WWE SD 6-13-14

For the first time in eons, I'll actually be watching SD as it airs - there are zero early versions of it up! Plus, I've made some good progress in EA UFC today, so I might as well take a break from that for this and then play it during the filler. A very long video on the MITB situation aired - seemingly acting like Alberto's win happened on the most recent Raw like the other two ones. SD's new intro is rather terrible. The Shield came down and a video aired on the 6-man showing Reigns winning. Ambrose's facial expressions and body language are entering into Nakamura-levels of amusing wackiness. He's about a 30 on a scale of 100 so far. "Puppet Suit Seth" is a great nickname. Both Dean and Reigns want in the MITB match, but HHH said on the tron that there's only one slot available. A coin flip decided that Ambrose would get a chance to qualify against Bray tonight. HHH banned Roman, and the Wyatts from this match, and banned Ambrose from the ring for Reigns's match with BAD NEWS BARRETT! Barrett theme, cape, and pyro are fantastic - HHH doing his deal puts it over too. They did a couple of minutes worth of filler until an ad break. The traditional post-break chinlock brings the match back. Roman nailed the Superman punch before a giant SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR chant broke out. 3MB came out and jumped him since Ambrose is banned. Given that Drew and Jinder are now gone, I expect some destruction. Roman hindered Jinder by tossing him over the table, then he speared Drew and Heath on the floor. Roman whooped some ass here! Jey Uso faces Rowan next.

The hillbillies teleported to the ring. The Usos' shirt is fantastic, but they should really modify the colors of the shirt and paint since it would be easy to do and allow them to have the shirts always match the gear. Jimmy's win over Harper on Main Event was recapped. FLYING USO to start. Rowan wins like a minute later with the a stomach-held Rock Bottom won...wow that was fast. These MITB graphics for the individual guys are fantastic - very wallpaper-ish. A Bo hype video from his pre-debut run aired - that seems odd.

Bo came out, and he should really save the giant arms up bit for when his theme has the big sting in it. BO DANCING TO TRUTH'S THEME IS AMAZING. JBL referencing "Gettin Jiggy Wit It" is something. I guess he'll reference Soulja Boy in 10 years. Bo saying "GREEN BAY, WHAT'S GOING ON!?" for What's Up ruled. Bo's white and powder blue gear isn't as good as his white and red stuff. I love Bo justifying a punch since "he was attacking me!". Hat Rack Crack got 2. Cole referencing LAM-BO Field ruled. Running Bo-dog won. Bo adding some arm pumps to the celebration is perfect. Sheamus-Cesaro is next! Why didn't they mention this before!? It's the hour one main event for goodness sake.

Cesaro's black wrist tape is a nice touch, and I dig Heyman saying he's now Cesaro's translator. He just wanted the crowd to knowt hat he's represented by hte man who represented THE MAN WHO CONQUERED THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK and that Cesaro himself won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Heyman says that Cesaro's hands are taped because HE IS NOT HERE FOR A GRECO-ROMAN OR EVEN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT RULES MATCH, HE IS HERE FOR A FIGHT. HE WIN RISK FINES AND DQS, AND HE WILL USE HIS HANDS TO FORCE A TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT AGAINST SHEAMUS THE SHAMELESS WHO DARED TO WIN A FIGHT WITH A GRECO ROMAN SMALL PACKAGE! This was honest-to-God amazing and they just wasted it on SD. They started with brawling! Cesaro grinding his bare knee to Sheamus's face in the corner was fantastic! CACTUS CLOTHESLINE BY SHEAMUS! That is so much better than the crossbody block, and it was a perfect act break. I love everything about this so far!

They traded Irish whip attempts, which Sheamus fittingly won before going for the clubbering that Cesaro countered. Cesaro hit double stomps while Cole awkwardly said that UNLIKE THE MITB LADDER MATCH, this will end in traditional means, which had nothing to do with anything here. I liked Cesaro basically doing a rope-bound camel clutch by tying Sheamus's arms up in the rope before doing a double chinlock. Nice corner strikes to the body and face of Sheamus.Taz-ish crossfaces from Cesaro! They'd damn well better be in the next WWE game. Sheamus demanded more punching, which Cesaro was happy to do! This led to a great bit where Cesaro actually got the upper hand for a bit during Sheamus's comeback, but Sheamus clubbed him off the top and Cesaro's right knee was caught nastily in the ropes on the way down. Cesaro hung him up on the ropes, but he ate the axehandles and high knee from Sheamus. CLUBBERING TIME! Irish Curse hits for a 2.9. Very European Uppercut gets 2.9. Heyman freaked out! Sheamus is trying to fight back on his knees but just eats offense. Sheamus fights back with the Finlay roll. Heyman distracted Sheamus, leading to Cesaro countering the powerslam with a small package USING THE TIGHTS! Cole immediately chastises Heyman for it, and it ruled! I enjoyed that more than the PPV match, and it's easily the best match on SD all year, and will be a contender for best TV match of the year. HHH recap from earlier. Bray had a dream about a white picket fence, BUT HE WOKE UP AND HE KNOWS HE'S STUCK IN THE PRISON WE CALL A WORLD! Sister Abigail told him he can achieve anything he wants and more by changing the world. THEY WILL CHANT YOUR NAME AND FEAR YOUR HAND, AND BOW TO YOU, BOY! Above the ladder lies his absolution and his happy ending, and HIS POWER! Come on now Bray, you can only have power if you have the TNA World Title. This was Bray's best promo in a while.

The Fandango-Summer Rae saga is recapped. Summer calling Layla a catty little twat was muted. Thank God there was cat litter nearby so Layla would have something for when she was called a cat by Summer. Adam Rose came out and JBL wondered where Arachnaman and Mantaur were. Cole said JBL was a closet rosebud and that he had rabii-phobia, which JBL pointed out wasn't a thing. Rose counted a diving something or other with the Party Foul. Cole looked up what a rabbit phobia was on Wikipedia and read its definition. Summer unmasked as a chicken and attacked Layla. This is a fun divas feud. Summer Rae in black leather works!

Swagger's facing Big E because E failed to defend America. Big E hits the Ultimate Splash before Lana came out. They focused on her ass completely here. Zeb cut a promo on Lana, so is he a face or what? Swagger bomb was countered into the Big Ending - that should've been a PPV finisher, but it ruled anyway. Hopefully he turns that into a counter finisher more often because it gets his power over quickly. Seth recap is next. BUT FIRST, we get a recap of the Alicia-Aksana deal from Raw.

It's time for Alicia-Aksana to send Aksana out of the company. Aksana super-low cut gear is amazing. Can't wait to see her in TNA doing some more revealing stuff since she's got a great body. Aksana's snap suplex seemed to have some bad ADR done since it made a loud noise before being done. Aksana did a spinebuster that JBL dared to compare to Ron's. Then she...flopped onto Alicia's knees in something that was called a splash counter. JBL said that the Ultimate Warrior debuted in Green Bay in '87, which you can watch on the Network! Alicia hit like an inverted Rousey armbar fameasser thing to win.  It's convoluted, but new. Alicia made Aksana slap her hand in victory. She did a cartwheel and kicked her heels up!

Bray got a minimal intro while Dean got his full one. The fans sang "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands"  to start this. Eye rake on the ropes followed soon after. Cole said that if Bray was the champion, his influence would grow even more. OH NO! IT ALREADY ESCAPED THE STEEL CAGE! Slingshot dive from Ambrose was countered into a seamless uranage on the apron! Glorious! Arm wringer with a drop on the apron from Bray brought things back from the break. Tiger DDT hits, but he can't cover and actually collapsed trying to put weight on the left arm - great stuff. Dean ran shoulder-first into the post. Dean is playing such a great babyface in peril - for being the most devious member of the Shield, he's shockingly made the best babyface. Dean slowly fights out of a superplex with some headbutts. A diving elbow smash is countered into a uranage attempt that Dean avoids by going for and hitting the rebound lariat for 2. Nice back and forth shot exchange here. Dean counters Bray's opposite corner charge with an elbow and then a suicide dive! Back bumping missile dropkick from Dean gives him a small edge for 2. Odd to have him nick two of Bryan's big moves with the suicide dive and the dropkick, and yet it works well for both guys without seeming like a copycat deal. Bray's bodylock got 2.9. Dean countered a suplex into a small package, but it only gets 2. Dirty Deeds hits, but Seth is on the table distracting him. Dean runs into Sister Abigail and he loses, which is a bit bullshit - SETH ENTERED THE RING. That should've been either a DQ or no contest! Still, the match was a lot of fun and the show itself was a riot.

Screens -

Ambrose is prepping for his MIB audition

HHH HAS SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA!

http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/068y3cffv9le9e8qblrws04839lpi5tj

TNA Impact 6-12-14

It's been a crazy week gaming-wise with E3 taking up a lot of time. I've written about 50 articles since Monday, and that's just for gaming. I put up a couple of recaps on Rant Lifestyle for Main Event and the HBK-Cena WM Rewind. If you're wondering why B-show coverage has largely disappeared here it's because they have a 20 article per month requirement, and it was much easier to just transfer the recaps to RL than come up with all-new things to write about. Wrestling-wise, it's been a huge day with the release of nearly a dozen folks in WWE. 2/3 of 3MB being gone is a surprise, and I'm not really sure how well Drew would fare in TNA given that his ex-wife is there and a bigger name in that company than he would be. Brodus and Hawkins are already going to PWS where they can...take promo photos in the shower judging by their roll call of champions.

Cops features a pair of guys trying to get crack at 2 AM. One of the guys claimed to have a brain injury and based on his speech, it seems at least somewhat legit - real sad stuff. One of the guy's MOMS SHOWS UP TO PICK THEM UP. The same roaming shot of MVP aired, and they've added shots of Lashley and King to it. KENNY KING LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING GEEK. GET THIS GUY SOME GEAR THAT LOOKS MAJOR LEAGUE! Dixie promising to make MVP bleed was the capper there. EY started the show to talk. EY still needs a new theme and tron. New gear wouldn't hurt either. MVP came out in a sweet silver suit, while Lashley had his sponsored gear and Kenny was in a basic T-shirt and denim jeans/jacket combo. MVP bragged about being a world-class athlete who was STILL HALF-MAN, HALF-AMAZING. MVP told him since he can't beat him at wrestling, he should stick to EXTREME FISHING! EY buried the cheap plug with a cheap plug. EY is ridiculously shiny. EY said he wasn't talking to MVP ENTERTAINER-TO-ENTERTAINER. Oh fuck this. MVP said that EY would be able to pick the stips for the PPV main event if he could beat all three of them. Kenny King, the world's dumbest, and worst-dressed heel, said EY should make it one-on-two. What a moron. MVP made EY-Lashley next. Wait, it's two one on one matches? Why not make it a handicap match!? EY-Lashley got a tepid reaction as an action match fans could see.

Terrible ADR talked about Dixie being in Dallas to talk to the Board of Directors to TALK about MVP and Lashley.  Lashley and EY are just doing stuff. Lashley, the MMA fighter, locked on a torture rack. Why bother talking about his MMA background if he's just going to do pro wrestling holds? Lashley caught him off a crossbody off the top and hit the powerslam to pin the world champ in the opener. Oh, and Tenay said it's now a deal where EY has two win two matches. Wait, he's facing MVP too? Wasn't it a two-match series? Joe came out to brawl with Lashley, presumably to set up some yelling. WILLOW IS BEA-TEN, AND BRO-KEN, BUT HE IS NOT DEFEATED! TONIGHT WE SHALL TURN THE TIDE! OUR PATIENCE IS ON VA-CA-TION! He may also be on the drugs.

EY talked to some dude about throwing his back out. The guy ya know man talks about it being ya know serious man. Joe ya know man yelled man. Magnus came out with Bram looking rather ghetto now in ripped jeans and a tanktop. Bram talked about their history, and Magnus said Bram's his BEST FRIEND. Who we never saw, or heard about before. Bram talked about Jeff needing an alter-ego to be sadistic. Tenay talked about Willow being unpredictable - well, he came out without an umbrella, so I guess that counts. Willow cut a promo about being from Jeff Hardy's imag-i-nation, which I think references his band or some shit. He got a Hardy chant going, then a Willow chant. Willow cut a promo I think making a tag match with Jeff Hardy teaming with Willow. Everyone talked about how dangerous they were. Willow said we leading to a guy saying THE PEOPLE. And he's teaming with Abyss for some reason. Maybe he's Willow pain pill provider. Taz said THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE and that makes sense since Willow did it. So I guess Willow's booking the show. They recapped EC3 being busted open by Bully and then attacked by MLK. EC3 wore a band-aid and said DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH IT. And he's going to confront the violent heathen tonight. He's a Carter, and the world needs them. Meanwhile, the roster needs their paychecks.

They had a blink and you miss it promo hyping up Kevin Von Erich's sons wrestling. It was so fast that I couldn't even get a screen of it. OH THANK THE LORD ABOVE THEY RECAPPED THE BRO-MANS-MENAGERIE DEAL! They said you should get Slammiversary as a Father's Day gift, and that Kurt Angle would be there to announce the next hall of famer. They had Rebel's ass on-screen with this. Tenay announced some kind of TNA sale with Slammiversary DVDs being on sale, some kind of 12% off sale, and you get 12% more off somehow, and there's free shipping when you hit some amount. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TNA SALE!? I've signed contracts less convoluted. The Freak and Rebel did comedy with Jesse, the music played, the lights were crazy, DJZ did the horn, this was a clusterfuck. Crazy Steve, WHO IS CRAZY, put the balloon string down Robbie's gear. EC3 and Spud talked, while Brooke and her new boobs returned.

They recapped MVP's team beating up EC3. They replayed Dixie's tweet and that stupid hashtag before EC3 CAME OUT TO TALK! EC3 talked about recapping Bully's checkered past. No thanks - I have the WWE Network for that. YAY BROOKE! They asked her about her relationship with Bully. It's not a thing anymore. She was asked if Bully threatened to put her through a table, and HE HAS A DNA TEST! BULLY RAY IS THE FATHER!  I'm very disappointed that Spud's investigation doesn't involve a giant magnifying glass and/or monocle. She said no, he showed a wacky photo of Bully and a baby and it was actually funny. Then EC3 threatened her and Bully came down to talk. Bully was a right nice gentleman to Brooke and they hugged. THEN EC3 TALKED MORE! EC3 said their issue needed resolution, the fans chanted for tables, and EC3...agreed. Why, I have no idea. It's in Carter country, so maybe he's lucky or something. Wasn't this already announced as a table match? EC3 said Bully would put Dixie through a table over his dead body, which Bully repeated a thousand times. Bully challenged him to a TEXAS DEATH MATCH! EC3 accepted this challenge. What? Shouldn't he as a heel be trying to get out of this?

Brittany-Gail-Madison happens later. EY-Kenny is next. EY got his second full intro of the night. Kenny King got I think his first full intro with his new theme. It's generic Vegas music and no part of his look fits this gimmick. Knux's gimmick is wacky, but his gear reflect it. Nice fireman's carry from EY. Taz plugged Glory, WITH CRO COP STILL FIGHTING. Kenny hit a capoiera kick on the apron to counter an apron suplex. Kenny hit whatever his finisher is called, but he got cocky and wasted a lot of time. Springboard somersault senton missed and EY hit a wonky piledriver due to Kenny constantly moving his arms everywhere. They interviewed Madison backstage with a giant light apparently just on her, because she looked pale white. 

EY talked with the trainer, who told him not to work again, again. Gail's theme was in the background.  Everyone in the match got a full intro, so the timeline of events was only a tad off here. BPs came out after a couple of minutes of action to sit and lead to an ad break. Madison and Gail did a terrible headscissors, and then Brittany telegraphed a drop toehold by selling before the move. The chicks did a headscissors to each other. They did a terrifying double superplex to Gail, with Brittany slapping Madison on the ass before hand. The BPs insulted Madison for being a big meanie. Gail did the ringpost figure 4. BPs distracted the ref, and Gail got the win after Velvet accidentally sprayed Brittany, who the heels wanted to win for an easy PPV win. This was amongst the worst women's matches in TNA history. MVP-EY is next, or something, because it's 10:37 and there's no way they're doing a 22 minute match before the PPV. MVP met with some ref for some screwing over to be done.

We got a recap of MVP, Kenny, and Lashley - ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE FACTIONS EVER FORMED to kill time. Then a new Dixie tweet aired. Lashley-Joe was announced here, ditto Aries-King. Anderson, looking 45 in the shot, faces Storm. Willow-Magnus has the dudes in the corner. Nothing about the Von Erichs' match here. The guys came out, BUT EY GOT ATTACKED BEFORE THE BELL RANG. This plan was revealed exactly like a '60s Batman reveal. Match started at about 9:50 and wasn't much. MVP busted out a powerbomb. A nasty buckle bomb followed it up. EY's abusing his body A LOT for all this. His back's been marked up since the opener, and it's now all beaten red. MVP beat him down and brought a chair in - so he could sit and lecture him. MVP hit him in the back with the chair, which does make some sense. Sure, it gives EY the stip - but EY's back is mangled, so he should be able to win in any match EY can possibly make. MVP's crew came in. MVP posed with the belt and they missed the shot of it around the waist. Tenay said "THE SHOW WAS TWO HOURS OF BRUTALITY!" EY sounded a bit like a drunk Al Bundy making his cage match. They hyped up next week's show with THE FALLOUT FROM SLAMMIVERSARY...zero mention of MVP probably being off the card.


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Raw 6-9-14

Booker brought back SUCKAS GOTS TA KNOW! Tonight, Seth Rollins BREAKS HIS SILENCE...like he did on SD? Titus and Dolph have a match on Superstars. They join it in progress saying Dolph's been on the receiving end of the beating. Poor fucker. He wins after the Zig Zag and this was a chore to get through even a minute of. A member of 3MB faces Adam Rose on Superstars. RVD faces Cesaro and Barrett faces Sheamus tonight in MITB qualifiers. Renee's in an '80s dress and cutting a promo with RVD. THE COO AND ONE OF THE PRINCIPAL OWNERS OF WWE came out to talk. Steph kissed Hunter and wiped her spit off him, which bugged him. Dr. Maroon cut a promo talking about Bryan being unable to compete soon. I for one am not disappointed - Kane-Bryan was going to suck and I'm more excited by MITB as a show without that match on the card. A fan responded to this news by...smelling his armpit. Steph announced that there was already one qualifier - on SD...or Raw, as it was known, with Alberto. Orton's in just cuz. They talked some more. HHH ran a recap video of Seth's turn. HHH put the remnants of the Shield in a 6-man tag and kept trying to get adapt or perish over. They showed the titles above the ring...umm... Steph said Bryan just found out, why do they have the belts? Titus's fathers day ad aired. GO FISH ON A WRESTLING SHOW! TWICE IN ONE WEEK!

Sheamus came out to face Barrett, AND HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Cole questioned if they really reached out to Bryan, and JBL said that "he said his assistant did", which since STEPH SAID IT, was pointed out as being wrong. JBL said the assistant could be male, which still isn't correct at all. JERRY LAWLER is busting JBL's chops for not paying attention. AND HE'S RIGHT. Holy shit. Yeah, Sheamus could stand to lose that Cactus Jack-style crossbody over the top. Looked ugly and led to a break. Barrett's tornado suplex thing is really stupid. He goes up like a tornado DDT, but swings into a suplex...wouldn't a slingshot suplex make a lot more sense? "Staring up at the championships - THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!" It's a staring championship now? Sheamus did a dive to the floor onto the barricade. This has been a really fun brawl, with it feeling a lot like their other matches outside of a new dueling kneeling punches spot. Brogue hits out of nowhere for the win. BOO! At least this was a competitive match as opposed to the last time Sheamus pinned him, in like two minutes. I like JBL applying logic to why Orton should be in MITB since he was the first WWE WHC, as opposed to HHH just saying so. Harper talked about getting urges from a deep, dark place. Fine promo from Bray here.

A sleazy-looking movie called Tammy got an ad. May God help us all if #tammy ever trends. Lana's ass came out. She called Obama a sissy and ran a video of him working out terribly and showing PUTIN DOING JUDO! And riding a horse! She insulted the flaccid America. Rusev's medal now matches his gear. Cole alerted us to the fact that Rusev-Ryder was A REMATCH. No shit!? Rusev crushed. Crowd didn't care. Rusev now gets a giant flag over the ring as he celebrates. Truth's teaming with Goldust this week to face Ryabxel, after JBL puts over Larry Hennig since they're in MN. Goldust should really just stop letting Cody pick his partners - THEY ALWAYS LOSE. JBL said that Sin Cara doesn't speak English...um, yes he does. Goldust got cradled and lost. Layla insulted MN and Summer. Summer Rae's a face now, I think. Summer poured milk on her and they brawled. The bit at the end with Layla covered in milk is just asking for a Brazzers logo.

Cole thanked THE WWE UNIVERSE for making Raw number 1. 3MB bashed the Shield, who came out to kick ass. They did, and set up a big spear on the ramp...which they missed. Ambrose said that the Shield will go down as one of the greatest teams in WWE history. He cut an awesome promo on Seth, MY BROTHAAAAA, turning his back on them. He said he couldn't wait to hear him say HHH's words, so they could beat the hell out of him. Dean got folks pumped! They showed Seth backstage IN A SUIT! Reigns said you don't tug on Superman's cape or piss in the wind, AND YOU DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE SHIELD! Reigns said he's gonna take out Orton, then HHH! "We're gonna have our own Game of Thrones - BELIEVE THAT!"

Usos came out. Fandango came out to oppose them. Layla's tits are massive. DAMIEN SANDOW IS IN LONG TIGHTS. Holy hell. JBL talked about British wrestling history. Usos did the tea cup dance. Jesus, this is killing Sandow. Love JBL burying Cole for burying Sandow's gut. Crowd changed for Sandow - so this is working great for a face turn. Sandow got splashed. Xavier came out to face Bo. Massive CM Punk chant. RUNNING BODOG won.

Paul Heyman came out. HE IS THE ONE BEHIND THE ONE IN 21-1! Heyman said that Brock was groomed for greatness at the University of Minnesota, and after TEASING A MAN WHO MADE AT HISTORY AT WM, THE NEXT WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...CESARO! Glorious! Nice grinding chinlock from Cesaro - straight out of Fire Pro Returns. RINGPOST DRAGON SCREW set up the Neutralizer for the win. They showed Orton on vacation, which was great.

Seth came out to a new buttrock theme. Seth took all the credit for the Shield's success and said that Dean's nuts and Roman is the most furious force he's seen - but without someone to control it, he's worthless. Seth's promo is fantastic and he's making solid points. They saw him as a brother, but he saw them as business partners. Seth called out the Shield, but Seth...disappointed so the Family could teleport. This sucked. Cena came out to brawl with his former rivals in camo shorts, and he's losing his hair badly. Seth faces Dolph on Main Event. BUY THE NETWORK TO SEE SETH'S NEW GEAR!Fox-Paige. Fresh new matchup. King referenced LOST IN SPACE. They had a bad match that Paige won thanks to Foxsana's heads bonking, and then Alicia stole snacks from fans.

BIGG HOSS came out to face Santino. Santino said WE THE PEOPLES! As a Peeples, I loved that. I will not proceed to not like this match. Swagger killed him in a match full of bad Italian jokes. GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB IS A FINISHER AGAIN! Cody said he found someone who would MAGNIFY THE MAGNIFICENCE OF GOLDUST! Recap of the Maroon statement. MORE TALKING WITH HHH AND STEPH. They do not approve of Cena helping the Shield. ANOTHER SHEAMUS-CESARO MATCH! Should be fun, but fuck!

They had every Shield-Wyatts match ever, but with Cena in there less than Reigns usually is. Harper hit a clumsy-looking torture rack>neckbreaker, largely due to Cena's bump being awful. Cena got a Fruity Pebbles chant as he got beaten up. Abigail to Cena. Superman Punch to Bray. Harper tries to take Reigns out, but the boot only gets 2. Spear from Reigns to Harper gets the win! The show closed with the Shield and Cena side-by-side WITH A MAGGLE sign behind them.


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WWE SD 6-6-14

Batista quitting and the Shield splitting are covered in the show-opening recap. Seth still using the riot gear seems weird, as him coming out to HHH's theme. The boo machine is in overdrive here. It is so weird seeing Tyler Black sharing a ring with HHH. Seth's non-explanation was a bit of a wank. Dolph talked shit and was thrown into a match with Seth. JBL said that Seth was truly the architect - HE DESIGNED IT! Cole referenced the HHH interview also being vague. Nice swan dive-style flying knee from Seth. Dolph playing the jobber role against a giant by doing the "climb up the legs" deal is bizarre. Dolph hit the super WT-Factor. TOSSING BUCKLE BOMB led to the curb stomp and the win...with HHH's theme playing. Show talked shit to HHH and Seth, and he gets a match with Orton for his trouble. This was once a PPV main event, and a bad one, and now it's just a nothing TV match. The Usos squash Rybaxel is no time flat. So much for Rybaxel being top contenders - a story told on the PPV less than a week ago. IT IS TIME TO RISE FOR LANA! Rusev killed Woods. Sadly, Woods didn't wear his Apollo Creed getup here. RVD-Cesaro-Barrett have an IC Title match next. Why is RVD in this? HE LOST ON MAIN EVENT!

RVD looked good here doing the apron moonsault dive. Loved Cesaro preventing an RVD win, and then using it as an opening for the Cesaro Lift. Heyman said on commentary that he's grooming Cesaro to be a main eventer at a pace he's comfortable with - that is the perfect explanation for him not shooting to the top with this. Heyman made some great points about Cesaro having the most near-falls and then addressed that Cole should've asked about the issue. Frog splash hits Cesaro, but Barrett using the opening to elbow RVD and pin him - hopefully RVD is used to put over Rollins next. Bray cut a promo saying not much of anything. NXT Takeover vid hyped up Charlotte-Nattie, which is worth the cost of the network alone to see. Nattie faces Alicia in a stiff slappy match. Nattie won Alicia bullied Lilian. Recap of the Bryan deal. Bo came out to face Santino, who clapped along with him. JBL hyped up playing softball with kids, which Cole said was a bit ridiculous and JBL said was technically correct. RUNNING BODOG won. Emma is still with Santino. Bo should brag about beating a former IC and U.S. Champion, although won't, because that would add dialogue to his promos that didn't have Bo in it. Show and his annoyingly thing beard cut a promo about ATTACKING BULLIES. Show and Orton came out really late, ensuring a sub-10 minute main event. Show took a great bump for the draping DDT, but the match was just an excuse for Seth to attack with the flying knee while each hand was tied up with Orton and HHH. RKO set up the curb stomp on a chair - these two have some good chemistry together. There wasn't much to this show, but it accomplished its goal of making Seth look like a credible main event badass without the Shield.


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TNA Impact 6-5-14

WILL ANYTHING ON THE SHOW TOP A COUPLE STEALING DVDS FROM BLOCKBUSTER ON COPS!? Probably not. Hell, the ep before Impact has a guy drunk driving ON A BICYCLE! The reveal of Mistico/Sin Cara's new character Myzteziz led to me revamping my white and gold Sin Cara outfit a bit in FPR. This led to me making the Wolves for my TNA roster, Robbie E, and finally SAMI ZAYN! I'll probably make Tyler Breeze later as well since his gear is going to be super-easy to remake. As a result, I've got FPR plugged in and ready to go on the TV, so if Impact gets really shitty, I'll just play that and have Impact on in the background.

"MVP and his crew" dominated the video package. This faction needs a name now. Kenny King in jeans and his shirt said he's Sherlock Homeboy looking for Joe. They debuted an overhead cam...and the show then started with Joe coming out to cut a promo. Why even do the mystery angle then? Joe took a break from Twitch to say words, then MVP AND HIS CREW came out - thank God above, more talking. Could someone please donate an outfit that at least appears to cost more than $30 to Kenny King? Is there an Indie Gogo I can pledge $5 for that cause? Joe then yelled WORDS to MVP. MVP said that Joe could've had a shot at the title in a gauntlet match...which I don't recall at all. Clips of this long-forgotten bit from months ago would be nice - it's impossible to remember what happened on Impact two weeks ago, let alone months ago. Aries came out in cheap slacks and his shirt looking like a sorta-star. MVP said Joe was breaching his contract. Okay then, why is he out there then? Aries and Joe want to face the whole group. MVP made Joe-Aries with Joe's career on the line. Or Aries' career on the line, or both, or something. MVP just kept saying "he" and "him" in that. BRAM AND MAGNUS TALKED. I hope we get a Bram Cracker chant at some point. Anyway, Bram hopes Magnus finds his balls, but if he doesn't, that's cool - he'll just take his spot.

Bram came out, leading to Willow coming out and hopping around. Tenay talked about how unpredictable Willow is...in what way? He's just doing Jeff Hardy stuff with umbrella bullshit. Dixie Carter is paying Jeff Hardy six-figures to dress up for Halloween every day. Willow did a shitty back handspring forearm smash thingy that was ECW RVD-level of goofy. Air Willow on the guardrail had a wonky landing - almost like a backbreaker. Bram laid down on the steps so Willow could hit a plancha, but Bram moved. Nice spot - haven't seen that before. Bram got the bar, but Magnus had seen JUST ABOUT ENOUGH. He attacked Willow with it a lot. This was like RVD's debut, where he just bonked him over and over and over and over and Willow just never went down. The Wolves in their gear, but with SANDALS INISTEAD OF KICKPADS and a new red-wolf shirt that is very Wolfpac-ish met with MVP. Remember the years of build for Eddie-Davey in ROH that told a compelling story? We got none of that - their first one on one match in TNA IS UP NEXT.

Ken Anderson was dressed like a cowboy and drinking beer and saying I LIKE BEER. Fire this man. The Wolves had a really good move-filled match before Kenny King came out and was awful. He demanded a fight. They traded seated surfboards and cradles. This is just a waste of these two men in so many ways. Oh fuck this match. We're getting face vs. face with neither guy having an established character in TNA and Kenny King saying shit over it. Eddie got the half-crab and Taz buried Kenny for talking. Eddie got a flash cradle for a win. Kenny said more shit. I hope they beat some fashion sense into Kenny King here. Well, they hit the alarm clock. MVP said a sentence, then Dixie showed up. WHAT BAR...SUBSTANCE...THE FUCK IS DIXIE WEARING!?

BRITTANY'S ACTING WAS RECAPPED! We don't see clips of the MVP-Joe deal they referred to earlier TO SET UP THE MAIN EVENT, but we get that. Brittany's cleavage met with Madison to tell her that she's there for her. Madison sure has a lot of small tattoos on her arms and fingers. The Bro Mans had a meeting. Robbie fears THE CLOWN BRO! Robbie E's write-off is him being afraid of clowns...amazing! MVP met with Brian Hebner, looking at least 55. MVP told him there HAD TO BE A WINNER in Aries-Joe. Joe was angry with MVP. This Joe-MVP thing SURE WOULD BENEFIT FROM CLIPS! Aries came in and said he knew MVP was up to no good the second he got there. They argued about how much they hated this situation.

Bro Mans are mid-ring with DJZ's setup. Robbie said he's afraid of clowns. Why bother doing the backstage bit if you're just going to redo it in the ring? The Menagerie came out to be all wacky. Rebel got a chant. Steve and Z had a horn-off. Knux threw the Bro Mans out and then the Freak threw DJZ onto them. Brian Hebner met with Bully and EY to say he'll do what he has to do. Aries-Joe is next despite being the only announced main event.

Or rather, we'll get more with Gunner and Shaw. They played Go Fish. This was really nice to look at with all the bright white, but...wow. Go Fish was played on global TV. Christy expressed glee in this LOSER IS FIRED match. Well, it makes sense for Aries. Aries and Joe had an okay match until EY came out to prevent a finish. Bully beat up the ref and said he was sorry. Remember how well WWE did Show-Dusty? Yeah this wasn't .01% of that. Bully pitched a giant multi-man clusterfuck tag match, which EY made a first-blood match. Yeah, this needed be made at 9:10. Why is this a first blood stip? This makes zero sense given any part of this angle. OH GOD KEN ANDERSON IS STILL DOING THIS SHIT.

Ken came out to Storm's awesome face theme. I want Storm to beat the shit out of this man right now. Ken made bad breath jokes and was generally unfunny. Storm showed up looking pissed and pointing out how stupid Ken looked and that he was a fraud. Well, he's honest. They brawled and Ken got the edge for a bit. Taz pointed out that Storm DID NOT WANT TO FIGHT, but Ken did. Last Call KOed Ken. Storm cut a promo on him about dancing with the devil. OH THANK GOD MORE WITH GUNNER AND SHAW! Gunner wants to look through Shaw's drawings. So to recap, TNA didn't have the money to afford AJ Styles, but they can afford to make sets for skits involving guys playing Go Fish and flipping through a sketch book.

Gunner showed him his art, including a drawing of his mother and one of Gunner that he wasn't quite done with. This is going somewhere that's better for Shaw than the Anderson deal was. Madison came out to face Angelina. They ran a crawl for WHICH TNA SUPERSTAR YOU WOULD LIKE TO RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER WITH!? Rayne Drop hit, but Velvet distracted her. Brittany came out to even the odds. Madison got mad. Brittany's indicating some sort of emotion by moving her head in random directions there. Booty-shaking scissor stomp from Madison. Brittany stood by while Madison was hit with hairspray. Well, Madison did tell her to do NOTHING. EC3 was intimidated by MVP's crew. So EC3's a heel, but also face-ish due to being bullied. This is stupid.

WOW, A 12% OFF SALE ON SHOPTNA! Madison yelled at Brittany for not helping. Again, SHE TOLD HER TO DO NOTHING, which Brittany rightfully cited. 8-man tag FIRST BLOOD MATCH is up next. Everyone came out. MVP is now working in his shirt in addition to the bodysuit. Joe and Lashley had an intense bit for a few seconds that was really exciting...and then they went to a break. Fuck. MVP got the 3-on-1 edge against EY and of course used body shots in a first blood match. Lashley's crossfaces at least made logical sense to try and win. Everyone just did stuff. EC3 hit a Simmons-esque spinebuster to Bully - easily the best part of the match outside of the brief Joe-Lashley stuff. After talking about EC3'S STREAK ENDING AT THE PPV, Bully bonked him with the chain to end the streak and get blood. I guess that can be stricken from the record, and they didn't actually use the blade here - just going with stage blood so at least he didn't gig for a nothing match.THE BABYFACES STOOD TALL TO CLOSE THE SHOW...or not. MLK attacked EC3 and Dixie defended her nephew. What in the fuck was this? As usual, clips of NEXT WEEK'S SHOW hyped up #impactlive.

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Raw 6-2-14

Main event was a far better video package than a match - unsurprisingly. Cole's "IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WERE ARE LIVE IN FRONT OF A RAUCOUS WWE UNIVERSE!" is a terrible line. Evolution started the show, despite losing. HHH's face is a mess. Batista's hairline is a mess. HHH demanded another match, but Batista said no. HE WANTS A ONE-ON-ONE TITLE MATCH! HHH's acting here is both really good and hammy. HHH has a PLAN, but Batista doesn't care - HE WON THE WOYAL WUMBLE! HHH said he can't since Bryan's hurt, BUT HE'D JUST CHOKE ANYWAY! We could wind up with Batista-Sheamus again, which should be a lot of fun. Batista quit and did the royal wave. WAVY DAVY! RVD and Sheamus face Cesaro and Barrett NEXT! They came back from the break and replayed deal with Dave with an odd ON THE APP VO before the app part, which had him quit due to empty promises. Cesaro came out with his chest all puffed out, which was silly.I love RVD's flaming dragon singlet - one of his best ones in a while. Heyman is great on commentary putting over Cesaro as having WON THE FIGHT, which Sheamus clearly didn't want since he won with a hold. Cole brought up the swing costing Cesaro, and Heyman said that AN IRISHMAN DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT! Heyman should be a permanent commentator...for every single match, for every company in any athletic genre. They buried Bluetista. That was a blast to remake in FPR. A fan yelled "FUCK HIM UP CESARO!". Nice intense lariat from Cesaro. Cesaro nearly ate a kick, but Heyman saved him and they hugged before leaving. I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA, BARRETT! Kick hits and set up a splash win for RVD. Looking forward to Barrett-Cesaro. An awesome WWE Shop video aired - this is a shockingly modern ad for WWE!

This Royal Pains ad makes me never want to watch the show ever. Sandow came out as Lance Stephenson, in full b-ball getup. Sandow's legs are fucking skinny. Chris Copeland was in the crowd. Love the guy pointing his girl to the tron to look at a real star. Sandow fucked around a bit. Yes, A SHOT OF A CELEBRITY NEEDS SHAKEY CAME! Show, A REAL BASKETBALL PLAYER came down. Remember when he was a main eventer 6 months ago? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY DISPLAY OF MAD SKILLS! Sandow is amazing. Shame he got KOed though. Show busted the backboard too. This ate time. That segment reminds me of when WWE buried UFC for not having enough content to fill a PPV time slot. A new WWE Network ad aired. Then they hyped up Bray-Cena on Raw in DC in a few weeks.

Kofi came out to face...someone. He's got a wacky handsign now. So he's facing Bo - why even do the big Kane attack IF FUCKING KINGSTON IS OKAY AFTER A DAY!? Bo's wet shirt can't be very comfortable. Bo put over the Pacers, and Lebron, FOR BO-LIEVING! Bo hit a shoulder block and declared DID YOU SEE THAT - I'M WINNINIG! I can't wait for him to do the inspirational person's el-bo. Crowd chanted boring, which JBL said was BO-LIEVE. What a shitty finisher, and his face hit his thigh. Yargh. Kofi shined really brightly in this. Re-recap of Batista quitting. Going through my screens showed that Bo's tights had a bit of a malfunction. Poor guy. Steph talked to Renee about the title - she'll talk about it next.

Steph came out. I hope she reminds BRIANNA that Brie Bella is a registered trademark of WWE. Steph's floral dress is fantastic - nowhere near what Dixie's gaudy tablecloths are. Steph said that IF BRYAN CAN COMPETE, we'll get a stretcher match between Bryan and Kane. Oh boy howdy, a STRETCHER MATCH! But if he can't compete, the MITB match will be for the title...I prefer that option, actually. Steph and Cena giggled a bit. Cena seemed to agree a lot with Steph's points here, even though he was against her being an egomaniac. Then he cut Bryan's promo for him. Okay. BRYAN IS HEALTHY ENOUGH TO SPEAK, why isn't he saying this? Cena said he missed time for surgery, HHH missed time for surgeries, and STEPH WAS OUT OF ACTION FOR SURGERY. She said that put her in action. Glorious. Cena told her to get her resume ready for careerbuilder - ZERO MEANS YOU SUCK! Cena will face THE DEMON KANE right now. Set up with his pyro in the corner.

They started Kane-Cena on the app and put over the stretcher match a lot. I would've preferred THE DREADED CHAIRS MATCH to a stretcher match. Cena's punches suck, and Kane's slow. KANE WAS DQED FOR KICKING TOO MUCH ASS! Kane not struggling at all with the steps is hilarious after Cena struggled with them last night. They did a really fake-looking bit with Cena bonking Kane into the post. Cena chucked the steps at Kane. Fuck this. Kane grabbed a chair and hit the announce table with it...accomplishing nothing. FOR THE FOURTH TIME, BATISTA LEAVING WAS SHOWN. Orton said he's the face of WWE and he'll face Roman later.

The hair match was replayed in stills. Hornswoggle has a fro. COLE REFERENCES WELCOME BACK, KOTTER IN 2014. Jesus Christ. Drew and Heath faced the Matadores. They referenced Chia pets. Hornswoggle danced AND THE BULL STOOD NEXT TO HIM AND TOOK THE WIG OFF. This reveal ruled. Distraction schoolboy won. This filled time. Torito danced with the fro! Torito deserves at least quintuple his current salary - he's amazing! Dolph-Alberto is an MITB qualifier. This reminds me of the graphic with Alberto having an extra, and Mr. Fantastic-sized arm in an MITB case before.

Nikki cut a promo ON THE APP, and was put in a handicap match. Nikki-Foxsana...cue the jokes. Cole buried Obama and compared him to JBL. Nikki hit the worst schoolboy in history. Alicia won.
She hit the sideslam to the floor after slapping Nikki's ass. HASHTAG WINNING. HASHTAG LOSING! Harper and Rowan cut a promo. Harper's beard going over his lips adds a nice bit of sleaze to his look. Harper was fantastic! Brodie Lee is a WWE main eventer in 2014, along with Bryan Danielson, Jon Moxley, and Tyler Black. Crazy. A Rush ad aired. CAN'T YOU JUST SEE SPORTSCENTER TOMORROW!? No.

Zeb cut a promo on the leftover hippies and GLUTEN-FREE MILLENIALS! Cole called JBL old. JBL's an old man...he's only about 10 years older than Rose. They finally nixed the sitar from Rose's theme. Rose spanked him. JBL said it's like watching Randy Couture face Bozo the Clown. Randy's been retired for what, four years now? Cole buried JBL for never knowing anything about NXT talent despite being the GM...which MAKES NO SENSE. The crowd chanted for Rose by singing his theme. Some fans had no lemons and rose bud signs - they looked really good. The FLYING Party Foul won. This gimmick sucks in the ring. Loved the shot of a chick in a Dolph shirt just befuddled. Usos cut a wacky "UCE-O CRAZY" video.

WWE HAS MORE FACEBOOK FANS THAN THE MLB AND NHL COMBINED! Thanks MLB.TV! Rowan started beating up the Uso with taped ribs. Cole buried JBL for Machiavelli quotes. They really should've showed that superplex spot, because I completely forgot about why the ribs would be taped up until Cole brought it up. Rowan looks lost in there. This match is fine, I just find it impossible to care. Harper got the knees up for a Superfly Dive and he did a zombie walk. SUPERKICK GOT 2! Harper was nearly beat there. They teased a schoolboy win, but thankfully that didn't happen and the Wyatts won with a Rowan Side Effect. They hyped up Orton-Roman. The era of Orton as champion feels like it was eons ago. DOLPH FACES ALBERTO DARIO! Thanks King, you just gave him his TNA name.

RVD-Barrett was made for Main Event. RVD's face in his graphic is amazing. A VERY IMPORTANT MATCH gets a jobber intro for the former WWE and World Heavyweight Champion. As usual, JBL and King joked about Dolph killing Jerry with the elbow drops. They're talking about golf. Is Larry Zybisko on-staff now? Vile shot to the air to the left of Dolph's body there. Famouser got 2. Wacky flapjack landing for Dolph led to him avoiding the superkick but eating the armbar and losing. DEL RIO WINS!? "We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks over the plight of the Rhodes Brothers!" - or...you know, mentioned it in passing once in a month. Recap of Cody quitting. He's picked Goldust's partner tonight for the death slot tag team match.

Sin Cara was his partner. Dammit! I was hoping for a BookDust reunion! Sin Cara's neon yellow and black gear looks sharp. JBL said the Rhodes Bros. didn't lose to a bad team - LIKE THE DING DONGS! JBL burying the Ding Dongs and Jim Herd is at least making this entertaining. He also talked about the Hunchbacks, which never made TV. Swanton missed and the Perfect Facebuster won. THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION HONORS RUSEV. Christ almighty. Lana was booed for referencing...facts...about Edward Snowden. THE BULGARIAN SUIT! It's 10:50 and this thing is just starting. Main event's getting about 20 seconds, isn't it? God, Angle coming out right now would be so many buys. So...why would Rusev be getting this award? Do they hate African-Americans or something? Shouldn't this kind of thing be done at around the peak of this gimmick, and not month one after he beat jobbers and one star? This would actually make sense to do after beating Angle, so let's just imagine he beat Angle last night and not Big E. This is so great. Love Cole burying JBL FOR CONSTANTLY SAYING ONE THING ABOUT THIS OVER AND OVER, and for laughing at his material. This got no payoff - they just went to commercial.

This is historic replay #393983 of this segment on the RECORD-BREAKING EPISODE # 1,765 episode of Raw. Ambrose is such a sleazy-looking motherfucker. Love him to death. Great promo from all three guys. I hope these guys never really break up - they're by far the best trios act since the Freebirds. Evolution came out and...HOLY SHIT, SETH HIT THEM WITH A CHAIR! So yeah, Tyler Black is about to team up with HHH... CURB STOMP ON THE CHAIR TO AMBROSE! That annoying fan said WHY WHY!? WHY?! WHY!? Come on guys, you're armed with a hammer and a chair - HIT HIM! Seth did the damage and Randy came in for sloppy seconds. They took Roman's vest off to show the damage to his back. RKO ON THE CHAIR! This was shocking, but sets up some good Seth-Shield Members matches on PPVs before Summerslam.


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WWE Payback 2014

Bob Backlund was shown in pre-show photos. His refusal to age is admirable. I wonder if he's there for a skit with Sandow since they each have dark blue robes with white towels underneath. Kofi stole the pre-show within seconds of speaking by saying he and Booker look alike and everyone thinks they're the same person. Booker steals it from him by saying TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT OF REMATCHES! Lilian's audio is louder than everyone on the panel. Yikes. Matadores came out with black and red bedazzled gear. They're no longer dressed like Vega or Tito Santana - boo! Cole explained a joke about Torito being A BULL in CHICAGO in great detail. With that tummy, Hornswoggle should be Bo's sidekick next.  The commentators joked about Hornswoggle being a drunk and joking about no one having a luggage cart. I now demand a shoot where someone tells a story about a drunk Hornswoggle being moved around on a luggage cart. HORNYSAULT...misses. Jinder had to fuck his ankle up doing a flip to the floor. Drew did a wacky spot where he dove onto the pile and did Dreamer's pose - glorious! THE BULL DID A TRIANGLE RANA TO HEATH! THIS RULES! RUNNING LIGER BOMB FROM HORNSWOGGLE! This got glorious real quick. "This much head, I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE THAT MUCH TIME IN THE KICKOFF SHOW!" JBL rules. JBL knocked them for using WHIPPED CREAM. Yeah, or shaving cream. Horswoggle's facial expressions here are great. I hope Cesaro's got some spare Head Blades for this. I also hope he kept that sponsorship. Cody and Goldust did a promo talking about their match with Rybaxel tonight. They're in the arena WHERE THE BROTHERHOOD WAS BORN...hmm...Booker did a fantastic tease with a Punk chant going on saying he had BREAKING NEWS! Kofi-Bo is later.

An outstanding video package started the show set to the "the whole world's set to a ticking bomb" theme. This made the actual buildup to the PPV seem interesting and not boring as all hell, so WWE's PPV package folks deserve a raise. Sheamus-Cesaro is the opener. I'd have gone with a match that was built up somewhat well...but nothing has been, so what the fuck why not. This should be really good. Heyman came out and tied the crowd's chants for Punk into a plug for hockey, a streak ending their, AND HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERING THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK! Cesaro's King of Swing shirt and jacket scream midcarder. This match started off WITH CLUBBERIN. SHOOT TEARDROP SUPLEX by Cesaro. Cole read Wikipedia facts about the U.S. Title. It took Cole nine hundred years to get King's clue about JBL being a former U.S. Champion. Outside-in battering ram is met with an uppercut. Deadlift superplex gets 2. They have just spent the whole match beating each other up - IT'S AMAZING. Three flying knees off the top from Sheamus. Well, falling knees. Pop-up uppercut gets 2.9! This is by far their best match yet. CESARO'S GERMAN GOT 2! Countered into a Neutralizer, BUT THAT'S COUNTERED INTO A SNAP WHITE NOISE FOR 2.9! Sheamus is shining like he hasn't since that Big Show match at HIAC 2012! Sheamus catches Cesaro off the top and hit a spinebuster into a cloverleaf. ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE! THE SWING! Cesaro got dizzy off the swing and Sheamus won with a flash small package! Wow. If you're going to beat Cesaro, that's about as good a way to do it as possible. Love the flash cradle - gives Heyman a reason to have Cesaro ditch the Swing until the face turn. A WWE Network ad hyped up Countdown...why?

Rhodes Bros-Rybaxel is up. Axel's got new-ish gear and is going for a black and red motif. His hopping is quite wacky. Ryback did a splash with the flight path of a sofa - right out of FPR. Ryback's new black longer tights under the red and smoke grey singlet look works. Goldust as Ricky Morton is amazing. CODE RED BY GOLDUST! Cody gets a hot tag and goes on a dropkicking fury! Nasty moonsault onto both guys from Cody. Ryback powerbombed Cody into Goldust leading to a 2 off the Meathook. CrossRhodes gets 2.9 thanks to a save. Disaster Kick led to a Shell Shock and a win for Rybaxel! It's okay if he does a ton of jobs as a face - he'll be turning heel to do a ton of jobs as a heel soon enough. Cody grabbed the mic and told Goldust that Dustin deserved a better partner. IT IS NOW TIME TO RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! Big E's white, red, and blue gear looks solid. It's a bit much. THIS MATCH IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL PRIDE! Really now? Big E hit some nice body shots to start, while Rusev countered with clubs to the back. A WE WANT ZIGGLER chant broke out. Big E hit the spear to the floor spot, which with Rusev, was terrifying. Rusev countered the Ultimate splash with a superkick. This is over-delivering. RUSEV CRUSH TIME! Accolade wins.

A terrible MITB ad aired with talking money. Kofi came out in red and yellow Flash-style gear with an AJ-style hoodie vest. JBL put over Bo's streak of TWO WINS! He's 3-0 - 2 against Sin Cara and 1 against Woods. Bo cut a promo on the hockey match, and the Kane killed Kofi. LOOKIT! LOOKIT! LOOKIT! OHNO A TOMBSTONEPILEDRIVER! Cole is annoying. Bo told him to KEEP BO-IEVING. Fans chanted WE BO-LIEVE. On the pre-show, they mentioned Kofi's TWEETS, which Cole brought up as a possible reason for all this. NOW they get to that!? Hair-mask match was recapped. RVD came out to face BAD NEWS BARRETT! They did stuff for a while. OH GOD ENOUGH WITH JBL SAYING BAD NEWS! Cole referenced the Spice Girls in 2014. Barrett avoids the splash, but RVD counters the elbow with the scissor cradle. WINDS OF CHANGE gets 2. BULL HAMMER misses against the post! OUTSIDE IN TORNADO DDT hits and gets 2. Looked nice too. RVD's bringing as much as he can bring tonight, I'll give him that much. BULL HAMMER hits!

A Bryan-Steph recap airs. Steph's rack looks amazing in this dress. Steph's "If you might one day conceive some...weird bearded babies..." ruled. A Punk chant broke out. "These people want you to quit just like CM Punk did!" "Daniel, you and I both know what needs to be done?" Acting classes? Big pop for Brie quitting! YAY! HER ACTING IS GONE! Brie slapped her, AND YOU MUST TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TITLE! An amazing Bray-Cena video hyped up their match. Bray got the phone treatment again. Thank God this gimmick came about in the smartphone era - it looks awesome! Usos came out to fend off the Family. Got a huge pop too. Great corner charge from Bray. DANCING SHORTARM LARIAT FROM BRAY was countered into the tackle. They're going through signature spots with misses like the senton and STF now. Cole called Bray's walked A STRANGE CONCOCTION! Isn't that more of a drink? Bray hit some awful strikes to set up an apron DDT that also looked bad. Sister Abigail hits and gets a high count. Ditto the AA. LOL at JBL's THE MOMENT MAY BE UNSTOPPABLE! Bray got up at 7 with the crab walk bit. WHISPER IN THE WIND OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!? HOLY SHIT! They did some stuff with a chair for a while. Two big chairshots to Bray's back - one on the floor, one in the ring. HE'S TRYING TO STOP THE MOVEMENT! They have got to come up with a better term for this deal. Cena got a table. Suplex slam through the table! THE MOVEMENT MAY HAVE JUST WON! Crowd sang the whole world song. Bray bonked him with steps and they got in a Bray-washed mention. Cena hit him with the steps and King worked in a PAYBACK mention.

CENA CHUCKED THE STEPS OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR ONTO BRAY! HOLY CRAP! It got 7. Really now? They did a replay of the steps and THEY MISSED AN ABIGAIL TO THE FLOOR! They replayed the spot - Bray caught him in mid-air and nailed the move. Cena got up. Bray's arm got all cut up somehow. Bray backdropped him onto the steps to counter a powerbomb. AA TO THE FLOOR! Family saves Bray and demolishes Cena. No Usos - I sure hope Cena has more than 2 friends. Nope. Usos came out again. Uso dive was countered with a table. WHY WOULD YOU JUMP WHEN A GUY IS HOLDING A TABLE AT YOU!? Assalanche through a table. SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP FROM HARPER TO AN USO THROUGH TWO TABLES! Great video game spot. Bodycheck through the barricade! A loud HOLY SHIT chant broke out. They got up and brawled in the crowd. Bray, instead of fighting ON A STABLE SURFACE, fights on a thin box. AA off the box through another box, and he trapped him with another box. This was... a wacky finish. To quote the black cop on the Simpsons "damn boxes!" HE CAN FINALLY SMILE! He trapped a guy under a box! MITB ad again. THIS FUCKING AD AGAIN!? An ad for ISN'T WWE AMAZING with the Special Olympics aired.

Alicia's out for her match with Paige. Saraya Knight gets namedropped! Nice sunset flip backbreaker from Paige. Alicia stole Frank the Clown's soda. Alicia slammed Paige OFF THE STEPS TO THE FLOOR. Cole kept saying LOOKIT! He's turning into Tenay at his worst. Alicia did her apron-dropping sideslam. Why are they doing apron bumps in a divas match? Paige locks on the PTO...God that fucking name... Alicia declared SILENCE! Alicia just ran away. So we got all the good freakouts on free TV. King called Cole out on not drinking his Dew. They pimped the post-show. MAIN EVENT HYPE! Batista's in blue gear - and it's not even the same shade. This is by far BIG DAVE'S worst gear ever. Roman just looks ready to wreck shit up. They did shit all over the place until it broke down into a regular six-man tag. Everyone did stuff until ROMAN GOT IN THERE WITH HHH! THREE AMIGOS FROM SETH TO HHH! So Tyler Black is in the ring dominating HHH...wow! Ambrose was the face in peril here, and got some hope with the rebound lariat. Reigns got in and told the camera guy to move so he didn't hit him with the apron kick. HHH hit Seth in the crowd with a novelty store monitor set piece.

Orton dismantled the table. OH NO, HE KNOCKED THE MOUNTAIN DEW OFF THE TABLE! TRIPLE POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE BY EVOLUTION! Oh yeah, it's an elimination match. They took Roman out without pinning him. VINTAGE BASH AT THE BEACH! BUT WHICH SIDE WILL HE BE ON!? Roman came back out after everyone else was just demolished. This feels like a random assortment of just doing stuff, and it's much...less good, but not bad, than the first one. They took his shirt off and brought canes in. They caned him to make Roman seem even tougher. Now it's chair time. DIVING SUPERMAN PUNCH TO ORTON OFF THE STEPS! They beat him with chairs. Ambrose came back out and got beat up with a light board. SETH DOVE OFF THE TRON! It's 10:51 and we've got no eliminations, which should set up an awesome triple pin. Batista spears Seth, but Roman spears him AND SETH PINS BATISTA! GOODBYE SONG! RKO TO SETH BUT REIGNS SAVES HIM! Dean saved Roman with a chair from the draping DDT and beat him with Dirty Deeds to the chair! OH MY GOD! TIME FOR ROMAN TO PIN HHH! Batista came in to spear Roman and Ambrose got hit with the hammer. SPEAR! ROMAN WINS! Everyone just looked barely alive after this. They got enough stuff here for an epic war story to be told after the fact.

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