Thursday, April 30, 2015

WWE Smackdown 4-30-15

Caught the last few minutes of Cabin in the Woods before SD. I already dig the characters despite only seeing them briefly, and it's really well-acted. Verne Gagne got a tribute graphic to start the show. Seth and J&J start things off differently - with a backstage promo with Kane instead of a generic intro or rundown of Raw. Kane says he gives the audience what they want and it amazes me that they go through all of the trouble to redress all of these sets and even change the lighting to be heavy on blue for a show they never care about. Kane says that his goal is to make a man out of Seth if it's the last thing he does, and tonight, Seth will face Dean. I really like them adding some dimension to Kane here. Seth tells Kane to be viable tonight and dares him to do something tonight.  Great start to the show, honestly - they got things rolling immediately.

Generic SD intro. Tom is nearly impossible to hear over the pyro and theme song. The audio mixing here is terrible because everyone is hard to hear...HERE COMES DA BIG DAWG! Raw main event finish replay. Roman sends a shoutout to his "brother" Dean. Roman said that Seth took his WM main event away, but HE'S SCRATCHED, AND HE'S CLAWED HIS WAY BACK. Kane came down to strip off his shirt and I guess compare abs with Roman. Nope - he wants a match to I guess prove he's still important.

They punch and punch and punch and punch and punch. "ROMAN ROMAN ROMAN!" while no one does anything. Kane slams him on the announce table, which isn't a DQ on this show despite being one when Sheamus did it to THEMANTHATGRAVITYFORGOTTHENEWSENSATIONNEVILLE a couple weeks ago. Post-break BEARHUG mixes up the chinlock formula. I really should make a maskless version of Kane like this in No Mercy. BIG DOG FIRES BACK WITH PUNCHES. And even punches in the corner! The Big Dog is cocked, BUT KANE PREVENTS HIM FROM UNLOADING with a chokeslam. Tombstone is countered into a DDT.

SUPERMAN PUNCH! OOO-WAH spear misses in hilarious fashion. Roman just kind of bellyflops onto the mat. Kane just leaves and takes a countout. Renee asks Seth for his opinion on Kane's match and he says that Kane was in over his head. Seth says that one big difference between them is that he has the WWE Title while Kane has a senior citizens card and HE FIGHTS AND DOES IT ON HIS OWN. He doesn't need anyone - even J&J. Jamie and Joey are quite sad.
 Jericho show ad with Rousey - so they're getting more out of that than you'd imagine by using any footage they have of her. It does make the company seem current to hype her up instead of oh...Pee Wee Herman. Axel-Sandow recap isn't any funnier in clipped form. Sandow outright doing an LD voice is just odd. Sandow's new tron and theme are...good-ish I guess. His new shirt sucks as does his blue and red "DS" gear. Sandow's impersonation gimmick is just awful. Byron points out that Sandow is being a prick here. Headlock stuff to start and he tosses Axel out, showcasing his bald spot quite a bit. Sandow does Hogan's comeback and wins with the full nelson slam. No part of this new gimmick beyond the theme woks for me. Well, his post-match "point and cheer for me" bit works right now.

Renee interviews THE BIG GUY. He isn't sure why Bray is after him, but he'll take out Harper tonight...despite Harper not having any allegiance to Bray now. WWE 2K is the #1 sports game in iTunes. Ryback's out first. King says that Harper is the product of a conjugal visit. Harper BRIDGED OUT OF A TOP WRISTLOCK, which just looked awesome. Harper is so great, but even he can't make Ryback look good. Harper goes for a delayed suplex, but gets put in one himself. Liger bomb gets 2. Ryback is fed a back elbow after a break. Ryback sends him out and then he comes back in. Shouldermount powerslam hits as does a sofa splash for 2. Harper gets a JACKKNIFE PIN for 2. Harper is the best overall big man in wrestling. Quite the roid belly on Ryback during the Meathook, which is countered by a boot. Discus misses, Meathook doesn't, and the Shellshock gets the win. This got good - God bless Harper. Lights go out and Bray attacks with a uranage and elbows to the back of the head from the mount, which I need to give him in FPR. "Just like on Raw" he hits Abigail too. Tag title match is next.


They run down the BIG WEEK ON THE WWE NETWORK! Big E and Kofi come out - they now get a big pyro display and people clapping for them as faux-faces. Glorious. It's amazing that Vince would think Up With (Black) People would get over as a face act in 2014/2015.  Cesaro's weird vest-partially attached hoodie thing is neat. Flajpack uppercut gets 2 before he does a walkaround gutwrench for 2. Cesaro gets a deadlift into a delayed suplex before Kidd goes up, and slips a bit, for a powerplex for 2.  Cesaro runs wild with suplexes, including a snap German to Big E.


CESARO AND KIDD STOMP BIG IN THE CORNER TO THE TUNE OF NEW-DAY-SUCKS! E smashes Kidd in the barricade while Xavier cackles. Great bit where E tosses Kofi into a basement dropkick to Kidd in the corner for 2. Big E suplex-a-mania runs wild! After a break, E gets 2 off a side belly to belly. Xavier's "LOOK AT THE STRENGTH, WE ARE THE GREATEST!" ruled. King has lost his voice. NEW DAY BOOM DROP! Cesaro runs wild with backdrops and uppercuts. ULTIMATE SWISS WARRIOR slam and double stomp gets 2. E bowls him over, but Kidd makes a save. Nice misdirection play with Kidd launching himself onto Kofi instead of coming back at E. Spinebuster lift into THE SWING to E and the dropkick by Kidd for 2.


Woods runs in for a DQ. I'm fine with this - I didn't want CK to lose, but want this to continue. They should really bring in Bret to endorse Cesaro and Kidd, and then lock on a sharpshooter to Woods. Hilarious bit on the ramp where Kofi and Woods pull every muscle in their body to lift E up. Cameron and Summer blah blah blah about blah blah blah. They insult Brie and Nikki talks to Cameron here and then girl byes her. Nikki tells her to stop running her mouth and demands a match while rightfully burying Cameron's skills.

Tough Enough vids showcased some jacked up dudes and talented, athletic people like a boxer and a cheerleader. Cameron is mid-ring, while Nikki gets her whole intro. Naomi cut an inset promo about how the Bellas think they can do all this good in the world...since when? And she's tired of the fans adoring the Bellas...since when? This phantom turn is bizarre. Cameron's ass is looking nice in this gear. Cameron shows off her ass, but eats an elbow in the corner. Nikki "misses" a disaster kick that wouldn't have connect anyway since she fell way short. Cameron does a split off a kick for some reason. It gets 2. Cameron gets the worst dragon sleeper ever and then gets a '60s womens match face smash off a hair pull. Disaster kick hits for one. So that sure serves a purpose. A Cameron slap is met with a Nikki forearm and the rack attack for the win. This wasn't bad, but looked more like two people impersonating wrestlers.


PTPs bit. DY cries about the New Day winning the belts. They make a New Day box and try to get a PTP clap going. Titus tells them to make the PTP shirts on WWEShop. They've added claps to the Millions of Dollas dance. KOTR recap is next.

BUT FIRST, Seth talks to Dean about how Dean should back out of it. Somehow, they recapped this whole epic tourney in about two minutes. At 9:37, Dean came out for the main event - so thank God he agreed to fight, or they'd have nothing set up for the show now. Seth came down at 9:43, so they're giving it at least a bit of time. Dean uses Pentagon Jr's arm snapper, minus the snap, to start the match. They exchange some matwork before Dean gets a modified Regal stretch and a Rollins chant goes through the building. Byron talked about the real star of this whole deal - Kane and how Seth is disrespecting him. Noble says there's a timeout, which Dean doesn't believe and goes after Seth. Seth gets the edge and Dean gets stomped by the goons for a break. Kane comes down, still shirtless for some reason. 

They come back and Seth gets some kicks in. Dean gets a bulldog and hits a dropkick and a suicide dive. Back suplex facebuster by Dean gets 2. Schoolboy gets 2, but Dirty Deeds is countered with a kick for 2. O'Connor roll sends Seth into Kane for 2 and then Seth gets backdropped onto Kane. Dean elbows the pile. Kane chokes Seth, so that should be a DQ. Ref tells Kane he'll DQ he can he DQ Kane? Dean is sent into the steps and then Seth goes for the stomp before remembering he can't and doing his stupid DDT for the win. Bullshit - should've been a DQ with the choking. All the heels beat up Dean before THE BIG DAWG saw just about enough and came down to save his little buddy.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Jerry Springer Too Hot for TV Episode 1 - Love Hurts

The intro features a ton of censored clips with a bit of thong and cleavage stuff thrown in. A CG brick set is behind Jerry as he says love hurts in WWE. Marc Mero and Sable are recapped in '97 before he comes back as "Marvelous" Marc, the jealous lover. We get a bit of sideboob as she's interrupted by Marc putting her dress on. They've got all the HD cropping going on here, so they have an easy out for some censorship if they need it. Mero's freakout during the potato sack bit is shown. We see some bare-assed shots from her cheesecake video and the Sable bomb.


Lita-Dean stuff, Rock and Lilian, Batista-Melina, and the XXX Files. Show-Vickie, Nicole-Val, Chyna-Eddie, Dawn-Torrie, Trish-Jericho, and best of all - Edge-Lita. Steph wedding montage, including HHH admitting to basically date rape with Steph. The cropping really ruins the classic HHH-Trish shot. HHH-Steph divorce angle including HHH hitting the traditional pedigree to Vince. Dawn-Al montage where they bring up his erection and show the death angle.

Billy and Chuck recap. These two really did have great chemistry as a team, and hey, they made a star (temporarily) out of Chuck Palumbo. The Bischoff makeup remains fantastic even now. AND THEN THEY SHOW THE SWERVE of them not actually being gay, and thus undoing any progression with it. Rico is pissed and man is Eric great. They cut out the 3 Minutes bit, but show the 3MW invasion.

Sexual Chocolate montage. I could've lived a lifetime without seeing Mark Henry with a ballgag in his mouth. Henry-Mae montage leads to Henry-Chyna. Sammy montage, including Sammy going down on Mark. "OH SWEET JESUS, YOU GOTTA PENIS!" If they actually had Henry's mother in the crowd for this angle...ugh. He's earned his money just for this idiocy. Usual final This was like a censored clip show of the Attitude era. Other than the Sable stuff, nothing really delivered on the fanservice.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

WWE King of the Ring 2015

WWE did a pretty horrible job hyping this up, but the brackets do showcase a series of good matches. Vergne gets a tribute graphic to start things off. Generic KOTR video from Raw airs here. King comes down to hype up the tournament as best he could given that it's a total rushjob that they botched despite a tourney being so easy to book. Filler with a Raw recap - so even with this being a one hour show, they don't feel much of a need to give things time.

MORE FILLER WITH BYRON INTERVIEWING SHEAMUS. Sheamus really wants a lot of men to kiss his ass. MORE FILLER WITH RENEE INTERVIEWING NEVILLE. At 8:08, we get to the first match on this one hour show. Sheamus looks so awesome with this lighting setup for his intro. THEMANTHATGRAVITYFORGOTTHENEWSENSATIONNEVILLE came out afterwards.


 I should really get around to updating Neville's gear in FPR - it looks like it would be fairly easy to do and get it more accurate than his old stuff. Tilt a whirl backbreaker takes Neville down. Corner knee sets up a basic kneelift. Neville gets a brief break with a flying forearm. Neville avoids the chest clubbering, so Sheamus nailed the ribs and chucked him into the announce table while JBL called him ugly. White Noise hits before Dolph talks to him for a bit. Neville gets a Cro Cop kick and the Red Arrow for the win. So a "little fella" can only beat a big guy with help.


 Dolph rattles on for a bit about THE STIPULATION - he wants Sheamus to kiss HIS BACKSIDE! They get into a sissy fight. Jesus. Sheamus got fucked up. Didn't even get busted up on something that looked good. The nine year-long WWE Network video package aired.

Recap of Dolph pounding on Sheamus - this is a bit of filler, but it does give that some context. Neville is shown in the finals and Renee meets with BNB. Barrett looks at least 45, and it works for him. Byron meets with Truth. Truth says he's gonna become KANG and declare that we gonna ban spiders, B! Something about castles and more spider-killing. I have no idea what this is, but I'm overjoyed to not have a promo with WWE Universe all over it. JBL buries Hillary Clinton. So Vince has both JBL and Sheamus out as his on-air surrogates.

Cole says that BNB is looking past Truth, who eats some punches. Truth gets an O'Connor roll for 2. Rope hung knees and a big boot hit for BNB. JBL talks about Nero for a bit. Truth gets a series of nearfalls, then BNB gets one. Barrett gets a Bull Hammer out of nowhere after blinding Truth and wins. Cole talks about Verne and they give him a tribute video. Let's go from a video devoted to the promo-heavy AWA to a super-shitty promo from Dolph. Dolph says Sheamus shouldn't worry about kissing his ass - HE'LL KICK IT!


Recap of the Neville-BNB match. So in case you forgot Neville won, and know that WWE loves 50/50 booking, here's something to remind you that BNB is winning. To further that point, Neville got a jobber intro. Barrett destroys the ribs for a while. Awesome flip from Neville out of a slingshot backbreaker led to some sweet kicks. Super Asai moonsault to the floor. Sliding dropkick nails BNB and his bridging German gets 2. Winds of Change gets 2. Neville gets 2.9 and a high kick. SSP is avoided and he rushes into a BULL HAMMER FOR THE WIN. ALL HAIL KING BARRETT!


Barrett gets the king getup and he says that finally, there's a man with enough class to be king. They added pyro to the deal too. This was a pretty skippable affair, sadly.


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Monday, April 27, 2015

WWE Raw 4-27-15

The show begins not with a PPV recap, but a King of the Ring one. So odd to see a KOTR recap instead of a PPV one - if you didn't watch the PPV, you'd have no idea what this was about because THEY DIDN'T ANNOUNCE IT BEFORE THE PPV. Generic Raw intro sets up pyro. Such a shame Seth still has Generic CAW Theme #5. Seth said words until he annoyed Kane saying that he won BY HIMSELF. He thanks his soldiers, and says Kane is the best one. He's the cryptkeeper...whoops, he didn't mean that - that's a relic from the '90s. Kane is the gatekeeper and he kept the gate so good. Kane says he'd rather be WWE's crypt keeper than WWE's Justin Bieber. Orton comes out. So now Seth is Catwoman AND Justin Bieber. Wouldn't want the World Champion to be taken seriously or anything. THE BIG DAWGGERNAUT is out!

 Roman stands on the announce table and says Show isn't around because he flipped a table on him and speared him through one. Roman repeats the Bieber stuff. Ugh. Roman says he deserves a shot and Kane says he'll do what's best for business - talking! Or a tag team match, and the fans will pick Seth's opponent for Payback. Graphic for Dolph-Barrett. The 90 year WWE Network video aired.

Whichever ring announcer was there said "King. of. the. Ring" like Taryn did on ECW. Dolph cut an inset promo on Sheamus - there's going to be PAYBACK. Boy, and there's a show named Payback... Barrett said we'd see KING we won't. They do some moves for a minute before a break. Riveting TV. Post-break chinlock from Barrett. This is exactly like every other Barrett-Dolph match ever. Wacky bit where Booker says he was a king from England. They talk about, of course, HOW MANY HALL OF FAMERS WERE KING OF THE RING. Bull hammer is ducked, leading to a superkick and Sheamus distracting him. Since Dolph is a babyface and thus a moron, he lost via bull hammer. All right, so we're getting Ambrose vs. Harper in the semi-finals, and Barrett-Dean in the finals. Love the New Day showing someone how to clap.

Xavier and E are the champs here. Love Xavier being a former TNA and WWE Tag Team Champion. They finally did something about that third clap by making it "New Day Rocks!" Kidd's facing E here. Big E goes down after an apron kick and springboard dropkick. Big E lariat wins thanks to Woods holding Tyson's foot down. Chain match pics. Ryback's out. Please for the love of God, start this Ryback-Bray deal now. Ryback vs. Bo, who he killed last night. And here i thought they were just killing time tonight.

Bo takes control...well, didn't see that coming. Booker buried Bo for being fat and Ryback hit his two big moves and won. FINALLY, Bray Wyatt appeared and hit him with Abigail to a nice pop. Cena's open challenge is next.


Cena says that he wonders what Lana did in 10 minutes in the Authority's office to get another title shot. Yada yada yada. If Cena quits, he will have disgraced the title, THE UNITED STATES, AND ALL AMERICANS. Also, if Rusev wins, Cena will never challenge for the title because he doesn't deserve it. Slater's new gear is why does he still have the 3MB theme!? Rusev attacks Slater and kicks him off the stage. Lana comes out and waves and gets bullied. Jesus, Raw's only 1/3 over. Kane talked to Seth about using the WWE app to vote between Roman, Randy, or Randy and Roman in a triple threat match. A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH IS THE LAST THING HE WANTS!? Welp...

Truth's out to face Stardust in leather pants. As king, he'll get rid of all spidas. Stardust came out and has added more wacky mannerisms and monikers to his persona. Jesus. So now, we get the semi-finals and finals tomorrow night - so even as of earlier today, things have changed. Booker compares Cody to Ali's name change, which JBL goes on and on about. I maintain that the wrestlers shouldn't bother taking a single bump if the commentators aren't going to talk about anything going on in the match.  Now Booker is talking about the Flintstones. Stardust did a cartwheel and squatted next to the ropes. Booker asked just why he was doing this stupid shit. After some kicks and cradles, Truth won with the Lie Detector forearm.

WWE Network Week was rundown - they should always be doing this. Fandango's out and Booker's talking about how EVERYONE IS FANDANGOING...but no one is shown doing it. JBL talks about the Rosebuds being "luchas". LOL @ Cole losing his shit over "boy, she's hit skid row." Rose won with a distraction Party Foul. Riveting television here. Rosa cut a longer promo than she should cut at about 25 seconds. Rosa and Fandango made out mid-ring while Fandango was disgusted.

Brie is strangely elated for this promo talking about her husband's career possibly being over. Brie. talked about. Her husband. Having his. Cinderalla moment. He loves WWE. More than anything. else. Only time. Can tell. But they are so. grateful for. the WWE Universe. Naomi attacked her. Jesus this show sucks.

Kinda chuckling at the implication there that Brie is tougher than Bryan because she's medically cleared and he isn't. Brie's facing Naomi. Brie Mode knee and dropkick hit. Naomi gets a wacky small package and wins clean, unlike Nikki did last week - so wouldn't that make her the defacto face here?

Dean's out and Cole said Dean stole a, no he didn't. Dean said as king, he would ban taxes on ale and ban pop country. JBL says he likes Shania Twain here in 2015. Sheamus wants to make every man in his kingdom kiss his arse. Okay then... Sheamus grinds away on the mat and avoids a dive for a break. Sheamus gets a post-break chinlock. Stuff. Sheamus misses a charge and hits the post. Sheamus gets the cloverleaf. Diving elbow gets 2. Dolph jumps Sheamus, who advances as a result.


Recap of last week's Miz-Mizdow thing. I'd forgotten about Miz saying A STAR WILL BE BORN. Well, that was a lie. Sandow said he'd never lie to fans, and three years ago, he had a bathrobe and thought he'd enlighten everyone. He was told he wasn't entertaining enough. Recap of him being a goober. "Let's make him a star...but first, let's show him being a geek for months on end." He's not sure where he's going...which leads to Axel.


Don't worry guys - he MIGHT be above Curtis Axel! Axel can't stand impersonators. BWAHAHA - GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S COPYING HULK HOGAN! Sandow impersonated him. Christ, this is literally Full House-level humor. AND THIS ACTUALLY GOT THE CROWD GOING. That's how bad this show has been. Sandow is basically just doing a mentally challenged impression here - there's no other way to put it. Elbow of Disdain leads to the legdrop. Sandow has a new theme - it's opening-match rock. New Day face the ex-champs in a title rematch on SD.

Tough Enough burial time. They begged fans to please shoot in landscape mode. It's THEMANTHATGRAVITYFORGOTTHENEWSENSATIONNEVILLE Harper wants a throne of barb wire - his reign of terror is coming to WWE. LONG LIVE THE KING! This has potential! Neville dropkicks him off the apron and lands an off the apron rana. Post-break chinlock leads to Neville getting a top rope Asai moonsault. Running powerbomb hits and gets 2. Half nelson suplex hits, but Neville gets a high kick and Red Arrow for the win. At least they're putting over his finisher strongly.

BIG DAWG comes down, then Orton, then the heels. JBL rambles on about how Heath should be an option for the title match and says that if you download the app, HE'S STILL TALKING. Verne Gagne has apparently passed away according to Mean Gene on Twitter. Everyone does moves and occasionally, they're called. JBL's going on about how unfair a triple threat would be.

Kane got 2 off a clothesline to Roman. Seth comes in, gets schoolboyed, and hit with a Rampage powerbomb. Heel miscues lead to the babyfaces hitting their finishers and Orton beating Seth. Triple threat is chosen and Roman hits a cheap spear. Boy this show sucked.

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