Friday, November 28, 2014

WWE SD 11-28-14

Mizdow has Big Show as their guest to start the show. Bryan interrupts and makes Ryback-Rollins and Dolph-Harper in an IC Title rematch. He then makes a battle royal for the U.S. Title and puts Show and Mizdow in it - so he rewards guys for being pricks with a U.S. Title shot. Battle royal's up and it's just an abandon ship version until Swagger backdrops Cesaro out and he gets superkicked off the apron. Merchandiser Kane handed out $30 T-shirts randomly while wearing a Daniel Bryan winter hat and scared Santino. Bray rambled for a while. Nikki beat Emma in no time and AJ came down to confront her and the heels ran. Seth-Ryback has way too much selling from Ryback. Merchandiser Kane came down for a DQ. Kane hit him with a chair to set up THE DREADED CHAIRS MATCH!

Axel and Slater Gator faced The New Day. What an ungodly horrible name for a team, which is ironic given the choir theme. Big Ending/flying DDT finish from Xavier's good, even if it is just a glorified Snapshot. Raw recap led to Renee's hair extensions interviewing Bryan. Show ass-kicking recap. Dolph-Harper is the main event. They have an okay little match that ends via countout when Dolph superkicks Harper on the floor, and then he lays him out mid-ring with a Zig Zag. Okay show, but nothing really essential beyond maybe the New Day, and I'm sure that'll get rematched on Raw.

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Monday, November 24, 2014

WWE Raw 11-24-14

 Sting gets a new logo and NCIS has a corpse being shot out of a torpedo tube! Raw starts with a fantastic Sting tron and... THE AUTHORITY STARTING THE SHOW WITH A PROMO! Wasn't last week THE LAST RAW THEY COULD EVER APPEAR ON if they lost? Steph says their team would've won IF IT WASN'T FOR ONE MEDDLING MAN! STING! HHH called the fans BULLIES! HHH's head folds are something else. HHH goes on about supply and demand and commerce for some reason. HHH says that Sting came back JUST TO STAND IN THE RING WITH HIM FOR 30 SECONDS. He rambled on more about things and got a boring chant. More rambling about The Authority being responsible for everything. "What are you going to do when Raw isn't on?" Watch football? OH MY GOD! IT'S THE REGIONAL MANAGER OF WHOLE FOODS! Daniel Bryan is back and he YESed them in the ring, on the floor, AND up the ramp. That ruled.

Bryan's running the show tonight and Seth's not amused. Team Authority, or as Cole called them THE LOSERS came out. Bryan made Seth and 2 partners against Cena and Dolph. Bryan didn't name the partners, but did make the parings. Henry and Harper, Henry and Kane, and NOBLE AND MERCURY! The true unsung heroes of the Authority angle! Bryan talks to Kane about Dr. Shelby - him as Director of Operations made him go off that path...and hey, he's in charge...hmm... At 8:24, Bryan started teasing stuff for Kane - including him being the Director of Food and Beverage, and he'll be Concessions Kane. It's so weird to see Kane be a human being. Bryan talked about Rusev and his anti-USA stuff. Bryan teased a company-wide battle royal for the title OR he can recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Why can't I vote for a battle royal? Rusev as a comedy act isn't going to work for him right now. Bryan talked to Harper about J and J security helping him win the IC Title, and giving Ambrose a title shot. When it came to Henry, A BIG GUY asked him for some help. So we get Ryback-Henry or as Bryan calls him THE RYBACK! He's in charge and THAT'S WHAT I DO! FROM BEHIND, here comes the babyface to attack. They brawled for a minute before a break.

Afterwards, the bell rings so the match is on. Meathook wins after a minute. Goddamn, HHH and Steph are slow walkers - they're still backstage. Vince looks 100 here and says he's not angry - he's disappointed. Vince tells them to never be sorry - but he might be for having to spend Thanksgiving with them. They left in a limo...with a bumper sticker on it. We'll at least see a limo return and have it be implied that it's The Authority returning leading to something tonight.

Dean's out in a new grey and white DA sleeveless shirt. Boy are those initials a bit of good luck since he gets a distinct logo out of it. They shilled the Austin-Vince podcast after Raw and even the Bray one tomorrow. Kind of a tough match to book here because if you involve Bray for the finish and keep it on Harper, you callback to the Family really quickly. Harper doesn't really need a long run - any benefit he'll get as champ can be done with the "Former IC Champion" label. Dean works on the arm with some nice chain wrestling, but eats a chinlock after the break. Harper got some nice chops. JBL talked about HOW HORRIFIED HE IS THAT NOBLE AND MERCURY ARE TRENDING and YOU SHOULD NOT VOTE FOR THEM. I love that Henry was possibly put in 2 matches by Bryan tonight. Brawling outside led to some running cross chops and a corner forearm by Dean, but Harper counters the bulldog. Trapped dropkick rules. He goes for it again after more chops and punches, but eats a Black Hole Slam for 2. Backslide out of the Liger bomb for 2. JBL and King completely no-sold Cole trying to get them to care about Roman. Flying standing elbow kinda hits for 2. Harper's European uppercut leads to the rebound lariat from Dean for 2. Harper grabs the belt to leave, but eats a dive. Harper shoved Dean into the ref for a weak DQ. They do some chairs, table, and ladder teasing before Bray attacks. He buries him under chairs next to the announce table. Usos doc looks awesome.
Big E New Day video...not digging this. THE STARS OF JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2 are booed before coming out. Larry's out in shorts and a Rey mask. Larry looks about 60 and an old 60. Oh great, now it's Stardust Can Fuck Off Too. He hissed and Goldust slapped him on the ass as he said he shit himself. Tag title rematch is up, or at least them facing the new champs - so not a rematch. Mizdow came down with the titles. Miz has both real belts, while Mizdow gets 2 replicas. The gold and bronze toy belt looks better than the real one. And it's not a rematch because it's just these two teams. Miz ate a reverse atomic, so Mizdow did one on himself too. They plugged the movie horribly. I can't wait for Jingle All the Way 3: When Christmas Broke Kayfabe starring the Christmas Creature and Xanta Klaus. Stardust hissed some more. Miz is being attended to on the floor by the doctor, which is either part of things or not. Stardust looks like a fucking candy cane with this red paint. Okay, he's doing in character bits yelling about his face, so he's fine. Mizdow gets the figure 4! They're telling the story of Mizdow sticking in this even without Miz. Miz, like many, is faking an injury to avoid watching Raw. Miz gets a blind tag, the Finale, and the win. "Daniel Bryan is running things, and that's sort of the theme of WWE 2K15!" Only not. What the game is really about is having people in charge who have no idea what to do with you.
Concessions Kane was talked down to by a cute brunette. IF EVEN A CRUMBLE OF A CHIP IS MISSING, HE'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR IT! Kane doesn't like to send the government a check as an independent contractor, so he damn sure won't like that. Rusev refused to say the anthem, leading to Bryan appearing on the tron. Bryan's chest is pale and hairy. He called out Slaughter to supervise the pledge. Sarge brought the American flag down. Sarge yells at them to do this. Isn't Rusev supposed to be doing this? I get why you'd have Lana do it though - make her look weak instead of Rusev. Rusev knocked this off quickly and yelled at Sarge. They teased Sarge-Rusev and delivered Swagger-Rusev. GO RUSEV! Beat that stupid haircut off of Swagger! Or not - ankle lock and they go to the floor, so...maybe a post-break match. Cole's rambling about stuff, so it's not going to be a match tonight.

Kane handed concessions out to random people before putting mustard on Santino and Larry rubbed the mustard on his hot dog. Sucked. Speaking of which, Rosa's out for a rematch of Fandango-Gabriel. This didn't get over before the PPV and it's not going to get over in a death slot. They're still singing his old theme - I'm not sure if this is an improvement over him not being over a lick last night or not. JBL outright said nothing exciting was going on, and won with the legdrop while the fans chanted for CM Punk. Big Show THE BIG TRAITOR is recapped and he'll be out next.

Ambrose faces Kane for...some reason tomorrow on Main Event. Show came out and said he's not a bad guy - he just made a mistake last night, and everyone's made one. He hates the Authority and forced him to do horrible things to people he loved last year. Show made a perfectly cromulent case for himself. Show says he's been sacrificing himself for 20 years for us, and we owe him one. Show raised valid cases about the fans judging him for making decisions that have great bearing on his life. He's not a traitor. He's not a shark. HE'S A MAN AND HE DESERVES RESPECT, DAMMIT! Rowan and his new wacky theme hit. Show mocked him with a baby voice for not coming out with his stuffed kitty cat. Show told him to just leave, but they brawled for a bit and Rowan took him out with bad punches and the spin kick. Handicap match rundown. I guess they kept Ryback-Henry short just in case Henry had to work twice - hadn't thought about that until just now. Seth chatted with them for a bit and man does he look gigantic next to them.

Divas title recap. Brie's out with her sister. Kris Jenner sent a tweet to Nikki. Okay then. Brie's horrible theme is still here. She's facing AJ, who stole the show by playing a ditz with "seriously, that title goes so well with yer shoes, ohmygerd!" and "Brie, lesbi-honest!". They do stuff for a bit until someone yells "go to the finish!" and Brie wins with a cradle after a Nikki distraction. OH MY FUCKING GOD, another Rose-Bunny tag. It's them against Nattie and Kidd. Bunny shook its ass at Larry. Bunny did the strut - NATURE BUNNY! After several minutes of bullshit, the Bunny accidentally pulled the ankle of Rose and they lost via distraction schoolboy. Rose somehow looks older and more sleazy since last night. THE BIG GUY met with Renee, and THE BIG GUY's hungry near Thanksgiving - he wants food now too and oh joy, we're going to get Ryback-Kane at some point.
 A New Day cut a preaching promo together about being smarter, stronger, and flying higher than ever before. Big E is the biggest, most awkward dancer ever - it's great. Renee and her guest at this time Cena and Dolph (so...guests?) talked for a bit. Dolph cut a horribly scripted promo about being saved by THE MAN CALLED STING and Cena talked for a bit about whatever. SD gets Miz TV with Show. Faces came out, then Bryan who got to drag out the intros for the heels. J and J Security won with 93%. They brawl for a bit on the floor before a break. JAMIE NOBLE IS DOMINATING JOHN CENA! I love this. Cole compared the stooges to Paul Blart: Mall Cop in 2015. Seth cheapshots Dolph and comes in dominate. Noble's back in and eats a dropkick. Faces hit double finishers on the security goons for the win. Bryan throws Seth in for a double finisher too. Okay then. THEN THE GM DING HIT AND THE GM STAND RETURNED OUT OF NOWHERE! Raw is Cyber Monday. FUCK ALL OF THIS BEEPING!

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Sunday, November 23, 2014

WWE Survivor Series 2014

Before the pre-show, they had a Countdown showing the 2001 Survivor Series main event THAT ALLOWED THE COMPANY TO CONTINUE. So somehow, The Authority is more important than that stip. Riley, Heyman, and Booker are on the panel. Booker's indoor scarves are amazing. They talk about who could be in charge next and Riley says maybe Heyman, who then gets nervous and talks about turbulence! Love this man. Barrett will be out later. THE NEW AND IMPROVED FANDANGO is next.

It's Fandango-Gabriel. King has a generic WWE logo shirt on. Rosa's here dancing to a salsa theme. Fandango is now dancing with her and this theme is rather nice. Fandango turning into a salsa dancer who wins instead of a ballroom dancer is...something. Gabriel's gone from sweet motocross gear to LA Park bottoms. They ramble on about those while talking about Ghost Rider and bitching about making outdated references. OH MY GOD I WANT A COMET TO STRIKE JUST THE COMMENTATORS. Holy Christ are they terrible! The crowd is making absolutely no noise. Lariat from Fandango spins Gabriel out. Flying legdrop won. This was nothing. Fandango might've actually been hurt by that since he didn't look good in there with Gabriel and they didn't even get time to have a decent match on an hour-long pre-show.
Awesome Ambrose-Rollins video sets up thanks. More words. Goofy stuff with Miz and Mizdow. Heyman talking about Mizdow is just bizarre.YES! IT'S BAD NEWS BARRETT! He says that Cena taking the Authority out would be good - HE'D RUN THE COMPANY, and that's bad news for Cena. Love this! AJ cuts a promo about the fun and games being over - it's time to be deadly-serious...over the butterfly belt. Long recap of the Cena-Authority stuff. Heyman and Booker talk about the stips, and then Cesaro's out saying he's neutral. THE REAL AMERICANS RE-EXPLODE! Zeb talks about Cesaro being a brown noser and I think we have another match. Swagger was too injured to be on Team Cena, but he can work here - although I can buy that hey, the match was made on Raw and he's already off the card officially there. Cesaro and Swagger had every match ever against each other, but with no drama since they just talked about the main event. They didn't even bury Swagger for his horrible haircut. Rolling Germans from Cesaro are a fantastic addition to his arsenal. After a billion ankle locks, Swagger won. I used to think Angle killing the ankle lock in main events was bad, but Swagger doing that in a nothing pre-show match is much worse. A LIMO PULLS UP AND WE GET SHOES and for the first time, see who wears them as it's Vince for a last-second BUY ME NOW thing.

Usos should really win the titles if they're doing a documentary on them tomorrow.UNAUTHORIZED VIEWERS #bewareandforewarned This video really should've aired before the PPV - it makes you care about every single guy on the teams. PPV opens with a Vince promo - well, I guess it should for this show. See, now I care - Cole said the announce team could change depending on the result. Vince says this will be a Survivor Series you never forget! He brought out The Authority. Wow, it actually is a $60 Raw promo. HHH put Vince over and Steph tried to get a VINCE VINCE VINCE chant going, which she couldn't say without sounding hoarse. Vince brings Cena out to tell him that if his team loses, he is personally responsible for firing his team - so Cena gets off the hook...why? HHH is doing an outstanding job of making these Superstars seem like 7-11 workers struggling from paycheck to paycheck. Steph says that even if they're not on TV due to the stip, they'll run the show. Vince clarifies, HERE ON THE PPV, that they would lose all power. After several centuries, Vince finally said that the only person who can re-hire Steph and HHH is Cena himself - so if you want to turn him heel, that's how you do it. And of course it has to involve HHH. Cole puts over THE BOMBSHELL - that if Team Authority loses, they lose power - so the stip we heard before, but with the Cena stipulation.

Match 1 - Fatal 4 Way Tag Team Title Match - Usos vs. Cosmic Twins vs. Mizes vs. Los Matadores

Usos are out in powder blue and orange gear that looks awful. Mizes are themselves. JBL references Harpo Marx. The Matadores took 20 years. Gold and Stardust came out, with Stardust going with red instead of blue trim. Cody's got a bad knee - he should stop doing shit that involves jumping off the barricade to the floor on a nightly basis. Stardust AND Stardust's Stumpers can fuck off. He's a fan of the '60s Riddler - great! Go buy the Blu Ray! JBL said a bull fighter could be RVD. Yup. Wow. JBL says that Papa Shango cursed Mizdow. I now want a skit with Papa Shango putting a curse on Mizdow. Guys did moves. None of them were called. I'm paying $9.99 a month to basically get screens to update characters in Fire Pro Wrestling Returns. Stardust hissed. Thank God I've got Smash Bros. to play on the Gamepad. JBL buries the stipulation since you should always want to be in or your partner or else you're guaranteed to not win. Miz tags himself in off of a Stardust sunset flip avoidance spot. Somersault dive from a Matador to Miz mid-ring.

Crowd makes no noise and Cole puts over THE UNIVERSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEAT. Goldust tagged himself in after a quick Mizdow bit, which was funny. Back elbow to an Uso and Stardust gets back in for 2. Usos tag in after everyone does dives and a tower of doom back superplex spot leads to Miz tagging in, then Mizdow AND THEY WIN! Miz grabs the belts and the crowd goes crazy. Miz and Mizdow did a fantastic Boo/Yay bit!

Larry the Cable Guy spot. They plugged a live Stone Cold Podcast with Vince after Raw on 12/1.  Rose and the Bunny did a goofy action figure skit. Slater Gator came in and spoiled the party. Loved Titus bonking the bunny with a figure and Adam Rose kept calling himself a God and a hero, leading to Titus saying he was like a gyro. That was great - the rest, not so much.

Match 2 - Paige, Summer Rae, Cameron, and Layla vs. Emma, Nattie, Naomi, and Alicia

King couldn't remember his team, and made a slew of old references. King sounds like Grandpa Simpson tonight. JBL put over AJA KONG as the most dominant female in SurSer history. Great stuff with Paige and Emma. Wheelbarrow stunner by Naomi gets 2. Back bridge beats Cameron.Cole, like HHH, is obsessed with 1999 by talking about the Posse. Layla's out. Now it's 4-2, advantage faces. Luke Harper's finisher was just a transitional spot.Paige tagged Summer in and she did her knees and scream leading to a great bit with Paige - I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE AN IDIOT! EMMA WINS WITH THE EMMA LOCK! EMMA WINS! A massive LET'S GO PAIGE chant breaks out. Emma's actually getting over here - amazing! Yakuza kick can't beat Emma, who tags out to Nattie and she eats one too. Naomi hits the Rear View and then whatever her facebuster finisher is that isn't over...for the win...I don't know what this really does unless Naomi's going for the title. Like NXT, we're getting a bit of progression for Emma here that's helping her. She's gone from a total jobber to one that got A CHANCE to shine. Love Tyson mugging in front of Nattie.

TLC plug led to the Network plug. They shockingly didn't bury PPV buyers spending $60. They covered Fandango, Barrett, and The Panel, who we heard more from. Ugh. The same Bray/Dean video played here. Ambrose come out followed by Bray, who's still got a great entrance.

Match 3 - Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

Frye-Takayama exchange to start. Nice flying forearm off the apron from Dean - I'll have to update my No Mercy CAW with that later. Muta elbow hits, but Bray hits the bodyblock for 2. Bray gets a nice catch on the floor and chucks him to the floor. Mid-ring full nelson by Bray is countered WITH BITING! Dean's been watching some Minoru Suzuki with that escape. Double crossbody leads to a double down spot. They run it at 8 and start clubbing - so another NJ spot that works. Dean does a forearm version of Raven's lariat/bulldog AND THEN DOES THE SPIDER BIT in the corner.  Tied-up dropkick hits and gets 2. Dean struggles out of a superplex and takes you along on the struggle with his hands moving wildly. REBOUND LARIAT INTO THE URANAGE FOR 2! Diving senton off the second rope misses for Bray - he overshot anyway. REBOUND LARIAT hits.

FLYING STANDING ELBOW GETS 2! Bray murdered the fuck out of his jaw with a lariat as a counter. Wow that was amazing. Bray drops him on the steps with the uranage and gets 2.5. Bray grabs the mic and bonks his own head a few times with it. He cuts a promo and hits Dean with it. No DQ there. Bray is going for a Raven circa '98 deal here, and I don't really mind it. Bray brings chairs in and Dean threatens him with one while the ref threatens a DQ. Why is a chair a DQ, but a mic isn't? Chair to the back is a DQ, and he hits the Dirty Deeds DDT afterwards. We could be getting THE DREADED CHAIRS MATCH at TLC. Now he's got a table. I don't see them using TLC for these guys without a main event spot involved, but...maybe. Dean blows Bray a kiss and elbows him through the table! He piles on tables and chairs on him, which is sure awesome, and shouldn't be done in the third match on the show. NOW HE'S GOT A LADDER! Well, they're definitely giving them the TLC match - so their card positioning will be back where it should be next month. Dean got the ladder and stood atop of it - so he lost the battle...kinda, but damn sure won this war. King said "DEAN SAID THIS IS WHAT THE UNIVERSE WANTS AND I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO THEM!" Thank God he didn't actually say that.

HHH talks about how the real winners tonight are his team members - more title shots and money. Steph then screeches - ugh. HHH said that if you guys lose, you won't be fired - but you'll wish you were. If you're a champion, you won't be and if you're like Seth and not champ, you won't be. HHH ONCE AGAIN BURYING EVERYONE WHO ISN'T HIM. Jesus.

Match 4 - Bunny/Rose vs. Slater Gator

Then after this, it's Adam Rose and Bunny bullshit. What a bizarre tonal shift this is. "LET'S GO BUNNY, OUTSIDE!" Poor ref.  Ten billion bunny jokes. Bunny wins and Adam's pissed. Rose's greying beard makes this gimmick so much funnier.

 After a fairly hilarious video with Bryan's Lego beating HHH, we got COLE TALKING TO ROMAN REIGNS AGAIN! He and JBL had horrible banter and this sucked. Dolph whispered backstage to Ryback and then they all do this big "we support you" deal. Nikki's out for the Divas title match leading to a recap of everything. A very long recap at that. AJ came out and gave the title she got a tattoo for, something she didn't do for her wedding, a goodbye kiss.

Match 5 - AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella

Brie kissed AJ, leading to the KO forearm, the Rack Attack and the win. Wow that was quick! BRIE GETS REVENGE FOR HER HUSBAND! They said that 2 years ago at WM, this same thing from AJ cost Bryan the title, that would've been a nice story to tell. Now Brie is Nikki's ally or something. They recapped Ambrose-Wyatt and announced the TLC match for TLC - nice to see that booked so far in advance, and logically too.

It's main event time already, set up with a giant video package. HHH and Steph came out and Cole talked about how after the show, we'll hear from Vince - at least as of now. Last time, they nixed the post-show.Kane came out followed by Henry. Harper's vest is great - I'd buy it. Shouldn't Rusev be carrying the belt while she carries the flag? King called him an SOB - Son of Bulgaria. Stream died during Show's entrance, but it came back with Cena's. Rowan's apparently got a new dreadful theme and Ryback wasn't over. Cena's color scheme is just...weird. Red, yellow, neon green, camo green, dark blue, and white. Show KO Henry! Heels, like with the divas tag, are at a disadvantage. It's Rowan-Harper, but Seth tags in to prevent a loss. BIG GUY comes in against Seth. Ryback's bright red singlet with the giant black shorts underneath it ala RVD is a good look for him. Ryback vs. Rusev is up! SPINEBUSTER! MEATHOOK! Kane boots him out of a shellshock...boy did Rusev look like a jobber there. Ryback eats a curb stomp and a Rusev superkick to take him out. Now he looks like a jobber. Steph screeched a YES chant to Ryback. Show comes in against Rusev. Big kick, but Harper comes in. Harper dropkick sends Show down while Seth does the "I kick you and you get up" spot a few times. Dolph comes in against Harper and he's literally too fast or his own offense sliding around. Dolph has new, super-shiny shorts and kicks out of a Black Hole Slam for 2.

Harper gets a throat thrust out of a suplex counter for 2. Stream gets wonky and when it gets going, Rusev's back in. Rusev gets him in a fallaway slam and Dolph, like Rusev, is a big NWO fan. He's got OVR on his gear in the NWO style. Cole buried Seth's MITB win. Dolph got some hope off a jaw jacker and the DDT hits for 2. Parade of finishers. Something's up with Kane - Hogan-level leap for the chokeslam. Nice toss of Seth to the other heels. Dolph tossed into a bigger pile by Rusev. VINTAGE UMAGA DIVE! on the announce table leads to a countout spot despite THEM BEING OUTSIDE FOR AGES TO SET IT UP! Not even the goons could get Rusev in in time, which was a perfect way to take Rusev out. Cena attacks Kane, who can't bump. Nice of Cena to jump high in the air for the curb stomp. JBL ranted about things. Astonished JBL didn't add "let 'em entertain the Universe!" there. Harper and Rowan have outstanding chemistry as opponents too, but Seth's flying knee sets up the spinning lariat for the elimination! SHOW KOS CENA! Show wants out, so it's Dolph vs. the World here in the main event of "the most important match in WWE history". Love Seth waving Dolph's hand in his corner with no partners. Zig Zag to Kane takes him out! HE TAKES OUT LUKE WITH A SCHOOLBOY! Crowd's going crazy for Dolph, who they've possibly completely rehabbed and then some tonight. FLASH CRADLES GET 2 FOR DOLPH! FAMEASSER GETS 2! ZIG ZAG! HHH ATTACKS THE REF! So that should be a DQ, right? Dolph superkicks the goons! Steph knocked into HHH. Powerbomb in the corner, but he counters the stomp with the Zig Zag! A new ref, BUT HHH ATTACKS! Pedigree hits Dolph. Armstrong comes down for a fast count, BUT STING COMES OUT AND HITS HIM! A LONG staredown leads to Sting hitting the Deathdrop! This was amazing and sets up WM really well. Loved JBL's "HE'S MAKING AN IMPACT!" line. Goodbye song and Steph's screeching didn't do much for me though.

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Friday, November 21, 2014

WWE SmackDown 11-21-14

SD opens with a recap of Steph and HHH killing people - because lord knows they haven't been put over enough. Cole and HHH do a mid-ring bit and they reference the '80 Olympics and some cheap pops with Tennessee. HHH says he get the name the Cerebral Assassin in the Attitude Era - THE GREATEST ERA IN THE HISTORY OF THIS INDUSTRY. Why? Because Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game, that's why. At the time, the talent level was incredible - so if you thought today's era was as good, well you're blatantly wrong. He rattles off tons of names of guys who "couldn't last", but he's still here - working at Gary's Shoes. He's smarter than all of them, which is why Rock is making big movies and he made...The Chaperone. Somehow, he tied this all into him basically being the next Vince - him, and Steph too. HHH brings out the face team sans Cena and makes, here on the opening promo of the B-show, a firing stip for the PPV. Rusev faces Dolph in a pretty fun match in all honestly. Dolph, however, is the king of the jobbers here losing his IC Title on Raw and losing to the US Champ here - so he's now beneath both of the jobber belts. I like the running superkick being used as a finish here since it looks great and mixes things up.

Kane tells Cesaro that he's not a member of Team Authority, but his loyalty will be rewarded when Team Cena is fired. Kane makes Cesaro-Rowan. Dos Mizes lose to the Matadores in a nothing match with everyone else in the tag title match out there too. Dean's survival kit skit was just him getting brass knuckles as a kid, and he's now turned every limb on his body into one. Bray says a bunch of words behind bars and...yeah this doesn't do anything for me. Brie faced AJ dressed as Nikki with a stuffed ass and stuff bra. AJ Bella wins with a distraction schoolgirl. Rowan squashes Cesaro with a pumphandle backbreaker into a rack for the win - dig the new stuff from Rowan.

New Day stuff. Team Cena is all about freedom and did the Shield fist bump deal. Seth and Kane faced Ryback and Show. This was just a backdrop for a clusterfuck brawl. Heels hit finishers, HHH chairshots dudes, and then HHH pedigrees Ryback. This was just so weird with HHH not actually wrestling on his team, or maybe the team all loses at the PPV, but he reveals himself to be the final member so maybe "Team Authority" is done, but HHH wins or something. This was a huge step back and HHH regressing to his goofy-ah! promo style here was awful. So many parts of this story don't make sense. You've got HHH being hell-bent on winning, but not wrestling on the show. Meanwhile, CENA ISN'T HERE TO HELP HIS TEAM, and literally was not on this show at all.

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Thursday, November 20, 2014

WWE NXT 11-20-14

A fantastic recap of last week's title match starts the show, concluding with THAT FUCKER ADRIAN NEVILLE LYING TO HIS FRIEND! Okay, I can't stand this pixellated VQ on the PS4...and it's not even loading up properly on the Xbox One - just that never-ending white circle deal. IT'S BAYLEY is in the first match. Lynch has new gear with a camo look instead of plaid. Great bit with Riley calling her a rocker chick and Renee calling him her dad for such a wacky term. Not much to the match, sadly. Becky got her legdrops, and wow is her gear low. Anyway, shoulder charges in the corner lead to Bayley getting a corner charge, but then losing to a neck snap and a schoolgirl with the tights. Charlotte comes out to prevent a beating, and her gear and shirt clash terribly. Charlotte as a face isn't doing much for me. Lucha Dragons are next and we get a crazy-long Survivor Series video for the break.

Bayley and Charlotte are backstage and Bayley's thankful for what she did "earlier tonight", or you know, a minute ago. Bayley is warned to not face Sasha and wants a hug. Holy Jesus does Charlotte look old next to Bayley. But first, the Vaudevillains come out and talk about being patient - BUT THEY WANT THE CHAMPS NOW. Out come mini-Lucha Dragons. Oh fuck right off with this. They do squats alongside an airplane spin, tag in and out and do it again. Ugh. Slam and a neckbreaker win. This sucked, and why didn't the Lucha Dragons come out at the end to oppose this? They were the ones scheduled next, not the Vaude Villains. Zayn addresses the fans later.

Kevin Steen/Owens hype video! He's the future and he'll fight anyone. He'll also debut on 12/11/14! Baron Corbin out to kill someone - Elias Sampson. Goofy End of Days Flatliner wins. If he's so hard to talk to, how'd they find out what he calls his finisher? Bull comes out and they cross paths briefly. I like this almost being a bit like a standby match ala Mid-South. Now they're counting with Bull's match too. Flying headbutt wins. Kidd's working out for a match with Finn Balor next!

Or not. It's Kidd-Parker...fuck. They do stuff. Nice hammerlock in the ropes. Kidd gets a dragon screw in the ropes, the Moss Covered 3 Handled Credenza, and the sharpshooter wins. Total waste of Kidd here. Tyson cuts a nice promo about doing what his uncle Bret said - issue a challenge and don't wait. Next week, we get Balor-Kidd and he'll be excellently-executed - FACT! Cass and Enzo shadow box and wow does Enzo look stupid in leopard-print. Carmella's with them and yeah this wasn't much. Singalong with Enzo promo. Enzo and Cass AIN'T THE PARKER BROTHERS - NO GAMES! After a century, they got done with their promo. Dug the Parker Brothers stuff for a little while there. They're facing the Mechanics who are literally dressed like mechanics. Dawson sells a Cass punch before it's thrown. Inverted atomic drop into the big boot wins. Ascension came down and killed everyone. They cut a bad promo on Balor and Itami. THE ASCENSION! WILL RISE! AGAIN! YARGH! Regal does stuff on his computer until Sami comes in to thank him for letting him speak next.

Sami came down and said a sentence before cutting to the exact same video that opened the show - at least do something different that makes sense for what he set up. He asks Neville to come out and he does - while limping. Sami says that if he can't win the title, he has no reason for being. Sami cuts a damned passionate promo nearly breaking into tears at points about NEEDING the title. Regal comes down and tells Sami that he's worthy of a rematch. He's helped NXT take over the WWE Network, and we'll get Sami-Neville at the next Takeover show on December 11 at Takeover: Our Evolution. Sami says if he can't win, he's done. Good main event stuff here, rest of the show was largely skippable.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

TNA Impact Wrestling 11-19-14 - Spike TV Finale

It's hard to believe that in the fall of 2005, TNA hit Spike and it felt like such a breath of fresh air. The roster was young, the video packages were exciting, and the crowd was rabid. Now, nine years later, the company finds itself in a dire situation with a TV deal that may or may not be made with a station that is several layers below the Earth's core compared to Spike - and Spike hasn't had many signs of mainstream life since losing UFC outside of last Saturday's Bellator. TNA really couldn't be leaving the network at a worse time since the network could very well rebound and find itself with Brock Lesnar on the Viacom payroll. While Lashley's future is secure, I'll sure miss Devon randomly in the crowd at Bellator during the Aces and 8s angle, or Taryn as a ring girl...that was not the worst thing ever. Last week's show went off the air without a mention of this being it for TNA on Spike, but they did tease MVP doing SOMETHING that would in theory be an on-air reason for them to be kicked off the station I guess. They got their Destination America deal, so they're in theory safe for a while.

A weird echo-filled video airs recapping the Lashley-Roode rematch. MVP's crew's problems are recapped and we get more with the Angle-Lashley staredown and a recap of Lashley killing dudes last week. Tenay runs down tonight's KO and X Title matches. Roode comes out in ripped jeans and his shirt to start the FINAL FIRST-RUN IMPACT EVER ON SPIKE. Roode rambles on for a bit about having a true friend in EY and it not being about wrestling, HE WANTS A FIGHT with Lashley tonight. Lashley lightly jogs down to brawl with Roode. Lashley swings a chair and they separate them. Boy did this not do a damn thing for me, and I loved what they did last week and dig Roode. EC3 and his pompadour are with Tyrus talking about Spud and how he'll face him tonight to see if he's a man. Tenay says that Impact Wrestling will return on December 3 with a special look at 2014. Havok killing spree recap sets up the three-way title match really nicely. The music is so loud that it's drowning out the voice work in the video. Their match is next.

STORM SORRY/NOT SORRY stuff on sale on ShopTNA. Boy no thanks. Tenay plugs becoming a TNA-Lister. Months of this and I still have no idea why I should sign up. Taryn bounce out first. Taryn beating Madison to get this shot is recapped. Gail came out with her left shoulder taped and they talked about how destructive Havok ahs been. Story-wise, they've done a fantastic job putting Havok over as a killer despite the wonky timeline of her losing the title and then defending it and such. Gail hits forearms on Havok, but Havok hits both with a clothesline and corner charges them. Havok wheelbarrows Gail onto Terrell. Shoulder toss into the post from Havok, who then hits a bearhug slam to Terrell. Headscissors Octopus from Gail to Havok leads to a combo with the Muta lock! Double kick sends Havok out. Havok catches Taryn, but Gail dives off the apron and sends them both down - nice! Except for Gail almost DDTing Taryn right on the floor in the process.

 They come back and Gail gets 2 off a small package - Havok's still out on the floor. Kick to the gut sets up a Moonlight Drive from Terrell. Terrell headscissors Havok, but eats an electric chair drop to the barricade. Gail avoids this but eats a sick bearhug slam! God, the splat on this was just sickening - such a shame that move isn't in a game. Havok sends them in and gloats. Havok hits a splash off the second rope to both, but only gets 2 while Taz talks about his calendar collection. They try to send her to the floor like a battle royal and Gail does a legdrop-ish thing off the top. Taryn throws Gail in to continue the action. Corner press from Gail. They fight up top for a superplex, but Havok gets a sitout powerbomb variant of the tower of doom. Stacked splash misses and despite landing on her knees, Havok sells the belly. Taryn traps her setting up a Gail flying DDT. Each challenger gets 2 off a crossbody. Eat Defeat hits setting up a Cutter and Taryn cradles Gail to win - so the final KOs Champ on Spike wins it by beating the first KOs Champion. Taryn celebrated, but the crowd really didn't care beyond a little boy who was overjoyed. Kenny King was angry with MVP, who wants to prove he's more than just a manager.

They recap Joe's announcement and show off the graphic for tonight's X Title match, then go to a recap of the Roode-Lashley stuff earlier. Oh hey, Kenny King has a theme - good for him. Well, it's like 20 seconds repeated over and over. He's facing Chris Melendez here, and while we hear about what happened, we don't get a video recap. This match STARTS WITH A LOCKUP. Taz breaks down just how impressive it is for Chris to be as good as he is with one leg. Kenny gets cocky and goes to the floor, leading to an eye rake from King and a kick. Kenny gets a chinlock and some crossfaces. Melendez hits a kick with the fake leg and attacks with some clotheslines. Fisherman's suplex gets 2 for Chris and he's now able to bend the leg a bit on it, which is amazing. HELLUVA KICK IN THE CORNER WITH THE PROSTHETIC LEG! MVP attacks with a chair while wearing a goofy vertically-striped shirt and blue pants with a giant yellow M on the back. He destroyed the right leg and...yeah this was a lot better in theory than in execution due to what MVP was wearing. Spud in a new brick suit talked to the camera guy about giving Ethan what he wants tonight.

They recapped the Melendez-King match perfectly, putting Chris over huge. Kurt has NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED. The doctor wants Chris to go to the hospital, "or at least get an MRI" the hospital. Ken wants to kick ass, but Kurt says he'll find MVP. This was a bit of a cluster and the acting was horrible. EC3 and Tyrus are out. Taz sings EC3's theme while he enters the ring. God, it's a shame he's hurt right now, because we might wind up getting a Tyrus push out of it. Tyrus looks fucking gigantic in there with EC3. EC3 cuts a silly promo and then Spud comes out while Taz talks about him having a set...of bad suits, and cites the brick suit. EC3 has Tyrus leaves and THEN the crowd chants "you can't wrestle." Spud mans up and EC3 says that he ruined Spud's life and it entertains him so much. He'll give Spud the first shot and begs him to hit him. "Mr. Carter, I'm not going to hit you in the face - I'M GONNA KICK YOU IN THE BALLS!" Tremendous. Spud got his ass kicked here, but it was glorious. Nasty landing for Spud right on his head off a go-behind toss. He goes for the 1%er, but Spud drops down, gets up and eats a lifting Samoan spike from Tyrus. EC3 got busted up during this and EC3 says he'll end Spud's career, but he'll start by cutting off his hair. He gets a bit of a haircut, but this felt like too much right now. Spud's also busted up a bit. Kurt yelled at Kenny and MVP jumped Kurt. This is where Kenny "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!" thing from last week was from.

They recap the MVP-Kurt thing and someone with a generic theme comes out. It's Bram. Oh yeah, it's Bram-Dreamer. Video recap of his reign of terror set to a really cool song. They do some shit and Dreamer dives to the floor off the apron. Basic weapon shit and Bram says WHO'S HARDCORE! Dreamer gets punched and busted open. Suplex on the floor. Whatever. This is like a WWA hardcore match from 2001. They come back for step shots and "I YAM BRAM!" He rubs Dreamer's blood on his chest - well, that I dig. Dreamer avoids a shot and regroups. He squeals and hits a clothesline. Side Russian legsweep gets 2. They do a slow-mo atomic drop on the chair for Bram. Nice diving Hart Attack off the second rope from Dreamer - I'll be damned, for the first time in 15 years, HE INNOVATED VIOLENCE! T-N-A tree of woe dropkick with the can. It actually got a chant, so hell, keep him on the active roster because they crowd cares about this. Toss on the chair from Bram gets 2. Double juice mid-card match here.
 Dreamer's DDT gets 2. Dreamer gets a chair wrapped in barb wire. Magnus jumps him and hits whatever his Mark of Excellence is called. They attack him, probably for wearing Twitter pants. Another generic theme hits and Al Snow comes out looking more ripped than ever. Taz outright asks what he's on and he sends Magnus to the back. Dreamer eats the barb wire chair in the corner and loses to an impaler DDT. Well, this over-delivered. I was dreading it going in because I'm just tired of these matches, but this wound up being a lot of fun and kudos to Tommy for actually innovating some violence. Kurt swears vengeance on MVP. X Title match is next, and the main event will be him doing something with MVP.

Recap of Storm's cash-in, which I completely forgot about - so this was wisely put in the show. Manik met with Shera, who asked why Storm doesn't like it. Manik and his stupid mask alongside an #XCHAMPISCROWNDED hashtag tells Shera that all Storm needs is for him to awaken. DJZ starts this off and man is he a fun act. TIGER ONE follows him and then Manik before Low-Ki comes out last. Tenay talks about Ki teaming with Joe to get the tag titles, but now he finds himself trying to replace Joe as champion. Tenay says it's been EIGHT YEARS since he was X Champion - back when they were doing those goofy skits burying the X guys for having no personality. EIGHT YEARS. Uno does a wacky run-up kick for 2 on DJZ. Tenay puts over the Amazing Race. I guess they're going to wait until the final week to do the Destination America plug, which is a mistake since this is the last first-run show. During a surfboard, Z went for a cover and Ki hit the stomp for 2! That ruled. Everyone falls to the floor so Uno can be caught for a corkscrew dive.
 Ki gets shoved off leaving to a DJZ DDT, a Manik dive, and Uno getting 2. Uno and Ki fight up top leading to a SUPER KI CRUSHER ON UNO FOR THE WIN. Well, that damn sure should've been the finish and it was. Not the best match on Earth, but fun to watch. Ki was almost crying over the win. Amid all the issues, Low-Ki's return to TNA has been a feel-good story for the company this year. The X Title really needs to be booked stronger next year, because against Lucha Underground, just doing highspots won't work. MVP calls Lashley to get him back in the fold. MVP wants to burn this place to the ground if they don't get what they want. It's 10:50 and Kurt's headed to the ring...for a break.
THE POPULAR VELVET MECHANIC is on sale. Kurt comes out at 10:55 and they recap the MVP-Kurt thing. At least they've got a top-level program for the Destination America debut...and a World title program too. Kurt talks about telling MVP to stop talking, and he'll have to consult the board of directors about what to do with MVP. MVP's theme thankfully cut him off as he kept losing his train of thought. MVP talked about Kurt being a former world champion and Olympic gold medalist who is now reduced to calling his mama to protect him from MVP. MVP is sick of the company. Boy, this might've been a really fun program when MVP was on the rise in '07. Now, we're going to get it in 2015 - roughly EIGHT YEARS LATER. Kurt says he's not going to fire MVP, HE'S GONNA FIGHT MVP ON THE FIRST SHOW OF THE theory. He just brawls a bit with him now before King comes out. MVP attacks and then shoves Kenny aside. Driveby to Kurt is now called the Blackout. Anderson fights Kenny King. GODDAMMIT NO, KEN ANDERSON IS BACK AS A MAIN EVENTER! Lashley attacks Anderson and here comes Roode. He beats up Kenny and stares down Lashley while they brawl and say Roode-Lashley III is inevitable. They hype up the first best of show, and it should be a good one.

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Monday, November 17, 2014

WWE Raw 11-17-14

After a day of off-and-on WWE 2K15 playing, it'll be nice to take a break from WWE for more WWE - NOW WITH GRUMPY CAT! A Ryback-heavy recap airs. AUTHORITY STARTS THE SHOW WITH A PROMO AND RAW MAY NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! HHH started Raw off expositing about the storyline. HHH talked about how the fans want to see them relegated to being regular employees - how...odd. HHH said, after rambling on, that if you wanted to see the inmates running the asylum it would turn WWE into WCW. TEAM AUTHORITY IS DESTRUCTIVELY LETHAL. As opposed to what kind of lethal? Doesn't lethal kind of imply destruction? And they are facing A TEAM OF MALCONTENTS and THE GOLDEN BOY OF MALCONTENTS JOHN CENA. What the fuck is this? Steph talks about Captain John Cena. Does Captain Cena win a boat if he wins?  HHH says that TONIGHT WILL HAVE THE BIGGEST CONTRACT SIGNING IN WWE HISTORY!

Steph's "OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN" amused me, but this sucks. Luke has his cleanest dirty shirt on, and he did his I'M A TEAM PLAYER bit again. Steph yammered on about Ryback for a century or two. HHH got two new head wrinkles here. THE BIG GUY came down with a BIG WEIGHT BELT! In 2014, we've got two former ROH World Champions mid-ring here - love it. Steph aired a video of Cena mocking Ryback a year ago. Fucking hell. Ryback says he'll play for TEAM RYBACK! HHH made Harper-Dolph and used THE TIME IS NOW for it. Well, if it's anything like the UFC presser today, that's not good news for Dolph. They showed the Team Cena-Authority graphic for the signing, and it seems like the show will end with Orton signing the contract.

They recap the Harper beating and it's now an IC Title match. BUT FIRST, Seth, Noble, and Mercury attack Dolph. Boot and a Liger bomb get 2. Yakuza kick in the corner misses! They come back from the break with Harper dominating with a neck snap. Thank God he didn't do a chinlock. Well, at least not for a while. Cole buried the MITB win and then JBL said HE CLIMBED A LADDER, which didn't put it over any more. Black Hole Slam gets 2 for Harper. Cole says this would be Harper's second title win, but it's his first - he was never tag champ. LUKE HARPER WON THE IC TITLE after the lariat, and he kept his Family theme, which fits him. It is surreal to see Harper, dressed like that, with a title. Curb Stomp to Dolph! This was fun and I'm glad to see Harper with some gold. OH MY GOD, Cole is in a white with black pinstripe outfit. King puts over WWE Pay Per Views and how you HAVE TO SEE THEM. JBL says it's the biggest main event in WWE history, so it's BIGGER THAN THE WWF POSSIBLY ENDING at Survivor Series 2001. Cole talked about GRUMPY THE CAT being on Raw tonight.

Kofi hopped in and said black guy things for The New Day. Miz did a wacky IN A NEW WORLD promo with Mizdow. Miz has aged a decade in a week. Grumpy the Cat was not amused by the Miz. They had a stuffed stunt cat. Oh my God this was terrible. Every single thing about this sucked outside of Miz saying he friended the cat on Facebook. They buried Cole for Grumpy the Cat, and then Adam Rose came out. Can Sunday come? Can they have Lucha Underground on instead of this? Anything? Bunny did the plunge and Adam was pissed. They plugged 2K15 and showed some mo-cap stuff. This ruled! A dreadful Ambrose Network ad aired. So why would Dean, the anti-Authority guy, cut a promo for their Network?
Tyson's reward for a week of outstanding matches on WWE TV is a match with Adam Rose - so don't try, guys. Just don't give a fuck, go through the motions, and do whatever. Trying will get you nowhere. Bunny danced and Rose tapped to the Sharpshooter. Bunny bit Rose on the ass and did an air hump. Well, that wasn't PG. Bray's here. Bray-Dean SD recap. Bray came out for his regular promo. Bray's shirt almost matched his tattoos, which was nice. He hopes Dean understand that their souls are intertwined. The Bray Wyatt character CAN be so good, and this isn't that. Dean buried him for cutting rambling promos. Then Dean did some wacky bullshit saying it's a taped promo and he jumped him in the ring. Cole said this was the most important Survivor Series ever. It's the most important Survivor Series in history because the go-home show started with a long, rambling promo? #contractsigning tonight! THE BIG GUY! LARRY THE CABLE GUY guest hosts next week, in almost 2015, and he looks old as fuck. So yeah, WWE doesn't exactly have its finger on the pulse of its fanbase.

Ryback faces Cesaro. Again, don't try. They brawled back and forth and Cena watched it backstage. Cesaro chinlock. Good God, I'm ready for the show to end and it's not even 9:20. Ryback gets some shoulder charges. Cesaro got a really loose sleeper and throws Ryback to the floor for an ad break. Time to edit Ryback in 2K15 to something resembling his current getup. THANK GOD A POST-BREAK CHINLOCK! Ryback got a spinning powerbomb out of the corner, which was both cool and new. Ryback goes for the Shellshock, but CESARO GETS ROLLING GERMANS! He got 2. Flying elbow gets 2 as well. Shoulder-mount slam gets 2 for Ryback. MEATHOOK COUNTERED WITH THE UPPERCUT! VERY EUROPEAN UPPERCUT kinda hits for 2! Shellshocked countered again, but the Meathook hits! Shellshock gets the desperation win - this got good at the end. Renee said words to Cena backstage while Cena watched, and then he interrupted Renee before she could ask another question - dick. Then Renee threw to the ring...and was interrupted by Rusev's theme in doing so. You've got over 3 hours, let things breathe!

Lana talked about Putin and the G-20 summit. Lana is disgusted by Kim Kardashian too. Good for her. No one can compare to Lana...well, she's not wrong. Lana immediately turned face by promising a topless photo and delivers Putin! What a great heel. Heath came out with a new Southern rock theme and dressed like Uncle Sam. GO UNCLE SLATER! Heath's got the red, white, and blue running through this badass Southern boy! Superkick>camel clutch. Sweet mother of fuck, more with Grumpy Cat and the Miz! Rowan came in and said kitty, kitty, kitty. He's got Bray's patch on his new jumpsuit, and he wants Grumpy Cat. The stuffed Grumpy Cat. Okay then. JBL literally just goes "okay...". Show came out for something. Maybe to introduce the Big Cat.

Steph talked about watching Show's debut as Andre's son and how he never reached his full potential. Oh good - the now-annual burial of Big Show! Steph, while burying Show for turning too many times, said that he should turn heel and join the Authority and go into the HOF. Steph's face was just beaming during all this. Before Show could answer, Sheamus came out. OH THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, A REVOLVING DOOR PROMO! Steph said that Sheamus COULD be deported before Sunday. Steph made Show-Sheamus, and made it a WWE Title contender's match. Hey, I'm always down for more Sheamus-Show! Now Cena is the number 1 contender, but I guess the winner here faces Cena for the real shot - or they just forgot Cena's the number 1 contender, or they don't care. They clubbered! They went to the floor and Show tossed him into the timekeeper's area for a break.

Mid-ring chest clubs from Sheamus after the break. Crowd is scarily dead for this theoretical top contender's match between two main eventers. Haas of Pain from Show. JBL said BEST FOR BUSINESS 80 times while Sheamus came back with Polish hammers. Mid-air thing resembling a spear from Show to Sheamus gets 2. These two have such good chemistry together. This is fun, but also sad since it's just a nothing match. White Noise gets 2. Electric chair spot again.  Rusev and Henry come down to attack. Slam through the announce table by Henry to Sheamus. Mid-ring Accolade to Show. Show is selling this move perfectly - his arms have gone totally limp. Cole told the story about Team Cena being taken out before the PPV.

Beating recap. Brie's out as AJ. Brie as AJ looks so much hotter than Brie does normally. The role of AJ Lee will now be played by Brie Bella. It's an exhibition match, which leads to AJ coming down. Nikki did jumping jacks to prepare while AJ said Brie looks better than she does in that getup. Nikki responds to an elbow with little infant baby slaps. AJ's distraction leads to a schoolgirl rollup win. Shining Wizard from AJ to Nikki, and she beat up Brie too with a DDT. Cole read off his tablet about a WWE Youtube channel video for 2K15's MyCareer mode.

Big E looked like a giant preacher with his New Day promo. Ryback was backstage taking his gloves off. Ryback takes an hour to take his gloves off? Cena wants him, but Ryback doesn't see his team. Cena said that yeah, he said those things to Ryback, BUT HE DID IT TO HIS FACE. So it's okay to be an asshole as long as you say things to someone's face? Cena said Ryback's not stupid, BUT HE IS SELFISH. Don't compliment him too much there, John. OH MY GOD A BRAY-DEAN RECAP! Usos came out for their traditional death spot match - UCE-O bit did get a reaction though. Fatal 4 way tag title match coming to the PPV with the Matadores, the Usos, Mizes, and the Dusts, and the teams are in action next somehow. Okay then.

SD will have The Dean Ambrose Survival Kit? Fuck this shit. It's an 8-man tag here, faces vs. heels. Okay then. King apparently stole a joke from Cole on the app or something. Guys are doing moves. Announcers don't care. I don't care. Fans don't care. More moves. JBL chant. Mizdow chinlocked the rope. Miz got cradled and Mizdow locked himself in one on the ropes. They all went on some weird rant about theories as to why Mizdow copies Miz. JBL's involved voodoo and Bourbon street, and went on for ages. They talked about Buzz Aldrin and the moon for a bit. Mizdow came in, then Miz tagged in to great heat. Double dive to the Mizes. Awesome Uso stuff to Stardust including a loose Samoan drop. Starudst hit his stupid finisher on an Uso after a parade of finishers and won. Grumpy Cat is shown either asleep or dead. Sheamus is apparently out of the PPV match now. CAN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS!?

The Authority came out for the main event contract signing. Team Cena's destruction is recapped.
HHH - LIVE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD LIVE! When it comes to the WWE...when it comes to the WWE... You love the WWE, right?
Oh wow. Remember when Heyman cut that big company-altering promo before a Survivor Series? Yeah, well this hasn't been it. Steph then cut a far better promo about their team killing Team Cena. Cena came down and was really confident about it. Cena talked about everyone watching the PPV for free. Well, I'm not - I'm paying so my video quality can suffer while more people clog the bandwidth. I hope the NEW TEAM CENA is They 2.0 - THE FORTUNE 4! The roster is so thin Cena now needs to get people from the crowd to team with him. What he should do is get that fan from the UFC presser who closed the show to join his team. Cena wearing his WWE Authentic Gear talking about sellouts. Cena did a wacky British accent while HHH of all people did the "yadda yadda yadda" hand motion. Cena had tons of jokes. HHH's head is so fucking gigantic. Vomit jokes for a PPV main event build. HHH told Steph he'd feed her some Sexual Chocolate. Um, wow. Cena buried Seth for his latex fetish... isn't it leather? Shocked he didn't make a vibrator joke too. Cena wants to fight HHH now for some reason. Dolph came down. Then Show did. I guess Cena's comedy has magical healing powers - so he's like Patch Adams, but less funny. Rowan joined Team Cena, which sure would've meant more if he wasn't a simpleton. THEN CESARO CAME OUT. Holy shit. Well, they're rocketing him back up the card here and I'm all for it. Is it perfect? Does it make total sense? No. But it'll be good. Nope - Cesaro's joining the Authority. Ryback joined Cena's team and Cena AA'd HHH through the mid-ring table. Wouldn't want to get someone else over with an HHH bump or anything.

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