Tuesday, August 30, 2016

WWE SD 8-30-16

The show starts with a recap of Talking Smack and Bryan and Shane chat backstage. Mid-ring, Miz tells the fans to not dare to boo him because it took 148 days to get their attention and the title was tarnished by failures. Dolph comes out and insults Miz for a bit to resume his neverending run in the IC Title mix. Bro Mans squash the Vaudevillains and advance in the SD Tag Title tourney. AJ says hi to "guy whose name isn't important enough to remember" leading to Crews spelling his name for him. Crews and AJ have an excellent little match - fast-paced and Crews is coming off like more of a star. AJ snaps his neck and wins with the forearm. Heath, Renee, and Rhino have a skit in Heath's house over Heath's losing efforts, but ROSCOE steals his car and Rhino is just chilling eating his food.

Bray comes out to ramble a bit about Randy Orton before he comes out in casual wear to respond. Randy says that he is damaged - but he always has been, and that's part of his charm. Bray says that he is the predator now and what do predators do? THEY KILL. Randy says that many have said they are, but he is still here even after Cactus Jack dropped him on tacks, or facing Taker in the Cell. Bray needs to be worried about the demons inside that Bray sees when he stares into his eyes and he will see it closer at Backlash. Randy runs in for a brawl, but Bray's song hits and he vanishes.  Naomi and Becky face Alexa and Nattie next.

Nikki does commentary calling herself the living Wonder Woman. Jesus. We get a recap of a Talking Smack brawl with Carmella jumping her. Alexa's booty game is on point, as is Naomi's glow game. Nikki says if she does her, she'll win the title. Okay, I guess her vibrator game will be on point on Sunday. They do a minute of nothing and go to a break.

Nikki is almost as bad as Otunga on commentary. Bliss chokes Naomi on the rope. Mauro talks about Alexa belts out a country tune - now that's a nice little character touch. "Nikki, you have to be inspired by the level of talent on the roster" THEY HAVE SIX WOMEN ON THE FUCKING ROSTER. Becky comes in and runs wild, but gets 2 off a sloppy missile dropkick before Carmella sloppily jumps Nikki and then Alexa gets a sloppy schoolgirl and wins. A Headbangers hype video is a thing...and aired! They face Rhino and Heath next.
The Headbangers come out and get no pop because it's not '97 and they were such a time and place team. Thrasher gets a flying lariat off the top and almost comes up short. Heath's red, white, and blue gear rules! The Stage Dive kinda hits for 2, so Rhino brings Heath into their corner and hits a gore to win. Nice RNR tactic there. Good for the Headbangers - the WWE.com piece on them a few years ago made it seem like they moved on from wrestling very well, but they got to dip their toe in the water again and their kids got to see them on a big stage. Headbangers would've done it for free, while Goldberg will get seven figures to accomplish the same goal. JBL talks about "the Hype Brothers". Their gimmick is that they say "bro" and JBL somehow fucks that up.
So on Raw, they were hyping up the SD PPV and on SD, they're hyping up the Raw PPV. AJ is out to do commentary for something, but Gary "the Milkman" Milliman is out. Maybe he's Jake Milliman's son. He wants a match and faces KANE! From Knoxville, Tennessee and chokeslams him. No match. Baron comes out and crosses paths with him.
Baron and Dean brawl a bit. Rabbit lariat leads to Baron landing some mounted elbows. Baron gets a long, boring chinlock before Dean fires back with punches. Corbin gets posted and cradled for 2. Dean low-bridges him and hits the dive. Deep Six gets 2 before AJ tells Baron to stay on him. They jawjack a bit and Dean jumps Baron. Dean gets 2, as does Baron off a distraction lariat. AJ hits Baron resulting in a DQ. Dean hits Dirty Deeds on Baron and crotches AJ before throttling him, grabbing his hand, shaking his hand. Well, that was amusing - these two have great comedic chemistry.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

WWE SD 8-23-16

AJ brags to the locker in slick red gear and talks smack to Dolph so they brawl. Shane and Bryan are mid-ring with the roster and new SD tags - with blue straps and silver faceplates shaped like the penny belts, and a new women's title with a blue backing and white leather. Bryan hypes up the Team Blue Women's Division. Please God let that be the name of the title. Nope. It's the SmackDown Women's Champion. Truly a historic title, and Shane makes a six-pack challenge for Backlash.


 So the division just has six people. The SmackDown Tag Team Title is also an amazing name - and these belts actually do look better than the Raw ones. A tag title tourney is happening and will end at Backlash. Heath comes down and Bryan tells him he can't compete for the women's title. Heath wants the tag titles and Shane says he isn't sure if he is equipped for that either. Bryan says if Heath can find a partner, they'll turn it into an eight team tournament and Shane says he can only join the roster if he wins the tournament.

AJ comes out and says he won't be Heath's partner, and Dolph brawls with him. Alexa vs. Becky is up with Naomi and Nattie on commentary. Basic match won by Becky with the Disarmer. Heath meets with Miz, who wants to be in the next Indiana Jones movie. Domino's ad with Miz bitching about ice cubes not being shaped in his likeness. Ascension is mid-ring to face the Usos, and get beaten quickly.
AJ comes down in his slick red and black gear to talk about BEATIN UP JOHN CENA! "YA HEAR THAT WORLD!? I SHOULD BE THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE WWE WORLD TITLE!" AJ is so great. Bryan makes AJ vs. Dolph and if Dolph wins, it will be a triple threat. Nikki's first TV match in her return is next. Curt Hawkins Facts are amusing me. Curt Hawkins not wrestling and just being in amusing graphics is easily the highlight of his WWE career.
Carmella is mid-ring to lose to Nikki. Nikki comes in for a Renee interview and Carmella jumps Nikki. Good move - now Carmella is a heel like she should be, while Nikki isn't the courageous babyface coming back from injury...and wrestling on the heel team. Carmella hits the Bella Buster and JBL puts over that she won't be ignored. Hey, she went from being a seeming jobber in a nothing match to coming off as a bit of a killer.

Orton vs. Brock hype video leads to Orton coming out in Tapout gear and wearing pants on TV for the first time this decade. He shows off the staples in his head AND THEN BRAY'S THEME HITS. Bray's theme is WWE's version of a Family Guy cutaway. Bray's new black hoodie stuff works for him. Bray says spooky words and leaves. Okay then. Generic Brunette Woman on SD is no Generic Brunette Woman on NXT, but she is good-looking. Shane mocks Steph for fining Brock $500 and it seems like we'll get Brock vs. Shane at some point. AA faces Breezango next.

HEATH SLATER MEETS WITH ARN ANDERSON, who is insulted that he wasn't Heath's first choice to help. Ha! Rhyno offers to team with him so they can make payments on an above-ground pool. Okay then. AA's Ready, Willing, and Gable towel finally gets its own inset promo and we get a basic match between the teams. AA wins with the Grand Amplitude in a really nothing match. I did like Gable's new over the top victory roll deal though .

Otunga busts out random Mandarin to plug the Shanghai show.  Dean does an interview with Generic Brunette Woman about being champ...and has a wacky foam hat. Dean's out to commentate for the main event and Dolph's graphic informs us that he is a strong supporter of the WrestleMania Reading Challenge...WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH HIM BEING A TITLE SITUATION!? WWE chooses two bits of info to contain in those graphics and this is something they choose!?

Pretty fast action here, including Dolph eating a nasty Bret bump in the corner. Dean buries the Club stealing 2 Sweet and says AJ is "Showing the crowd the little cocky shit he's doing right now..." BAD DEAN BAD! Famouser by Dolph gets 2. Dolph sidesteps AJ and hits a Zig Zag for 2.5! Outstanding match - way better than Dolph vs. Dean in terms of drama. Clash hits and Otunga says "NOT LIKE THIS" for some reason even though he won clean.

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Sunday, August 21, 2016

WWE Summerslam 2016

I love Booker T wearing a shirt that matches his Kickstart can. Sheamus vs. Cesaro has apparently been added to the pre-show - giving us three pre-show matches. Booker talks about how his best of seven years put him in the hunt years ago - so that's as close to a Benoit talk as we'll get ever. Jeri-KO mocks Tom/Steve and they apologize to him for calling him the wrong name and they won't let that happen to Phillip again. Jericho apologizes to Enzo for saying he can't be a certified G because he did that himself for the low low price of $89.99 and he has a certificate to prove it - but KO left it at catering. Jericho says you can teach that, but you can't teach chemistry. KO says that you totally can and he got a 96 in high school, while Jericho says that he got a 30. THESE TWO MUST TEAM FOREVER.

The first match is up with the SD team out for the 12-team match. There's a new PPV set here with LEDs all over the rampway and giant screens everywhere. BreeZango works wonderfully with this setup. Nothing happens before the break, where they plug 19 PPVs each year. New Backlash logo is good. LONG VIKTOR CHINLOCK after the break showcases his poor hairline.

YES JJ IS IN SUPLEXING FUCKERS AROUND. He catches Fandango off the top and holds him for an overhead belly to belly. Crazy. Superkick party to the Ascension leads to an Uso double dive. Grand Amplitude into a superfly dive wins for the faces. They teased a heel turn for the Usos by having them blind tag in and steal the pin.

The panel talks about the upcoming SD tag titles and Booker cares about the color scheme and weight. Ambrose-Dolph hype video shows Dean's rise from FCW to now. Him working out in a belly shirt is odd. Baron brags about taking Kalisto out and hoping that his wife can take care of him forever. Women's title hype leads to Sasha taking Twitter questions in red and white Big Red gum-colored gear. Raw team is up, with Byron in an amazing suit.
Dudleys tag is up, with Cole reminding us they've been back for almost a year - starting back the day after Summerslam. Boy has that been a waste of time for them at a stage when they cannot stand to lose time. Neville gets a mild reaction, Sami's is better. Basic tag match stuff to start until the break. After it, Bubba pulls Neville's tights too far to the side during a neckbreaker setup. Bubba accidentally lariats Devon, eats the yakuza kick, then a red arrow and it's over.

Balor hype video airs. Sheamus vs. Cesaro is up. LEDs are also on the post - didn't notice them until the flames for Sheamus on them. Neat look. "IT'S CESARO VS. CESARO" according to Cole. They go about their usual stuff. Stiff shots. Dropkicks. Nice Okada dropkick leads to a powerplex by Cesaro. Super white noise gets 2 for Sheamus. Big boot and a lariat get 2 for Cesaro. Cesaro goes from the post to the top rope for a crossbody for 2! Cesaro swings into a sharpshooter, but Sheamus gets the rope. Shemaus posts him, kicks him and wins. Orton-Brock hype video ends the pre-show. Some weird Hypnotoad invasion sound effect hits and it's time for the PPV. NYC hype video starts things off. LOL @ Punk eating an RKO being used in it.

 Enzo and Cass vs. JeriKO starts things off. Yankees overalls getup for Enzo! Enzo dedicates the match to everyone trying to feed their families. Enzo hypes up Sinatra and his love for NYC before Cass sings very badly. Enzo quotes Biggie Smalls with mo money, more problems and JeriKO has BIG PROBLEMS CUZ THEY BIG CHECKS! Heels jump Enzo to start. Cass comes in and punches KO in the corner. KO mocks Enzo for being LIGHTSABER WHATEVER! Jericho gets a chinlock and an "ask him!" KO frog splash gets 2, but the cannonball misses! Cass tags in and hits the elbow. Flying DDT from Enzo is now the DDG and gets 2. Owens tosses Enzo into a codebreaker that ends it.

Backstage, Bryan and Shane meet Mick, who is wearing a wacky silver shirt. Jon Stewart and his kid are here. Jon goes off on Steph, so she should show up any second now. And yup, wow is she tall next to him. Steph's back to being a heel here. And for some reason, here's New Day playing a trumpet. Sasha vs. Charlotte is up next.
Cole hypes up that Charlotte has the best record in WWE history for their first 15 PPVs. Um...Hogan? Sasha's Tanahasih-esque ring jacket is outstanding. Back and forth tieups lead to a running rana by Banks. Charlotte chokes her up top before doing something like a backbreaker to the top rope, but then Sasha lands RIGHT ON HER HEAD.
Charlotte works over the back. Charlotte powerslams her into the buckle. Charlotte goes for a super splash mountain, but Sasha does the old Kid Kash rana out of it! Sasha slaps away before doing a weird Boston Crab on the ropes. Double knees to the back. Bank statement is on, but Charlotte gets the ropes. Chop block to the front of the knee leads to Natural Selection for 2 and some smack talking. Bank statement off a tilt a whirl, leads to a cradle and Charlotte wins with a cradle!? Weird. Doctor Ball comedy with the Club saying Summerslam is nuts. I like Karl and Doc having matching beards. Recap of MizTV, which I have no memory of.
IC Title history at Summerslam only reminds me of how much this title has fallen. JBL talks about Crews's coach calling him Uhaa Nation because he was a strong as a nation. Nice enzuiguri gets 2. Sloppy cradle gets 2 for Apollo. Stinger splash misses and the Finale hits for the win. Well, that was a match.
Cena vs. AJ is up next - amazing to see Cena so early in the card. Nice pop for AJ and a big JOHN CENA SUCKS chant breaks out. Yellow Cena on the tron is weird. AJ is hyped as a former IWGP and NWA Champion - so they are at least bringing up that part of his history without mentioning "TNA". AJ gets a dropkick, but eats a punch. Cena is now a punch/kick wrestler...and his PUNCHES AND KICKS SUCK! AA on the apron is teased, but a suplex from AJ onto it is delivered instead. GORGEOUS bump off by AJ off a backdrop by Cena and it gets 2.

Cena hits a wonky dropkick for 2. Snap suplex by Cena. AJ steamrolls him with a KENTA combo. Protobomb leads to the fistdrop, but the AA is countered and the Clash gets 2. AA hits for 2.5, but a super AA leads to a towerhacker bomb for 2. Cena catapults him into the buckle and gets kind of a big ending for 2. AA ON THE KNEE BY AJ GETS 2! Mauro says AJ learned it Japan from Hirooki Goto. Springboard 450 misses and a Code Red gets 2. AJ hits a German into a facebuster for 2. Springboard forearm turned into the STF that AJ turns into a crossface. AJ turns an AA into the calf killer that Cena turns into another STF. AJ gets an enzuigiri for 2. Cena gets 2 off a tornado DDT. Super famouser gets 2!
 AJ avoids a super AA and gets a triangle springboard super rana instead! Phenomenal Forearms gets 2! Cena hoists him for an AA, but gets elbowed to the head and kicked to the leg. Cena lands a lariat. AVALANCHE AA HITS FOR 2.9! Cena is just gobsmacked - it's like Warrior at WM VII. Cena goes for an AA, but AJ turns it into a Clash that...Cena sells for a second before standing up for the P1 forearm for the win. Great finish - but Cena should've sold longer for that. AJ fighting to win from behind at the end is a great moment for a character babyface turn down the line. This would've been a fine retirement match for Cena at a WrestleMania honestly, just amazing. It feels like this was Cena's swansong and him leaving his armband mid-ring adds to that.

Cricket wireless thing with fans. Jon Stewart comes down and says that was a classic, and he's glad some idiot didn't ruin it hitting one of them with a chair. He yammers on for eons before joining the New Day and wearing a dildo hat. He brings out the New Day and does their intro with the fans. Club comes out in their stupid doctor getup that destroys their credibility - while the jars of ruin piss all over it.

Not really much to the match - although it is the best Woods has looked yet in the ring. Gorgeous springboard ropewalk elbow by Woods gets 2. Magic Killer hits, but Jon comes in and tries to too sweet him. Anderson hits a spinebuster while Cole says that was made famous by another Anderson. Club teases ringpostitis on him, but Big E returns for a DQ. E grabs the lemonade in the jars and spits out out. Okay then.


Dolph vs. Dean hype video leads to the SD authority figures coming out. Dolph debuts new slick-looking silver, black, and white gear that works for him. JBL - "The difference between these guys and McGregor is that they aren't fun sized!" Oh fuck off, Vince. Cruiserweight division is doomed with that mindset. Stinger splash on the buckle leads to Dean going out to avoid a neckbreaker, then eating a Stinger splash on the barricade and a neckbreaker on the floor. Dean dives off and eats a dropkick. Dean sets up SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO BOOS and goes for Dirty Deeds, but it's countered.

Dolph hits the jumping DDT. Famouser gets 2. Double-down off a double lariat leads to a flying standing elbow from Dean for 2. Dean does some showoff stuff, but eats a sleeper. Zig Zag gets 2.5! Dolph grounds him and lands some elbows - I like it, it's new and ferocious. Nigel lariat hits and Dean takes his time to stand up and goes up, but gets crotched. He avoids a superplex and lands some headbutts before going to the mat and winning with the Dirty Deeds. Good match, but it never really got amazing.

WWE WEEK IN NYC IS AMAZING, SO AMAZING. NXT Takeover hype video - there we go. Steph of course talks about how amazing it is to do all the charity work. Women's six-person tag is up in the death slot. Carmella comes out in pants and not booty shorts. BOO! EVA MARIE GETS AN INTRO! Eva will be recovering from exhaustion for one month, and her replacement is Nikki Bella. She gets a huge face pop and is put over as a babyface for making a miraculous recovery. Sloppy matwork to start by Alexa and Becky. Becky's got a swimsuit on for her gear with pants over it. That's pretty slick.

Naomi gets a run-up sunset flip on Nattie for 2 and then rubs her asshole in Nattie's face. Serious women's division and all. Carmella does a wacky headscissors. Nikki is looking good here, relatively speaking. Nice abdominal stretch spot. Becky and Nattie go at it and the Bexploder gets 2. Naomi's super-fake glow time kicks hit Alexa and a split legged moonsault kinda hits. Carmella comes in and superkicks Nikki. Bronco buster misses completely but still gets 2. Misawa forearm hits and she she wins with the TKO - which is a lot safer for her than the Rack Attack.

Roman vs. Rusev is the semi-main event. Maria Longname interviews Rusev and Lana, in her formal wedding lingerie. Wow, so it's not. Finn vs. Seth is going on first, putting the US Title above the Universal Title...how very odd. Universal Title is a red and black WWE Title, while Seth has new black and neon yellow gear. The Demon King intro with the LED ramp is incredible.

Seth eats a shotgun kick, but avoids the stomp, but eats a flip dive. Seth gets a barricade bomb, flying knee, and high fly flow for 2. Rainmaker by Seth is countered with a knee for 2. 1916 gets 2 and Seth gets 2 off a God's Last Gift.Finn gets a shotgun kick on the floor, but eats a pedigree for 2. Another pedigree is countered and Finn hits a double stomp, two shotgun kicks and wins with the coup de grace. Great match and a fine celebration with Finn and his family.

Kickoff panel yammers about KFC and we get Colonel Ziggler vs. Miz from an SD taping. Thank God Dolph didn't win the title. Lana comes out and tells us to rise. Okay. For Rusev...well, he is great. Roman and Rusev brawl and brawl and brawl. Rusev is a complete dickhead and beats him with a chair before leaving and then spearing him.

Brock and Heyman come out before Orton debuts new black and gold gear. Brock tackles him in the corner and lands a pair of Germans. Knees in the corner lead to a third German! Brock takes him out and hits a running powerslam on the table. Brock hits an ugly biel out of the timekeeper's area through the table, and Orton goes through ass-first. Ouch, that was rough. More Germans - they're telling the same basic Brock-Cena story, but seem to be building up an Orton win outta nowhere. They go on an announce table, but Orton hits an RKO outta nowhere and smirks.

Draping DDT! RKO gets 2.5! Punt countered into the F5 - putting the slam in Summeslam according to Mauro, for 2.5. Brock takes the gloves off and lands some punches to the face. Elbows slice up Orton horribly. Now it's a mix of both the Extreme Rules 2012 match ant the Summerslam match. Brock's leg is now covered in Orton's blood. Crowd chants for Goldberg while Brock tosses docs aside and keeps attacking. "Who's gonna stop him!?" Doc calls the match and Brock wins by TKO - much like he did in his first matches in WWE.

Shane comes in, but Brock blocks his path to Orton. F5 TO SHANE! Heyman says no more. Brock leaves happy with his destruction. There was no Goldberg on here, but that was a hell of a scene. Kinda bullshit to have the final two matches go the way they did - although at least with the main event, they showed you that Brock did truly conquer Orton.

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