Friday, January 31, 2014

SD 1-31-14

Bryan-heavy recap of Raw opens things up. Cesaro-Ziggler starts the show. I love Zeb using signs - Dutch was great with them back in SMW too. I love that he prefers aliens from  Mars. Love JBL burying Miz for bringing his parents to Raw since it always leads to bad things. Maybe Barrett will bring that up at some point. This a Chamber qualifier, which makes Dolph seems like he's on the ascent a bit. Nice positioning on the camel clutch from Cesaro - it looks super-tight and hard to escape from. THE CESARO LIFT RETURNS. LOLed a bit when Cole said "BOTH COULD GO INTO THE CHAMBER!" since Swagger's in another qualifier. Big DDT counter for the Very European Uppercut. Dolph going limp for the swing ruled. Neutralizer gets the win! YAY GO TONI! Reigns highlight reel starts off the Shield cutting a promo. Loved Ambrose being a complete dick to Reigns, who stood up for himself. Seth playing peacemaker is amusing. Great stuff with them challenging the Wyatts for costing them a shot at the title. HHH came out and played corporate stooge demanding that they let it go - Reigns wasn't having any of that shit and demanded he make the match against the Wyatts. Nice RO-MAN chant here.

Fandango faces Xavier. Xavier's got black, red, and white gear now. Loved JBL saying that he hasn't seen Torito since Xavier wore the jacket - he could've skinned him! Xavier and Fandango did some moves until a wheelbarrow spot that Xavier turned into a facebuster. Thank God Fandango happened to pick him up in that exact position or his plan wouldn't have worked. Nice Falcon Arrow from Fandango after he crotched Xavier on the top - good finisher. It's different, and less dangerous than the flying legdrop. Suplex>stunner from Truth ensures that Fandango's win meant nothing. Rybaxel faced the PTPs. Titus never tagged in and the hangman's facebuster won. DY's mouth got busted open. DY said they were like family, and Titus said nah - he's been dragged down. He's now known as a loser. Titus said he's getting rid of DY's dead weight Big boot took him out. This is a good push for TON, but coming at the wrong time. This would be perfect as a B-show main event push for like Payback or something like that. Right now, he has nowhere to go on top of the card, or even in the mid-card. He isn't even going to be IC Champ, and the U.S. Title is above him at this point as well. Now if the world title was separate, I think it would be a good time to push him for that. Jake HOF vid replay.

ALEXANDER RUSEV cut a promo looking beyond wide. He fills up the screen, and his chick is cute. Christian's big return was unannounced, got no promo time, and he's just facing Swagger. Well, at least their match at Backlash '09 ruled - hard to believe that was nearly five years ago. It doesn't feel like Christian's been back in WWE for that long. Cole asked why Zeb would slap Swagger, so JBL told him to ask him since he's RIGHT THERE. Zeb joined them. Zeb said he had to inspire him. This match BEGAN WITH A PRESS SLAM FROM THE RING OVER THE RINGPOST AND TO THE FLOOR. Holy shit. Cole brought up Swagger winning last year's Chamber and getting a world title shot at WM. Boy does that feel like it was ages ago. Doctor bomb with a pin combo got 2. Ankle lock was countered into a shitty cradle for 2. Cole said this would be Christian's first chamber match, which seems odd since he's been around for eons and seems like he's done every gimmick match. Frog splash got the win. Christian talked with Renee about being THE MOST DANGEROUS CHRISTIAN ANYONE'S EVER SEEN! Tremendous.

Kofi Rumble recap. He's facing Sandow, who got no highlights, so he's losing. SOS got the win. Brock recap from Raw. HHH said that the Rhodes Bros. get their tag title rematch, fair and square, in a cage. Cody's at least bandaged up, but if an attack from BROCK can't take out Cody Rhodes for one show, why bother doing it? Road Dogg came down and introduced Billy as the BAD ONE, eh, not a bad way to PG Bad Ass...which he then called him anyway. Big Suck It sign was on air. What an odd PG era this is. Goldust and Billy brawled on the floor. Road Dogg went for the VINTAGE DISTRACTION FINISH SCHOOLBOY, but only got 2. Disaster Kick got 3. Brawl at the end between them. Wyatt promo time. Harper saying things is even creepier than Bray. Bray at least seems to have the capacity to be civil. Harper seems like the kind of dude you don't want to run into - ever! Rowan saying RUN! ruled. Shield's out for the main event 6 man.

Shield-Wyatts graphic was put up - sadly, no War Games-style chamber yet. "WWE FANS HAVE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANTED - DANIEL BRYAN WILL COMPETE FOR THE WWE TITLE!". Amazing line. Nice brawling with Reigns and Sheamus. Their styles mesh well together. Ambrose's frantic corner blows and headbutts are nice. TREMENDOUS bump from Rollins off the knee to the gut from Bryan. Dude just did a wacky flip, it ruled. JBL said Bryan's like the Missing Link, Dewey Robertson...only not in anyway. Seth and Rey work well together. Blind tag to Ambrose led to him countering a headscissors with a facebuster perfectly. Reigns was a great bully to him. I love that toss under the ropes to the floor - makes whoever faces Rey seem like a beast. JBL buried Cole for calling Seth the architect. It didn't help that he then said he was like an air traffic controller too. Sheamus had his shoulder bonked into the post, but still kicked Ambrose's head off anyway. First 619 led to a Bryan knee to Seth, while the second led to Rey getting the hell speared out of him and pinned. Really fun match.

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Thursday, January 30, 2014

TNA Impact 1-30-14

THE SECRET INVESTOR IS FINALLY REVEALED! After 2 whole weeks. The show-opening video opens with no audio. A terrible-sounding Tenay VO aired for a Sting farewell video. JB and Tenay are just yelling and can barely be heard, while Angle argues with Spud, EC3, and Magnus. Spud has a bright blue blazer and a black and white polka-dotted pair of slacks. EC3's got a white blazer, a white belt, blue pants, and a bright red shirt. Magnus can barely be heard on the mic. The audio is just awful here. I do love how packed the arena looks - it at least APPEARS to be major league, although it's got ECW-level audio. I like EC3's little American flag pin on his blazer. Magnus referred to the company shedding 80% of its roster as a thinning of the herd. I love that Magnus's character is thoroughly based on his Fighting Spirit columns.  Magnus took all credit for taking Hardy, Sting, and AJ out. Then EC3 bitched at him, barely audible, and then Joe and Angle came down. More words that can barely be heard. Magnus made a tag match with himself and EC3 against them. HUGE Ethan chant here. Oh good. The main event isn't just made in the opening segment, BUT IT GETS TWO SETS OF STIPS! Dixie came down and asked Joe if he could hear her. No, we can't - no one can hear anyone! Then she said "cut the music" with none playing. I can't believe they didn't edit that out. Fans with ICW shirts on chanted PAPER CHAMPION, then a TNA FEARS ICW chant made air. Good God, that was 15 minutes of talking that could barely be heard. OH NO, JOE'S KIDNAPPING VAN IS BACK!

The Wolves got out of the mini-van at least looking like stars in black suits. Gail and Tapa got jobber intros against Velvet and Madison. They recapped their history at the BPs...Oh yeah, Madison was a BP. And a blonde. Velvet's blue velvet gear is quite hot. Velvet's ass is looking great in this gear. And they won in like 2 minutes with In Yo Face. Nice doggy style post-match pose. Sabin came out looking like he's been homeless for a month, which is a fine look for him. Velvet broke up, then yelled "I'M VELVET!" - so Velvet knows her name. Good for her.  Angle ran into Roode's dressing room and attacked him. They came back and Angle yelled about Roode costing guys their jobs. Thank you Kurt, for loudly yelling exposition! And then Joe threatened to murder him on TV. They showed a main event graphic for .01 seconds before Storm came out. Russo has to be back. Storm's out in his T-shirt. Must mean he's ready for a TNA World Title shot tonight!

Storm said that he and Gunner were friends before TNA...well, that would've been nice to know before. When they were a team. "To be remembered" - the words of Gunner Manchild. More talking. A fat, balding old guy is texting instead of paying attention. Oh, and Storm wants finality for a feud THAT ENDED! Gunner talked about his son, Storm's kids, and how you'd do anything for them. He said he told Storm dark things - how he got the name Gunner, and how he sacrificed everything. There are some compelling threads in this story, but they're not forming whole cloth with this execution. Gunner is fantastic here. Storm's putting him over, and the crowd's going crazy for all of this. This would be a great team-forming promo. This is getting way more of a reaction than I expected - it's definitely delivering the goods. It's a great promo to form a team. Shame it's happening after they've been a team, been tag champs, had a feud, and blown it off. Bad Influence came down and said he should put the case on the line. YAY, MORE STIPS IN RANDOM TAG MATCHES! Good lord, this fucking show...

Sherrie's Berries ad! Steve Austin's podcast and TNA Impact now share advertisers. Coming soon - Alpha Brain! Shame the Alpha Male isn't around. I hope Bad Influence wins the case and puts it on the line in a game of Tic Tac Toe. Musical chairs would be amusing too, but I doubt TNA's got the budget for that many chairs.  They hyped up Brooke being on the TNA chat. Unless she's doing a webcam Skype chat, no thanks. Tenay hyped up that THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME JOE AND ANGLE ARE ON IMPACT. So of course you'd build this match up over the course of two whole hours. Nice slingshot suplex from Gunner. SUPERFLY HEADBUTT gets the win. Gorgeous finisher there. Dixie said some words to Spud about finding out who the investor was. About half of this could be heard.

Joe got a history vid, while Sting didn't. Then Roode met with Dixie. He wouldn't take her money, and how has scruples for some reason. ODB met with EY. She looks a bit old now. EY's ready to team with the monster, and Spud's ON THE CASE!  "Is everyone in the building ready!?" made air before Tenay ran down the main event setup. Why on Earth can't the Impact Wrestling text on the video wall move? It's like they just used a screenshot of a screensaver. Spud called Scotland the England B-team and got a TON of heat. The Wolves's theme is pretty good. Generic, but it's got some punch to it. They kept their names too, and I don't mind "American" being taken from the moniker. "Nice of you to be in your dad's best suits. Very 2005. I've been in the US for a year now. I've seen the cop shows. I'VE WATCHED MAGNUM TA! Who's the investor!" Spud rules. Alarm Clock put Spud to sleep. YIKES! Didn't need these angles of Spud in tight pants. If anyone interferes in the main event, they'll be fired. I love that being an odd thing. EY-Park history vid. @theRealAbyss. So it really shouldn't have been hard to find him.They showed the X Title for the Tag Title match. DJ Zema was fantastic, then the Bro Mans came out and were wacky. I would so buy that shirt if it did the boom bit. And then an Adam and Eve ad aired with a ton of bleeping.

Tag title match had moves. Heels were great foils here. Ion's gear has five billion colors in it. Abyss threatened a Shock Treatment on the ref. He did it, so they lost. Then he chokeslammed EY. This was a thing. Tenay talked about Abyss giving up the tag titles. THE MONSTER shockingly didn't care about being tag champs. Abyss sniveled on the ramp, and then EY made a monster's ball match for next week. EY is the best part of this deal.  Tenay said "Casket. ROLLING!? TOWARDS! THE RING!?" when Bully rolled one backstage. Samuel Shaw and Christy had a date with some wacky music playing and security camera footage of his room, and his Christy shrine. Bully's got a small casket. It must be representative of all the money TNA's made. Thank God Bully's traded in his fake Harley hoodie for a Motorhead one, and is back to actually cutting promos. Bully said that the crowd loved Mr. Anderson - well, heels are supposed to lie, but that's a bit much. WHY DOES BULLY WANT A REMATCH!? HE DEMOLISHED KEN IN THE LAST ONE!? Bully wants a casket match. Ken and Bully exchanged words. Recurring theme tonight. THIS FEUD SUCKS! Bully wants to piledrive Bully's wife, and not with the move. Then Ken hit him with a chair a few times. Whatever.

Then the world's wackiest video package aired for Angle. He's a cyborg, and they made this clear with 6th grade CGI. My God. And then EC3 and Magnus bickered. YET ANOTHER ADAM AND EVE AD. Enter Spice23 to save 50% on dildos, get 3 DVDs, and get free shipping! The video quality on this ad was shockiingly low. "THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MATCH CAN'T BE OVERSTATED." Sure can't - it's for a shot at a title recently held in a Dixieland match, and defended in non-stop handicap matches. Angle's got his left knee all braced up, and he took a nasty corner charge in the corner where he bumped to the apron. THE INVESTOR came out the limo-van, but only had his shoes revealed because the Wolves threatened the camera guy. At least they had a reason for that shot. Oh, and there's this match going on with world title implications. Nice running diving lariat from EC3 to Kurt. JB said WE SAW HIS FEET! So Snitsky must be glued to the screen. OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY ON THE FLOOR from Kurt, who at least took the bump on his stomach. Choke on Magnus. And just like that, he tapped. Wow. This was nothing. In theory, I should be hyped about Joe being #1 contender, but he won in a nothing match that was overshadowed by THE INVESTOR! They shouldn't have showed the set - ROH's on its worst day looks better. I love Spud covering Magnus's ears from the "you tapped out" chant. It's 11 and there's still no investor. Angle said HE'S BACK. When did he leave? And Angle's going on the hall soon too. MVP looks like a motherfucking star and has one of the rare main event-level themes in the company.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

Raw 1-27-14

Show starts with a Rumble recap focusing on the title match. It just went to the Wyatts and RKO. LOL @ Cena's bored expression in the RKO. WE'RE ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA! Gotta get out the shovels to carve that path out! Brock-Show recap screens. Poor Brock Lizzy as Cole called him. Nice OH MY BALLS sign. Steph got a YES chant leading to HHH making a tremendous booboo face. #hhhoneyboobooface Steph announced a chamber match for the WWE World that Rumble win sure meant a ton. Bryan came out and snarkily asked for them to ABSOLUTELY NOT CHANT YES or Daniel Bryan. The Authority are heels in this segment. Buncha words back and forth. Bryan wants in the Chamber because HE WANTS TO GET WHAT HE WANTS. Whiner. Reigns, take your talents to South Beach. SUBWAY EAT FRESH. Rude, Owen, Savage=HOFers...some signs tonight. Shield came down to attack Bryan, leading to Sheamus in his Halloween getup to help him. Sheamus picked the wrong season to dress in Halloween colors. Cena came down to help them out. HOLLA HOLLA 6-MAN! Yup, and it'll be for Chamber spots. Rey and Cara are out to face the Real Americans. Hunicara's got a slightly different Twitter handle than the real one. Rey is in his red and gold Iron Man gear, while Sin Cara's got gold and red. Zeb talked shit to Swagger, then slapped him. Swagger looked nine million feet tall there with Zeb. Rey and Cesaro were glorious together. TREMENDOUS bit with the 619>senton combo missing, so Cesaro hitting a European uppercut off a springboard whatever from Cara and hit the Neutralizer!

I love that #BNB is part of the Wolfpac. He has some BAD NEWS. The Miz faces Dolph. All of this to build up THE MIZ vs. Barrett. He is so great at this go-nowhere role. Network preview for the Monday Night War. WWE has done a marvelous job of optimizing this footage for HD. LOTS of Sting in this stuff. Fandango's out, seemingly for a match with Torito. Nope. Truth. They had a tremendous WM hype vid with jazz music and highlights. Emma did her wacky dance in a Partridge Family bus dress. JBL knocked Xavier's "genuine pleather" jacket. Xavier put over his PHD working with autistic kids, which JBL put him over for huge. Xavier's shining fairly brightly here just talking about how smart he is - it's not quite as good as those pieces TNA did on him with his friends and family, but still good. They did move and Truth hit Lil Jimmy for the win. Orton's out to cut a promo next!

The Raw GM appeared to be a ring announcer, after getting his own ring introduction. Orton said words, bitched, and then Batista came out in jeans, a purple shirt, a green jacket, and a grey hoodie underneath it. Batista said stuff, and then got DANIEL BRYAN'd. Big Dave is now just yelling a lot. YAY, THE BRINGER OF DOOM BROCK CAME DOWN! Heyman demanded that Brock get his shot instead of Batista. Batista and his nose ring didn't look amused. Seems like they'll do Batista-Brock at Chamber. Dolph's 69 Show Off jersey isn't very PG. THE BATTLE OF CLEVELAND got a main event intro. Miz climbs the ropes really weirdly. So Miz's reverse DDT/backbreaker thing somehow helped Dolph. Miz got the figure four. Terrible small package exchange and the Zig Zag got the win. Great image of Goldust - his scaly gear rules!

Rybaxel faced the Usos. Rybaxel should be renamed Crowd Death. The Usos' fancier floral gear looks less awesome than their indy-riffic pleather getup. Cole informed us that the Royal Rumble panel included past Royal Rumble winners, and included Duggan because he was a former Rumble winner...Perfect flip bump from Axel off the rope kick. Usos beat Ryback. Remember the Ryback push? And the Usos push? And the Axel push? I liked the blind tags and superkicks, but this was just a treadmill match. Next HOF inductee gets announced later. I would so love it to be Sting. OH THANK GOD THE MEGASTARS CONTINUE. IT'S KOFI! They replayed his Rumble spot before Alberto came down. Boy did he not shine at all in the Rumble. And then he cut a promo on Batista, so that'll either be at EC or just some random Raw. Kofi's Joker gear rules - I feel like making it in FPR. Crowd is Megadead for this match. Kofi hit the big D-Bryan dive to 1/100th of the reaction. Alberto's silver, black, and gold gear returns and is quite great. Giant JBL chant broke out, leading to ADR getting pissed. Big JERRY chant while they teased a superplex to the floor. It's so stupid to take a bump off the top in such a nothing match. King got up and thanked the crowd since he's from Cleveland and hey, no one cares about the match anyway. They came back and a Sting-Taker sign made air. Cole said that ALL MATCHES WERE IMPORTANT to build momentum. Boy was that ever a Verne Gagne strawman argument for a match being important. Reminds me of Verne saying he doesn't understand why the fans are chanting boring - he's loving all the mat action! SOS hits, and they reminded us that it was what he used to beat Orton. COMPLETELY forgot he beat Orton two weeks ago. Armbar missed, countered into the kick, which was countered into the Back Stabber for 2. Crazy video game bump for that from Kofi. Grounded superkick won for Alberto. SEE, THIS WAS IMPORTANT BECAUSE HE BEAT KOFI, WHO BEAT ORTON, SO THAT MEANS HE CAN BEAT ORTON! 2K14 hype. THE HOTTEST VIDEO GAME IN THE WORLD TODAY! VINTAGE "THE MAJOR LEAGUE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!" Brock actually faces Batista or Orton later tonight. Brock's actually got a graphic for a match on Raw. With no hype. Wow.

Silver and black trunks, GREEN AND BLACK VEST. Nasty color combo, Cody. Goddamn, the penny belts look good on the Outlaws!  Total face promo from Dogg and he referenced Selena Gomez! So...are the Outlaws heels or what? Billy looks shockingly great for 51. Billy working in a shirt is weird. Nice diving bionic elbow from Cody onto Road Dogg's elbow. Road Dogg is better in 2014 than he was at any point in TNA...maybe outside of the original 3LK skits. Road Dogg is so great stalling here. Good lord, I just got the best wacky cheesy local ad ever for Bob's Furniture - THE OFFICIAL FURNITURE SUPPLIER OF THE REDSKINS. They appear to have gotten CGI done via Fiverr. Cody yelled SUCK IT to Billy after the low-ish high knee. THEN BROCK CAME DOWN AND KILLED DUDES! Brock didn't get what he wanted, so he beat the hell out of the Rhodes Bros. with a chair after some F5s. They showed the mangled chair afterwards. This ruled.

8 divas tag. Digging Brie's white and black gear. It's got pinstripes. Aksana's in her new bootyriffic gear. Nikki's gear shows more skin, but Aksana's got a better ass. Flying snapmares from Nikki look terrible. AJ's wrestling with a hat on her hip. Aksana hit by far the worst elbow drop of the decade on Nikki. Naomi's got the shiniest lipstick and outfit ever. TRIPLE SUPLEX spot. Naomi won with the Rear View. The next HOF inductee is next. With King doing this statement, I hope it's Lance Russell. Yeah, I know it won't be, but they should be doing SOMETHING together in the HOF. YAY IT'S JAKE! The video was just promos, the snake, and DDTs. GREAT STUFF. WM Rewind show hype for the Network - that looks quite awesome, and the WWE Network bug looks okay although I hope they just shorten it to the basic WWE one with the Network styling. They hyped up Sheamus coming back tonight. Faces are out. No Punk or Wyatts on the far. Cole talked about the Yes Movement. I can't wait for next week's Raw where HHH compares the Yes Movement to a bowel movement. I hope this match leads to the Shield vs. the Wyatts not only at EC, but in the Chamber so they can do a pseudo-War Games ala the WWE games. CHRISTIAN GETS A HYPE VID!? He's returning...on SD. Ouch.

Cena looks absolutely ridiculous with bright green arm bands and wrist bands, a bright blue belt, and bright purple boxers. It would appear his shoes are also purple with neon green trim. So he's also going for a Joker motif. Great ROMAN REIGNS chant when he got in there with Cena after they hyped up his Rumble performance. They ran down who Reigns threw out. Hearing that list aloud... having him eliminate Torito was stupid. Sheamus did the clubbering bit to Rollins. Bryan did the corner kicks to Ambrose, who kept guarding his head for body kicks. Cole said they're in THE QUICKEN LOANS ARENA!? Is it anywhere near the DVD Decrypter Dome? Reigns did his badass ground to apron dropkick to Cena. AND THEN HE REVVED LIKE A MOTORCYCLE! He has MASTERED the Superman Punch - it's a thing of beauty every time he does it. Great stuff with Ambrose and Cena led to an AA and a tag to Bryan. Great stuff with Bryan and Rollins. TREMENDOUS sell from Ambrose on the Brogue Kick. SPINNING STF by Cena, but Reigns powered out. Wyatts teleported to beat up Cena. Faced went into the chamber FOR A TITLE SHOT, via DQ. But it sets up the Shield-Wyatts nicely.

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Friday, January 24, 2014

SD 1-24-14

George Scott got a tribute graphic at the start of the show. Given that he's not a mainstream name, and even Lou Thesz didn't get one, this was a pleasant surprise. Generic SD intro starts things. According to Josh, WE'RE ON THE DOORSTEP OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Good lord. YAY ZEB! Zeb knocked Show for being a coward, which is true. Then he demanded that the clip air of his destruction. Amusing promo giving Show and Rey a wacky name. Show-Brock clips. Diggint Rey's Avatar gear and doing a bunch of stuff on the floor. Show hiptossed both the RAs quickly. 619>KO punch leads to the splash and the win. Nothing wrong with it, but everything about this feels like it's on auto-pilot. Heyman came out and said Brock would destroy Show AND THEN THE REST OF THE WWE UNIVERSE.

Brodus and his new theme got about 2 seconds of an intro before Miz came down. Miz apparently said on the app that he main evented WM two years ago. Actually, it was three. BAD NEWS BARRETT came down and said tonight's main event could be great, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH BRODUS VS. THE MIZ. Barrett tried to get a Miz is Awful chant I think Miz is a face again. Or a heel since this chant's actually working. Maybe Barrett's a face. Barrett buried them both, then JBL buried Brodus after burying Miz...holy fuck this thing... It's all about the numbers vid. Batista vid is next. Yikes. Tons of filler by 8:30.

Nope - first, it's AJ-Cameron. JBL said that Tamina looked good in icing...hmmm. They said Naomi got married to Jimmy Uso, AND WE CAN SEE THAT STORY PLAY OUT ON TOTAL DIVAS! Distraction finish didn't win - instead it was the Shining DQ Blizzard. Post-match fight led to the dancers winning and getting their theme played. Batista vid had way too much of Steph and Orton's acting. Love Ambrose's promo about DREAMS HAPPENING IN WWE...except for this year because the Shield's in the Rumble. Love the look Ambrose shot Reigns when he said he'd win the Rumble and main event WM. Roman's GIANT SMILE was hilarious.

RYBAXEL or AXELBACK are out to face the Matadores. This black and gold trim gear looks fantastic. JBL called Torito both a cow and a horse. Josh said the bull looked concerned, which JBL buried until Josh said it was body language that showed him. Nice flying stuff by one of the bullfighters, then a snap arm-lock DDT. Schoolboy distraction finish get the win for Axel! Ryback went from a possible Goldberg match to selling for a bull-suited midget. Punk sez words next.

Long recap of the entire Kane-Punk deal, which wasn't needed how forgettable this whole thing really is. Punk's gonna look the lion in its face on Sunday and PUNCH IT IN ITS STUPID FACE! Kane came out and slowly read his calculation of what chance Punk has to win. It's 1 in 500 a field of 30. Bryan-Wyatt recap. PTPs are mid-ring, Wyatts teleport to kill them. This lasted maybe a minute. D-Young laid out with Sister Abigail. Bryan came out and got the crowd to exhibit a sign of life at 9:20. Bryan's promo outshined Bray, saying that he won't be trapped in Bray's prison of madness - Bray will be trapped in his. Hype for THE BIGGEST CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH IN HISTORY. Good lord does that feud have no traction. Fandango faces Kofi next.

Kofi, who less than two weeks ago beat the WWE World Champion clean, got a tepid reaction. Nice inset promo from Kofi. JBL said that Kofi's win was an upset, but not the biggest of all-time. Fandango went for a Pele kick and...did something sort of resembling that somewhere close to Kofi. Trouble in Paradise wins it. Cena-Orton hype is up next. The TLC recap was pretty good, but man did Steph's statement of ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCHES IN THE HISTORY OF WWE OR PRO WRESTLING come off as so hollow. Heels came out and they hyped this as being a combination of WWE's two biggest factions...kinda sorta sure. Josh begged #TENMANTAG to trend, and JBL buried him for writing it down that specifically. Jimmy Uso used the Bubba Bomb, which his wife used earlier. JBL put over the Outlaws as having beaten the Dudleys, the APA, and the Hardys. They talked about Cody having a strange way of thinking, dating back to his IC Title run "restoring the prestige" of the title. Seth and Cody TEASED A SUPERPLEX TO THE FLOOR, which thankfully wasn't done. Moonsault onto Reigns from Cody. Goldust and the Road Dogg had a fun exchange. Nice super rana onto Billy. Seth's flying knee prevented the final curtain. Spear to Big E. Dive onto Rollins. Billy hits the famouser on the other Uso. Disaster kick, then the pumphandle to Cody. Schoolboy led to a big brawl and a DQ. Bunch of geeks came down and joined in because why not. Punk came down, did some bionic elbows and...yeah that was an ending. Total nothing show.

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Thursday, January 23, 2014

TNA Impact 1-23-14 - Genesis Part 2 - Land of Confusion

Pre-show vid during the credits hypes up Magnus as a paper champion...what a great thought to instill in people. In an odd move, they're hyping up Roode-Angle by showing clips from it before we've actually watched it - at least they're saying it's epic and validating it with a moonsault tease. Spud's arguing with Dixie. I demand that Spud have grey slacks and a jacket on so he can cosplay as Pee Wee Herman. Oh, and the investor storyline seems to be about nine months in here with a hostile takeover, good business, and A WAR! THEY are demanding things. Now the title match is no-DQ, no countouts...what is going on here? This thing is going on for eons. This is the longest backstage bit since the Aces and 8s. Magnus, EC3, and Spud came down. Spud MARCHED down in a pink bowtie, light blue shirt, and a bizarrely-shaded green pair of slacks. WHAT BAR is Spud dressed as? Thank God, MORE TALKING. Magnus is threatening Sting's manhood, and he came down to reply.

Love the Monsters Inc. sign on the hard camera. More AJ Styles talk. Investor stuff. We get this investor shit UNTIL OCTOBER, and it's only January and makes no sense. Maybe it's Claire Lynch and she's saved her Popeye money wisely and is out for revenge! Magnus is saying words, and getting a boring chant in the process. Magnus is dressed like a star here, while Spud is dressed like a total comedy act. A paper champion chant broke out. TEN MINUTES before we hear word one from a commentator, and it's to do play-by-play on a slap to the face. Joe and Sting have their retirement tour gear on. Joe will be in Sting's corner. GunStorm EXPLODES next., whatever. The following is a briefcase on a pole match! Of course it is.

NEW ERA OF TNA video airs. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. Spud said they need to take Joe out, so Dixie put him in a match with Joe BECAUSE HE WAS ON BRITISH BOOTCAMP! Loved him saying he shouldn't because he only won due to it having two girls on it. Spud is amazing. Gunner and Storm did some moves. Storm did the Sin Cara hopping kick thing on the buckle. Super fallaway slam from Gunner. Taz's constant state of confusion about this investor deal rules. I love that every angle in TNA revolves around everything changing forever in TNA. Storm did...a thing resembling a rana off the top. Jesus fuck. Sandman's Heinekenrana  looked better than that. Storm grabbed the case, and brought it down...thanks to an electric chair drop. They said it was like a live ball in football, well, that's new, and despite HAVING THE CASE IN HIS GRASP AND BRINGING IT DOWN TO THE MAT, he lost. If Angle wants to be inducted into the TNA Hall of Fame, he has to beat Roode, and if Sting wants to go into WWE's, he has to lose to Magnus. A goofy super-long ad for a beauty product endorsed by Cindy Crawford aired.

TNA RETURNS TO PPV WITH LOCKDOWN. Angle said he definitely doesn't deserve to wrestle in TNA...if he loses to Roode. Recap vid of Velvet volunteering to go into a GET THAT GODDAMN IMPACT 365 THING OFF THE SCREEN, THERE ARE GIANT TITS ON-SCREEN! She did a webcam video and showed the giant thing her boyfriend got her - a lead pipe! Tenay did some terrible-sounding VO talking about WHAT'S IN THE BAG! They came back and showed Velvet in the cage. This cage has GIGANTIC openings in it - like a cartoon where you can clearly see that people should be able to pass things through it. Nice chest slap in the corner from Aries, who tosses Sabin down then rides him for a sec. "THAT'S HOW FAST YOU CAN MOVE IF YOU EAT STRING BEANS! And other vegetables!" Taz rules. Gotta love the dude in full AJ getup with an AJ banner right next to Velvet. They hyped this up as a match between two former world champions who won thanks to Option C. NOW THAT is something to build this around to some degree, instead, we got a woman wanting to get locked in a cage. TREMENDOUS rolling elbow off an Irish Whip from Aries led to the corner dropkick. Sabin got the bag, AND THE TEDDY BEAR. No lead pipe though. Teddy bear in the trunks led to another corner dropkick, brainbuster, and 9,000th meaningless X Title win for Aries!

A really silly Wolves video aired hyping up the debut of THE INVESTOR next week in Scotland. This was different, but didn't really seem to fit the Wolves at all. Roode-Angle recap. NEW ENTRANCE GEAR FOR ROODE! It looks like a black and red Highspots pleather version of Shane Douglas's vest/robe combo. Corner mount punches from Angle led to a RUNNING POWERBOMB INTO THE CAGE from Roode. Wow. Crazy early spot there, but safely done. Taz talked about Roode being able to shift gears anywhere. If he's so good at shifting, shouldn't he be the shift factor? He also said that if he work ANYWHERE, watch Roode - well, that's true. Things like that make Taz seem genuine when he's given something to work with, and it's a pleasant break from getting so used to WWE's commentary. Rolling Germans led to some cage stuff and Angle got busted open a bit. Roode Bomb countered into the Angle Slam for 2. Ankle lock countered with an enzuiguri by Roode - nice, I don't recall him busting that out before. Roode took off the elbow pad and drilled Angle's neck with an elbow drop. Roode tried climbing out, but was stopped by Angle for a top-rope exchange. Roode went flying off a cage bonk, leading to Angle teasing a climb out. Angle straddled the cage, then got to the corner and missed the moonsault by nine miles. They showed a ton of replays - Angle's knees just had to be mangled by this. They both landed hard and he just bounced. Roode tried climbing out, but got ankle locked. The moonsault meant just about nothing. Angles goes to ROODE BOMB CITY, which gets 2. SUPER ANGLE SLAM! Only gets 2. That really felt like it should've been the finish.  Dueling THIS IS AWESOME/LET'S GO ANGLE chant! Nice slugfest on the top rope by both guys. Nice backhands from Kurt result in Roode crotching himself on the rope. So after a cage powerbomb, a moonsault off the top of the cage, and a super Angle slam, a guy hurting his balls winds up leading to the finish. Wow. I dug the little race at the end and this was good, but a bit too crazy for my liking.

Spud doubted himself, and then EC3 gave him a pep talk. Loved him saying he watched British Boot Camp - about 5-10 minutes of it. He's not the American Dream - HE'S THE BRITISH DREAM! Dusty getting put over huge here. I hope Spud busts out the bionic elbow. EC3 is buys here. The Bro Mans and DJ Zema are out. Ion's got a new giant tattoo on his left arm. #bromansruletheworld, #bestxdivisionchampofalltime "Not only are they the champions of epic fist explosions, they're the best tag team champions e-e-e-ver!" DJ Zema rules. EY came down and got beat up, with Ion's pants falling. Then Abyss came out. Cue joke about Ion picking the wrong day to wear white pants... YUP. It was done after the black hole slam. They should get Kel Mitchel to do a shot in TNA. "I'm a bro, you're a bro, we're bros, cuz we're all bros!" Abyss teased an attack on EY, but he didn't do anything. Lots of filler coming up because they hyped up the world title match right after Angle-Roode. Oh yeah, there's still Joe-Spud. Joe said that Magnus went from being his brother in arms to being SCUM in a year. How dare he insult Brutus SCUM Magnus. He also referenced knives in backs and him holding one.

TNA Maximum Impact VI begins next week. Angle cut a promo about Sting leaving being a cornerstone of the company. Then a bell rang and in-ring action happened that we couldn't see. The camera guy asked for Kurt to give Sting a goodbye message. He looked really sad at the thought of it and said he loved him and he wished him the best. This was a nice send-off for him. Spud's getup is so great - and it's made even better by his silly hair and tan. Joe gave Spud an opening, and Joe just tossed him off. LOL at Joe selling the KENTA combo! Spud's bumping off of corner chops. I love this dude. Super double sledge was countered into a chokeslam tease, then an eye rake helped Spud. Running dropkicks to the knee from Spud led to a corner charge and uranage counter. High knees from Joe led to the muscle buster and the choke. THIS MATCH RULED! That was a perfect match. Nothing about it could've been better. World title is match up next.

They said it was title vs. the contract, and...that's it. No TNA career retrospective for Sting. That leads me to think that Sting has re-signed since it's the end of "his contract", not his TNA career and he's the investor. Magnus feels like a TV Title-level guy holding the World title. He's definitely hurt by having such a rapid rise to the world title because his rise feels more forced and less organic - even Goldberg had to hold secondary gold before getting the main title. Nice back elbow smash from Sting. Sting's back elbow made me think about something. He's got some explosiveness in him, not a ton - but some. Finlay came back at an older age and had a bit of that, but stuck to a really grounded style. Now Finlay worked a stiff style that helped make it seem like he was doing more, and while that's not Sting's forte, I think Finlay could lay out some matches for Sting that allow whatever his physicality he's got left to shine while still having a good, grounded match. Double clothesline spot leads to EC3 coming down. EC3's bright purple gear looks pretty good - not as nice as the bronze and black stuff though.

Joe brawled with Bad Influence, then the deathdrop hit but Ion pulled the ref out. Beyond tired of this goofy bullshit after what, three matches with it over the course of a month? Angle came down and kicked some ass. 9,004 star bump from Kaz off the Angle slam. Superplex from Sting exposed his Muta bald spot for 2. Magnus pulled the ref into the Stinger Splash, then they did the Bret-HBK SurSer '92 finish leading to a tapout, but Roode came down, pulled the elbow pad down and took Sting out with the Northern Lariat. Mag Driver, but there's no ref. After approximately 500 years, Earl was dragged down by Dixie, and he did a super-slow count to take Sting out in theory. Sting's contract was torn up and they hyped it up as the end of the first TNA Hall of Famer. Dixie dressing like a schoolgirl is bizarre. They said it's the end of an era, and the investor's exposed next week. Well see, THEN you should start the new era vids - not before all this.

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Monday, January 20, 2014

Raw 1-20-14 - Batista Returns

It's Martin Luther King Jr. day and BIG DAVE IS RETURNING! Historic black figures were shown in a video. I'm slightly surprised Obama actually made it in given how Vince doesn't like him. Steph did a rah rah rah intro, and they showed a We Want Sting sign. Steph's teeth are super-mega white tonight. Orton interrupted HHH's intro for Batista. "Orton's been in an awful mood all week." - So I guess he saw reviews for his match. Steph and Orton said words horribly. "THE BIGGEST EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR BUSINESS! THE FIRST-EVER OVER-THE-AIR STREAMING NETWORK." These are things a real person would say. They showed Orton's attack on Cena Sr., and some black guy beat him too. In hindsight, it's a bit surprising they had the token black beat Orton a week before MLK Jr. day. Steph ranted at Orton. Good God almighty can someone please force Steph to go to an acting class. Just one. Please. She threatened. To fire. Him. More network babble. WWE Network starring Orton - the Chinlock Channel. MORE TALKING. I could sure go for a Dixie promo right about now. HHH showed THE BACK, where CENA WILL BE LATER. I hope Cena sneaks into the building in a box, complete with a wacky exclamation point when he's spotted. Cruiser Dave in skinny jeans! TO USE A SOCIAL MEDIA TERM! #batistasback. Cole is beyond annoying. He came back, kissed the mat, and hugged Steph and Hunter. So I think they're a face act now. Big E and the tag champs face the

That sure is a dingy office chair just right by the back door for whatever reason. Outlaws face the tag champs for the titles on the pre-show. King asked how, and Cole told him THAT THEY BEAT THE CHAMPS ON SD! #batistasback is trending. #batistasjeans should really be trending. Duggan, Flair, and HBK will be on the pre-show on the panel. JBL, the heel, doesn't support Orton. The heel/face dynamic is weird. Way too much teasing of a Cody/Goldust split from JBL here. Faces go to an ad break with the edge. I love Cole explaining to King, the 40 year vet, how a Rumble match works. They gave Rumble stats and then JBL buried the mere idea of them. GODDAMN is Big E ever explosive given how bad his knees were. Odd that he doesn't wear kneepads. I love him just steamrolling fuckers. Then they did a crazy finish with the spear to Reigns, then the bodyblock, a knee to the gut from Ambrose leading to a combat roll tag and a Blackout for the win.  Superman punch during the disaster kick was incredible. Bryan-Bray recap for last week's big deal. Bryan talks about the Wyatts next.

Bryan got a bit of an intro that showed off HIS NEW RALLY TOWEL! Bryan said he had to go into the family to break them down mentally. He cut a nice intense promo on Wyatt. Bryan teased a beating of the family in the Rumble, but his buncha words didn't get much of a reaction until he said he'd face Wyatt at the Rumble. Sadly, there was no yoga teleport - Wyatt cut a promo on him via the tron. Summer Rae got a partial entrance, despite Summer being in her shortest dress yet. Fandango in his black, purple, and white gear fought Xavier. I dig this gear a lot for him. Intense Falcon Arrow from Fandango. That led to the flying legdrop and a win. Goddamn - Fandango WON A SQUASH. Emma did her dance in the crowd. Mr. Kane and Brad argued. Then they cow-towed to Steph, because of course they would. Kane's hairline is different on the left and ride sides.God. The ac-ting here. And what's worse, it's giving me flashbacks to Kane-Punk on ECW!

Mr. Kane's out. Mr. Kane/Punk recap. Kane read a prepared speech, and then Punk held a mic like it was a knife. Punk attacked Kane LIKE A COWARD. Billy Gunn is dominating the former WWE Champion CM They came back and Billy was on the defensive to some chops. Billy moves around great for a 50 year old. Punk attacked Road Dogg, then hit the neckbreaker on Gunn. Wacky spinning top bump off the apron from Road Dogg. GTS got the win on a very tired Gunn. Kane cut a promo on Punk. Kane-Punk is a match no one on Earth wants to see. Not now. Not Sunday. Not on the Chamber PPV. Not ever. Oh, and Punk's the number 1 entrant in the Rumble. THEY SHOWED A FIGURE IN THE BACK. It was Brock in a swank black and red tracksuit, and Heyman in a giant coat looking awesome. I want that tracksuit.

THE NUMBERS VIDEO AIRED! Steph narrated a Mae video. I can't wait for Steph to get a VO like this devoted to how much of a pioneer she was in her time. That was a great video though. Rey came out...and Cole said it was time for ANOTHER REY-ALBERTO MATCH. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE NO NO NO NO NO NO! Dammit - JBL gave a logical reason for this match to happen again. It's the rubber match. I still don't want to see it though. Alberto got a jobber intro. I would be so fine with them just somehow being able to air clips of this match without the full thing needing to occur. Orton started the show WANTING TO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT OF THE NUMBER 1 TREND ON TWITTER! Goddamn that moonsault was scary with Rey's knee getting caught under Alberto. DAFUQ's with JBL referencing CHiPS in 2014? Next he'll be saying Orton's as serious as Joe Friday. Nasty sorta-Warrior's Way replay. Alberto hit a diving something to Rey. FLYING CANNONBALL DIVE from Rey onto Alberto. Great stuff there. Buzzsaw kick got 2 for Rey. This has been their best match in this 3 match series. TREMENDOUS nearfall with the 619 leading to the splash, but Alberto got his hand on the rope at 2.999. Alberto countered the wheelbarrow bulldog with Vader's reverse powerbomb and hit the armbar for the win. Batista came down to fight him, while JBL talked about their TWITTER WAR! Big spinebuster hit. He's got even more wacky tats than before, and hit an unseated Batista bomb.

Cole talked about Brock and Show's deal on "WE'LL CALL IT OLD-SCHOOL RAW!" you know, like it was called then. Show squawked like a parrot doing a Heyman impression. Because what I want from a Brock feud is WWE COMEDY. YAY BRINGER OF DOOM! Sadly, Brock's not in his tracksuit. They came down and then just laughed him off and left. Show told him to get his ass back here, and then...Brock just came back down. Face to face... Show really doesn't seem as big as he should seem in there with Brock. They did a corner charge and Show alley ooped him over the ropes to the floor, with Brock doing flips. Dude earns his pay each time he's out. Brock's being a bit too silly with the bumping, but he's determined to at least make this memorable. I'd probably dig this more if Show wasn't just a mid-card tag team nothing a month ago.

AJ and Tamina came down, and they showed a skit where BAD NEWS BARRETT in a black velour suit insulted her. This skit sucked. Funkadactyls came down to face them. Naomi got the hawt tag and did the flipping Taker/X-Pac lariat, and then demolished AJ and shook her ass a bunch. Naomi got a rollup and beat AJ! I'm astonished she didn't lose for her honeymoon!  They hyped up a recap of the Authority saying words before just showing Batista being great. Usos face Rowan and Harper for whatever reason next. Quick WWE Network hype graphic. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS setup once again. They pay an entire writing time money and they can't even come up with a different line for this? New vid talked about how Kane's many eliminations are good for business. Kofi's pogo stick deal was also shown. Replay of the original MLK video that started the show.

Loved the Usos dancing all wackily to their theme. Usos whooped some ass with nice kicks and strikes to Harper. DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP TO WATCH HARPER MAKE SILLY FACES! Crowd did nothing, Bray got up out of his chair and said DOES THIS NOT PLEASE YOU!? He stopped during a chinlock. More USO CRAZY stuff from Cole. Stop trying to make Uso Crazy a thing. It's not going to become a thing. Flying Uso! Harper countered the other, then Bryan attacked Bray. Schoolboy cradle for the win! YAY! USOS GET THE KOFI-LEVEL WIN. Speaking of Kofi, where's the man who BEAT THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION last week? WHAT THE FUCK!? HE'S FACING ORTON AGAIN!? Oh boy. They showed a graphic for the tag title match - Billy looks 60. JBL repeated his "WE GOT A HO, A WOO, AND A HB-SHIZZLE!". JBL alternated between putting Kofi over for the win and burying for it by saying it was a fluke. King said even if Kofi won again, it would be a fluke. So even if Kofi wins tonight, it's still a fluke. Clearly, someone said "book him like Chris Weidman" and they decided this way the way to do it.  Orton stomped slowly. Look at the ramp. Sorry Kofi - only Cena can have Superman gear on. Poor guy's doomed. Kofi lost by DQ when Cena came down and brawled. Cena had to wait so long so his new shirt would be ready. He's also got a bright green arm band and a rally towel. They brawled in the crowd. I love Orton casually strolling away from Cena, and Cena brawling with a rally towel in his pocket. Orton got into a car and left.THE MOST ANTICIPATED REMATCH IN RECENT MEMORY! Really now? AFTER THAT BULLSHIT!? Cena ended the show posing. Wow. That was nothing.

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Friday, January 17, 2014

SD 1-17-14

Outlaws are out to start the show. MIZ IS ON COMMENTARY. Cue giant Michael Scott NOOO! The Outlaws just did their usual I think they're faces or whatever. Miz implied that JBL was intimidated by him, which resulted in a hilarious reaction. Given how JBL buried this fucker on commentary when he debuted, this is odd. Goldust as face in peril rules - love Cody helping him with a punch to set up the snap powerslam. JBL buried Miz for saying Cody's "as fresh as fresh can be". Cody finally got the tag and the crowd went mild. Nice counter to the famouser, then a snapmare to one on the Cross Rhodes. Disaster kick hit and Vickie came out to...remind everyone about the Royal Rumble match. Well that's really weird. It made sense when she got to brother vs. brother and gave the Outlaws a win via schoolboy. Goddamn do these stupid distraction finishes WITH A SCHOOLBOY get old. Punk talked with Renee about calling out all of the Shield tonight.

Eva Marie did a little bit introducing Rey. He faced Alberto in yet another match between them. They did some moves, Alberto made silly faces AND THEN ATTEMPTED TO UNMASK REY. He damn near did so as well, revealing the entire right side of Rey's face other than his forehead here with no build in a match that wasn't advertised in advance and isn't even a major match in a rivalry. Great buzzsaw kick from Rey off the sunset flip counter. Rey got 2 off a tornado DDT that shockingly looked better than Cena's. Wheelbarrow armdrag set up the 619 and the splash, but Alberto countered. Rey countered the kneeling superkick with ANOTHER SCHOOLBOY WIN. And then Alberto destroyed him.

Nice recap of Bryan turning on the Wyatts from Raw. Bray cut an intense promo about Abigail saving him as a boy. And that he had to sacrifice himself on Raw to be resurrected to become the creature he was born to be. He also said he's already dead, which is a bit odd given that Taker's still around. Punk talked to Renee again about calling out the Shield...was he just hanging around there this whole time? Did he grab a bite to eat and go "hey, I wonder if Renee's still around..." Funkadactyls faced AJ and Tamina, BUT FIRST they showed Emma and her #EMMAtainment sign. There was also a dude there in an ROH hoodie. THERE WAS A SCHOOLBOY CRADLE AND IT ONLY GOT TWO! So I guess the divas are more durable than the men. Naomi won with RVD's split-legged moonsault.

Mae tribute vid aired with Cole's voiceover. Heyman said words about Show, then Show talked about Heyman. This didn't really go anywhere. Big E faced Fandango in what has to be their 900th match on TV. Fandango hit some nice mounted punches and a really explosive dropkick. His left-arm shortarm lariat was sweet too. Big E did an awesome bridge up to toss Fandango out. They talked about the IC Title and JBL said he was champion, and like Miz, he was relevant once too. OUCH! Then they just buried each other with little barbs. Okay - this could wind up being very entertaining. It's either going to be that or really annoying - leaning towards the former though since it's got Miz on edge and he's not going through the motions like on Main Event. Bodyblock led a Big Ending tease, but it was countered. Then he nailed it again, straps went down, and he got the win with the Ending.Warrior and Batista hype. I wonder if Batista inducts him since he was such a huge fan of his. Shield talked the Rumble plan with Renee. Dean said they had a plan for the Rumble and said "do I not look like a trustworthy person to you?" - TREMENDOUS! Dean said he couldn't toss them out, but Rollins said it would never happen. Dean said he was kidding, and Reigns said he'd chuck them both out - but ONE OF THEM would win the Rumble, and they'll still be the Shield. Aksana did another little promo hyping up the Usos-Real Americans.

Cena Sr. attack recap. Zeb came out in a wheelchair and neck brace. He rightly called the Big Show a bully. He, like everyone, wants Brock to destroy him like Show did to him. Zeb as the modern-day Ron Wright from SMW is so great. I hope he begs for help for wacky surgeries, then has miracle recoveries. Zeb's beard looks even more massive with a neck brace. Cesaro used Zeb as a human shield, THEN ZEB TRIPPED THE USO AND high-fived Cesaro. I love this gimmick.THEN THE USO GRABBED THE WHEELCHAIR AND WHEELED HIM INTO CESARO. They bumped on the floor. Zeb's taking an awful lot of bumps considering how old he is and that they won't let Flair or Lawler do anything. Electric chair drop led to the big splash and a win. THIS RULED. The main event was...Punk saying words and being surrounded by the Outlaws and the Shield. Mr. Kane came down to calm down the situation. Punk called Kane a SEVEN FOOT TALL SELLOUT SUCKUP. This bothered Kane for some reason, and he sent the goon squad to kill him. They just distracted him to set up a I guess it's Mr. Kane vs. Punk at the Rumble. Or a random Raw - not like it matters.

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Thursday, January 16, 2014

TNA Impact 1-16-14 - Genesis of McGullicutty

A NEW ERA BEGINS ON GENESIS! Taz and Tenay did a verbal tribute to her. "She's raising hell right now in heaven!" Shame they didn't use a photo of her, but the little text tribute was sweet. There is NO ONE in the building as the crowd shot showed. Recap of last week's show didn't help it from looking like bullshit. Spud's out in one of his goofier outfits yet. He's also getting a ton of heat, or maybe it's just some and the lack of it seems like a ton of it. Dixie came out in skinny jeans and a shiny silver top. No. There's a redhead in the crowd who looks like he's from Slingblade. Dixie's getting even more heat than Spud - God that freshens the show up so much. Dixie said AJ's now back "to the beginning" of his career, leading to a WE WANT AJ chant. Magnus came out with both belts, and looks pretty awesome. Loved "Ladies and gentlemen, this is YOUR CHAMPION speaking" leading to Spud doing the wave. Magnus gave Dixie the second belt "because you're the champion of our hearts forever and a day!" Loved her giving Spud her belt "but don't get too used to it - it's mine!" Dixie referenced a giant bonus in all of her helpers' paychecks - they'll be good! Spud struggling to hold the belt is so great. This dude has been amazing since day one in this role. EC3's out. Robbie dancing to his theme is hilarious. Before he could talk, Sting showed up in the crowd and pointed his bat at him. Given that this show actually feels a bit special and it's getting heat, I am so fine with this being Sting's final match in TNA.

They came back and Sting cut a promo in the crowd. "There are a lot of guys in the back who can't be bought - BECAUSE THEY HAVE HONOR!" Hmm...much like AJ now. 20 minutes in and this has really accomplished nothing. Love Sting's passion with this A HOUSE DIVIDED CANNOT STAND speech. Sting's army is...a bunch of goobers, and Joe and Gunner Manchild. What a lean roster this is. Sting trapped EC3 in the ring and hit him in the gut with the bat. Well that's a bit mean - he didn't really do anything. And it was the payoff to something taking up nearly the entire first fourth of the show. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE THIS SEGMENT REFUSES TO END! Joe's got a mic and is demanding a fight. Spud made a 12-man tag right now - so at least the show has a match. Gunner and Storm, instead of facing each other, are in this wacky thing as just dudes. DBZ-style Joe sign rules. Tenay said they were back at the site of the first-ever TNA show in 2002, which sure as shit had more people there than it does now. Tenay hyped up Dixie's twitter hype of the Wolves. Kaz got dumped to the floor with a press slam from Gunner, then EY came in. I have no idea if this is a tag match or a lucha rules tag. ODB hit the fallaway slam on the Ion. Tenay said that Genesis is so big, it'll be a two week thing - so that's how they'll do some of the matches they can't do due to time. Joe hit a dive, leading to Park teasing one before being taken out by Kaz. His mouth got bloody and he Abyss'd up on them. And GunStorm. Joe taps Daniels with the choke, while a fan holds up a Curry Man sign. Velvet being drowned out, and apparently talking in a very echoey basement. Aries thanked her for saying nice things about him on the new trading cards. Velvet DOESN'T WANT TO TALK IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE in the back, so Sabin says they'll do it in the ring.

Angle in his thrift store getup demanded to know where Al and Dixie were. And then he was an asshole to some dude. Sabin came out and said Velvet's VERY SELFISH. Aries came out in purplish pants and said Sabin's the worst boyfriend who ever lived. Aries said he's a vegan, but he'll make an exception for some pigeon pie! I hope #pigeonpie trends. Aries challenged him for a match next week. Aries, AS THE BABYFACE, proposed that Velvet would be in a cage next week. Well, since she started her TNA career in one, this is VINTAGE VELVET. And she's fine with this...okay then. Aries yelled at another dude, now without his jacket on. Simon Diamond, looking enormous and old, in an untucked shirt, talked to Shaw about Christy. Shaw destroyed him.  Simon's got a fashion problem with these neon green shoes. Magnus talked to EC3 about how he beat Sting clean at BFG by submission. They're already teasing a match between these two ONE WEEK into Magnus being undisputed champ. HOLY SHIT, A SCHEDULED MATCH as the hour one main event! Bully-Anderson. Bully came out, Anderson jumped him, and did one move before a break. Goddamn, they're killing the pace of this show.

Anderson's mic tights are indy-riffic, but look decent. Anderson's got a hospital band on - so his wife must've just given birth. They did the back and forth chair bonk spot from ECW mid-card matches. Lockdown's on PPV, and tickets go on sale in a week. Chairshot to the head with a chair assist from Bully...and it only gets 2! Unreal. Guardrail is brought in by Anderson, but it's kicked into him, then he gets slammed onto it. Senton missed, then the Kenton missed. Mic Check on it got 2. This is like every 2000-era hardcore comedy match, but in fast forward. Rock bottom from Bully gets 2...this is just a bunch of stuff. Now it's a video game match. PRESS Y TO IGNITE, BULLY! Bully insulted his kids, hit the mic check, and opted to do stuff with the lighter fluid. Got low blowed and piledriven for a loss. This was nothing. I liked it ending with a piledriver given that it's been so crucial in this feud. Rayne-Gail is on tap for tonight's show. Sting-EC3 seems like it'll be the main event. Angle found Al, who ratted Dixie out, and slugged him.

Angle came down. YAY MORE TALKING! Angle said that Dixie's the reason he came to TNA seven years ago. Seven Dixie said that she was looking out for Kurt's own safety. Well, she was protecting him from himself by having Al drive him around. Buncha words back and forth. I hope a SHOW SUCKS DIXIE chant breaks out. Angle's match was post-poned until next week. BOO! Roode jumped him and hit THE ROODE BOMB. Sounds like he's taking a shit. Madison got jumped by Gail and Tapa. Madison's looking hot. Shame this show's such a clusterfuck.

Dixie, WHO WE HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH TONIGHT, met with Earl and took him out of the Sting-EC3 match. They showed the Gail attack again, but you couldn't hear it due to poor audio mixing with her theme. Madison hit THE SCISSOR STOMP! At least that spot finally has a name. Rayne Drop hit out of nowhere and she won. This got a mild reaction. And she got no celebration, because it's time for MORE TALKING. Ugh. At least Sting was intense. A REAL NEW ERA HAS BEGUN! THE WOLVES met with Dixie - they signed their TNA contracts. They get a TRYOUT MATCH next week. AND THERE'S A NEW TNA INVESTOR! EC3 got his full intro here - it is pretty awesome. Spud came out as the ref with his wacky theme and silly tie. I demand ShopTNA sell Spud's bow ties. "YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!" Spud makes the crowd come alive! With SECONDS, they teased a DQ due to a hair pull from Sting. We're getting AJ-Magnus II here with the bullshit. SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR FROM STING. Dude can still go to some degree. Still though, he wasted in TNA. Ask Dixie for an immediate release if you can get Vince to follow her on Twitter or something. Deathlock showed off Sting's bald spot.  Sting spun Spud around into EC3. Deathdrop. No count. The. Fucking. State. of. This. Show. EC3 won with a schoolboy after Magnus made himself the ref and fast-counted. This was bullshit. Sting demanded a match with Magnus. Okay, Sting faces Magnus with his career on the line next week.

Sting said Magnus disgraced the title, "JJ Styles" and THE BUSINESS. He wanted one more shot and insulted Magnus's manhood to get it. Magnus and his receding hairline came down to confront him. Magnus gave him his shot - but if Magnus wins, Sting's contract is terminated. Sting's possible TNA retirement got no reaction. Well, they did give him a "no" chant upon hearing that his contract would be renewed. I hope he goes into the WWE HOF with Warrior.


Monday, January 13, 2014

Raw 1-13-14

The wacky Wyatts recap from SD aired to start the show. Well, at least that means this is an important angle again. Usos get a jobber intro against Bryan and Bray. Bryan's garbage man getup now looks slightly more formal. Daniel Bryan chant's breaking out. Bray tagged in after some corner kicks and hit some explosive shots of his own.  Love King saying "the fans don't wanna see this!". Harper has a vest on! I should really make him in No Mercy, or FPR. Usos got the advantage with some kicks. This isn't bad, it just comes off as stuff going on. Double dive! Harper and Rowan cause a DQ. Cole talked about how THE USOS WOULD'VE WON if that hadn't happened. Well, it happened, and they still won... They circled Bryan, and he accepted his fate and took Sister Abigail. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" VINTAGE KRUSTY from JBL. And then the Wyatt bit hit and it's Cena's first match next. WHEN THE WWE NETWORK DEBUTS, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH EVER ECW, WCW, AND WWE PPV!

Sandow was in the ring and they showed Cena beating him with one arm. CAN CENA BEAT THIS MAN HE BEAT BEFORE WITH ONE ARM!? Cena's neck appears to be broken in his itunes theme art. DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW WWE ON TWITTER AND TOUT! King talked about how Cena-Orton would now be a wrestling match after the TLC one - VINTAGE TNA! #sisterabigail is trending! I would love just one Bill Watts rant on all this Twitter stuff. Sandow countered the STF with the shittiest-looking version of the Edguctor ever. SUPER DDT tease from Sandow. That shockingly got countered and Cena hit a tornado DDT. Cena doing the tornado DDT seems a bit like Sandman doing a rana off the top. Sandow hit a thing they called a facebuster for 2. It was kind of like that '80s womens spot of two women just grabbing each other's hair and that somehow hurting one person more than the other. Crippler crossface from Sandow led to Cena making silly faces until he picked him up into the AA for the win. Cena Sr. and an ALL AMERICAN BOYS shirt are shown. A Sign Styles sign made air earlier. Outlaws team with Punk later in a rematch against the Shield, so they get their win back. WWE Network hype next.

@OfficialChili thinks the Network is brilliant! Chilli from TLC wants the Network, and so should you! (if you remember what TLC is). Tons and tons of Network stuff. Boy, they're really throwing the Chamber PPV under the bus. Maddox acted badly with Mr. Kane. Maddox made a rematch of tonight's opener, with a steel cage stip! Boy, that would stop the long as no one climbs it. Holy Jesus this whole thing was Taryn Terrell as GM-level bad. Big Show came out, oh, and he's got a match with Brock in 2 weeks. Show gets to kill Swagger. EGADS. Cesaro needs that designer stubble back - the darker hair just doesn't look good. It's camo singlet vs. camo singlet! Chokeslam. Show wins in like a minute. Raw is...stuff for the sake of stuff. Big Show then chased Cesaro, who left, leaving Zeb vulnerable. Show teased him, grabbed his ass, went for a big windmill punch, and then KOed him. Brock, please destroy this giant asshole. Goddamn that was terrible - what awful build for a Brock match. Shield match is next.

But first - BIG DAVE HYPE! Road Dogg came out and cut his promo - now about MAKING SOME NOISE IN THE DUNKIN DONUTS CENTER. I'm sure he's made some noise at Dunkin Donuts. JBL ribbed Billy for forgetting his promo. DO SEE DO from Punk and the Dogg! Rollins mixing it up with a full rash guard on. Lilian's odd saying MAKING THEIR WAY IN THE RING. Cole said tonight's cage match is the first on Raw in over a year. JBL said Billy Gunn needs to be reminded to age. Given that he's working in a shirt and dyed the grey, I think he got the reminder. EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT THE WWE NETWORK, THAT'S THE REVOLUTIONARY WWE NETWORK, ON TWITTER. AND WHEN THE WWE NETWORK LAUNCHES, YOU CAN REWATCH THE ATTITUDE ERA! Cole talked about a WWE site piece on Jake Roberts. Nothing really happening in the match. Punk hit the dive to Reigns on the floor. This Archer ad is a billion times funnier than Raw has been. FLASH FUNK IS TRENDING. Hot damn - maybe Scorpio will get a one shot. Cole tried to get THE FOX over as a nickname for Ambrose. Crazy super dropkick from Reigns on the floor to the apron-draped Punk. Rollins kept yelling to Ambrose to attack the eye of Punk. Reigns threw Ambrose in and let him tag Rollins. Punk went for a tag, but the Outlaws left - VIVA LA CORPORATE OUTLAWS! Reigns got the win with the spear. Reigns demanded a triple powerbomb.This at least takes the focus off the middle-aged part-time guys turning heel. Wyatts deal interrupted and Bray cut a promo about how the Usos should be scared to be locked in a cage with them.

Funkadactyls danced to face AJ and Tamina. AJ has yet another shirt. Kudos to her for becoming the biggest female act in the company over the past five years or so. EMMA was shown in the crowd, AND NXT WILL BE ON THE WWE NETWORK! They hyped up the live special - kudos to them for finally acknowledging NXT. JBL did the M. Bison OF COURSE! bit. Cole hyped up Steph inviting the Patriots to the building - so is she a heel or what? Shining wizard gets the win. Orton yelled at dudes while not wearing pants about wanting to know where the Authority was - Cole said it was due to Orton demanding to talk with them tonight. So he of course waited until the show was half over to do this. First HOFer will be announced next.

BUT FIRST, Orton has to exposit to Kane about Cena at the Rumble, Brock wanting a match, and Kane told him that he could beat up Kofi. That's FORMER MAIN EVENTER Kofi Kingston. BUT FIRST, more Network hype - complete with the countdown. First HOFer is WARRIOR! Complete with a new kickass HD graphic! Lots of block logo blurring on the video. Cole hyped him up as being outspoken and having OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS. Renee met with Heyman to talk about Show, complete with clips. Renee said that Show's path of destruction didn't end with a senior citizen - good to know. Heyman pointed this out. Heyman then said that Show's surgery to fix his agromegaly could lead to idiocy! Paul's doing his absolute best to put a good spin on the Zeb beating. Orton's out to face Kofi.

KOFI WILL BE IN THE RUMBLE, along with a bunch of other dudes. Ultimate Warrior's trending worldwide! Cole is just laughing and saying words now. There's a match going on here. Not that you'd know it from the commentary. Superplex, complete with Orton yelling KICK OUT OF THIS! I wouldn't even bother doing that move in such a nothing match. They talked about how great Warrior's HOF speech will be. DDP and Jessamyn Duke are tweeting each other about Raw. JBL wished death upon Kofi - that seems a bit harsh. Orton locked a chinlock on for nine hours. A super-shitty SOS hit and KOFI WON! WHAT!? Goddamn - think about how much more this will mean when Orton beats him on SD! Orton threw a temper tantrum. Orton attacked Cena Sr, kinda. He was shoved, and then "punched" with Orton's arm way too high up to do any damage. A woman screeched terribly. FINALLY. Build for the Rumble main event.

Replay furthered how goofy this is. This attack looked so terrible in every way. The shove looked bad, the punches looked worse, AND THE ACTING. Good lord. YAY GOLDUST! Tag champs are in the Rumble, and facing Rybaxel next. Ryback should face a breathalizer. They hyped up Ryback's Twitter rant. They buried Ryback for being all brawn and no brains, and explained the arm wrestling stuff last week being due to him backing out against Titus years ago. Cody won with the Cross Rhodes. Rey faces Alberto, because they're Mexicans. And maybe also because Rey's Batista's buddy. New Batista vid. These Batista vids are so awesome. Oh yeah, he's returning on Raw and not the Rumble. Rey did an inset promo talking about winning the Rumble eight years ago. It's impossible to think that was 8 years ago. Rey did the seated senton, which he should probably take out of his arsenal. Rey must've said a bad word after hurting his finger. Alberto missed a shoulder charge and hit the post, then went down back-first onto the steps too. Superkick to Rey while he was hung up in the top rope. Armbar gets the win. Then he said some words. Batista gets to destroy him next week.

WWE Network Twitter hype and a big-ass video package on the press conference. I picked a good time to make a sub. Or paint a house. Mr. Kane on a (Verizon) cell phone is weird. Punk's angry at the Authority due to DX attacking him. Kane said he's got news for Punk - he's in the Rumble match! And he has a problem with Mr. Kane. Main event's next. Outlaws face the tag champs on SD. Some NE Patriots were shown - one had a Winged Eagle replica. YAY ANOTHER RECAP OF THE ORTON-KOFI deal. This feels like a blah SD with all of the recaps and filler. I just noticed that the Usos have alternating wrist bands - one wears one on the left and the other wears one on the right. They got their full intro here. Bryan and Wyatt got the jobber intro - which made sense once they showed them while Kane was padlocking it. Crowd is so dead for this. They did stuff. Crowd didn't care. Break.They did something good with the match during the break, because they cared after the break. Whisper in the Wind gets 2. Crowd got alive for the kicking combo from Bryan leading to the tree of woe dropkick. Crowd began chanting THIS IS AWESOME with Bryan doing stuff, then taking a double superplex. Abigail's kiss led to a superkick. One Uso DOVE OFF THE SIDE OF THE CAGE ONTO ROWAN, and then the other escaped. And then it just meant nothing because they did a little attack bit after it. Bryan got ready for Sister Abigail again, then resisted. YOU DEFY MEEE!  Huge Daniel Bryan chant broke out here. The crowd got even hotter when he finally had Bray alone and just whooped his ass. He took off the garbage man getup and further kicked ass, then tossed Bray into the cage whenever the other Family members tried to get in. HYYYOOUUGGEEE Yes finger point from the crowd led to the knee on Bray. This ruled.


Friday, January 10, 2014

SD 1-10-14

I mainly stayed in and tried to rest all day due to being ungodly cold out, and I wound up sleeping through SD - which is fine since I needed the rest more than I needed to see the show. The spoilers didn't seem all that amazing anyway. Wyatt vid opens the show, leading to the Usos vs. Wyatts as the first match immediately - I love that SD sometimes starts with a match. Rowan's offense being so unrefined and basic adds to his character, and he's gotten reasonably decent in six months on TV. I think you could hear the ref talking to someone from the back right before the Gator Roll - odd. The atomic noogie was credited to Slaughter. Whisper in the Wind from Jimmy is their new comeback spot - and it still works to pop a crowd. Jey is so damned explosive here - he looks awesome! Umaga hip attack hits Harper, but Harper's able to regain control thanks to the Michinoku driver. Taker dive onto Harper. Bryan and Wyatt came down to attack the Usos and the match just ends. Flying knee from Bryan - he's now added kneeling and tongue-hanging to the act. Orton cut a promo with Vickie asking himself questions and answering them in a hurried manner.

Miz TV with Show is up. Miz's set is back, after the nothing one the last time it was on TV. Beyond getting the figure four from Flair, I think he also got his checkerboard suit from him as well. Show's out for this - and JBL's hoping he KOs him. Show saying Brock "isn't the baddest man on the planet" isn't very smart, even if it does make some sense for the character. Show wants a fight with Brock, so here's Heyman. Brock WILL let Show fight him at the Rumble PPV - TREMENDOUS scowl from Heyman. Odd for a Brock match to be made after such a nothing build. BATISTA hype. CES recap. The Monday Night War show adds Austin to the Nitro intro, which just looks bizarre. Rybaxel and the Real Americans face the Matatores and Rey/Cara. This is officially a big waste of Rey. Rey's Flash gear is neat though. They do some stuff leading to the bull doing a flip dive off the top onto Cesaro ON THE FLOOR, which wasn't a DQ, before Rey hits the 619 and drops the dime for the win.  Cole said this was WHAT SD IS ALL ABOUT - a filler giant tag match? Raw recap. Big E-Orton, champ vs. champ, is just the semi main event - while the NAO is main eventing. That's just a bit stupid. A man with a gigantic beard danced along to E's theme! Basic headlock shoveoff led to a shoulderblock and Orton bailing to do some minor stretches to stall. More really basic stuff with backbreakers and back-focused attacks. Orton is controlling the pace and keeping it nice and slow. It's not a great match, but it's perfectly fine and E's not looking bad at any point. Orton stomp led to the VINTAGE chinlock. Cole and JBL had a math discussion. Crowd's dying with this match. It's just not very exciting. Eye poke led to the RKO.

Crazy Wyatt promo I love Bryan as the parrot for Bray's promo. LIEEEE! Woods beat Fandango in a nothing match. Usos challenged Wyatt and Bryan to a Raw match. This was simple, old-school and awesome. Legends part of Raw got recapped. Ambrose has had NIGHTMARES since the snake was put on him, and if it was here, he'd rip its skin off! Road Dogg and Billy "blown up" Gunn came down. Billy's working in a shirt, and finally looks about 45 now facially, maybe a bit older with the grey. Cole laughed about neither the APA or the NAO remembering much about the Attitude era. Road Dogg's head tattoo makes him look a bit older since it seems like he's got a ton of grey, even though it's just the ink going through not much hair. Cole referenced Jesse Jammes and ROCKABILLY being a team before the NAO. Wow. Road Dogg is a great babyface in peril. Punk got the hot tag and hit some stuff before being taken down. Billy got a tag from him and got the Jackhammer for 2. Fameasser to Ambrose prevented by a Reigns spear - NICE finish.

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Thursday, January 9, 2014

TNA Impact 1-9-14

"IT'S A HISTORIC NIGHT!" Sure doesn't feel like it - for TNA anyway. Still, it's a unification match on free TV... a week before the "free PPV on TV show". Dixie's out in a giant pink sweater and leather skirt. This look is bizarre. Why the fuck did Dixie wait until the start of the show to get a contract signed for this show's main event? Even though Dixie's in a turtleneck, her neck looks really old. Dixie's saying way too much here and not giving AJ any time to speak. She wants a no DQ match, and AJ says that's fine - she can have her guys come down and he'll have his. So they're basically telling you that there's going to be a bunch of shit going on - oh, and the boys in the back were the Friends of AJ. A "you don't get it" chant broke out against Dixie. It's impossible to not love this angle revolving around Dixie being a bad owner of a wrestling company who's killing her company with crappy gimmick matches. Magnus came down and had her leave so he could talk to AJ. AJ said that he worked for 11 years to get the world I guess his other reigns didn't matter, and he'll restore honor to the title and Magnus should get his lips off Dixie's ass. This was 12 minutes that felt like 30.

Dixie met with Tapa and Gail to discuss fuck-all. Tapa's ready for something. EY and Park are out for a tag match. Dixie met with the BroMans, who look ungodly oiled up with the lighting on them. YAY DJ ZEMA! Robbie and Jesse's physiques always test positive...I bet. Flair flip opened the match, but Robbie interrupted the strut. EY ran wild with suuplexes and punches - he is such a crisp worker. OH NO! ODB HAS BEEN ATTACKED WITH A HOLLOW ORANGE BOX! EY left, leaving Park alone. Tenay talked about "The ultimate test of endurance!" - getting through this show without caffeine? Robbie clipped the knee leading to the air horn bit from Zema. Bro Down got tons of horns. DJ Zema is so great. Ion's air-horn being in sync with their offense is great - I decree this gimmick to be the best overall thing in TNA since it's actually entertaining. ION'S PODIUM HAS ALTERNATING LIGHTS! It's official - Ion's podium looks more major league than Barrett's. Bro Down on a guard rail because why not. Joe's meeting with Dixie, and looking really old with the beard and giant shirt. Dixie made a match with him against EC3.

They came back and showed Park with a possible concussion, while EY took ODB out. He has NO IDEA what happened despite watching the attack. Storm called out Gunner Manchild. Storm was an asshole. Gunner was a bigger asshole, and Storm challenged Gunner to a fight. I think Storm's the more honorable guy here. Storm demanded a pole match because he doesn't think Gunner can do it again. You couldn't challenge him to a better gimmick match? EC3 jumped Joe. They returned from the break with the brawl continuing. Oh, and Kurt has issued a steel cage open challenge tonight...why is there a cage needed for this? Nice side-swinging DDT leg snap from EC3. Spud and his sweat stains prevented the muscle buster - I loved Joe just selling this as a minor annoyance. Wrench to the knee from EC3 to Joe. Angle told JB he's getting ready FOR THE BIGGEST MATCH OF HIS CAREER at Genesis. No. Just no. They might as well just run his Twitter crawl alongside this to further kill his credibility.

AJ brooded in the back with some artsy shots. They showed the ODB, Park, and Joe attacks. The trainer diagnosed a partial tear of his patella without an X ray. Gun Storm was KOed with movie blood next to them. Sting yelled at Dixie for setting this up - Dixie then talked about THE SPORT of wrestling. Dixie said Sting's like Dr. Phil. The acting here made me pine for the days of Tiffany in ECW. Angle's cage was set up for his match. Angle appeared to be fresh from a shower - just soaked in water before coming out. Roode came out after the break - so the valiant...bad guy...doesn't want to wait a week to kick his opponent's ass. Or not - MORE TALKING. He said it'd be stupid to face Angle tonight - so he put Bad Influence against him. They did some stuff before the 2-on-1 edge led to a ref distraction during a cradle. Chain of Germans led to some belly to bellies. Super German to Kaz onto Daniels. Angle slam on Kaz gets the win. Dixie yelled at someone to leave the cage up, then Roode said he didn't want to be in a cage match against Kurt tonight. He was even more pissed about facing Sting in it. Roode was great here. Roode's outrage is the best thing not involving Ion so far.

Kurt met with kids to take photos, but was whisked away by Al Snow due to an emergency. Roode came out for his...impromptu cage match. Really now - TWO STEEL CAGE MATCHES on one show, with no build for either, no reason for them, and not on Lockdown. At least this should be good-ish since Roode plays Flair perfectly and can get at least a decent match out of Sting no matter what. Why didn't Dixie make this match a 2-on-1 match against Sting since he's the only guy investigating her? I guess she's feeling generous or something. Roode climbed and they showed fans in the front row - not even bothering to look up. They're just sitting with their arms crossed not paying attention. Roode got slammed into the cage and bumped all the way to the other side. Stinger Splash led to the deathlock, but Roode countered with an eye rake. DVD was countered with the death drop and then the deathlock. EC3 and Spud ran down, with the latter hiding behind EC3.  Spud threw a telescopic baton in and Roode won by...escaping the cage. Odd to not pin him, but whatever. This was a fine five minute version of their usual match. Roode is officially the only guy who can get a good match out of Sting now. Anderson went to a funeral home at Bully's request for whatever reason.

Yup. They're at the Aces and 8s funeral home, with goofy music playing. Bully's new gimmick sucks. It's a good thing TNA's off PPV, because Bully's new gimmick is no buys. Bully left Anderson a gift in the coffin - something we didn't see. This gimmick absolutely sucks. Sting met with Dixie, and she threatened to not renew his new deal. I could do without school marm Dixie trying to seduce Real Estate Steve. Recap of the AJ-Magnus stuff. This really didn't even make for a good video package. A ShopTNA hyped up deals on some terrible One Night Only DVDs and God-awful MMA-style shirts. They ran down the Genesis card - everything but Bully-Anderson has been built up well. AJ came out for possibly his final match in TNA history - I should feel more excited about this. Highlights of his TNA run would've been nice, and would've made sense given that Dixie would do anything to sign him for the one night deal. Neither guy actually wore the world title around their waists - which just makes the belt seem like a prop. A fan held up a HE HATE ME jersey! Holy shit! I don't watch football, and only caught a bit of game 1 of the XFL, but I remember He Hate Me.

EC3 and Spud came out like two minutes in to interfere. Then Sting came out. Fuck this. Sting and AJ went back to back. This would be a fine story for a tag match since it's 3-on-2, but not THE WORLD TITLE UNIFICATION. Bro Mans and Ion helped out and got Magnus a 2. This looks so low rent, but makes sense given that Dixie tried to get them to help earlier. Bad Influence came down and hit the H-Bomb neckbreaker. EARL WOULDN'T SCREW AJ and make a count. Earl left, then Dixie came down with his son in tow. High-low from BI gets 2. Okay. This is becoming a video game. Sting took out the tag champs and EC3. Magnus was kicked off of the cloverleaf taking Spud out, and then AJ took out BI with Sting's help. Corner forearm to Kaz, Stinger splash on Daniels! Ion went flying and his pants went falling over the top. Calf killer on Magnus, but the ref was taken out by BI. Brian Hebner took a great bump on the railing - best part of the match by far. Clash on Magnus but there's no ref. Earl came down, but was taken out by BI at 2. Flip dive from AJ onto them. This is a waste of every talented person in this match. Roode hit the DVD on AJ to leave him open for a Magnus attack. He at least got heat for this since Kurt couldn't come out. THREE DVDs to AJ from Roode. That got the win. Odd to not even have Magnus's finishers get the win. Magnus and Dixie celebrated with both belts - AJ's belt was noticeably duller than Magnus's.

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Monday, January 6, 2014

Raw 1-6-14 - Old School Raw

With Lawler being hospitalized beforehand and Mae's issues coming to light due to it, the show feels a bit cursed. Starts off with the Nature shades. Not the best look for him. Seeing Flair with the '96 Raw set behind him is odd. They showed Flair cutting a promo with the 49ers, although sadly, no audio or video was shown. Flair is in checkerboard pants too. Yikes. The red, white, and blue ropes look so much better than the current all-white ones. Orton interrupted Flair's promo. Flair looks a lot less fat than he did during that 2K14 presser before Summerslam. Orton just keeps talking and talking and talking. I thought for sure he was going to say "I'm not sure why this place has so many back and forth exchanges." He's talking a mile a minute. Flair then IMMEDIATELY schooled him without even trying. After watching the Slamboree '00 OSW Review, it's a bit like him doing the same to Shane Douglas, although far less spiteful. Orton then just said more and more words. Ric scolded Orton for not growing up. Okay, that's funny. Orton threatened a beating, but Cena made the save. And then he had jokes! Cena strutted, and it was terrible. JBL's amazing red blazer rules. GO TO THE WWE APP for health updates on Lawler. Come on now. Wyatt vid from SD re-aired spliced in with the show-ending video with Bray talking. Wyatts with Bryan team against the Usos and Rey next.

Roman Reigns was 7 when Raw debuted in '93. Good to know. Faces get a jobber intro. Bryan came out in his gas station gear. I'm amazed they didn't already make a little goat mask to go for the sheep mask Rowan wears. Bryan looking like Rowan really highlights how much shorter he is than him. They did some stuff before a break. Bryan's just looking stoic, and it works. Wow. We get clips of the Usos on the app, but nothing on Lawler. He's apparently fine though. Jewel and PeeWee Herman tweeting about odd. Rey hit a rana on Rowan, which looked ridiculous, but awesome. Harper blind-tagged in to fuck with Bryan, but got cradled and lost. Usos got their theme played for half a second before the announcement of the win. Piper's Pit has the Shield later. Batista hype vid - goddamn his theme rules. And he'll be in the Rumble match. So...why is he coming back on Raw then? JBL's got snakeskin boots on tonight! Recap of Sandow winning due to the shoulder being up. Why this warrants any further coverage, I have no idea. Mr. Kane read paragraph 43 of the WWE HR handbook to Maddox. Big E walked down the Cameo Corridor and met Volkoff, Ted Sr, and IRS. WHAT COULD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT INVOLVING THE WWE NETWORK LOGO BE ABOUT!?

Ryback made a horse joke about Lilian. Axel's facing Big E - neither guy got an intro. This seems to be setting up Big E-Ryback. So much for a possible Big E-Brock match. Good lord the crowd is dead here. Love Snoop giving Brodus a shoutout. Big Ending exposed the Big Baldspot, and Big E won. Then Ryback took some shots at Big E saying he was doing stuff with 2 guys, and people wondered if E could do three, then he told him to get over. Piper came out and is rocking the salt and pepper hair marvelously - he looks so badass with it. Piper looks at least 30 years younger than Flair. Rollins said Piper's jealous because Ambrose is a better US Champion than Piper ever was. Well, certainly better than his WCW U.S. Title run. This is Piper's best work since that awesome promo on the first Old School Raw with Cena. Punk saved Piper, who at least tried to do something. NEW AGE OUTLAWS helped! They really should've given the Outlaws a tag title run when the belts meant nothing, or maybe had the Shield beat them for them. Brock-Henry vid. Rumble highlight vid. Oh yeah, that's coming soon. Batista hype vid for the Rumble - now doing that makes a bit of sense. It's almost like what they did with RVD, but less laser-guided.

Recap of the Hunicara-Alberto feud. Sin Cara's in his red and white cinnamon gum gear against Alberto in white, black, and gold. Hunicara is really bad at lucha. His running flying headscissors looks like it's from a video game with bad collision detection. Alberto wins with the grounded superkick. So that was a thing. Alberto cut a promo on Batista, so he gets to be his first victim. They said King was fine and backstage, and then talked about the Wyatts blaming Bryan for the loss? Why? It was Harper's fault. Bryan nutted up and said unlike these guys, he'd been a tag champion with Kane - which seems to be setting up him being involved with this down the line.

THE BEST DEFENSE IS A FENCE! Zeb's signs rule. The new Cody RhodesDust shirts are awesome. I love this endless series. JBL talking about APPLE PHONE is something else. Sliding running Bret elbow from Goldust. Goldust getting more limber as he ages is bizarre. Cesaro swing was saved FOR THE FUCKING APP! Hot tag to Goldust was teased with 2000 COULD BE HERE AGAIN. I sure hope not - that wasn't a good year for Dustin - I think he was in WCW then. Patriot Lock is on Cody for nine years. Cody looks so skinny in there with him. Goldust made the save. Blind crossbody block off the top from Goldust onto the Real Americans! Low bridge takes out Cesaro. Final Cut, Curtain, Curtain Call, or whatever the Suplex>Neckbreaker thing is called got the win. DDP and Booker T did a DDP Yoga plug, with Booker outright calling it a plug. DDP looked younger than he did before against Heath. Then Simmons showed up. So...old WCW guys age better than old WWF guys. APP RESULTS are next!

Sandow was shown, and Cole was shown clearly reading from his script. YAY RUNJIN SINGH CAME BACK! JBL read the winner. He should've said Voted on the WWE App on yer Apple Phones and Samsung Whatevers. It's Sarge - BOO! He looks ridiculous in the old school ref getup. This match sucked last week, and was worse with Sarge as ref.  Khali won with the chop, but Sandow's foot was on the ropes. GODDAMMIT, THIS MUST CONTINUE! Sarge danced and they said he was twerking. Brock debuted an EAT SLEEP CONQUER REPEAT shirt. NOW we get the old school Raw intro? Brock with '80s graphics and the '97 Raw set is weird - as is the weird mish-mash of eras they've used for the presentation. Brock smiling means doom is coming! Heyman, via Brock, said that Old School isn't about giving legends one last hurrah - IT'S ABOUT ONE MAN REIGNING SUPREME! Heyman said that Brock's line Bruno - everyone wanted a piece of him. Hogan reigned supreme and everyone wanted him. Heyman said more words and Brock did his jig. THERE'S NO ONE IN WWE, MMA, OR PRO SPORTS WHO CAN REIGN SUPREME LIKE BROCK LESNAR! Last week, HE TOOK ON AN OLYMPIAN AND LAID HIM OUT! Loved that spin. Heyman did the valley girl loser L bit. Then he repeated the T-Shirt slogan and Henry came down again, got some offense, but got taken down and had his arm broken with the Kimura. Brock's crazy eyes during this ruled. Surprised Big E didn't come down to make the save. Show came down instead. Shame this isn't fresh off of the Authority stuff, because Show has no momentum now. Brock took a great backwards bump off the ring from a beal.

Truth and Woods against the Real Americans was hyped up for Main Event...for God knows what reason. Bellas came out to face Aksana and Alicia. Brie seems unconcerned with her fiancee's life change. Alicia is dressed as a sailor, not a sailor scout, just a sailor. Nikki did a tweak the knee spot on the floor. Thankfully, this wasn't career-ending. JBL hyped up Aksana being the only Lithuanian on the JBL and Cole Show. Cole's got some nerve calling that the dumbest statistic he's ever heard. BRIE MODE missile dropkick missed, and Aksana got the win. better not crash during the Network announcement. Scotty 2 Hotty being a firefighter is kinda funny.

3MB's out. Slater's got new black and gold gear. Shockingly, it's 3MB vs. Too Cool. I loved these guys in the '00 Rumble. Brian's looking better than he has in many years. Cole called them the Hip Hop Twins, which JBL knocked him for. Outright saying he's just making crap up. Well, he'd be the expert. THE WORM hit. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP. Like Mistico being AAA and CMLL champion. Scotty was a great face in peril. Rikishi always had a big ass, but seriously, he's got a big ass now. Vader butt drop off a sunset flip got the win for Rikishi. This was a lot of fun. I could see Too Cool getting a part-time run off of this, or at least be someone they call on for legend shows. Rikishi...probably not so much.

 Usos face Bryan and Wyatt next week. All the legends came THE GODFATHER'S theme. Bob Backlund finally has some grey hair. Bad News Barrett appeared. Oh good. They changed the podium and logo. BECAUSE THOSE WERE THE PROBLEMS! Barrett has apparently joined the Wolfpac judging by the logo. Main event is next. Yet another awesome Big Dave vid! Orton faces Big E on SD. MEAN GENE! CALL THE HOTLINE! Only $6 a minute! He introduced the Outlaws. He should've pimped 1-900-DL-THE-APP.  "Billy's blowing up", and not rocking the deep-dyed blonde and grey hair well. Ribera Steakhouse jacket! And matching gear for Punk. They hyped up Punk having rib injuries caused by Reigns - would've been nice to hype that part of that up at some point over the past week, what with a ton of hours of TV time to do so. REVERSE bear hug after a blah elbow drop from Reigns. Crowd is still dead. They've been doing very little tonight. Superman Punch misses and leads to the Cro Cop high kick from Punk. RUNNING POLISH HAMMER by Punk! Sheamus won't be pleased. Flying elbow connected nicely, but the move still looks terrible. Kinda surprised he didn't bust out the Savage gear tonight, but it wouldn't have fit the jacket. Outlaws taken out by the Shield, and Reigns hit the Superman Punch as a counter to a springboard whatever for a 2.9! Crowd chanting this is awesome will be used for the eventual video package on this when they track Reigns's face turn. Reigns called for Ambrose, who got on the apron and gave him an opening to spear Punk for the win. JAKE ROBERTS CAME OUT! AIRPLANE SPIN GTS TO AMBROSE! I was hoping he'd just spin him into a DDT. I'm disappointed he didn't spin him right into the DDT, but damn that ruled! And then Jake ended the first Raw of 2014 by having the snake kiss him. This wasn't a great show, but it was damn sure a lot of fun at times.

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