update by the end of the show on Bryan, CHECK OUT WWE.COM! Cole teased the implosion of the Shield. JBL buried Cole for quoting himself as a source for that story. Ambrose locked on a crossface chickenwing to Cena. TWITTER IS BLOWING UP WITH #handicapmatch. Superman punch takes down Cena. Straight-up action movie freeze frame for that - made Reigns look like a badass.

Cole called Seth underrated, leading to JBL breaking his balls some more. JBL said Cole should work for the NY Times, and Cole said he'd love to. Is anyone in WWE happy with their job other than JBL and maybe Miz? Cena hit a tornado DDT to escape the wrath of Rollins, and bust out something new! Wacky diving tag to Punk. Cena's broad body movements haven't really changed since OVW, where it at least made some sense to play to the back row and on TV with standard-def cameras on a low-end show. Shining wizard>shortarm clothesline hit and led to the flying elbow. DDT>neckbreaker combo on Rollins and Ambrose. Nova to send a legal letter on Monday. The 3-on-2 handicap match broke down...into an unfair match, so the ref stopped it. Spear to Cena. Punk's now getting ganged up on. Triple powerbomb to Cena, who could not overcome these odds. Reigns locked on a D'Arce choke to Punk to trap him - that should be his secondary face finisher. BIG E CAME DOWN AND WHOOPED ALL KINDS OF ASS! It's a shame this was done on Raw, because it would've been a star-making deal. Reigns and Big E teased something, but when Punk got a chair, the Shield left. This was a fun match and a great ending - hopefully they build to that in the future.

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Thursday, December 19, 2013

TNA Impact 12-19-13 - Final Resolution

IMPACT'S FINAL RESOLUTION IS NEXT! Sure sounds like a series finale. TONIGHT, HELL IS DIXIELAND! And it's Feast or Fired reveal night. Magnus and his receding hairline met with a guy who told him that Hardy and Dixie hadn't come in yet. Magnus says words about loving the business while an old lady in the crowd nods in agreement. Magnus all but renounced being British to get a cheap pop. He said that moving to America had some challenges, but he learned that money talks. It isn't about the five-star hotels or women for him - IT'S ABOUT HONOR and respect. A guy yelled about loving steak. Love Magnus saying that the same can't be said about Hardy since it planted seeds of doubt and led to a big Hardy chant. He congratulated Hardy for slaying his demons, but perhaps there's one demon creeping back in - greed. HE WAS FILMED HAVING DRINKS WITH DIXIE. Wouldn't that be two demons?

HoThe new Impact Zone looks good, but there's way too much all-black in it. Hardy's out in his jeans/tanktop combo - which may or may not be his street attire or ring gear. Magnus said that tonight was the biggest night of his life, so he wouldn't allow Hardy to fuck it up for him. He didn't forget 10-10-10. I thought he might go with the pilled up Sting match. Hardy said it was a different time, while Magnus said it wasn't a different place - still a wrestling ring. This is sound logic - shame they're doing it tonight instead of the week before. Side-by-side, Hardy and Magnus look about the same age, which isn't good for Magnus. Hardy yelled at Magnus to NOT WORRY ABOUT MY LIFE. Hardy is a terrible actor. Angle cut a promo with Hemme about still having it and beating Roode twice tonight to show it's only the beginning for him. Nice feud recap vid. And Angle-Roode is the opener. So good luck to every single thing else on this show. Why not use this as the hour one main event?

JB was backstage with...a door. Chavo said he has a 75% chance of getting a title shot, while Ion has a 25% chance of being fired. Chavo dared insult Ion for being entertaining. Roode got a jobber intro. Some basic wrestling to start. Rolling Germans about two minutes in. Angle slam into an arm drag. Roode distracted the ref and kicked Angle right in the balls to hit a death valley driver for a quick win. Fall 1 was like a video game match with finishers turned on by default, but fun. Big Flair-style kneedrop missed, leading to an OH SHIT going unmuted. Roode's crossface was rolled through into an Angle slam for a win. Fall three is already upon us. Crossface is locked on, but the move is countered into a cradle for two. Backslide's countered into another crossface. Angle slam countered into a Divorce Court, and yet another crossface. This is like the worst of Angle doing a thousand Angle slams and ankle locks in a match. Angle turned things into the ankle lock. Angle turns that into a...thing called a crossface that looks more like a side headlock. DVD attempt is turned into an Angle slam for two. Ankle lock's back on, turned into a rollup using the ropes to get the win. Well, that was a tad underwhelming - still pretty good stuff though. JB's back by that door and I bet the other two dudes talk here. Gunner justified attacking Storm because Storm would've done the same thing - Storm said we'll see if his gamble pays off. Both of these guys are assholes.

Recap of Roode-Angle. Angle cut a promo backstage that was shot in the worst way possible. Look up at him, it looks like he's got man-boobs now and his face looks dreadful. Gail-Madison recap vid. They talked about Gail causing issues, but didn't show why. JB AND THAT FUCKING MUSTARD YELLOW DOOR talked with EC3 in a swank grey and purple suit with matching tie. EC3's ringtone is his theme. Dixie can't do anything to guarantee that his case won't fire him because the law firm of Smith and Stone sealed them. EC3's suit is buys. I guarantee it. EY DROPPED A MIND GRENADE, and showed a gift no one would ever spot - a chair with terrible wrapping. They came back and Tenay's terrible VO brought about a Joseph Park-EY history video. They did a side-by-side splice in showing Park as Abyss. Taz mocked Park for being a fake attorney. Tenay said that SIGNS ARE POINTING to Park being Abyss. EY asked the crowd to say that YOU ARE ABYSS. Park said that Eric's a friend, but that he is JOSEPH PARK! EY said as a scientist, it's time to use science - bled led to Abyss showing up. EY's got a two-part science experiment - one part involves Park having a handicap match against Bad Influence in a Monster's Ball. Park said it's not his match, it's his brother's. Park is so lucky he didn't gig poorly, because he actually looks this part pretty well. Park said he uses steel chairs as an attorney. JOSEPH PARK USES STEEL FOLDING CHAIRS AS AN ATTORNEY!? A BAG OF TACKS was the second gift. EY is carrying this by being wacky, and Park's doing his job making wacky faces. The barb wire didn't do anything for him either, so he didn't want to do the handicap match. Taz begged for this to be over. Park pulled Janice out, leading to a Janice chant, and Taz calling it Abyss's main toy. I HATE WEAPONS BEING CALLED TOYS, but this ruled. Stupid game show music played while the case guys to a basic table in what would appear to be any dentist's office in America. The low-budget vibe for this isn't helping - they should've just done this on the stage so it would at least look good - I get why they wouldn't due to spoilers, but still.

GOOD GOD MORE RECAPS, now for Magnus-Hardy at the start. Joe and Hardy had a conversation next to the same picnic chair that Magnus was next to last week. Stupid game show music means it's time for the FoF case reveals. This is the hour one main event. The law firm knows the contents of the couldn't Dixie just pay them off to find out what was in EC3's case? I GOT X GUYS! I GOT X! Tremendous. Gunner acted like a jerk getting the world title shot case. FINALLY, SOMETHING I DESERVE...based on what? Chavo said that this case could change things, but it wouldn't change him being a Guerrero. GOOD GOD FIRE THIS MAN! Sting came in and said that EC3's legacy was on the line, and that the term legacy being used for EC3 makes him sick. Sting asked Chavo a question - please never do that again, because it led to him talking more. Sting said that he'd take the case off of EC3 if EC3 would face him just one time. Sting's cutting a great promo that is being ruined by this goddamned music. EC3 got the tag title shot, while Sting consoled Chavo for being fired. They panned to Chavo at the end, so I have a feeling he'll be back - hopefully playing a guy in a coma.

Magnus said that he was focused on the title. Gail and Tapa came out for a KOs tag with Rayne and ODB. Taz said it was sad that Chavo's great TNA career was over. Yup. He was in the Slammiversary tag a year or so ago. ODB came down and Rayne came out looking as hot as ever. Madison's purple '60s Batigirl mini-skirt works for her. They plugged Glory kickboxing by having Taz say he watches it every week. Isn't that impossible since it's not weekly? Taz called Gail a Porsche, and ODB's a '72 Ford Fairlane. Big running dropkick from Gail to ODB's shoulder. Train Wreck from Tapa. Loved Taz saying Tapa's really tall - she's even taller than him! Tenay said that Hardy took a bribe before. Some nice ass shots here with Gail and Madison. Eat Defeat countered into a backslide for a win from Rayne. Countdown to Glory hype. Sting talked to Hardy about being second-guessed in the past, so he knows what he's going through. It's 10:21 and the Dixieland match is NEXT! This sure is one match-lean "PPV-quality" show.

Park-Bad Influence graphic led to an Impact 365 video with Dixie and Spud. Why doesn't Dixie just use one of those super-expensive replicas since she's a gazillionaire? Dixie told him to spare no expense at having a belt made in a week. That led to them showing the belt hanging high on the ramp, and a tourney recap video to kill more time. Hardy-Sabin was easily the highlight of this whole thing. Hardy's stupid theme is easily his worst ever - every other theme was at least somewhat enjoyable to listen to in some way. Hardy's black and blue gear looks sweet. Hardy's gauges actually match his gear - nice touch. Hardy cut a promo about Magnus citing what he did three years ago - and it was nice for a while, but it ended at Victory Road 2011...I guess that was the time he was pilled out of his mind. Hardy was really defensive here, and then said he thought about his wife, daughter, and why he loves wrestling. TNA can lose anyone, but they cannot lose Hardy for their own good. He's still the biggest star in the company. God bless Jeff, but saying words is not his specialty in either promo or song form. Now he's just yelling about money, and gets interrupted by Dixie's theme. YAY! The filler on this show is becoming almost SD-level. Dixie said that Hardy's similar to AJ in that everything they have, they owe to me. AJ, sure, but Hardy...fuck no. I do like her saying that she stood by him, not the fans. Dixie plugged his merch gloriously saying that they sell his music and artwork. After all of this, at 10:34, they went to an ad break.

At 10:40, Magnus made his intro. TWENTY MINUTES AFTER SAYING THE MATCH WAS NEXT, the main event started. I like Magnus's gear modifying the MEM logo on the back. JB explained Dixieland fairly simply, which was impressive. THIS IS DIXIELAND! Flying headscissors takes out Magnus, who takes Hardy down with a Meat Hook. Flying elbow off the top missed and they did a double down spot two minutes in. Swanton off the top rope misses. EC3 is out in his gear to "support Aunt D". Back suplex off the top rope led to another double down spot for an ad break. Hardy tried to leave the cage through the camera hole. Inverted atomic drop led to the double legdrop to the nuts. Flying forearm from Hardy. VADER BOMB OFF THE TOP USING THE CAGE. Nice move there - finally, something exciting in this. Twisto Stunner hit, but a second one being attempted led to a knee clip from Magnus. King's Lynn Cloverleaf is locked on, which gives Magnus a chance to climb. Powerslam into the Northern Lights Bomb hits from Magnus and lets him hit the big elbow. Whisper in the Wind "hits". Both guys are down.

WHISPER IN THE WIND OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE...why!? Both guys left the cage at the same time. For some reason, Hardy didn't decide to leap on the side closest to the ladder. EC3 attempted to take Magnus down, but was kicked off. EC3 teased his finisher on the steps, but Hardy hit the Stunner Twisto on him ON THE FLOOR. Yikes. Nice body blow>uppercut combo from Magnus on the floor. Back bump Twist on the ramp to Magnus. Dixie prevented Hardy from climbing, so he roared. Spud in an even more ridiculous outfit (neon pink shirt, neon yellow bow tie) knocked him off the ladder onto the ramp. Magnus climbed and grabbed the belt. He cried holding the title - good for him. Seeing his career from the beginning in TNA, it's amazing to see him rise to this level. Magnus held the belt high and actually didn't hold it upside-down. Good stuff here.

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Monday, December 16, 2013

Raw 12-16-13

It's the night after the latest biggest night ever in WWE HISTORY! The opening promo from last night made for fine opening video fodder. Great shot of Orton holding up both belts - shame the WHC was upside-down. The entire roster was on the ramp while the Authority was in the ring. Xavier and Brodus are just totally fine with each other. WWE'S RICH HISTORY COLLIDED WITH ITS BRIGHT FUTURE last night. Bryan and Cena glared at Orton in front of everyone, so I'm leaning towards a 3-way at the Rumble. HHH looked at him in the ring. I wonder if he still thinks Orton's just holding them for him. Orton blathered on. It's impossible to think the promo's only been going on for five minutes. HHH and Steph looked pissed when he said he was the most powerful person in the ring. Then Cena called him an idiot. Shocked he didn't say he was a doodoo head.

Cena then rattled off Orton's usual promo, pointing out that he's boring, and then congratulated Orton on winning. Cena said that Orton should put up or shut up, and that he would've given one man a fair shot if he won. He demanded that Bryan get a shot tonight. Kinda tepid Yes chant for all this. Steph said Orton had to listen to them, then Orton responded...not looking at her. This promo seems odd with him not looking at Stephanie. HHH said Bryan didn't deserve a shot yet. Bryan's wacky face when they said he won the Superstar of the Year Slammy made this worthwhile. It's now the CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS era. So for the second time in about two weeks, we get Orton-Bryan on free TV with no real build. Four people spoke here - none were Bryan. Goldust and Cody face two guys voted on via a site poll next...well, that's sure sudden.

WWE TLC WAS MORE SOCIALLY-ACTIVE THAN ANYTHING ON TV. Rey and Show face the tag champs. Rey's sliding splash underneath the bottom rope to the floor was great. His new gear tonight looks awesome. Cole said he agreed with the Authority, while King said he agreed with Orton - he should have a night off. Why have face announcers if they're siding with heels? They came back and buried the ASL guy from Mandela's funeral, and Cole buried Obama for the selfie. Instead of calling the match, they took more selfies. Boy howdy, these are some important tag titles. King and Cole buried the app tutorial. Big Show missed a second-rope elbow. Show shouldn't be doing that move period if he's hurting, let alone missing it. Goldust run wild on Show and looks like he's maybe 240 pounds now. REY AND SHOW WON...and it was a non-title match. So now the champs have lost to every team they faced last night. They helped Goldust up after the KO punch and showed him bonking his head on the map. DOWNLOAD THE APP! You can choose Punk's partners - Usos, PTPs, OR THE MATADORS! I almost want the Matadores to win so he can just gawk at the bull.

A wacky Christmas Raw video aired. It may be Sandow-Henry next week. BAD NEWS BARRETT and his TNA-level prop said stuff. People who go to WWE events live are miserable people who live in shacks? Is that really a wise thing to say on TV? And you can buy your own replica Slammy on the WWE Auction site. Orton stormed into a discussion between Steph, HHH, and Mister Kane and told him that while he had a match, so did Bryan, and Bryan was beaten down by the Wyatts. And Steph said that Orton had to face double the competition now. Really? Summer Rae came out in a hot dress leading to Fandango slowly unbuttoning his shirt. OH GOODIE, WE GET A REMATCH! Dolph apparently cut a promo on the app about being embarrassed to lose to Fandango and needing to get back on track. The old guy in an orange shirt grabbing Dolph's flying shirt ruled. They did moves. JBL buried Cole and King for taking a selfie, DESPITE MUGGING FOR IT HIMSELF. Dolph won with a fluke rollup. "Big win for Ziggler" from Cole. World's Strongest Team is in action next. An ad for WWEShop with a Randy Orton monster truck (no Hogan or Show ones?), and a SHEAMUS ORNAMENT. This ad just shows how stupid a lot of WWE merch is.

Bigg Hoss and Toni came out for a match with the WST. Henry came out and they showed a husky fan in a Bryan shirt with a giant Bryan-esque beard. Nice leapfrop from Big E. "GREAT ATHLETABILITY". Swagger came in and got a big OU Sucks chant. Cole mentioned "what is now called Snapchat". Henry drops his ass on another man...THAT'S WHAT I DO! Brodus and Luke Harper's twitter feed is bizarre. Big Ultimate Warrior press slam by E. King referenced Mr. Ed in nearly 2014. Swagger did Roman's roar on the outside before a break. CESARO LIFT on Big E. Not the biggest lift, but still cool. Big E was held down by Swagger, leading to a huge HENRY chant. This match is overdelivering. TREMENDOUS DOUBLE STOMP to prevent a tag from Big E to Henry - odd angle too. Some POUND AND GROUND offense, while Cole quickly changed. They teased and teased a tag from Big E, and for the first time in ages, the hot tag was actually hot. Big E bodyblock prevented the Swing, and the Big Ending got the win. Well, that was easily Big E's best match yet. 

Sandow was an evil Santa with AJ and Tamina as his helpers...for some reason. Ryback and Axel add yet another tag match to the mix. Dancers were with Tons of Funk tonight. And that's with them referencing the PPV. Xavier said that he could do Brodus better, and then Cole said even he could. Brodus is completely justified in killing all of these men. They're all fine with Sweet T. JBL referenced 2 Live Crew. Sadly, Truth didn't reference 3LK. Brodus didn't tag T. Shellshock to T. Brodus splashed T twice. Truth and Xavier made the save. Good to see that they did the right thing after two cheapshot attacks. Xavier's goatee just doesn't work for him. Cole did stupid dancing. JBL referenced Walter Kronkite dancing.

They recapped the crazy end of last week's Raw, which was good. Punk said some words about HHH. HBK CAME OUT. Didn't expect that. So it'll be DX-Team ROH at WM. Loved HBK's bitter promo on the fans and them giving up on the "you sold out" chant. Crowd chanted one more match. Loved Punk saying he's got more than one in him, and saying that 15 year old him was glad to be kicked by HBK last week, and that he was even fine with HBK running around in assless chaps, but if he kicks him again, he'll kick back. Shield's out. IT COULD BE THE MATADORS AND THE BULL IN THE RING WITH HBK! Love the fan with a crown, a Slammy, and the WWE Title.

It's the Usos teaming with Punk. US-O bit got a huge chant starting. I love the tag corner cam - it made the back suplex>Rock Bottom from Reigns look even cooler. Punk got a hot tag and hit a brainbuster on Ambrose. Superman Punch took out an Uso, while the other one hit a dive onto Roman. As bad as Punk's elbow usually looks, it looks works with the left arm. Big kick to Reigns after he tagged in, but Punk hit the GTS thinking Ambrose was legal, leaving him open for a spear and a pin from Reigns. Reigns with a black eye in the crowd shot looked awesome. They recapped the show opening, with Cole now burying Orton's promos.

WWE 2K14, THE HOTTEST GAME IN THE WORLD, presented a goofy site poll. I demand that Brock be excluded from WWE poll/app wackiness. Wyatts interrupted a goofy WWE 2K14 ad. The Wyatts looked at something and talked to it. He's talking to Abigail. So Abigail is the chair, or it was her chair. Or something. Bellas were in the ring and the Royal Rumble is sponsored by Jackson-Hewitt. I sure hope watching the Rumble is more fun than doing your taxes. They had a site deal recap with Nattie citing the Owen "enough is enough" catchphrase. Brie had a nasty landing getting pulled off the second rope. Tamina carries herself like a badass. I loved her chucking her vest out and hitting the ref in the face in the process. AJ got a tag. Nikki came in and is moving 500 MPH too fast here. Shining Wizard got the win after a Taminia mafia kick. Cole asked why she wasn't, because she's in the match legally. WWE ran a video about how they run the most patriotic event of the year.

Henry Claus skit was amusing. DAT'S WHAT SANTA DOES! Orton rushed through a promo with Renee about how he doesn't need to face Bryan and that the fans should all bend over and kiss his ass. Brothers Rhodes face Harper and Rowan on SD. Unless it's changed. Cole talked in a way no person would talk, while JBL in theory engaged in a conversation with him - he really just talked after him - like a video game. Bryan started things off with some VINTAGE ROH mat-wrestling. Bryan's beating the shit out of Orton's leg here. Orton came back with some corner headbutts and a European uppercut of his own. CALGARY CRAB by Bryan. Orton attacked the arm, then Bryan fought back by biting Orton just like he'd done earlier. This match is better than their PPV matches. Big dive from Bryan was sidestepped for an ad break."Randy Orton told us TO KISS HIS BACKSIDE!" OH NOES! Cole sounds so lame sometimes.

GIGANTIC superplex from Orton got 2. Bryan's flipping Hart Attack clothesline comeback led to the corner dropkicks and an iffy super rana from Bryan. Bryan tried to skin the cat, but kicked Bryan in the gut and then hit the draping DDT. Bryan got a 2 off a backslide and a 2.5 off the buzzsaw kick! Crowd was crazy hot here. This hsow has greatly exceeded the PPV. Bryan blocked a superplex off the top with punches, getting a YES for each one. Big headbutt hits. Orton sidestepped a corner dropkick. Cole and JBL are talking about WHAT GREAT PERFORMANCES these are. Bryan countered a cover with a Yes Lock! CORNER DROPKICK ON THE DASHER BOARD! Missile dropkick with a kip up! Low blow during the kick combo gives Bryan a win. I'm fine with that since it'll lead to a rematch and Orton shouldn't be losing cleanly after becoming the Unified champion. Cena ran down to attack Orton, who countered the fresh Cena with an RKO. Orton held the belts up high and Cole scolded him for his ANTICS!

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Let your Soul Glo...

TLC 2013

Shield-Punk was brilliant. Love the continued tease towards Reigns-Ambrose, likely with Reigns winning the belt from him - or just taking it off Ambrose so Reigns isn't saddled with it - unless they try to make him the undisputed secondary champ. AJ-Nattie was well-worked. Loved them acting like a grab of the hair was the biggest deal in the world. Sandow's new I>U shirt is rather terrible. Kofi and Miz, in a barber shop red-striped suit, brawling on the pre-show was shown. Big Show, a month after being the lead face, is just a dude in a 4-way tag team title match. Rey's gold and blue motif just looks weird. Ryback got beat with a schoolboy. Poor fucker. The commentators downplayed the WE THE PEOPLE response. BIGG HOSS got a 2 on Goldust. Goldust hit the rana off the top onto Cesaro. VINTAGE RIKISHI BUMP from Cesaro off the shoulder block from Show. Dive into a KO punch - Cesaro's out, but that was fun. Rey took the best bump ever for the disaster kick. Cross Rhodes beats Rey. Goofy bullshit with Brawlin Buddies. Brodus had a match with Truth. Brodus is a heel officially, and has no allies. Schoolboy beats him. Kofi in green zebra and yellow gear that's hideous faced Miz. Kofi won after throwing Miz into the exposed buckle. Sure, Miz used it, but Kofi's a bit of a dick.

Bryan-Wyatts was fun. I loved Wyatt busting out some ground and pound elbows and then finishing him off with Sister Abigail. Both handicap matches were pretty good, so while the stips led to matches that were worse than a regular TV match involving either setup of guys, at least the PPV results were decent. Cena-Orton had THE BIGGEST MATCH IN WWE HISTORY...with a one month build. I liked the spot with Cena holding a belt and being thwacked with a chair. Dude shouldn't be in a TLC match right now though, and no part of their feud...or whatever this is, requires any of these items. Cena got handcuffed to the rope, SO HE PULLED THE BOTTOM ROPE OFF, he used the as Cole called it STEEL METAL on the buckle to bonk Orton. Orton pulled him off the ladder and he hit the table, so Orton won. He's the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Eh.

Friday, December 13, 2013

WWE SD 12-13-13

Show opened with a recap of the awesome Raw brawl that ended that show. The stage is covered in tables, ladders, and chairs and they've got the belts hung up. So Raw wasn't the HISTORIC LAST TIME BOTH TITLES WOULD BE SEEN. Bryan came out while a Sting vs. Streak sign was shown in the background. He's facing Rowan...again...poor Bryan. They did stuff until Bray tripped Bryan and led to a DQ. Great running knee to Bray takes him out of the chair. Cody and his dopey smile team with Goldust to face the Real Americans - YAY! The Real Americans' gear and tracksuits matching perfectly is so great. Zeb doesn't approve of Mexican Santa Clauses asking for money. "I don't approve of people sneaking across our border FROM THE NORTH POLE!" Zeb rules. Nice double A spinebuster from Goldust - don't recall him doing that before. Nice shortarm clothesline from Cesaro takes Goldust out on the floor for the break. Second rope leaping blind head bonk from Goldust led to a hot tag. It's a shame that Goldust can't just team with himself, because he's great in both the Morton and Gibson roles. GOLDUST ACTUALLY GOT BOOD for preventing the swing. Cody sends the heels packing with a backdrop over the top, then hits a springboard crossbody to both of them on the floor. Cody went up top, but got pulled down into basically a Rainmaker European Uppercut for the win. I loved this. WE THE PEOPLE pledge got one frame before they went to the Champion of Champions video. That segued into a video showcasing both Orton and Cena's careers from the beginning until now. Benoit was surprisingly shown in the Orton video for the first world title win. CENA WILL TALK ABOUT THE CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS MATCH LATER!

Bad News Barrett and his stupid podium - everyone in the crowd is a loser. Henry came out to whoop Sandow, and pretty much did until Sandow left and got counted out on purpose. Hell of a build to the IC Title match. Henry threw Sandow into Big E, taking him off of the apron...which I don't think was supposed to happen since it was never mentioned and didn't lead to any annoyance from Big E. AJ and Tamina face the Bellas. Nattie's on commentary, and she's not very good. Nattie called Nikki Nicole. I'm not sure if Nikki's Tough Tatas socks are appropriate for WWE TV or not. I guess it's a bit classier than the TNA Save the Tatas shirts. Brie taps to the Black Widow, and still looks scary thin. Cena cut a nice promo about Orton being a pussy who's going to be forced to man up on Sunday. Cena saying that he wouldn't know how to react in a TLC match was odd given that Orton himself hyped up DESTROYING FOLEY IN A HARDCORE MATCH on Raw, but whatever.

Ambrose and the Shield's Slammy did commentary. The Shield graphic for the PPV is really old - Reigns still has his partial tattoo, and he's had the whole sleeve for a long time. Reigns and Rollins face the Usos. Ambrose said that them leaving on Raw was due to their passion - they're like brothers and sometimes things happen. Reigns has added Ambrose's little finger gun point - nice touch there. Ambrose put over the big toss into the Samoan Drop - I love him doing that. Big dive from an Uso to the floor off the top. These guys are such great workers. BIG SPEAR ON THA FLOOR FROM THA BIG MAN! "You can swim for a while, but when you're in the ring with the Shield, we'll take you to deep waters AND DROWN YOU!" Great stuff. BIG SPEAR gets the win. Punk cut a Shield-esque promo backstage - BELIEVE IN THE BEST IN THE WORLD. Twas fine.

Show's facing Ryback to build up the 4-way tag title match the PPV. Show and Rey face Rybaxel, and the teams in the opener. Sucks to be the Usos, and no Shield in it seems a tad odd too. This almost feels like a tag division now. Nice spinebuster from Ryback. Chokeslam gets the win. Sucks to be Ryback. Axel and his new Better Than Perfect shirt got knocked out with a 619>Punch combo. Also sucks to be Axel. Bray gave Bryan advice and sang a song that he sings before he puts all of his pets down. Alberto was going to face Kofi, but Kofi got destroyed by Miz beforehand. HHH and Cole's thing covered HHH demanding an apology from Orton. Why should Orton apologize? He was shoved into Steph. They talked and talked. Clips played from Raw. They talked, and stared. This was a waste of time.

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

TNA Impact 12-12-13 - Feast or Fired

For some reason, a Friends of AJ Styles-style video opened Impact. Boy, with AJ actually being gone and them taping so much TV at once, this whole angle seems even dumber since they're giving him prime time global exposure for the indy scene. Rockstar Spud is in Gainesville, GA to find AJ - while wearing a rainbow-bow tie. JB said stuff about Feast or Fired, leading to Angle coming out and yelling at him. There's way too goddamn much happening by 9:03. He tossed around the Wheel of Dixie, then called Roode out. THANK GOD ROODE IS WALKING SLOWLY, it's possible to digest this. Roode rightly pointed out that he was eliminated from a world title tourney due to slipping and falling through a table, while he's broken Kurt down ever since he turned down his HoF induction, and so they'll fight on his terms - not Kurt's. Roode said he could beat him twice in one night, leading to perfect build for a 2/3 falls match. They did another brawl>geeks>brawl deal before Roode kicked him in the balls. Al Snow's sneakers should trend worldwide. Roode made the 2/3 falls match for Final Resolution, which should be really good. Tremendous Park/EY vs. Bad Influence video - they put a red TRON filter on stuff and it was so weird and awesome. EY then cut a great promo on Park telling him to man up and beat the shit out of Bad Influence. This ruled.

Bad Influence came out and Kaz had more pep in his step than usual. They hyped up Feast or Fired, with Taz burying it as a former competitor. Kaz went a billion feet in the air for a backdrop, which ruled. Tenay hyped up Dixie's Twitter feed - that just seems weird since he's a face and she's a heel. There should at least be a hint of sarcasm to it or something like "I've been advised to...". Taz discussed sea lions for some reason. EY told Park to man up, but he wouldn't, so EY gave him a headlock and punches after apologizing to get the monster out of him. Chokeslam, corner avalanche AND SHOCK TREATMENT! Black Hole Slam gets the win. This was a ton of fun. Then EY said that the reason Park couldn't find Abyss was because he was him - this led to a great YOU'RE A-BYSS chant. And EC3 got a massage because he needs it.

EC3's out and Taz says he loves what he did to Earl since he doesn't like him anyway. Dude's getting a SHUT YOUR MOUTH chant after one sentence, so this is clicking to at least some degree. EC3 said social media would play up with his match against JB! Sting came down to stand up for JB. Sting cut an awesome promo on the guy and by God, he's making Feast or Fired seem important because at least those guys are taking a chance. He said either get in that match, or face Sting now. Huge YES chant. Sure, it's a WWE chant, but hell, the fans are digging this. EC3 said YOU'RE ON...and then left to compete in feast or fired. This was perfect. Spud then went to a gas station for directions while fumbling with a comedically-large map and annoying a gas station clerk. Shockingly, the guy actually knew of AJ - so at least the guy's presented as a star in his hometown. This role is perfect for Spud.

Gail's out for the open challenge. ODB came out, and Gail said she wanted BETTER competition while the announcers talked about her being in the company and thus ineligible for it. ODB and her wacky spiked mohawk bonked Tapa with the mic, leading to a little brawl. Madison Rayne returned to beat the shit out of Gail, while she and ODB teamed up to take out Tapa. This was great stuff and I dig Madison using her cocky wave for good, or at least against evil. Spud and his goofy tie went to "an American pub", his hick accept was hilarious. Spud asked for a "Mister Allen Jones", while the bartender's tits were distracting, and he asked for a Ladyboy Chaser. He got a beer, but no info.

They came back to the bar after the break and he asked for Allen Jones again, also known as AJ Styles. The folks demanded that he sing. He obliged SINCE HE'S A ROCKSTAR! Spud yelled about the queen while struggling with the lights...and then got himself and his '80s shirt tossed out. This sucked. Feast or Fired case recap video showed off Curry Man being fired before...and he's in tonight's match too. Gunner apologized to Storm, who accepted the apology while also bringing up everything he did wrong and saying he'd be winning the world title shot while Gunner could get the tag title shot. Storm was a great cocky prick here, and it's a shame he's so broken down now, because he could've been something special. And this team breaking up means nothing since they came together for no real reason and don't come close to either of Storm's prior teams in TNA. Oh yeah, there's a world title tourney going on and Hardy and Magnus meet mid-ring next to talk about their title match next week. That has really been a total afterthought.

MORE WITH SPUD. He got a dinky flashlight and ran down a road. I didn't need to see that, and they're doing way too many of these things. Dixie bitched about Angle destroying the wheel of Dixie, and made Roode-Angle 2/3 falls CUZ SHE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES THA MATCHES. More bitching about AJ, YA SENDING ME THAT TOY BELT ARE YA SERIOUS! Dixie was happy about getting HER new world champion next week. She got a giant smile on her face while bringing Magnus out. He's in a T-shirt and jeans - basically what Hardy's in as well. T-shirt and jeans world title match. Yargh. At least Hardy's hoodie looks nice. Hardy ran down how great 2012 was for him - shame it's nearly 2014. Magnus said that he's young, but he knows the fans are Hardy's creatures - and he's earned them. Magnus thanked him for putting food on his table - thank God he's basically a heel, because this as a face act would be utter death. Dixie said that the wheel of Dixie may be gone, BUT ITS LEGACY LIVES ON in the Dixieland match.

Then a really stupid awkward cut from Tenay led to a Dixieland video package. It starts as a cage, then, there's a race to a ladder to get the title on top of the ramp. This match reeks of that stupid reverse ladder match thing, where's it's needlessly complicated for the sake of being needlessly complicated. Oh, and the winner gets to fly around the world with Dixie. Dixie gave Magnus a look. Velvet and a hot blue dress met with Sabin - I love the dress matching the belt. He's got a title match with Aries next...for some reason. Spud attempted to break into AJ's house, but the door was unlocked. AJ came down after he found the belt, and AJ said he was tipped off. AJ's house appears to be just like anyone else's house, only filled with goofy stuff like a deer head in a chair. No one came off great here. Cena's house has an elevator, the TNA World Champion's has a deer head in a chair in his living room.

Ken Anderson walked backstage and looked at least 45 with the lighting on him. He threatened to get back in the world title hunt. Aries is out to become a four-time X Champion, after this beyond nothing 3rd title reign. The close-up shot of the X Title is not complimentary of it. Taz said that Sabin and Aries were carbon copies of each other. I call bullshit on that. Loved Sabin hugging Velvet to prevent himself from getting hit with a spring-loaded double axehandle off the top to the floor. It led to a fantastic clothesline to the knees that Aries took a great bump on the apron for. Missile dropkick from Aries missed, leading to Sabin doing a whirlybird facebuster/gutbuster thing. TNA Genesis debuts on Spike on 1/14. Abdominal stretch from Sabin led to him doing the gordbuster on the ropes - seems like that order should've been reversed, but whatever. Discus forearm takes Sabin up the ramp. Springing axehandle finally hits, and he looked a lot like Savinge doing it with his full beard now. Big Aries chant after that, and it leads to the missile dropkick finally hitting. This match was built up with nothing, but feels somewhat important thanks to the action and the crowd being hot for it. JAPANESE ARMDRAG INTO THE BUCKLES FROM ARIES. Holy crap that ruled. Corner facekiller dropkick from Aries led an on O Conner rollup reversal, Sabin stopping short, and getting hit with a brainbuster for the win. Velvet apologized and said she's sorry. Feast or Fired is next. It's 10:26, so I hope there's at least something after that because no part of that match going long seems good.

Sabin bitched at Aries for DARING TO PUT HIS LITTLE SUNFLOWER in danger, and then entered himself into Feast or Fired. Aries did the same. This roster seems so lean and overworked. Magnus cut a promo in a room with picnic furniture about the title match. Recap of Roode-Angle and the Magnus-Hardy deal from before. This video was perfectly fine, but didn't do anything really well. Gail and Tapa face Rayne and ODB. This goofy thing was just hype for the Final Resoution that was bad.  Christy, also in a blue dress, introduced the Feast or Fired guys. VINTAGE MIC DROP for Anderson. Bully jumped Anderson and hit him with a piledriver on the ramp. Epic music played while Bully cut a promo about good overcoming the evil of man's sins, while evil stands strong in hell. I'm digging Biblical Ray. And then he said Anderson raped him of his future, referenced Ken's pregnant wife and future twins...and that got a bit weird. It's now 10:38 and the match hasn't begun.

ShopTNA hype ad led to a Bully/Anderson recap. A graphic for the Hardy-Magnus match was shown, then they further recapped FR - so why do that awful video earlier? Joe came down, and a bunch of the jobbers were already in the ring. GunStorm came down. EC3 got his full intro - now adding a slow backwards walk. They're getting at least this intro over like a million bucks. Taz said that EC3's already beaten three of the guys in this match, so he shouldn't be taken lightly. Ion's in this. Curry Man just left - Tenay said it was because he realized he could be he was before. Curry Man leaving both makes sense because he was fired before in this match, and makes no sense because HE WAS FIRED IN THIS MATCH BEFORE and is back. Storm took a funky dive over the top via a backdrop from Gunner. Barnes and Fernum took guys out, while Joe then took them out. EC3 took advantage of this and grabbed the third case.

Final Resolution DIXIELAND hype vid. Tenay hyped up this being the fourth FoF match in company history, and the first in four years. Sabin and Joe had a fun exchange. THE NERD, and Ion, tossed Joe out. Ion tossed them off the second case's pole. Taz did the airhorn noise. Big blind crossbody off the top from Aries onto Supermex and Storm - nice spot. Aries set up a double stack of Mexicans and GunStorm in the corners, then dropkicked them - good stuff. Then he bonked the nerds into each other and tried to dropkick them too. He eventually hit the 450 on both of them. Aries is the MVP of the show so far. Sabin took Aries down trying to grab a case. Joe and Chavo brawled, and Hernandez tossed Chavo...scarily...onto the pole to get the case. Gunner hit Hernandez with a combo corner avalanche/clothesline - does everyone in the company do that spot now? TOWER OF DOOM with the nerds superplexing Hernandez. Storm went to grab the case, but Gunner attacked I guess he's turning heel. Gunner's uber-generic theme hit. Dude needs a better theme. Hardy met with Dixie and gave him win. BAD MOVE DIXIE!

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