Tuesday, May 31, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-31-16

Dixie talks to an unseen man in a suit about giving him complete control tonight despite the objections of Billy Corgan. This is what TNA has come to. The guy has to be EC3 since no one else in the company wears a suit. Recap of the Matt-Jeff feud, and then the EC3-Bennett feud. Bennett comes out in jeans and his shiny gold jacket while Josh talks about THE PERSON IN CONTROL. Bennett says he gave Dixie her phone number, e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and AIM name and got no response from her - so he knows he isn't in charge. EC3 comes out while Josh says that DIXIE JUST TWEETED THAT EC3 IS RUNNING THE SHOW. EC3 speeds through his promo at a rapid fire pace and says he'll face Bennett tonight and he'll even give Bennett the night off tonight.

 Bennett says that ratings go through the roof and TNA ad rates go sky high with him.
MIKE BENNETT talking about causing ratings to skyrocket and TNA's ad rates to soar. Hilarious. EC3 tells him that he gave him the night off of wrestling - but not off work. He's making him the janitor tonight and have him clean up after Taco Tuesdays. EC3 says that Maria will have a job evaluation tonight. Bennett kicks the bucket and then Lashley comes down. His tron looks outstanding - such a shame TNA's lighting is shot to hell right now because it would look great with proper lighting. EC3 announces pick your poison for Lashley and Drew tonight. What, no beat the clock challenge?

EC3 and Mike go to the bathroom and EC3 talks about how bad the toilets are. Mike is cleaning toilets in his shiny gold shoes and jacket. Drew picks Bram to fight Lashley, would is fighting because Drew picked up the tab. "Lashley vs. Bram could headline any pay-per-view!" Pope is full of shit even for a wrestler.

Fun match though - lots of physical strikes, tons of punches, and Lashley should not be taking wild out of control bumps over the top to the floor here. Lashley gets DQed for using a chair - well hell, why not? The match is just a setup anyway - so he's not going to do more than he has to. Spear to Bram. Another one. Bram has almost as many nicknames as he has years left on his TNA contract. Drew runs down with a chair of his own and chases him out.


Eli cashes in his case, but only gets 2. Eli hits him with knees and shoulders to the gut, hits a high knee and a shortarm lariat to win the title. "THIS IS WHY YOU PUT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE IN FEAST OR FIRED!" BroMans are poolside talking about "trusting the process". Raquel comes up looking hot and we get porno music and horrible filters over her walking around in a tiny bikini - covering up all the skin she's showing. So why do it then? Bennett cleans the bathroom in record time. Earl comes out of the bathroom...and wasn't he in the last match too? EC3 puts Earl in charge of Mike's next job - referee. Overhead shots of the Hardy Estate.

Eli recap and he celebrates with some champagne and knocks some out of the hands of the staff. We go to Stately Hardy Manor - which really needs some landscaping work. Corgan's stupid Impact theme plays us in to Bennett being a ref, then Spud comes out to what sounds like a Corgan song too for a tag match with Tyrus. EC3 says that the winners of this will go on to the PPV for a tag title shot, and they'll face the BroMans. Raquel distracts Tyrus, while Jessie presses Spud onto him, then they hit the Hart Attack and the Adonis Crab ends it. Maria bitches to Billy Corgan about EC3 being a bully. Maria is in a new cleavage-revealing dress. Maria wants Gail suspended. NONE OF THIS ACCOMPLISHES ANYTHING.


Maria and her goons come to the ring. EC3 tells Girl A and Girl B to depart. EC3 cuts a funny promo about them singing the goodbye song, and then the fans chant it again for the girls. Josh talks about things being a bit like Bone Thugs now because Gail's at a crossroads. EC3 puts Maria's future in Gail's hands - and she wants a match with her at Slammiversary. EC3 makes it and reminds Maria that her job is being evaluated and he runs the show tonight. Maria says she'll cement her place in the hall of fame by kicking Gail's ass. EC3 buries Maria's entourage, and makes the goons against Gail and Jade.

Allie whines and EC3 makes Maria sit next to him to prevent interference. Allie is so perfect working as a manager in the ring for the first time ever. Sienna comes in and dominates. Pope talks about Gail countering Allie's finisher - the slap. Jade comes in and Germans Sienna for 2. Wheelbarrow splash for the faces, but Sienna knocks Gail's face into the mat when Jade's using her as a pendulum. Allie gets tagged in and chokes away. Allie gets 2, and boy is her short skirt nice. Gail hits a backstabber to Sienna and Jade comes in for a strike combo for 2. Pope relates a missile dropkick to arts and crafts, because of course he does. Allie tags in and begs for reason - but then eats a beating. Sienna takes Eat Defeat and the package piledriver beats Allie.

Jeff arrives at the Hardy Estate and sees Reby. She says she's done with the lot of them. Jeff comes in and Matt plays piano for Brother Nero. Matt tells him they must go to where there genesis began and...we go back to the ring with more EC3/Bennett stuff. Jesus. Mike bitches and EC3 says okay, you'll wrestle - and he may not be sober. Storm's out to his "Longnecks and Rednecks" theme. Storm stalks Maria on the boozer cruiser. They have a nothing match and Storm is back to working in a shirt. Josh talks about Bennett just talking hype like Conor fighting Floyd in a boxing fight. Bennett wins thanks to a beer bottle shot. EC3 lets this stand for some reason. EC3 cuts a promo on Bennett so Storm can superkick Bennett. Wow what a drop for Storm - poor guy.

Hype video for The Tribunal - the French Stallion and Marcus Louis. Al Snow promo gets a "boring" chant and he says he agrees - wrestling is boring now. Al says his school is in England because he can't find quality athletes in America anymore. The Tribunal come out for Al Snow, and they're now Basil Baraka and Baron Dax. Love Pope calling them French stallions. BARON DAX cuts a promo first and not the French Stallion. BOO! Baraka says that they're the judge, jury, and executioner - well that explains the Judge in Dax's Twitter handle. Al, in glasses and with earrings, says they don't need gimmicks - ALL HE NEEDED WAS ONE WRESTLING MOVE to beat Grado.

Grado comes out and says he's a liar. I understood that at least. Grado says that he uses weapons, but he's honest. He asks Shera if that's the case and he says he doesn't understand, but 100% yes sir. Grado shows the whole clip and not just the Snow Plow. Snow says YOU'RE A LIAR - ANY KID CAN USE THOSE FANCY APPS TO EDIT THE FOOTAGE. I love this. Then we get an even better bit, where Al talks about their parents and Grado says he loves his mama, and Shera says YEAH I LOVE MY PARENTS and Al says their mother loves him. Ad for the NKOTM show. "This is our fourth New Kids on the Block cruise." should be a moment of life-altering soul-searching. 

We get a sitdown interview with Pepper Parks - now known as Braxton Sutter. He says that he always had doors shut in his face, but now, his journey was worth it. Also, TNA can save on trans because his wife is in the company as Allie and they can avoid spending money needlessly. They rundown Slammiversary and try to attach Asuka's empress name to Gail. Back to Hardy Manor where we go to Matt's giant red barn, where Matt has their first ring setup. Good god - just do all this in one long segment.

Drew comes out to face Bobby's hand-picked opponent. Lashley brings out Decay, because that's who the badass MMA fighter would logically be attached to. This is such a nothing match. It's Drew against all of Decay, and who could care? Rosemary brings out Janice and Lashley runs in and accidentally spears Abyss. Sick kick and the future shock beat Steve. We get a recap of tonight's Hardy drama - because we need more filler. Matt rolls to the floor and they go to a nearby table. Reby teases tossing Maxel at Jeff, so Matt cheapshots him and lands a Side Effect off the apron onto the legit hard table that just has the top piece snap off. Mother of fuck that Side Effect to the table had to hurt like hell. And we get a wacky slow-mo effect and the show ends...this should've been the go-home show for the PPV.

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Monday, May 30, 2016

Raw 5-30-16 - Memorial Day Show

 To WWE's credit, they start the show off with a ten bell salute to the fallen soldiers who sacrificed their lives. We get clips of a Reagan speech, with Reigns, Miz, and Steph reciting it. Holy shit do they not have the skill of the Gipper. Shane is actually almost dressing like an adult tonight - good for him. Steph comes out in tiny shorts, while Cole talks about how big a week it's been. If you just watched Raw, you would have no idea why. Shane tells her to be quiet and then Steph calls him Miz and he goes for a Foley cheap pop.

Shane says it's TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP and the NEW ERA IS CHANGING THINGS. On July 19, SD will be live on USA. Somehow, THE SHOW BEING LIVE WILL MAKE THE MATCHES AND ROSTER BETTER. So SOMEHOW, the show being live will result in it being good. That is literally the only thing they said there. Ugh. New Day comes out  and they talk about THE NEW ERA and the brand extension. They joke and call Kofi old for being around 8 years. New Day wants to know where they'll be going - and they should be using this to announce the draft date.

They ask when the draft will be and we're told nothing is known yet. WWE's biggest change is in-canon being come up with on the fly out of nowhere. New Day challenges them to a dance off. "So then the future leaders of WWE twerked to the New Day's theme". Even more surreal - the Vaudevillains showing up to interrupt Raw's opening segment IMPROVED IT TREMENDOUSLY. So no Steph twerking though - so that sucked. They got a great shot of the crowd before the break as THE ENTIRE FRONT ROW looked down to check their phones.
JBL talks about gloryholes. New Day eats offense, but gains a bit of an edge before a break. Gallows attack Woods. Great. Now, the Bullet Club is aligned with THE VAUDEVILLAINS. The Club talks about how they're showing they can run wild without AJ, and THEY HAVE ARRIVED. Crews works out and Show comes up. Crews says YOU INTIMIDATED BY THE NEW ERA!? Ugh. Show says the eras don't matter to him anyway. Show tells him he likes him - not "eat all the food on my bus" likes him, but "let's watch a marathon of Ride Along". Show and Crews could be a fun little mid-card tag team. Goldust comes out to intro the Golden Truth. Goldust has great rhythm.

Wacky Kane video for the Warcraft movie. Goldust and Truth are out for...commentary? Usos are out to face I guess Tyler Breeze and Fandango. Their theme is great though. Commentators put the faces over by talking about how they're nothing but losers. Usos win and Golden Truth brags while Truth calls Byron Coach and JBL says no, Coach has talent. Cole says THE WORLD IS STILL BUZZING AFTER EXTREME RULES. I literally forgot all about that show thanks to the brand extension stuff.

YES. THE MEGASTAR ROMAN REIGNS! With Big Dave on the outs, just think of how great he could be playing 2010 heel Batista. He's not a good guy, or a bad guy - HE'S THE GUY got so much older, so much faster than I'M NOT A MAN, I'M A MACHINE for Cage. Seth comes out to cheers and grabs a mic to not talk into it and fakeout Roman. Riveting. If Roman wants to kick his ass, GO OUT THERE AND CHASE THE LITTLE FUCKER DOWN.

Lana's giant rack is out. Rusev-Zack is up. LOL at Zack's NEW ERA gear. Rusev kills NEW ERA. Rusev talks shit and then Titus comes out and defends America. Riveting. Green screen video for the Shining Stars. Recap of the Flair drama is next. Fine video package here that really showcased history. There we go - Charlotte's giant rack in an "earlier today" video. And then OF FUCKING COURSE, STEPH INSULTS HER AND BELITTLES HER and Charlotte just takes it.

Collections are hyped up on the Network and they talk about Cena's new one. ENZO ON SPORTSCENTER. Dude is gonna be a fucking megastar. Enzo sounds like a badass calling the Dudleys cheese doodles. They're in against the Dudleys. After several centuries of nothing, the rocket launcher ends it. Sami, Cesaro, and Dean have a wacky babyface meeting where Dean warns everyone of the dangerous Canadians Owens and Jericho and Sami points out that he too is Canadian. Seth doc hype video. Could WWE please stop putting new Network content up right after Raw? After 3 hours of WWE, the last thing I want is more WWE.


Cena hype video leads to him returning in those awful Ellen shorts. He cuts a promo on anyone who hates America that America will always support those who love LIBERTY. Cena talks about how fans feel his days are numbered and the new era will take over his era. Holy shit - we're getting Cena/AJ! A huge AJ Styles/Let's Go Cena chant breaks out. JBL hypes AJ up as THE WUNDERKIND OF JAPAN AND THE INDIES. He's Cena's age.

AJ says he's always heard Cena was the first to get to the building and the last to leave - and says that now, they're here together. They shake hands and The Club comes out. Karl says they're not here to kiss ass, they're here to kick it - AJ's included. But AJ turns on Cena! The Club is reunited after a week...and gets a lot of heat. So John gets to beat Gallows and Karl before maybe losing to AJ at the PPV. Loved AJ leaving and just constantly running back to kick his ass.


Charlotte and Dana beat up Nattie. Becky's theme hits and she's seen about enough now so she makes a save. Horrible beating...HERE'S SMILIN' JOJO! Dolph says he has 1,005 moves and brings up the ARM-BAR. Dolph cribbing a mid-card comedy bit from Jericho 18 years ago DOES NOT MAKE IT AS GOOD AS IT. Dolph comes out in a Kent State Wrestling hoodie and wrestling headgear...while also doing the wacky '80s bullshit color scheme tron. So weird. Dolph goes all serious and then just ball shots him. Miz and Maryse video on MARINE 5 BATTLEGROUND! Miz holding the IC Title hostage is great - they could get a modern-day HTM thing going with him if they want. Even better, they can have him pin extras and "defend" it on-set. Jericho, Owens, and ADR bicker. ADR has a giant tat on his left ribcage. ADR looks so much more jacked next to Jericho and Owens - it's a great way to make him stand out.

Time for the match. Basic Raw 6-man tag...only it's the main event. Dirty Deeds on Owens ends it. Nothing show outside of the Cena stuff, really.

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Wednesday, May 25, 2016

WWE NXT 5-25-16

Regal welcomes us to the show and says that Bayley can't wrestle - so Carmella, Alexa, and Nia will go at it to determine Asuka's opponent for Takeover. Ciampa and Gargano are out to face the former TMK - TM61. They reference being the mighty and the mighty don't kneel. TMDK really needs different-looking gear - they're generic brunettes now. Miller at least has a tan, while Shane has tats.Torne lands a slick basement dropkick for 2. Atomic drop into an uppercut gets 2 for Thorne. Stereo moonsault/fistdrop sends Johnny to the floor. Thorne fakes out a dive, and has more physical charisma. Ciampa elbows Thorne and then Garagno gets an outside-in spear! Wacky necklock by Gargano looks great. Ciampa's back in and eats some forearms by Thorne. Kryptonite Krunch/Neckbreaker combo gets 2 for TM61. Thorne eats a big open hand slap that believably sends Thorne to the corner, and the superkick/knee ends it - great showing for TM61.


Joe-Balor music video makes Joe out to be an absolute killer. Bayley says she isn't 100% and she can't compete against Asuka just yet. Nia says she broke her and says she'll never come back the same. Carmella defends Bayley and then Nia talks trash about Carmella and Alexa. BABYMETAL's "Karate" is used as a theme for Takeover! We get an epic hype video for La Sombra. They show his mask in close-up, and then we get old tyme-looking clips of him doing training stuff in the mask to show his past and then him unmasking as Andrade "Cien" Almas for the future. Great stuff.


Aries comes down and says that he's great - but he debuted when other greats did. A Nakamura chant breaks out and he says that he wants the winner of Joe-Balor because he will be NXT Champion. The lights go out and NAKAMURA'S THEME HITS! The commentators tie everything into the Aries/Nakamura tag showing that Aries knows Nak is great - thus turning an otherwise nothing match into something important - I love it.

Nakamura grabs a mic and speaks Japanese before saying "you don't understand Japanese, right?" then speaking English, leading to Aries saying "I don't understand you!" and Nak saying "yeah, me too! ANYWAYS!" Nak says the title isn't coming to greatness - it's coming to KING - OF STRONG STYLE and then he just points. Regal's theme hits and Nakamura dances to it briefly. Regal says he wants them to face off - and they will have a match on June 8!  They shake on it and Nakamura is also the king of shaking hands. Every single thing he does is great, and now the fans sing his theme too!

American Alpha are backstage and put over the Revival as being the toughest team they've ever faced. No Way Jose is out and super-over in Full Sail. He's doomed to being Fandango 2K16, but hey, it's fun and he gets to make a living. Tom says Jose's just vibin - and Corey tells him that he doesn't sound comfortable saying that, so he'd appreciate if he never did it again. The ole song has now been changed to "no way...Jose". Glorious.

Jose bumps and grinds his way out of a go-behind and gets a sloppy hiptoss before landing a jumping snapmare. AIRPLANE SPIN and then he stops and DOES IT IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. What's old is new again. Jose lands some great wacky Road Dogg punches, hits the batter up axehandle before an inverted atomic drop, the batter up punch, and the wacky full nelson slam. Just make that punch his finisher. Jose dances with Tom and Corey, who are gloriously wacky.


Balor hype video says the NXT Title loss wasn't the end of Finn Balor - it was the beginning. Finn says it will be the end of Joe, and in the one thing I don't like here - they had Joe and Balor be in the same cage at the same time for a promo shot. Asuka says she doesn't care who wins, she will defeat them. Next week, Aries faces the Drifter. No thanks. Carmella's out, followed by Alexa THANKFULLY KEEPING HER GEAR. This is a sketchy match in theory based on experience - but it should be fun. I like Alexa just leaving to start - smart heel move.


Carmella and Nia go at it and Jax charges her into the corner. Sunset flip attempt is met by a stomp attempt that fails, so Carmella goes for a headlock. That fails, as does a top wristlock. Alexa goes for a dive, but Nia spots her - so she hops back down to the floor. Awesome. Carmella gets a pop-up rana into the buckle before Alexa jumps Carmella for 2. Surfboard curb stomps get 2 for Bliss. Schoolgirl gets 2 for Carmella. Knee to the gut sets up a Vaderbomb for 2 for Bliss. Alexa gets the goozle and crazy-eyed STO before the moonsault kneedrop gets 2.

Nia drops an elbow, but Alexa moves. Shotgun knees to Nia take her out. SPARKLE SPLASH ON NIA GETS 2 thanks to Carmella. Nia misses a charge, so they go for a double suplex - and she lands one on them! Nia charges and misses - STOP DOING THAT. Since she's on the floor, the others go at it in the ring. Carmella goes for a dive, but is caught by Nia - Nia drops her after an Alexa kick. Carmella hits her dive on Jax to send her down. Carmella does that goofy billion hour-long shuffle and hits the bronco buster, and then the inverted triangle is on, but Nia breaks it up.  Carmella locks on a sleeper, but Nia sends her into the corner. A flying bombs away gets 2. Bronco buster is countered into a spinebuster and a legdrop ends it for Nia. Very good match given the folks involved - everyone got several chances to shine here. Nia and Asuka stare each other down to close the show.

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