WWE Royal Rumble 2020

This year's show is pretty cold beyond the men's Rumble itself - but should serve as a nice break from all of the Kobe Bryant news dominating things. The man was an absolute legend in his field and his loss is something that will be felt for a long time. A wacky Lacey Evans commercial airs with Bayley saying that she'll make sure Lacey's brat daughter can see her lose first-hand. Then the panel talks about Lacey being a loving mother a lot. This is the new Britt is a Dentist!

Sheamus is out to face Shorty G. They've got a non-tron in a straight line with Sheamus being shown with like half a house tops behind him. Shorty G's MANTRA ABOUT BEING SHORT is recapped in-depth by Cole. They proceed to do...stuff for a while. How do you have a David vs. Goliath story this boring? IT'S LITERALLY ONE OF THE GREATEST, SIMPLEST STORIES EVER TOLD. Sheamus grinds away with a finger lock for a while.

Corey calls Sheamus' offense "torturous". Torturous is a good way for Corey to describe this match. Corey tries to get Sheamus over as THE FELLA. That won't get old at all I'm sure. Moonsault block is caught by Sheamus, who eats a DDT. Ankle pick allows Sheamus to go for a Brogue, which G ducks and gets an ankle lock on. Brogue hits and ends it after 45 or minutes. Or maybe it was 5. THE FELLA IS BACK according to Cole. A GAME SHORTY G. Poor fucker is now getting jobber-level hype on commentary.

Sheamus is hyped up for not aging on the panel. Halloween-themed Mexican vs. the Hispanic Ranger. Hyped! Andrade is back in white thank God. Carrillo's name is botched by the announcer and King as Roberto. Andrade misses a big PRIDE stomp on the mat. Andrade gets a wacky lucha submission on before Carrillo escapes and gets a crossbody. Super rana gets 2. Humberto goes for a rana, but Andrade rolls through and wins with a sunset flip.

Big SD hype video airs to make the show seem at all exciting. Austin narrates a video package about the Royal Rumble itself. Dude's got a hell of a voice and is so intense - how hasn't he gotten much voiceover work? Roman eliminating Brock will FINALLY give him some kind of win over him - FIVE YEARS AFTER THE ROAD TO ROMAN-MANIA began. Actual highways have been built in less time. HERE. COMES. THE. BIG. DAWG! Why does Roman have go away heat again?

Roman comes out with a wacky bronze BIG DOG video before Corbin's out with his sedan and we get a dog food recap. We get a walk and brawl before a slam gets 2 for Roman. Deep Six gets 2 for Corbin. Walk and brawl in the crowd. "There's no royalty from Texas!" is a low-key great line from Corey about KING BOO-KAH! Announce table chokeslam by Baron. Roman Samoan drops him through a table in the crowd area. Finally, after a decade, Dolph and Roode attack Roman. WILD PUNCHING. Cameramen swinging cameras around to simulate excitement! I think Corbin slammed an Uso on a guardrail next to a big black box.

Of course the Rumble show opens with a row of portajohns. Roman moves around THE STRUCTURES as Cole calls them and dumps Corbin in one before tipping it over.  They fight on top of the dugout for a while and he chairs Roman. SUPERMAN PUNCH ON THE DUGOUT! SPEAR ON THE DUGOUT THE BIGDOGWINS!

A KO and Joe promo airs with some random buffering. Fire and Desire chat about being partners. Sonya says she'll throw herself over the top to sacrifice herself for Mandy AND THEN COLE TALKS ABOUT KOBE. Why not just start the show with this? Women's Rumble is up.

Alexa's out as #1 with Bianca Belair as 2. Backbreaker and wacky moonsault hit for the EST. Mighty Molly is out. Crossbody off the top to both of them. Nikki's out for some double-teams. KOD to Cross onto Bliss. Code Red by Bliss. Lana's out as a WW Superstar and cuts a heel promo on the fans. Her Captain Marvel getup is great  Mercedes Martinez is out and then Liv takes out Lana wearing hot leather.

Lana takes Liv out and then Mandy comes down. Cross strips down and crossbodys Mandy. Candice is out and then Bianca takes out Molly. She tries to take out Mandy, BUT OTIS ACTS AS A CRASH PAD. Sonya and Mercedes stiff each other a lot. Fire and Desire knee Mercedes and take her out. Kairi comes down and Naruto runs to the ring.

Kairi massacres everyone and gets an Alabama slam before the Inssane Elbow and Yim comes in. Bliss is used as a weapon to take Cross out before Bliss uses Bianca's hair to prevent her own elimination. Fire and Desire are thrown onto Otis taking them out, after he saved Mandy again by catching her when Sonya accidentally hit her. Bliss slaps Kairi off the top to take her out.

"You've heard that the worst has yet to come - she has arrived" - Well, King is right about Tamina. Bianca takes out Tamina and has 6 eliminations here - a new women's Rumble record. Dakota Kai's out to her new metal theme. Chelsea Green is out and is taken out by Bliss. Bianca takes out Dana Brooke. Bianca goes to powerbomb Bliss and get a thong slip before Bliss is taken out via a post shot.

 Charlotte's out and they go back and forth. Naomi comes out in a ridiculous outfit with a giant fro. It's amazing how much of a legend Beth is considered in WWE given how little she really did as a pushed act. Bianca goes up top in a corner with no one there for some reason and Charlotte takes her out. Kelly Kelly's out and stinkfaces Toni before Sarah Logan comes out. Xia Li comes out and boots Toni down.

Beth's head is just leaking blood. Shotzi Blackheart comes down to a better reaction than most in this. Naomi avoids elimination by hitting the barricade and Carmella's out. Tegan Nox comes out and then SANTINA MARELLA RETURNS! Boy does Santina play totally differently in 2020 than 2009. And it wasn't exactly great or progressive then. She hits herself with the cobra and that's it. Well, easier payday than a match with Toru Yano.

Shayna's out at 30 and gets 7 eliminations quickly. Naomi makes a table topper bridge and gets back in to get thrown out. Carmella's out like a sack of shit. Charlotte and Shayna square off. Shayna takes out Beth and Shayna's taken out with a rope-assisted headscissor. Well that accomplished very little. Shayna really could've been made in one night. She gets booed and says that she's a diamond and regardless of if anyone wanted her to win, THIS IS HER DIVISION.

Emo Bayley is out before they show Lacey with her daughter and she boos Bayley. We get a long recap of her military career while Bayley kills time. BME misses and Bayley wins and holds the tights kinda while Cole says SHE'S CERTAINLY A FUTURE CHAMPION! 

Bryan vs. THE FIEND is up. It's a strap match with a pin or submission rule - that's better. Not as good as JUST THIS BEING A STRAIGHT MATCH, but better than four corners with wacky lights. Just a reminder that before he came up with The Fiend, Bray Wyatt was off TV forever after being Matt Hardy's lackey in the undercard of Raw. So while he's not a great worker, he is damn sure a genius at making himself come off like a star when he needs to. 

Bryan gets strapped a bunch.before a flying knee gets 2. Bryan doubles up the strap and beats Bray's back. Yes kicks are mixed in with strap shots. Knee plus is attempted, but sister abigail hits for 2.9! Mandible claw in the corner, but Bryan gets a triangle over the rope. Bryan gets the Yes Lock using the strap. Bray gets some grounded elbows, but can't keep him down. KNEE PLUS GETS 2. Crowd is living and dying with Bryan here. It's incredible just how good he is. Bryan straps him, but Bray no sells it and he gets the claw. Refs gather around Bryan as he's all sliced around the elbow. It's rare that WWE lets anything breathe, and this was great. 

Becky vs. Asuka is up and Becky lands a giant gordbuster off the apron. Asuka counters a suplex with a sitout spinebuster for 2. Asuka punts her and lands a buzzsaw kick for a long 2. Becky gets the disarmher for the win. This was good-ish, but didn't really click outside of the punt. Street Profits do a skit. 

Booker is out for commentary. Lashley and Rusev are out of the Rumble due to a brawl earlier. Brock's out at 1 and Elias is 2. He gets tossed out as does Rowan. Roode's out and strikes him before eating a lariat and an F5. Brock parades around with the belt before Morrison comes out. Brock push kicks him and belly to belly suplexes him out. WOW did this ever drop him down a dozen pegs. Kofi's out and he gets the better of Brock briefly. Kofi's got a Kobe armband on. Rey's out! Big E's out too. They gang up on Brock, but not even Rey as Batman can do much. BIG ENDING TO LESNAR! Brock takes Rey out and then dives off E for a lariat! 

Kofi's F5ed out! Cesaro comes out and gets a few uppercuts in before being tossed out. Shelton's out and Cole talks about his experience with Brock. Heyman hugs him and then Shelton hugs Brock - before they square off for the next entrant and Brock just Germans him and lariats him. Okay, so Brock did take it easy.

Nakamura's out for part of what would have been a dream match five years after it was actually a match a decade ago. Nak gets a kick, but gets tossed out. MVP returns in Black Panther garb with Brock dancing to his theme. MVP snaps his throat on the rope, but eats an F5 and that's it. Keith Lee's out and this has folks on edge. A staredown leads to Keith landing a pair of tackles and a corner charge. Braun's out and he dropkicks Lee. Floor charge to Lee and a lariat to Brock mid-ring. Braun and Keith go at it and Brock takes them both out to tie Braun's record.

Ricochet's out at 15 and low blows Brock leading to Drew claymoring Brock to send him out! Drew grabs Ricochet and tosses him over the top in one go. Drew takes on Miz and sends him out while Brock gets a "goodbye song", but stays in the time keeper's area. AJ gets both a P1 and Phenomenal CG graphic. Anderson comes out and we get random beatings until EDGE RETURNS. Edge throws a bunch of spears and wisely doesn't just throw his head into the mat anymore.

Edge eliminates AJ and Riddle's out in black white leather. Drew takes out Corbin. Orton's out and we get a Rated RKO reunion taking out the OC. KO runs wild with cannonballs in the corner and a pop-up bomb to Drew. Drew walks into the Black Mass. Joe fat trumpets down to the ring. Joe and KO fight it out before Seth comes out. KO and Joe roll out to brawl with AOP. KO tosses Seth out, but AOP catches him. Seth takes out KO. Clutch to Seth, but Buddy attacks him and Seth takes Joe out. Joe and KO brawl with AOP. Now Seth has to face Rated RKO, Drew, and THE BIG DOG!

Seth wants to team with Roman, but eats a Superman punch, an Orton powerslam, claymore, and Drew tosses him out. WHY COULDN'T EDGE SPEAR HIM? Double RKO to Drew! Orton teases an RKO to Edge, but gets caught and shrugs it off. EDGE TOSSES OUT ORTON! Slugfest with Edge and Roman leads to a Superman punch to Edge. EDGE SPEARS THE BIG DOG AND TOSSES HIM, but Roman gets the apron. Edge is out and Roman goes to take out Drew. Claymore hits and he tosses out Roman to win. Drew McIntyre will main event WrestleMania...and that's with tickets not selling great. Oh boy.