Saturday, August 5, 2023

SummerSlam 2023


The show starts off with a runthrough of Summerslam history early on and then new stuff with Kid Rock saying some stuff and setting up Logan Paul vs. Ricochet as the opener. Logan Paul is now THE MAVERICK and Cole says that YOU CANNOT FOOL THE WWE UNIVERSE. We get some flips and a posedown. They talk about the Rumble moment getting two million views and it going viral. Paul hits some body shots and I like him being presented as a physical threat due to the boxing background. 


Logan does Braun's powerslam for 2. Hogan Paul legdrop with an HBK pin gets 2. Ricochet does the Rock's spinebuster and stomps before eating a backdrop. INSIDE-OUT BUCKEYE LARIAT DONE PERFECTLY and he grabs a Prime and puts the rest on Ricochet before a crossbody/standing moonsault combo for 2. HURRI-NECKBREAKER BY RICOCHET! Ricochet lands a lot of shoulder and chest kicks to add some physicality to what he does. 

Paul hits a tornado DDT for 2. Recoil hits-ish and Ricochet goes up top for a shooting stars that hits knees and a cradle for 2. Ricochet hits the velveteen DVD into a lionsault for 2. A goon gives him knucks after the 630 misses. POWER OF THE PUNCH should be Power of the Paul. 





Brock vs. Cody is up and Brock is tan and looks to be 350. Jesus! German by Brock, Disaster kick! A second hits and a third is met with a club. Cody dives onto him but goes for a single leg and eats a gutwrench. Overhead belly to belly and then some back elbows by Cody to the gut are met with clubs. Snap suplex and a big German hit. Another giant German and Cody rolls out. Brock tells him to save himself before suplexing him more and sending him back out.


Brock sends him out with a lariat. F5 on the floor after Brock rips his shorts. Cody runs in at 9 and Brock is pissed. Another German and an F5 through the announce table and Brock just chucks him on it - no moving shit around. MOAR SUPLEXES! Cody posts the shoulder and he lands a stair shot on them! 



Disaster kick AND THE CODY CUTTER! DOUBLE JUMP CODY CUTTER GETS 2! Cody tosses the shoulder into the exposed buckle and gets a Kimura before he gets Rampage-bombed down. A TRIO OF CROSS RHODES END IT and tatter Brock's shorts beyond belief. Brock takes his gloves off and puts them down and then shakes his hand and hugs him - this feels like a finale for Brock and hey, it's 2 years after he planned to retire so cool. 


Becky WWE career retrospective sets up the Trish match...not tonight. Summerslam battle royal. LA Knight gets a full intro, then AJ kinda gets one amid a big video package for battle royals and then MVP brings out OMOS. Crews is tossed out and JD is tossed on him. The Brutes do the beats on Omos. Gable belly to belly suplexes Vinci to the floor and Exploders Rowe. Ciampa takes out the Raiders. Widow's Bell takes out Nakaura. Bronson takes out Ciampa. A billion people take out Omos. Pele takes out Kross on the apron. Knight does the Benoit-Show Rumble finish on Reed...not as the finish. Kross grabs AJ's foot and the Brogue takes him out and now it's Knight-Sheamus. The YEAH Movement. Well this is better than trying to give EVERYONE BUT DANIEL BRYAN the Yes chant. THE SHELTON JUMP-UP BELLY TO BELLY HITS TONIGHT! Knight wins it. Thank God LA Knight already shot that Slim Jim ad or that would've been awkward. 


Shayna talks about being the first person other than Ronda's mother and Travis to hold her baby - her goddaughter. They're out in this stupid facepaint for this supposed MMA match and it's not even sparring-level stuff. The Suzuki UWFI rules match was so much better than this. Cro Cop kick sends Ronda out for a powder...as you would of course do in MMA. Near-KO leads to of course, a kneebar? Is Edmund training Shayna here? HOW CAN ANY COMPANY DO FAKE MMA THIS BADLY!? This is like Friends Does UFC in the '90s or some shit. Fuck. Regalplex by Shayna and the clutch is on, Ronda turns it into an armbar, Shayna turns that into the ankle lock, Ronda turns it into the RNC and then the clutch ends it via technical submission. That was fucking awful - but they can save it in video packages.



Drew vs. Gunther is up and Drew eats a big throw into the steps and then gets chopped and Germaned. Giant splash gets 2 for Gunther. BACK AND FORTH CHOPS AND DREW WINS IT BRIEFLY and the claymore hits! 2.9! Chops up top and Drew gets knocked balls-first onto the rope before eating another splash, a burning lariat, and the powerbomb for the win. Good-to-great-ish - not next-level or even on-par with the Mania 3-way. 




THE NUMBER SEVEN REPRESENTS THE SEVEN YEAR OBSESSION THAT HAPPENED SEVEN YEARS AGO AT SUMMERSLAM. SEVEN YEARS AGO. Thanks Cole. Seth has the dumbest outfit in history on and unearths it to reveal his '16 vest and goofy pants. Lots of boring arm work on the mat. More boredom. Cole is now openly saying that they're waking the fans back up and Balor hits a barricade bomb! Slingblade, buckle bomb and the high fly flow get 2 for Seth. Finn avoids the stomp, gets a roll-through double stomp and a shotgun dropkick before the double stomp is met with a superplex but the falcon arrow is turned into a cradle for 2. Balor got all Wolverine-sliced up on his back somehow. 


Seth pedigree gets 2. Priest comes down and clocks Seth before BALOR HITS A PEDIGREE FOR 2.5! Dom and Rhea are out and Balor is pissed and the distraction results in a schoolboy into a stomp for 2.9. STOMP TO DOM ON THE FLOOR, but BALOR GETS A SLINGBLADE, SHOTGUN DROPKICK AND THE DOUBLE STOMP FOR 2.9! Priest distracts and Seth stomps Balor on the case to retain. Okay, this had some great nearfalls. Mike's Hard Lemonade ad from the Alpha Academy. 


Charlotte vs. Asuka vs. Bianca is up. Asuka kicks some ass early on. Goofy gymnFastic stuff in the corner with Charlotte. Figure four attempt to Bianca is met with an Asuka codebreaker. Moonsault off the top to the floor once again leads to an overshoot by Charlotte and a little brawl with Asuka. Doctor Bomb by Bianca to Flair before an Asuka lock and a stack gets 2. Thank God she had two targets - she hit the moonsault! Bianca backdropped to the floor and she "hits her knee" on the steps and is taken out. Superplex to Charlotte. Figure 8 but Bianca hits a desperation 450 for 2. Figure 8 to Bianca, but Asuka mists Charlotte and Bianca cradles Asuka to win it. Okay then. Iyo cashes in and wins it!



Main Event Jey shined in the Thunderdome and now he's in a sold-out Ford Field main eventing for in-canon WWE's greatest single prize in its history. Jey vs. Roman FINALLY BEGINS AT 11:35PM EST. Roman is the real 11:35PM EST of WWE. Hey hits one dive and another is met with a kendo stick. Jey kendo sticks him a bit. Somersault flip dive to Roman on the floor. Superkick and the splash gets 2.9. Walking powerbomb to chairs from Roman gets 2. Jey Samoan drops him through a table from the apron. Jey gets a giant leather strap and pummels him with it. Solo jumps his brother during a walk and brawl. I hope all those wraps are for show and Solo's knees aren't already that bad that he needs 20 layers of padding. 


They set up the spike/spear and Jey pulls Solo into the spear. Spear to Roman gets 2! Jey beats up Solo with a chair a ton to take him out. Solo and Roman argue and it leaves Roman open for a spear through the barricade! Jey splashes Solo through the announce table like Solo did to Jimmy. GIANT SPEAR TO ROMAN! Splash hits but JIMMY PULLS HIM OFF in a hoodie and stares. Superkick sets up a Roman table spear for the win and the end of the match at 12:10AM EST.















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