WWF Summerslam 1997

America the Beautiful plays over the PA while we get a BISCHOFF SMELLS TURNER'S ASS sign with Vince putting his hand over his heart. PERFECT! We get pyro across the cage for the HHH vs. Mankind opener. Weird to have the opener be a cage match, and HHH is fresh off a KOTR win too. We get a recap of their feud, with them brawling all over the place last month and then Mick dressing as a camera man on Raw and eating a spear from Chyna.

Ross talks about how Mankind as Cactus Jack competed in matches with beds of nails - so steel cages won't scare him. HHH goes to escape right away, but Mick stops him.  "CERTAINLY NOT BETTER KNOWN AS, BUT KNOWN AS MICK FOLEY!" Gotta put over the power of that WWF trademark, Vince! So they set up the cage to counteract Chyna...and then set up her CLIMBING THE CAGE AND BEATING UP MICK as evidence that the cage works. Okay. Hogan/Bossman cage superplex spot, only with a bigger bump from Mick.

HHH avoids walking out and wants to deal out more damage. And keep in mind, this ring had no give to it. Ditto those cage bars. Mick has taken a hell of a lot of abuse FOR THE OPENER. Mick gets rammed into the cage a ton and boy is that just a bad idea all around. Mick and Hunter fight up top and Mick gets kicked to the ring. Mick hangs him upside down and bodyblocks him against the cage. Ross talks about how both men were trained by legends, with Kowalski training HHH and Denucci training Foley. They fight up top and HHH gets crotched and Chyna brings a chair up via her arm and throws it to HHH. Mick avoids the pedigree on a chair and catapults him into her on the cage. VIVA LA CATAPULT! AND LISTEN TO THAT REACTION. HOLY SHIT! Double arm DDT on the chair by Mick. Chyna tries to save HHH, but can't pull him out. Mick preps for a Superfly dive of his own and lands it after revealing...the remnants of a painted on heart. Giant superfly elbow hits.

Mick is out on the floor, but THE POWER OF DUDE LOVE'S THEME revives him. Todd and a purple suit introduce the NJ governor with Gorilla and the Headbangers to suck up for the company not being taxed anymore. She got a Winged Eagle and it looks like she managed to get a Reggie belt in under 20 years - good on her! Tiger Jeet and Tiger Ali Singh are shown in the crowd.  Goldust vs. Pillman is recapped...somewhat. This is a battle over a dress. Okay.

Pillman jumps him and Goldust slugs him in the corner and kisses him mid-ring. A slam to the rope off the top could've gone so much worse than it did. As it is, it looked like a twisted ankle and a hard bump on the apron - and it's no wonder why he was on pain pills constantly even in this state physically. Pillman manages a flying clothesline off the top for 2 and honestly, it looked great given how messed up his ankle was.

The Godwinns come out with a rebel flag...HERE IN 1997 as we get a recap of the doomsday device breaking Henry's neck. Bib overall-only Godwinns is a perfect heel redneck look. A HOSS FIGHT BREAKS OUT! Animal kicks the shit out of Dennis Knight in the corner and double clotheslines them down.  Henry gets shoved head first into the steps and then eats a legdrop from Hawk. Animal works the arm for a bit for some reason. Capt. Lou rambles for a bit at ringside. Long bearhug before Hawk runs wild and Vince calls him "a one man gang". NECKBREAKER TO HENRY gets 2 when PIG saves. Revolving door corner lariats and they spike piledrive Henry to win it. Good way to watch up their finish - they should've done that more often.

Fans arrive to maybe win a million bucks, I think. Todd's Dr. Evil impression is shockingly contemporary for the summer of 1997 - now, Vince is probably just getting it. They pick numbers and a fan doesn't pick up and fails to win a million bucks. THIS WAS ONLY FOR PPV. WHY WASN'T THIS ON THE PRE-SHOW!? We get a ton of great shots of Sunny and also Sable is around doing stuff. Folks don't win a million, but everyone who answers got $5,000 in a savings bond.

Ken Shamrock vs. British Bulldog is hyped up...with dog food on Raw. I have ZERO recollection of any of this. HBK vs. the British Bulldog is hyped up for One Night Only - so that's sure a weird thing to do BEFORE THIS MATCH. Ken kicks his ass all over the place. Ken gets a sunset flip for 2. Ross talks about Davey being a veteran and his first Summerslam being 1988 with Dynamite Kid. Davey gets hit in the head with a can of dog food for a DQ. Okay, so I didn't see that being a finish - but he "snaps" to get that over. RNC is a shoot after years of the sleeper being treated like a transitional move or worse, Beefcake's finish, for eons was always a tough one for this era. Bulldog is the character babyface here BUT KEN IS OVER AS FUCK standing belly to belly throwing everyone.

Vince tells the tale of each guy being a shade of grey here as Todd interviews HBK backstage. DOA vs. Los Baricuas is up. "We live together, we ride together, AND GUESS WHAT ELSE WE DO TOGETHER..." Gang Warz brawling is shown and then the match features lots of brawling and Vince can't tell which biker is which. Ahmed lays out Chainz with...what they call a Pearl River Plunge on the floor to get the win for the other enemies of their group. Then all the factions fight and Crush threatens to run guys over. Ahmed's knee brace on his right leg is ENORMOUS!

Owen vs. Austin is hyped up by Owen pinning Austin at Canadian Stampede. I like that GETTING A PIN IN A TEN MAN TAG leads to this - it's portrayed as a big deal JUST PINNING HIM. Also, if Austin can't kick his ass, he'll kiss it. Cole talks to Austin about HAVING TO KISS OWEN'S BACKSIDE if he loses!

Owen jumps him and attacks the knee, but the Thesz press punches help Austin. After a fast start, they slow it down with holds - which is normally odd, but here, it works because they hook you in with the brawling and use the wrestling as a new base so you don't boo it or pelt it with boring chants. Owen stomps the arm on the steps and puts Austin the Andre position on the ropes. Rana attempt by Owen is met with a powerbomb! Owen lands a slam and the flying elbow for 2. Austin rolls through a crossbody for 2. Owen gets a running DDT for 2 - now there's a move I never recall him doing. Owen gets a sleeper, but Austin jacks his jaw. "Both men have won King of the Ring - BOTH MEN HAVE WON SLAMMYS!" - Ross looking to keep his job a bit longer.

Austin slugs him and Owen lands the seated tombstone. Owen stalls as Austin in real-time tries to move his arms. Here, the stip helps as Owen can't just point to his ass and they talk about him suffering a possible stinger. Austin moves a bit and gets a cradle that Owen is a pro for and at least pins himself down further. Austin's legs go out on him and the refs help him out. King puts over the cradle as being something caused by Owen's head bouncing while Ross says that he was caught by surprise.

Hart Foundation vs. HBK/Taker stuff is recapped. "Thank you for letting me still be your hero!" What a great line. I love seeing all the Bret-Vince brawling. PATRIOT BEATS BRET ON TV DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY FOR THE WIN in 1997. Astounding. "In the shadow of New York City!" - old habits don't die for Vince. Bret wants the fans to stand for the Canadian national anthem and he dedicates the match to his fans around the world. What a brilliant act this was.

HBK gets his full intro as ref - AND IS WEARING PANTS! Taker and Bret brawl around for a bit before Taker gets a bearhug. Bret works Taker's lower body over, but gets clubbed in the corner. Bearer comes down and Taker is locked in a figure four, but DEADMAN RISES UP and reverses it. Pillman and Owen are out and Bret works the knee over.  Chokeslam from Taker leads to him forcing HBK into the ring and BRET GETS A DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY THAT FELLED HIM, but it only gets 2.5. I like that the distraction schoolboy that finished Bret on TV only gets 2.5 here - crushing him a bit more mentally.

Bret backbreaker posts Taker and then hammerfists him off the second rope. Bret suplexes him for 2 and the DEADMAN RISE hits. Russian legsweep hits and BRET'S CORNER BUMP GETS 2! Outside-in chokeslam by Taker gets 2. Taker goes up for old school, but Bret kicks the rope out of him. Bret gets a sharpshooter and then gets a RINGPOST SHARPSHOOTER, which I have no recollection of at all. Bret beams him on the head with a chair hard and ONLY GETS 2!

HBK sees the chair in the corner and asks Bret about the chair, which he didn't see before and goes to chairshot Bret, but BRET MOVES AND TAKER EATS ANOTHER SICK SHOT TO THE HEAD and that's it. Unreal heat for all this.

Talk'NShop-A-Mania 2020

Love the hype video of it being Doc talking about how horrible the show was without being drunk. Rocky suggests meditation if you don't drink, and Karl suggests weed. Karl hypes up the boneryard match. Doc does a Fink impression and thanks everyone for paying for the show to cover their asses. Karl sneaks up on his wife and she asks if he wants to see her tits, so she flashes him and Karl moves the camera down. "I'm here to get mothafuckin' paid - now stand back playas! SIX FEET!" - T-Long rules. Karl thanks everyone for tuning in.

CHAD 2 BADD talks shit about Sex Ferguson and challenges him to a boneryard match while Sex does a Taker impression.  "Boys, what the fuck are we doin'?!" Karl is biased towards Chad and his great bumps and punches, while Doc is looking forward to Sex pulling it out. Freight Train comes down and Karl says it's time for the Green Mile while they buried his gear. Freight Train tosses guys out before Lazer takes dudes out and Karl says he can't call him who he thinks he is. Lazer goes out and Mike Bennett tosses himself out. Pillman Jr. comes in and Doc talks about why didn't he get an intro.

Guys wrestle as Freight Train watches on. Freight Train...calmly runs over guys. Alex Koslov returns! Koslov's bearded mother runs in and beats everyone up. Koslov's mother and Brian somehow chuck Train out. Chico Luchador takes out the bearded mother with a stunner and tosses her out to win. Chavo hates the guy and his cheap gear. Doc talks to Koslov about his bearded mother beating dudes up and not getting the TalknShop 24/7 Title. His mother fucked up and then the bearded mother beats the shit out of him.

Mike gives Doc money he owes him and bails in a dad van when Maria calls him. Frankie Coverdale faces THE NATURE BOY PAUL LEE. "He's pulling up in a used '94 Corvette with 200,000 miles on it!" Lee's "THERE'S 'POSED TO BE PEOPLE TO SEE ME!" makes them crack up for eons before Doc bitches about guys not wiping their feet to get in his home, but they're fine doing it to get in a dirty ring in his backyard. Paul Lee poses while they bury his gear and talk about him being a SHOOT MILLIONAIRE! We get long headlocks while they bitch about how shitty it is and go to another match after Coverdale gets tossed off for an Irish whip and goes off Doc's property to a lake due to the momentum.

Old '70s jobber vs. a dwarf as George North faces one of the henchman in the first Archer vignette - Stump Kowalksi. "Was that normal speed!? FOR REAL!!?" during a cane shot, so they cutaway.We get sponsor plugs "Most anyone on the show who's even an ounce over has a store over on ProWrestlingTees."Scott D'AMORE AND HIS HAIR bury Sex and gas station dick pills. Teddy comes out and demands his money, and makes a tag match. The '80s Russians come out to face the Jungle Kittens.

The Flock comes in WITH REIS AS THE YETI in TP to beat their asses before D'Lo runs in and Sky Highs a fake Russian. Rhino gores a fake Russian before Pillman Jr. is out before working spots. Chavo brings out Pepe and frog splashes Kim Chee aka Rimjob. Cold Stone Willie Mack runs wild with stunners. Karl gives them beers and Mack stunners Chavo. Karl talks to Scott about fucking over LG because he's the bumper and the feeder. PWtees grudge match as Rory Fox and they talk about how big his dick is. He says that 11 years ago, he faced MATT CARDONA and he ripped his gear off mid-ring and killed his amazing career.

Brian Myers comes out and calls him a stupid fucking never-was jabroni and has him face SwoggleRyder and himself. They kick his ass and then expose it in a thong.   Paul Lee is working a headlock in a pool. Chavo chokes Chico Luchador with a weight. Chavo locks him in the sauna. AB ROLLER TO THE ABS! Chavo pins him and wins the 24/7 title. Chad 2 Badd clocks him with the belt to win the belt.

 Nzo comes out and says he's happy to be here before forgetting what he's gonna say and Gallows took a loan out of this to lose a bunch of money. He says that he's out here a day later and talks about a dildo being used in the main event and was screwed on his payoff. Vernon Love takes out Lee and his opponent before the Hawkins Tonk Man gets beaten up by Heath as Elvis and then Penzer says who gives a fuck who won the match.

Chad arrives in a white hearse with his name on it before the druids drop him in the casket. He says he isn't scared of the boner yard. Sex gets a guitar solo about making towns and fucking rats. "HOLY MOTHER OF BALL SACKS, IS THAT AIR PARIS OF AIR RAID!?" Sex rubs his ass in Chad's face and then gets low blowed. "WHY'D YOU HIT MY COCK!?" Chad gets knocked next to "Allen" in the grave.

Sex beats up Chad with Uncle Allen's arm after Maria talks shit to Chad. The Rock n Rolls talk shit to them before the druids surround them. "You want an autograph? They're usually $10 - but for you, $20". Sex buries Johnny Swinger for stealing his gimmick. Sex takes Chad down and wants to pin him, but Heath and Brian won't count. Chavo chases Chico with a giant sword. "I'm destroying our hearse that I bought for $2,500 on ebay!" Chad farts on him during a tombstone and they flashback to September meeting with the Bucks to sign with AEW.

"The Pauls made a lot of promises!". "Let's say the word ends and there's some kind of worldwide pandemic!" They do a verbal agreement, BUT KARL MARKS OUT FOR HHH'S TEXTS and they re-sign. "What do we do? THE ONLY MOVE WE DO!" DOUBLE SUPERKICK! "NO NOT THE LAB COATS! ACES AND 8S!" Chad lays him out in the grave after an "I'm sorry, I love you".  and retains the belt before leaving on his little truck. Doc debuts a new Jason-esque act THE COCK TORTURER. WE GET CREDITS on a PPV for the first time since WCW and Hot Asian Wife is named.