Monday, February 29, 2016

WWE Raw 2-29-16

Recap of last week's finish. Look at that DASTARDLY HEEL HHH as he kicks the ass of his enemy who violently attacked his elderly father in law! YES, RAW STARTS WITH A RECAP OF HHH FOLLOWED BY HHH! And then we see Roman's face post-beating. Boy is Roman getting over great here. HHH rambles on about authority before Dean's putt-putt theme hits. HHH with "comedy" about the Oscars. Dean rambles on a bit about HHH being scared of him before HHH says that crazy stuff was THIS SCHTICK YOU PUT ON SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK HE'S COOL. Jesus. Taker returns later and we hear "And remember, if Shane wins, he gets control of WWE". Shocked that this is such an afterthought.

Becky vs. Sasha is up. Fine back and forth stuff before the break, but nothing special. Charlotte and Flair are at ringside next to the commentators NOT TALKING. They try to redo what they're doing with Joe and Sami by having a double pin off the sunset bomb. This was a weak way to finish what was otherwise a fine, but unspectacular match. Dolph's out to face Miz, who beats him with a schoolboy off a chest-first buckle bump. WHAT?! Next, we get a recap of last week's show.

Steph comes out after a long recap of that and we get a RANDY SAVAGE chant followed by a WE WANT SHANE chant. Long story short - SHANE, I'M ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M A MCMAHON - BUT HOW DARE YOU BE ENTITLED BECAUSE YOU'RE A MCMAHON. She was both horrible and great at times here, and did get out the venom when talking about Shane and how EVERYONE WILL BOW TO THEIR QUEEN - HER!

Lucha Dragons against Rusev and Sheamus. Heels win with a superkick on Kalisto, who eats a big double stomp. Nattie and Renee plug Subway in the worst way ever. Ryback promo where he says the spotlight is going to be on him or he'll take it. Ryback beats him up and lands an awful backpack stunner and worse mounted punches. Rose in tiny bike shorts really make his legs look tiny, and he jobs to the Shellshock.

New Day promo about how they're the best three-man team ever. Surprisingly, this doesn't lead a Freebirds HOF video or a Hayes promo - instead, they face Y2AJ.AJ flies around like a champ for Big E, leading to Kofi and Jericho having slow-motion exchanges. Jericho catches Kofi's kick and wins with the Walls. Jericho really looks like 2016 Dave Coulier trying to look like 1992 Dave Coulier in the close-up replay of the finish. Taker is next.

Chrisley shows up for half a second in the crowd. Before Taker, we get Vince cutting a promo about how he loves Shane more than Shane loves him. He loves him so much that he'll pit him against WWE's most destructive force - THE UNDERTAKER. No matter how many times you see it, Taker's intro is amazing. Vince says Taker is HIS FORCE and Taker chokes him. "The blood of your son is gonna be on your hands - not mine!" So now the storyline is that THE POOR LITTLE RICH  BOY is gonna be less super-rich if he loses. What stakes. And also, that Vince will renounce him as his son - he will just be a son of a bitch. This is pretty weird.


Dudleys heel turn recap. Bubba's out to face an Uso, and they're back in their stupid glasses. Devon hits an Uso with a table and then the other one eats a Bubba bomb for a loss. Golden Truth skit backstage with Truth just telling him off before he can say anything, so Goldust slinks away and now Truth feels guilty. Show vs. Owens gets a quick verbal recap and the match starts with Show hitting a spear. They fight on the floor so Owens can get a 7 count, and then a DDT hits on the floor too. Owens gets crotched up top and counted out. YES - THEY'RE 50/50! Renee welcomes her guest, Brie Bella who faces Naomi. Brie. Was. Not Ashamed. Of losing. She put up. A strong fight. Lana tells her that she bites the big one. She has a figure and Brie has no body, while Rusev is a BIG MAN and Brie is married to a little goat-man!

The match begins and Naomi just runs wild before Tamina pulls Brie's ankle and she bumps on the apron. Tamina distracts her and Naomi wins with That New Submission From Naomi! Dean faces Alberto and we'll hear if he gets a shot at HHH for the title later. Becky and Sasha argue for a bit before Charlotte informs them that they'll get a second match on SD. Good God. The ac-ting. Here. Dean vs. Alberto in the main event gets very little reaction from the crowd. They brawl on the floor and ADR gets the wacky double stomp on the barricade. Dean dives to the pile on the floor with the elbow and then HHH comes down. League jumps Dean and it's a DQ in the Raw main event. HHH talks shit and Dean attacks. Wow - it's possible for a babyface to get a pop against HHH! HHH pedigrees him and that's it. They've got something in Dean, clearly - hopefully they see it after WM.  Preferably before though, and HHH gives him his title match.


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

WWE NXT 2-24-16

American Alpha come out with a new black based green, blue, and pink READY WILLING AND GABLE towel. A STAR IS ALEXA BLISS and her two guys come out to face them. Gable starts things off with Murphy - the guy with long tights. Gable outwrestles him with ease on the mat. Jordan tags in and rolls around with him a bit before tagging Gable back in to do some more ground-based armwork. TAKEDOWN CHAIN BY GABLE! VINTAGE FLYING HEADSCISSORS leads to Graves saying he's going all Ricky Morton on everyone. The wacky neon headband on Gable works for him. More RNR offense with a double dropkick for an ad break. DOUBLE NORTHERN LIGHTS FOR A 2. More armwork, but Murphy gets a slight edge. Jordan gets a hot tag and it's time for suplex city! Pop-op back suplex gets the win!

Joe-Zayn recap. Regal says that Sami faces Joe in a 2/3 falls match to determine a number one contender. Next week, a big new talent will debut. Bayley and Carmella face Eva and Nia in the main event, but first, Crews is in action. He'll face Christopher Gerard. Crews can't quite get a suplex, and the crowd just dies. Gerard lands some nice forearms and a sliding European uppercut after a battle cry for 2. And endless chinlock isn't helping this match. Tackle and some awful punches hit for Crews. Stinger splash hits and leads to a leaping sitout lariat. Gerard hops over, but slips and eats an enzuiguri on the apron. Atomic whip powerbomb wins.

 Bayley and Carmella chat a bit about getting payback on Eva and Nia. Ciampa faces Bull Dempsey next. It's a ProWrestlingTees spectacular! They talk about Bull Fit having 15 stages, and Bull's only on about stage 8 1/2 before they mock him for his short shirt that he can't get off. Bull gets a pop GETTING A SHIRT OFF HIS BODY. Test of strength leads to JUMPING JACKS! GOD WHY DID THEY FIRE THIS MAN. This pure gimmick rules. Ciampa lands a flying divorce court. Ciampa lands some knees to the back, but HE CAN'T MOVE BULL - HE'S TOO FAT. "Nuclear reactors don't have cores that strong!" Thank God Graves got out of the ring before concussions ruined him at a young age. Great high knee strike by Ciampa gets 2. Bull fights back with some Dusty punches while he has a dusty polka dot on his gear. Ciampa gets the bridging armbar for the win. Ciampa mocks him with jumping jacks. God, I loved this thing. Kind of a pedestrian show until now, but this ruled.

Samoa Joe promo! He's intense, he's been ripped off and screwed over since day one, and he's gunning for the gold. Sami says he's ready for 2/3 and he has tunnel vision on becoming the first-ever two-time NXT Champion. Nia comes out first, followed by super-hot Eva. Corey is the world's biggest Eva fan, and overjoyed to see her and her outfit on his birthday. Carmella comes out followed by IT'S BAYLEY! Carmella Thesz presses Eva and lands punches. Bayley is tagged and they double suplex Eva for 2 before Nia gets tagged in.

Nia headbutts her down. Eva comes in and eats a drop toehold before Carmella comes in again. Carmella and Bayley do the Staten Island shuffle deal. Nia blind tags herself in and lands a shoulderbreaker on Carmella. Eva poses, but that costs her as Carmella gets 2 off a schoolboy. Nia comes in and bearhugs her. Eva comes in with her awful corner stomps. I wouldn't say she's stomping a mudhole and walking it dry - more like stomping a small pudding cup. Nia comes in and misses a shoulder charge sending her to the floor. Bayley runs wild on Eva. Carmella comes in and gets her headcissors submission, but Nia makes the save. Nia drags Eva over, tags herself in and Nia legdrops Carmella three times, but Eva tags in to win. Regal and Balor are backstage and Regal says that Finn's reign is among the longest of NXT history - wow, like three years. Regal makes Balor vs. Neville in a battle of the two longest-reigning NXT Champions. Hey, it's logical and simple - I dig it.

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Tuesday, February 23, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 2-23-16

We get a hype video for Lockdown hyping it as a show with a STEEL DEATH TRAP! JB's commentary sounds overdubbed, and we start with Beer Money. Heels come out and we get brawling outside the ring here in THE OPENER OF THE ALL-CAGE MATCH SHOW. Of the many things about Josh that annoy him, his moniker of "THE TERRIFYING TERROR TWINS!" for the heels is one of them. Heels trap Storm on the floor by closing the door. Storm comes in and slams Bram's face into the cage a bunch. Super lungblower and a super rana by Storm. Superkick by Storm to EY. Synchronized swimming kneeling punch exchange from everyone. God, this show is just depressing to look at - the building is dark, everything looks dingy, and Beer Money wins with DWI on Bram.

EC3 comes out for a promo. He talks about his head being caved in with a chair and Reby giving him hepatitis Hardy. He calls out his friend Spud. EC3 says that a year ago, they tore the house down and he's really sorry he shaved his head. EC3 said Spud was brave, and Spud said that Matt was pure evil and rotten to the core now. Hardy and his big PJs came out and talked for a bit. Cable went out and when it came back, Helms was hyping up Trevor Lee while Josh called him GS Helms. They really do nothing of note for eons until Uno gets a dive off the top of the cage for 2, here in MATCH 2 OF LOCKDOWN. Lee gets up, hits a jumping knee and wins with God's Last Gift. So the moral is don't do dives off the cage, because if you do, you'll lose - and you're a real idiot to do it with a bad shoulder. Gail and Maria argue a bit and Gail challenges her to join the team because Madison was taken out. Match is next.

Rosemary's weird ex-boyfriend and/or stalker gave her a gift and then she cackled with Crazzy Steve. Jade and Gail start off Lethal Lockdown. Jade gets a rana and thrtows Gail into the steps before kicking her face. A break eats up a lot of the five minute portion. Marti rushes in and attacks Gail. Velvet runs down and attacks basically like a sugar-rushed kid with things resembling lariats and elbows. Rebel comes down and hits some bad kicks before doing an STO, but first doing a bridge. Jade goes for a cane shot, but ala Kurt, Gail ducks and she bonks herself. Maria comes out in her hot assariffic gear before leaving, locking the cage, and man do I wish that Pop's feed looks like true HD this week. Double team flapjack to Jade off the top. Everyone does stuff with a kendo stick, but Jade hits the package piledriver on Gail on a chair for a win. This was an entertaining, but bad match - best part of the show though. EC3 meets with Kurt, who reminds him that it's his farewell tour - but EC3 IS THE GUY. Decay video highlights mist and Rosemary's cleavage.
Kurt comes out and talks for a second before LASHLEY COMES OUT TO CARRY THE PROMO. Lashley says he wanted to light a fire under Kurt, but he didn't - so Kurt's all pissed and wants the match now. Eli is mid-ring cutting a promo on Grado before ODARG comes out and Josh says that it's Grado spelled backwards and stumbles over calling himself a private investigator. Pope says that it needs to be proven that Grado is Odarg, and Josh points out that WE ALL SAW THAT LAST WEEK. They have a bad match and Odarg pulls down Eli's trunks for a really long moon spot. Odarg gets the cannonball as his singlet lettering falls off. Josh and Pope bury Odarg for going for the cage instead of using the door. Odarg wins when he falls while Eli holds the mask, and we get more and more maskless shots. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ANGLE!?

Decay meets with Jimmy Havoc, who is standing up for her - she's his muse. They beat him up and leave him with his mask on the ground. Backstage, Eli says he should be fired and Billy Corgan...just agrees and he's fired while Josh says "that's one last pay per appearance check!". So now the company is mocking how poor it is. They try a big-match feel by showing warmups and each guy walking to the entranceway. It isn't doing much for me, but they're trying.

Tyrus throws a chair into EC3, while Pope says it's not right - but it's okay. Side Effect gets 2. Side Effect on the chair gets 2.5. TK-3 hits for 2 and then Tyrus comes in while EC3 gives him a double bird and a hearty "fuck you!". Tyrus tries to lock EC3 to the rope, but EC3 tricks him and locks him on the rope. Chairs to the big man. Twist out of nowhere for 2. Super Russian legsweep by EC3 gets 2 and a punch exchange leads to a ballshot by Matt. Matt yells NOW YOU DIE! and goes for the necktie Twist and hits it for 2.9. Reby comes out with a hammer, but Spud prevents her from hitting him with it so he can slam the door on EC3. Well, EC3 was a dick to him a year ago - why should he suddenly be friends with him? Matt gives him a chair and tells him he deserves it for all the sins against him. Well, Matt is bringing up a logical point here. EC3's head is against the steps and Spud chairshots him. Josh says that Matt is both REPULSIVE AND REPUGNANT!

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Monday, February 22, 2016

WWE Raw 2-22-16

Fastlane recap focusing on Roman and Dean's battle. We see the Facebook video of Brock attacking Dean, sans knees that missed. Vince comes out in some amazing brown shoes and talks about how for over 100 years, his family has promoted SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. Vince gives the award to Stephanie, who tries to act.  SHANE O HAS RETURNED FROM JAPAN! Vince is shocked he didn't arrive with Nakamura. Shane's bright red and white shoes are something else. This is great and yet awful - because it's going to lead to even more of the McMahons all over TV because they are truly the biggest stars in the company. Shane says that HHH and Steph have killed the company. "Let's look at THE STOCK, RATINGS, DOWN INTO THE GROUND!" It would be great if they outright said things instead of just hinted a whole bunch about Steph and HHH seemingly being ousted by Shane.

Shane talks about how great it is to be free of Vince's control. Shane wants control of Raw. "WHERE RAW GOES, WWE GOES!" Poor SmackDown. Vince says he'll give him what he wants if he does a match against someone of his choosing. YES! We're gonna get Shane vs. HHH! Vince talks about beating Shane and USA just nixes this instantly. Vince makes Shane vs. The Undertaker. SHANE VS. THE UNDERTAKER. The match that no one ever even wanted to do in a video game comes to life! And it's inside Hell in a Cell. Many chapters of this book are currently missing. Most of them involving Taker's involvement in this.

Neville and the Lucha Dragons face New Day. Crazy pop for New Day, who plugged Booty-Os in an inset promo. WWEShop needs to sell Booty-Os boxes - they'd make a mint! Nothing really much to the match beyond Kofi winning with a mask twist on Kalisto and a Trouble in Paradise to win. Roman appears and gets booed out of the building. Jo-jo and Ro-man said words to each-oth-er. For. A. While. Christ. Brock is next - could Raw just be 1 hour this week?

Brock gets a huge suplex city chant, which reminds me that Roman gets taken to boo-plex city every week. Heyman says that everything involving Brock is the main event because he is the biggest box office attraction in sports entertainment or MMA because his client is Brock Lesnar. And boy once that WWE deal is up will Bellator have an offer for him. "Pissed off" gets muted by USA. Heyman hates ALL THEZE FLIPZ and destroys his mic - so he gets another and says if he's destructive, just imagine how destructive Brock is. SO SAYETH THE ADVOCATE, SO SAYETH THE BEAST, SO SAYETH THE CONQUEROR, SO SAYETH THE MAIN EVENT BROCK LESNAR! Heyman's good at this talking thing.

Sirens blare. It's time for the BIG BAD TITTY MASTAH! Dean comes into the building driving his ambulance. I haven't seen a guy this hurt from shots that didn't connect since Dada 5000's fight. Brock shoves him down and Dean tells him to kiss his ass and he wants him at Mania in a street fight. Well, this is where Extreme Rules would make sense - but that's the next month, so whatever. F5 on the floor! Heyman accepts.

Usos come back to face the Dudleys. Bubba's throat is sore, and the raspy voice works for this act. Ascension jumps the Usos. JBL says "They were hardcore before HARDCORE BECAME SOME SILLY INTERNET TERM!" No, they didn't - they were literally in that exact era. Usos beat them with the double superkick/splash combo. 

Jericho cuts a promo on AJ and wants him to come down to the ring. They have mutual respect before the Outcasts come out. Y2AJ is a better name than say...Y2Aging. Axel and his bald spot lose to the Walls. HHH and Steph have a meeting about what to say to Roman. Roman vs. Sheamus on Raw...remember when Sheamus beat Roman, was WWE Champion, and the League of Nations was the top heel faction for 2 weeks? Goldust makes Truth a cake to say he's sorry for costing him his match at Fastlane. Wyatts are out for their Fastlane rematch.

JBL puts over Ryback's HUGE NEW MOVESET, which includes sunset flipping himself. Ryback hits an awful spinebuster to Rowan. Ryback comes back from a break with a missile dropkick off the top. Ryback gets tagged out, leaves and Kane eats Abigail to lose. Jesus. Ryback says the spotlight should be on him - and his issues aren't with Show and Kane. He's gonna break the glass ceiling and take the brass ring. FINALLY THE 300 POUND MUSCLEBOUND MAN WON'T BE HELD BACK IN WWE!

Sasha's out to face Naomi. Thank God Cole reminded us of Twitter yesterday to build this match up. Not much to the match until Becky prevents interference from Tamina to give her a win. Charlotte wears a CHAMPION shirt in the Bella typeface. Charlotte talks about AMY POLER!? And mocks the faces for their bad hair dye. Ric's face and $20 jacket that he stole from a used car salesman amused me here. Sheamus has a new giant beard, or I just didn't notice it last night, and united with his buddies. We get a blink and you miss it mention of Godfather going into the HOF. JBL legit said NO ONE IS MORE DESERVING THAN THE GODFATHER TO GO INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME!

Roman comes down, then Sheamus and Roman gets attacked by the League on the floor. CAN ROMAN OVERCOME THE ODDS!? "That's Triple H - the greatest competitor of all-time!" comes down and a brawl breaks out. HHH is already the babyface here as the big badass, and the fans pop for his offense and boo for Roman's. HHH hits him in the throat with the bell. HHH smashes Roman's head into the announce table to greater cheers while JBL talks about how HHH has beaten the best ever.  We get some fake-looking blood for all this while Cole puts him over as The King of Kings. "He may have assassinated Roman Reigns" YA FUCKIN THINK!? And then he pedigrees him and crotch chops him. Well, the WM main eventer is dead. Fucking dead. Hilarious stuff though, but Roman was killed tonight.

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Sunday, February 21, 2016

WWE Fastlane 2016

Fastlane pre-show is up. Corey has the perfect douchey beard. Damned onion ninjas are attacking during this epic Daniel Bryan video. video. Crisp. Clean. CLEVER!? WHAT ON WWE.COM IS CLEVER!?  This Heyman-narrated video for the main event is fantastic. Heyman chats about HHH vs. Brock at WM after tonight. After the first three Brock-HHH matches, I'm so ungodly happy that we aren't getting another match. They spent A YEAR OF BROCK'S CAREER as a part-timer feuding him just with HHH. Bunch of good that did each man. Why isn't The Cutting Edge Peep Show on the pre-show and THE MATCH on the actual show? "I'M JUST KIDDIN MARIO!" Oh JBL. Mauro is so great. Mauro goes into the history of 2/3 falls being traditional title matches in Mexico and formerly in NA too. Kalisto has some of Rey's look, but none of his physical charisma and nowhere near his skill. It's like making any random 300 pound blonde Hulk Hogan. The commentary for the show has likely peaked with the pre-show. That is just sad.

Mauro puts over the history of the title and Alberto attacks the mask. Kalisto gets a snap rana and 2, before a floor dive. Alberto mocks the LU-CHA chant. Mauro referenced ADR facing Rey in a 2/3 falls match and now he's facing Kalisto. Even by wacky lucha standards, that barricade rana was all sorts of choreographed-looking. Alberto chairshots him to lose the first fall, but weaken his foe. ADR beats the daylights out of him on the barricade and steps. Nice post-fall beating. Why not do that during round 2 since nothing he did warranted a DQ? Ad break. JAKE ROBERTS ON CAMP WWE. Double stomp not off the top, but with Kalisto in the ropes wins for Alberto - so it's 1-1.

Corkscrew dive gets 2. Rey comeback gets 2. JBL talks about how Octagon trained Kalisto and he's forgotten everything. Mauro is calling everything by their proper name, and it's amazing. ADR lands the double stomp on the barricade. Kalisto could've prevented that by just NOT HOLDING ON. Moron. SDS attempt is held on, but he turns it into a flying mare into the buckle and gets a cradle for the win! AJ says he was inspired by Sting and says he played for the minor league AND THEN WENT TO JAPAN, and now he's in the major leagues. NEW DAY NETWORK PROMO!

Sasha's out - so the divas tag is the opener. Becky has added a wacky hat to her attire. I feel so much more attached to her character now. Naomi's hankerchief-inspired pants are odd. Tamina and Sasha start. Naomi lands five billion wacky hoppy kicks that would sure make sense if you were 4 years old and in a fight. It was nice of Naomi to throw herself over the top rope for Becky. Rear view gets 2. La Mistica crossface and the disarmer win! Nothing at all to this match.

"I think losing the Intercontinental Title was the best thing that could have happened to Dean Ambrose!"Cut to IC Title match. Amazing. "I'm more popular in your hometown than you are!" Owens is great, and starts with a headbutt and some dominance after a chest-first buckle bump. "Chinlock Island - ALL NIGHT LONG!" Heartstopper gets 2. This show has been 30+ minutes of matches where people have done moves and I just can't care about a lick of it. Super sidewinder suplex by Owens! Superkick by Dolph on the floor. Superkick by Owens in the ring, but he's too exhausted to cover. ANOTHER DOLPH SUPERKICK GETS 2.9! "We got a superkick party!"
Rana into the steps by Dolph gets 2. Powerbomb wins it!

Show, Ryback, and Kane with AC-TING! Heels come out, then the faces. Big guys do big guy moves for a while. Nothing exciting happens. Stream dies. Great stuff with Show tossing Harper onto the Wyatts on the floor, with Kane helping with the catch. THEN HE FLIES INTO BRAUN WITH A SPEAR! Ryback lands an awful Shellshock to win. That was legit the worst Shellshock he's ever done - and he used to do it to 2 guys. This song for the revamp seems more fitting in a vacation hotspot commercial. Jojo speaks to Roman. To-night. You face. Ba-rock Le-snar. And your. Bro-ther. Dean Am-brose. Why is Roman posing like he's in an MK 3 versus screen?

Charlotte-Brie is up next. Good God help us all. I might be too cruel - I would rather watch Brie be a bad Daniel Bryan tribute band than hear her act. Brie has new taken her husband's kickpads. Charlotte gets some awful shoulders in the corner before we get a wacky belly-holding counter to the Alabama slam. Drop LOL hold there as Charlotte just threw herself back into it. I LOLed at Charlotte taking a kick to the ass and then just walking forward and THROUGH THE ROPES PERFECTLY. Missile dropkick by Brie. Brie and Charlotte are very bad at playing pro wrestlers. Brie follows up on her husband's kicking sequence with X-PAC'S FINISHER for 2. Brie gets an awful Yes Lock into a worse Calgary crab. Cole yells a lot. THE MORE I YELL ABOUT THIS STORY THE MORE IMPORTANT IT IS! LOOK AT HOW MUCH I'M YELLING. Brie's knee gives out and Charlotte gets the figure 8 for the win.

AJ STYLES HISTORY PACKAGE!? We get some WCW and New Japan shown here - with the latter being in photo form. Pop-rana from AJ, who has slightly new gear tonight. Stiff chops and forearms lead to AJ taking a big bump for a backdrop. JBL references Kobashi, Kawada, Hansen, and Inoki. JBL is clearly getting his 999 yen out of NJPW World with all these puro references. Wheelbarrow facebuster gets 2 for AJ. AJ eats a Lionsault for 2. Surly, ground-based Jericho would be a smart style for him to work now. He's just not fast enough for this kind of match anymore. Springboard forearm countered by the springboard dropkick! Sloppy rana counter off the top leads to the Walls. Liontamer on the floor! AJ comes in and eats a Codebreaker! It gets 1 thanks to AJ being in the rope, and we get a Clash. CLASH ALREADY A 2.5 MOVE!? Calf Crusher is on and it wins. "AJ has cemented his position in WWE" - to be Participant 5 in Random IC Title Ladder Match at WM. Chris pulls him off the top and is angry. Could Jericho at least kinda sell the leg here? We get a handshake. "Great show of respect there AND ON EVERY WWE PPV, WE HAVE OUR KICKOFF PANEL!"

New Day on SD recap. E and C clips. New Day insults them. New Day insults LEAGUE OF NATIONS!? LEAGUE OF NATIONS BABYFACE TURN!? So now Edge and Christian and the New Day are friends for some reason. Murder Christian, someone. Anyway. This sucked. Social Outcasts are out. YES. A SPECIAL WWE NETWORK SPECIAL WWE NETWORK EXCLUSIVE BONUS MATCH! "So buckle up your seatbelts, check stop signs, and pull out carefully!". Bo rules. "Can I have a Volvo? They have great safety ratings!" Bo as Filbert from Rocko's Modern Life is great. Truth vs. Axel is a thing I paid money for. "You're a goddamn moron if you pay $60 for this show! BE LESS OF A MORON AND ONLY PAY $10!" Somehow, Truth loses and I don't care how.

MAIN EVENT TIME! Heyman introduces his man as FIGHTING OUT OF THE WINNER'S CORNER and we get a German to Roman and then an overhead belly to belly on Dean when he tries a German. Brock catches Dean on the floor for another overhead belly to belly. F5 hits Roman, but Dean saves. Spear hits Brock for 2. Superman punch to Brock, but he goes to the floor. Brock goes for an F5 to Roman through the table, but Dean low blows him!

DOUBLE POWERBOMB TO BROCK THROUGH THE TABLE! Brock recovers, but eats another one. The "brothers" fight and we get a Superman punch, but Dean knees him to avoid a spear and gets 2 off the Dirty Deeds! Roman goes for a Samoan drop, but Brock Germans both Roman and Dean as he's on Roman's shoulders! Brock gets the Kimura on Roman, but Roman gets him up and Dean chairshots the back! Brock is sent outside and Roman pins Dean with the spear! This was exciting as all hell. It was a crazy video game match, but made you want to see WrestleMania...not so much Roman vs. HHH though. Roman gets a ridiculous amount of pyro and HHH comes down. "The Game COULD VERY WELL BE THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!"

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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

WWE NXT 2-17-16

Sami's return is chronicled, while Joe being a badass starts the show off. The crowd pan shows FANS IN ASCENSION SHIRTS. Enzo and Cass come out, and damn does Enzo have the charisma of 20 men. American Alpha comes out in what can only be described at Marty Jannetty's '93 getup in singlet form. I don't know what happened to the BAMF guy in just trunks, but he's got a gut and no physique to speak of now. Mechanics have new red gear and clank their belts together. Everyone just kinda brawls for a bit. Luckily, this isn't Impact - so it didn't last 75 minutes. Dawson hits a big running elbow to Gable. Dash hits a European uppercut for 2. FANTASTIC stuff with all the faces just hitting shit on the heels before Jordan hits a slick overhead belly to belly holding Dawson. The assisted back suplex only gets 2 due to Dash, but the Rocket Launcher wins. This was super-fun.

Ferrari Logo chick talks to a generic human before Dana and Emma interrupt. Emma comparing herself and Dana's losses to Asuka to Michael Jordan having an off day ruled. Asuka's gonna kill Ferrari Logo chick! Asuka kicks her left leg out, leaving her back open on the mat for MORE KICKS. Flying kneebar by Asuka, but Dionna gets the ropes. Big forearms, but A SLAP PISSES ASUKA OFF! A BEATING IS A TRANSPIRING! Big kick to the ribs. Ankle lock! ANKLE TRAP GERMAN FOR 2. Backfist series and a spinkick of death wins it.

Bayley-Carmella recap. Eva and her black and red lipstick talked smack to Asuka. Tye is out to face Alex Riley. Graves says he's so glad that Riley's back in the ring because it means he's away from the desk. Well, he was pretty awful. Riley looks like a knockoff HHH you'd see in Five Star Wrestling - or an English language version of Firepro. Graves says that Riley looks like a guy who is bitter over a bad Uber ride. Human Friend talks about how Riley is angry that fans care about Sami and others, but not him. He didn't even know Riley was in the building when he returned - ouch. Tye gets a wonky cradle for the win.

Balor says that Sami knows what it takes to be champion, and whoever wins tonight, he'll face them and win. Baron threatens Regal in a very dark office - Regal looks shocked and terrified. American Alpha faces Blake and Murphy next week, while Bayley and Carmella face Eva and Nia. Joe comes out to face Sami. Basic matwork leads to Joe slapping him when they stand. Joe rushes him, but gets low-bridged. The Edge and Christian Show ad mocking how bad the show is amuses me. Joe lands some kicks to the legs, but Sami fights back with punches and forearms. Big European uppercut against the ropes makes Zayn rubber-armed. He's limp against the ropes and eats slaps - I dig this.

Joe as a bully and Sami as a face in peril are just perfect. Sami lands a big lariat when Joe rushes after him. HUGE lariat from Sami! Joe rains elbows to the neck to avoid the Blue Thunder Bomb - but he goes for it again and hits for 2! Joe rains down punches and gets 2 off a snap slam. CORNER EXPLODER BY SAMI! Helluva kick countered into the clutch, but Sami goes for the ropes - so Joe drags him into the ropes to keep it locked on. Joe goes for the muscle buster, but Sami flips out and hits the Helluva kick for the win - but he covers him in such a way that Joe's hand is on Sami's body, and Sami's shoulders are down. It's the old HBK-HHH finish, but it works. Regal wants to know who win, and Drake Younger makes it a draw. This was a great little match that set up a rematch perfectly.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 2-16-16

Pop's pre-Impact ad features wacky sound effects for strikes. Decay-Wolves recap video starts things up. BIG MONEY MATT recap. Dixie and EC3 have a meeting and Dixie says EC3 will have his rematch at Lockdown next week. Also, LOCKDOWN IS NEXT WEEK. EC3 comes out and slaps hands while jogging around the ring - this act works as a face act surprisingly well. EC3 says that he will bring vengeance and fury, but he needs to use his fists tonight and he wants Tyrus - who he says might be breastfeeding Maxel. EC3 calls him salami tits - EC3 is strangely obsessed with Tyrus's man-boobs. EC3 bonks him with the mic and they have a bad brawl on the floor. Matt jumps him in new wacky silver zebra-print PJs with gold trim. Crowd chants for Spud, so it seems like we'll get a tag match main event later. Matt makes just a challenge.

EY says that HE'S THE KING because he's KOTM champion and he's also God. He challenges anyone in the crowd to take it from him, and between the King deal and England, it's a shame it isn't Barrett. EY says that Jeff Hardy won't be taking it from him, but Beer Money's theme hits. EY says that he already beat Roode, so he's nothing. Storm says this isn't Springer - it's Impact, and he looks so much older with the Beer Money headband on. Storm faces him and he gets a quick 2 off a DDT. Everyone gets into a fight and we get a double countout. They fight into the crowd, which goes to hell when they go into the darkened area. Why it's darkened when they actually have fans there, I have no idea. And they just cut away to Drew talking to EC3. Drew volunteers to team, but EC3 wants to go it alone - and Bennett is in action next.

After a break, the brawl continues. Roode and EY fight in the laundry room. This is reasonably-good stuff, but Josh just won't shut up. Maria talks for a second and then Josh talks about impressive Mike has been. Bennett talks about the Kurt deal and how he was cheap-shotted. Now he wants Drew and his case. He says he'll face the UK's own Mark Andrews, and he skateboards down for a second before just running. Bennett hits the Rainmaker punch and the MIP - Cradle Shock. He beats him down after the match, so Drew makes a save - finally, a babyface with character and morals. Rosemary talks about DECAY some more from their lair, I guess. Some crazy British guy says he hasn't forgotten about her and blows a kiss. Okay then. So it took them three weeks to give her a name on-air, and then she just suddenly has this backstory or something. Monster's Ball is next.

Drew says that Bennett's good at jumping guys, and then gets jumped for YET ANOTHER BRAWL BACKSTAGE - and the first hour isn't even over yet. DAMMIT D'LO! ODARG the Great video. Spud is in one of his more ridiculous suits on his phone, but Tyrus bullies him a bit. Matt tells him not to stick his nose in their business again and says that EC3 isn't a good guy. Great bit as Tyrus teases a choke, but just adjusts the suit a bit. Angle-Lashley hype video with clips of their first match in England last year.

Decay's font is the same as Bram's logo. Rosemary just has "it" walking to the ring. The way she carries the belts around is just eerie - and it's shouldn't be, but she's just carrying them like they're heads in a bag. Wolves land stereo baseball slide dropkicks. Within two minutes, we get tables and a barb wire board being brought out. Ad break. After it, we get Steve being sent into Abyss's balls with a ladder and dual chairshots. Chairtoss leads to a wolf going through a table on the floor. Now Abyss has Janice. Christ. This is a video game match in the worst way. Exploder into the ladder in the corner by Davey to Steve. Chokeslam by Abyss leads to chairs being tossed onto Davey.


 Pope yells about Abyss going for a superplex, but it's turned into a sunset bomb onto chairs and trash cans. Chair-assisted double stomp to Steve. Crazy bit with Abyss catching a dive on the floor, but then eating a dive and being sent through the board with a suicide dive from the other wolf. They do a downright stupid thing here with Steve putting Eddie's head in a chair, then Rosemary pours tacks on his face. Steve hits the chair and tacks just fly all over the place. Davey kisses Rosemary to prevent more misting, and then spits it at Steve before they hit Chasing the Dragon on a chair. This was fucking crazy.

EC3 walks into Spud who tells him to let him talk first for once. Dollhouse is in the ring to face Madison and Gail. Jade hits a beautiful suicide dive to the floor onto Madison. Marti lands an awful Samoan drop on Gail. Jade runs wild with kicks, including an awful spinkick that misses but gets 2 anyway. Jade turns the standing octopus hold into a double knee gutbuster for 2. That ruled. Gail counters the package piledriver and eats a lariat with a neck bump. Madison lands a clunky strike combo before an even worse discus forearm. Marti loses via 69 position cradle. Madison apparently has a new, very generic theme and then they get beaten up by the Dollhouse anyway. Velvet runs down to return and lands a stunner on Rebel that Rebel doesn't take well, and then we get a Nova DDT/Stunner combo. She calls them the Doghouse and says she didn't fly to England just to have them leave - she wants history in a knockouts Lethal Lockdown.


Shera and his GIGANTIC MOUSTACHE are backstage and "HE LIKE YOU!" He likes Odarg the great, who is clearly Grado in a very small mask. Wacky serious Grado is rather amusing. Beer Money vs. Team Angry Guys are STILL BRAWLING BACKSTAGE. They brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled. Roode tells the cameraman that next week, it's Beer Money vs. those guys in a cage. Eli is in the ring with Jessie to face Shera and Odarg. Josh mocks JB for saying that Shera is representing India. Shera does his shuffle while fans do other dances and Eli buries his stupid music. Odarg comes out to Grado's theme, does a hybrid intro of Grado's, Rock's, and Savage's and they talk about how Grado had proof he shouldn't have been fired. "He turned his gear inside out so his gear says ODARG". Pretty sure it doesn't work like that. Shera has flying mare skills about on par with several wrestling bears - so he's getting better. Odarg runs wild, and PULLS THE STRAPS DOWN OH GOD WHY. He lands the worst-looking cannonball ever, but Shera gets the sky high to take Jessie out. Eli goes for the mask, but Odarg takes it off, then trips him up with a schoolyard trip and a shitty cradle while staring at Eli with his mask off. The logic in all this is somewhat illogical, but whatever. 

Goofy ODARG, Eli, and Jessie deal backstage.  Lockdown's card is run down and we see Tyrus and BIG MONEY MATT come down. EC3 comes down while the fans sing the "WWOOOOAAAAH" part of his theme. Tyrus runs wild for a bit before an ad break. After a break, Matt hits the flying elbow - but SPUD COMES DOWN. It buys EC3 time and he gets a lariat. Spud wants a tag, but EC3 keeps attacking Matt. A "we want Spud" chant breaks out before Matt hits a sloppy sleeper drop for 2. EC3 eats some chops, but fires back with a few of his own. EC3 tosses Matt off the Twist and lands a dropkick. Spud tags in and runs wild on both guys. The bowtie comes off, but Matt attacks from behind. Tyrus tags in and heart punches Spud. Tyrus misses an avalanche and the Underdog hits rather poorly. Matt gets tagged in, followed by EC3, who Pope calls well-rested after several minutes of a two on one match. Stinger splash and a flapjack hit.

EC3 low-bridges Tyrus, who s-l-o-w-l-y goes over. EC3 does something he should never do again - a crossbody off the top where he flies vertically and not horizontally so no one caught him. Spud ballshots Tyrus, but eats a Twist. One Percenter to Matt gets the win - so EC3 once again proved he can beat Matt clean, just like he did in their LMS match. This was pretty effective - not a great match, but effective at building up the main event. And then we get a Lockdown hype video with...clips of next week's show. How very odd.

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