Saturday, May 31, 2014

TNA 2014 Book Cover

Has to be this

Friday, May 30, 2014

WWE SD 5-30-14

Generic SD intro vid starts things off. Cesaro battles Kofi. Cesaro shined so brightly in a Superstars match against him a year ago, and they start the show saying how much more Cesaro has matured since those days. They had a basic match and Cesaro won after hitting the uppercut as a crossbody counter. Post-match Neutralizer. Barrett cut a promo on Sheamus about their match tonight. Shame that wasn't built up at all on Raw. Shield cut a basic promo that will start the show in North America about the elimination match. IC Title clips hyped up the IC-US Champion match tonight. Paige tapped out Tamina with the MODIFIED SCORPION CROSS LOCK now called the PTO - Paige's Tap Out...go back to the crosslock name NOW! Alicia stole the belt. Sheamus cut a promo on Barrett. It's time for Xavier to BOLIEVE! Bo won with the BO-DOG! JBL hyped up THE NEW STREAK! Wyatts recap. Torito beat Jinder with the bullsault. They showed some U.S. Champions of the past, including Sting. Surprisingly, no Flair or Bret in that video. Sheamus and Barrett had a fairly short, but fun brawling-heavy match. I liked Sheamus countering the Wasteland with a Crucifix cradle into a Brogue Kick. This was criminally short, and Barrett shouldn't be losing this quickly to anyone. Sheamus tried to bully Heyman, who pointed out that he said nothing bad about him - true. Sheamus is just a dick.

Big E prepared to face Titus, but Lana's ass came out. Big E squashed Titus and they hyped up him hitting the Big Ending to Rusev. Rusev-E should be a fun big dude brawl. Adam Rose had a comedy match with Swagger and won with a shittier version of Lita's leg cradle. So fake-looking. Good lord. Bray faced Jimmy Uso in a last man standing match. This was a fantastic showcase for Jimmy, who looked great. The fans sang to Bray when he was on offense. He needs to turn face immediately, or at least just get out of this Cena feud. Sister Abigail on the floor got the win. Bray doing the creepy upside-down look under the bottom rope to close the match out ruled. This wasn't a bad show, but it felt like nothing important happened outside of the US-IC match, and that had more hype than ring time.

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Thursday, May 29, 2014

TNA Impact 5-29-14

I'm missing the second hour of NXT Takeover for this show, so it had better at least be tolerable. That's my standard for the show now - tolerable. Last week tested that with TOO MUCH DAMNED TALKING and EY as champ has put them in a rough spot. He kind of can't lose the title quickly if you're ever going to do something with him as champion, but you also can't have MVP lose his first shot with the deck stacked in his favor. It gives his group no on-paper credibility, and moreover, HE WON'T HAVE THE MONEY, POWER, AND RESPECT to relive 1997 when that phrase was a thing. BAR RESCUE: THE LOST EPISODE is now something hyped up before Impact. Holy God. I swear MVP's video from last week's opening was just replayed here. Bully starts the show swearing that as long he's breathing, HE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING! Bully's wearing vengeance on six people, and there are six large table-shaped things covered in a tarp on-stage. LASHLY is going through a table. Poor Lashley. At least he spelled MVP correctly.

Bully called out everyone and said he'd put them all through tables at some point. MVP and his crew came out while EC3 attacked and Spud berated Bully in a blue suit with a floral design. They brawled and brawled and brawled. The show went from breezing by to a slog now. They're bringing down the Spud table to put Bully through. EY, Aries, and the Wolves saw JUST ABOUT ENOUGH after five minutes of an assault and came to help. Spud tried to hide under his table. Shockingly, it didn't work. Aries pitched a 3-on-3 match tonight. Bully wanted it now. EY helped Bully put him through the table with a Super Powerbomb. Spud's socks match his wacky getup. God bless this man. They...almost can't be so stupid as to do what should be the main event next.  

A fantastic commercial for EY's new show aired. I really hope that does well - kudos to him for having out-of-ring success. Yup, the 6-man happened. Everyone did crap and then the Wolves did a dive. They came back and Davey did a slingshot leading to Aries ding a wacky flip elbow into the ring onto King. Things picked up when Aries got in. Kenny King couldn't keep up with him and tripped over himself. Lashley hit a fantastic running powerslam to Aries, who sold it marvelously. Brainbuster leads to a tag in and Davey hitting the double stomp, but Lashley spears the busted-up ribs/liver of Davey. Drive By to Davey gets the win for MVP. This was hard to care about, but a good-ish match. Bram talked to Magnus. Bram has a match AGAINST SOMEONE. I guess the trade-off for picking two matches is having one against an opponent you don't know.

EC3 met with Dixie, who hasn't watched the show. Tigre Uno got streamers again and is facing Bram. They did moves. If the point of this is to toughen Magnus up, shouldn't Bram just knock the fuck out of Uno with the crowbar? Impaler gets the win. Bram grabbed the turnbuckle connector, leading to Magnus saying what's wrong with him. They talked and talked and talked. Magnus told him to face a former world champion...Willow! Gunner met with Anderson, who he's teaming with tonight against I guess Shaw and Storm. "Thank you Doctor Phil...Shatter." Okay, Anderson rules.

Brittany met with Madison and begged her to team with him. Madison ONCE AGAIN REFUSED TO HELP HER. BroMans are mid-ring to face Gunner and Anderson. GUNDERSON! BroMans did moves. I love their double knee-thingy on the apron. DIXIE WILL BE UP NEXT AFTER THIS MATCH TO TALK TO MVP. Oh thank God, the show was getting stale. Anderson blind-tagged Gunner, and then a minute later the Mic Check led to the diving headbutt win. STOP DOING THAT MOVE RIGHT NOW. He's had the Gun Rack, the F5 as the Hangar-18, and now that. Stick with the F5. THEN THE MENAGERIE CAME OUT TO FREAK OUT THE BROMANS! This was glorious. CARTERS UP NEXT. Please no. More of Rebel's ass.

Brittany's breasts met with Gail to ask for a partner. Gail accepted. MLK came down, with everyone in new casual wear. Lashley's black and yellow getup was okay. MVP and Dixie had a discussion about power and Dixie threatened him with THE TNA BOARD OF DIRECTORS! Everyone chanted for tables, which threw MVP off his game. EVERYONE IN THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LIKE. YAY EY! They're in different stuff than they were in before, so clearly this show was taped out of order. MVP said EY's just a patsy WHO SHOULD STICK TO FISHING. These were fighting words. MVP made Bully-EY tonight with EC3 as the ref. Oh joy. They talked and talked. If they don't fight, Bully's fired - and if Bully's fired, HOW WILL BULLY ATTACK THE CARTERS!? Um...not in a wrestling company then? They talked and talked and talked and talked. After 19 hours, Bully swore to put the heels through a table. BPs cut a promo. Velvet's titty glitter is something else.

An Angle-EC3 video aired. Kurt shot a cell phone video with an update. Healing is going well. Velvet bent over on the ramp, but they didn't do the booty-shake on the ropes. Brittany got in the ring, then left when Gail came why get in then? She tried to hug Gail, who rejected it. What exactly is this gimmick? Taz buried fans for wearing the bags since they're ugly. They did moves and then Brittany tagged in to Gail's chagrin and she ate the kick from Angelina. Gail made no real effort to save, and wound up elbowing Brittany accidentally. Or something. EY and Bully met about their match and Bully said he'd fight to win and get a shot. I just want this show to end so I can finish watching NXT Takeover.

Good lord, now Brittany's calling Madison out. She wanted to know why Madison rejected her. Well, she's lost a lot and Madison said things are getting weird. Madison said her issues with the BPs were between them, and not with her. Brittany said she's a big girl, and she just wants to be with her...Taz lost his shit and an HLA chant broke out. The audio popped terribly throughout all of this as she just yelled and yelled about wanting acceptance. Velvet and Angelina rightfully called Madison out on being mean, and took credit for it, while Madison talked about her never being like that and the crowd chanted boring. Madison gets a title shot next week, which will certainly go well since she just pissed off an ally. EC3 got his ref gear on, and MLK came to threaten him. They surrounded him. All this was missing was a porn site logo.

Christy tried to intro the main event at 10:42, but first Kenny King had to come out looking like a jobber. Why is Kenny King, a ring announcer, shopping at Wal-Mart? Kenny King was just terrible at this and buried EY. Taz and Tenay buried King here. Lashley's the enforcer. GOD MORE ATTITUDE ERA REJECT IDEAS! AND I JUST SAW THEM ON RAW AND HATED THEM. Kenny King is getting blown up just announcing. Is he good at anything? MVP's the timekeeper. EY and Bully had a nice little face-face match doing basic offense. They went to a break that went about six minutes. Insane. We came back at 10:55 with nothing appearing to have happened. Taz used his old "his hands are his weapons" for Lashley - nice. Bully kicked EC3, allowing MLK to attack the faces. THANK GOD MORE BRAWLING! Joe returned and beat up Lashley, while Kenny just...flipped onto the mat for him. Muscle Buster to King! At least with a depleted roster, Joe gets a push again. Next week's #impactlive was hyped up with CLIPS FROM NEXT WEEK'S IMPACT!

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Monday, May 26, 2014

Raw 5-26-14

No pre-show stuff tonight. I might do the post-show, but with the Windows 8 desktop being a tad wonky when it comes to recording video and audio at the same time, I'd rather not risk it. I've got things set up just fine to watch Raw, and I don't think I'll rock the boat for either of those things since neither have been worthwhile for a month or so. A nice Memorial Day video starts the show off. This video would be a lot more beautiful without WWE's logo in the corner. OH THANK GOD RAW KICKS OFF WITH AN AUTHORITY PROMO! Did I go into a time warp to September? Steph says tonight's Raw is HISTORIC! See, using that term for this show with ONE THING HYPED UP kills the word. This promo is going on and on and it's only 8:05. She's just making the same point over and over again. HHH talks about the difference between a flash in the pan like Bryan and a man who ADAPTS and stands the test of time. Could they just skip the 2 hours and 45 minutes of filler and get to the ending of this angle? HHH hyped up the Shield PPV match and how they might not sign the contacts. Why wouldn't the Shield sign the contacts for the match they wanted? Steph brought up the Raw GM issue...there's a Raw GM issue? Oh, the issue is with the Shield being official commentators last week. They called out #thedemonkane to attack. After seemingly eons, he hit a chokeslam and tombstone. This went on and on and on and on.

BO-LIEVE debuts on Raw tonight. Cesaro gets a jobber intro against RVD of all people. Bad News Barrett has BAD NEWS about swimsuit season. HE'S GOING TO QUOTE "HURT YOU"! God, Cole's awful. Cesaro caught RVD's Asai moonsault and hit snake eyes on the barricade. Barrett's fantastic on commentary. Shame it ended so he could try to attack RVD, who fought back. RVD's looking better here, and being booked better tonight, than he has in a while. German wins for Cesaro...shit is RVD actually getting the title? Sheamus came out and like a dick, kicked Cesaro out of nowhere. They've got a PPV match too. Oh, and it's for the U.S. Title. So if Cesaro wins that and RVD wins the IC Title, then he's basically the top secondary title guy.

They replayed some Summer Rae/Eva angle on SD I completely forgot about and Cole said SHE'S BRINGING THE TOTAL DIVAS REALITY SHOW TO REAL LIFE. Cole brought up Eva in the Maxim hot 100 and rattled off 1,000 names really quickly. Eva's blowing kisses to the crowd. I think she's a face now for some reason. Fandango distracted Summer with a kiss with Layla, and Eva won with a schoolgirl. This sucked. Rhodes Bros. met with Randy and Batista. "We noticed we're not on the show" - so it's real, but scripted? They said that the red curtain room was HHH's office -like HHH's office would have a photo of the Rock in it. Drew faces the bull. Ratings face the axe. Drew bumped around great AND THEN THE BUMP TOOK A CRAZY SPIN BUMP! Then Drew took a bump to his gut, lost, and Hornswoggle tore the tail off. TO THE GRAPHIC for Cena-Wyatt.

The tail bit got a replay and they played it straight. Good lord. They put ice on his ass and Primo sold agony. Then Bray came out for his promo. The tonal whiplash is just too much. They kept trying to get Bray Washed over with the phone bit. I've never seen a star-making feud actively hurt both guys in it. Cena seems like so much less of a star, while Bray...has gained something, but nowhere near what he could've gained had this just been one and done at WM. Bray the downtrodden babyface cutting a promo FOR THE WORKIN MAN! Bray is...I think supposed to be the heel, but he just says he's the necessary evil. Bray's cutting a fantastic '86 Dusty promo here. Shame he's in theory the heel in this. I would so love King-Bray in a promo exchange. They threatened King, so JBL stood up for him and got beaten down - even took a bump on the floor. THEY KILLED JBL! They are babyfaces! Come on, let Jerry throw ONE PUNCH at Bray. So John Cena isn't helping the heart attack victim...why? Bray is crouched next to King. COME ON, ONE PUNCH! They teased an attack, and it led to Cena FINALLY coming to help but getting beaten up because he was too busy throwing shit to the crowd. This resulted in Cena making silly faces and more threats to King, who was saved by the Usos. Cena cut an awful promo about Lincoln and stuff. Cena said IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING, BUT TO SEE WHO IS THE LAST MAN determine who wins or loses the match. Cena talked about Bray being drunk with power. How? He doesn't have the TNA World title.

A terrible Legends House ad showed fish getting sliced up and a game show. Ryder waves the American flag on Memorial Day and gets...almost a reaction. RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! WOO WOO WOO! Putin got heat, or at least a USA chant. USA should really have a red, white, and blue logo today. They get a green one for green week for goodness sake, and used to have the flag in the logo. Rusev squashed him. DO SOMETHING NEW! Or at least different! Big E came something different that's not this! Big E sent him out. This match would be terrifying. Stephanie met with Alberto for...reasons that aren't explained, so I'll just imagine she's trying to impress Alberto with all the Spanish she knows.

Batista and Orton came out to face the Rhodes Bros., who hopefully split tonight. I hope they turn Cody tonight and we at least get Cody-Goldust for Payback. They did some fine stuff before the break here, with my favorite spot being Batista putting Cody's head over the ropes and then elbowing him to the back of the head. They should really be bringing up the Rhodes Bros. beating the Shield for the tag titles just to give the match another layer. RKO off the Disaster Kick led to another RKO and a win.  Fun match. Justin said that the match was now an elimination match, and Cody would be taken out for a handicap no-holds-barred match. For an MMA fighter, Batista's knee strikes look terrible. RKO. Batista Bomb. Shield helps Goldust win, right? Nope. Orton wins with a foot on the chest. Time to BOLIEVE. I Bolieve that channels will be changed.

Good lord, JBL is back and we get Bo-Cara II! I Bolieve he's a date rapist with that face. A small bo-ring chant broke out. Bodog got the win. I hope he gets Calvin Ayre as his manager. Bo is hilarious, but it's another NXT callup doomed to mid-card geek. Bryan-Steph gets the top of the hour. Oh yeah, THE TITLE is secondary to Evolution. Usos face the Wyatts on Main Event. Steph came out and talked about Bryan. He came out and said the neck injury was worse than expected. Bryan said the fans deserved an AWESOME CHAMPION. An AWESOME champion!? Time for Miz to shine! Bryan accidentally spit on her, oh no. Oh goodie, a replay of Brie's amazing ac-ting ta-lent! Steph said if Bryan doesn't give up the title BRIE WILL BE FIRED, ON THE PPV! What an amazing bait and switch. Dammit - Bryan just got done spend $125,000 on Brie's wedding - the loss of her salary will...slightly reduce his chance to recoup that money this year! We get to pay for Brie's acting.

NXT Takeover got a really good hype video. They replayed Alicia's win last week. She's facing Emma, who had a fan in a COLT CABANA SHIRT! JBL referenced "the robot from Lost Family Robinson". Cole had to explain the Emma move name joke. Scissors kick over the apron is too similar to Roman's move. Emma got the win. Two schoolgirls, two wins. This was theoretically stupid, but these freakouts rule! Now she's just calling the fans losers. SHE GAVE A GUY A SHOOT WEDGIE! Alicia's gonna get a shoot lecture about being a star with that wedgie. Adam Rose is next in a match.

A Cena video about Memorial Day aired. A Torito-Hornswoggle MASK VS. HAIR match is coming at the pre-show. DAMIEN CROCKETT came out. Boy, this Adrian Street offense is...something in 2014. SWAGGER AND ZEB KIDNAPPED THE LEMON! Crockett's sneak-attack failed, and the Party Foul won. Swagger brawled with him and Adam Rose got the better of it. This post-match stuff sucked. JBL referenced BUNNY LANDEL! Amazing. Oh, and Sheamus-Alberto happens for some reason. Sheamus beat Alberto and then Heyman came out to distract him for a Cesaro beating. Loved him busting out some PRIDE knees. BOLIEVE IN THE SHIELD! What a great sign. Shield chucked out all the signing stuff like badasses! This was a fun brawl.

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Thursday, May 22, 2014

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-22-14

The Cops credits vid hypes up the NEW TOP GROUP IN TNA! Thank God - we went weeks without one! This video would've looked a lot cooler without bugs on it. Kaz talked to Chris about jiggle butt nonsense! They beat him up, and came out. Tenay had the nerve to call them ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE FACTIONS IN HISTORY! MVP said he brought in his friends...okay, so Lashley makes sense, but Kenny King doesn't. Why would Lashley and King have a match if they were in on this? Lashley's jersey looks nice. MVP used Nash's old WRESTLING BUSINESS line. MVP, in 2014, continues to quote the Lox. MVP and Lashley look like stars. Kenny King looks like a high-end Wal-Mart shopper. Kenny said his match with Lashley was just to throw them off the scent - I'll accept that. WHY DID HE GIVE LASHLEY THE MIC!? He just keeps talking all marble-mouthed. MVP thankfully grabbed the mic from him and then the Wolves came down. Davey's reddish/blonde mohawk looks slightly better than the whole head of hair looking like that. Davey cut a promo on him and then MVP called him Eddie. MVP told them he could fire them so they could work for table scraps. Table scraps!? Did TNA's budget just get upped? Why even bring that issue up when your show looks so dime-store? MVP repeated it being about power and control again. Lashley speared Davey through a table on the floor and then King cackled for whatever reason. EY showed up in a $10 Wal-Mart shirt and jeans. Kenny King did at least dress better than EY.

EC3 in a swank grey suit, blue tie, and red shirt showed up with Dixie in a limo. Davey was loaded into an ambulance. We should've seen this coming - MVP tried to destroy Davey before back when he was a face by having him work hurt. EY came out to talk. Thank God more words! Nothing about EY's presentation works beyond the booking of him, which is shockingly great. MVP and the rest of his faction interrupted him within a minute. EY said he didn't know King, but what he knew of him wasn't good - HE'S FROM VEGAS, SO HE'S A SCUMBAG. Lashley PAID HIS DUES IN THE MMA! EY said that Lashley's son is going to ask him why he's a sellout. BWAHAHA. Like any of his kids will ever know about this shit. EY backed himself into a corner like a moron and got destroyed. Austin Aries came down to make a save. Loved him flipping over Lashley to attack MVP. Aries came out in nicely-pressed pants and a dress shirt - LOOKING MORE LIKE A STAR THAN ANYONE but MVP. I like him saying he saw through MVP immediately. At 9:26, a match was made for the show with Aries-Aries and EY-Someone. Bram told Magnus he made a match for him against Willow in a hardcore match tonight. Magnus said he's sick of Bram and slugged him. Bram was overjoyed since that's what he wanted. This is all stupid. Angelina cut a close-up promo looking terrifying and then Gail was a bitch and interrupted her. 30 minutes of boring suckage so far.

LASHLEY'S REIGN OF VIOLENCE was recapped. Angelina faces Gail I think, for the title. Taz rambled on for eons about THE BAG, THE BAG! ANGELINA TALKED! Nope. Angelina's challenge now excludes all former KO champs. It's Brittany. She's...a girl named Brittany and she has a bad theme. That's about the extent of her character so far. I have no problem with Angelina bending over the ropes to brag. Handspring elbow from Brittany was countered with a clothesline. Sin Cara kick from Brittany led to a slam off the top and a 2. Brittany had the win with a cradle, but Velvet's ass distracted him and Love won with the pump kick. They embarrassed Brittany, THEN Gail came down. Why did she wait? MVP apparently banned Dixie from the building for some reason.

Anderson met with Storm. This all seems to be leading to Anderson/Gunner against Storm/Shaw. Ugh. They're going to have a drinking contest. Aries came out to face MVP. OH GOD THEY RECAPPED THE EARLIER STUFF with Aries and MVP. I like MVP being in a largely black, with white trim motif. They did some stuff for a few minutes before MVP's goons came out. This group has jumped the shark. "THERE'S THE CHAMP, ERIC YOUNG!" has no ring to it. EY got his ass kicked again - twice in one hour. Tenay said in a bad VO that EVERYONE'S AFRAID FOR THEIR JOBS and that's why no one came to help. EY faces Lashley later and then Dixie came out. Thank God - what I really wanted was more Dixie-MVP!

Dixie's theme keeps playing while she rattles off how MVP doesn't return her calls or texts. Dixie says she has the right to be here as the President of TNA. MVP's group terrified her. Why is Dixie teasing a face turn before going through the table? MVP looks to be the same height as Dixie. Bully came out with a pipe. God this sucks. MVP said he banned Bully too. When? Why is that a thing just right now? Bully cut a promo on MVP. Oh yeah, he gave MVP control of the company. I honestly forgot about that. Bully said EY has been here since day one. Year two, maybe. MVP cut a promo on Bully being an asshole and a hypocrite, so the gang jumped him. Dixie and EC3 came down since Bully was down and out. Kenny King has gotten more airtime tonight than during the rest of his TNA run combined. EC3 and Dixie did the get the tables bit, which ruled due to EC3. EC3 attacked the knee. EC3 looks like Disco with this getup and no suit jacket on. He put Bully through the table. Magnus-Willow is next. I can't wait for Willow-Magnus-Bram in a Be Triangular match.

Dixie and EC3 ran like cowards. Magnus and Bram came out. Willow's act sucks. Theme's shockingly good on its own though. The guys had a "they did stuff" spectacular. Willow missed a swanton. Thank God they're making use of this falls count anywhere stip so they can brawl in the ring a ton. Willow got 2 with a sliding splash to the floor. Bram gave Magnus the pry bar and Magnus hit him in the gut, but not the head, so he ate a Twist and lost. The booking of Magnus over the past six months has killed this guy's career. Guarantee he jobs to Bram at some point soon. Gunner met with Shaw again and implied that he's been committed before, probably due to PTSD. So the Obsever bit about that presumption was right, which is good since I didn't get that impression at all last week. Eddie walked backstage angrily.

More with Gunner and Shaw. He talked about trauma, his buddy had it. His friend got better. "Let's get this jacket off of you..."(cue the porno music) Eddie Edwards cut a promo. Can we go back to the Gunner/Shaw slash fanfiction? Eddie brawled with Kenny. The Wolves' shirt rules. I think this brawl has gone on longer than every other match on the show combined. Kenny hit a cradle suplex on the ramp. Why didn't Kenny do the move on the steps that he set up? Eddie's arm is hurt. Anderson and Storm did another skit. Ken's been paying off the girl to not give him beer. "This is gonna be a long, long night!" - THANK YOU STORM!

MVP met with Brian Hebner, who looks 50, and apologized for Kenny King hurting him. He wanted a Hebner to screw the world champion IN 2014. Anderson revealed the near-beer plan and said REVENGE, BITCH! Music played over EY's promo with JB. EY looks orange. EY's comic book tron sucks. I do love Tenay constantly bringing up that MVP is having the champ enter first to disrespect him - it's the one part of this angle that actually works and makes sense. Tenay saying Lashley's a former world champ is a bit of a stretch - although not much of one given his mega-push and the ECW Title kind of being a world title then. Him saying that he's a former MULTIPLE-TIME WORLD CHAMP is a blatant lie though. I like Lashley's neck crank the ropes - like Shemus's spot, but with a choke. Lashley killed him for eons and did a palm strike before a break. I like them bringing up how smart it is to do that to avoid an injury.

A tractor ad aired. A TOP SPEED OF 7.5 MILES PER HOUR. FUCK YOU, JOHN DEERE! Lashley did Taz-esque crossfaces against the ropes. The peak of Lashley's charisma here was him saying LET'S GO EY! Bobby Lashley, MMA star doing a bearhug is a fail. EY hits a flying forearm and hits a really bad flying dropkick with the back bump landing for 2. EY avoided the powerslam, hit a piledriver, but King and MVP prevented the win with the elbow. EY takes a great bump for the spear and loses after the powerslam. Why did it take three guys to win that match when Lashley dominated 99.9% of it? Kenny ripped some of the beard off. Aries tried to save with a cane, but got destroyed. This is like July-September of the NWO beatdowns in one night.

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WWE SD 5-22-14

The satellite version of the show hit super-early, so we get to see the announcers come out. JIMMY HART! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS, HULK HOGAN IS IN A WWE RING! I love Cole and JBL clapping for him - makes it seem like a bigger deal. Hogan pimps Legends House and Duggan's YOOOOO. Or Hoooooo! This was just a WWE Network plug, but a smart one. Dolph's up to face Batista in a no holds barred match. This should be fun! Batista went for a tackle in the barricade, but missed - I'm amazed to see him do stuff like that on his way out. Dolph's attacking with a chair. Batista on the way out winds up caring so much more - it's odd. Dolph hits a short fameasser that looks better than the Henry one. JBL says this win would be an upset for Dolph...yup! JBL burying Cole for "not working" was hilarious, as was Cole saying "I had 500 pounds of men on top of me!"  Dolph counters a Batista bomb on the steps, on the floor, IN THE SECOND MATCH OF SMACKDOWN, with a low blow. Fameasser attempt on the steps results in Dolph appearing to sprain an ankle on the landing. Throws him in and kills him with the Batista Bomb. BO-LIEVE! Bellas face the Dactyls with Summer as the ref. Why are two face teams having a match with a heel ref? Why isn't any of this being explained? Cameron wins with a cradle and a fast count from Summer. This might make sense when it airs on Total Divas, but it makes no sense now.

Bo's titantron is amazing, with ship launches and skies all around. His theme is glorious too. Bo is the fattest 217 pounder in human history. His BO-LIEVE stuff got no reaction. He's facing Sin Cara. Nice lariat from Bo. Run up the buckle bulldog is his finisher...really now!? Good God this was just not good. Bo's victory lap did him no favors with the slow-mo jelly rolls. Bray cuts a promo on the Usos, who his team will face later. Alberto faces Sheamus with Heyman and Cesaro on commentary. Cesaro said he's a better U.S. Champion than Sheamus ever was. Well, he was over and had a great act then, so yeah. Sheamus and Alberto had a match, and Cesaro caused a DQ by attacking Sheamus and hitting a Neutralizer on the floor. The best thing ever happened afterwards - Cesaro took Sheamus's limp hand and shook it! Rose was wacky with Vickie. Usos came out with Cena in their corner. Cole kept trying to get Bray-washed over as a thing. STOP DOING THAT. Nice running dropkick by an Uso onto Rowan. Cena was a great cheerleader. Great spot with an Uso ducking a lariat for the assalanche, but then eating a boot. Bray tosses an Uso off the top leading to a DQ. Cena leaves the family laying and...yeah that was a show.

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Monday, May 19, 2014

Raw 5-19-14

Raw is taped from England and begins with Bray singing and the whole crowding singing along - well that rules. I love the visual of the Wyatts with the phone lights behind them. Bray is cutting a goddamned great promo right now - he's an amazing storyteller on the mic. He says his tongue is the scorpion's tail and he gives fans hope to those who oppose Cena, who hides behind HIS PLASTIC SMILE! Cena attacks from behind and AAs Bray. FROM BEHIND!? What a coward! Cena-Harper is later - yay! Steph-Bryan recap. Okay, so the story is that Kane attacked Bryan - why do we not know about the nature of the attack? Surely IF THIS WAS REAL, Bryan would have told Brie, who would have at least tweeted about it. Maybe she's a stockholder and was more concerned about that then her husband. They teased an announcement about the title later.

Cesaro and Heyman are out. I want Cesaro's jacket. Heyman broke down the wrestling business with THE STARS BEING WORSHIPPED and the fans just being wannabes. I love Cesaro's mild look of disgust when he said Brock's name. Heyman got heat wishing death upon the Queen and comparing his prone form on the mat to THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA. Sick burn there. Heyman said Cesaro would immasculate Sheamus tonight. Sheamus and Cesaro had a fun match. Sheamus hit a nice flying knee in the corner to Cesaro - nice bit of new offense there. They came back after a missed rope bodyblock from Sheamus with him locked in a sleeper. DEADLIFT FLOATOVER SUPERPLEX got 2. That should really be a finish - if they're making a German a finisher, MAKE THAT ONE. I would love a best of nine million series between these guys. Love the clubbering here. Uppercut out of the battering ram gets 2.9! Cesaro gets the win thanks to a distraction German suplex. Sheamus congratulated him on the win and then Cesaro avoided the handshake slyly. Evolution-Shield was made a no holds barred elimination match - YAY! Shield-Evolution recap from last week.They show Roman's nasty cut without a warning. We got the slice without a warning, but STITCHES BEING SHOWN results in a disclaimer. How odd.

DID YOU KNOW THE WWE APP HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED AN ASTONISHING 12 MILLION TIMES!? AND THAT POWERSAUCE IS AMAZING!? Beat the Clock tourney is announced with no hype. Big E gets a jobber intro against Ryback. YA KNOW WHO'S BIGGER THAN BIG BEN!? THE BIG GUY!  Guys did moves and JBL spoke German. Big Goldberg chant. JBL referenced BARRY HOROWITZ in 2014. Cole basically called Rey a midget and buried JBL for losing to him in 16 seconds. This went on for 4 minutes before the Meathook - felt like so much longer. Big Ending gets the win in 5:02. Hell of a tourney - every match will be at most 5 minutes long. This IC Title must be really important. What about Playing House is supposed to be funny?

Xavier Woods did a Performance Center tour with Special Olympians, including THE ASCENSION. Why even bother debuting them if you're going to have them break character before the debut? They also had Cole voice this over WHILE XAVIER WAS TALKING, making it impossible to hear Woods. Truth has the Funkadactyls, I guess due to Woods. Or because they're all black and WWE just wants to stick them all together. Cole and JBL bicker like old people about Fandango and Layla. Fandangoing is over again. Summer came back in a nice zebra dress. Summer attacked and she kissed Fandango. I thought this would be a face turn for them, but nope, Fandango's just a heel still and we got no match. Why? Each guy is there and able to wrestle. Bo-lieve debuts on SD...where they can throw in a reaction.

You'll never guess, BUT WWE BRAGGED ABOUT SOMETHING. Total Divas returns for season 3 in September. IT WILL BE AN UNPRECEDENTED SEASON 3...Wouldn't that apply for season 2? Steph came out to Bryan's music doing the yes bit. Steph hyped up Bryan's wedding on Total Divas this Sunday, and how Bryan's chant inspired "professional sports leagues" - shouldn't WWE count as that in some pretend capacity?  She dared to nearly rip off BAD NEWS BARRETT! Thankfully, it led to a BAD NEWS BARRETT montage. And then a very bad BAD NEWS impression. Steph said she may strip Bryan of the title and give it to Kane. Or Barrett. Or THE GAME, THE KING OF KINGS! Steph's rack is out of this world tonight. She hopes he gives up the title on Raw because it's what's best for business. And FANDANGO-TRUTH WASN'T!?

THE UNION JACKS RETURNED! Lana's ass came out. She got heat saying Russia will take over England and Rusev got his own custom graphic style now. Rusev's gear now has gold trim instead of white. How dare the Payback logo cover Lana's cleavage. Rusev killed 3MB. I still don't care about him. Lana though? Oh yeah. Roman showed off his cool stitches while hoping and praying that wasn't Evolution's best. AWESOME.

FORMER WORLD AND WWE CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO GETS A JOBBER INTRO IN A 5 MINUTE IC TITLE BATTLE ROYAL!  THE FUTURE OF OUR PLANET DEPENDS ON ALBERTO DEL RIO HIM BEING THE CHAMPION. I now love Alberto. JBL talked about each guy being a former world champ. Boy did the first feud between these guys kill each one dead. RVD LEFT THE COMPANY AFTER IT. Guys did moves for a while. Love each guy selling a 20 minute war at the 3:30 mark. RVD won with a cradle after Alberto got a 2 with one earlier. RVD won at 4:15. HOW COULD THEY NOT GO WITH 4:20 FOR RVD?! Come on, make this thing at least amusing for a second. RVD's face in the graphic is just amazing.

They hyped up NXT Takeover by just showing a graphic for Kidd-Neville If you're going to mention NXT, WHY NOT SHOW A HIGHLIGHT REEL TO ACTUALLY GIVE PEOPLE A REASON TO CARE!? Why would anyone naturally tune in for a Tyson Kidd match? The guy isn't even a jobber on Raw, Main Event, OR SUPERSTARS! Cena cut a generic promo with Renee saying he's got the Usos on his side. Cena brought up Bray having the whole area behind him at ER. Oh yeah, and a kid. Boy that went nowhere. Cena and the Usos beat their chest ala Wolf of Wall Street and Cena put over the US-O bit. Evolution promo. This Batista cosplayer is just terrible.

Rollins-Batista is up with HHH as the guest ring announcer out of nowhere. God, this got tired in '01. Why do this if you're not going to hype it? Orton's the timekeeper. Seth brought out Ambrose and Reigns as guest commentators, since they could only have officials out why do this then if you're just going to make the odds as even as they'd have been before? I love the COO having NO POWER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I guess only HHH in a suit is the COO. HHH in jeans and a shirt is THE GAME, THE KING OF KINGS HHH. Ambrose is great on commentary. So Reigns beat up Maddox or something and we didn't even get a skit? Boo! Brad apparently made them the commentators or something. RUNNING BASEMENT DROPKICK FROM BATISTA. Amazing! Batista can still do stuff, but the "music between the notes" just doesn't work as well anymore. Ambrose said Roman's mom hit him harder when he was a kid, which Roman confirmed...well that's sad. Batista did a running back elbow and Seth took a flip bump for it - God bless him. HHH looks so old with the shaved head. Blockbuster from Rollins! SLINGBLADE FROM SETH! Flying knee gets 2.9! HHH threw Seth off the top and a brawl broke out. Orton hit Reigns with a chair, while Dean ran across the tables and hit a double axe handle wildly to Orton. HHH punched Seth and it resulted in a DQ. They all brawled and brawled. Reigns got the spear on Batista! Evolution left and...there's still another hour left!? Oh yeah, Cena-Harper.

Recap of Paige-Fox with Fox going nuts! YAY! JBL pointed out the idiocy of Paige coming to say hi to AJ in her gear. Love Paige's smaller shorts. The other commentators buried Jerry for showing up so late to the arena and missing the production meeting. Paige Turner counter got 2 this time. Alicia won after a mafia kick in the ropes. 3 count was wonky and the finish looked bad. Alicia took a crown and declared herself to be THE QUEEN! She spilled a fan's soda on herself too. King hoped it was a soda and not alcohol. Paige lost in her home country in her WWE debut there. WWE's gotta be starting the Bury a Star program soon. Wacky Wyatt promo.

Henry-Dolph's up for the beat the clock challenge. They fucked up a fameasser terribly. It looked like Henry hit a shitty back suplex catch counter, but nope - he stayed down for 2. Yikes. More 20 minute selling at the 3 minute mark. Zig Zag hits, but Dolph can't get the win in time - so RVD wins this nothing challenge. RVD came out and got Bull Hammered. HE'S AFRAID HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! RVD has to fight him for the IC Title. Barrett said that RVD beat the time tonight, BUT ENGLAND SETS THE TIME FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD! YAY NEW ENGLISH LEAD BABYFACE BAD NEWS BARRETT! He went out to Bulldog's theme too.

Recap of Steph saying words earlier. Adam Rose came out. And a penguin is now there. They're trying to get hashtags over. THE CROWD SANG THE THEME, so he actually seemed like a star. Adam said HELLO LONDON! Adam talked about Ethan the Cheeseburger - HE'S GOT SESAME SEEDS ON HIS BUNS! Ryder the Bunny is stealing the show. Zeb came down and referenced the 1969 WOODSTOCK REJECTS in the ring. BIGG HOSS VS. THE BIG BUNNY! Zeb challenged Adam. Ryder the Bunny is stealing the show. I would rather see that than Swagger honestly. Tonight, everything about this worked. Minus the promo stuff going a wee bit long, but overall, it worked. HOGAN WILL BE ON SD! I would prefer Hogan on Main Event than SD.

Wyatts came out with the lights again. That is so awesome. Stuff happened until a break. Harper threw some nice punches, while Cena mixed up the five knuckle shuffle by just doing it and not being all wacky after the protobomb. HARPER THREW A DROPKICK! SUICIDE DIVE! I love the idea of them being on the compound and Bray spreading the message on Twitter while Harper looks up classic wrestling on Youtube. Cena hit a really sloppy jumping tornado DDT off the top. CENA HIT A RANA AND THEN HARPER HIT A SUPERKICK! This match is a blast. Harper hit a corner Burning Hammer-setup torture rack neckbreaker for 2 - that's new! Cena hit a huge Hansen lariat to Harper! Cena countered a sunset flip with an STF. Everyone brawled with Bray in the ring. Shouldn't some of this be a DQ or a no contest or something? Michinoku Driver got 2! Rowan hit a bodyblock for a DQ. Bray hit the Abigail on Cena for the post-match and the snapping catch ones to the Usos were amazing. The fans sang the song without any prompting. This was amazing. They did a wacky irish whip into a Rowan fallaway slam ONTO THE STEEL...that was covered by a tarp. So it didn't even make a cool noise. Abigail on the ramp. WHY IS CENA TAKING BUMPS ON METAL!? Moreover, why is he doing it when it's not even making a cool noise.

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Total Divas 5-18-14

These reviews will now be exclusive to Rant Lifestyle -

HOWEVER, the images will be on the blog!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

TNA Book Cover

If you're a Facebook friend of mine, or a viewer of the May DVDVR Photo thread, you know I've got a book cover planned...and it's probably not going to fly as a basic screenshot. What I'm going to do is upload the photo here so I can edit it in my ColorBook app and make it less "blatant TNA screen" and more of an artist's rendition of one.

Friday, May 16, 2014

WWE SD 5-16-14

Usos vs. Rhodes Bros. starts off the international version. This should be a lot of fun. Cody's back is all bruised up. JBL talked about Goldust's history in teams, like BOOKDUST! God they ruled. I like Cody using a lot of punches and hard body shots - it adds some edge to his character, which he needs since he looks 15. JBL talking about the Usos being fighting champions would be a far better point if this was actually at title match. Nice snapping splash from Goldust to prevent an Uso tag - it's amazing to see him dash around there at his age. An Uso superkick hits for the dive and the win. A Bryan injury video airs, which will likely start the US version off. Cena's out - yup, this will definitely start the US version off. Cena cut a promo on Bray and his lack of MARBLES! Instead of singing "he's got the whole world in his hands, he should be singing he's got no pearls in his pants!" - should've just done that. He accepted the last man standing match and challenged any Wyatt family member.

HEATH'S GOING TO FACE TORITO! Heath got the lead, then he held Torito for his Scrappy punches. Hornswoggle came in and accidentally gored Heath. Shield-Evolution video. Paige hype video showed her crying over the title win. I'm sure JBL will mock her for that. Nattie's facing Nattie with Eva as the ref. Nikki turned a surfboard into a pin for a win. This was nothing. Dolph tweeted about Batista, who got a match against him. Dolph's bumping around like a champ for Batista. Low blow gives Dolph a win. Batista bomb to the barricade. This was fun. Titus and Sheamus had a verbal scuffle, with Titus saying he shouldn't be US Champion because he's not from the U.S. Titus demanded that the bell be rung, it was, and Sheamus kicked him for the instant win. Adam Rose's cheeseburger declared himself to be delicious and Rose said he wanted Zebby and Jacky to be fun! Sandow faced Santino, who beat him with the cobra. Sandow talked about being a good soldier and then lambasted a guy for keeping his mic on, so it was turned off. Sandow the Shooter sucks. Cesaro squashed Truth. Oh lord, Bray chose Rowan to face Cena. WHY NOT HARPER, WHY!? They had a basic match, Rowan escaped the STF, but lost to the AA. This was a show.

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Thursday, May 15, 2014

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-15-14

EY and his five head and homeless look were were backstage talking to some dude. EY threatened vengeance on MVP, who had security protect him. MVP came out looking like a star. They recapped last week's angle with an excellent video package - it actually made the attack seem important! It also showed EY beating dudes and surviving. This was far better than watching it unfold "live" last week. EY in his jeans and $10 Wal-Mart shirt, goofy music, and comic book tron hit the ring. EY said he promised to be a fighting champion and he was, and that this kinda stuff wouldn't happen on his watch. If MVP wanted his title, he'd have to take it! MVP said that EY's the patsy - and that DEFINITIVE POWER lied with the TNA WORLD TITLE! "Money, power, respect is the key to life!" viva 1997! MVP said he respected EY and would allow him to keep the title for a few more weeks. The crowd clapped, with ADR boos added in. EY challenged MVP tonight, and MVP said no way - he'd have to get through his security first. Dixie and Spud, driving with a soft collar and his bowtie ala Gertner. A DIXIE FEARS BULLY table was on her lawn. At least it wasn't in the form of a cross, or on fire. WILLOW FACES MAGNUS AND BRAM NEXT! But first, THE HISTORY OF BRAM! Honestly, he carries himself like more of a menacing act than Magnus does. Willow cut an annoying promo with a cockney accent.

Willow and Magnus brawled backstage. Willow slid off the railing steps into a double sledge to Magnus. Bram's gear looks a bit cheap, but he's got a good overall look. Heels are being nice and tagging in and out of this. Actually, it does make sense for each guy to want to rest up a bit before kicking ass. Whisper in the Wind from Willow. Tenay hyped up the Bellator PPV by saying the interim title match is Chandler against the season nine winner. Hardy's cartwheel...punch looks worse than Kelly Kelly's handspring elbow. Crotch-lifting brainbuster from Bram. Bram rolled in a pry bar, while Magnus said HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE DQed. Willow won with a flash cradle, so..yeah, he should've just knocked him the fuck out then. So they debut as a team and are already at odds. FIRE RUSSO! Odd to lead to a Magnus face turn, but not surprising. EY met with security in front of MVP's office. MVP wasn't there, so IT WAS A SWERVE THEN! EY destroyed MVP's thrift store furniture. Fire Russo.

Spud's in a red, white, and blue lightning bolt suit. Dixie got a call with PERFECT AUDIO QUALITY in speaker mode. Gail cut a promo on the BPs, and Angelina praised for being a "WRESTLER - A DARN GOOD ONE AT THAT!" Velvet attacked from behind to set up Velvet-Gail. KAZARIAN FACES CRAZY STEVE next! Gail's bodypress took out the camera guy. Angelina attacked on the floor while Velvet distracted the ref with her tits. Velvet hit the Tiger Mask DDT for 2. That should be her finish - looks better than the In Yo Face. Velvet got a mirror because as Taz says "she gives good face". The Menagerie walked backstage - Knux now has slacks and a wacky barkers outfit.

They recapped EC3-Angle. They showed EC3 bragging about the win and beating Angle in his last match. HE HAS SACRIFICED ALL OF TNA'S LEGENDS AT HIS ALTER! Good promo. Love Kaz doing the handshake bit, then realizing there's no Daniels. This Menagerie act is a blast. Taz and Tenay pondered Crazy Steve's communication being limited to yes or no questions due to the horn. Kaz and Steve had a tremendous comedy match that involved CRAZY STEVE SPLASHING BALLOONS! Steve pantsed the ref while Rebel did stuff in the ropes and got DQed. Aries stood outside the men's room and insulted the security guys. MVP came out and had him thrown out. So Aries is a face now. Again - FIRE RUSSO!

Oh, and EY and MVP and brawling backstage before and after the break too. EY's arm got Pillmanized.  TIE CHOKING! There's a compelling story with EY's throat being attacked, as he talked about on the WOL where the Impact Zone caught fire - thank God they're not telling it here in this WORLD TITLE PROGRAM. They brawled. And brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled. Security broke it up and the crowd FINALLY reacted by wanting them to fight. They kept brawling and MVP had them hold the champ so he could kick him in the balls. Single arm DDT. MVP made the title match tonight, but not right now...for some reason. Spud and Bully had a terrible skit in the house. Last week's skits were so much more fun. Bully's just being mean here. Anderson came down and bonked his lip with the mic "meant to do that" seems like a new running gag. Storm's got a new more artsy intro with nice lighting. He at least comes off like a star with this intro. Booking...not so much.

Bellator PPV ad aired. Nothing about this card works for me. WATCH DOGS AD! Basic stuff to start the match, which had a terrible plug for the next ONS PPV. It was so badly-ADRed that Taz talked about a hold mid-sentence. Storm did a low blow and a shitty cradle with the ropes for 2 spot. God, this is like a random Coliseum Video Exclusive match. There's just nothing exciting here at all. Random fans are yelling "SORRY" throughout. Storm teased a bottle shot, but spit beer in Ken's face, kicked him and won. After Anderson's loss, they recapped Anderson-Shaw from Sacrifice. This led to a wacky skit with him in a "padded room" asking for Christy.

Three-way X Title match is up. Oh yeah, this is a thing. More training with Sanada! They showed him watching blurred Muta matches on a blurred Apple laptop. DJZ came out looking like a glorious douchebag. Uno, not the champion, got streamers and confetti. It's amazing that after Okada and Tanahashi, Seiya Sanada has been booked better than any Japanese wrestler in TNA history. They said that being the X Champion was very important - you can cash in the title for a World Title shot if you don't mind slumming it until the summer. I like the visual of this match going on with confetti all over it. During this nice little match, they kept annoyingly talked about Bully-Dixie. Z screamed during the rolling cradle! These guys are having quite the fun little match here. Taz praised Sanada for having giant hands, while Tenay hyped up him being a baseball player before getting into the New Japan dojo. Spinning clusterfuck off the ropes to the floor from Uno kinda-sorta hit DJ Z. Big Steamboat flying chop hit DJZ and Sanada won with the Tiger suplex. Sanada is being booked so well, it's amazing. OH GOD MORE STUFF WITH BULLY AND DIXIE! Bully said it's a shame Dixie's now all alone...well that was dark, and man does Dixie look old in these outdoor skits.

The Shaw skits resumed with Gunner there because "you just need someone to talk to.". Poor Gunner. Now he's saddled with this dude. Recap of Angle-EC3 again. Dixie entered her home with a poker. Spud was tied up and then Bully revealed himself behind a door. Bully Rapey - no buys. Bully said all he wanted to hear was that she feared him, so she started to say it and then EC3 attacked and she said SHE FEARS NO ONE. They said she HAD A PLAN THE WHOLE TIME! And...yeah that was goofy. Less goofy than Kane-Bryan, but still goofy. MVP-EY is up next. EY-Roode recap aired showing the Roode-MVP issues. He was suspended indefinitely on Twitter, which was brought up here. EY came out first, which led to Tenay saying it was just MVP being disrespectful. EY attacked MVP when he was being cocky and choked him with the shirt - nice callback to before. MVP attacked the arm. "He's like a shark who smells blood." Don't they usually go for their prey immediately? Not an hour later? At 10:50 they went to a slow-paced break. Yarg. A James Hetfield ad for Guitar Center aired. Amazingly, there have been zero sex toy ads on this show! MVP's classing up the joint! "During the commercial break, MORE OF THE SAME!" The match actually began at 9:55 - oh God why? I already don't want to see it continue. MVP locked on an armbar neck crank. This is so boring. EY's doing a great job fighting back with one arm in a somewhat realistic manner - never using the bad arm for anything. Kenny King attacked EY in jeans and a shirt. King laid EY out with whatever his F5>Rock Bottom is called. MVP demanded a restart after this led to a DQ. Ref said no. This just refuses to end. They just keep doing stuff. Tenay's "it just doesn't make sense, BUT WHAT HAS MADE SENSE THE LAST FEW WEEKS!?" sums things up nicely. Lashley attacked EY too. This was the most boring, nothing debut of a lead heel faction ever. Lashley hit a powerslam through two chairs and MVP held the title up - so EY's retaining at the PPV. Taz's "This is bad, THIS IS BAD!" ruled. They oddly showed clips of next week's show after this one, really stupid if you're going to pretend it's live.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

WWE Main Event 5-13-14

Renee Young and PAUL HEYMAN are starting off Main Event. I'd have hyped a Heyman promo up beforehand. Love the never-ending mention of the streak being conquered, and using it against the people for being in denial about history. Sheamus threatened violence, and Heyman scolded him for assaulting him in front of a lady! Heyman yelled at Sheamus to hit him...and then Paul left right before the count ran down. Cesaro attacks with the Neutralizer. Fuck. Cesaro just might be losing this. Dolph faces Sandow next, for some reason. They recapped the idiocy of Damien as Magneto. Oh yeah, Dolph was in there. They had a match after Damien "had his mic cut.". Can they come up with a new way to get that point across? It was stupid eons ago on Impact with VKM, and it's dumb now. Dolph damn near sent himself over the top just hopping up for the super-fast mounted punches - SLOW THE FUCK DOWN dude. Educator from Sandow! Zig Zag gets the win. They hyped up Shield-Evolution for Paybck with some sleek graphics.

Emma came out and a fat guy in a pink shirt danced. Crowd death here. Alicia Fox came out...didn't she quit on the app? They seem to be doing some NXT divas vs. WWE divas or something. She grabbed a mic - oh good. ANOTHER SHOOTER GIMMICK. At least Alicia ditched the WWE logo on it. Then she bonked Emma with the mic. They're doing the same pre-match beating>ref asks if the face can continue gimmick. Alicia countered the Emmamite sandwich with feet to the gut - so she's prepared for her three spots. Emma got a flash schoolgirl and won. Alicia is getting over more with losing, and by accident, than most WWE acts do on purpose with wins. She went to Chimel, said I LOVE THIS MAN, and slapped him. THEN SHE SANG WE ARE FAMILY and demanded wallets! Alicia singing and holding up the commentators = buys! AND SHE'S SHUTTING UP THE COMMENTATORS! Heck of a face turn here. They went backstage and had Sheamus say words - BOO! We got a tale of the tape for Cesaro-Sheamus - nice touch! Bryan's drama last night was recapped. The state of the title will be brought up on Raw - so they're wisely waiting until after the operation to make a move on it, and that plays into the angle nicely since Steph's at least acting nice on the surface.

Sheamus-Cesaro is up with Sheamus coming out. Cesaro has a new white jacket with black towel that looks pretty swank. Sheamus and Cesaro had a really fun European uppercut exchange - Sheamus doesn't usually bust those out, so this was nice to see. Sheamus is now "The Dublin Brawler". Fantastic Heyman facepalm during the clubbering. RUNNING YAKUZA KICK from Cesaro in the corner! Nice it's like a standing face wash! Rolling fireman's carry hits, still called a rolling senton despite not being a senton. Cloverleaf gets countered into a small package for 2. I could really get behind this as a World title program - shame it's stuck in the WWE Title, giving them one less possible drawing card for a PPV. Brogue countered into the German suplex for 2! Neutralizer avoided, turned into White Noise for 2.9! Sheamus hit an ugly crossbody off the top. Daring move that made the match seem like a big deal, but too scary to watch him do regularly. They brawled INTO THE UNIVERSE for a double countout. As a main  event finish, this sucked, but neither guy could lose - and they kept brawling. Sheams got hit with a chair from Heyman, but then hit Cesaro with the kick - so the face kinda sorta won here.

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Monday, May 12, 2014

Raw 5-12-14

The Chi-Town Rumble is the pre-pre-show show. Shockingly, Flair-Steamboat is still amazing. Meltzer's mullet is nearly as good as the match. I've never seen the post-match stuff before. Magnum's in tears after the match, and I love Steamboat in the back with champagne. Love the champagne bath. Steamboat's blown away by it. Pre-show hypes up an SD rematch with Cena and the Usos against the Wyatts. Kofi beat Titus for Superstars. Sandow came out being happy he isn't dressed as a super villain. HE'S SHOOTING on Jimmy dressing like a Valentine's card for 30 years. They killed his mic. This is goofy, and he's wearing his silly shirt. Negative buys. They begged everyone WATCHING THE NETWORK to have their friends join. Booker hyped up King Booker and Riley...HEY YOU CAN GET THE NETWORK. Loved Riley saying watch Capital Punishment - well it was the peak of his career. HYPED FACE PROMO from Cena and the Usos. Sin Cara's facing Drew. Recap of Bryan-Brie from Raw. God, I hope Bryan doesn't get stripped of the title tonight with THIS as his "top guy" program. Sin Cara beat Drew.

Battle royal recap video starts the show. They showed the Shield mid-ring, then went to a 3/4 angle. Well, that was a weird transition from camera angles. Nice intense promos from Ambrose and Rollins. "You aight big man!?" led to Reigns just shaking and cutting a great promo too. Loved him saying that what they did to him wasn't enough. A BLACK LIMO showed up on the tron , so the Shield ran to the back. HHH was given a lot of paperwork...for some reason. That's just bad timing, and sure enough, a brawl broke out. Love HHH showing up late as the COO. RVD's out in a kick-ass black and orange singlet to face Swagger.

Zeb cut a promo on THE ENGLISH ADAM ROSE WHO SIPS ENGLISH. Or tea. A wigger sign made TV that could be easily mis-read. Adam Rose came down and Cole talked about BEING A ROSE PETAL. JBL corrected him. They're killing him. RVD hits a superkick and wins with the frog splash. This was stupid on many levels. RVD's a big fan of the drug party. Cole kept talking about HOW COOL AND FUN it was. A Paige music video aired of sorts. This feels like 10:30 filler stuff and it's only 8:20. She's got a match next.

Yet another BoLieve video. Alicia and her giant naval cut a promo on Paige not fitting it. Paige is hated by the divas now...for reasons that have never been explained on-air before. Alicia beat her up and it did get a PAIGE chant. I love that one-hand backbreaker into an apron toss spot. Fox is shining here. Fox did a nice surfboard with boots to the back instead of the hamstring. Paige turned Alicia's side headlock into a Paige Turner - nice! This was the best thing they've done with Paige yet. Alicia tore up the announce table and then...sprayed an energy drink on the fans! Alicia stole JBL's hat and the show! OH GOD A BRIE-BRYAN RECAP! Bryan speaks next. It's either about his neck or this angle, so I'm not looking forward to it either way.

Big yes chant for Bryan when he came down with his belts. He talked about having an uphill battle since winning the title at Summerslam, and the huge yes chants making him feel like Cena. He talked about having a target on his back and getting the worst beating of his life taking three tombstones. Oh yeah, the tombstones. Totally forgot about that since it really didn't matter afterwards. He talked about paying a price with his body, and unfortunately, he's got neck surgery on Thursday. Fuck. He said there's a chance his career is over, BUT IT WON'T BE! He set up his comeback with a big YES chant. This, and every WWE Title run for him has been a disaster. Odd to not just vacate the titles there, or with Steph coming out. Silly Cena-Bray recap. They aired a new video hyping up HOW AMAZING THE WWE NETWORK IS AND WHAT A GREAT VALUE IT IS WITH SHOP ZONE REWARDS!

A NEW-STYLE DID YOU NOW GRAPHIC?! WWE is the most influential sports brand on social media! So now they're a sport. They showed Cena in DC for the Komen walk. They're trying to get USO CRAZY over. Not gonna work. This is the hour 1 main event. Some good fast action with the Usos and Harper. They keep trying to get BRAYWASHED over. Senton saved Rowan from the STF. Usos saved Cena before the double dive. AA to Rowan wins. Fun, but not really essential. Bray thanked him for something and Evolution is next.

Evolution came out and Batista rambled on a bit. HHH said that their next match would have them with the gloves off. HHH THREATENED TO HUMBLE THE SHIELD! HHH promised to make an example out of Reigns. They got a boring chant at about the best time possible - the Shield immediately jumped them. Batista demanded himself against Reigns tonight. A Slam City aired...really now? After a serious angle you do that?

Total Divas were out with score cards. Nikki faces Nattie. This match is coming about due to an incident on Total Divas...which I guess is supposed to be live or something. I love that Eva Marie gets to rate holds and moves. Eva gave Nattie a 6 for a swank kick counter into a hold. Nikki went for a second-rope crossbody...thing of a bob that was just dreadful for 2. Nice bendy abdominal stretch from Nattie. "This isn't a match anymore, it's a fight!" led to a drop toehold to the ropes. Nikki won with a wacky cradle. Nattie tore up a card, and then Nikki was a complete bitch to her. Ryback came out with Axel and their new beanie...of course Ryback would get an RX beanie. Ryback faces Sheamus here. Nope. BIG GUY OUT due to a coin filp. They had a nothing match that got a boring chant before Sheamus won with the cloverleaf. THE BIG GUY ATTACKED and I think they have a match next.

Yup. Sheamus countered the meathook with the White Noise for 2. Ryback's blown up from a few minutes of action. They're selling this like it's a half-hour affair. Sheamus won the EPIC WAR with a brogue kick after like five minutes. A Network ad hyped up WHAT AN AMAZING VALUE it was and showed off the content. Sheamus-Cesaro was announced for Main Event - that should be fun. No title on the line. Steph's out. Steph came out and told Bryan to come down, then Kane put his limp body on the ramp. WHAT HAS HE DONE!? This is about as lame as when Abyss attacked RVD with Janice off-screen. Lamer, in fact - TNA at least went all the way with that. Oh God, and now Brie's acting. ISHEOKAY!? HEYISHEOKAY!?CHRISISHEOKAY!? This was stupid.

They came back and went to an ambulance with more bad acting. Sadly, Kane wasn't the driver. Fandango and Layla came out. JBL hyped up HOW EVERYONE IS FANDANGOING! They showed Summer-Fandango clips from Total Divas.AMAZED it's Dolph and not Santino. BTW, I guess Dolph's the jobber here, so he's now sub-Fandango.They did moves. No fucks were given by anyone. Layla yelled about cheating and then Fandango nearly won with a spin kick. Layla got caught in the apron and Dolph won with the Zig Zag. I pity everyone in this. They kissed and JBL ranted about cutting away. This sucked. Legends House - buy the Network to watch old guys pee in a pool.

JBL hyped up Hacksaw-Tony AND THEN HACKSAW CAME OUT! King and JBL buried Fink for being old. He cut a promo before being interrupted by RISE FOR LANA'S ASS. She called out Rusev, who seems to have no first name officially. Rusev broke the board. Big E came out to save Duggan. Oh lord, a Big E-Rusev program. Because what each guy needed was an oil and water feud.

Sandow? IT'S SHOOTING TIME! Sandow's got a mic which he said he SNUCK OUT THERE. Yup. With the big WWE logo on it. Sandow gets to face Cody...the RHODES SCHOLARS EXPLODE! JBL gave Doug Basham a happy birthday shoutout. Well that's nice of him. Crowd gave no shits about this. They did more moves. No fucks given. Magneto's now a superhero according to the announcer. JBL said Sandow made the plate in his hip move. They're now talking about JBL-Boogey, which I believe lasted less time than their referencing of it. Cody won with the kick after an eye rake. King referenced Snidely Whiplash. OH THANK GOD Roman-Batista is next.

Nope. Rowan's in the mask for a backstage promo. This program is making Bray jump the shark. Bray challenged Cena to a last man standing match. Can't wait for Cena to win with duct tape. Or a kid holding Bray down or something. Reigns is out for the main event. Cena will respond to Bray on SD.  Beardtista came out with the other guys. HHH in just jeans looks weird. Ditto Orton without the suit. Stick with a consistent look for goodness sake. Bootista chant broke out. Double dive from Ambrose and Rollins was missed by the camera guys. This led to a DQ due to a brawl on the floor. Steph as Rita is sending out the Putty Patrol. A billion guys, including Brodus, couldn't hold Reign back from spearing HHH. Shield beat up jobbers with chairs. Thank God the CURB STOMP got its name back, and Axel moved a chair in place for it. Health sold the Superman punch gloriously. Ryback ate a spear. This wasn't much of a match, but the post-match stuff will make for a fine highlight reel.

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Sunday, May 11, 2014

TNA Impact 2-28-13

Fine opening video, even if it did kind of shine a light on the wackiness on Hulk just picking Hogan after the mini-tourney dealie. I'd completely forgotten about Doc pinning Sting last week. Hulk's vague knee injury remains just as vague after Brooke talked about it for a second. So weird to see the Impact Zone again after getting used to the UK shows. Hardy's hair is quite odd - it's almost a boufant. I dig the BULLY IN LAW sign in the crowd. Bully's decided that 10 days before the PPV is the right time to have a conflict of conscience about if he's the right choice or not. Love Bad Influence interrupting the face love fest - shocked to hear Daniels talk about Hogan running lotion on Brooke. Loved Daniels' Spidey shirt - my Spidey sense is sensing a holla holla tag match. Or maybe it should be a Bully Bully one since he made it. Aces vs. Team TNA graphic looked awful - they just used basic text for TNA instead of the logo. Tara-Sky for the gold is up next, and we've got a KOs gut check later.

Sting, in full getup, met with Magnus in the regular office setting. Magnus is apparently a big fan of Sting, who always mentored him. Would've been nice to mention any of that BEFORE THIS. Tara's dark red gear rules. Tenay said that Gail was sneaky last week - BAD TENAY! Gail was fairly awful on commentary here, and between that and the crazy bullshit with Taryn and Jesse overshadowing the match, this sucked. Aries called Roode about a photoshoot and delivered exposition about them having a 3-way tag with Kaz and Daniels and the Mexicans at the PPV. This was also odd since Aries, THE FORMER WORLD CHAMPION DRIVEN BY HIS QUEST FOR THAT TITLE AGAIN, said he didn't care about matches, only photoshoots. They came back from a break and Kenny King interrupted RVD while making an apple bong, and challenged RVD, who made what seems like a title vs. X division career on free TV and not on PPV.

Aries it out to face Hernandez, back in swank Supermex gear. Tenay hyped up Bellator's app more than WWE does for their own. This was a really fun match since Hernandez is a powerhouse, Aries doesn't mind throwing himself around, and Hernandez can move really well for a guy of his age and size. Loved Aries stealing Eddie's pose, frog splash and doing the lie, cheat, and steal bit to him, then stealing his Supermex taunt after winning. Joseph Park ate some ribs, so now he knows what they are...AND THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED TO BE HIS LUNCH BY COINCIDENCE! I was shocked when Sting said "Matt"...and then it was Morgan, who turned down being in a PPV main event because it would help Hogan.

King-RVD is up next. They did some moves while Todd compared RVD to Gumby and Taz did the DAMMIT, I'M GUMBY bit. Taz talked about RVD and King being so similar. How that's the case I have no idea, and he didn't bother citing anything. RVD teased a five star, then missed a 450 for what seemed like a fucked up nearfall since King just hit his finish to win the title. Well, given the stakes, this made more sense for a PPV, but at least they'll do a rematch on the PPV and hopefully not use Earl again. Sting met with Kurt, in a new Cena/Steen style SAVE WRESTLING 2020 red, white, and blue text shirt - Kurt doesn't approve of one of the possible guys on Sting's team.

They re-showed the deal from last week and showed a grisly Hogan knee surgery scar. Garett looked very...Village People esque with a biker's vest just over his oiled chest. Knox is dressed like a biker lumberjack. Mike Knox is now just KNOX, and Sting's Squadron will face Garett, Devon, Doc, Knox, and Anderson. Devon's got a giant beard now that takes some getting used to. Loved Storm's theme cutting off Devon's "SORRY ABOUT WHAT YA DAMN FOOL" bit. LOLed at Taz talking about Magnus having so little experience compared to the guys in the ring while Garett stood in there. Defintiely wasn't expecting EY back, and I loved how Sting played off of guys' themes and nicknames in the promo. They showed Ivelise from TE's video - it was a lot like the Bellator ones they use, only a bit hokier.

They came back to the Aces being angry and Angle stalking them. The Barbarians niece is going to be Ivelise's opponent - YAY BARBARIAN ON MY TV! She...said words and they played some needlessly dramatic music for her. Ivelise cancelled her MMA fight tomorrow to do this show. Hell, why not try to make her a star on both Bellator and TNA if she can do them both. Tenay cited that this is only the second time KOs have gone for a contract, and that Taeler won BACK IN JUNE. She was "successful" and has only been on TV once in the 8 months since then. Great running rana from Ivie.  Nice win from her off a gulliotine choke. Tapa looked really rough in many ways, but Ivie looked incredible. Aries met with Hardy and wished him look - he came off as incencere, but COULD have been sincere, and I like them keeping Aries in there with the world champ in some form on TV to remind you that he isn't "just" a tag guy. AJ update is up next.

Wendy Jones, AJ's wife was shown, and his friend talked about how different he was all while using his fake name while they showed his real one on his paper clippings. This reminded me of the Roode BFG build until AJ showed up as a badass biker and rode away. "The Southern American Badass" Allen Jones.They recapped the Robbies/Spud angle. Robbie E made an apology and asked Terry to come out. He did and looked like a giant bumblebee in black pants and a yellow sweater. I wonder if bumblebees have steroids in their stingers in the UK. E asked for ONE MORE BRO OFF, BRO! Loved him dancing the car around, then leaving for the bro off, bonking Terry with the VIP picture, and running in fear when it didn't work for long. Aries met with Bully, although he neglected to mention beating him before.

Angle stalked the Aces again and found THEIR CLUBHOUSE! Loved Daniels doing a giant wacky salute, then Bully did the Gangnam Style bit after a double clothesline. Super-fun stuff. Electric chair from Bully led to the swanton and a win. Fun little match - nothing too amazing outside of the comedy though. Angle chased strippers out of the clubhouse, beat up and unmasked the VP, and got beat up by the Aces. TNA got TO THE BACK'd by Bellator.

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TNA Impact 1-17-13

After Walking Tall, it's time for Brooke to WALK DOWN THE AISLE. The show-opening vid re-re-aired Tenay calling the big guy Mike Knox, so hopefully they've figured out the name for him or not. It also brought up Hogan suspending Bully. I guess he rescinded that so he could just walk into the building at Genesis. This video also seemed to recap two months of stuff even though it was just the last week for the most part. They should've said the wedding was a match made in Hell's Kitchen. The wacky invite graphic calls him Mr. Bully Ray. Spike came in with his glasses, gave them to Bubba, and then TOMMY DREAMER SHOWED UP. He got Spike a double-small tie-dye tux. AWWW. Brooke's got the face KOs as her bridesmaids, so I guess she has no friends. Tess has a sweet mostly backless dress. Jeff Hardy, who wasn't brought up at all in the opening vid, came out. The crowd chanted that he still had it. Well, since he's only 35, that's good. Daniels and Kaz, WITH A NEW KAZAMANIA SHIRT, came out. They insulted Jeff, it led to a fight, and Storm came out to make a holla holla tag match. He can make matches now, so he should name himself the number 2 contender to the world title.

Pretty fun tag match, but nothing too special. Storm busted out a plancha. Quick Twisto won for Hardy over Kaz. Daniels hit the Angel's Wings on the belt then posed with the gold. The belt looks awesome on Daniels' shoulder. They ripped off 24 with a billion PIP windows on-screen for the Gut Check deal. Al's got a black velvet sportscoat on. Bully met with Dreamer and Spike, then Joseph Park came in and gave him some "not exactly street legal" cubans. Kay-fab. Tenay shilled the Gut Check Challenge as a way for the fans to pick a previous winner to get a shot at stardom...WASN'T THE GUT CHECK THING SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR SHOT AT STARDOM!? Brian Cage didn't get a contract, but Bradley still needs to win. Taz said no, so he had to kick out - he said he's humped so many highways, he owes some child support. That ruled. Also, the Boomstick trended worldwide and Al's wearing a purple jacket with a red shirt and black trim. Amazing. Bradley won the contract.

York came out with new silver, black, and neon green gear. Maybe he's trying out for DX. They recapped King's attack on York, which allowed this rematch to make perfect sense. Taz, who I think is a face, had no problem with King's attack on York at the PPV. York busted out a few nice clotheslines and the kneeling kicks to the face that Kawada did. They had a nice series of counters for moves, but it came off clunky due to York being so slow. King won via schoolboy with the tights. This is like the third match with that finish in a week in TNA.

Bully met with Sting to ask him to get Hogan there, "Because of what you mean to me, I'll do it". Wow. That was hilarious. Taz left to help Bully. Aries stripped his shirt off before Roode came in and they chatted about the wedding and fashion. There's a distinct homoerotic tone to this segment that is adding to the comedy. Also, Hogan was a dick to a camera guy. 

Got a huge chuckle out of Taz's PAUL SAID HE'D COME BACK IN FIVE MINUTES bit. Spike would look eons younger with some hair dye. It just seems wrong for Spike Dudley to have grey hair - facially, he looks about the same, but the grey hair ages him a lot. Bully's glad to "have his brothers here tonight". Well, if they want the Aces to look like badasses, Spike and Dreamer are great guys to beat up.  Brooke/Bully recap. Sting came out to beg Hogan to come to the wedding. Hogan came out - loved the shot of him pointing to the cake in disbelief. Hogan came out and posed...for some reason. Director missed most of it. Sting laid out a perfectly logical reason for Hogan to let Brooke get married. Loved the crowd chanting DO IT when Sting said he should trust Bully. Then he said he always does the right thing. That might've been the funniest line all year. Gail met with Taryn, who pled her case about a rematch due to Gail's foot being under the rope. SO THE PPV MATCH MEANT NOTHING. Oh well.

They aired about 30 seconds of the bachelor party. Velvet's got more holes in her catsuit - I approve. They hyped up King Mo's special after Bellator since he's a two-sport star...I guess. Bob Holly came off as more of a two-sport star than what they've done with Mo. Gail's ass-centric headscissors spot rules. Gail hit Eat Defeat, but Taryn noticed Velvet's foot under the rope this time and Velvet hit the shittiest bulldog since early Trish then a reverse DDT into the In Yo Face, before hitting...another IYF. Not sure why it took two to win, but it doesn't really matter - they kept things going towards Velvet-Tara and seem to be setting up Gail-Taryn for her first TNA match. Dixie met with Brooke and cried as if Brooke was her own child. They cried and hugged, this was adorably hilarious. WEDDING-A-MANIA IS NEXT!

They recapped the Daniels attack on Hardy from earlier, which is good because I forgot about that world title match. They've really underplayed everything but the wedding here. Roode and Aries came out to invite themselves to the wedding. They were WHY ARE CHAVO AND HERNANDEZ TAG CHAMPS? Loved Aries saying that the company's ten years in the past due to its champions, and then listing every last one of them. Well, he's right. Chavo came out to object. Aries and Roode did some race-baiting, Chavo messed up a line, and Aries saved it by demanding a vegan burrito. Looks like Roode and Aries are the next tag champs - sweet. I liked Roode saving Aries from certain death via Hernandez powerbomb.

Hogan and Sting had a heart-to-heart about Brooke, and Hogan said that the issue wasn't about Bully, it's just that he knows how the movie ends. Sting convinced him, reluctantly. Dreamer came out with Tessmacher - VINTAGE WWE ECW! Runt came out with Mickie's cleavage. Those bridesmaids dresses rule. Taz appears to be gigantic. Bully's giant Joker grin here rules. Kenely called Bully's friends the EXTREME GROOMSMEN! Brooke's dress is quite cleavagey. The Bellator countdown clock is really killing my enjoyment of this. Loved one guy going GET ON WITH IT! Of course, the vows led to a huge YES chant. Bully's I do was the creepiest thing in human history. TAZ unveiled his vest. YES, HE'S OFF COMMENTARY. Also, he's a biker now. Doc and Knox grabbed Brooke while she struggled to keep her top on. This greatly exceeded expectations.

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TNA Impact 1-10-13

Okay, this Joe Schmo reboot seems awesome based on the last 5 minutes of it. Loved the intro vid showing Hardy's WTF IS THIS SHIT look at the wrestler of the year trophy. Also, THEY UNVEILED A FAMILIAR FACE KNOWN AS MIKE KNO...for some reason, the X was nixed from the audio. Sting started the show coming out with Angle and Joe, whose new shirt has green and yellow in it for some reason. Loved Taz calling them a group in bad moods with bad attitudes made me LOL. Loved Sting cordially inviting the Aces to COME GET SOME! Angle was gravely offended at Anderson, LAST SEEN WITH THE ACES, not helping Sting and Joe. Anderson's shirt looks cheap and ill-fitting. Anderson referenced something from eons ago where he was beaten up by the Aces and Anderson acted like this was new, and they didn't show footage, so I have no idea what he's talking about. Anderson bravely talked shit despite having the odds against him before Angle attacked him. Angle-Anderson is happening. Well, that should be a good - it's impossible for those two to have a bad match. Great hype for Jay Bradley - guy looks rugged. BROOKE IS BEING TAKEN TO THE BUILDING IN A GOLF CART! Holy shit, tremendous!

Ion gets no intro, while King gets a full one. X Tourney will involve the winner having two they can fill the card out. They hyped up DIXIE CARTER'S TWITTER and the PPV schedule change. King beat Ion after a bunch of flippy-dos and the Royal Flush were done. Dos Robbies dressed up like meterosexual lumberjacks and begged Tessmacher, who will team with Robbie E is she can team with Big I guess she's back to being a whore. Joseph Park is back and thankful for his partners at Park, Park, and Park for allowing him to do this...and struggle with opening a door. Tara's ass is looking better than usual, and it's mixed tag time. YAY. Turns out, she meant actually just to team with the winner of the bro-off, so she may not be a whore again. Two minutes in and we've got the pussy-pop facebuster and wedgie stinkface. Quick tag into Big Rob for a powerbomb win. Wow. That was quick. This led to an impromptu bro-off and booty-pop with Tess. That ruled. Brian Cage video was...okay. Gut Check match is next.

Both guys got jobber intros...not helping them out any there. Brian Cage has better gear, but Bradley's black trunks gear fits his working class gimmick. Loved Kenely name-dropping the NWA Heritage title. Bradley's Boomstick lariat won - good finish and I enjoyed the match. Both guys looked good and I loved Bradley dusting off his boot after kicking Cage's face off. Aces had a deal, Devon let the chicks leave. I guess they were drugged beforehand to prevent them from knowing the location of the clubhouse. VP is angry at Knox, who has to prove himself tonight like Doc did. I hope he takes out Anderson. JOE PARK MEETS WITH HOGAN, YAY! They should've had him come in on one of those golf carts.

He requested that Hogan come down. LOVED Joseph saying he has no idea what's going on in TNA. Hogan gave Park his match with THOSE ACES AND 8S HOOLIGANS! Yes. Other than Hogan looking a billion giving Park a post-promo look of approval, this was fun. Brooke Hogan is dressed like a blueberry to confront her dad. Oh boy. Brooke...waited for her theme to hit before coming out. I guess this wasn't all that urgent then. She asked if he'd reinstate Mark, he said no, so she acted sad. Aries and Roode argued over clothing and mentioned how much more durable their shirts are since Hogan's since his shirts were so easy to rip. These two have AWESOME chemistry as a team. B4B for Genesis package was pretty good and built on the skit nicely by adding a serious edge to things. A Double-R came out for the tag match. I guess the Aces deal is the real main event.

Digging Aries' new white, blue, and black camo gear and him finding a way to plug his merch in a way that actually fits his character. Same with Roode - they're just trying to outdo each other in every way...including merch sales. LOLed at the camera guy walking into the set before Storm's intro. Tenay talking about Hardy's history of over 20 titles, including world titles in WWE in '08 and TNA's in 2010 was great. Aries bouncing around for everything rules. This match is a ton of fun - and Aries being hung upside down on the ropes is just the right kind of funny. This was a really good match that focused on beating up Hardy, leading to a tag for Storm, before Bad Influence came out and Aries hit Hardy with the title. Loved Roode and Aries snatching Hardy's belts from one another. Brooke talked to Mark and told him to just pick her up outside the office. I guess the one she got golf carted to earlier. Angle-Anderson is next, so now, I guess the Brooke stuff ends the show.

The Organ and Morgan cut a super-oily promo They also got beat up from behind by the face tag champs. PPV now has a KOs gauntlet along with the X deal, and Park-Devon. Wow. Just no build for that specific match at all. Another good Hardy-Aries hype vid. It really sucks to see Hardy say he's willing to hurt himself and then realize how shit the buyrate's gonna be. Anderson came sauntering out like a bad-ass. Couldn't even intimdate a kid dressed as Spider-Man. Despite Anderson seemingly joining a group out to destroy the company, TNA was still nice enough to set his mic drop up for him. Loved one guy doing the KENNEDY bit here. He weighs in tongiht at an ASTONISHING 225 POUNDS...covered by a T-Shirt. It is so depressing to see Anderson in his mid-indy show battle royal getup in a TV main event. LOLed at a guy warning Kurt about cursing during his promo. Mike Kno(maybe x) attacked Angle's neck with a hammer before Wes, Garett, and Joe came down.

FKA Knox was called THAT GUY WITH THE BEARD! Sting's apparently seen JUST ABOUT ENOUGH as Angle's wheeled out. Sting demanded KNOX. Okay, so I guess his name is Knox. Now they're back to calling him THAT BIG MAN. Sting basically squashed Knox in a fine little match. The Aces' win-loss record is not looking good. Sting hit Knox with the hammer, which led to the Aces and 8s KIDNAPPING BROOKE HOGAN! Holy shit, that came out of nowhere. This feels like a book going from chapter 1 to 5. Bully made the save with a chain, so I guess this'll be what's used to get him back in. Okay - fine. THIS STILL CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Hogan, instead of being thankful to Bully for saving HIS ONLY DAUGHTER, was a complete dickhead and blamed Bully for Brooke being kidnapped. Shouldn't Hogan, as GM, be responsible in that situation? Bully said he never loved anything as much as wrestling...until Brooke came into his life. Boy, that kidnapping thing sure seemed like it didn't even happen. THEN BULLY RAY PROPOSED TO BROOKE. Holy shit this is awesome. This is like the best comedy on a wrestling show in ages. Brooke started the night in a golf cart, got kidnapped, got engaged, and is getting married in a week. This is just hilarious stuff. Go Brooky Ray! This angle is like something out of Final Fight, but with Haggar being played by Hogan as THE grumpiest human being ever. I cannot wait for the wedding - Hogan's reaction shots are gonna be gold.

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