Monday, June 30, 2014

WWE Raw 6-30-14

The title match MITB match was the focus of the show-opening video. Reigns ran roughshod, but was stopped by Kane before Cena won. Cole calling him THE GREATEST CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY sounds bizarre. And it starts with HHH and Cole talking about Raw being at episode number 1,101! Steph says that she's from Hartford just like these people - and they should feel so privileged! Glorious. Steph and HHH put over Seth as the future and the MITB winner. THE NEON GREEN CHAMP IS HERE! THE ALWAYS-CONTROVERSIAL JOHN CENA! Cena wearing both belts as a necklace is a bit odd, but looks cool. Steph announced Cena on the WWE 2K15 cover AND DANCED! Cena said it wasn't right since they're being too nice since they looked distraught - Steph said they were just concerned for Randy Orton. Cena told HHH to CHEEL MAN! Cena was told to show some respect, he said he'd do things the hard way to not kiss ass, and HHH said he'd defend the title at Batleground in a fatal 4 way - complete with Steph wackily explaining it. Then Cena killed the fun by saying it would be as fun as swimming in a pool of crap. IT WAS A POOL OF CRAP! DID YOU GET THAT! IT WAS A POOL OF CRAP. SHIT. FECAL MATTER. POOP! Seth came out as a reminder that he's the case-holder and he'll  be in action next.

Why is Bonk on RVD's singlet? With both guys 24 hours removed from the most brutal MITB match of the night, they did as little as possible to do things without killing themselves. RVD countered the running buckle bomb with a rana! AMAZING. I demand that counter be in the games. Seth eats a dive off the top to the floor. RVD is looking great here all things considered. Curb stomp gets the win for Seth. Renee tried to interview him, but he was a smug pig who insulted the fans. Dean appeared on the tron. I appreciate Dean always looking like he's finished working on a car. Dean said he isn't mad he lost - he'll make peace with it by preventing Seth from cashing in at any time. Ambrose as the spoiler for him is fantastic!

SILENCE! LANA'S CLEAVAGE IS SPEAKING! Swagger and Zeb came out and Zeb said that the only reason she can speak her mind is because America has the freedom of speech. Zeb said he and BIGG HOSS couldn't go to Russia and do there what she does here. YAY! ZEB IS A FACE! Also Swagger. SWAGGER HIT TWO ARMDRAGS AND GOT A HUGE POP! This was his annual career-saving angle right here. Shame Swagger isn't the U.S. Champion right now. Sheamus and the Usos came out to face the Wyatts. Sheamus telegraphs a flying shoulderblock to the floor AND THEY MISS IT! Bray tagged in and Cole called him obscure. WHAT!? Bray led the crowd in song - awesome. JBL got a chant. Harper hit the spinning lariat on Jey to win - really fun stuff. A black version of Nikki Bell talked with Tom Phillips before Steph said she had a tag match against the Funkadactyls...but since her sister left, it'll be a handicap match. Nikki looked so ridiculous here. Cole hyped up the return of a FORMER WWE WORLD CHAMPION AND CROSS-MEDIA SENSATION TONIGHT!

HE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL - BO DALLAS! He demanded 60 seconds of silence for 2 superstars unable to compete tonight - Bad News Barrett and Bryan! THEY ACTUALLY GAVE HIM 60 SECONDS! It was amazing. He said he was the bigger man last night, leading to an elaborate video on Bryan. Nikki sure seems worried about this match. She almost showed concern. After burying JBL for not knowing a divas match, Cole said Cameron is now IT'S THEBOMB.COM YOU MORONS! THEBOMB.COM! WATCH THE PRODUCT! Naomi won fair and square with the falling reverse DDT. Funkadactyls fought because Cameron wanted the win.

They showed Special Olympians in the front row, including one that looks a lot like Cole. They announced that BNB suffered a separated a shoulder, showed the SD clip, and said he'd be out a number of months - so the title will be vacant until Battleground, when a battle royal is held. Cesaro is the number 1 seed in the battle royal. Kofi's out for a match. Kofi could become a 900 time IC CHAMPION! Or 5. Shocking that - Razor, HBK, Honky, and Perfect held it fewer times. Crowd wanted Ziggler. Don't worry fans, you'll get Ziggler - at the PPV, when he's tossed over the top. King made a jerkstore joke about Heyman in 2014. Cesaro teased a swing, but he attacked instead to not please the fans. Cesaro countered the fulcrum kick with a European uppercut to the neck while a CM Punk chant broke out. They had every match ever, went to a break AND KOFI WON ON THE APP! NOW THEY DO THAT!? Shouldn't they have done that week 1? Cesaro went nuts, threw him over the top and beat his ass throughout the building. They did the Bryan-Nigel post pull, but to the shoulder. Kofi won with a sunset flip fluke. Cesaro chucked him over the table and took Cole out before nailing a sick shortarm lariat on the floor. I demand the Coffee Maker become his new finisher. Santino was bummed about his party. ADAM ROSE BROUGHT IN SOME TWISTED TEA with Rosita. Yup. Give the kiddie acts a Twisted Tea plug. Wise move.

DAMIEN MCMAHON! Vince truly is retired. Sandow ran through Vince's deal as VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHONDOW! He entered himself into the battle royal and Steph was furious. She kept him in that match, BUT PUT HIM AGAINST KHALI! Chop got the win. THE CROSS-MEDIA MULTIMEDIA SUPERSTAR is next! I cannot even begin to remember what the fuck title they're using for this guy. The CROSS-PLATFORM MULTIMEDIA SENSATION, THE MIZ returned with a great entrance video in the style of a movie trailer, and he's got camera flashes. This is a bit too similar to Tyler Breeze with that, but it's amazing so far. I hope he cites the Calculon School of Acting and/or Larry Storch School of Acting here. He came back FOR ALL OF US! Miz should totally be having Maryse with him for this gimmick. JERICHO CAME BACK! HOLY SMOKES!  Miz said was he just going to stand there - I'M THE MARINE DAMMIT! Jericho took off the jacket, hit the codebreaker and was awesome. He said Raw was Jericho but THE WYATTS CAME OUT! Other than Jericho getting an even bigger tattoo on his left arm, this was all great! And then Cole said WYATT-2J!

Fandango's out to face Dolph, who wrestles Cesaro on ME. Dolph and Fandango had a nothing match until Summer came out to kiss Dolph. Dolph won with the Zig Zg. Dolph and Summer are a good pair visually. They recapped the Steph-Vickie stuff, which was amazing thanks to Steph's slow turn around spot. Rybaxel face Dos Dusts. Stardust has added hopping off the barricade, while JBL is calling them THE DUST BUSTERS! I hope they're presented by Black and Decker. Ryback did a fallaway slam before beating his chest sitting down - awesome. Stardust tagged in and ran wild with a disaster lariat and the double arm trap DDT. Stardust won with whatever his new finish is since that got a win before and this was just a Russian legsweep variant.

Paige came out to cut a promo, which was awful. AJ RETURNED! She got a huge CM Punk chant and put Paige over while bragging about being THE LONGEST-REIGNING DIVAS CHAMPION OF ALL-TIME who rubbed it in everyone's faces. Paige, the face, denied AJ's match request. Another CM Punk chant broke out. I'd say it's a double-turn, but AJ came out getting cheered. AJ won with a fluke cradle after Paige got cocky. THIS RULED! Can't wait for Paige's promo blaming the fans next week. So AJ's not only back, but she's champion. So...Punk's going into the HOF next year, right?

Sheamus is going to have a July 4th deal on SD. HHH is on commentary, but can't be heard. Reigns came out last for the faces, and a fan held up a WE'RE FROM BADSTREET USA sign. Orton hit a chinlock on Reigns. Good move by WWE to cool down the crowd with this match. Bad move since it's THE MAIN EVENT AND ALL. Guys did stuff for a while. Reigns and Orton brawled to the back. Kane grabbed the steps to bonk Cena and cause a DQ. Kane did the throat slash while a fan held up a CENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS sign. Kane tombstoned him and got a ONE MORE TIME chant. This would be the perfect time for Seth to cash in. HE DID, AND AMBROSE PREVENTED IT! TREMENDOUS! YES! Ambrose and Rollins instantly back as main eventers. Fuck it - keep this push and give either of them the IC Title so it will at least mean something for a bit. Reigns came back to spear Kane. He had a face-off with HHH, and that should be a hell of a test for Hunter. They were going for HHH-Taker here with the staredown and didn't quite get that. HHH backed down here, so it was still really good for Reigns as a whole.

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Sunday, June 29, 2014


Renee is the new host of the Kickoff and Booker T is getting a massive chant to start. Renee calls Christian the prince of ladder matches - he requests to be the FRESH PRINCE OF LADDER MATCHES. THE FRESH PRINCE OF LADDER MATCHES! Fucking Hell Christian, IT'S 2014! Tom Phillips is in the social media lounge now and said nothing of note. NOW we get a hype video for everyone in the title ladder match. Why they couldn't do this on their prior FIVE HOURS OF TV TIME this week, I have no idea. LOL @ Myzteziz going through the ladder. NUMBERS VIDEO. Again, not on TV before the PPV. They did some stuff, and Bryan came out live. He has no timetable to return and brought up losing strength and possibly needing more surgery. BO DALLAS BELIEVES HE CAN RECOVER! Bryan says he's acting like a I can't wait for HHH's promo about even he and "the old man" could come back from injuries quickly, while Bryan needs more surgery.

Nice hype vid to start. CHANGE IS GUARANTEED. THE CENA ERA COULD FINALLY BE UPON US! The use of replica belts in these videos looks terrible. They showed a cute blonde in a World Gym shirt before the Usos came out in sweet new silver and green gear. It's a unique color combo and it looks fantastic! KING HAS UNSCREWED THE DEW! Cole and JBL have not. One Uso got really ripped. Wyatts have the Raw kids singing the song in their intro, with ANOTHER NEW and shitty theme. I like the ankle and arm sleeve look for whichever Uso this is. JBL referenced Fritz when Rowan did the claw. Jimmy hits the Samoan drop on both guys, meaning Jey's in the rash guards. WHISPER IN THE WIND FROM JIMMY! Rowan catches one Uso, but the other does the USO CRAZY dive to the floor onto them! Running superkick from Jey sets up a schoolboy from Jimmy for 2. Harper bomb gets 2! Harper missed his dive, but it was sold and that had to hurt him. Double Simmons spinebuster from the Family gets 2.9! Rowan goes up top but gets crotched. Rowan is easily the most improved act this year. It's amazing how good he's become. DOUBLE SUPERPLEX TO ROWAN! Jimmy and Jey do back to back splashes for one, two...rewind...THREE! 3+ star match there. Of course I got a stream rewind right at 2.9.

Oh goodie - RAW REBOUND on the PPV covering the Shield breakup. Ambrose cuts a backstage Shield-style promo in his gear and the leather jacket. Reigns should really be doing these promos too - he seems like just another dude doing the regular ones. They fit Ambrose nicely though. Naomi and Cameron came out. Shocked to see them not in the death slot! They started this with the Benoit-Finlay inside-out collar and elbow tieup, then Naomi did a giant dive over the top! They do the super crossbody rollup shown in the Main Event recap, BUT played off it here by having Paige counter it. Naomi's ass fell out of her pants during an O'Conner roll reversal. They went for a superplex but fell to the apron and the floor. Ouch. Paige locked on a stump puller-ish thing before doing some nice running ranas. Paige won after killing her with death via the 187. On the WWE Network, Cole put over how amazing the WWE Network is and what an amazing value the WWE Network is and how the WWE App is the Gateway to the WWE Network. Big echo for the panel. NUMBERS VIDEO AGAIN!

Sandow came out as Paul Revere insulting Adam Rose. Good lord. Rose came out. There's a Nacho Libre outfit in 2014. Adam Rose looking like a middle-aged party-goer is just sad. JBL and Cole had a bit where they ignored each other. King said nothing. No one cared about any of this. Rose stole Naomi's face-to-ass move in the corner.  Rosita looks cute in her dress. THIS MATCH IS AWFUL AND THE COMMENTARY IS AMONG THE WORST OF THE YEAR! After 500 hours, THE ELBOW IS COMING, which ruled. Party Foul got the win. SILENCE for the victory. Lawler buries the notion of this match getting a replay. Jerry Lawler, who faced Frankenstein, dressed as Super King, and cut a promo on Batman thought this was stupid. OH GOODIE! GENERIC PROMOS OVER MUSIC!

MITB Case match is up. I hope Seth dives off an armored truck. Seth's tron and theme suck - the tron is just his name over and over. Swag's shirt's sucks. Too much like Barry Horowitz's back-patting one. First highlight was Kofi being knocked off the ladder onto the top rope for a dive onto the pile! BUTTERFLY SUPLEX ON A CORNER LADDER TO SETH FROM AMBROSE! How odd of Kofi to wear Redskins gear. Seth put a ladder through another ladder to take guys out - nice. SPINKICK INTO THE CORNER LADDER FROM RVD TO SETH! NICE SPOT THERE. ROLLING THUNDER ONTO A CORNER LADDER. WOW. RVD's definitely got something left. By golly, I think RVD's earned himself a win on Superstars with this performance! Kofi and RVD took Swagger out for a bit and then RVD struggled to get over for a flip over the top to the apron. Corner to mid-ring superplex setup from Swagger. What about this move makes any sense for Swagger? RVD escaped, but Seth prevented a dive leading to a SUPERBOMB OFF A LADDER FROM SWAGGER TO RVD! Seth's still up there, and gets superplexed off it by AMBROSE! I don't know if I'd go for a Windham-esque floatover for that kind of superplex. Swagger catapults Dolph into the ladder, causing it to bonk Dean. Swaggerbomb to Kofi on the ladder. King and JBL point out that being stupid. Dean and Seth brawled, Seth got knocked down resulting in Dean jumping down on Swagger with a tornado DDT.

Cool spot, but Dean landed right on his ass on that DDT. They had him sell the shoulder, leading to the doctor pulling him from the match and Seth teasing a win before RVD comes in. They brawled and Kofi, instead of knocking them down, built a ladder bridge. He backdropped Seth onto the bridge leading to a crazy bump AND HE NEARLY GOT THE CASE BEFORE DOLPH PREVENTED IT! FUCK YOU DOLPH! Dolph and Kofi go at it. DOLPH JUST MURDERED HIS SPINE ON THE ZIG ZAG! Every single one of them should think of what Mick's life is like now before doing this shit. Swagger gets the ankle lock on Dolph while he climbs. Dolph couldn't climb after that, but Seth knocked him down with a chair anyway. Crowd chanted for Dean. DEAN CAME OUT AND BEAT HIM UP WITH A CHAIR and swore. Dean nearly got the case, but THEDEMONKANE came down! I saw Seth in a glorified tin tool shed in Manassas, VA four years ago in ROH and now he's Mr. MITB after a year and half of main eventing in WWE. Amazing.

Orton buries Seth saying he needed all the help he could get tonight to win. Wow. They hyped up the Cougar Countdown. What the fuck is the color scheme on Ryback's singlet? I kinda dig Axel getting a singlet now - makes the team look a bit more team-ish now. Dos Dusts came out to Stardust's theme. Not even trying to pretend that Stardust isn't the star in this deal. Axel goes from fairly good trunks to a generic indy singlet. Yikes. I thought it was like a double Mr. Perfect singlet, and it kind of is, but looks bad. It's like an FPR singlet. THERE IS NO WAY TO SCOUT GOLDUST. Really now? Character's been around since '95, granted not that whole time, but there's a billion hours of him on the Network. JBL talks about the World Cup and Carlos on the SAT being so happy that his team won. There's a tag match going on too. "I STILL GOT IT!" Ryback Rules! Springboard elbow from Stardust! Shell Shock countered into Cross Rhodes for a 2.9 thanks to Axel. Axel misses a clothesline and bonks Ryback leading to a schoolboy win. Stardust's red contacts rule. This Bray Battleground video would be so awesome without the WWE logo in it.

Fandango triangle recap. God, the verbal description of this feud is just terrible. THEN WE GOT A VIDEO RECAP! Make that two recaps AND A PROMO. Summer said Layla was fake, Layla said she was fake and they bickered while Fandango wore a bedazzled ref shirt. Lana and Rusev came out while JBL talked about a Russian athlete without an explanation. Lana's cleavage told the USA to shut up! Big E's Coming to America promo is getting old. Rusev countered the apron spear with a knee. German suplex debuts for Rusev. Big E hits the belly to belly and they sell it that he's never been hurt like that before. Big E avoids the thrust kick and hits an overhead belly to belly. BIG E HITS THE SPEAR! She yells at Rusev. I hope she's yelling LOOK AT MY TITS in Russian. Big E got a 2.5 with that. Cro Cop kick on the apron takes out Big E! RUNNING SUPERKICK! LANA ORDERED CRUSHING. RUSEV COMMENCED CRUSHING! Accolade! I hope E either escapes or passes out instead of tapping again. Big E almost escaped, but it got re-locked in. They've got something with this series - I don't quite know what, but Rusev and Big E have either guy's best matches. OH THANK GOD MORE OF THE PANEL!Riley talked a bout how it's a guarantee Kane's helping Orton tonight. Dammit - Kane's winning. King laughed at the horrible Bryan-Bo jokes.

The Bellas talked. Steph rightfully pointing out why on Earth this fired woman is backstage. Brie "showed her clips on her phone." This phone stuff is just too goofy. It's like a sitcom going above a character's head for a clip. Steph referred to Brie as "a person." You're not a real person to Steph unless you have implants. WOO BOY HOWDY FELLAS WE DONE GOTS US SOME NASCAR! Or Diet Dew. Fandango and co. are in the death slot. NATIVE AMERICAN DEATHLOCK IN THE DEATH SLOT! CM PUNK CHANT! Cro Cop kick won clean for Layla. Summer "cried." I can't wait for this to be recapped on Total Divas as a shoot. Cole basically said "If you're watching on PPV, YOU'RE AN IDIOT - BUY THE NETWORK!"

A nice hype vid aired. The real stars of the ladder match main event - HHH AND STEPH came out. Sheamus came out with a truncated intro. Everyone else got a full intro. Big CM Punk chant starts it off. Cole said that the belts are together - so we're not getting a "one guy grabs a belt another guy grabs the other" finish. VINTAGE HOGAN bump for that chokeslam from Alberto there. I think Matt Hardy wore Roman's pants on the ROH PPV. CESARO HAS KNEE PADS! His new gear rules. He and Sheamus got up top, hung off the top and brawled. CESARO HELD HIMSELF UP WITH ONE ARM before falling. They showed a replay of Roman bonking Orton with the ladder on the head and showed him getting treated - like a fighting face, he fought back into the match. Orton's got a nasty cut on the top of his head. Orton, THE MAN WHO HAS NO ABSENCE OF MALICE, hit the draping DDT off the apron-table ladder bridge on the floor. THREE GUYS TRIED TO CLIMB ONE SIDE OF THE LADDER in a really stupid-looking spot. Cesaro is main-eventing a WWE PPV. This is amazing to see. Outside-in clubbering to Kane. Sheamus hit the backbreaker to ADR and the White Noise to Orton really scarily. Kick to Cena! They did a crazy teatering ladder spot with Reigns tipping them in one direction putting Sheamus in Cesaro in a tough spot. SUPER CENA MOVED THEM BACK. Reigns spears Kane. A lot of nothing is happening throughout this. They're either chanting "CENA SUCKS" or "THEY DID STUFF!" SUPERMAN PUNCH TO SHEAMUS ON THE TOP! Roman did the sliding kick on the announce table and the spear to Cesaro. Reigns is like a video game character with five finishers at the start of the match. LOOKLOOKLOOK! Wyatt prevents an Orton win, so Kane takes him out. Sheamus knocks ADR off the ladder and into a kick. CESARO'S IN! UPPERCUT! NEUTRALIZER! RKO TO CESARO! Cole gets out a HOLY COW! Reigns prevented an Orton win via ass reveal. Orton's head is now bleeding quite a bit. Cena AAs Kane...why he didn't do that ON THE LADDER TO PREVENT THE WIN I HAVE NO IDEA! And Cena, who did the least of anyone, won the match. Cena wins the title after doing less than anyone. YIPPY! Cena's losing the hair on the back of his head now.

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Friday, June 27, 2014

WWE SD 6-27-14

HHH, Orton, and Seth are mid-ring. They said a bunch of nothing before HHH did his THIRD BNB impression leading up to Barrett-Ambrose. I love Barrett's rope clinching knee/boot combo. Dean's jeans and wifebeater gear works for him, despite being theoretically similar to Harper. They did a terrible chinlock with Barrett's arm nowhere near the throat, and Barrett went for the pumphandle powerslam, but Ambrose escaped and did Nigel's lariat to set up Dirty Deeds and get the win. Swagger comes out and attacks Barrett. The two shoulder smashes into the barricade looked rough, and you can clearly see Zeb trying to get in the way of the second one and the ref giving the X sign when Barrett's down. Swagger and Ambrose brawled a bit before Seth shoved Dean into the steps from behind. 

Sheamus comes out before Bray cuts a promo and works in brown pants. They are quite unsightly and the white pants are a far better look. At least he's got matching shoes. Sheamus took a heck of a bump off the top for a throat thrust/punch from Bray. Love Cole asking "you ever try that in your day?" after the crossbody from Bray. Bray got locked in the cloverleaf and man has he lost weight. Also, the Family got in and caused a DQ before Uso brawling happened.

Paige beat Cameron with the Paige Turner and not the Modified Scorpion Cross Lock She Calls the PTO - Paige's Tap Out. Cameron shoved Naomi into Paige to force them to fight and basically act as a shit-stirrer. Goldust and Stardust did a wacky skit with Byron. I like the Stardust act as a way to continue the Goldust act to some degree after Dustin retires, but it's not amazing right now. Rybaxel faces the Dusts on MITB. RVD and Dolph face Cesaro and ADR next for God knows what reason beyond them being guys in the Title match. Heyman's on commentary and Cole said that he's never had a client win MITB. Heyman points out that he's correct - HE'S NEVER HAD A CLIENT IN ONE BEFORE. Heyman talked politics and Cole buried Hilary Clinton in the process. Heyman buried Cole as a hack, which JBL backs up and Cole says he doesn't get involved in politics leading to JBL asking how he A - got his job and B - kept it. The commentary is so amazing with Heyman out there and him putting over Cesaro at any possible point. Heyman cited HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERING THE UNDERTAKER'S WRESTLEMANIA STREAK as proof that Cesaro will win at MITB. ADR got the knees up for the frog splash and he floated into the armbar smoothly - this was a fun match that gained a lot with the commentary.

Renee in a cute yellow dress cut a promo with the Usos. Lana and her cleavage talked about Americans being fat, lazy, and impotent. Sin Cara got destroyed by him before Big E cut a street preacher promo that didn't quite come close to his Arsenio Hall impression from Raw. Vickie's deal was recapped. THEDEMONKANE and Roman Reigns had a bad match before Orton came down for a DQ and they both got laid out by spears and Roman held up both belts. This was a good tease to get people thinking he could win, but he is simply not ready to be the top guy now - DANIEL BRYAN can barely have a good match with Kane for goodness sake, and the heel depth is terrible right now.

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Thursday, June 26, 2014

TNA Impact 6-26-14

The Cops hype vid for Impact was cut off. I completely forgot about Roode's return. EY was just a bit player in all of this, and the Roode focus makes me think he's winning the BFG Series. Lashley is in a POWDER BLUE SUIT he appeared to steal from Vince. BPs-Taryn/Gail start the show off. Taryn has lost all of the baby weight and has quite the boob window on her gear. Angelina has aged five years since the last show. Taz said that Velvet's furry boots reminded him of Buzz Sawyer, while Tenay thought he'd mention John Nord. Brody comes to my mind first, but whatever. They pimped the TNA KOs calendar vote, and a banner deal. Super Hart Attack gets 2 for Taryn. We're getting Storm-Anderson in a rematch for whatever reason, and a Monster's Ball here on free TV. These Velvet camera angles are straight out Lacey Von Erich's fetish film. Taryn as the face in peril works, and the crowd was pretty hot for her hot tag. A dive from Taryn sets up the Eat Defeat pin on Angelina for Gail. MVP and his crew are going to come out after the break - KENNY KING OWNS A SUIT!

BFG in Japan is hyped up - Willow was in the ad. Dixie was on her phone. NONE OF THIS STUFF IS MVP AND HIS CREW TALKING. Now they're up. Everyone coming out with a chick makes this seem a bit more major league. Ditto the suits. The boo machine went nuts and the fans called Bobby a "bathterd" and MVP talked about having to set an example for A GUY WHO STEPPED OVER THE LINE while staring at King. EY came down in a sling, said words, ran down, and got beaten up. Roode came out of the crowd again and swung MVP's crutch at him. MVP, 40 on a bad knee, bumped for this. Stupid.

They came back and speaking of stupid, EY's arm was in a sling and now it's fine. Bobby said he's known EY for almost 20 years ago and 10 years ago, they signed with TNA and helped build it from the bottom up. Bobby said he loved THE SPORT of professional wrestling much like Shane Douglas. Bobby's cutting a pretty damn good promo. Shame he's in tattered jeans. Actually, both he and EY are in them - looks terrible. Bobby's now just a face because he loves WRESTLING and he wants to whoop ass for the working men and women in the back. MVP talked to Bobby about being honorable. Crowd chanted boring. MVP threatened to fire him before EARL SULLIVAN ARMSTRONG of THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS stripped MVP of his title and his replacement will be here later to fix the mess he's left behind. Bobby said that meant MVP couldn't fire him, so he punched him down! Knux talked to a guy about giving someone money as soon as he could. Well, if you spent less money on your goofy outfits and entourage and focused on WINNING MATCHES INSTEAD OF BEING GOOFY IN NON-MATCHES, you'd have money. Manik, DJZ, and Crazzy Steve had a wacky bit.

Tenay recapped the news. Instead of being on the board, ESA is a lawyer representing the Board. Spud met with Dixie in one of his sillier suits to date. He basically played the role of gay best friend. Sanada came down in his darker blue and white gear. Sanada cut a promo about all of the guys getting a title shot. Poor guy got WHAT chants and someone said WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. He was quite clear in his point, dickhead. Tenay said that since no one is in power, Sanada can make his own matches. Sanada and Steve had a forearm>Mongolian chop exchange that was kinda fun. Manik did the knee lock thing where you snap back to apply pressure, and kept getting chopped into it by Steve before locking on an abdominal stretch on him too. Corkscrew senton block from Manik to the pile on the floor. Z hits a springboard tornado DDT to Steve. Tower of Doom spot with Manik doing a Batista bomb to Steve and Z. Tiger Suplex to Z from Sanada wins. This was fun. Dixie and Spud come out to talk NEXT!

Dixie cut an annoying promo about putting her faith in Bully and Roode, and now MVP turned on the fans. "I'm gonna give all you wrestling fans what you want - A WHOLE BUNCH MORE OF ME!" The lawyer's name is now Earl Solomon Armstrong and Taz said he's confused by everything with his role. ESA said that Dixie wouldn't be the new person in charge - but that the person who is WILL BE HERE LATER. Oh Christ. She said she wouldn't be in charge OVER HER DEAD BODY, which is now Bully's cue to come out. By golly, there's a table mid-ring! A group of middle-aged folks chanted for tables. Bully said he'd kick the bitch in the face, drink the champagne, and you know what happens next. Dixie was even more annoying with her voice and offering up a bribe of either $100,000 or $200,000. She said NOOOOOOO NOOOOO when he said there wasn't enough money to bribe him. EC3 made the save for her here, but was shooed off and then Bully had her ready in a powerslam but Spud moved it. This was ungodly bad.

Bully-Dixie was recapped. Oh thank the Lord. above. Dixie and Spud left EC3 in the building. Bully talked about putting her through a table. James Storm @JamesStormBrand came down for his match with Anderson. Anderson did his deal. I've had enough of both he and Bully for a few lifetimes. They did moves and Storm won clean by countering the Mic Check and superkicking him to death. A limo showed up from 1998 and it COULD CONTAIN the next GM guy!

Gunner and Samuel Shaw met in his rubber room. They're going to release him into Gunner's care. Oh yeah, this angle. Storm talked to him about being MUTA'S BOY, and the protege of the greatest Japanese wrestler ever. He asked him if he was ready to cash in the title and get the world title! Storm asks him what will happen if he chokes and loses the title. Well, this sure came out of nowhere. EC3 begged Spud to save him, but Dreamer in a nice HOH jacket attacked. They brawled and brawled and brawled into the arena. EC3's maroon pants are something else. Dreamer grabbed a water bottle from the trash and drank it. An ECW and HOH chant broke out. Kudos to Dreamer to getting HOH on both WWE and TNA TV. They traded tosses into the steps. Dreamer went in shoulder-first, while EC3 tried to do the Foley flip bump - but there was no room, so he had to do a cartwheel. They brawled and brawled and brawled in the ring. I think this is now longer than every other match on the show combined. Al came down and got a Head chant. Abyss cut a promo on Magnus and Bram. Oh yeah, because after this shit, we need another wacky weapon brawl. This show is so fucking stupid. OH GOODIE MORE TALKING WITH MVP AND HIS CREW!

They hyped up Global Impact Japan's PPV. They bullied the driver and Lashley pulled the shirt over his face until MVP pointed out that the man can't talk like that! Okay, that was funny. Taz said that WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO THE GUY IS AFTER THIS MATCH. Logically, why? THE GUY IS TRYING TO STAY HIDDEN AND EVEN HAS A DECOY LIMO! They showed Magnus winning clean, but didn't show the Nestea Plunge. At least show that on TV so you can at least justify a million people seeing it. Taz namedropped the Broadstreet Bullies while Tenay put over Dave Shutlz - didn't mention his wrestling ref gig though. Willow chucked a trash can at Bram's head in the corner. Bram got stage blood on his head while Abyss got Janice, missed and it got stuck in the buckle. Bram cuffed Abyss to the rail. No fans cared at all despite THE MONSTER being next to them. Abyss broke out of the cuffs somehow and came back in, so why even bother doing that spot then? Willow hits the Twist on both guys. Magnus got up and Hardy got hit with a chair to the head and went through the barb wire board ramp made between the rail and the ring. Well, that was a stupid bump for a TV match. Abyss got the tacks. Thank God the pay match was the clean one on one match while the TV match is the wacky weapons brawl. Magnus got chokeslammed into the tacks. That spot hasn't meant much since about '06, sadly. Bram hits Abyss with Janice, which doesn't rib Abyss's gear, for the win. MAGNUS AND BAM won. The stage blood wore off of Bram's head by the end of the match - it was almost a parody of a hardcore match. THE NEW GM'S SHOES WALKED BACKSTAGE!

ESA came out and Taz said the guy was getting too much TV time. He announced Angle as the GM. The crowd popped for this. Somehow, they weren't completely killed by everything before this. "It's about time this company got their heads out of their asses. TNA has made a lot of mistakes in the past - there's no doubt about that!" Lashley's awful new theme hit and he came out. There's just nothing to this theme - it's as generic as Seth's and reeks of a WWE game theme. MVP asked Kurt if his demons were in check - CUZ HE HAD THREE DEMONS IN FRONT OF HIM. Well, one is on crutches, so you don't really count, MVP.  Angle says if they touch him, THEY'RE FIRED ON THE SPOOOOOTTTTTTTTT CUZ HE'S THE FREEAKIN BOSSSS. Lashley faces EY next week. EY's arm is hurt again. Angle also brought Roode back, or as he called him "THIS GUY!" King and Roode brawled while EY and Lashley brawled. This show was God-awful!

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Monday, June 23, 2014

WWE Raw 6-23-14

IT'S RAW EPISODE NUMBER ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED! OH YEAH! Steph's in a giant Pepto-colored dress with her giant knockers on display. Steph brought Vickie out, buried her, said that took pity on her because her husband died and they gave her a GM job because they couldn't make her a dive. Fuck them for this. Now she wants her to beg. Jesus Christ. Steph wants to be Vince and she's copying the worst parts of his on-air character. Steph said she can keep her job if she wins her match...AGAINST STEPH! Who gets a giant yes chant. Vickie stood up for Eddie and the Guerrero name. They showed the announcers - Cole's brown checkerboard suit is awful. OH BOY! TWO SMACKDOWN REMATCHES! Barrett-Dolph and the SD main event.

Cole thanked EVERYONE IN THE WWE UNIVERSE for making SD number 1. Jimmy Uso's out. YAY MORE ONE USO VS. A WYATT MATCHES! The B-teamers now have their own theme. It's a HARMONICA VERSION OF HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS! Luke starts off with a dropkick. Harper won with the spinning clothesline. Maybe it's an organ version of the song. Either way, the crowd is singing it, so if the goal was to nix the crowd's singing, it failed. Jey doesn't want to wait until SD to do their match, by golly! He challenged his STANK ASS and as RAW TRENDS WORLDWIDE ON TWITTER, we might get this match! Cole talked about this impromptu match after the break and HOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT ON TWITTER! NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS MATCH ON TWITTER, FUCK YOU COLE! Fucking hell, Vickie-Steph is trending. Jey won, so it's 50/50 booking between the teams. Wyatts kicked their asses afterwards. They celebrated with the belts, so they're not winning on PPV. Bray cut a promo about stuff. It's only 8:30 and I'm already bored of this - at least the MITB ad has some swank imagery in it.

Lana and Rusev buried America in DC. She basically recapped their whole deal with some narration. Paige came out to do commentary for Fox-Naomi. CAMERON IS ON COMMENTARY TOO! The commentary is insufferable. The match isn't good and nothing about this is fun. JBL got a chant here. Cole said Cameron acts like she does on Total Divas - COMING SOON TO THE WWE NETWORK! Why is Alicia doing a move where folks either bump on the apron or taking an uncontrolled bump to the floor? Naomi won with Christian's reverse DDT again. THERE IS A LARGE BEARDED MAN IN A BURGER KING CROWN BEHIND THE COMMENTATORS! I REPEAT - THERE IS A LARGE BEARDED MAN IN A BURGER KING CROWN BEHIND THE COMMENTATORS! Roman and Sheamus met in the trainers room or something to talk, or tape up their wrists. This was a weird visual with them talking before images of the vascular system.

Titus-Rose is recapped, because that's something you need to do on a go-home PPV show. Titus came off like such a dork here. He's facing Bo, who I guess is a face now. A let's go Bo chant broke out. Bo's got a shiner before the match playing badminton or something. Bodog won. HHH came out for the 9 PM speech and Cole talked about it being HISTORIC RAW # 1,100! The gold MITB case looks a lot better than the past blue and red ones. HHH came out and buried the government under Obama. HHH described ladder matches in the most boring manner possible. HHH said that THIS PAST WEDNESDAY, the first entrant in the MITB ladder match would be Seth...which Seth himself announced on Main Event on Tuesday. Kofi, Swagger, Dolph, RVD, and Barrett were announced. HHH's English accent was dreadful. HHH burying RVD. So that contract's money well spent then. Everyone gets a slot, but Dean has to earn it so we have SOME content on this show. RVD came out and said that he crushed HHH's trachea, won the MITB match, and WWE Title. Seth said he'd take him seriously if it was 2005. RVD and his awesome singlet did some stuff with Rollins before a break. Seth is trying to "slow RVD down" and accomplishing that goal quite easily. RVD hit a hit outside-in tornado DDT before missing the splash, eating a curb stomp, and Ambrose prevented a pin. Dean said he should be added to the match because if he's not, he'll screw it up.

Seth told HHH to put Dean in the match so he can keep an eye on him and see the look on his face when he wins the case. Barrett came out and said that Dolph got a fluke win over him, which is true, BUT HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Dolph will be so embarrassed tonight that he'll change his name - just like the RACIST NFL FOOTBALL TEAM IN DC! Cole explained the story. Dolph's fluke win was recapped. By golly guys, DOLPH WANTS TO BE A SUPER SUPERSTAR BY WINNING THE IC TITLE! Dolph, the only former World champion in this match, is desperate to get another fluke win. Fameasser countered with the Winds of Change. King said the Redskins name and they went to a break. Barrett backdropped him over the top. Barrett did the shittiest Cactus elbow ever. OH GOD, JBL CALLED IT THE BARRETT ELBOW! Well, it looks shiittier than anything Foley ever did, so I'm fine with that. Crowd chanted this is awesome. NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS AWESOME. Shut up, DC! Wasteland gets 2. Dolph gets a crucifix for 2. Mid-Stinger Splash Bullhamer gets the win! I've got SOME BAD NEWS for Sting if he wants the IC Title! Vickie walked past jobbers before talking to Renee briefly. Orton interrupted her. Christ, Orton looks 40 now.

On Main Event, Kofi, RVD, and Dolph face Seth, Swagger, and Barrett. Vickie came out to the Los Guerreros theme. I'm very disappointed at the lack of yoga pants and a tight form-fitting top on Steph. Steph said they're not having a wrestling match, they're having a loser goes into a pool of muck match. Steph sent Rosa, Layla, and Alicia to face Vickie. They eventually got thrown in, but Steph chucked her in before getting thrown in by Vickie. Goldust and Byron said stuff, Stardust and and acted effeminate while singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and Goldust said he was the normal one now. Swagger faced Kofi, and they talked about Vickie leaving on a high note, and King said she wouldn't be around for Steph to dick around anymore. Cole hyped up this being EVERYTHING KOFI IS CAPABLE OF! A VICTORY ROLL! That gets 2, and leads to him taking an ankle lock AND A LOSS. So he's capable of losing the ladder match due to his own actions. Paige faces Naomi at the PPV. Alberto talked with Renee in his wackiest promo in a while, with Cesaro saying he speaks 5 LANGUAGES AND NONE OF THEM ARE LOSER!

Sheamus faces Bray on SD. Abraham Sandow came out while JBL talked about him wrestling in the Capital Wrestling Federation. Big E wore his black and yellow singlet - easily his best one. Cole rattled off Abe's wrestling facts. Abe angrily attacked his large black foe. Big Ending won. Cole buried Obama and JBL compared him to Marion Barry. Big E, in his bright black and yellow singlet, cut a promo as Mistah Randy Watson! Lana cut a promo on him to distract him while Rusev attacked.

TOTAL DIVAS COULD WIN A TEEN CHOICE AWARD! You can watch it on the WWE NETWORK, AND SPEAKING OF THE WWE NETWORK, MITB IS THIS SUNDAY! SMILIN JOHNNY BOY talked with Renee. ALL RIGHT HERE WE GOOOO! CAN HE DO IT!? CAN JOHN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS ON PPV!? "HE'S BEEN CALLED THE VOLCANO!" So he's a real ash hole then? Shouldn't the faces, any of them, have ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS BEING A HANDICAP MATCH AGAIN!? Orton and Cena started and they rattled off history. Orton being a 12-time world champ just seems odd since they all happened within a decade, he's been out a long time with injuries, and he was in the mid-card for years too. Bray and Cena did stuff - including a dance into the uranage. Cena and Cesaro did some stuff before a hot tag to Reigns. CESARO LIFT TO REIGNS FOR 2! Reigns plays the babyface in peril role terribly. SUPERMAN PUNCH TO BRAY! Sheamus comes in and chucks Cesaro at Alberto to take him out before clubbing the chest. Orton hits the backbreaker, but eats an AA. AA to ADR, VE Uppercut to Cena, Brogue to Cesaro gets the win and then nothing matters because Kane comes out and attacks dudes. Then HHH comes out. The real stars of 2014 - HHH and Kane! Kane's in the title ladder match. Reigns got a spear, which is nice. I almost hope he wins, but wow is he not the best choice. Seth would be perfect, but that isn't happening.

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Cole - The voice of the youth of America!

Friday, June 20, 2014

WWE SD 6-20-14

Cena recap starts things off, while a Cena promo begins the show proper with a wacky promo about the year in WWE. It started with Batista, then Bootista, THEN BLUETISTA. Bryan became champ, got hurt, and now THE CHAMP IS HERE! Alberto comes out to say stuff. Then Sheamus does. Heyman lets everyone know that he's excited about the MITB title match and GUARANTEES a new champion - Cesaro. Roman comes out and they recap the Vickie garbage. Roman and Cena did a staredown, which shay pay off at the PPV. Orton came out and everyone brawled. This was a bunch of stuff. Seth came out in his new Escape From New York gear. He takes the top off to work, which further separates him from the Shield days. Seth faces Kofi here, so it should be good. Seth's new back mounted punches are a nice violent touch. Buckle bomb sets up the curb stomp for a quick win. Dean cuts a promo on the tron about focusing on Seth and Kane, and sending them back to Hell - where they belong.

BAD NEWS BARRETT faced Dolph in a match that saw the champion dominate and then Dolph win with a sunset flip. WHAT!? Dolph should only be beating Barrett by finisher - a fluke win doesn't help him seem like a star again and it hurts Barrett. Rose pins Titus in no time flat with a schoolboy, but Titus DEMANDS another match. Rose slaps him and pins him with another schoolboy. I don't know what the point of this was, but everyone came off as less of a star after it. Seth's doing commentary for Kane-Ambrose. Dean's blue jeans and white wifebeater look is his new ring gear. Kane and Ambrose had a bad match before Ambrose brawled with Seth and he ate a chokeslam to lose. Boy is Ambrose coming off rather terribly with all of these either losses or non-wins. Post-match curb stomp doesn't help him any either. Big E squashed Swagger in no time flat.

Summer and Fandango talked backstage - she loves him, they make out, Layla is just stunned! Fandango faces Bo, but first, Summer and Layla brawl, Layla accidentally kicks Fandango and Bo puts his arm around him to set up the Bodog perfectly and get a win. Sure. Why not. This sucked. Wyatts cut a promo and Roman comes out before Cena and Sheamus before they face the wacky Wyatt, Orton, Cesaro, and ADR team. Love seeing Sheamus and Cesaro brawl, and Heyman SCOWL as Sheamus hits the ten beats. ADR comes in to continue his awful rivalry with Sheamus. Orton comes in to brawl with Cena - oh lord. Bray battles Cena some more before the heels trade tags and hit a few blows to Cena. Cesaro gets in for a long time and gets a 2.9 off the Very European Uppercut. Alberto hits his kicks on Cena before Cesaro comes back in and takes out Sheamus. Cena gets a backdrop and makes the tag to Roman - his first chance to get in. Roman hits a Bossman uppercut to set up the sliding dropkick. Superman punch to Bray and he snaps a spear off on ADR to win. Roman is clearly way way way too limited to be the champion right now, unless they take it off of him that night via a cheap case win from Seth that night. This show had a lot of stuff on it, but not much of it was noteworthy or good, and some of it was just WTF-worthy.

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Thursday, June 19, 2014

TNA Impact 6-19-14

The pre-Impact Cops had a fantastic start with a DUI while someone is zooming all over the road and flips the car with flames shooting out. The guy is drunk off his ass and the woman is in hysterics. They tazed the guy about half a dozen times for moving. Jesus. They're telling her to lie down while she's probably got a concussion. PPV highlights actually aired on Cops, showing the double DVD, the double suplex, and the flying elbow off the cage - so it came off like a big show you should get the replay of. This ep is the same one they've aired a million times before Impact with the stepson arguing with his mother. This week's Impact is one of the few "as live as live can be" shows.

The show-opening video made the title match switch seem just about perfect. Also, after having Bray end the streak in 2K14, I think he really should've done that next year after beating Cena this year. Oh well - what might've been. I hope Brock or Heyman had "My Daddy Conquered the Streak" bumper stickers made. They gave the video package plenty of time and EY came off like a motherfucking T-Rex here. Show starts proper with MVP AND HIS GROUP TALKING. MVP, who looks his age now anyway, has decided to not dye the grey in his goatee. MVP buried gratutitous verbiage and responded to a "you can't wrestle" chant by saying he can't - HE'S INJURED!  MVP is talking a lot for a guy who hates words. MVP says that since there's no board of directors here, he's gonna do things HIS WAY. "Eric, get ya sawed-off ass out here so we can have a conversation!". Loved that, and I love how hot the crowd is. MVP said that EY colluded to get Aries into the title match so he could beat him instead of THE MONSTA Lashley.

Kenny King said EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE HIM AS WORLD CHAMP! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my God, this is actually the title match. Hopefully, it's just "a" title match and we get the real one later. EY hits the Austin Thesz press with punches and Tenay plugged the ring change for the NYC tapings. EY's friends in the Wolves, Joe, and Aries came out - they dramatically outnumber the heels. Kenny King, a poor X Division champion in a bad time for the division, isn't even a remotely credible contender as a gimme opponent for the heel group. Kenny hit a spin kick and Taz commended him for a fine bridge, but he ate a small package for a loss after EY countered whatever his finisher is. Between Bryan, Sheamus, Cesaro, and EY, I LOVE THIS BECOMING A FINISHER AGAIN!

They hyped up the NY tapings with Destination X and the Hardys. MVP slapped the timekeeper, who I think was a Phi Delta Slam guy, for ringing the bell. So why is it the timekeeper's fault that the ref counted three? The faces "brawled" with the heels for a bit. MVP said more words, including THAT HE IS A WRESTLING GOD and EY-Lashley happens later. Everyone in the building will be gone, except for his crew and EY, and the ref. MVP demanded that Aries and Joe face the Wolves and a third team after fucking up quite a bit and covering for it by being all pissed. Loved him saying Earl Hebner owed Moses a quarter. He fired Earl too. I think MVP's painkillers are either working too well, or not well enough. Or he grabbed some of WILL-OW's. Remember how great the Randy Anderson angle was in WCW? Well here's that in 1/10th time, with no buildup, and using his middle-aged son instead of his young kid. MVP said the TITLE COMES TO US...which means Lashley wins it, and then turns on MVP. Dixie cut a backstage promo defending her actions regarding MVP, while EC3 said he's the Hardcore American Icon now. Dixie treats her nephew like her boyfriend...weird.

Aries and Joe came out, so they went to EY saying how bad it is he fired Earl, so he's got Kurt as backup. Christy "introduced first" Willow and Abyss - the third team out. All faces in there, so the crowd isn't as responsive as they normally would be...if the heat could be sustained after the first quarter of the show. How nice of the Wolves to wait until the camera shot is done of the dual submissions before making a save. DOUBLE DIVE from Aries and Joe! I could definitely dig Aries-Joe vs. The Wolves, BUT WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY SO TOMMY DREAMER CAN ENTER! The Mountain Dew Baja ad is really annoying - it's an okay drink, but nothing amazing. Backstabber into a Demolition decapitation got 2. I love Aries chopping down both tag champs to try to make a tag. Nice enzuiguri by Eddie into a German by Davey into a double-leg jackknife cradle for 2. Abyss tagged in and squared off with Aries. God, Abyss looks short in there with Aries! Willow is doing jack shit in this match. THE UNPREDICTABLE WILLOW starts off doing Jeff's wacky kick dealie. They almost missed the Nestea plunge bump off the top. Swanton countered with knees, leading to the powerbomb backstabber for the win! Davey pinned Hardy! The Hardys are just about to reunited - WHAT A PERFECT TIME TO HAVE JEFF JOB TO THE TAG CHAMPS! Kenny King told MVP to not worry since KURT IS A CRIPPLE...while MVP is on crutches. Wow. The guy in the crowd is in a Bully shirt that is officially two sizes too big. They ran through the Dixie-Dreamer angle. Dreamer's going to drop HARDCORE PIPE BOMBS! Spud's got a crazy green card suit on! Better yet, DON FRYE'S PRICELINE AD IS ON!

They replayed MVP making Lashley-EY and the Hebner firing. A lot of words were said when Aries and Joe were ejected. MVP made the Wolves defend the titles against Bram and Magnus - good. It made no sense for them to not be in the match before, but it makes sense now. Did Rockstar Spud raid Reeser Bowden's estate sale or did he just watch the DVDVR or WWE MSW set and fall in love with his fashion sense? Spud's casino-themed suit is due to them being in a casino - nice! Spud had no neck brace, and Dixie's burying Bully for using his little TWITTAH MACHINE! Dixie buried everyone for latching onto her for a buck. THE REAL STAR OF TNA IMPACT - DIXIE CARTER! The first hour of the show has been largely awful, AND THE CROWD IS STILL HOT! Dixie, owner of a company with THE BEARDED CHAMPION, and OWNER OF THE BEARD IP, buried people for making a buck off of her. Loved her burying Dreamer by not knowing his name, and Spud saying he rarely won. Dreamer got no theme for his Philly return. Dreamer talked about how social media started this issue while saying that she gave he and other ECW guys closure with their Hardcore Justice PPV. Tommy says he's embarrassed to say he's a wrestler because of the crap on TNA Impact. Dammit - she made TOMMY CRY! Tommy plugged House of Hardcore and says that he listens to THE PEOPLE! Someone, and I hope this is legit, say that a fan's doctor told him to watch wrestling to help him through cancer. Dreamer said that she was able to see Kevin Von Erich put the claw on and she marked out like a fan. Dreamer is honest to God cutting the best promo of his career here and if they wanted to reboot the company next week, they could. Dixie hugged him, then kneed him in the balls. DIXIE JUST TOOK OUT THE ECW LEGEND IN PHILLY! EC3 attacked, and Dreamer-EC3 in NYC should be a thing and should be really fun. KENNY KING TRIED TO INTIMIDATE KURT ANGLE! Kurt said he just wanted to talk to MVP, so he left Lashley with Kurt. Kurt made a dick joke about Lashley's pipe.

They came back and MVP met with Kurt, who made more pipe-related dick jokes. Wolves got a big USA chant here. The Wolves exchanged arm wringers and double axe handles off the top to the arm. If you buy a replica belt, you get a shirt, a hat, and $50 off! The TNA replicas are quite good and I dig the belt - still not buying it though. Nice round kick combo from Davey, including a running variant to Magnus! Magnus DDTd his partner thanks to a Davey dropkick. Magnus tossed a chair at Davey's head to cause a DQ. Moron. Do that shit after you win the belts! They set up a flying elbow Pillmanizer to the Eddie's head, but Willow ran and Abyss...did a Mark Henry run to the ring to stop it. MVP buried Brian for crying over his dad's firing. MVP put Brian in the world title match tonight. MVP is putting a guy who HE KNOWS HATES HIM in the main event slot for the world title. He is really bad at running a corrupt company. Sure, he's threatening his job, BUT HE'S DONE THIS BEFORE! Taryn Terrell's ass returned in a red dress.

MORE TALKING from Magnus and Bram! They were jumped by Abyss and Will-ow! Gail in a super-tiny pink dress brought out Taryn Terrell. Well, she definitely lost the baby weight. Wow! Tenay put over her series of matches with Gail. She got a nice welcome back chant. Gail put her over for the Slammiversary match a year ago and said she earned her respect with it. Taryn talked about taking a year off to have her daughter, and said that their series is tied 1-1 - they need a tiebreaker! The BPs came out being nasty. Angelina's promo is awful, her getup is terrible too - she's wearing ass-hugging jeans with no ass. BPs attacked, but were laid out. I can dig Gail-Terrell 3 at BFG after one of them wins the title in NYC. Kurt buried MVP for abusing his power, because we needed more talking. Kurt talked smack with Bobby, so they're teasing that at BFG or something.

JB talked with MVP about EVERYONE BEING GONE, so they kicked him out too. Tenay did his usual generic putting over of Lashley as an amateur champion, Army champion, and pro champion. Crossbody off the top to Lashley starts the match.  He gets caught doing it mid-ring, but Lashley turns it into the powerslam he beat EY with last week to have that turned into a cradle for 2. Within a minute, they told you that EY was legit against Lashley by having the tactics from a week ago not work here. Nice shortarm lariat from Lashley after the break. One armed delayed suplex got 2. This is by far Lashley's best run in-ring yet. They talked about EY's backing being thrashed during the break, but didn't show clips. EY got a dropkick and used it to set up a crossbody off the top for 2. EY hit the piledriver perfectly for 2, but Kenny pulled the ref out. Spikes Lashley with a DDT! The flying elbow misses, and Lashley hits the spear for the win! Belt looks good on Lashley. Lashley's surprise return run has greatly overdelivered. He's better now than he was before, when he was doing both MMA and TNA. His matches are better now and he's aided by looking exactly the same as he did in WWE. Well, aided now - maybe not in 5 years. They did the second Pillmanizing angle of the night on EY's arm, but Lashley wouldn't take part. Bobby returned, so I guess he'll win the title at BFG. Him being EY's buddy makes a lot of sense given their Team Canada history, and I hope he gets the BFG title win he was denied in 2011 so he wouldn't overshadow Hogan.

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Monday, June 16, 2014

WWE Raw 6-16-14

After last night's fantastic TNA PPV, I'm in a great mood for some wrestling action. The F4W board thread features a lot of Ghana puns, which works. The roster is out for a CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT! Oddly, Seth is just out there instead of being with the Authority. Steph's ass looks fantastic in this red skirt. Adam Rose has a tophat now. He looks like a poor man's Truth Martini. Steph announced a battle royal for some, but not. HHH said that Ambrose and Roman wouldn't be in the battle royal. Ditto Cena. Okay, so Cena's not in the battle royal, but got a chance at the ladder match IF HE WINS A STRETCHER MATCH WITH THEDEMONKANE! The battle royal is for a ladder match spot, I think for Cena and not Kane. Bray faces Sheamus, and Seth faces Dolph next. So then Seth-Dolph isn't next - it's Kane's pyro.

I never would have guessed how proud WWE is of itself for being a sponsor for the Special Olympics given that they've got the name on the ramp. Cole's copy was just dreadful. Seth being from Davenport, Iowa doesn't sound very exciting. Digging the Nike top though. They did a bunch of nothing until a break. They came back and we learned about how intense Seth was ON THE APP, THE GATEWAY TO THE WWE NETWORK! Curb stomp missed and Dolph hit a big DDT for 2. Business picked up after that. Fameasser got 2! Lionsault misses and Dolph gets 2 off a schoolboy. BUCKLE BOMB led to some punches from Seth. A second buckle bomb led to the curb stomp and DEAN INTERFERING! DEAN IN JEANS! DEAN IN JEANS! And a kick-ass jacket! Dean demanded a match. I cannot get over how great a babyface Ambrose is. HHH said that Dean loves to fight, BUT HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA! Barrett as the hitman for the Authority could be quite good.

Ambrose working in jeans, a nice belt, nice tanktop, and boots works. Barrett hit a nice lariat to Dean who was seated on the top rope. They tied it into SD's shoulder injury out of nowhere. He really should've had it taped up. They came back and DEAN WAS HANGING ONTO THE ROPE WITH A FOOT AND A HAND. Tremendous. We got footage FROM THE WWE APP! Dean hit a tornado DDT for 2. Amrose traps the arm in the ropes for some jabs, but eats the Winds of Change for 2. Wasteland turned into the crucifix for 2. "The Authority knows what's best for the Universe!" Good lord. Seth came out and tried to distract Dean, but he dove onto both Seth and Barrett. Rollins and Ambrose brawl and Barrett wins by countout. Dean attacks Barrett afterwards with Dirty Deeds. So Barrett wins the battle, but Dean wins the war. And seems to have new music. Dean's music is pretty damn good. Roman talks to Vickie and says she's a Guerrero and THAT STANDS FOR SOMETHING! Then Roman sent her away for a second and did something to the Authority's drinks. Bray said CLEVELAND, WE'RE NEXT! Because it's a TV show.

They hyped up the Wyatts-Usos tag title match. Wyatts with the gladiator belts would look weird. Yet another A+ babyface promo from Bray. He talked about his brother fighting and being here for HIS PEOPLE. HE'S FIGHTING FOR THE CHANGE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR! King told a story about going to a Superman convention and a 4 year old girl saying Bray was her favorite. They did stuff until the Usos came out to even the odds. Sheamus countered the senton with knees and hit a tilt a whirl. Wyatts got involved for a DQ. They missed the Finlay roll on the floor, but caught the Usos superkicking the ladder into the Wyatts. Sheamus acted as a ladder ramp base for the Usos to...slowly run up and dive off of. That was inefficient. Vickie brought the Authority their coffee, but HHH bonked his out of her hands and onto her. Steph found it to be good. A Network ad talked about it being like Netflix or Hulu, but with live programming - smart. WWE then blatantly false advertised Monday Night Wars as being available now.

WWE IS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL SPORTS BRAND ON TWITTER! Steph talked to Renee briefly, and then had to leave suddenly. Good Lord. Paul Heyman put over MITB as being A GUARANTEE FOR A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! Heyman leering like a creeper at Renee is fantastic. JBL called Heath a One Man Band before Rusev came out. They're going all-out with the medal gimmick. Fans chant "USA USA USA" and a fat guy drinks soda. Awesome. They did an awful Photoshop job on Mount Rushmore. Heath, the most loveable heel on the roster, told the evil Russians to shut up and stay in Russia. YAY FACE TURN! Slater's American flag gear from the past few weeks makes sense now. Rusev crushed him in seconds. Rusev's arm pumping bit is always hilarious. HHH was outside the bathroom where Steph's vomiting. She puked on Vickie, HHH left, Vickie's in charge, and she's yelling. This was awful.

Thank God Roman knocked on the correct random grey door. Roman told her to stand up to the Authority by putting him in the battle royal. She did. Roman did not come off like a main eventer tonight. An RIP 3MB sign made air behind the announcers. They showed a trailer for Think Like a Man 2. Adam Rose greatly annoyed him and demanded they not sing in his ear, so he sung the song, and he's doing commentary for some match. "Vicki Guerrero" is trending. Kevin looks like a small child in the giant chair. Fandango and Layla came out. "Catty little twat" was changed to "Catty little cat" - boo! Summer's teaming with Rose. JBL talked about euthanizing the bunny and Rose's song sounding like a cat having shoes thrown at him. JBL's really a big fan of abusing animals today. Layla hopping out of the ring under the second rope rules. Chicks brawled backstage and Rose won with his move. So why is Kevin Hart acting like Carlton Banks? LOL @ JBL endorsing sneaking into Kevin Hart's movies.

Usos and Sheamus face the Wyatts. HOLLA HOLLA 6-MAN FOR MAIN EVENT! Roman came out in the crowd using a slower remix of the Shield theme. Sandow dressed as LeBron Janes and was thrown out instantly. They talked about the stretcher match main event, which I completely forgot about. I'm amazed that Seth isn't in the MITB match and won't be winning the title. HE WOULD BE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! Why aren't Roman and Dean friends now? It's like a TNA angle with several missing chapters in the book. They talked about how angry the Authority will be with Vickie next week. WHY ISN'T THE AUTHORITY KEEPING TABS ON THE SHOW!? YOU CAN KEEP TABS ON THE BATTLE ROYAL ON THE APP! No thanks. Kofi was eliminated ON THE APP, no magic deal for him this year. Reigns attacked Rybaxel. I love Axel doing his dad's flip bump. Axel kicked Roman on the ass ass, and they ate a double spear.  Rusev hit a big running superkick to Roman. Loved seeing Barrett trying to eliminate Bo, leading to Cole referencing their history. NO! BO GOT TOSSED! RUSEV-ROMAN! This got a huge USA USA chant. SUPERMAN PUNCH ON THE APRON TAKES OUT RUSEV! This would've been a great capper to the show, but by God, we've got a third hour! I really hope they do a second MITB match so Seth can win the case and still win the title soon, but there's been zero setup for another MITB match. Cena exposited terribly about Roman Reigns and HOW ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON RAW! Then he told bad jokes teasing a middle finger, delivering an index finger, and making wacky noises. KANE PLEASE KILL THIS MAN!

Bootydactyls came out. IT'S HISTORIC EPISODE 1,099 OF THE LONGEST-RUNNING EPISODIC SHOW IN TV HISTORY! Cameron said stuff about Paige, leading to this match. They referenced Jillian's mole. King asking for them to class things up a bit after the vomiting. Paige fell for a handshake spot. Paige needs to learn a few tricks from the cagey vet CAMERON. So now all women hate each other AND THEMSELVES. Great night for JBL. Paige won with "the modified Scorpion Cross Lock She Calls the PTO". Goldust talked about meeting his SUPER GALACTIC partner. Super Galactic? We're getting Max Moon!? Thank God we got clips of this angle after they already quoted last week's deal word for word.

Rybaxel faces Goldust and his mystery partner. His partner STARDUST arrived. This gimmick and theme are shockingly good. Cody might work well in this role. Stardust hit a cross-armed double arm DDT. DIAMOND DUST FROM STARUST WON! This was so much better than just doing a turn. A Special Olympics vid aired. Stephanie isn't just WWE's top heel, she's also its lead face. Roman faces Alberto for some reason on SD. They put over a stretcher match as being ONE OF WWE'S MOST DANGEROUS  MATCHES! With a bright yellow finish line.KANE HAS TO PUSH THE STRETCHER UP PAST THE FINISH LINE! You know, like an NXT season 1 skit. They did stuff for seemingly ages. Kane used the steps and they did the wacky step bonking into the groove bit. I hope this leads to a dreaded STEPS MATCH! OH MY GOD, KANE DDT'D JOHN'S WRIST ONTO THE STEPS! Cena he can turn around and throw punches. Kane took shit off the announce table, but Cena AA'd him through it. CAN JOHN CENA FIND A WAY TO OVERCOME THESE ODDS!? Kane fell off the stretcher. Seth and Orton came down. Ambrose made a save, but ate a chokeslam from Kane. Cena redid the steps-chucking spot. Should've saved that spot for a PPV. AA on the ramp inches away from the line won. Cena managed to push the stretcher...inches! AMAZING! The show closed with them plugging that the PPV is on the Network and only $10 a month.

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Don't fuck with the titty master, son!

TNA Slammiversary 2014

Crazy Wolves double dive starts off the ladder match, then Tigre DOES A CORKSCREW PLANCHA OFF THE ROPES OVER THE LADDER ONTO THE PILE. Jesus. Davey hits a German to Tigre thanks to Eddie. Youch. Loved the Wolves' ladder usage getting dropkicked by Manik. Steve doing the Terry Funk bit was stupid with everyone just running head-first into the ladder. Great bit with Manik doing a dive off a drop off of it. MOONSAULT ON THE LADDER ruled. Uno's kick off the ladder was a bit stupid. Uno dragging Sanada up the ladder to do ladder bridge stuff was wacky. SUPER POWERBOMB BACKSTABBER! Jesus. Loved the Wolves slugging it out after going like hey, we got no choice bro. CRAZY SUPLEX OVER THE TOP! The sunset bomb onto the ladder bridge was picture perfect. The landing was sick-looking, but safe with Davey's head going between the rungs. This was really short, but at least the match ended with the peak spot. MVP's team said words. Lashley's white gear is a nice nod to his eventual face turn. Lashley and Joe had a pretty good little match - but it wasn't nearly as good as their BFG match years ago. Dixie and JOKER SPUD ruled.

Magnus's new vest is a good look. Willow's gold mask with a giant W on the back makes him look like a Power Rangers character. Magnus and Willow had a nothing match. Willow's Nestea plunge off the top to the floor was stupid, but at least he had 4 dudes to catch him. Magnus won with the Mark of Excellence - YET ANOTHER NEW FINISHER FOR HIM. Angle's announcement of Team 3D going into the HOF was good - I didn't really think of anyone for this, but they deserve it more than a lot of WWE HOFers. Bully's new tattoo is just terrible. YOU'RE 40 AND OVERWEIGHT, DON'T GET A LOT OF TATTOOS! Aries faced the King of the Night, who still spends $20 on his clothes. At least his black and gold gear looks okay. They had easily Kenny's best match in TNA so far - this injury was a net gain to everything since we got a better three-way lineup than the one-on-one match looked like. Plus, anything that puts Aries and Joe in the world title mix is good. With Aries, it also helps set up Option C since he created it and him being in the mix shows it's not just a one-time deal for everyone.

The Von Erich stuff was a lot of fun. Kevin's finally got some grey, and he looks amazing for his age. Given all the shit he's been through, being there with his boys on fathers day on their U.S. national debut. Loved Jesse's cheap heat promo. The 3G Von Erichs are way way way way way green, but this was just  backdrop for Kevin to come in and do shit! OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO AMAZING! The Von Erichs won in Texas and Kevin put the claw on one last time. Wow. This was easily one of the most heartwarming things in TNA history, and something that was a fine bookend for WCCW history - that you can relive on the WWE Network! The backstage promo with the BPs was fine, but WHY DID VELVET GET A GIANT TATTOO ON HER ARM!? Jesus. KOs title match was just a backdrop for an angle with Stifler being a heel ref biased for the BPs.

Bully-EC3 was fine. EC3's yellow and silver gear ruled. They did a bunch of brawling shit and Bully eventually used the cheese grater to the chest. Youch. I dug the callback to the ring tearing stuff from a year ago. 1%er on the boards was a nice tease for a finish. We got glass for this. BUBBA CUTTER ON THE GLASS! Bully called Dixie a bitch and then she took a bump off of EC3 with him taking the brunt of it. Then they teased a table bump for her before Spud made the save and a cane shot gave EC3 the win. This was a clusterfuck. A really long recap for Storm-Anderson aired to kill time while they un-fucked things up. Storm talking shit to the Cowboys was fun - loved him pouring beer on the helmet. They had every TV match ever until Anderson won clean. Well, he's the face...I think.

Loved Lashley moving the steps so he could do his jump in the ring. Lashley's double suplex was a nice start to the match. Aries missed a basement dropkick really badly. Loved EY taking out Lashley with a missile dropkick, and then taking Aries down for 2 with a discus lariat. Aries turning a stacked powerbomb to EY into a corner dropkick to Lashley was nice. Sick suplex into the cage counter to the brainbuster from Lashley. Corner whatever to set up the double FU was botched badly by Aries - who did gain some weight for this. The Double FU spot was a great callback spot for EY, and the perfect thing to do to establish him as world champ. MVP's injury was by far the best thing that could have happened to this show. The Lashley suplex to EY on the cage was a fantastic setup for the Aries super rana and EY flying elbow off the top. Everything in this match more or less made sense, and it made the match so much better. Brainbuster only got 2! Great corkscrew selling from Aries for Lashley's spear got 2. Lashley spearing himself to the floor was another highlight - this match has really overdelivered. The flying elbow to Aries after that was a bit contrived though. Loved the forearm>punch exchange leading to the rolling forearm and the corner dropkick.  It's a real shame Aries isn't the X Division Champion, because this would be the year to do what they did last year with him. EY springing off the cage to counter the brainbuster and hit the piledriver was perfect. TNA continues to book EY better than WWE booked Bryan as champion. This show was a blast!

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Friday, June 13, 2014

WWE SD 6-13-14

For the first time in eons, I'll actually be watching SD as it airs - there are zero early versions of it up! Plus, I've made some good progress in EA UFC today, so I might as well take a break from that for this and then play it during the filler. A very long video on the MITB situation aired - seemingly acting like Alberto's win happened on the most recent Raw like the other two ones. SD's new intro is rather terrible. The Shield came down and a video aired on the 6-man showing Reigns winning. Ambrose's facial expressions and body language are entering into Nakamura-levels of amusing wackiness. He's about a 30 on a scale of 100 so far. "Puppet Suit Seth" is a great nickname. Both Dean and Reigns want in the MITB match, but HHH said on the tron that there's only one slot available. A coin flip decided that Ambrose would get a chance to qualify against Bray tonight. HHH banned Roman, and the Wyatts from this match, and banned Ambrose from the ring for Reigns's match with BAD NEWS BARRETT! Barrett theme, cape, and pyro are fantastic - HHH doing his deal puts it over too. They did a couple of minutes worth of filler until an ad break. The traditional post-break chinlock brings the match back. Roman nailed the Superman punch before a giant SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR chant broke out. 3MB came out and jumped him since Ambrose is banned. Given that Drew and Jinder are now gone, I expect some destruction. Roman hindered Jinder by tossing him over the table, then he speared Drew and Heath on the floor. Roman whooped some ass here! Jey Uso faces Rowan next.

The hillbillies teleported to the ring. The Usos' shirt is fantastic, but they should really modify the colors of the shirt and paint since it would be easy to do and allow them to have the shirts always match the gear. Jimmy's win over Harper on Main Event was recapped. FLYING USO to start. Rowan wins like a minute later with the a stomach-held Rock Bottom that was fast. These MITB graphics for the individual guys are fantastic - very wallpaper-ish. A Bo hype video from his pre-debut run aired - that seems odd.

Bo came out, and he should really save the giant arms up bit for when his theme has the big sting in it. BO DANCING TO TRUTH'S THEME IS AMAZING. JBL referencing "Gettin Jiggy Wit It" is something. I guess he'll reference Soulja Boy in 10 years. Bo saying "GREEN BAY, WHAT'S GOING ON!?" for What's Up ruled. Bo's white and powder blue gear isn't as good as his white and red stuff. I love Bo justifying a punch since "he was attacking me!". Hat Rack Crack got 2. Cole referencing LAM-BO Field ruled. Running Bo-dog won. Bo adding some arm pumps to the celebration is perfect. Sheamus-Cesaro is next! Why didn't they mention this before!? It's the hour one main event for goodness sake.

Cesaro's black wrist tape is a nice touch, and I dig Heyman saying he's now Cesaro's translator. He just wanted the crowd to knowt hat he's represented by hte man who represented THE MAN WHO CONQUERED THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK and that Cesaro himself won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Heyman says that Cesaro's hands are taped because HE IS NOT HERE FOR A GRECO-ROMAN OR EVEN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT RULES MATCH, HE IS HERE FOR A FIGHT. HE WIN RISK FINES AND DQS, AND HE WILL USE HIS HANDS TO FORCE A TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT AGAINST SHEAMUS THE SHAMELESS WHO DARED TO WIN A FIGHT WITH A GRECO ROMAN SMALL PACKAGE! This was honest-to-God amazing and they just wasted it on SD. They started with brawling! Cesaro grinding his bare knee to Sheamus's face in the corner was fantastic! CACTUS CLOTHESLINE BY SHEAMUS! That is so much better than the crossbody block, and it was a perfect act break. I love everything about this so far!

They traded Irish whip attempts, which Sheamus fittingly won before going for the clubbering that Cesaro countered. Cesaro hit double stomps while Cole awkwardly said that UNLIKE THE MITB LADDER MATCH, this will end in traditional means, which had nothing to do with anything here. I liked Cesaro basically doing a rope-bound camel clutch by tying Sheamus's arms up in the rope before doing a double chinlock. Nice corner strikes to the body and face of Sheamus.Taz-ish crossfaces from Cesaro! They'd damn well better be in the next WWE game. Sheamus demanded more punching, which Cesaro was happy to do! This led to a great bit where Cesaro actually got the upper hand for a bit during Sheamus's comeback, but Sheamus clubbed him off the top and Cesaro's right knee was caught nastily in the ropes on the way down. Cesaro hung him up on the ropes, but he ate the axehandles and high knee from Sheamus. CLUBBERING TIME! Irish Curse hits for a 2.9. Very European Uppercut gets 2.9. Heyman freaked out! Sheamus is trying to fight back on his knees but just eats offense. Sheamus fights back with the Finlay roll. Heyman distracted Sheamus, leading to Cesaro countering the powerslam with a small package USING THE TIGHTS! Cole immediately chastises Heyman for it, and it ruled! I enjoyed that more than the PPV match, and it's easily the best match on SD all year, and will be a contender for best TV match of the year. HHH recap from earlier. Bray had a dream about a white picket fence, BUT HE WOKE UP AND HE KNOWS HE'S STUCK IN THE PRISON WE CALL A WORLD! Sister Abigail told him he can achieve anything he wants and more by changing the world. THEY WILL CHANT YOUR NAME AND FEAR YOUR HAND, AND BOW TO YOU, BOY! Above the ladder lies his absolution and his happy ending, and HIS POWER! Come on now Bray, you can only have power if you have the TNA World Title. This was Bray's best promo in a while.

The Fandango-Summer Rae saga is recapped. Summer calling Layla a catty little twat was muted. Thank God there was cat litter nearby so Layla would have something for when she was called a cat by Summer. Adam Rose came out and JBL wondered where Arachnaman and Mantaur were. Cole said JBL was a closet rosebud and that he had rabii-phobia, which JBL pointed out wasn't a thing. Rose counted a diving something or other with the Party Foul. Cole looked up what a rabbit phobia was on Wikipedia and read its definition. Summer unmasked as a chicken and attacked Layla. This is a fun divas feud. Summer Rae in black leather works!

Swagger's facing Big E because E failed to defend America. Big E hits the Ultimate Splash before Lana came out. They focused on her ass completely here. Zeb cut a promo on Lana, so is he a face or what? Swagger bomb was countered into the Big Ending - that should've been a PPV finisher, but it ruled anyway. Hopefully he turns that into a counter finisher more often because it gets his power over quickly. Seth recap is next. BUT FIRST, we get a recap of the Alicia-Aksana deal from Raw.

It's time for Alicia-Aksana to send Aksana out of the company. Aksana super-low cut gear is amazing. Can't wait to see her in TNA doing some more revealing stuff since she's got a great body. Aksana's snap suplex seemed to have some bad ADR done since it made a loud noise before being done. Aksana did a spinebuster that JBL dared to compare to Ron's. Then she...flopped onto Alicia's knees in something that was called a splash counter. JBL said that the Ultimate Warrior debuted in Green Bay in '87, which you can watch on the Network! Alicia hit like an inverted Rousey armbar fameasser thing to win.  It's convoluted, but new. Alicia made Aksana slap her hand in victory. She did a cartwheel and kicked her heels up!

Bray got a minimal intro while Dean got his full one. The fans sang "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands"  to start this. Eye rake on the ropes followed soon after. Cole said that if Bray was the champion, his influence would grow even more. OH NO! IT ALREADY ESCAPED THE STEEL CAGE! Slingshot dive from Ambrose was countered into a seamless uranage on the apron! Glorious! Arm wringer with a drop on the apron from Bray brought things back from the break. Tiger DDT hits, but he can't cover and actually collapsed trying to put weight on the left arm - great stuff. Dean ran shoulder-first into the post. Dean is playing such a great babyface in peril - for being the most devious member of the Shield, he's shockingly made the best babyface. Dean slowly fights out of a superplex with some headbutts. A diving elbow smash is countered into a uranage attempt that Dean avoids by going for and hitting the rebound lariat for 2. Nice back and forth shot exchange here. Dean counters Bray's opposite corner charge with an elbow and then a suicide dive! Back bumping missile dropkick from Dean gives him a small edge for 2. Odd to have him nick two of Bryan's big moves with the suicide dive and the dropkick, and yet it works well for both guys without seeming like a copycat deal. Bray's bodylock got 2.9. Dean countered a suplex into a small package, but it only gets 2. Dirty Deeds hits, but Seth is on the table distracting him. Dean runs into Sister Abigail and he loses, which is a bit bullshit - SETH ENTERED THE RING. That should've been either a DQ or no contest! Still, the match was a lot of fun and the show itself was a riot.

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Ambrose is prepping for his MIB audition


Thursday, June 12, 2014

TNA Impact 6-12-14

It's been a crazy week gaming-wise with E3 taking up a lot of time. I've written about 50 articles since Monday, and that's just for gaming. I put up a couple of recaps on Rant Lifestyle for Main Event and the HBK-Cena WM Rewind. If you're wondering why B-show coverage has largely disappeared here it's because they have a 20 article per month requirement, and it was much easier to just transfer the recaps to RL than come up with all-new things to write about. Wrestling-wise, it's been a huge day with the release of nearly a dozen folks in WWE. 2/3 of 3MB being gone is a surprise, and I'm not really sure how well Drew would fare in TNA given that his ex-wife is there and a bigger name in that company than he would be. Brodus and Hawkins are already going to PWS where they can...take promo photos in the shower judging by their roll call of champions.

Cops features a pair of guys trying to get crack at 2 AM. One of the guys claimed to have a brain injury and based on his speech, it seems at least somewhat legit - real sad stuff. One of the guy's MOMS SHOWS UP TO PICK THEM UP. The same roaming shot of MVP aired, and they've added shots of Lashley and King to it. KENNY KING LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING GEEK. GET THIS GUY SOME GEAR THAT LOOKS MAJOR LEAGUE! Dixie promising to make MVP bleed was the capper there. EY started the show to talk. EY still needs a new theme and tron. New gear wouldn't hurt either. MVP came out in a sweet silver suit, while Lashley had his sponsored gear and Kenny was in a basic T-shirt and denim jeans/jacket combo. MVP bragged about being a world-class athlete who was STILL HALF-MAN, HALF-AMAZING. MVP told him since he can't beat him at wrestling, he should stick to EXTREME FISHING! EY buried the cheap plug with a cheap plug. EY is ridiculously shiny. EY said he wasn't talking to MVP ENTERTAINER-TO-ENTERTAINER. Oh fuck this. MVP said that EY would be able to pick the stips for the PPV main event if he could beat all three of them. Kenny King, the world's dumbest, and worst-dressed heel, said EY should make it one-on-two. What a moron. MVP made EY-Lashley next. Wait, it's two one on one matches? Why not make it a handicap match!? EY-Lashley got a tepid reaction as an action match fans could see.

Terrible ADR talked about Dixie being in Dallas to talk to the Board of Directors to TALK about MVP and Lashley.  Lashley and EY are just doing stuff. Lashley, the MMA fighter, locked on a torture rack. Why bother talking about his MMA background if he's just going to do pro wrestling holds? Lashley caught him off a crossbody off the top and hit the powerslam to pin the world champ in the opener. Oh, and Tenay said it's now a deal where EY has two win two matches. Wait, he's facing MVP too? Wasn't it a two-match series? Joe came out to brawl with Lashley, presumably to set up some yelling. WILLOW IS BEA-TEN, AND BRO-KEN, BUT HE IS NOT DEFEATED! TONIGHT WE SHALL TURN THE TIDE! OUR PATIENCE IS ON VA-CA-TION! He may also be on the drugs.

EY talked to some dude about throwing his back out. The guy ya know man talks about it being ya know serious man. Joe ya know man yelled man. Magnus came out with Bram looking rather ghetto now in ripped jeans and a tanktop. Bram talked about their history, and Magnus said Bram's his BEST FRIEND. Who we never saw, or heard about before. Bram talked about Jeff needing an alter-ego to be sadistic. Tenay talked about Willow being unpredictable - well, he came out without an umbrella, so I guess that counts. Willow cut a promo about being from Jeff Hardy's imag-i-nation, which I think references his band or some shit. He got a Hardy chant going, then a Willow chant. Willow cut a promo I think making a tag match with Jeff Hardy teaming with Willow. Everyone talked about how dangerous they were. Willow said we leading to a guy saying THE PEOPLE. And he's teaming with Abyss for some reason. Maybe he's Willow pain pill provider. Taz said THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE and that makes sense since Willow did it. So I guess Willow's booking the show. They recapped EC3 being busted open by Bully and then attacked by MLK. EC3 wore a band-aid and said DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH IT. And he's going to confront the violent heathen tonight. He's a Carter, and the world needs them. Meanwhile, the roster needs their paychecks.

They had a blink and you miss it promo hyping up Kevin Von Erich's sons wrestling. It was so fast that I couldn't even get a screen of it. OH THANK THE LORD ABOVE THEY RECAPPED THE BRO-MANS-MENAGERIE DEAL! They said you should get Slammiversary as a Father's Day gift, and that Kurt Angle would be there to announce the next hall of famer. They had Rebel's ass on-screen with this. Tenay announced some kind of TNA sale with Slammiversary DVDs being on sale, some kind of 12% off sale, and you get 12% more off somehow, and there's free shipping when you hit some amount. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TNA SALE!? I've signed contracts less convoluted. The Freak and Rebel did comedy with Jesse, the music played, the lights were crazy, DJZ did the horn, this was a clusterfuck. Crazy Steve, WHO IS CRAZY, put the balloon string down Robbie's gear. EC3 and Spud talked, while Brooke and her new boobs returned.

They recapped MVP's team beating up EC3. They replayed Dixie's tweet and that stupid hashtag before EC3 CAME OUT TO TALK! EC3 talked about recapping Bully's checkered past. No thanks - I have the WWE Network for that. YAY BROOKE! They asked her about her relationship with Bully. It's not a thing anymore. She was asked if Bully threatened to put her through a table, and HE HAS A DNA TEST! BULLY RAY IS THE FATHER!  I'm very disappointed that Spud's investigation doesn't involve a giant magnifying glass and/or monocle. She said no, he showed a wacky photo of Bully and a baby and it was actually funny. Then EC3 threatened her and Bully came down to talk. Bully was a right nice gentleman to Brooke and they hugged. THEN EC3 TALKED MORE! EC3 said their issue needed resolution, the fans chanted for tables, and EC3...agreed. Why, I have no idea. It's in Carter country, so maybe he's lucky or something. Wasn't this already announced as a table match? EC3 said Bully would put Dixie through a table over his dead body, which Bully repeated a thousand times. Bully challenged him to a TEXAS DEATH MATCH! EC3 accepted this challenge. What? Shouldn't he as a heel be trying to get out of this?

Brittany-Gail-Madison happens later. EY-Kenny is next. EY got his second full intro of the night. Kenny King got I think his first full intro with his new theme. It's generic Vegas music and no part of his look fits this gimmick. Knux's gimmick is wacky, but his gear reflect it. Nice fireman's carry from EY. Taz plugged Glory, WITH CRO COP STILL FIGHTING. Kenny hit a capoiera kick on the apron to counter an apron suplex. Kenny hit whatever his finisher is called, but he got cocky and wasted a lot of time. Springboard somersault senton missed and EY hit a wonky piledriver due to Kenny constantly moving his arms everywhere. They interviewed Madison backstage with a giant light apparently just on her, because she looked pale white. 

EY talked with the trainer, who told him not to work again, again. Gail's theme was in the background.  Everyone in the match got a full intro, so the timeline of events was only a tad off here. BPs came out after a couple of minutes of action to sit and lead to an ad break. Madison and Gail did a terrible headscissors, and then Brittany telegraphed a drop toehold by selling before the move. The chicks did a headscissors to each other. They did a terrifying double superplex to Gail, with Brittany slapping Madison on the ass before hand. The BPs insulted Madison for being a big meanie. Gail did the ringpost figure 4. BPs distracted the ref, and Gail got the win after Velvet accidentally sprayed Brittany, who the heels wanted to win for an easy PPV win. This was amongst the worst women's matches in TNA history. MVP-EY is next, or something, because it's 10:37 and there's no way they're doing a 22 minute match before the PPV. MVP met with some ref for some screwing over to be done.

We got a recap of MVP, Kenny, and Lashley - ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE FACTIONS EVER FORMED to kill time. Then a new Dixie tweet aired. Lashley-Joe was announced here, ditto Aries-King. Anderson, looking 45 in the shot, faces Storm. Willow-Magnus has the dudes in the corner. Nothing about the Von Erichs' match here. The guys came out, BUT EY GOT ATTACKED BEFORE THE BELL RANG. This plan was revealed exactly like a '60s Batman reveal. Match started at about 9:50 and wasn't much. MVP busted out a powerbomb. A nasty buckle bomb followed it up. EY's abusing his body A LOT for all this. His back's been marked up since the opener, and it's now all beaten red. MVP beat him down and brought a chair in - so he could sit and lecture him. MVP hit him in the back with the chair, which does make some sense. Sure, it gives EY the stip - but EY's back is mangled, so he should be able to win in any match EY can possibly make. MVP's crew came in. MVP posed with the belt and they missed the shot of it around the waist. Tenay said "THE SHOW WAS TWO HOURS OF BRUTALITY!" EY sounded a bit like a drunk Al Bundy making his cage match. They hyped up next week's show with THE FALLOUT FROM mention of MVP probably being off the card.

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