House of Hardcore 40

Jay Spade is out to face Matt Lancy, and beats him fairly quickly with a discus flying forearm. Okay-ish match - nothing amazing. Mean Gene does a silly WCW Hotline plug from the convention. Alex Reynolds is out to face Swoggle. Swoggle chokeslams MJF, tells him "fuck you" and Reynolds cheats to beat Swoggle. Killer Kross faces Willie Mack in another TV Title tourney match. Mack stuns him to win, but Kross attacks the arm after the match.

The Squad World Order is out to face the Rock N Roll Express and the Hurricane - so it's '06 WWE vs. the last 30 years of the Carolinas outside of the Hardys. One commentator jokes about Mikey's helmet being something he must've won from the Legends of the Hidden Temple, and using Wite Out to write SWO on it because he couldn't find paint - and he's impressed he managed to spell it correctly. The Express comes out to prevent the world from hearing more of Kenny.

Robert works Kenny over and uses Kenny as a method of doing more moves to Mikey. Randy takes a bump for the Hurricane pose! FIGURE FOURS FOR EVERYONE! Ricky plays face in peril with Mikey. Flying legdrop misses for Kenny! Ricky rolls through and tags in Robert! Kicks and double knockers! DOUBLE HURRICHOKESLAM! Rana from Ricky! DOUBLE DROPKICK ENDS IT!

Carlito is out to face MVP in a purple Punisher getup. Carlito works in a shirt and does some kneelifts. Carlito kicks out of the playmaker. Second one ends it. Joey Ryan and Teddy Hart are out for a match. Teddy isn't amused by Joey's dick and hurts his knee on an inverted atomic drop. Joey drops down off a corner sunset flip and wins with a dick to the face.

 
Trey Miguel faces Ace Romero, Super Crazy, and two other guys in a fatal five way. Crazy hits his moonsaults and gets a cradle to win. Cage and Aries are out for their match. It's a heck of a different style clash. F5 on the apron for Cage. Apron neckbreaker for Aries gives him an edge briefly. Brian Cage and Aries are having a heck of a match here. Aries eats a giant catching suplex, but lands the corner dropkick and wins with the brainbuster. He cuts a promo on how much everyone here loves pro wrestling before announcing that Fenix and Pentagon will face him in a triple threat at Redemption to replace Alberto.

The Killer Elite Squad comes out and then Billy Gunn and Tommy are out with weapons. HOWEVER, the federal commission dude basically playing Fonzie in '95 is out and says weapons are banned here in this match involving Tommy Dreamer. Tommy hits the Dusty homage offense before tagging Billy in to work the bulk of this. Tommy gets choked in the rope by Davey, and this must be like a working vacation for KES. They can do next to do nothing and get a solid reaction. Davey's homage to Mike Awesome trunks look terrible on him. Gunn comes in and hits a stinger splash on Lance. Gunn gets a falling Hart attack for 2.

Billy teases a double dive, before they run out and land some punches instead. Tommy and Billy go back and get their weapons. Can to the head of Archer.  Davey takes a ladder to the back and a Dreamer DDT gets 2. Inverted Razor's Edge to Dreamer gets 2 thanks to a Gunn save. Robliss prevents a piledriver, but Tommy can't attack him due to the edict. HOWEVER, Billy can - so he hits the fameasser. Dreamer gets a cutter and goes to grate Robliss, but he eats a Killer bomb and that's it.

Sami, Alex Reynolds, and Willie Mack are out for the TV Title tourney finals. Not a whole heck of a lot to the match, sadly. Sami uses a bunch of chairs, and we get one real highlight with Mack locked in a Reynolds cobra hold - but he throws knees into the mix. He misses those terribly, but Sami locks an STF in and that ends that hold until Mack gets spat on and that finishes the sequence with a kick. Mack wins the title by beating Sami, and holds the title high.

NXT Takeover New Orleans

A buttrock band plays a hype video for the show. This is about on-par with the terrible WM XIV opening. NXT North American Title match starts things off. Percy says EC3's family comes from money - THEY OWN RESTAURANTS! Dain gets no reaction. Cole gets a nice pop. Dream and his porno music get a solid reaction. Lars is shot to look gigantic in his intro. Ricochet gets a massive chant the second the lights go out.

EC3 ducks out and Ricochet gets jumped. It's a big man war until EC3 talks shit, so they go for him. Ricochet hits a crazy SSP onto the pile. Cole DVDs Dream over his knee. Sitout jawbreaker by EC3 to Cole. Dain sends Lars outside and suicide dives onto him! Lars brings a ladder in and tosses it on the pile. Lars press slams Dream stomach-first on the ladder. EVERYONE TEAMS UP FOR A SUNSET BOMB!

Dain backdrops Ricochet on the ladder in the corner. Cole goes up and gets sent down by Lars. Flying elbow by Dream to the back of Ricochet. Dream sets up the flying elbow from the ladder to Lars AND IT HITS! EC3 powerbombs him off the ladder into a corner ladder, but gets dropkicked by Dain. STO by EC3 to Dain before the One Percenter hits on Lars. TK3 off the ladder! Dain hits hte SOS slam to EC3 and puts a ladder on him. The senton hits! 

Cole stops a second one, but leads to a Vader bomb with Cole on his back ala Vader/Luna at the Rumble. BIG GUYS GO TO BLOWS! World's Strongest Slam to Dian from Lars! Lars tips the ladder backwards and Ricochet moonsaults on the pile on the floor!

Ricochet hits an SSP on EC3 on the ladder! Dream prevents Ricochet from climbing and they fight over ladders. Dream slugs him and sets up a corner ladder bridge. Dream lands the pinwheel DVD sloppily - but it goes about as well as it's going to. FREAK ACCIDENT TO EC3 THROUGH DREAM ON A LADDER BRIDGE THAT BREAKS. Well, that was nuts. Then Dain hits a Greetings from Asbury Park on Cole through a ladder bridge with Ricochet on it!

Lars climbs up, but Dain stops him. EC3 clips Lars's good leg with a ladder and climbs up on one next to them. Dream adds another ladder to the row. SUPER NECKBREAKER BY RICOCHET TO DREAM OFF THE LADDER! SUPER FREAK ACCIDENT TO DAIN! RICOCHET DIVES ONTO HIM WITH A BLIND DIVE AND KNOCKS THE LADDERS DOWN! COLE TIPS IT OVER AND WINS IT! WOW. Didn't see that coming, but he's a solid pick for the champ too. Great coming out party for everyone in the match BUT Cole - so I like the story that the guy who took the least and did the least winning it.

Ember sounds like just another person in this promo video. Ember gets a live band performance of her song. HHH's obsession with mid-life crisis rock is really hurting this show. Shayna just slugs her. Ember recovers and hits a super codebreaker for 2. Moon gets a crossface and Shayna rolls out. Apron PK by Moon is countered into a facebuster by Shayna. Ember gets a wacky cradle for 2. Ember avoids the Shayna arm stomp and TRIES IT ON HER! SHAYNA EATS IT! Ember goes up but Shayna crotches her and kicks her. Shayna pops her shoulder back in by smacking it against the post. ECLIPSE TO THE FLOOR! DOUBLE-DOWN FOR 9! SHAYNA GETS THE CHOKE, but Ember attacks the arm! Shayna gets a triangle, but a Rampage bomb counter gets 2. Ember goes for the Eclipse, but Shayna counters it with the choke and HOLDS HER OWN HAIR TO BRACE IT! She gets it locked on for what seems like a decade and Moon passes out.

Dusty Rhodes classic is up, with Cole teasing he won't be there. Kyle is out wearing both tag belts while Cole has his NA Title along with rib tape. Cole gets Shield-bombs through the commentary table - so TUE are really character babyfaces fighting against all odds here. Kyle gets a front choke. AOP beats up Roddy for a while - and he makes for a great face in peril. Super collider to KOR and Dunne! High/low on KOR, but Roddy saves! Strong hits a flying corner knee and gets 2. Pete hits the bitter end, but STRONG HITS THE BITTER END ON HIM AND STRONG GIVES TUE THE BELTS and presumably joins them since it's the ex-ROH faction. Yup - he takes off Cole's armband and puts it on! This gets a giant yes chant and gives them a regular partner - so Strong gets NXT gold without actually having to win it.

Almas is out with a mask and things start off quickly with a ton of strikes. Vega sends Black into the steps! Draping armbar by Almas. Quebrada gets 2 for Black. Almas hits a corkscrew to the floor and throws him in for 2. Almas tries to use the belt, but the ref prevents that so Vega and hit a spike rana and that gets 2. BLACK MASS BUT VEGA PUTS THE FOOT ON THE ROPE! Black gets crotched on the post and ALMAS HITS THE DOUBLE STOMPS OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR before the shotgun knees get 2! Black gets shoved into the post and ALMAS HITS THE METEORA! Almas goes for the draping hammerlock DDT, but Black backdrops him! BLACK HITS A TOPE CON HIRO! HAMMERLOCK DDT HITS OUT OF NOWHERE AND IT ONLY GETS 2.9! Vega goes to attack once agin, but Black moves and Almas has to catch her - resulting in Almas eating Black Mass and BLACK WINS IT! Poetic justice is served!

Gargano is shown before the show signing a hold-harmless deal with HHH. Gargano and Ciampa's issues began with a match where they closed a Takeover - and now this chapter will end with them closing one too. Ciampa comes out to no theme and tron - but to a giant "asshole" chant. A duel "Johnny Wrestling/FUCK YOU CIAMPA" chant breaks out. Johnny actually gets a tron and theme - so the lack of it was for Ciampa and not the stip.

"THE TENSION IS PALPABLE HERE AT THE SMOOTHIE KING CENTER!" Okay, Vince hating that name is okay. Ciampa eats the slingshot spear and stomps a mudhole in him. Ciampa is sent into "an unhospitable NXT Universe". Ciampa lands a backbreaker, but eats a kick. APRON SUPERKICK TO CIAMPA! Gargano tosses him into the announcers and then gives him a super-wedgie, but Ciampa gets a nasty suplex off of it! Ciampa back suplexes Johnny onto the announce table top! Goddamn what a great match!

ANOTHER FUCK CIAMPA CHANT! Ciampa tosses him around before going into the crowd and getting a plant's crutches. Ciampa swings away, but Johnny grabs it and smacks him with the crutch! Ciampa goes for a super celtic cross - BUT JOHNNY TURNS IT INTO A SUNSET BOMB ON THE BARE FLOOR! Gargano goes for a lawndart into an exposed buckle, but Ciampa blocks it. Ciampla lands a nasty back elbow Torture rack bomb hits, but Johnny kicks out! Ciampa hits the charging knee from the DIY days, but JOHNNY KICKS OUT! CIAMPA ESCAPE IS LOCKED ON - BUT THERE'S NO ROPE BREAK! Ciampa rakes the eyes! Mauro calls him a sadistic son of a bitch for that. Ciampa unravels his tape to choke Johnny, but Johnny tapes their hands up. Big back and forth shot exchange. Ciampa's losing that, but kicks him low. Crutch shot into the powerbomb lungblower, BUT IT ONLY GETS 2.9! Johnny lawndarts him and superkicks him! DIY SUPERKICK TO THE JAW GETS 2.9!

Ciampa sets up the super celtic cross, but Johnny escapes. CIAMPA HITS A SUPER POWERBOMB LUNGBLOWER, BUT EVEN THAT ONLY GETS 2.99999! Ciampa goes for a charging knee, but Johnny smashes the brace on the knee! Johnny snaps the crutch and goes to hit him - but can't. Ciampa begs on his backside and clutches his knee looking sad. Ciampa goes to cheapshot him with the brace, but Johnny gets the Escape and then turns it into an STF WITH THE BRACE TO WIN IT. THIS MATCH RULED.

Candice comes in for a big hug."By the grace of God, this war is over!" - That may be Nigel's best call ever.

Joey Janela's Spring Break 2!

A Wrestling Arcade video package with a Streets of Rage 2 motif airs to start things off - along with a James Ellsworth video package and a PCO vs. WALTER graphic looks great. A Limp Bizkit video package airs to further this being a time warp. Nick Gage says he was in jail for seven years and he'll send his opponent to fucking hell. PENTA calls his opponent a motherfucker. David Starr talks about wrestling Mike Quackenbush and being lucky to wrestle on four continenents. David says he wants to wrestle him because he knows Mike only has a few matches left and he wants to prove himself against the man who created CHIKARA. The main event of Janela vs. Sasuke gets an epic video with Joey just staring at the mask.

Another Streets of Rage 2-inspired video airs with Virgil MAKING IT RAIN FUCK MONEY. The Nitro theme starts things off. A giant "spring break/woop woop!" chant breaks out. Eli Everfly, DJZ, Tony Deppen, Gringo Loco, KTB, and Teddy Hart - who they're shocked actually showed up and figuring what injury he'll fake tonight. Eli gets tossed to the floor while KTB rolls through for a corner toss. Deppen...jiggles his dick around for a bit before Gringo shows up behind him for spots. Eli lands a deja vu headscissor and goes for a wheelbarrow headscissor, but Gringo nips up. DJZ hits a big neckbreaker whlie airhorns go off. Teddy hits a moonsault on the pile.

Tony goes for a dive and a commentator says that he just hopes they move - but they don't. Gringo hits a double stomp off a KTB DVD, but slips a bit and falls short on the swanton to Teppen. KTB's lionsault misses. Springboard stunner hits for Gringo. Tower of Doom leads to a moonsault and a DJZ double DDT. Deppen foearms Eli, who lands a DOUBLE UNDERHOOK CANADIAN DESTROYER FROM THE TOP ROPE! Goddamn that ruled, and a star was made in a single match.

James Ellsworth comes out to face Matt Riddle, which should be a riot. A giant BRO chant breaks off when Ellsworth comes into the ring and says he loves the crowd. Riddle comes down and is just the coolest dude ever. Matt fistbumps not only the fans, but an inflatable gator. Ellsworth clips the knee and DDTs it. ELLSWORTH GETS 1! Riddle gets a deadlift gutwrench suplex! Riddle chops him, elbows the sorta-jaw and Riddle exploders him. GIANT senton hits for Riddle! Riddle goes for a kneelift, but ELLSWORTH HAS NO CHIN TO HIT! SUPERKICKS GET 2.5 FOR ELLSWORTH! Bromission gets the tap!

Virgil comes down in grey sweats and a hoodie to say words. He gets a "fuck money" chant and they bury him for wearing sweatsuits and bury him for being old and not being able to be understood with his callout. "WHO IS THIS UNINTELLIGIBLE OLD MAN TRYING TO CALL OUT!?" Virgil leaves and slaps hands with people. That gets a "what the fuck" chant while the ring announcer Tweets this craziness out. The ref for the next match seemingly gets his own entrance by pure accident. PCO lumbers out to engage in war with WALTER!

WALTER gives PCO a chance to leave and avoid this beating. WALTER GOES FOR A CHOP, but PCO blocks it. A giant PCO chant breaks out and he backs WALTER up and slaps his chest. PCO evades a wristlock with a shockingly-fast butterfly hook escape. PCO sends him out with a tackle and goes for a dive, so WALTER pounces him! WALTER CHOPS HIM! ANOTHER ONE! Chop exchange and a sitdown splash give WALTER an edge. MASSIVE chop exchange!

WALTER drops him off a nasty chop. PCO kicks the knee and lands a buzzsaw kick. He runs at him and eats a backdrop to the floor. PCO hits a left round kick and sets up a table before chopping him. WALTER slams him on the apron and chops his chest. PCO goes to powerbomb him through the table, so WALTER kicks him down, chops him, and chucks him into the steps. He sets up a chop on the post, BUT IT MISSES. PCO attacks the hand and hits the world's sloppiest and scariest moonsault off the top. WALTER powerbombs him, but there's no ref.

Another ref comes down and counts 2. PCO has a big cut on his head now. GIANT CHOP EXCHANGE LEADS TO PCO TAKING DOWN THE SHIRT AND CHOPPING AWAY. His best is black and...less black. Dude is bruised to hell and back and they JUST KEEP CHOPPING! PCO hits a discus elbow. SUICIDE DIVE BY PCO! AND THEN A FLIP DIVE! WALTER barely gets a boot up and they chop on top. SUPER RANA BY PCO!

PCO GETS 2.5! PCO goes for a slam, but can't lift him on either that or a fireman's carry lift, so WALTER just flip Germans him! SPLIT LEGGED MOONSAULT GETS 2 FOR PCO! CHOP EXCHANGE UP TOP! PCO avoids a throw off the top and chops him and lands a flipping senton off the top to win it! Holy shit this was insane - best match of the weekend by far. They stare at each other, slap hands, CHOP EACH OTHER MORE, and shake hands. This was nuts!

Nick Gage comes out looking well, like a criminal who is on a ton of drugs to face Penta. Penta's black and gold gear remains incredible. The crowd chants for Gage and he calls them all motherfuckers. They talk about how he spent seven years in jail for robbing a bank, and how they respect him for paying his debt and becoming the fucking man. Gage forearms him and they beat the piss out of each other on the floor before Penta gets a door under the ring. They point out that a table being under a ring makes sense for makeshift commentary, but doors? They're just there for folks to get thrown into. HIPTOSS THROUGH A DOOR!

DOOR TO THE HEAD OF GAGE! GAGE EATS AN ELBOW OFF THE BARRICADE ONTO A TABLE ONTO A DOOR AND THE TABLE DOESN'T BREAK! PENTA DRIVER THROUGH A DOOR WITH A CHAIR BRIDGE GETS 2. Gage powerbombs him through it and wins with a chokebreaker to retain his title.

David Starr is out to face Quack. WALTER does commentary. Quack has some nice Bret homage black and pink gear. Starr gets 2 off a quick cradle. Quack hits an inverted atomic and a stomp to the foot along with a cover gets 2. Starr hits a corner DVD and WALTER says "what the fuck, come on!" Quack eats a springboard lariat and lands nastily on the floor. Quack lands a suicide dive and goes for a second, but eats a DRAPING DDT ON THE APRON. Quack gets a judo takeover and a modified Rings of Saturn. Quack lands a superkick to the jaw, but eats a nasty discus lariant to end it. This was a blast.

The Session Moth omes out and hands out beads to the male fans who then lift their shirts up for her. Okay, that's hilarious. The commentators are boozing it up and one is stoned. Jimmy Lloyd doesn't know what to do, so he gets a lapdance and kisses her. Orange Cassidy comes down. SM hits a blockbuster DDT. Facade shows up and hits Curt Stallion with a burning hammer. He's called a Comix Zone character by one commentator - who loves him some Genesis.Grado comes out and does spots with Swoggle. KIKUTARA IS OUT and works spots with the comedy guys. THE INVISIBLE MAN COMES DOWN AND RUNS WILD ON EVERYONE. Brian Idol runs wild until Chris Dickinson comes out to Real American and smoking. He puts the cig out on Gage's face. BIG BOOT AND LEGDROP HITS GRADO! Grado is out!

 
DAN SEVERN COMES OUT TO THE ORIGINAL UFC THEME! The owner of Beyond says that if anyone ever no-shows, he'll just text Dan and he'll drive anywhere as long as it's within 10 hours. Funches ask if he's just sweating already or if he's shirt is pre-soaked. ALABAMA DOINK IS HERE. He trades shots with Devern while Funches says that the difference between Doink and Alabama Doink is Alabama Doink sleeps with his cousin. Severn chops him and dumps him out. Then Dickinson tosses him.

RSP is out followed by Marcus Crane. Crazy Boy and Aero Boy are out. They gang up on Dickinson and pin him. Rory Gulak comes out to Drew's theme and has a NO CLUSTERFUCKS sign. Nate Webb is out and slaps hands in the crowd...and on chairs in the crowd and then he goes to top of the building. One talks about having a great night out with Jeff Hardy, which is a bit distressing. Rory is taken out by the SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE driver by Nate Webb. Ethan Page is out, and lands a superkick. They bury GoFightLive for taking a decade to figure out to how stream iPPVs.

They bury generic entrance music, and MJF is out. He was trained by Hawkins and both DTU guys get taken out at once. MJF codebreakers Ethan and Webb is pinned by Page. Martina comes back and pulls a used condom out of her crotch ala Socko. CONDOM CLAW TO PAGE. MJF goes for a vaginal claw, but she breaks his hand and Page cradles her to eliminate her. Orange Cassidy cames out with some super soft-style strikes. Even Miz could tell him to lay it in a bit, and it's great.

A holy shit chant erupts from light taps. He wants a double chokeslam, but they kick his ass. He rolls through and DOUBLE ORANGE JUICE MISTS THEM. DOUBLE CHOKESLAM HITS! He's called a cumlord, and Funches is baffled by it too. Laziest headbutt off the top misses and ends it for him. THE INVISIBLE MAN KICKS ASS! DOUBLE INVISIBLE CLOTHESLINE! Jimmy Lloyd piledrivers the Invisible Man and GETS DQED! MJF and Page beat up the ref. Mikey Whipwreck is out! They bury him for not looking the same and Funches says it's the Uncle Fester version. RANA BY MIKEY! MJF elbows him and says ECW is dead. Mikey gets a low-rise jeans Whippersnapper. Nate Webb gets a face jam to take out Page. MJF counters the super-Whippersnapper and splashes him to take him out. Webb gets low-bridged and MJF seemingly wins! THE INVISIBLE MAN SCHOOLBOYS HIM AND WINS THE CLUSTERFUCK!

Joey Janela comes out with Penelope Ford and a Baby Driver jacket before slapping Frank the Clown. Things get all weird and we come back mid-ring. They brawl and Sasuke misses a swanton and misses the swanton and crunches the ladder. FUCK! Everyong goes through doors and a billion chairs are used. FLIP SENTON OFF THE TOP MISSES AND HE HITS THE CHAIR. We get some brief wrestling moves before more crazy shit. Sasuke goes for a barrel roll swanton with a trash can, but gives up and just chucks the fucker at Janella before missing a swanton off the top to the floor - and the table doesn't break. Sasuke has lost two battles against furniture so far.

MICHINOKU DRIVER ON A SIDEWAYS LADDER GETS 2. Double stomp to the chest with a chair on him to end it! Now that was a fucking crazy show and a lot of fun. This show stood out big-time last year and remains one of the biggest highlights of Mania weekend. It feels a lot like those spring break Nitros, but with no filter, no censorship of any kind, and all the rough edges that were sanded off there fully intact. They need to book one of these just for shits and giggles at a venue with an indoor pool just to keep that vibe going.