SD 2-7-14

Generic SD intro. Bryan came out to a huge YES chant. He then exposited about all of the storylines going on now. Cole exposited during clips, just recapping everything you were seeing on-screen. Then Kane came out to talk, and he apologized EXACTLY like he did with Punk. Bryan basically called him a pussy for apologizing. Bryan brought up Team Hell No, and Kane looked a billion years old in close-ups. Bryan is speaking FOR THE ENTIRE WWE UNIVERSE when he says he wants to get rid of Corporate Kane. I do love Kane saying he's traded in a bowel of Hell for a nice corner office. Kane said that a wise man said in this business, you can make friends, or you can make money. After a few eons, Kane made Bryan-Cesaro because they're both in the chamber. This s-l-ow-l-y ate up 13 minutes of TV time. They showed a graphic for the Chamber match, which made it seem more complicated than it needs to. ORTON CONTINUES TO RUN THE AUTHORITY GAUNTLET...so is he a face, or what? Shield came down with Ambrose taking the lead by a billion feet, it's Reigns and Ambrose teaming against Dolph and Kofi - who are now a team for whatever reason. Kofi's win over Orton sure did a world of good for him.

On Raw, CENA FACES ORTON. And Betty White will be there too - I'm not sure which of those things seems more old. Then they re-ran the exact same video again. Jobber intro for the faces. THE ARCHITECT joined them on commentary. Sadly, he didn't have any blue prints. Recap of the Raw deal with Ambrose stealing the win. Seth talked about it, and then Cole just rattled off other words without responding to anything he said. AMBROSE HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS THE LUNATIC FRINGE, and he did a little Michael Jackson shuffle to change direction for a stomp. Hearstropper elbow got 2. Power Drive elbow got 2 from Ambrose. Cole rattled off how Roman demolished three dudes at the Survivor Series, and 12 guys in the Rumble - including his other Shield brethren. Nice stun gun from Ambrose set up the flying apron dropkick from Reigns. Ad break. Kofi made a comeback and Dolph jumped around on the apron like an antsy child. Dolph tried to out-speed Masato Yoshino with a crossbody. SLOW. THE FUCK DOWN. Nine billion punches in the corner to Roman. Fameasser got countered into the Protobomb. Ambrose went for a blind tag again, but got pulled off the apron, leading to the leaping DDT for 2. Superman Punch to Dolph led to the big spear - he tagged Ambrose in for the win here. The Wyatts cut a promo on the tron - they went bugless for this, making it look even cooler. Bray cut a glorious subdued promo about the Shield trying to show their teeth, and they'll eventually see the monster behind his eyes. Sheamus-Ryback is next.

When the network launches, you'll be able to watch every WM in history...so it's a good time to sell the WM Anthology set. Ryback got a jobber intro, and they recapped their promo exchanges on the app. Ryback said that Sheamus's boots were steel-toed - AWESOME. JBL saying "Axe l ook Sheamus to the limit" doesn't do Sheamus any favors. Sheamus was a bully and kicked Axel. I love JBL correcting Cole on the proper use of action versus actions. Ryback got a big splash for 2. That should just be Big E's move, because he does it way way way better. SUPERFLY DIVE BY RYBACK missed. Looked awesome too. Tilt a whirl powerslam led to the Brogue Kick, which was countered into a powerbomb for 2. That should've been a PPV match - actually, this should've been one. Meathook was countered into the Brogue Kick for the win. THIS RULED! Cole talked about Orton being forced into this gauntlet...is it really a gauntlet? He gets plenty of time to prepare for them. The behind the neck shots of HHH in the clip of the Cole interview make it look gigantic. Cole then exposited to HHH about the Cena-Orton match being from the Staples Center on Raw this Monday...that was odd. "Before he faces Cena, ORTON HAS TO FACE AN OLD RIVAL!" - because Orton-Cena is so fresh.

Legends House hype vid - bunch of old dudes playing strippers...um, who's the target market for this? IT WILL BE A LEGENDARY SERIES. SMILIN COLE talked about the WWE Network being an incredible value! Renee welcomed her guest at this time, Alberto. She started the interview showing clips...this format is so bizarre. I left to grab a drink and missed whatever he said. Oh well - I'll just assume it involved Batista being a perro and it being Alberto's destiny to beat him. YAY CESARO-BRYAN IS NEXT! But first, Henry hype! JBL said that Bryan looked like a puppy. I loved them bringing back the Benoit bridge>monkey flip spot. Cesaro did a low-legged lift into a spinebuster...God he's awesome. Bryan locked on a short-arm scissors - possibly the first one on WWE TV in 2014. BACKLUND LIFT FROM CESARO! JBL said that Cesaro was the greatest import since the Beatles, leading to Cole saying that he's said the same thing about Alberto. Yes Lock was countered into a super-fast tilt a whirl backbreaker for an ad break. Bryan's dive was countered, then Bryan got the lead with a flying dropkick...UNTIL THE VERY EUROPEAN UPPERCUT nixed that plan. I'd have countered that particular move with a Giant Swing, but whatever - still cool. Giant Swing was teased, then turned into an iffy small package for 2 before Bryan debuted the La Mistica Yes Lock for the win! Mr. Kane then came down, so this match really didn't seem important. At least it led to Cesaro hitting the Neutralizer to Bryan. A fan held up a PHIL BROOKS sign, and another one held up a Punk 3:16 earlier. Chokeslam to Bryan. Renee interviewed Orton about what his thoughts were of facing everyone in the Chamber beforehand...I'm sure he's pleased as punch about it. Orton, the fiery babyface, vowed to defeat everyone the executives have put in front of him to try and end his title reign. AJ came down to face Nikki.

They hyped up Black History Month with a fancy video opening that wasn't on Raw, leading to the Ladd video replaying despite Cole saying it would be "the next legend". Whatever - the vid rules. The video got a nice reaction. A new Rusev video aired. THEN, after all of this, Nikki made her entrance. Brie refused to shut up on the floor, just yelling "COME ON, NIKKI! COME ON, NIKKI!" a  million times. Sleeper by AJ. SHUT UP, BRIE! Jesus. Snapmare facebuster to the knee from Nikki led to that ending thank God, only to be replaced by GOOD JOB, NIKKI! Nikki tossed AJ into Brie, which led to AJ kicking the rope into her face and winning with the Black Widow. AJ was really flexible here...PTPs breakup replay. Titus's attack had some flavor to it - all of that was lacking on Raw. This would be an okay deal if the brands were separate and he was just going to try and win the SD mid-card belt. Titus arrogantly interviewed Renee. Titus was glorious here being a cocky prick. OH, NATURE! Titus was attacked by Darren, like a coward. That part sucked - but there's something to Titus now, that sadly won't go where it could due to timing. He'd be a great B-level PPV main eventer with this act against Cena - like with the Truth push out of nowhere, but it's not going to work before Mania.

OH THANK GOD, MORE RECAPPING. At least this covered Cody's stupid cage moonsault where he did the move and then got beat. Honestly, it would've been better to just do it off the top rope and look like slightly less of an idiot. Goldust got a jobber intro against Bray. Goldust's Darth Dust paint rules. Wyatts teleported to the ring. Bray missed the corner bodyblock, but Bray did the spider walk bit before Goldust could strike - nice! Good falling headbutt from Bray to a fallen Goldust, NERVE HOLD done after that, but it fortunately didn't last too long. Corner elbow from Goldust hit nicely. JBL referenced Ozzy biting the head off a bat in Des Moines, while Cole buried it as the city where Cody was fired in September. Double A spinebuster from Goldust led to the flipping dive off the apron. It's now called Rolling Goldy. Sister Abigail hit for the win. Cody ran in to protect Goldust, and seemed a bit like Robin scampering to protect Batman. It made sense, sure, but he came off like such a dork. BAD-ASS MEN IN SWAT GEAR cut a promo on the Wyatts. Ambrose is doing a great job selling this as a big deal, and Seth was more intense than usual - citing them being taken out of a Chamber match due to them. Loved Ambrose's eyes staring a hole through Reigns when he said one of them would've become WWE World Champion. This ruled. Christian-Orton have their nine billionth match in two years next!

BUT FIRST, we get the third airing of the Orton-Cena hype video. Well, at least it's not twice in one break again.  Cole said Orton would LOVE a win tonight...why? Kofi got one and it seemed to hurt his career. Orton regained control and stomped Christian to bits. JBL said that Orton DID SOMETHING 50 YEARS IN THE MAKING by unifying the WWE and World Titles...so the World Title has the NWA World Title's lineage this week. Christian got some offense - I dug the shot of his gear matching the WM XXX sign before the crossbody for 2. Flying elbow/uppercut deal got 2. Christian's clapping actually got a big reaction, but led to a powerslam. A nice shoulder ringpost toss led to the draping DDT being teased, which led to the jumping Bossman uppercut bit. Orton punched him in the gut for the draping DDT. RKO countered into the backslide, which led to the usual leap into the RKO that has seemingly ended 99% of their matches.

Screens -

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TNA Impact 2-6-14

The most basic recap of the MVP deal aired. The show properly began with Abyss and EY brawling backstage. TAZ IS ON ASSIGNMENT...if they taped six weeks of shows with no Taz, then why keep doing that bit? Just say he couldn't fly over. Love the old chick on the ramp going FUCK YOU at Abyss. A bell rang, then A COWBELL rang. After a couple of minutes of generic brawling, Abyss got a table. More punching. A chair...Goddamn this is one generic brawl. It's like they had a match in 2K14 and said yeah, let's just do stuff we can do in the game. Earthquake splash from Abyss was met with a chair to nuts. They've got the ring miced up way too loudly - every single step in the ring sounds like a superplex. Wedgie-riffic chokeslam got 2. Christy and some chick next to Christy look bored. Tenay saying HOW SCARY Abyss is just means nothing. He had a bit of a killer vibe when he was a wacky movie monster in 2010, and even then, only a teeny-tiny bit of one. THE TACKS. Holy shit - a sunset powerbomb off the top into the tacks! Opener has tacks...whatever. Got 2. Great spot with EY on the top and hitting EY with a punch sending him to the floor and through a table - I want Show to do that. HE GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE, so it was 2. WHAT!?  Abyss brought out the budget version of Janice, leading to JB instantly asking how he got it through customs. EY took his mask off and then Abyss hit the Black Hole Slam. Abyss without the mask and in the Abyss getup looks bizarre. About 90 camera shot a boring meeting with Roode and Dixie. They bickered because he lost his match, but was promised a shot. She said if he could beat Joe tonight, he'd get the match. "HE'S BEEN EATING GUYS UP!" "Hey, I don't care about his diet!" was a great bit.

A seizure-inducing KOs ad aired. MVP came out. I hope MVP's group is called the Three Halves. They had a crowd shot that made it look like they were in there with tens of thousands of people - it was great. The half-man, half-amazing bottle-poppin mack is back! MVP talked about jail and said he learned there are consequences for your actions. He loves wrestling and is tired of seeing crazy owners ruin it. MVP said he's made a lot of money in wrestling, and then found some friends to help him...so he went to ROH's top team for money!? "Mismanagement and bad decision making have been preventing TNA from reaching its full potential!" Spud came down and MVP insulted him. Spud's "DIXIE CARTER IS ALL ABOUT MAKING STARS!" line was great - this angle has fine potential for a Youtube compilation. MVP then made Angle-Magnus tonight. Why? BULLY RAY SANG GANGSTA'S PARADISE! Bully said that the next guy he saw, would be stuffed into his casket...okay. Given that he's presently addressing the camera man, I'll give him a pass on not just beating him up

Kurt's HOF bit will be in three weeks. Sabin, in the world's most purple room, talked about Velvet. Sabin's hair looks beyond douchey. CURRY MAN RETURNED WITH A WACKY SCOTLAND HAIR PIECE!  Then Bully was a jerk and came down to beat him up. "It's not even a match!" - when are those ever on Impact? Nice delayed piledriver on Curry Man. Shame this is all leading to ANOTHER Anderson-Bully match. Wow. He was actually able to fit Curry Man in that tiny casket - I'm amazed by that. Bully actually scared a little girl doing his Stan Hansen bit on the barricade - GO BULLY! Dixie and Magnus argued. Another nine billion camera shoot here, with EC3 joining in. Spud showed off a fine Oscar Meyer spread for MVP. I'm disappointed this ad doesn't feature Austin plugging Sherri's Berries.

Well, Curry Man might've just been killed, but who cares - IT'S AUSTIN ARIES! MASSIVE Austin Aries chant here. Wow. He cut a great promo about how great he was, and then DJ Zema came out and bonked him with the case. "Cashing in" money in the bank makes sense. "Cashing in" FEAST OR FIRED makes no sense. Their most-hyped ONO PPV yet, Old School airs TOMORROW. Wow. Nice flying tornado DDT from Zema. Corner dropkick led to the brainbuster and the win for Aries. TREMENDOUS bit with a kid in a Joe shirt being all wacky. Angle-Magnus was hyped up as being next. Now logically, why wouldn't Angle-Magnus close the show?

THE HEMME STALKER ANGLE WAS RECAPPED! Then they showed Christy doing her makeup and Samuel Shaw walked up behind her all creepily. He said he likes to collect things of beauty and PERHAPS he went overboard. She shunned him, and he looked all pissed. This gimmick has something to it, which is more than "here's a guy named Sam Shaw" did. He looks creepy, this all-black getup works for him, and there's definitely a way for this to get over. I doubt this is it. Roode and Magnus argued. "I'll tap out any night of the week when the title's not on the line." - So...he really is a paper champion. I think Roode is a face now. I don't know. OH THANK THE LORD, MORE TALKING. MVP, Dixie, and Spud talked backstage. Dixie bragged about taking TNA from a small-time thing to A GLOBAL ENTERTAINMENT EMPIRE! Dixie is dominating a promo with MVP in it. No. The acting of both Dixie and MVP here is terrible. They talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked, then MVP finally left and showed off the lighting rig for the set. Angle didn't even get promo time before this match with the world champ and yet we got nine years of Dixie talking. Kurt...attempted to move in a way that human beings are known to do.

Astonishingly, the match actually began without tons of talking backstage. JB announced a return to the UK in 2015 - well, they've at least got some planning going on. Rolling Germans 2 minutes in. This feels like a video game match with specials turned on to start it. Straps are down, ankle lock 4 minutes in. EC3 clipped the knee. Dropkick to the knee. Chair to the knee. I've finally figured out what's hurting EC3 - he looks like The Model with this purple getup. Then he did a really shitty kneebar. Nice little bit with EC3 watching from a chair he used to mangle Kurt. In the closeup, EC3 looked a lot like Gino Hernandez.

TNA's hour one main event gets a sex toy ad. Tremendous. They recapped the EC3 attack - at least they're putting this over as a big deal. Joe met with Angle on a stretcher. For whatever reason, he was sweaty. Or maybe he just got out of the shower - that would explain him not helping and being all wet. He name-dropped ROH star AJ Styles, Sting, and Jeff Hardy. He was crazy intense here. Monster's Ball recap. EY said some words. Sabin douchebag recap - complete with wacky webcam vid. Sabin talked in that room about he and Velvet having their first kiss here. VELVET WAS AMAZED BY CAMERAS BEING HERE. Wow.

Old School PPV ad. Roode vs. Storm, from 2012, is now OLD SCHOOL! Wow. Sabin and Velvet talked. Sabin's hair in pink silhouette is hilarious. Sabin teased a proposal. WHY IS SHE HAPPY THAT THIS ASSHOLE WOULD WANT TO GET MARRIED!? Then he showed that the case had no ring in it. HA! Then he did the whole months-long Mero-Sable deal in about nine seconds. Remember the months long build to Mero-Sable? Yeah well, we're getting 90% of that angle in two minutes here and finishing it next week. This was awful, and it required Velvet to act. Yikes. Recap of the MVP-Dixie stuff led to a recap of Joe becoming the top contender. Well, at least their filler highlight videos ares used to make the current programs seem like a bigger deal. Bobby and his Highspots long vest came down. Joe came down, and then they went to break for another Adam and Eve and KOs ad.

I could really see Roode as the Chief Morley to HHH's Eric Bischoff right now. Shame he's stuck in TNA, although he's at least a main event act you can always wonder "what might have been" if he'd gone over at the right time. Nice dropkick from Roode to Joe when he was on the apron. Roode Awakening got 2. Great running Yakuza kick>senton from Joe. I wish he'd take some time off so he could get in better shape. As it is, I'm amazed he can do what he can still do. Oh yeah, the MVP-Dixie is coming. I completely forgot about THE SUMMIT! Nice chop handprint on the chest of Joe. Running Northern lariat got 2. ST-Joe in the corner. I'm digging this match a ton. Muscle buster and the choke get the win. I really dug that match - I feel like having it in FPR after the show.


Dixie booking herself to be the hottest thing ever seen by the 20-something Spud is hilarious, although she does look kinda hot in these tight pants. Then she just kept talking and talking about shit."Dixie, your mismanagement has brought this company to its knees". Tremendous. That was great, this whole bit sucked though and took up way too much time.

Screens -

 

http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/ug5b2nwv09v8bwouolmz4i3fwls557t0

Raw 2-3-14

Looking forward to tonight's tag title cage match a lot, and wondering if they'll even address the Punk deal. Oh thank God - Raw begins with Orton saying words. Cole explained that Orton isn't happy because he'll have to compete in the Chamber against 5 guys. THANK YOU FOR THE EXPOSITION, COLE! Orton then exposited about stuff. He said he won the title through hard work and dominance - Orton for BDSM Champion. Now I want Barrett to win to get revenge on Orton for saying "bad news." More words. ORTON IS JUST. PLAIN BETTER THAN YOU, DAVE! Orton called himself the main attraction for Raw, leading to HHH coming out. Steph and Hunter then talked down to him like they always do. HHH pointing out that everything's the same every week doesn't do jack shit to solve the problem. Steph said that over the next few weeks, Orton will face everyone he's facing in the Chamber match. Tonight's match is...Daniel Bryan. HHH then did the YES chant. Wow. Cole alerted the Universe that before PPVs, they have things called PPV Kickoffs, where the Outlaws won the titles. The cage match isn't escape rules, just pin or submission. Shield 6-man is up with no hype or clue as to who they're facing. They came down so clips of HHH dressing them down on SD could air. All of this crap somehow only took up 12 minutes of TV time. Sirens looks absolutely terrible. YAY REY'S IN THIS MATCH! Also, Kofi and Big E are in it too. Cole said that Ambrose held the title for 264 days, and then JBL buried the stat since he never defends it. Seth's the architect and Dean's the lunatic fringe... Giant leaping knee from Seth missed and Rey came in to be awesome. Roman's got an olive green shirt on, and they went to a break with him going after Rey.

Roman's giant apron dropkick was an app exclusive. THERE'S A REASON 10 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE DOWNLOADED THE APP! Yup, they downloaded it, deleted it, then reinstalled when something exciting was announced for it. Rey's Halloween gear rules. MASSIVE bodyblock from Big E, he just steamrolled Roman. Big German suplex and an ultimate splash gets 2. Reigns looks so badass with some blood on him. Great stuff with Big E just going nuts. Reigns hit the superman punch showing a bloody eye, then Ambrose did a blind tag and won with the headlock driver. A Best in the World sign was on the hard camera. Bray cut an awesome promo about being the king, with Harper saying he's always been king, and Rowan saying RUN!

Bad News Barrett delivered some BAD NEWS about the Super Bowl, and then King insulted and said he could be gone next week. Why? The app recap happened, and they talked about how big the value was for the WWE Network. IT WOULD NORMALLY COST YOU $675 for all the PPVS, BUT NOW IT'S ONLY $120! This countdown idea sucks for a DVD, let alone a regular show. They hyped up WHO WOULD BATISTA FACE at WM. Well, presently, Orton - duh. Christian and his super-faded red and yellow gear came out for a match with someone. Maybe it'll be Swagger so they can be 50/50. Chrisley Knows Best also seems horrible. Yup, it's Swagger. I hope a fifty-fifty chant breaks out. GATOR ROLL from Swagger. Nice face on the apron bump from Christian when Swagger countered a kick. JBL said Cole was stirring the pot. How dare Cole try to stir the pot - that's there for Jack to smoke! They talked about Christian being the underdog "in this match". Thank God it was clarified that he meant the chamber, because I don't get how Christian is an underdog in a rematch he won before. Nice flip from Christian into the reverse DDT. Because after a cool flip like that...you'd of course not go for your finisher from the exact same position. Swagger bomb countered into knees and the blind sunset flip for the win. Wow - Christian is definitively better than Swagger - nice! And this meant so much they showed Outlaws-Rhodes hype. Cage match is up next. Road Dogg came out and talked like a face again. The constant burial of Billy is a bit much.

NEXT WEEK, BETTY WHITE IS THE GUEST HOST! Wow, they're really getting in on the tail end of the Betty White train. Big main event intro for this - Cody's got his arm bandaged. I love that Cody at least attempts to go for injury continuity. Billy took his shirt off - looks like Billy Gunn. Other than the love handles, Billy looks amazing for his age. MASSIVE CM Punk chant broke out. This is indeed a match with moves in it. ALBERTO DEL RIO WILL NOT STAND FOR HATE! This would've been a great PSA when he was a face. I guess this will be a cage match so Cody can do a moonsault off of it. Blind second rope back elbow from Goldust to Billy. Big boot from Billy to Goldust. Shake, rattle, and roll punches were countered into a Double A spinebuster. Buncha stuff happened. Goldust was rammed into the cage hard and I'm sure he said OH SHIT. Disaster kick got a 2.99999. Cage moonsault missed Road Dogg completely, and then the fameasser hit.  Goddamn that sucked for Cody. Awesome chamber hype vid had some crazy angles from old matches. KFC commercial to hype up the Woods and Truth tag match.

Ryder's in the ring while an epic Roman-sounding theme hits. It's for Titus. Odd-sounding for him - I thought it would be for Rusev. Ryder's got super-jobberiffic gear on tonight, split with one leg a different color. The fuck, the Miz is just rambling on about shit. Oh thank Christ, now we get a 3-way Miz-Ryder-Titus feud. Ryder looks like a damn CAW with this gear and haircut. Nice double backbreaker>sack of shit toss from Titus before winning with the Clash of the Titus. So... he went from being in a major tag team to...being a singles act and beating Ryder in a match where Miz stole their thunder. THE FRITOS GO...ON THE SUB!? WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THIS!?

Fandango came out and Cole talked about him being in a BIG COMPETITION! THE BIG COMPETITION. Which is what? Since it's black history month, they're putting over black stars in wrestling. YAY ERNIE LADD! Shitty legdrop, but man, Rusev should steal that double bearhug. THIS VIDEO RULED. This was a pleasant surprise. And the Fandango thing is a dance off. No. It's against Santino. JBL gave his gym a plug. Santino said the dance-off should have Summer AND A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE! YAY IT'S EMMA! Summer's ass was shown off nicely. Emma's dance got NO reaction, but her ass looked great in her pants.

Sheamus came out for a match and Cole put over the graphic for the app being downloaded OVER TEN MILLION TIMES! Sheamus faces the Perfect Jobber here. Cole talked about how great it is that Sheamus smiles in the ring. I'm just so gosh-darned happy that this ass-kicker SMILES in the ring. Great backdrop counter kick to the shoulder from Axel. Yet another "this is a bunch of moves" match, at least this one has a story with the arm though. Armbars gave the crowd openings for CM Punk chants. You can say he loves to fight and give him the Finlay roll, but that sure as shit don't make him Finlay. Brogue Kick got the win. A heelish HBK video hyped up his next DVD - I love the logoless shots of epic shots they show to hype these up. Batista's out NEXT in douche getup.

A clip of Psych aired...why would anyone watch this? BOO-TISTA came out. Alberto wearing a T-shirt under his velvet jacket just looks cheap.  Oh, and he's got jeans on. Wonderful. They talked over each other. Oh boy, this is going great already... And they're making sure to show off the grey in both men's facial hair. Both of them are in too-tight shirts and jeans. And then they teased stuff, and did less than they did before. This was like a feud going in reverse order. This segment feels more like what Batista's return would've logically been, instead of having Batista kick his ass then, and now say he has no idea why Alberto hates him and has no issue with him. Batista's got grey chest hair too. Wow. A BOOTISTA SIGN MADE AIR. YAY. Wyatts tag is up. They talked about Dolph's promo, but didn't show it. Truth sang. Some really white dudes dance to it.

MARK HENRY RETURNS NEXT WEEK! Nice grounded rabbit lariat from Truth leading to a legdrop. Nice stuff with Dolph and Harper. Bray tagged in and took him out with Sister Abigail. Nice BOOWHHOOOHOOO bit from Ambrose burying the Wyatt stuff. "Gotta risk it to get the biscuit." So USA is now TLC. RUSEV SMASH! Divas match with Aksana and Naomi is happening. AJ is now minus an ass. How sad. She's good on commentary though. Naomi did the Bubba bomb with a rolling cradle - nice touch. AJ said she lost to Naomi due to being distracted by glitter and estrogen. Cole buried AJ saying that she could reach Moolah's record of 27 years. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S NOT 27. They talked about Mr. Belding and a Twitter crawl rolled with someone saying the Wyatts are "creepy AF". Naomi's rampant ass-shaking ruled. Bad kneedrop should've gotten a count, but didn't. NASTY knee too. An is creative hiring sign made air, and then Naomi won with the RVD split-legged moonsault.

Orton came out for his match with Bryan while he got buried for whining. He faces Christian on SD.
"Orton doesn't just have to go into the chamber, HE HAS TO FACE ALL OF HIS OPPONENTS BEFOREHAND!" - so the poor heel needs to valiantly triumph over the odds to retain his title. Nice Muta leglock from Bryan and then it got turned into both a backbreaker and a cradle. Bryan rules. Celtic Knot from Bryan. Bryan didn't use kicks until Orton was on the floor - so he kicked his legs on the barricade! Then Bryan tossed him onto Cole. YES! Their TV matches always wind up being better than the PPV ones, except for maybe an SD one a couple of months ago - it's bizarre. CAN THE CALGARY CRAB DEFEAT THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!? It's so odd for the face announcers to not talk about how the heel deserves facing all of these guys based on what he's done.

Kicks got countered into an iffy exploder. King said that Orton compared the Yes Movement to other movements that need to be flushed. Love seeing all the finger and arm stomping from Orton here. ORTON COULD INJURE EVERYONE LEADING INTO THE CHAMBER! Finally, an angle to this story that makes sense. I like the ECW-style ROH shirt being worn by a guy next to the Best in the World sign dude. YES Lock was put on, but Orton got to the ropes. This match is so awesome. ORTON COUNTERED THE CHAIN OF DROPKICKS WITH A DROPKICK! Draping DDT hits! Diving headbutt hits after an RKO counter for 2! A Vanilla Midget sign made air in 2014. Mr. Kane came down and was taken out by Bryan. BRYAN HIT THE RUNNING KNEE FOR THE WIN! Wow! And since this didn't happen on the Raw before the PPV, it seems like he actually has a chance to win the title! Kane and Orton ganged up on him. Chokeslam to Bryan. The crowd wanted Cena, and got no one. Roman would've been a good choice to make a save, although that's probably better to do when the face turn is further in motion. For some reason, Kane interfering means Bryan can't be the face of WWE.

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SD 1-31-14

Bryan-heavy recap of Raw opens things up. Cesaro-Ziggler starts the show. I love Zeb using signs - Dutch was great with them back in SMW too. I love that he prefers aliens from  Mars. Love JBL burying Miz for bringing his parents to Raw since it always leads to bad things. Maybe Barrett will bring that up at some point. This a Chamber qualifier, which makes Dolph seems like he's on the ascent a bit. Nice positioning on the camel clutch from Cesaro - it looks super-tight and hard to escape from. THE CESARO LIFT RETURNS. LOLed a bit when Cole said "BOTH COULD GO INTO THE CHAMBER!" since Swagger's in another qualifier. Big DDT counter for the Very European Uppercut. Dolph going limp for the swing ruled. Neutralizer gets the win! YAY GO TONI! Reigns highlight reel starts off the Shield cutting a promo. Loved Ambrose being a complete dick to Reigns, who stood up for himself. Seth playing peacemaker is amusing. Great stuff with them challenging the Wyatts for costing them a shot at the title. HHH came out and played corporate stooge demanding that they let it go - Reigns wasn't having any of that shit and demanded he make the match against the Wyatts. Nice RO-MAN chant here.

Fandango faces Xavier. Xavier's got black, red, and white gear now. Loved JBL saying that he hasn't seen Torito since Xavier wore the jacket - he could've skinned him! Xavier and Fandango did some moves until a wheelbarrow spot that Xavier turned into a facebuster. Thank God Fandango happened to pick him up in that exact position or his plan wouldn't have worked. Nice Falcon Arrow from Fandango after he crotched Xavier on the top - good finisher. It's different, and less dangerous than the flying legdrop. Suplex>stunner from Truth ensures that Fandango's win meant nothing. Rybaxel faced the PTPs. Titus never tagged in and the hangman's facebuster won. DY's mouth got busted open. DY said they were like family, and Titus said nah - he's been dragged down. He's now known as a loser. Titus said he's getting rid of DY's dead weight Big boot took him out. This is a good push for TON, but coming at the wrong time. This would be perfect as a B-show main event push for like Payback or something like that. Right now, he has nowhere to go on top of the card, or even in the mid-card. He isn't even going to be IC Champ, and the U.S. Title is above him at this point as well. Now if the world title was separate, I think it would be a good time to push him for that. Jake HOF vid replay.

ALEXANDER RUSEV cut a promo looking beyond wide. He fills up the screen, and his chick is cute. Christian's big return was unannounced, got no promo time, and he's just facing Swagger. Well, at least their match at Backlash '09 ruled - hard to believe that was nearly five years ago. It doesn't feel like Christian's been back in WWE for that long. Cole asked why Zeb would slap Swagger, so JBL told him to ask him since he's RIGHT THERE. Zeb joined them. Zeb said he had to inspire him. This match BEGAN WITH A PRESS SLAM FROM THE RING OVER THE RINGPOST AND TO THE FLOOR. Holy shit. Cole brought up Swagger winning last year's Chamber and getting a world title shot at WM. Boy does that feel like it was ages ago. Doctor bomb with a pin combo got 2. Ankle lock was countered into a shitty cradle for 2. Cole said this would be Christian's first chamber match, which seems odd since he's been around for eons and seems like he's done every gimmick match. Frog splash got the win. Christian talked with Renee about being THE MOST DANGEROUS CHRISTIAN ANYONE'S EVER SEEN! Tremendous.

Kofi Rumble recap. He's facing Sandow, who got no highlights, so he's losing. SOS got the win. Brock recap from Raw. HHH said that the Rhodes Bros. get their tag title rematch, fair and square, in a cage. Cody's at least bandaged up, but if an attack from BROCK can't take out Cody Rhodes for one show, why bother doing it? Road Dogg came down and introduced Billy as the BAD ONE, eh, not a bad way to PG Bad Ass...which he then called him anyway. Big Suck It sign was on air. What an odd PG era this is. Goldust and Billy brawled on the floor. Road Dogg went for the VINTAGE DISTRACTION FINISH SCHOOLBOY, but only got 2. Disaster Kick got 3. Brawl at the end between them. Wyatt promo time. Harper saying things is even creepier than Bray. Bray at least seems to have the capacity to be civil. Harper seems like the kind of dude you don't want to run into - ever! Rowan saying RUN! ruled. Shield's out for the main event 6 man.

Shield-Wyatts graphic was put up - sadly, no War Games-style chamber yet. "WWE FANS HAVE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANTED - DANIEL BRYAN WILL COMPETE FOR THE WWE TITLE!". Amazing line. Nice brawling with Reigns and Sheamus. Their styles mesh well together. Ambrose's frantic corner blows and headbutts are nice. TREMENDOUS bump from Rollins off the knee to the gut from Bryan. Dude just did a wacky flip, it ruled. JBL said Bryan's like the Missing Link, Dewey Robertson...only not in anyway. Seth and Rey work well together. Blind tag to Ambrose led to him countering a headscissors with a facebuster perfectly. Reigns was a great bully to him. I love that toss under the ropes to the floor - makes whoever faces Rey seem like a beast. JBL buried Cole for calling Seth the architect. It didn't help that he then said he was like an air traffic controller too. Sheamus had his shoulder bonked into the post, but still kicked Ambrose's head off anyway. First 619 led to a Bryan knee to Seth, while the second led to Rey getting the hell speared out of him and pinned. Really fun match.

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TNA Impact 1-30-14

THE SECRET INVESTOR IS FINALLY REVEALED! After 2 whole weeks. The show-opening video opens with no audio. A terrible-sounding Tenay VO aired for a Sting farewell video. JB and Tenay are just yelling and can barely be heard, while Angle argues with Spud, EC3, and Magnus. Spud has a bright blue blazer and a black and white polka-dotted pair of slacks. EC3's got a white blazer, a white belt, blue pants, and a bright red shirt. Magnus can barely be heard on the mic. The audio is just awful here. I do love how packed the arena looks - it at least APPEARS to be major league, although it's got ECW-level audio. I like EC3's little American flag pin on his blazer. Magnus referred to the company shedding 80% of its roster as a thinning of the herd. I love that Magnus's character is thoroughly based on his Fighting Spirit columns.  Magnus took all credit for taking Hardy, Sting, and AJ out. Then EC3 bitched at him, barely audible, and then Joe and Angle came down. More words that can barely be heard. Magnus made a tag match with himself and EC3 against them. HUGE Ethan chant here. Oh good. The main event isn't just made in the opening segment, BUT IT GETS TWO SETS OF STIPS! Dixie came down and asked Joe if he could hear her. No, we can't - no one can hear anyone! Then she said "cut the music" with none playing. I can't believe they didn't edit that out. Fans with ICW shirts on chanted PAPER CHAMPION, then a TNA FEARS ICW chant made air. Good God, that was 15 minutes of talking that could barely be heard. OH NO, JOE'S KIDNAPPING VAN IS BACK!

The Wolves got out of the mini-van at least looking like stars in black suits. Gail and Tapa got jobber intros against Velvet and Madison. They recapped their history at the BPs...Oh yeah, Madison was a BP. And a blonde. Velvet's blue velvet gear is quite hot. Velvet's ass is looking great in this gear. And they won in like 2 minutes with In Yo Face. Nice doggy style post-match pose. Sabin came out looking like he's been homeless for a month, which is a fine look for him. Velvet broke up, then yelled "I'M VELVET!" - so Velvet knows her name. Good for her.  Angle ran into Roode's dressing room and attacked him. They came back and Angle yelled about Roode costing guys their jobs. Thank you Kurt, for loudly yelling exposition! And then Joe threatened to murder him on TV. They showed a main event graphic for .01 seconds before Storm came out. Russo has to be back. Storm's out in his T-shirt. Must mean he's ready for a TNA World Title shot tonight!

Storm said that he and Gunner were friends before TNA...well, that would've been nice to know before. When they were a team. "To be remembered" - the words of Gunner Manchild. More talking. A fat, balding old guy is texting instead of paying attention. Oh, and Storm wants finality for a feud THAT ENDED! Gunner talked about his son, Storm's kids, and how you'd do anything for them. He said he told Storm dark things - how he got the name Gunner, and how he sacrificed everything. There are some compelling threads in this story, but they're not forming whole cloth with this execution. Gunner is fantastic here. Storm's putting him over, and the crowd's going crazy for all of this. This would be a great team-forming promo. This is getting way more of a reaction than I expected - it's definitely delivering the goods. It's a great promo to form a team. Shame it's happening after they've been a team, been tag champs, had a feud, and blown it off. Bad Influence came down and said he should put the case on the line. YAY, MORE STIPS IN RANDOM TAG MATCHES! Good lord, this fucking show...

Sherrie's Berries ad! Steve Austin's podcast and TNA Impact now share advertisers. Coming soon - Alpha Brain! Shame the Alpha Male isn't around. I hope Bad Influence wins the case and puts it on the line in a game of Tic Tac Toe. Musical chairs would be amusing too, but I doubt TNA's got the budget for that many chairs.  They hyped up Brooke being on the TNA chat. Unless she's doing a webcam Skype chat, no thanks. Tenay hyped up that THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME JOE AND ANGLE ARE ON IMPACT. So of course you'd build this match up over the course of two whole hours. Nice slingshot suplex from Gunner. SUPERFLY HEADBUTT gets the win. Gorgeous finisher there. Dixie said some words to Spud about finding out who the investor was. About half of this could be heard.

Joe got a history vid, while Sting didn't. Then Roode met with Dixie. He wouldn't take her money, and how has scruples for some reason. ODB met with EY. She looks a bit old now. EY's ready to team with the monster, and Spud's ON THE CASE!  "Is everyone in the building ready!?" made air before Tenay ran down the main event setup. Why on Earth can't the Impact Wrestling text on the video wall move? It's like they just used a screenshot of a screensaver. Spud called Scotland the England B-team and got a TON of heat. The Wolves's theme is pretty good. Generic, but it's got some punch to it. They kept their names too, and I don't mind "American" being taken from the moniker. "Nice of you to be in your dad's best suits. Very 2005. I've been in the US for a year now. I've seen the cop shows. I'VE WATCHED MAGNUM TA! Who's the investor!" Spud rules. Alarm Clock put Spud to sleep. YIKES! Didn't need these angles of Spud in tight pants. If anyone interferes in the main event, they'll be fired. I love that being an odd thing. EY-Park history vid. @theRealAbyss. So it really shouldn't have been hard to find him.They showed the X Title for the Tag Title match. DJ Zema was fantastic, then the Bro Mans came out and were wacky. I would so buy that shirt if it did the boom bit. And then an Adam and Eve ad aired with a ton of bleeping.

Tag title match had moves. Heels were great foils here. Ion's gear has five billion colors in it. Abyss threatened a Shock Treatment on the ref. He did it, so they lost. Then he chokeslammed EY. This was a thing. Tenay talked about Abyss giving up the tag titles. THE MONSTER shockingly didn't care about being tag champs. Abyss sniveled on the ramp, and then EY made a monster's ball match for next week. EY is the best part of this deal.  Tenay said "Casket. ROLLING!? TOWARDS! THE RING!?" when Bully rolled one backstage. Samuel Shaw and Christy had a date with some wacky music playing and security camera footage of his room, and his Christy shrine. Bully's got a small casket. It must be representative of all the money TNA's made. Thank God Bully's traded in his fake Harley hoodie for a Motorhead one, and is back to actually cutting promos. Bully said that the crowd loved Mr. Anderson - well, heels are supposed to lie, but that's a bit much. WHY DOES BULLY WANT A REMATCH!? HE DEMOLISHED KEN IN THE LAST ONE!? Bully wants a casket match. Ken and Bully exchanged words. Recurring theme tonight. THIS FEUD SUCKS! Bully wants to piledrive Bully's wife, and not with the move. Then Ken hit him with a chair a few times. Whatever.

Then the world's wackiest video package aired for Angle. He's a cyborg, and they made this clear with 6th grade CGI. My God. And then EC3 and Magnus bickered. YET ANOTHER ADAM AND EVE AD. Enter Spice23 to save 50% on dildos, get 3 DVDs, and get free shipping! The video quality on this ad was shockiingly low. "THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MATCH CAN'T BE OVERSTATED." Sure can't - it's for a shot at a title recently held in a Dixieland match, and defended in non-stop handicap matches. Angle's got his left knee all braced up, and he took a nasty corner charge in the corner where he bumped to the apron. THE INVESTOR came out the limo-van, but only had his shoes revealed because the Wolves threatened the camera guy. At least they had a reason for that shot. Oh, and there's this match going on with world title implications. Nice running diving lariat from EC3 to Kurt. JB said WE SAW HIS FEET! So Snitsky must be glued to the screen. OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY ON THE FLOOR from Kurt, who at least took the bump on his stomach. Choke on Magnus. And just like that, he tapped. Wow. This was nothing. In theory, I should be hyped about Joe being #1 contender, but he won in a nothing match that was overshadowed by THE INVESTOR! They shouldn't have showed the set - ROH's on its worst day looks better. I love Spud covering Magnus's ears from the "you tapped out" chant. It's 11 and there's still no investor. Angle said HE'S BACK. When did he leave? And Angle's going on the hall soon too. MVP looks like a motherfucking star and has one of the rare main event-level themes in the company.


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Raw 1-27-14

Show starts with a Rumble recap focusing on the title match. It just went to the Wyatts and RKO. LOL @ Cena's bored expression in the RKO. WE'RE ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA! Gotta get out the shovels to carve that path out! Brock-Show recap screens. Poor Brock Lizzy as Cole called him. Nice OH MY BALLS sign. Steph got a YES chant leading to HHH making a tremendous booboo face. #hhhoneyboobooface Steph announced a chamber match for the WWE World Title...so that Rumble win sure meant a ton. Bryan came out and snarkily asked for them to ABSOLUTELY NOT CHANT YES or Daniel Bryan. The Authority are heels in this segment. Buncha words back and forth. Bryan wants in the Chamber because HE WANTS TO GET WHAT HE WANTS. Whiner. Reigns, take your talents to South Beach. SUBWAY EAT FRESH. Rude, Owen, Savage=HOFers...some signs tonight. Shield came down to attack Bryan, leading to Sheamus in his Halloween getup to help him. Sheamus picked the wrong season to dress in Halloween colors. Cena came down to help them out. HOLLA HOLLA 6-MAN! Yup, and it'll be for Chamber spots. Rey and Cara are out to face the Real Americans. Hunicara's got a slightly different Twitter handle than the real one. Rey is in his red and gold Iron Man gear, while Sin Cara's got gold and red. Zeb talked shit to Swagger, then slapped him. Swagger looked nine million feet tall there with Zeb. Rey and Cesaro were glorious together. TREMENDOUS bit with the 619>senton combo missing, so Cesaro hitting a European uppercut off a springboard whatever from Cara and hit the Neutralizer!

I love that #BNB is part of the Wolfpac. He has some BAD NEWS. The Miz faces Dolph. All of this to build up THE MIZ vs. Barrett. He is so great at this go-nowhere role. Network preview for the Monday Night War. WWE has done a marvelous job of optimizing this footage for HD. LOTS of Sting in this stuff. Fandango's out, seemingly for a match with Torito. Nope. Truth. They had a tremendous WM hype vid with jazz music and highlights. Emma did her wacky dance in a Partridge Family bus dress. JBL knocked Xavier's "genuine pleather" jacket. Xavier put over his PHD working with autistic kids, which JBL put him over for huge. Xavier's shining fairly brightly here just talking about how smart he is - it's not quite as good as those pieces TNA did on him with his friends and family, but still good. They did move and Truth hit Lil Jimmy for the win. Orton's out to cut a promo next!

The Raw GM appeared to be a ring announcer, after getting his own ring introduction. Orton said words, bitched, and then Batista came out in jeans, a purple shirt, a green jacket, and a grey hoodie underneath it. Batista said stuff, and then got DANIEL BRYAN'd. Big Dave is now just yelling a lot. YAY, THE BRINGER OF DOOM BROCK CAME DOWN! Heyman demanded that Brock get his shot instead of Batista. Batista and his nose ring didn't look amused. Seems like they'll do Batista-Brock at Chamber. Dolph's 69 Show Off jersey isn't very PG. THE BATTLE OF CLEVELAND got a main event intro. Miz climbs the ropes really weirdly. So Miz's reverse DDT/backbreaker thing somehow helped Dolph. Miz got the figure four. Terrible small package exchange and the Zig Zag got the win. Great image of Goldust - his scaly gear rules!

Rybaxel faced the Usos. Rybaxel should be renamed Crowd Death. The Usos' fancier floral gear looks less awesome than their indy-riffic pleather getup. Cole informed us that the Royal Rumble panel included past Royal Rumble winners, and included Duggan because he was a former Rumble winner...Perfect flip bump from Axel off the rope kick. Usos beat Ryback. Remember the Ryback push? And the Usos push? And the Axel push? I liked the blind tags and superkicks, but this was just a treadmill match. Next HOF inductee gets announced later. I would so love it to be Sting. OH THANK GOD THE MEGASTARS CONTINUE. IT'S KOFI! They replayed his Rumble spot before Alberto came down. Boy did he not shine at all in the Rumble. And then he cut a promo on Batista, so that'll either be at EC or just some random Raw. Kofi's Joker gear rules - I feel like making it in FPR. Crowd is Megadead for this match. Kofi hit the big D-Bryan dive to 1/100th of the reaction. Alberto's silver, black, and gold gear returns and is quite great. Giant JBL chant broke out, leading to ADR getting pissed. Big JERRY chant while they teased a superplex to the floor. It's so stupid to take a bump off the top in such a nothing match. King got up and thanked the crowd since he's from Cleveland and hey, no one cares about the match anyway. They came back and a Sting-Taker sign made air. Cole said that ALL MATCHES WERE IMPORTANT to build momentum. Boy was that ever a Verne Gagne strawman argument for a match being important. Reminds me of Verne saying he doesn't understand why the fans are chanting boring - he's loving all the mat action! SOS hits, and they reminded us that it was what he used to beat Orton. COMPLETELY forgot he beat Orton two weeks ago. Armbar missed, countered into the kick, which was countered into the Back Stabber for 2. Crazy video game bump for that from Kofi. Grounded superkick won for Alberto. SEE, THIS WAS IMPORTANT BECAUSE HE BEAT KOFI, WHO BEAT ORTON, SO THAT MEANS HE CAN BEAT ORTON! 2K14 hype. THE HOTTEST VIDEO GAME IN THE WORLD TODAY! VINTAGE "THE MAJOR LEAGUE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!" Brock actually faces Batista or Orton later tonight. Brock's actually got a graphic for a match on Raw. With no hype. Wow.

Silver and black trunks, GREEN AND BLACK VEST. Nasty color combo, Cody. Goddamn, the penny belts look good on the Outlaws!  Total face promo from Dogg and he referenced Selena Gomez! So...are the Outlaws heels or what? Billy looks shockingly great for 51. Billy working in a shirt is weird. Nice diving bionic elbow from Cody onto Road Dogg's elbow. Road Dogg is better in 2014 than he was at any point in TNA...maybe outside of the original 3LK skits. Road Dogg is so great stalling here. Good lord, I just got the best wacky cheesy local ad ever for Bob's Furniture - THE OFFICIAL FURNITURE SUPPLIER OF THE REDSKINS. They appear to have gotten CGI done via Fiverr. Cody yelled SUCK IT to Billy after the low-ish high knee. THEN BROCK CAME DOWN AND KILLED DUDES! Brock didn't get what he wanted, so he beat the hell out of the Rhodes Bros. with a chair after some F5s. They showed the mangled chair afterwards. This ruled.

8 divas tag. Digging Brie's white and black gear. It's got pinstripes. Aksana's in her new bootyriffic gear. Nikki's gear shows more skin, but Aksana's got a better ass. Flying snapmares from Nikki look terrible. AJ's wrestling with a hat on her hip. Aksana hit by far the worst elbow drop of the decade on Nikki. Naomi's got the shiniest lipstick and outfit ever. TRIPLE SUPLEX spot. Naomi won with the Rear View. The next HOF inductee is next. With King doing this statement, I hope it's Lance Russell. Yeah, I know it won't be, but they should be doing SOMETHING together in the HOF. YAY IT'S JAKE! The video was just promos, the snake, and DDTs. GREAT STUFF. WM Rewind show hype for the Network - that looks quite awesome, and the WWE Network bug looks okay although I hope they just shorten it to the basic WWE one with the Network styling. They hyped up Sheamus coming back tonight. Faces are out. No Punk or Wyatts on the show...so far. Cole talked about the Yes Movement. I can't wait for next week's Raw where HHH compares the Yes Movement to a bowel movement. I hope this match leads to the Shield vs. the Wyatts not only at EC, but in the Chamber so they can do a pseudo-War Games ala the WWE games. CHRISTIAN GETS A HYPE VID!? He's returning...on SD. Ouch.

Cena looks absolutely ridiculous with bright green arm bands and wrist bands, a bright blue belt, and bright purple boxers. It would appear his shoes are also purple with neon green trim. So he's also going for a Joker motif. Great ROMAN REIGNS chant when he got in there with Cena after they hyped up his Rumble performance. They ran down who Reigns threw out. Hearing that list aloud... having him eliminate Torito was stupid. Sheamus did the clubbering bit to Rollins. Bryan did the corner kicks to Ambrose, who kept guarding his head for body kicks. Cole said they're in THE QUICKEN LOANS ARENA!? Is it anywhere near the DVD Decrypter Dome? Reigns did his badass ground to apron dropkick to Cena. AND THEN HE REVVED LIKE A MOTORCYCLE! He has MASTERED the Superman Punch - it's a thing of beauty every time he does it. Great stuff with Ambrose and Cena led to an AA and a tag to Bryan. Great stuff with Bryan and Rollins. TREMENDOUS sell from Ambrose on the Brogue Kick. SPINNING STF by Cena, but Reigns powered out. Wyatts teleported to beat up Cena. Faced went into the chamber FOR A TITLE SHOT, via DQ. But it sets up the Shield-Wyatts nicely.


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SD 1-24-14

George Scott got a tribute graphic at the start of the show. Given that he's not a mainstream name, and even Lou Thesz didn't get one, this was a pleasant surprise. Generic SD intro starts things. According to Josh, WE'RE ON THE DOORSTEP OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Good lord. YAY ZEB! Zeb knocked Show for being a coward, which is true. Then he demanded that the clip air of his destruction. Amusing promo giving Show and Rey a wacky name. Show-Brock clips. Diggint Rey's Avatar gear and doing a bunch of stuff on the floor. Show hiptossed both the RAs quickly. 619>KO punch leads to the splash and the win. Nothing wrong with it, but everything about this feels like it's on auto-pilot. Heyman came out and said Brock would destroy Show AND THEN THE REST OF THE WWE UNIVERSE.

Brodus and his new theme got about 2 seconds of an intro before Miz came down. Miz apparently said on the app that he main evented WM two years ago. Actually, it was three. BAD NEWS BARRETT came down and said tonight's main event could be great, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH BRODUS VS. THE MIZ. Barrett tried to get a Miz is Awful chant going...so I think Miz is a face again. Or a heel since this chant's actually working. Maybe Barrett's a face. Barrett buried them both, then JBL buried Brodus after burying Miz...holy fuck this thing... It's all about the numbers vid. Batista vid is next. Yikes. Tons of filler by 8:30.

Nope - first, it's AJ-Cameron. JBL said that Tamina looked good in icing...hmmm. They said Naomi got married to Jimmy Uso, AND WE CAN SEE THAT STORY PLAY OUT ON TOTAL DIVAS! Distraction finish didn't win - instead it was the Shining DQ Blizzard. Post-match fight led to the dancers winning and getting their theme played. Batista vid had way too much of Steph and Orton's acting. Love Ambrose's promo about DREAMS HAPPENING IN WWE...except for this year because the Shield's in the Rumble. Love the look Ambrose shot Reigns when he said he'd win the Rumble and main event WM. Roman's GIANT SMILE was hilarious.

RYBAXEL or AXELBACK are out to face the Matadores. This black and gold trim gear looks fantastic. JBL called Torito both a cow and a horse. Josh said the bull looked concerned, which JBL buried until Josh said it was body language that showed him. Nice flying stuff by one of the bullfighters, then a snap arm-lock DDT. Schoolboy distraction finish get the win for Axel! Ryback went from a possible Goldberg match to selling for a bull-suited midget. Punk sez words next.

Long recap of the entire Kane-Punk deal, which wasn't needed how forgettable this whole thing really is. Punk's gonna look the lion in its face on Sunday and PUNCH IT IN ITS STUPID FACE! Kane came out and slowly read his calculation of what chance Punk has to win. It's 1 in 500 million...in a field of 30. Bryan-Wyatt recap. PTPs are mid-ring, Wyatts teleport to kill them. This lasted maybe a minute. D-Young laid out with Sister Abigail. Bryan came out and got the crowd to exhibit a sign of life at 9:20. Bryan's promo outshined Bray, saying that he won't be trapped in Bray's prison of madness - Bray will be trapped in his. Hype for THE BIGGEST CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH IN HISTORY. Good lord does that feud have no traction. Fandango faces Kofi next.

Kofi, who less than two weeks ago beat the WWE World Champion clean, got a tepid reaction. Nice inset promo from Kofi. JBL said that Kofi's win was an upset, but not the biggest of all-time. Fandango went for a Pele kick and...did something sort of resembling that somewhere close to Kofi. Trouble in Paradise wins it. Cena-Orton hype is up next. The TLC recap was pretty good, but man did Steph's statement of ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCHES IN THE HISTORY OF WWE OR PRO WRESTLING come off as so hollow. Heels came out and they hyped this as being a combination of WWE's two biggest factions...kinda sorta sure. Josh begged #TENMANTAG to trend, and JBL buried him for writing it down that specifically. Jimmy Uso used the Bubba Bomb, which his wife used earlier. JBL put over the Outlaws as having beaten the Dudleys, the APA, and the Hardys. They talked about Cody having a strange way of thinking, dating back to his IC Title run "restoring the prestige" of the title. Seth and Cody TEASED A SUPERPLEX TO THE FLOOR, which thankfully wasn't done. Moonsault onto Reigns from Cody. Goldust and the Road Dogg had a fun exchange. Nice super rana onto Billy. Seth's flying knee prevented the final curtain. Spear to Big E. Dive onto Rollins. Billy hits the famouser on the other Uso. Disaster kick, then the pumphandle to Cody. Schoolboy led to a big brawl and a DQ. Bunch of geeks came down and joined in because why not. Punk came down, did some bionic elbows and...yeah that was an ending. Total nothing show.


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