Monday, July 29, 2013

Raw 7-29-13

Same Bryan/Cena vid from SD and ME aired to start things off. They mixed in some Kane stuff, and for some reason showed him with his grey beard. Seeing Vince and Brad side by side really brings out the Bischoff resemblance even more. Brad's grey and yellow checkered shirt is amazing. Bryan and Vince have very little chemistry together on-screen. Vince is alternating between heel and face a lot here. I love the Daniel Bryan Danielson sign behind them. Vince is bringing up ruthless agression a ton, suddenly hates Cena and doesn't want him as champ. I'm digging Bryan and Vince having a tip-toe contest to see who's taller. This took 15 minutes to accomplish very little, but ended with Bryan as a huge deal. Shield came out for a 6-man. Ambrose has a new top.

Henry and the Usos got no intro. Henry's now mixing in his usual stuff with big man-face spots using his ass. Nice alternating stomps from the Usos and an awesome flying mid-ring headbutt. Cool double dive from the Usos. Not sure why Cole felt the need to do the WHEN I SAY US, Y'ALL SAY O bit. They came back with an Uso in a chinlock. Loved Rollins swimming for a tag during a sunset flip. They hyped up Total Divas, and it re-airing on USA tonight. Great stuff with the Usos saving Henry, then nearly getting the win with a superfly dive before Ambrose got his knees up and hit the headlock driver. Win didn't really mean much since Henry sent them packing right after it. Ryback bullied guys...in his gear...in catering. This looked ridiculous. Does "I'm gonna put Cena through a table like this one" mean it's now a Table With Food match? WM replay music videos on NBC on Saturday were hyped up. LOLed a bit at the Rock being shown with a NEVER BIGGER graphic.

WWE wrote a paragraph hyping up all they do for the military. Cole said WE HAVE TO WONDER WHAT OUR TROOPS ARE THINKING ABOUT THE WYATT FAMILY! Pretty sure they have other things to worry about. This was an excuse for them to show the Wyatts whooping some ass. Kane returned from the Wyatts' destruction of him to intimidate Brad. RVD's out in a swank white, red, and black singlet to face Fandango next. SD ad is just about RVD. They're doing a better job hyping up 40+ RVD than they did with 30+ RVD. They showed pretty much the whole RVD-Alberto match from SD with the flash superkick win. FAN-DAN-GO doing the RVD thumbs bit rules. Cole hyped up WWE Battleground, which badly needs War Games. Fandango's glittery camo gear is amazing. This is a really fun match. Each guy is just doing as many goofy things as possible that look impressive. Nice outside-in Fameasser from Fandango. RVD did a ton of VINTAGE RANDOM FLIPS before stuff, and then Fandango left and RVD won via countout. Well, that was certainly a finish. RVD looked so totally bummed. AJ had a wacky meeting with Big E, whose pecs are about the size of her head.

Kaitlyn's out to face AJ. Nice upkick from AJ after she got shoved down. Nice Mutalock armbar from her as well, and it's impossible not to like how she sticks her ass out as much as possible on moves. Lots of arm work here, including a Divorce Court DDT. Something resembling a shining wizard got 2, while Kaitlyn's spear got the win. Very lame spear, and it didn't have much of a setup. AJ's got a bloody lip from something, and is freaking out marvelously after the loss. Dolph wants Big E next, and it's apparently on. Total Divas was  hyped up with "I'M FUCKED!" Very un-PG there. Cena's house is crazy awesome.

Loved Big E doing the catch on Dolph, then hitting a sweet side belly to belly on him. He's talking some smack here, ala Show/Henry/Brock, and fits in nicely doing it. Tremendous angry/sad face from AJ at ringside. Big E was great here, but lost due to AJ attacking Dolph. This was the best Big E's looked yet. Minus the Zig-Zag afterwards. Cena and Bryan had a silly meeting. They came back and Christian, who was "tweeting earlier" whining about wanting one more WHC match. After an hour and a half of build-up, they said JBL wasn't there due to a mountain climb. Christian faces Alberto here, which sure seems like an odd match to do out of nowhere given the E-level storyline of Christian wanting one more match for the title. Christian has new black, red and white camo gear on. Crazy bump over the top from Alberto, who gets the edge with some arm work to lead to a break.

Tornado DDT hit for Christian, but as Cole made sure to yell loudly, he couldn't hook a leg due to the arm. Bunch of moves. Nice buzzsaw kick while Christian got into the ring. Crowd chanted Si a ton - odd that they're doing that more now that he's a heel. Great finishing sequence with the Killswitch being countered into the armbar, then that was countered into a cradle for the win. This was a very good much, but I was somewhat numb to it. I think I'll like it a lot more on a rewatch on its own rather than as part of this exhausting show with no real hype behind it. Bryan's gauntlet was recapped. Cesaro match was once again reduced to one move. AWESOME ECW DVD/Blu ad.

Wade's in the ring excited to lose to someone. Cody Rhodes, it turns out. Recap of the Cody-Sandow stuff from SD. I have no idea how to describe the music they used over this before it switched to classical, but it this whole thing was glorious. They talked about SD's big happenings on Friday. One upside to them taping the shows in advance is they're able to make things seem more planned out and important. Barrett brought the slingshot backbreaker back out of mothballs. Top rope moonsault from Cody landed weirdly. Decent "Cody" chant after it though. Kick to the face led to the Holly gut kick. Then he hit a sorta Shining Wizard for 2. Pumphandle powerslam was countered smoothly into the Cross Rhodes. This was a fine showcase for Cody. Love Sandow's DAMN YOU, CODY! DAMN YOU! Then he insulted Cody's family for being a bunch of clowns and carnies. Kane passed the green room - Kane-Bryan is next.

The Greatest Stars of the '90s DVD is somehow still #1 in sports DVD sales. Bryan came out and a red and yellow YES sign made me want a YES-A-MANIA! shirt. Apparently, if Kane beats Bryan tonight, he'll be the number 1 contender after Cena-Bryan. That sure came out of nowhere. Curtis Axel tweeted that he'll bring The Hatchet down as Summerslam, so I guess that's the name of his new, Not-the-McGullicutter finisher. They talked about JR bursting into flames due to Kane after Vince's spontaneous combustion line earlier. Sorta-rana over the top from Bryan to Kane led to the big flying knee off the apron. An ad for Jobs aired. I'm shocked it's not the Zack Ryder Story.

The crazy-fast corner dropkicks sent Kane down and out - although it took 3 instead of 2 to do so. Bryan COULD have RUTHLESS AGGRESSION, which is back as a wacky buzzword after tonight's opening promo. Chokeslam was countered into a DDT-setup then a really shitty small package got the win. Post-match chokeslam from Kane. King brought up Kane being wrapped up "like  Christmas present." Wyatts came out. Bryan...went somewhere I guess. Kane escaped Luke Harper and Rowan, and went after Wyatt, but was attacked by the gang anyway. Crazy big boot from Harper. Super-creepy promo from Bray after the dance with Abigail.

The WWE App ad is hilarious. IT IS THE MOST INTERACTIVE APP AND LETS YOU TALK WITH THE WWE UNIVERSE! Nattie was insulted by the Bellas, leading to Brie-Nattie. After being called an ugly duckling, Nikki distracted Nattie with a duck calling. King said WHAT THE QUACK. This was stupid. What wasn't was Heyman hyping up HIS CHAMPION, THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL-TIME, CURTIS AXEL! Heyman cut a glorious promo about R-Truth, OUR TRUTH, the Punk-Brock match, and put over Axel huge. Something big is still not clicking with him. The Hatchet hits, but Punk took him out. Heyman getting stuck on the barricade trying to escape was glorious. Hunter and Steph walked backstage presumably to come out and bury the entire roster before Cena-Ryback.

This led to HHH meeting with...Vince...also backstage. Loved Vince saying he wants someone like HHH...only 20 or 23 years younger. Steph suggested giving Bryan a corporate makeover. That was fairly stupid. Cena came out and a guy, a full-grown man, jumped up and down in glee with a giant sign and Cena shirt on. Ryback abusing a man with food, and a spinebuster, was recapped. Ryback was named JERK OF THE MONTH, complete with a silly boot prop. Cole dared to call Ryback, The Intimidator. Cole said that tables matches are sometimes won with luck, and then things just went to a break while Lawler was mid-sentence.

That was super-weird, but apparently planned since they had King bring it up on commentary. Cena locked in the STF, with only about half a foot between his arms and Ryback's head. Nice spear on the floor from Ryback. Ryback teased doing...something to Cena on the steps. They teased an AA through a ladder bridge. But instead, they nixed that and had Ryback smash the table with steps to...prove some sort of a point to Cena I guess. AA on the steps. FISTDROP ON THE STEPS sure was stupid. Backpack stunner was brought out of mothballs. I'm amazed they couldn't find a better angle for that clothesline that didn't show Cena bumping before the move hit him. Ryback went for it again, but got AAed through a table. This was decent, but still not exactly good. Bryan came down afterwards to hand him the belt, but hold it back before Cena grabbed it angrily. That was indeed an ending to the show.


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Friday, July 26, 2013

SD 7-26-13

Unlike Raw, SD doesn't get the big recap vids. Instead it's just the standard SD intro from two years ago with minor updates. Orton is starting the show with a match, which is far better than him cutting a promo. He's facing Sandow. So they're doing Mr. MITB vs. Mr. MITB with no hype or even reason for it happening. Also, Sandow feels several notches below Orton, making the difference between between the WWE and World titles seem even more pronounced. I love Sandow applauding the crowd for taking a break from cow-tipping and looking at the bug zapper. Great CAC reference from JBL with the cases out there. Then he played grammar Nazi with Cole over a double negative. Neck snap on the rope led to one of those weird 2 counts where they go for a cover right as Cole gets right into WE'LL BE BACK AFTER A BREAK mode.

I love Orton asking for more cheers before some mounted punches. ON THE APP, Orton did a dropkick. JBL compared Sandow's kneedrop to the one that TORE OFF YUKON ERIC'S EAR. In a couple of weeks, I'm sure he'll talk about Haku taking Jesse Barr's eye out during an eye rake spot. I really dug him saying that title shots mean so much that Henry threw his family under the bus for one, and both of the men in there now have one at any time they want. THE SNEAKING SNAKE Randy Orton won. No word on if he also left Batman and Robin tied up and left too. Also, Cody came out and presumably took Sandow up on being protector of the case because he grabbed it. Loved Sandow asking "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" and Cody responding with "Eh, I dunno" before the RKO. CM Punk is coming out to talk about stuff next.

Continuum's boob-heavy ad is very un-PG. For some reason, the Greatest Superstars of the '90s set is still in the top 10 sports DVD sales. Okay Punk promo. Best vs. the Beast is already catching on with signs. Punk talked about Heyman making him the dirtiest player in the game, which didn't get a single WOO. Punk teased that Brock may just be turning face after Summerslam by setting up Heyman as a weakness for Brock like he was for him. He's going to kick Brock over and over until he's A PILE OF FAILURE! Summer Rae's orange dress is murder even on HDTV. Punk is not amused by any of this. Punk GTSed him, and revealed his gear underneath his street clothes. According to JBL, FANDANGO IS NO BROCK LESNAR. And man did that ever make the existence of these two men in the same company seem weird. Wyatts debut in-ring later. 1-800-FELLA ad killed some time.

PTPs are doing their dance while Barrett basically tells them to knock that shit off and get serious. THEY'VE GOT TO FACE MARK HENRY! And the Usos too. Henry/Usos vs. the Shield for Raw is announced. Henry won with the slam. AJ gives a state of her insane mind later. Also, Alberto-RVD is happening, and mentioned for the first time tonight. Raw is hyped up with A DOUBLE MAIN EVENT. As opposed to its usual triple main event. Alberto met with Vickie in a goofy segment. I dig his jersey. Didn't dig RVD's acting. Sandow called Sin Cara vermin for not speaking English. RVD-Alberto is up next. Wow. That's sudden. SHARKNADO 2 IS COMING!

Cole talked about JBL being WWE Champion for a long time without actually winning. Loved Alberto yelling in Spanish, saying NO MAS, and buying himself time. Cheap superkick got the win for Alberto...wow was this not the match I expected at all.  I love Sandow being nice to Booker and Henry. Booker and Henry wouldn't snitch! Tremendous. And Booker can't stand thieves. AJ and her Harley Quinn booty shorts came out. A fan dressed like Bray Wyatt was happy to see her. AJ had Dolph's keys, and she threatened to throw his shit out. He said his locks have been changed a couple times since then, and THOUSANDS OF TIMES total. She had his wallet. Cut up his driver's license, and passport. He didn't mind the latter because he could just go to the girl at the passport agency because she owes him a favor because he taught her a thing where her leg goes behind her head... Crowd chanted YOU ARE PSYCHO at her. This went on and on and fucking on. Then AJ left the ring and got speared to 20 kinds of death by Kaitlyn. Dolph hit the fameasser on Big E on the floor when he tried to help her up. No one in this came off well. Christian faces Swagger in an '09 ECW rematch, and the Wyatts debut next.

The same Bryan vid from ME aired. I like the Wyatts' "we're here" bit not getting any logos on at all - it's a little thing that helps make them seem special. One guy chanted HUS-KY HARRIS! at them during the intro. It is bizarre to see a guy in a WWE ring working in funky jeans, a tanktop, and balding hair. Nice discus lariat from Harper. Splash from Rowan got a win. This was fine. Tensai danced with Abigail and destroyed. This felt like a beating you'd give a guy leaving the company.

Loved Sandow yelling like a crazy man about the case. Christian's tan is about as crazy as Sandow is. Cole blatantly lied about how big a show this has been. They did some moves and went to a break. TWO COMCAST SHELLFISH ADS IN A ROW. God, it's like Impact with that one ad about the change-o machine. Killswitch won. This was nothing. Sandow was out looking upset. Also, it's 9:50, so I guess that unhyped nothing match was the main event. Sandow is threatening to have Cody arrested. Sandow said something about there being nothing worse than a thief in the locker room, which sounded like a rib for something. Cody stood next to the Gulf of Mexico in his swanks suit. I love it when they make use of the arena being right next to it. Loved the fans cheering Sandow on and him telling traffic to stop. Damien saying that Cody is smarter AND has better facial hair ruled. The case got chucked in and is so busted up that the contract is beyond useless now. He can't swim, and I wouldn't want to get in that water - it's got leaves and God knows what in there. He spit up water and...yeah, he probably had a rough night after the tapings. The case being thrown in and Sandow jumping in each got slow-mo replays to kill time. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY THE SHOW ENDED. This was a chore to get through.




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Thursday, July 25, 2013

TNA Impact 7-25-13

Before the show, it's hard to really think of anything involving TNA other than all of the releases. The pre-Impact vid has Tenay's HE HIT HIM WITH A HAMMER! bit. Way to show Sabin earning the title. The title match recap showed that Sabin couldn't have won without the Mafia or the hammer. MEM theme hits and Tenay fucking immediately talks about THE POWER OF THE WORLD TITLE! Sting must be a better actor than he gets credit for, because he was able to say that Sabin winning was the highlight of his entire career. Angle sounds like he got done smoking nine cartons of cigs. Then he said that Sabin-Bully WAS SABIN'S BEST MATCH OF HIS CAREER! Sabin came out in a basic black shirt with Adidas shoes and blue jeans. At least he's got a belt on. He's dressed slightly better than Rampage, but looks 12 in there with all these guys. Sabin cut a bland promo and then Bully came out with Dean Hill, who got a DEAN HILL chant. Dean is great as a face commentator or as a really smarmy heel. DON'T MAKE HIM ROCK YOUR WORLD!  Ultimate X is up. Greg M got a video and I think he's a heel now.

Very compelling video on Manik with him talking about being homeless three years ago with his family (despite ALWAYS BEING SUICIDE) and that he slept in any dorm room he could eating rice because that's all he could afford. He's been wrestling since he could drive, and that he was robbed at gunpoint in Mexico just to pursue this dream. This was great, and would've been better if they hadn't rushed through it in like a minute. They TALKED ABOUT the new X Title belt, but didn't show it. Then they hyped up FOLLOWING DIXIE ON TWITTER. Be sure to ask her #wheremypaycheck. JB talked about Greg M being in the Super Jr. tourney in New Japan. They talked about Greg's Abe Lincoln kneepads which led to JB talking about him being the best promo ever with the Gettysburg address, then Tenay said he was a wrestler and JB called him the #historymaker. In the ring, everyone did wacky double moves that looked silly.

Greg M hit whatever his version of the Fade to Black is on the ramp when they came back. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO A MOVE THAT SMASHES YOUR KNEES ON THE RAMP IN A MATCH WHERE YOU NEED TO CLIMB SOMETHING!? TNA 10: the Reunion, celebrating in ELEVENTH YEAR of the company's life airs in a week. Great superkick sell from Greg after he hit a running knee in the corner. Greg and Sonjay fought on the steel structure, they teased a superplex off of it, but thankfully just fell through it. Things got way too wobbly there at times, and Manik won by sneaking through and grabbing the belt after knocking Greg off the cables. Bully and Anderson had a meeting in a shitty-looking part of the building. Bully would've voted for him, and he's glad to have him as VP. Anderson-Hernandez is next.

Tessmacher is live-tweeting, and Hernandez is coming out with next to no intro. I'm digging the new Super-Mex tights, with a giant gold H instead of a red S. JB said "it's not always the number 1 points getter who wins the BFG series.". He was trying to say early on, but it came off as somewhat stupid since by definition, the number 1 points getter wins. Air Mexico is avoided, then the Mic Check hits and Anderson wins. This was a match. KOs title match with Gail and Mickie is next.

 But first, a recap of Dean Hill and Bully Ray! Dixie and some girl named Hayley met with a camera guy. EY showed Joseph Park some porn, which Park said wasn't his and it must be his secretary's doing. And then he was shown himself turning into Abyss, which he has no memory of. Velvet's tits and ass came out. A really fat guy is wearing a Taker It's My Yard shirt in 2013. She'll be ringside and after THIS BREAK the match is up. Hopefully. Velvet only had to say about two things and said them both in the most wooden way possible.

JB said that Gail, Mickie, and Taryn have raised the bar for women's wrestling. It's quite true - so please have Velvet not face any of them. I can't stop looking at the balding dude in a green shirt next to an old chick in pink. Dean Hill is just Aces and 8s Lawyer. I hope his assistant is RDX Lawyer. Some great stuff with Mickie blowing a kiss, then missing a dropkick, getting hit with one, leading to Gail blowing one at her. Loved Mickie counting along with ODB. And then some goofy bullshit happened with ODB fighting with everyone and Mickie cradling her. Brooke came out and called Gail LITTLE MISS PINK. You know that compelling storyline they did with Taryn  months ago? Yeah, they rushed through it here. ODB's back as a wrestler. They showed a few seconds of Sabin's celebration, and then they showed Hogan's gut with Dixie. Dixie played super-nice chick with a heart, which sure plays differently after the past week.

Daniels-Joe is up, YAY! Tenay said that in one on one action, Daniels has never beaten Joe in TNA. Great JOE JOE JOE chant here helps make this seem important. Sumo slap rush by Daniels was countered by ONE SLAP by Joe that took Daniels out. Really fun by-the-numbers match here. Anderson came out, Joe got his knee clipped by Daniels. BME got 2, but a second got 3. Anderson kept Joe from doing well in the tourney, which is smart. AJ walked backstage. AJ-Hardy is next. Hardy is in a white wifebeater with white and black neckpaint.

Joseph Park is live-tweeting, and Sting's talking with Kurt about how Bully has no legal leg to stand on. Hardy came out and must've decided that white and black was bland, so he threw pink paint on his face and got it all over the fans. Hardy feels like such a big deal with them having signs all over for him and going nuts when he does his pose. And then they pimped the TNA WORKOUT APP and he felt like a flea market wrestler.They hyped up TNA 10 with Joe saying "tonight, Angle, I MAKE YOU CRUMBLE". Maybe they should've changed that ad. SPINEBUSTER from AJ. I don't recall him doing that before. Snap alley oop gives Hardy the edge. AJ in the shirt looks like Anderson - just having given up completely and dead inside. Middle rope splash from Hardy gets 2. SNAP SUPLEX INTO THE TURNBUCKLE FROM AJ. Holy shit. That was something else. Hardy looks like a rough 40 year old with the facial hair. Twist is countered into the Pele! This match is getting very good. Fuller Lock into the Calf Killer gets 10 points for AJ. Good thing they mentioned Bellator there, because I had no idea it was on this Wednesday.

Loved Bully being outraged over being hit with a hammer, after winning and defending it using one. Sabin came out in his Tony Hawk Pro Skater getup. Sabin called him a BIG FAT CRYBABY. Wow. Sabin is really unlikeable. Hogan came out with ONE PIECE OF PAPER. It's a contract, which he ripped up. Hogan kept the title on Sabin. However, Bully gets a rematch in a cage match at the Hardcore Justice TV show on 8/15 in VA. Shame it isn't closer to me. Also, the naming scheme for HJ gets even weirder since the PPV was just called HJ 2, but was the third one with that moniker.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

WWE Main Event 7-24-13

Show started with Sheamus coming out and Miz bragging about being the host of SummerSlam. Zeb came out and made wetback jokes while talking about having NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON ALL NIGHT and seeing folks cross the border because they're in Texas. According to Miz, Sheamus's plan is to keep the pain away from Swagger. Sheamus hit the Finlay roll mid-ring, but fell to a kneebreaker on the steps for an ad break. They came back and talked about how Swagger was attacking THAT INJURED KNEE/LEG/KNEE. Irish Curse hurts Sheamus about as much as Swagger...so just stop doing it until your leg heals. Love that big herc-up and toss deal from Swagger. Love him just beating up the leg with stomps and clubbing blows, and Miz saying "HE'S GOING FOR ONE OF HIS SIGNATURE LOCKS!" when he locked in the Patriot Lock. I wasn't aware of him having more than one lock in his arsenal. I like the ref asking him if he wants to save his career and tap. Brogue Kick wins. This went 20 minutes, and didn't drag, but also wasn't very good or memorable.

A great Punk-Heyman recap vid aired and after the break, Sin Cara came out with a bright red hoodie. I love Josh saying that 3MB wants at least one of their songs to be the Summerslam theme...despite them having none recorded. Sin Cara in his Big Red Gum gear. Apron enzuiguri from Sin Cara sends Drew into a flip sell into the ring. I love him turning into a mini-Dolph with his selling. For the second time, Miz talks about it all being about getting the W in WWE. Love Sin Cara diving onto all three guys, getting caught and chucked back into the ring. KNEELING RANA DRIVER from Sin Cara gets the win. Holy shit that ruled. It's also easily his best finisher in WWE.

Miz has a black and purple graph paper suit on. Did he go on an early Genesis spree and decide he needed as many possible color combinations for its cover art style in suit form? Bryan-Cena recap vid. Bryan-Cesaro was relegated to about four moves. The Cena-Ryback table match stuff got more time than Bryan's gauntlet. Sandow and his smashed up MITB case are out. That case is really quite mangled. I hope the contract doesn't fly out during a strong wind. Gabriel's new theme is outstanding. Not sure what to make of the jacket. It's at least so bad, it's good, but I'm not sure if it's quite to the level of his Mork getup from NXT.

According to Miz, when you're Mr. MITB, EVERYONE WANTS YOU. You get movies, TV shows, magazines, and have a chance to become a championship! Nice abdominal stretch by Sandow. I'm sure Mr. Sandow would scold Miz for saying he was "working on that abs." Running knee to the gut before the elbow of disdain. Grounded armbar/bodyscissors by Sandow.  Miz bragged about going from main eventing WM to HOSTING SUMMERSLAM. He's at least making the most of a bad situation, I'll give him that much. Standing Sea Fire into a Final Cut from Gabriel. Wow. Time to update his WWE '13 moveset. Nice STO from Gabriel. Spinkick countered into the Edge-O-Matic from Sandow. O Conner roll gets 2, giant elbow sends Sandow back, but he still wins with a full nelson slam. Really fun match and I hope they give Gabriel at least an IC-level push at some point.

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Monday, July 22, 2013

Raw 7-22-13

THE WILL OF THE WWE UNIVERSE WILL NOT BE SILENCED as Bryan was picked to face Cena. At MITB, Paul Heyman FORECLOSED ON HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH CM PUNK! The outstanding recap of the Brock-Punk deal from last week reminded me of a Steamboat match - he got in little bits and pieces of offense and always gave you hope. The Cena portion of the recap focused on the Bryan deal. I love these detailed recaps - they're way better than the generic intros. Maddox started things off with his drumroll, and named himself THE SHERIFF OF RAW! I demand he come out on a horse that at least partially matches his grey suit. John Cena is super-duper excited about getting the kickoff for Summerslam started. Maddox's bright blue pants are incredible - I didn't think anything could top the unique shade of grey for his suit jacket. Maddox asked Cena why he picked Bryan, and he did it because...MADDOX LET HIM. Maddox played the role of Vince here and said Cena's bigger, stronger, and doesn't look like a troll. Bryan came out to a YES chant and a slew of YES signs - including one that lit up. Cena insulted Maddox, and then he talked about HBK, Eddie, and Rey as being WWE Champions who weren't big. Odd to cite Rey since HE BEAT HIM the day he won it. Cena picked him to compete, but he isn't just going to hand it over. Why not? Titles come and go. Maddox booked Bryan in matches. Maddox brought the NO stuff back to disprove Bryan. This was...certainly good at points, but a bit vague too.

Sheamus and Alberto are walking backstage to have a match...for some reason. WWE MAGAZINE HAS MORE READERS PER COPY THAN MAXIM, AND DID YOU KNOW IT'S WWE MAGAZINE'S 30TH ANNIVERSARY! They showed Sheamus's thigh all sorts of fucked up from the MITB match. It's been a year since the 1,000th show. ONE FULL YEAR of 3 hours shows. Sheamus got a quick LET'S GO BROGUE chant and Alberto responded by flexing his pecs. JBL said that Alberto gets better every week. Well, he lost last week, so I don't know how valid that statement could be. Rope armbar led to Sheamus just punching the fuck out of Alberto on the top rope. THAT RULED. On the WWE App, Sheamus's leg was thrown into the steps. They showed Sandow backstage with the case. Everything Sheamus does is at near-Hogan speed. JBL talked about clubbering and JR...who never talked about it. Sheamus went up top but got kicked. Dude's trying, but he's moving like he's nowhere near ready to be out there, and in there with someone he has very little chemistry with, so why do this? Leg buckled on the White Noise and Alberto turned it into, wait for it, A SCHOOLBOY, for a win. This match overachieved since Sheamus is so busted up and I dug the finish making use of the injury. Instead of lambasting the heel for attacking Sheamus without mercy, Cole put him over for making use of the injury to win. THE CAST OF TOTAL DIVAS WILL BE ON MIZ TV. That should be amazing.

Vickie being named SD GM was recapped. Renee talked to Booker and Teddy. Booker was relatively cool about this, while Teddy was a massive dickhead. They officially announced the Bryan gauntlet, after implying it before. Since it's got three guys in it, I'll just assume it's against the Shield. Christian came down and appeared to be in less agony than last week, while JBL called him a young man.
Titus came out to face him. I wonder if we'll find out of Christian is fuckin tough tonight. They wished HBK a happy birthday. They talked about the royal baby being born today. Titus just tossed Christian into the ring from an over the shoulder powerslam position. Nice spot, still got no reaction. The replayed showed Christian just throwing himself off the ropes. Titus whistled with each boot his landed to Christian. Those looked better than the shitty knees he was throwing. Fallaway slam countered into the Killswitch. This was a match. They showed Ryback destroying Jericho. Ryback appears to have gained 30 pounds. RYBACK HATES AVERAGE. Since he hates average, does that mean he loves having a below-average PPV record?

The champ is... OUT OF GEAR. But thanks to WWEShop, he's good. Henry out, and they showed his attack at the hands of the Shield from Raw - but not his revenge on SD. He's proud to be a native Texan, and they're in Texas. He's proud of his effort against Cena, BUT HE'S NOT PROUD OF GETTING BEATEN UP. HIS HEART DON'T PUMP KOOL-AID, IT'S FIGHT TIME! Now it makes sense why they didn't show the SD angle - they basically reshot it here. King said you don't see this very often...unless you watched SD. Cena and Bryan exposited information in a really stilted way. Maybe Bryan's facing the Puzzler, the Riddler, and Egghead later. I love Bryan, but both guys sucked hard here.

D-Young's out to face D-Zigs.  They showed Dolph getting a "big victory" on SD. It was so big they didn't show or say who it was. They did show AJ's freakout and peck on the forehead from Big E. JBL mentioned Buddy Landell when D-Young combed his hair for the millionth time. The crowd is once again totally silent in a match due to it not being hyped up or happening for any particular reason. Electric chair facebuster from DY. Dolph won, then got jumped by Big E. They did some light brawling, then Dolph outfoxed him. Cole talked about AJ's tweet, then said AND WHILE TALKING ABOUT THE IPHONE, which he wasn't doing, they showed the app install video. MizTV is next!

They had more "then and now" pics to hype up Summerslam. Miz looks about the same level of douchebag now as he looked then. Miz's suit looks like an early Genesis cover. They showed a clip of this show. One minute goes on for an hour. This got boos. Brie's tits are about 20 billion times bigger than Nikki's. Minor nip slip from her here.  Eva was a bitch to King, slapped him, and then it made sense why she was sitting in the heel section. Then this just ended. That was bad, but sadly, not so bad it's good. Bryan's graphic just shows him as facing two people now.

HHH talked to Maddox about Bryan being the future of WWE. HHH left, then Steph just slapped Brad on the shoulder. Wyatt ass-kicking vid aired, complete with a lot of stuff from Main Event to make that show seem important. Summer Rae came out in a super hot green and black dress. Fandango's birthday is today, and he faces someone next. They hyped up an Omaze/Make a Wish WM 30 giveaway. Fandango shook his ass around to his theme song. Sandow's out to do commentary, so naturally Cody is Fandango's opponent. Loved Sandow taking credit for every single offensive move, no matter how minor, Cody hit. Minus the closed fist, since that's illegal. Fandango dove in to save the moonsault block. Disaster kick, Cross Rhodes wins. Another recap of Punk-Brock. Punk comes out next.

He's out in his shirt and jeans, and they showed an Austin-Punk sign quickly before pulling away from it quickly. Punk took an ass-kicking, BUT HE'S STILL WALKING. Brock can beat him down, but can't KEEP him down. Punk put over the UFC Title win and said Brock's biggest asset was fear. Even the toughest guys fear Brock...BUT HE IS NOT AFRAID OF BROCK LESNAR. He's a big, tough son of a bitch. He's a monster, AND MONSTERS WERE PUT IN HIS PATH TO BE SLAUGHTERED! Lots of good sound bytes here. At Summerslam, IT'S THE BEST VERSUS THE BEAST! Heyman loved the marketing, but said that heroes are just cowards who ran out of options or heroes who are fools. Heyman said Brock was in peak fighting shape, while Punk is all beat up from the MITB match and Brock's demolition. Brock-Punk is official. But it won't be The Best vs. the Beat because the Best IS the Beast! RVD faces...someone next.

RVD faces Alberto on SD. Wow. Okay, so I guess they're striking while the iron is hot. Awesome. RVD gets to squash Barrett next. Barrett got a split lip maybe a minute in. Instead of talking about that, they just talked about the new Prince of England again. JBL FINALLY talked about Wade liking that because he's a fighter. Nice big boot in the ropes to RVD hung him up on the ropes. This wound up being a pretty decent little match. Nothing special, but enjoyable. RVD got a massive celebration with almost his whole theme playing, and the Bryan matches are next.

JR was bullied by JBL and Cole. The Real Americans will face Bryan. YAY, THAT MEANS WE'LL GET CESARO-BRYAN! Zeb ranted about "the Mari Show" and paternity. Swagger-Bryan is up first. They had some good stuff going on, but Swagger lost to the Yes Lock. Cole had no idea who the second guy would be...hmm...PERHAPS THE OTHER WRESTLER OUT THERE. IN GEAR. MAYBE IT'LL BE HIM! The match started on the app, and even had the corner rush uppercut and Very European uppercut too. Edelweiss Chinlock by Cesaro, but no spin. Dragon screw by Bryan. Surfboard jump on the knees led to him kicking Cesaro on his back. Delayed suplex out of nowhere by Cesaro, and then he forearmed him a bunch. Loved Cesaro bringing back the dragdown with the tights during a chinlock.  Cesaro got his fucking chest kicked in. Corner dropkick led to the hesitation dropkick to the corner by Bryan. Uppercut counter off the top from Cesaro. Bryan-Cesaro gets an ad break. YES!

They came back with the double stomp. Nice gutwrench by Cesaro. This has been his best showcase of any kind in months for him. Misawa elbow combo by Bryan led to the wacky death valley driver variant from Cesaro. German suplex led to Cesaro landing on his knees to get buzzsaw kicked. Tremendous. TIGER UPPERCUT from Cesaro while Bryan was on the top rope. Superplex countered into a tree of we by Bryan and a bunch of kicks before a baseball slide dropkick to the ribs. Cesaro countered a back suplex with a crossbody - he's a huge dude to be doing that, and he did it perfectly. Cesaro did some machine gun European uppercuts, then did a running palm thrust to get a long 2. This is Cesaro's best match in WWE. Bryan did some machine gun Misawa elbows, then locked on the Indian deathlock with elbows. Ref pulled him off, so Cesaro got to the floor where they got hit with a suicide dive. Very European uppercut led to a small package. MR. SMALL PACKAGE WINS! Maddox met with Riley backstage and said that Bryan was impressive, but we'll see how he does against THE NEXT ONE.

Ryback came out to face Bryan, and continue Bryan's streak of greatness. Bryan started off with leg kicks and Cole brought up the recent leg damage. Bryan's been wrestling for half an hour so far. Bryan got his ass kicked thanks to pure power. This got YOU CAN'T WRESTLE chants, which led to Ryback just smacking his own head and doing the Hogan ear cup. Ryback did a chinlock to call some spots. Calgary Crab locked in about 2 inches from the rope, so Ryback made it to the ropes. Ryback rushed in for the Meathook but got hit with a flying knee instead. Meathook finally hit when he went for a second corner dropkick! Ryback set a table up, but got hit with the suicide dive for his troubles. Ryback got kicked a bunch on the floor. They got back in. Kicks to the leg and body by Bryan! Ryback's face hit the second rope, so Bryan kicked it through the ropes! Bryan got the missile dropkick, then the Yes Lock in the dead center of the ring.

Powerbomb through a table by Ryback gave Bryan the win. Well, this was a showcase for every single person involved in it. Ryback tried to further bully Bryan, but Cena by golly, WILL NOT STAND FOR BULLYING! Cena challenged Ryback to a tables match...um, isn't that bullying him too since Ryback's just had a match? It will happen at some point in the future. Cole said it'll be next week. That was awkward. Vince is backstage with Maddox and had a blue and pink shirt AND tie on. Vince said we haven't seen the vicious side of Bryan. Bryan-Kane is next week too. Bryan stood in the ring and got a standing ovation from the crowd. Well, he damn sure earned it.


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Friday, July 19, 2013

SD 7-19-13

SD's intro has been updated with Axel and Fandango. Teddy's out to announce that Vince is here...with no build at all. So the Vickie job evaluation deal did well in the ratings, and they're redoing in a way to make sure it can't be a boost to this show. Teddy's look of sheer sadness when Booker came out was glorious. WHAT'S UP UNIVERSE!? from Booker was hilarious. Vince has the world's most blue suit on and is even more animated than usual. Teddy made Jericho-Axel in a rematch from a couple of weeks ago, only for the title. Booker made AL-BERTO DEL RIO against Orton. It feels like they've had five million matches against each other. Maddox rushed out to the Raw theme and sadly not a drumroll. He wants to be the GM of both shows...after one week as GM of Raw. Amazing. Maddox and his pit stains announced the SD return of RVD, who got a huge chant. This return is working out way better than expected based on his indy and TNA work. And then Vince made Vickie the SD GM. Well, he did say people were wrong for not wanting her as Raw GM. Vickie hates these fans because she was voted out of a job on. Crazy with power Vickie is so much more enjoyable than wacky comedy act Vickie. LOL @ her saying she's the permanent GM. A #faceziggler sign made air. And Heyman will once again be on MizTV.

Swagger vs. Dolph is the opener for some reason. No promo from Dolph about the breakup and attack. He's just all happy and such. Cole hyped this match up as being due to Dolph's concussion being caused by Swagger. Great story. Shame they didn't tell it until after the match started. AJ and Big E are backstage. E's got an amazing white, red, and black vertically-striped shirt on. Pulldown>Euro uppercut by Cesaro...almost connected well. JBL called it perfectly by saying he didn't get all of it. Zen and Cesaro were ejected and even got the goodbye song. Sunset flip from Dolph was countered into the ankle lock. Zig Zag hit, and all of this happened less than 2 minutes after ejecting the other folks, so I'm not really sure why they even bothered with that. Now we're getting Dolph on the stick. I'm sorry...I DIDN'T DO IT SOONER. Wow. AJ's batshit crazy reaction was way better than the promo, as was Big E looking terrified to try and touch her. Big E did, hugged her, went to kiss her on the lips, but gave her a peck on the forehead instead. THIS WAS ADORABLE. Rollins and Reigns came down and a cute chick looked super-excited to touch Rollins. They have a rematch with the Usos because...why not.

Match never really got started as Ambrose ran down and they all attacked the Usos before Henry came out to solidify his face turn and presumably set up a 6-man tag at Summerslam. The U-SO bit didn't just get one big reaction, but three, so this feud has really helped them come off as stars.Thanks to the Usos, Henry was able to survive this beating. The Orton-Alberto match graphic features some terrible Photoshopping with Orton and the case. Barrett got a jobber intro while THE WWE APP, THE NEW-WAY TO WATCH TV got a an install video and it opens up A WHOLE NEW WORLD TO YOU. Bryan got a huge YES chant the second his theme hit, and they just kept doing it. It's amazing to see the legs that one bit has,a nd now it's at about its peak level again. Sadly, the chant stopped once the match started. Then the DANIEL BRYAN chants broke out. Cole talked about getting into the "interesting history between Cena and Bryan at Summerslam, which we'll get into over the next few weeks.". So I guess they'll talk about the Nexus, which sure would've been nice to tie into this match since it would make it seem more important. Crucifix>Yes Lock got the win. Loved Vickie slapping the everloving shit out of Brad backstage. That was stiff and awesome. World's better than anything Henry did to the Shield. Miz TV is next.

Miz and Heyman have good chemistry together. Heyman really should be his manager, since he's at least got more personality than Axel and is much easier to hate than the guy who is proud to be IC Champion because his father was. Cole did some poorly-ADRed exposition about what happened on Raw between Punk, Heyman, and Brock. I loved Miz's "YOU SWORE ON YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOU. LIED!" line. I loved this leading to him bragging about Axel beating Miz at the PPV, and then getting the hour 1 main event going. Jericho kicked some ass to lead to an ad break. Generic chinlock from Axel brought it back. Loved the bulldog getting countered into an irish whip, then leading to the Whatevercutter. JBL was awesome putting over the Walls as possibly leading to a historic 10th title reign for a legend. Loved Jericho preventing Heyman from coming in, causing him to get kicked and hit with the wacky reverse Whatevercutter. That finisher looks really stupid. This was a perfectly fine match, but nothing special. I applaud Jericho for doing whatever he can to use his last match to be an on-paper big win for Axel, but it didn't feel like a huge deal. Loved him also using his last night to further put Ryback over. Meathook looked stiff and it's nice to at least see Ryback used in an injury angle that makes him look strong.

Sandow being indignant, but forgiving towards Cody was great. He forgives Cody for everything. How kind of him. He offered him the title of PROTECTOR OF THE CASE! He has the honor of not only hauling it around with him, but also ensuring its safety. Loved him grabbing the case and then just bonking him in the head with it. This is the best team breakup since Miz-Riley. RVD's on SD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS. Good lord has the industry changed a ton since then. RVD's matches haven't. Standard RVD squash. Kick setup cradle. Kick. Standing moonsault. PLANCHA of all things in this. Titus's whistle matches their gear now. Springboard kick led to the Five star. Perfectly fine AWA-style showcase squash. Wyatts beatdown from Raw is replayed.Vickie met with Teddy, who was ejected by giant guards. Well, he was a prick to Vickie last week. Alberto and Orton had every match they've ever had together again. RKO won and wow did this ever make the world champ seem secondary. Orton could now easily make a claim for a title shot at Alberto, then get the WWE Title too. It's amazing to see him get a main event-level push again after that year+ in the mid-card. JBL calling Alberto ONE OF THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME was something. He's not even the best guy to play wacky rich dude ON THIS SHOW.

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

TNA Impact 7-18-13 - Destination X

THE NEW ERA OF THE X DIVISION begins with a new belt that looks like a fan-made blend of the Attitude IC and first X Titles. Why they spent any money on that when the existing title was fine is beyond me. A new champ will be crowned and Jigsaw, Rockstar Spud, and Trent ? are in whatever wacky X division mini-tourney they use to do that. Pre-show hype on Spike involves Bully saying "I'M A BAD PERSON" then pulling a knife. Buncha dudes backstage, including Homicide. Sabin's warming up...in a bathroom next to a urinal with a few-years-too-late Affliction-style Impact Wrestling shirt. OUTSTANDING video on Sabin tracing him from childhood to now. JB and Tenay are on commentary, so no Taz singing.

Something might be up with Taz as JB said he was just told to come out here 10 minutes ago. The workrate-heavy Destination X starts with Bully Ray yammering. All he's been hearing about ON TWITTAH and the wrestling magazines, apparently, everyone's talking about one little boy. Damn that Sabin. Nice Let's Go Sabin chant. They're building him up great tonight, so between that, him being built up as a huge underdog, and the MEM saying they'll prevent the Aces from hurting the match, I'd say he has a shot tonight. Lots of XXXXL shirts in the crowd here. Bully wants Brooke to come out. Brooke came out looking really hot in black shorts and no lipstick, so she doesn't look 40 tonight. She's sick of Mark, and is moving on. GO BROOKE. Now please get out of wrestling as soon as humanly possible. Brooke's got some Chun Li thighs on her.

Hogan came out in that Affliction-style shirt to a massive pop that was sustained quite a bit. Hulk Hogan of all human beings talked about raping and pillaging a company. Angle and his goofy shades appeared with the rest of the Mafia. Rampage is getting paid to walk and snarl. They had Bully say HE'LL NEVER LOSE THE TITLE and won't give up Brooke, so I could see tonight being the night where he loses it all. They showed Roode losing to Aries a year ago, and tonight, he'll face the same man he lost to a year ago. Outstanding start to the show.

Roode-Aries is up, and Aries has shaved his facial hair into basically Punk's but with a soul patch. It looks ridiculous even by his standards, although he does look a lot younger. Screw you Howard Stern, JB is the King of Social Media, while Dixie is queen. Amazing. Aries did his wacky springboard axe handle to Roode, who sold it with a Flair flop. Now they're former tag partners according to Tenay. Nice flying clothesline off the apron by Roode.

They came back and Tenay plugged the workout app. Ear claps from Aries prevent Roode from superplexing him. Crazy suicide dive from Aries to Roode on the floor HITTING THE STEPS, and then Aries just talked over him and got the biggest ovation possible. Aries as an asshole babyface works. Crossface is locked on, but countered. Aries went for the corner dropkick but was met with knees to the gut. A rushing spear was countered into a bodylock and brainbuster attempt. I don't recall seeing that done before - nice. Roaring elbow and brainbuster give Aries the win. Wow. I thought they'd give Roode the win at Destination X this year after showing his loss before. Here, they've clearly established that Aries is the better man. I dig it. Roode got pissed and destroyed their 10 inch TV and threw chairs. LAX reunited but Chavo cock-blocked them and then tried to act cool. I guess since he's turning heel, this goofiness now works in his favor.

Doc was written out with Anderson saying that Knux's no-vote pushed him over the edge and made him turn in his cut. This is great since it explains the loss on the roster and gives them a way to have him return against the Aces. They showed clips of Homicide, Petey, and Sonjay before their match. Loved Cide just cuttering fools constantly. They hyped up TNA 10...a name that makes no sense since it's the ELEVENTH YEAR OF THE COMPANY'S EXISTENCE! Sonjay and Homicide have been feuding on Vine apparently. Petey set up a sharpshooter, but wound up doing a figure four/Indian Deathlock thing, then hiptossed Homicide at the same time. Petey just got his PHD in Nova-level bullshit there. Then he got headbutted off the top by Homicide. They did some goofy shit with a tree of woe to build up a snap Gringo Killer from HOmicide onto Petey. Sonjay, the least over or spectacular guy in it, got the win with the moonsault double stomp. Okay, so they're doing qualifiers to lead to Ultimate X next week for a new champ.

Kenny and Chavo got jobber intros so Hemme could say "INTRODUCING THIS IS MANIK", who still has a generic tron and theme. I see no reason to nix the existing tron and just take away the Suicide text. Ditto the theme - just take away the lyrics. It's a fine song otherwise. Manik did a goofy Indian Deathlock on King/suplex on Chavo combo. Second wacky deathlock combo move tonight. Some other goofy shit was done and Manik won with the wheelbarrow codebreaker.

They showed the Sabin video that started the show again. Well, it was pretty damn awesome. Hogan got a pep talk from Hogan, MAKE SURE THEY REMEMBER YOU. So maybe he's becoming a biker and Brooke will be married to three guys by year's end. Mafia came out. Joe in a suit giving a gang sign is hilarious. WEST SIDE! Sting, the 55 year old, comes off as less silly than Joe here. Huge MA-FIA chant broke out. Anderson cut a promo and looked 50 with their lighting/camera setup. Joe talked about the Aces drinking, and Rampage said he's thirsty...while grabbing his balls. Then they...teleported backstage, some stuff happened, and everyone but Angle got locked in a room. Angle got tossed in the back of a truck and kidnapped. So does this mean Angle's going to run around with a giant knife and a cock on his face now? Then again, if the truck hits a red light, he could just climb out.

Aries is live-tweeting, after Gail did it before. Rubix came out, then Rockstar Spud came out looking like a douchebag. Trent Baretta came out under his real name of Greg Marasciulo, which is goddamn impossible to remember. Thankfully, the crowd chanted Trent Baretta at him. They talked about Greg being weird, with a Bill Murray kneepad, and Abe Lincoln wristbands in both zombie and non-zombie forms. Nice Euro-FU handsign>enuiguri to Rubix from Spud, who looks really good out there. Trent did his wacky flip bump from that Drew match in dive form onto Spud. LOL. Rubix did a Van Terminator. Got a 2, of course. Trent won with a wackier version of Kaz's Fade to Black. Bully was on the phone with the driver. TAKE HIM TO THE SPOT. THAT EXACT ONE! Mickie came out looking hot mid-break.

The truck must've hit a red light, because Angle was not only free, but BACK AT THE BUILDING. Mickie managed to put over the ladder match without mentioning it and putting herself over by showing clips of her performance. It was the equivalent of the moon landing AND THE INVENTION OF THE TWINKIE! Gail came out and said that she's delusional and all people talked about was her history-making ladder match last week. Mickie-Gail is next week. Mickie's contract dictates that she needs a certain amount of space and oxygen, but Gail is invading both of them! This led to Mickie giving her performance five stars, going for a slap before a five-star catfight broke out with upskirts and asscrack aplenty. Aries, WHO SHOULD BE LIVE-TWEETING, met with Sabin. Aries gave him a pep talk and between this and Angle coming back, they really set up that Sabin had a chance to win. Main event match is up at 10:35, so they're either giving it a ton of time, or giving it a fair amount of time to have a big angle after it.

AJ talked about the X division being his past, and Hardy being his future next week. AJ came off as a whiner. They hyped that up and the UX match. I hope Sonjay wins simply due to him never holding it, but Trent is probably the best way to usher in a new era with the new belt and make it at least appear like one on a superficial level. A kid in Hardy paint and with a toy TNA belt did Hardy's poses and was somehow more hammy than Tenay. Sabin came out in his regular trunks again, which helps make him seem more focused as a singles guy than a former MCMG member. Bully was awesome here trapping Sabin in the corner and saying he'd take his knees out and call his shot and still win. Sabin manned up and said he'd beat him. Great stuff so far.

They started with a wishbone tease, and Bully got kicked away. Tenay said he wasn't betting on Sabin. They had a sick chest slap off. Sabin's chest is already fucked up after like three shots. Aces came out, then the Mafia came out. Well, so much for this being about the world title match. Sabin was thrown from the ramp to mid-ring by Bully. Then Bully talked shit to Rampage. In a strange bit of framing, Angle is on the same side of the ring as ALL OF THE ACES. Bully locked on some sort of legbar on Sabin. He unlaced one of Sabin's boots, then slammed the knee that doesn't have a brace on it into the mat. Bully then ripped off the kneepad, making Sabin's legs look super-skinny. He did the RNR leg roll move, which I never expected to see him bust out. Devon yelled at Bully to fuck him up, which wasn't censored. More with Bully and Rampage. They seem to be setting up Rampage costing Bully the title here. Punch to the knee from Bully.

This isn't a bad match, but feels a bit too slow-paced. It still feels like a big deal though, and the super-hot crowd is helping a lot. Sick overhead chop to a downed Sabin. Irish whip attempt from Bully, but Sabin's knee gave way. Sabin went up top like Savage would with a knee injury, but got crotched and superplexed. Bully talked more shit to Rampage. Things are getting more exciting as things are clearly coming to an end fairly soon. Bully Bomb countered into an enzuiguri. Missile dropkick sends Bully into the ref. Five million guys came in and brawled with the ref apparently declared dead or deaf due to him not coming aroudn at all here. Rampage seemed to slip throwing a punch on the ramp. Hammer came into play. Powerbomb was countered with the hammer. SABIN WINS THE TITLE! It's a shame it wasn't in a better match, but at least it wasn't just due to the work of others.


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Monday, July 15, 2013

Raw 7-15-13

They really need to update the Raw intro video - it seems weird to even think of the PTPs as being a big enough deal to be worthy of it. Brad Bischoff got a drumroll. His first decision, other than making Vickie a host now, is making Dolph-Alberto. What does the SD GM do exactly? It used to be that they'd be at least in charge of the US and WHC, but now, the Raw GM has power over everything. They showed pics of Henry tapping, and the shot of the belt made it seem like CHAMPION really should have some color to it. Cena's out and likes being booed BECAUSE IT'S ENERGY! Mr. Mad-ox has enjoyed Cena since he was a teenager and he'll allow Cena to name his opponent for Summerslam, leading to a YES chant. Cena said he could fight Dok Hendrix, Dutch Mantell, Cole OR EVEN A BELLA TWIN. Thank God, Orton came down to...in theory minimize this monotony. Orton said he wouldn't be stupid enough to waste his case by giving someone notice like Cena did last year, so he'll do it by surprise. Fandango then came out and thank God, he got a huge reaction. Good to see him as a star again. Orton was gobsmacked by him saying he'd be WWE Champion due to the deal tonight and then he tried to teach Cena how to say his name, but was punched by Orton. Everyone was pretty good in this except Cena, and it dragged on a tad despite not being really long.

They came back with the match and Orton clothesline Fandango on the floor, which he sold by bending into a weird pose. JTG days of employment sign made TV. JBL called Fandango a mix of MC Hammer and GSP. Randy Savage chant, then a JBL one. This is like the post-Mania Raw, which ruled. Shoulder smash into the steps from Fandango led to the ad break and him posing on the steps.
FANDANGO HAS BEEN DOMINATING RANDY ORTON ALL THROUGHOUT THE WWE APP! according to Cole. Maddox, Cena, and Bryan are trending on Twitter. Big superplex got a pop, and looked a bit weird. Draping DDT off the buckles. Summer Rae's panic is hilarious, and a swank RKO wins this one. Fandango lost, but came off as a way bigger star here than he did last night. They showed AJ costing Dolph the match, and good lord did he look orange compared to his look on SD. He broke up with AJ and they showed Henry walking backstage in a glorious black suit with white and purple tie.

 He came out and said he gave it everything, but that Cena beat him. The crowd said he tapped and he said he sure did, and he'd tap them out too! He said he wanted to be his opponent again since he took him to his limits, then the Shield came out. Henry stood his ground. Viva la face turn! He fought valiantly, but fell to the spear and then ate the triple powerbomb. This got a holy shit chant and was an outstanding babyface turn. I was expecting that at some point, just not like this - Henry versus any of them should be pretty fun. Dolph-Alberto is next. 

MITB HAD OVER 35 WORLDWIDE TRENDS ON TWITTER! Jericho met with Maddox, who wants to pick up some food for his mom. Jericho has aged 5 years in a day, and Jericho will face RVD later because he's a former WWE Champion. Brad being booked as Ryan Howard from the Office is greatness. Alberto came out and a chick opted to check her texts instead of look at him. Dolph came out and I wondered if this was a title match or not. They've talked about it being a rematch, but haven't explicitly said it's a title match. Dolph hit ten (counted by the fans) elbows and King said they brought back bad memories for him. I'm surprised WWE didn't tell him to stop referencing that after the PPV. Cole plugged watching MITB photos on WWE.com, viewable on your computer, tablet, or phone! Alberto's Stinger splash missed, but Dolph's didn't. His Hart Attack looked terrible, but technically hit. He then tried to kill himself by being thrown over the top rope to the floor and doing the world's biggest belly flop on the floor. He's going to have a Hardy-level pill problem in five years.

They came back with Cole being flustered over the MITB match...PPV...last week...last night... Dolph countered the corner kick with a tornado DDT. Rope avalanche from Alberto missed, and he got dropkicked into the ring trying to get back in. Alberto hit a German suplex that Dolph couldn't take 90 bumps for because he held onto it. Standing armbar setup was countered into a swinging neckbreaker for 2. The hot crowd is making this already-good match seem like something special. Dolph hit a crappy Fameasser off the second rope. The bell rang thanks to AJ, leading to a superkick and a win for Alberto. Cole was confused as to why this happened, and JBL pointed out that it was for revenge OBVIOUSLY. AJ sissy-slapped Dolph a bunch before Big E steamrolled him. Big Ending led to AJ kissing Dolph as he was out cold. Great stuff all around here. I'm really looking forward to seeing Big E doing his Dolph catch spot again and then just chuck him wherever.

Truth came out for his first appearance since the death of his sister with the rap and two fans in Sandow shirts going nuts for it. The Wyatts came out, and man is their theme easily the best theme in ages to listen to outside of a wrestling context. Rowan and Harper destroyed him. Crowd popped huge for Wyatt leaving his chair. Truth came back with a chair, stood up to Wyatt in mid-ring in a Christ pose, and then got trapped and beat down and taken out with a Knox Out. Nice little touch with him kissing Truth's head before doing the move. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS! They're over TNA HQ. App vote involves picking someone to face the Real Americans next.

They showed the same Performance Center vid from MITB. HHH was shown as EVP, so is he that or COO on-air? Zeb is against hearing Chinese and Greek, and if this is the melting pot...ty, it should be called the porta-potty. Zeb asked Cena to pick one of his men. A lot of people did the We the People bit. The Usos won the vote, which is a minor shame since I was hoping we'd get a promo form Zeb on America's caloric intake. U-SO bit actually got a huge reaction, so their push via actual TV time and the Shield feud has done them some good. King used JBL's "speaking Dutch" joke from last week. Cesaro's deadlift gutwrench suplex was countered into a sunset flip after a couple minutes into a pin. Well, that was certainly a thing that will likely lead to a Main Event rematch. 

They said Jericho-RVD would be RVD's first match on Raw in 6 years. Pretty sure he faced Santino in very late '07. Be a Star ad aired. Bullying can happy anywhere, like on the show talking about how bad bullying is. Sandow came out to sadly not talk, but instead face Christian. I like that he's out in gear that matches his shirt. Sucks that his teeth got all fucked up though - dental repairs are expensive as shit. This should be Sandow's best match yet, and a big enough name for him to get a believable win over now. A "you screwed Cody" chant broke out. Maybe he'll cost Sandow this match. King called Christian, who's nearing 40, young. Elbow of disdain was countered into a jackknife pin for a flash win. I'm shocked Sandow lost clean, but at least it led to him still being YOUR INTELLECTUAL SAVIOR OF MONEY IN THE BANK! Cody, in his wacky commentator's outfit, attacked Sandow. 

A moving Cena vs. Roster graphic aired to hype up Summerslam. If it was Hunter, he'd just face all of them instead of just one. An ad for Suits talking about "goddamned loyalty" aired. Cody should've said that. 1-800-FELLA and the Brogue kick cure the hiccups. What the hell do these goofy skits have to do with Sheamus's current character? Vickie annoyed the shit out of fans asking for them to vote for her to be reinstated, complete with sandwich board and megaphone. The Bella with pelvic tats faces Naomi. King advocated watching Total Divas via DVR. The crowd wanted puppies and Cole talked about the Bellas only getting breaks because they're good looking. Cole talked about them also dating WWE superstars. My God, the hype for this show makes it seem impossible to care about. The crowd OLEd and Naomi won with a crossbody off the top. Cole said that Heyman PERHAPS cost Punk the case last night. PERHAPS!?

Punk came out in his Gracie hoodie and shorts, which show off his ankle tat and make his legs look skinny. He said Paul and Brock were in the building and ordered them to come out. Heyman did. He cut one of his best promos yet. He said that CM Punk has no family, no wife, no kids, and is estranged from his mother and father. All he has in the fans, and he did what he did to take the title, the thing that validates him, away from him. Paul had to swear on his children, which was fine because they gave him clarity - why doesn't Punk listen to Paul like Brock does? Also, CM PUNK CAN'T BEAT BROCK LESNAR! Punk responded by swearing on Paul's kids that he'll get Paul. Other than Punk having one mad face here, this ruled. Paul did Punk's deal on the ramp then said IT'S CLOBBERING TIME! Brock came down and they brawled. It's Team Deathclutch vs. Gracie JJ. They brawled on the table, then he F5ed him on it without removing shit first. Punk refused medical help and got up using the announce table. This was awesome. 

They came back and had Cole recap everything at 10,000 miles per hour. And then they did a Total Divas ad. WHY HERE!? This is totally impossible to take seriously. Khali said something about Summerslam to Cena. Maddox was in his office with a MID-SOUTH WRESTLING DVD poster and Steph told him to be quiet because she was on the phone. Steph, after last week liking the idea of having the fans decide Vickie's fate, had an issue with Brad allowing Cena to decide who he faces. RVD came out in a new badass singlet while Jericho's intro will happen either after the break or on the app. 

RVD did the splits on the ropes, which is one of those little things that doesn't make him seem his age. Nice headstand into a kip up by RVD. "YOU STILL GOT IT" chant. JBL called Jericho and RVD ageless. Not sure I'd bring up their ages in any way. They did some moves before going to an ad break. An RVD bodyscissors brought the match back from the break. Jumping legdrop over the top rope to the apron was the app move. Walls was blocked, but led to a slingshot where RVD was slung into the corner and sort of did a Vader bomb on the mat. Looked a bit weird. Outside-in suplex was countered by RVD into a flip and superkick. Another bodyscissors by RVD. It's like  RVD's version of the chinlock. Double leg pickup cradle led to a powerbomb from Jericho. That didn't quite look as smooth as it should've. Apron moonsault from RVD looked good. This led to the third ad break for the match as a whole. Crowd chanted THIS IS AWESOME for the moonsault. This is awkward would've been more fitting given how clunky a lot of things are coming off. 

Generic armbar from Jericho brought the match back. I think this is the main event match, which is kind of surprising given that it wasn't built up much. But, it's a great way to re-establish RVD as a big deal. RVD went from jobbing to Kenny King with a botched finish to main eventing on Raw six months later. Kudos to him for that. Lionsault missed awkwardly. VINTAGE RVD DDT SELL! I hope Jake and RVD are in the Rumble together just for that to be done. Another superkick from RVD. Jericho got crotched on the buckle, leading to the split-legged moonsault to do a similar sorta-miss/sorta-hit deal like the Lionsault. SOMERSAULT BODYBLOCK OFF THE TOP from RVD. That was crazy. Rana led to a Walls. Cole called it a Liontamer for some reason. Five Star frog splash won and honestly, RVD should just retire right now, because that's about as good a match as he's going to have, with a super-hot crowd, and he won. They showed the same awesome, if a bit hokey Summerslam young-to-old vid from MITB.

The roster is on the ramp to be chosen. And Ryder's there too. Cena just can't choose yet. Apparently, EVERYONE's been coming up to him all night. Strange since we only saw like two of those skits. And he can't choose because THE WWE UNIVERSE WAS LEFT OUT! He needs the help of the Universe, which gets a YES YES YES chant going. Cena just loves the fans so gosh-darned much, even those that don't like him God bless 'em! Cena gave Heath a birthday shoutout, then did the "don't hinder Jinder" bit. RVD got a huge pop. Sheamus got tons of boos. They teased Bryan, then had a huge YES chant and DANIEL BRYAN chant. Cena picked Bryan in a sort of blase manner, but the giant chants made up for that. Bryan Danielson is about to main event Summerslam against John Cena for the WWE Title...gotta say I never figured that would happen ever.


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WWE MITB 2013

WHC MITB match was crazy stuff. Ambrose, Cody, and Cesaro came off with their stocks higher after it due to what they did. Cody was an organic babyface throughout it and I loved his dropkick to stop the stack-up grab attempt by the Real Americans. Crazy pulldown>Euro uppercut stuff ruled too, and should make for a good tag finisher since Swagger can just chuck fools off the top like a rocket launcher into the uppercut. Ambrose skinning the cat was something new, and this was easily the highlight reel match of the night. I'd like to see Ambrose use the draping headlock driver as a finisher at some point, and I'm looking forward to Sandow as Mr. MITB. His promos alone should be glorious.

The Maddox deal went on for ages, but at least had a funny video. Axel-Miz was a match. Glad Axel won. Hopefully his redone McGullicutter gets a name and he can actually beat dudes with it on a regular basis. AJ-Kaitlyn was decent, and aided by just being about the arm since it kept things simple. Ryback-Jericho was okay, but the schoolboy, beyond being overused, seemed to at least set up a future match on Raw or SD where Ryback can send him backing with his proper finishing sequence and/or a post-match assault.

Alberto-Dolph was really good and the crowd was shockingly hot for it. Alberto as an antagonist at this semi-main event level works well. The DQ finish was an effective way to set up the Dolph-AJ split and also have Dolph lose when he can't afford to. I'm not sure why Cole said HE'S GOT THE KNEE BRACE EXPOSED, THIS IS AWFUL or somesuch during a superkick attempt, but whatever.

Cena-Henry told a fine story and I hope Henry brings back the giant swing into his regular rotation. Speaking of which, him only doing one revolution with it was surprisingly since Cesaro did like a dozen of them, and into the barricade at that, not too long ago. WWE Title MITB was less of a spectacle, but saw Sheamus come off as a tough guy for enduring some sick bumps. RVD looked as much like the RVD of old as humanly possible, and even busted out a splash from the top of the super-high ladder. He ate some good stuff here, and timed the pulldown>RKO finish perfectly. I loved the Heyman heel-er turn on Punk, and the timing of everything in it was glorious. Sick amount of blood from Punk too. Each ladder match was satisfying in a different way, with the WWE Title one progressing more stories and the WHC one being crazier.

Friday, July 12, 2013

SD 7-12-13

The regular SD intro is starting things again, which still seems odd after months of them doing the expository one for so long. Sheamus-Orton is tonight's main event...for some reason. They showed Bryan being a complete dickhead to Punk and Orton on Raw. Cole can't IMAGINE AN MITB MORE ANTICIPATED THAN SUNDAY...how about Punk's 2 years ago? Christian's black, purple, and white gear looks sharp - WWE should use purple more for their own stuff. It looks more modern than their black, white, and red-heavy logo. Christian got a missile dropkick 2 minutes in and was already doing the clapping bit. Cole talked about Cena failing with his cash-in ONE YEAR AGO at Raw 1,000. It doesn't feel like a year since 3 hour Raws became the norm. Flying knee led to the ad break, where they ran a post-MITB Raw ad. Hard to believe the show is only 2 days away. AMAZING bump over the top rope by Christian. Cole said the Yes/No lock is now the Yes lock, or maybe the schitzo lock. Bossman-style uppercut to prevent the suicide dive from Bryan. Great spot there.

Christian's tornado DDT was blocked leading to the swank kicking combo which Christian escape for a spear attempt which itself was countered into MORE KICKING. This is a super-fun match so far. Corner dropkick led to him going for it again only to eat a spear instead. This is awesome chant is breaking out. Allie oop into the buckle led to the sunset flip attempt off the top being countered into the Yes lock. THIS RULED. Teddy was on the phone in another expository conversation about the show. Dolph is dressed in a black blazer and a black and grey shirt that may or may not be AJ Styles'. Dolph was given the night off and told that Sin Cara faces Alberto, and Teddy wasn't to be fired like Vickie, so he banned him from ringside. Dolph said he'd be champ at the PPV. I hope so, because the title feels worthless on Alberto. Vickie recap vid is coming after the break.

Rollins is out for a match with an Uso. THE PRE-SHOW IS ON TWITTER. Nice little match here, with the Shield getting foiled by the brothers. The Uso got crotched on the rope and hit with the flying curb stomp. Great-looking finisher there. NOW the Vickie vid is up. It's the same overly-long deal from ME. Axel-Jericho is up next in a fine example of a match being given a reason for happening and yet no build beyond IT'S NEXT!

Nope, first we need to know that SD WAS MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE THAN DATELINE! They showed Axel and Miz's deal on Raw, and I noticed that King's monitor just had WWE's logo on it constantly. Miz looks like an annoying douche in his MITB graphic hype video. Ryback faces Miz later. GO RYBACK! Codebreaker turned into the stun gun by Axel. That's the first time I recall that counter, and it's a great one for a mid-sized guy like him to use. This led to the ad break. Axel seems so much more comfortable as a semi-main event guy than a sorta-main event one. Nice forearm rub into Jericho's face when they came back. Ditto the SAY HI TO JERICHO taunt leading to rope crossfaces. Short back suplex looked rather vicious by Axel. JBL talked about Axel being a relative rookie compared to Jericho, which just seems odd since they're only 9 years apart in age. Walls leads to a cradle and a 2. Run-up enzuiguri got 2 for Jericho. HUGE backdrop over the top bump from Axel. This has been an outstanding hour of TV matches. Axel hit the Axe and said I TOLD YA JERICHO! Codebreaker on the ropes led to a countout win for Jericho. This really put the Codebreaker over as a huge move and I like it when a countout also shows that someone could've beaten someone legitimately. Axel mildly damaged the announcing area afterwards showing some rage. This was great stuff. Hopefully this leads to another Jericho-Axel match, preferably where Axel sends Jericho out of action. Wyatt vid is coming up later. Miz is out and his intro gets an ad break while they FINALLY SHOW MITB CLIPS...to hype up watching the PPV on your phone.

Miz's tan is all over the place. His stomach is dark, but his pecs are pasty-white. They showed Ryback quitting via kicks to the leg nearly 2 weeks ago. Amazing. And it gets better - they showed him getting hit with a Codebreaker afterwards. Odd to not have Ryback do anything to Jericho given that this match is happening right after Jericho's. This started with Ryback being outwrestled in a collar-and-elbow tie-up with Miz. Nice snap slam from Ryback, who got major Goldberg chants. Head bash. This is dragging. Basic slam. Ryback is sucking wind. Running knee from Miz missed by a mile. Yakuza kick didn't. KneeDT led to the kicks to the leg in the corner again. This beating is way more severe than the Raw one - they should've used this for it instead of just the lame kicks before. Ryback said he heard something pop, but valiantly said to not stop it. He faked out Miz, hit the clothesline and Shellshock to win. They kept up with him having an injury by hobbling with each move, and that he wasn't faking the injury, but instead outsmarted Miz. They should've done this whole deal from the start without him quitting. Renee welcomed her guest at this time, Sheamus, who will tonight be facing Randy Orton, one of his opponents in the all-stars MITB match. Sheamus, instead of talking about facing his Celtic Vipers partner, told jokes and filling the case with alcohol. He thinks she's cute, too. AJ and Kaitlyn's giant boobs walked backstage for THE FIRST-EVER DIVAS TITLE CONTRACTS SIGNING.

All of the divas, and Big E, are in the ring for this for whatever reason. Maybe so Teddy can exposit about things. AJ won me over with OH LOOKIE COOKIE, THE SISTERHOOD OF THE SPARKLY PANTS IS HERE! AJ was sadly stifled by Teddy. Kaitlyn signed and the fans booed. AJ's now threatening Kaitlyn with texts to her admirer. She apparently said stuff about Nattie, and the Funkadactyls. Then Big E, A WHIZ WITH TECH AND FINGER POINTING, pointed to the tron with another text. Odd that no one is actually saying that AJ, THE HEEL, could be lying about these things. EGADS, THEY SHOWED A CLOSE-UP OF KAITLYN'S LIPS! Loved her talking shit to AJ, standing up to AJ by trapping her in the corner with the table, then SLAPPING THE SHIT OUT OF BIG E and spearing the daylights out of AJ. This was shockingly great stuff. Fandango faces Barrett tonight due to their skit on Raw.

Barrett got no intro, while Zeb and THE REAL AMERICANS are out. Summer Rae's orange outfit is hot, and a fan's finger sign made me think that they need to make him some foam fingers. The stupid Raw skit was shown. Loved Zeb saying he isn't Sylvia Browne - he can't predict the future when Cole asked what would happen if it came down to Cesaro and Swagger. Fandango danced away from Barrett at one point. Zeb insulted the Rhodes Scholars saying they couldn't even pass a GED test. Fandango's gear now has fringe on it, which is even better. TRS came out. It is impossible to pay attention to the match, which is fine since it ended with a schoolboy. Mid-card SD match ends with a schoolboy. Shocking. Fandango's coming off like a smart babyface here. THERE WAS NO CONTROL HERE, or when the Wyatts debuted on Raw. Kane won't be competing in the MITB match. I'm fine with that - gives the show another hook with a replacement and puts over the Wyatts as a violent group even if the attack itself was a bit silly. Same recap vid from ME aired.

THE GREATEST STARS OF THE '90S DVD is in the top 10 of the week for sports DVD. Why, I have no idea since it's from '09. Maybe it's on super-sale at Wal-Mart or something. Alberto came out and they showed fans holding the title up high in tribute to him. Sin Cara came out and was shockingly pale compared to usual. JBL talked about it not being him. Cole talked about him showing off and hitting the Zig Zag and how it COULDN'T BE ZIGGLER since Teddy told him he couldn't come out here. And that he's just having fun like Dolph. This was the best wacky Dolph bit yet. Vickie screeched about shit. She had a ticket, but since she ripped it up, she was ejected. And also, just having a ticket doesn't allow you to be around ringside. Didn't seem to affect Cena when he was fired. This seemed rather pointless.

RVD hype vid aired. It's strange to see RVD get the biggest build ever in WWE at this point in his career, but they're handling it perfectly. Teddy met with Sin Cara, with black hair behind the mask, while Dolph showed up and Cole did his goofy fake laugh. Main event is up. Sheamus came out and they said the All-Stars match was now just down to 6 guys. Sheamus and Orton exchanged strikes, went to the floor and Orton went to throw him into the steps before Sheamus blocked with his foot, then walked right into a clothesline. Nice spot. MITB on the app ad replayed. Orton's chinlock brought it back from the ad break. ON THE WWE APP, THE NEW WAY TO WATCH TV, showed Orton smacking Sheamus's back on the barricade. So why he went for a chinlock instead of a back-affecting move is beyond me. Chinlock with a bodyscissors now. Somehow, AJ was trying to blackmaiil Katilyn according to Cole. How, I have no idea since she never really made her do anything in exchange for not showing them. Stun gun led to the clubbering. Finlay roll came out right after that, in a new way of doing existing spots. Sheamus got crotched on top after the first attempt at the superplex was blocked. How he's slugging his way out of it again, but it leads to them tumbling to the floor. Bryan's out with a ladder again. He hit them both with a ladder, leading to a DQ or something. Sheamus prevented Bryan from climbing, while Christian prevented him from climbing. Then Christian climbed, but was topped by Sheamus...this is absolutely ridiculous SINCE THIS CASE HAS NOTHING IN IT. Bryan tipped Christian OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER to the ropes to send him down. RKO stopped Bryan from climbing again, so Orton could get it. This was really goofy. It made sense for Byan to do this on Raw since he's overcoming the weak link deal, but everyone else doing this made them seem a bit stupid.





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Thursday, July 11, 2013

TNA Impact 7-11-13

Pre-show hype vid after Cops hypes up the Gail-Taryn ladder match. The proper opening vid focused on the X Title situation over the past few weeks. Brooke's engagement got a mention due to the Aces recap, and Magnus joining MEM was showcased as well. For some reason that can't be fathomed, they showed Sabin's promo. Bully's threatening the camera guy and saying that HOW DARE BROOKE GET ENGAGED while still being married to him. Tenay is being silenced by the loud music while talking about the Joker's Wild tourney and gauntlet. Tenay gave Bully the talk to the hand bit. Bully's a man who does bad things, to bad people. No word on if he does them with Rikishi and does them for the Rock though. It seems odd for TNA to go from LAS VEGAS to Louisville, KY. Makes next week's show seem a bit rinky dink, even though it's a PPV-level show. The MEM came out with Joe in his gear and Angle ACTUALLY WEARING HIS GOOFY AMERICAN FLAG SHADES! Real Estate Steve grabbed the mic and did a terrible New York mafioso accent while announcing that a new MEM member will be revealed tonight - new VP for the Aces too.

Velvet's boobs alerted everyone to a ShopTNA site deal. Christy's let us know who would be in the opening Joker's Wild tag. Hardy's first out, then Park came out waving like a very special child. Emo AJ's teaming with Joe. Park got kicked in the leg and Taz compared him to a JOHNNY PUMP - that's a fire hydrant for non-NYers. Taz talked about being world champ before, having theme rides named after him, and Tenay just outright told him to stop putting himself over and focus on the guys in the ring today. AJ got the calf killer, and Park made the save by going for a stomp, but then going for a double sledge instead. Flying forearm from AJ led to a choke from Joe and a win. This was shockingly good stuff. AJ and Joe qualify for the gauntlet later.

Taryn's boobs worked out backstage. Joker's wild match 2 is up with Jay Bradley, with the world's most generic theme and tron starting. Bradley's angry about teaming with Supermex. They were opponents last week, but that really shouldn't matter now since Hernandez is a tag guy and this bodes well for them winning. Anderson's out looking retired again and he has to team with Magnus. Boy does this seem like a total waste of "lead face group teams with lead heel group.". It'd be like Hall teaming up with a Steiner in '96 or something along those lines. Taz talked about weather, leading to Tenay asking if he worked for Spike or the Weather Channel. Tenay is great tonight. Taz rooted for DECAPITATION on Magnus. Anderson left, so Magnus just got clubbed, but still won with a schoolboy. Taz sang some more and Tenay begged him to please stop. Aries talked to Roode about how it took the whole company to take him down. Bad Influence met with them, and CD has Captain America's shield on his getup now.

ANOTHER FUCKING TAG MATCH is next. They should've spaced these things out because I'm officially done with tag matches tonight. Daniels is teaming with Aries, while Kaz teams with Roode. Yet another wacky mismatched tag team here. Daniels and Kaz tagged in, but avoided working against each other. Roode and Aries did basic chain-wrestling. Digging Roode's black and grey gear. Loved the discus forearm with a snap to it from Aries. Aries went for a brainbuster on Kaz, but was prevented, and then a blind tag led to Daniels tagging himself in to save Kaz, but getting cradled while Aries tripped on the ropes to try and make a save. Dug the finish.

The Hogans met in a dark area with Hulk IN A LEOPARD-PRINT DOORAG! Hulk Hogan is angry for some reason that they should've talked about. Bully met with the Aces and talked about D'Lo being gone. I thought he was just on super-duper bike-washing probation. They took a vote that was hard to either care about or hear due to the other talking over the loud speaker going on. Anderson's the VP. Knux and DOC had words afterwards. That could actually be a fun little match. Christy's boobs got a closeup while Mickie came out to sit at ringside. Gail's IT'S ME Twitter handle reminds me of DDP's WWF gimmick. Taryn's tron is her lips in close-up. Crazy spear from the ring to the ramp from Taryn. I'm amazed she didn't smash her elbow up. Gail had the ladder smashed against her stomach in a ramp, but thankfully Taryn just dropkicked it further into her stomach instead of doing a ramp spot. Taz came in and immediately took the focus away from everything while Tenay clued him in onto what a ladder match was. They teased the ringpost figure four, but Taryn kicked her to the mats for an ad break.

They came back and did a fall off the top of the ladder, which was just a transition into Gail ducking under the ladder on a whip only to have it thrown into her face. Gail was KOed with the ladder around her, so Taryn had to get another one and THANK GOD ABOVE they actually had one under the ring. They teased a ladder bridge splash, but Gail moved. THE LADDER FIGURE FOUR MADE ITS DEBUT. I'm amazed HBK didn't use that at some point. Taryn was able to climb up after, but couldn't go up to the tippy top, so when Gail got up after being choked out on top of it, Taryn just dove on her. TREMENDOUS stuff so far. They fought on the ladder bridge, but a Cutter was countered so Taryn just went splat. Eat Defeat got countered into a dragon sleeper in the ropes, which led to Taryn's hair getting tied into them. THIS RULED! This was perfect in the sense that it's impossible to imagine it being any better than it was. Kurt and Sting met backstage, with Sting not as the Joker in a Joker-colored chair. Sting's red Batphone rang with the new MEM guy.

After the 90th playing of the puppy brother ad, they came back with them saying he'll be out soon. Gauntlet is up and Tenay talked about AJ being at a disadvantage being first. Well, that's true, but a bit ridiculous since it's just got six guys in it. Speaking of things being overplayed, Magnus came out to the MEM theme for the 55th time it's been heard tonight. They did some moves. Kaz came out. More moves. JOE CAME OUT TO THE FUCKING MEM THEME!

They came back with the crowd chanting KENNEDDYYYY with Ken in the ring. Lots of punches. This feels like a Royal Rumble with nothing but mid-carders in it and you're just waiting for stars to come out. Sadly, they're all in this. More KENNEDY stuff. Anderson was eliminated, leaving it as a Roode-Magnus singles match. They teased a cloverleaf win, but delivered one for Magnus with a schoolboy. Sabin walked backstage dressed like a created skater in Tony Hawk 2. He has to choose between accepting mediocrity as X champ or going for a shot at the gold. Hogan came out at 10:50 to suck the oxygen out of the room. Hogan, in his leopard-print doo-rag, talked about GOTSTAGOTSTA saying something. He talked about being around the best...and Chris Sabin. Maybe he's having Kidman flashbacks. Bully came out. More talking. I can't pay attention to anything but the middle-aged fan in the crowd in a yellow shirt making faces. Sabin talked to Bully like he was a teenager until he put himself over and talked about PINNING BULLY IN TEAM 3D'S RETIREMENT MATCH. And being the only guy in the business to kick out of the 3D. That's a damn good point and something they should've shown before. Sabin cut a great promo here eventually. They had Bully threaten the Aces preventing Sabin from winning, resulting in the Mafia coming out with RAMPAGE. Given that, I can see them having Rampage punch Bully out to give Sabin the title win.

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