Kickoff starts with Coach, pube hair guy, Paige, and JBL on the panel. Nese vs. Murphy opens the kickoff card with some exciting WWE-style chinlock action! Nese gets a double-jump moonsault for 2. Nese's constant rolling reminds me of RVD in '98 - only RVD had a personality, was a better promo, and his matches were exciting. Nese eats a kamigoye as a transition spot and he goes for the running knee. Nese counters and Germans in him in the buckle and hits the running Nese to win the belt. Okay then.
All of the women just come down as a group for the battle royal. God that looks so stupid. Naomi gets an intro as does Asuka. Hip attack takes out Nikki and Candace. Lana and Sarah hug...and then Lana gets tossed. Kairi hits the elbow to Sarah. Sarah and Liv team up for a pop-up diamond dust using Sarah as a base - I dig that. If you're Dana Brooke...WHY DO YOU RUN AT THE ROPES AFTER THEY'VE BEEN LOW-BRIDGED!? Sarah thinks she wins, but Carmella's still in and wins with a superkick.
Revival comes down to defend agaisnt Hawkins and Ryder, in a match that was built up months ago and then dropped. Hawkins and Ryder need matching gear and the Revival needs to get back to matching their ring jackets with their gear - everyone's stuff looks off tonight.
Demo decapitation on Ryder gets 2. Ryder gets a double neckbreaker and wants a tag, but Dawson takes Hawkins off the apron. Hawkins gets a small package on Dawson and WIN THE TITLES! WHAT A MOMENT let's cut immediately to the pre-show panel babbling as they then cut to MORE PEOPLE TALKING.
"Tonight is about tonight!" - professional speaker of words, Jonathan Coachman. Andre battle royal is up. Roster is a bunch of geeks, but of course the SNL guys get an intro. Hardys get one too, which is nice. Coach and the panel ramble on for 20 years. Gable and Roode wrestling in tidy whitey gear does them no favors. FINALLY Braun comes out.
Braun tosses a bunch of guys out before he slugs it out with Harper for a bit. Jose looks like a Facade cosplayer with that hair. Otis hits the worm and man does his bald spot do him no favors - and he needs favors. Braun takes out Heavy Machinery. Braun takes out Harper and Ali, with Harper getting kicked mid-suplex and Ali takes a nasty bump and slams his face into the announce table. Hardys get Braun over and the SNL guys help. Hardys are gone and it comes down to Braun and them.
They bring a therapist in and he gets beaten up. Che goes on the apron and gets punched out to the floor. Jost is alone and gets thrown onto a pile of guys on the floor. I like him raising the trophy up to make this seem important and he did get into Mania shape for this.
Yolanda sings America the Beautiful and some helicopters fly overhead. Goofy Miz gets put in the big show opening video. Alexa comes out looking hot and brings out Hogan, who brings out Hogan who continues his running gag now of messing stadium names.
Heyman says if Brock isn't on last, then they're heading out first so Brock can go to Vegas and be appreciated. Brock is down to 265 and looks better than he has in a while. Seth gets a beast slayer tron and has new black and gold gear.
F5 on the floor! Brock slings him into some metal under the ring and then throws him around ringside. Brock takes off the announce table topper and makes a table out of it before throwing Seth through it. Seth's back was fucked up before this matcn and it's certainly re-fucked up now. Now after 5 minutes of a beating, the match actually starts. Suplex City and Brock hurts the ref. Seth punches hte balls and superkicks him before a stomp. A second one! A third does it! Seth wins the Universal Title for the first time in a short, but good-ish little match. Corey says that xuples city has been burned down.
King's out to call AJ vs. Orton. AJ gets a slick P1 graphic and then a giant Phenomenal One text CG graphic too. Orton has shiny pleather gear and now has an RKO logo on his kneepads! King begins to respond to a point about being a journeyman before being interrupted so they can throw to all the other commentators and even they say Shadow of New York City.
Orton bullies him into the corner, but eats chops. AJ AEW-colored gear is great. King talks forever about Orton not being close to his father. AJ gets an ushigoroshi for 2. AJ springboard 450 gets 2. Orton avoids a forearm and lands the 3.0. RKO is countered by a pop-up enzuguri. RKO HITS FOR 2! Orton sets up a super RKO, but AJ gets the Pele from the mat to avoid it. AJ lands an inside-out foerarm and then an outside-in one to win it. Solid match.
Lacey walks out. Usos are out look FAF. The Bar doesn't even get their usual camo kilt getup for WrestleMania!? WTF!? LOL @ Byron pointing out that Rusev and Nakamura have no chemistry and aren't friends. Ricochet comes out and after seeing his rise from PWG to Lucha Underground to this - good on him. Aleister gets a cool intro.
Nakamura and Rusev have some top-shelf gear now. Rusev lands a slick spinning uranage on Ricochet for 2. 630 hits Sheamus for when everyone dives in for a save. Jey dives into a European uppercut and it's a sea of finishers. Brogue to Ricochet and a superkick party to Sheamus. DOUBLE UCE DIVE WINS IT!
HOF roll out. Shane comes out in a black jersey and stops his theme so he can be introduced as the best in the world. Hyped for Shane to beat Miz with the Rainmaker after it's christened the Moneymaker. Actually, do that - it involves Shane not jumping and doing a move he can't fuck up. Shane lands a series of things called punches before pie-facing George Mizanin. OH MY GOD. MIZ HAS BEEN ATTACKED WITH A MONITOR FROM 1988! Shane goes to dive, but GEORGE PREVENTS IT!
I hope the Mean Street Posse comes out for Shane now to take out George. George comes in and gets slugged, so Miz attacks Shane. Miz knocks Shane off something. MIZ MUSCLES SHANE OVER A BARRICADE THROUGH A TABLE. This is a thing that happened! Miz hits the Finale on a wooden platform area in the crowd for 2. This is actually a darn fine arena brawl and something WWE hasn't done in ages.
Shane goes up to a giant camera platform. SUPERPLEX OFF THE PLATFORM into a crash pad area, but Shane's on top and wins it! That was Shane's best match ever and Miz's best Mania match ever. Miz should be put back in the WWE Title picture on SD - he felt like he was on an upward trajectory before the Cena/Nikka tag match and now he's back in that and a network darling with the reality show. It's pretty bizarre to see an ad for DAZN on WWE Network - so I guess DAZN isn't in the mix for AEW right now.
IT'S PAIGE HERE for guest commentary. Peyton looks fantastic in flaming gear. Bret comes out with Nattie and Beth, with Beth dressed up as Nattie. Best double suplxes the Iiconics. I love Sasha and Bayley in All In Ibushi gear. Goofy double sharpshooter hits. Sasha gets 2 off a frog splash. Tower of doom spot. Iiconics steal the pin and win it. If any team needs to work more matches and be on all three brands, it's definitely the team that works like they're in week 2 of training.
WWE Title match is already up - so at 9:15, both World Title matches are either done or ready to roll. Bryan works a glacial match doing some matwork and a takedown as a high spot. Bryan counters a mushroom stomp into a rolling crab. Kofi hits a splash to the back off the top for 2. SOS is on, but BRYAN GETS THE LEBELL LOCK! 12 to 6 elbows rock Kofi, but he still gets to the rope! Kofi gets a reverse suplex for 2. Rowan attacks, but he eats a tornado kick and the Midnight Hour! KNEE PLUS GETS 2!
Kofi does Bryan's arm-trapped PRIDE stomps! Trouble in Paradise hits and wins it! New Day unveils the revamped Kofi WWE Title belt that was just under the tarp. Xavier unveils the New Day Kofi belt shirts that JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE MADE. Okay, it's one thing for WWE Shop to sell these shirts after the win - it's another to actually have them ON THE SHOW. Xavier went from being exposed to the world thanks to Team Pacman to now being a part of the WWE Title match at WrestleMania - he's really overachieved.
Andre battle royal recap. Alexa meets with the SNL guys and apologizes. Christ almighty are these SNL guys terrible at acting - even by wrestling and skit acting standards. Outsiders come in to do prostate exam doctor jokes. Booker is out to do commentary for the US Title match. Rey's gear is both fucking ugly and incredibly beautiful due to its detail work as Mysterio.
Joe hits a running boot and then a headbutt flurry. WCP into the ropes and the 619 hits. Wheelbarrow bulldog leads to a leg tweak and the choke is in but that's it. They booked that perfectly by bringing up the ankle injury, playing up the momentary tweak of the leg and having that play into the finish. WWE'S BATISTA is hyped up for his next movie.
Roman's return is recapped. Drew gets a big Scottish band intro. Drew feels like a guy who should feel like a bigger star with this kind of intro. Roman gets an ungodly long display of pyro. IF THE WWE UNIVERSE DIDN'T SUPPORT HIM, ROMAN DOESN'T THINK HE WOULD HAVE MADE IT. Oh fuck right off with that shit.
Headbutt to Roman before Drew locks on the Corbinlock. Thankfully, Roman escapes that and eats a suplex off the apron onto the floor. Thank God, a highspot of some sort. Drew wants the future shock, but Roman punches free. Roman overcomes the odds and hits a Superman punch and spear does it NOT ONLY FOR HIMSELF, BUT EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER STRUGGLED.
A goofy Lana/Rusev Snickers commercial airs. Elias has added playing drums to things he does poorly, which includes singing, playing guitar, and wrestling. AND NOW HE PLAYS PIANO TOO and sings with the drums and piano as a hologram. Babe Rube clips play.
WORD LIFE. Basic Thuganomics Cena comes down! He cuts a meta rap about Elias being as bad a singer as he is an actor. He says WWE doesn't stand for Walk With Elias, it stands for Wasted Wrestling Experiment and Elias is just a piece of shitzu. Cena gets in a deez nuts line and says that Elias's beard is bigger than his bush. There's no AA tonight, but he will get the FU. And he does. Batista and HHH get a custom Empire State Buildling lighting setup - well that's a pretty penny to pay for HHH to jack off.
Batista channels Chono at the Dome a bit with a couple of giant SUVs bringing him out. He's gotten more work done on his stomach and now has leg tats too. Batista trips over the ropes coming in the ring and is moving really awkwardly. HBK does commentary and I'm sure will bump around a bit here.
Can Dave pull some strings so HHH can get some actual movie roles so we stop getting embarrassing 50 year old cosplay every year? HHH is Mad Max now. Cole putting this over as cool sure does that. Batista htis a lariat to start and damn is HHH ever tan. HHH hits him with a toolbox. HHH rakes his face and eyes with a chain.
HHH then goes for a finger snap spot with a set of channel locks for some fingore. HHH grabs pliars and then pulls the nose ring out with them. This is some gruesome stuff for PG on WWE's biggest show of the year. This torture porn just doesn't work - it wouldn't have even worked in the Attitude era.
Batista hits a spinebuster on the announce table. I'm hoping that HBK, co-star of The Marine 6, joins Ray Bradstone in battling Batista here. Batista clubs away and HBK tells this weird story about the match being about Batista finally being able to beat HHH - after the whole buildup is the exact opposite. Batista sets up steps on an announce table. HBK dressing like latter-day Sonny Crockett is great.
Batista sets up a Batista bomb from the steps to the other table. Well that failed and the table didn't break either. HHH reaches under the ring and gets a pair of sledgehammers. Shocked HHH didn't find some lube so he can jack off some more in this match. Spear gets 2 for Batista. HHH charges in with the hammer and eats a boot and a spinebuster.
Batista bomb hits and they kinda make it seem like HHH hit him with a hammer, but he didn't, for 2. Batista brings in the stair base - which has worked well for him before. IIRC, he won the cell match with a Batista bomb on the base. Poetically, HHH lands a Batista bomb on the steps and then hits a Pedigree for 2.5.
Batista lands a DDT on the steps. Ric gives HHH a sledgehammer. Batista grabs one but HHH hits a leaping hammer shot. ONE MORE KICK WHAM PEDIGREE ENDS IT. HHH and Ric have manly hugs for a while.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR TALKING! A Daniel Bryan T-Shirt ad airs to at least play into shirts being made for both guys. Ron Simmons says damn at B-Team modeling shirts and now JBL is out for guest commentary. JBL puts over HHH as always being great. It's Angle vs. Corbin and I love Corbin's accomplishments being rattled off. He's now WRESTLEMANIA'S FAVORITE SON.
Kurt comes down and JBL is asked about his many matches with Kurt. I remember zero of them. I do like Kurt getting a bit fireworks display. Kurt slugs him and gets an overhead belly to belly. Kurt's moving around better now than he was in his TV matches. Corbin chokes Kurt in front of his kids. Corbin misses an axehandle and he hits a trio of Germans for 2.
Corbin avoids the Angle slam and boots Kurt down. Deep Six gets 2 - so having it beat Rey was smart because it was a good nearfall here. Corner charge misses and the Angle slam gets 2.5. Kurt pulls the straps down and gets the ankle lock! Corbin rolls through it and sends him into the second rope. Corbin does the you can't see me bit and Kurt elbows him.
More Germans - I like Kurt sticking to what he can still do well. Hopefully Cena comes out to either play Kurt off or help him win. MOONSAULT MISSES! End of Days hits and Corbin wins it. Well, that's really the best long-term finish - but it's another deflating finish.
Kurt grabs the mic and says he's had the time of his life for 20 years. He wants to hear his music and hear "you suck" one more time. Kurt's wife cries and this was still a far better match than I expected it to be. Kurt comes out and kisses all 500 of his kids.
Lashley's out with revamped gear - having black, white, and red arm wraps works as a fresher look. Not sure why Lio Rush didn't just match that color scheme, but also go for an Elijah Burke Jr. look. The demon intros get goofier and goofier with each show. Now he's like part vampire with a cape.
Balor hits a spin kick and an axe kick to start. Flip dive! Lashley hits a bit one arm chokeslam. Balor hits a powerbomb and the double stomp ends it. This was booked perfectly. Nice and quick all-action affair. Alexa announces an all-new MetLife attendence figure of whateverthefuck. I love WWE being at least transparent with the self-congratulatory pyro.
Alexa brings out Truth and Carmella for some reason at 11:44 PM. They want the world's largest dance break. This isn't actually the worst idea to get the crowd active again. And THEN WE GET A MIZ AND MRS AD. AND THEN A WM AD FOR TAMPA. An epic video airs showcasing all three women - but mainly Ronda and Charlotte.
Charlotte descends to the stadium VIA HELICOPTER JUST LIKE RIC DID. WWE, just because you can note-for-note recreate Ric's biggest intros with Charlotte doesn't mean they'll be as great. Charlotte arrives and takes off her leather jacket to put on an epic robe and walks to the stadium.
Joan Jett plays Ronda to the ring - bringing a bit of a smile from Ronda. In a single year, Ronda has gone from having her first-ever match to main eventing Mania. Give it to her - she's done a ton and earned that spot. Corey talks about Charlotte growing from being his daughter to him being her father. Charlotte is put over as an 8-time champion and the first female PPV headliner with Sasha.
Becky and Charlotte slug it out and Charlotte goes for Becky's finish, so Becky goes for hers. Ronda gets a rope drape armbar and Becky dropkicks her and she lands lower back-first on the apron and right on her shoulder blades on the floor. Becky gets the disarmher, but Ronda knees the gut so Charlotte knees her jaw.
Charlotte chops the chest and Ronda says she chops like a bitch - so she chops her jaw and then Ronda hits a run-up knee twice since the first looked like shit. Less would've been more. Super bexploder gets 2. Ronda gets a double armbar, so they double powerbomb her twice. THREE TIMES.
Disarmher is on, but Ronda lifts her up and backs her into the buckle. Super disarmher is on, but Charlotte boots Becky. Spanish Fly from Charlotte to Becky gets 2. Ronda's knee is worked over and her legs are all sorts of bruised up. RINGPOST FIGURE FOUR BY CHARLOTTE!
Charlotte gets the figure 4 on Ronda, but Becky hits an Alabama jam to break it up! Becky brings a table in to hopefully force the crowd to do something. Corey talks about Charlotte being the best athlete. IN A MATCH WITH RONDA ROUSEY, how the fuck is Charlotte the best athlete in WWE? Ronda puts the table away - I love it. Charlotte spears them both and gets 2 on Becky. 2 on Ronda before she says DANGIT!
Charlotte's taken out through a table and now it's Becky vs. Ronda AND THE CROWD IS ALIVE. Becky counters Piper's Pit and gets a crucifix and wins the belts. Well that sure was an odd finish. We got maybe 30 seconds of Ronda vs. Becky and that finish was way too wonky for 12:30.
