WWE WrestleMania 36 TOO BIG FOR JUST ONE NIGHT Night 1

 ROSENBERG ON THE PRE-SHOW?! Goddammit, haven't we all suffered enough this week? Corey hypes this up as the most unique Mania of all time. The card for night 1 is set DURING THE PRE-SHOW. Long KO vs. Seth recap video sets up their issues over...whatever they're angry about. 42 MINUTES LEFT IN THE PRE-SHOW!? Fucking hell - get on with this shit. A CHANGE IN PLANS brings Braun into the Universal Title match.

A Pee Wee Herman reference in a song in 2020. Truly WWE has their fingers on the pulse of pop culture. Kudos to Morrison for at least getting to keep the Mayor of Slamtown gimmick intact, despite that being his own knockoff of Suplex City. I can't get over how terrible the IC Title belt is. The '98 version is five billion times better than this one. Corey compares Bryan and Sami's run on the indy scene preparing them for shows with no crowds. Oh fuck off.

Now Drew Gulak, the 205 Live veteran, is the true master of working a great match with no crowd reaction. Gulak-Cesaro should be quite good, and something I need to do in 2K19 later. Gulak is turning the yes lock into a transitional move in the WM night 1 pre-show. Wow. Snap sunset flip off a leapfrog gets 2 for Gulak. His UFO, the inverted airplane spin ends it for Cesaro. This was...maybe two stars? They were in first gear the whole way and then it just ended. Night 1 is way stacked up. Night 2 is pretty lean in major matches outside of Brock-Drew. Goofy Netspend ad with Becky and AJ.

Recap of Corbin sending Elias into the Pit from Mortal Kombat. I hope Reptile runs in and helps Elias beat Corbin. Corbin sings with a harmonica and stands over Kayla on a box. Women's title triple threat from last year is recapped. More ads. Women's chamber recap. Shayna's neck biting deal was at least entertaining. OH JOY ANOTHER PANEL OF WWE TALKING HEADS! Can Mox run-in on Mania too? Rosenberg's insight is that Shayna didn't show up to lose. No shit?! If the Boneyard is just a graveyard under a different name, then they'll have once again not learned the same lesson from 22 YEARS AGO with the offensive part of Steph being put on a cross wasn't in being called a cross - it was IT ACTUALLY BEING A CROSS despite what wacky term they called it.

Steph starts off WM by saying that this will be the most different Mania of all-time due to CERTAIN CICRUMSTANCES! YES! WWE IS FINDING A NEW WAY TO PUT THEMSELVES OVER. Thank God. I'd worried the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES would prevent them from patting themselves on the back. This is a unique way to get a billion A listers to peform America the Beautiful and pay them no additional money - kudos!

The WM hype video plays up the pirate theme, mocks it, puts the roster over, buries the narration, and has a weird timeline. Whatever this was, was shit. TEN MINUTES IN, we get a more normal WM video package. I hope WWE was able to tape some stuff in Mongrovia. Haven't heard about any travel issues there. Gronk is dressed like 1986 and he'd better be all coked up.

Heels tag in and out constantly, so Lexi trolls them both by mocking their poses and dancing respectively. Nikki and Asuka exchange some nice forearms before Kairi double stomps Alexa for 2. We're getting cuts EVERY SECOND in this match. It's impossible to get a feel for the flow of the action with this setup. Buzzsaw kick gets 2 for Asuka. Nikki comes in and pops her top off to fly off the top for 2 with a crossbody. Kairi hits the elbow to the back of Nikki to stop a cover. Asuka lock, but Bliss hits the twist dive onto Asuka to break that up before Kairi spears her down. Asuka codebreaker sets up the elbow, but Nikki gets up and fights with Kairi. Doomsday forearm gets 2 for the Warriors!  Twist and shout to Kairi and Twisted Bliss ends it. Kairi looked shaken up after the Twist and Shout. WE GET A CAMERA CUT RIGHT AS BLISS DOES HER BELT POSE. WHAT THE FUCK.

Mania CG time for Corbin with JBL calling Gronk "Gronky Kong". WHY IS HE CUTTING A PROMO TO ZERO PEOPLE AND WHY ARE WE GETTING ANOTHER REPLAY OF THIS ANGLE WE JUST SAW REPLAYED!? Elias comes down and breaks his guitar over him. I would much rather watch Jeff Jarrett face Corbin. At least we'd get THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN against King Corbin, and some great punches.

They have a long walk and brawl that Jeff Jarrett would say needs to move on and do something. Elias wins with a schoolboy holding the tights. Jesus Christ it's over! MORE ADS! Becky vs. Shayna is up and we get another long recap video for it. The main show is literally just the pre-show with some matches. Unreal. I do like them keeping in the "living shit" part of the video package without any censoring. Becky rolls her truck up, and it does look cooler at night. Somehow, they do all the little stuff - like her shutting the door, without any commentary.

They start off with a slapfight before brawling on the floor. Missile dropkick to Shayna almost hits. Weird camera cuts actually prevent you from seeing Shayna hit the double underhook Yokasuka cutter. Becky gets the disarmher on the ropes, but then gets locked in the clutch on the ropes. Clutch mid-ring leads to Becky doing the Bret-Piper finish and winning. MORE ADS HERE ON A SHOW THAT ISN'T RAW OR SMACKDOWN! Roman does some WWE-Hyundai plug. "Strive for better" as a tagline on WWE is hilarious.

Gronk, Mojo, and Drew do the YES bit for Bryan! Bryan vs. Sami is up and Sami's logo rips off the Raw logo from '98 - much like KO's logo a few years ago. Bryan plays a game of cat and mouse with Sami running and Drew taking out the goons while Bryan tackles Sami and throws him mid-ring. Bryan gets a great kneeling knee, but eats a few chops. I love Drew being higher on the pecking order in 2020 than Nakamura. Bryan dives off the top into a big boot and...that's it. Okay then. Best match on the show by far other than the finish. WWE PUTS SMILES ON FACES AND DON'T EVER DOUBT IT OR FORGET IT.

SD tag title triple threat is up. Shocked they didn't give Jimmy a CG cop car for his intro. Morrison's theme, intro, and whole presentation with the lava lamp are just insane to use now. Kofi needs to stop letting his kids dye his hair. It looks awful. 2 minutes in and we already have Kofi and Morrison fighting on ladders. They have five billion ladders all over and no one can do anything. Johnny struggles to just land a running knee. Rana off the ladder by Kofi. Jimmy runs on the barricade, but Kofi tosses a ladder at him. Cole, DESPITE ONLY HAVING ONE TO CALL, keeps just calling him "Uso!".Spanish fly off the top to Kofi mid-ring.

Kofi lands a mushroom stomp off the ladder to Morrison. USO is back in the match! Jimmy and Kofi double headbutt Morrison, but Morrison falls with the belts - so he wins. Okay, so the heel basically goes into a 2-on-1 ladder match because it's two faces and a heel and the heel wins after overcoming not only the odds of the match, but the finish of a double headbutt. MORE ADS alongside a network plug.

Byron shows off another Boyd Pierce-level suit. Seth vs. KO is up. Seth tries to start off with a stomp, but KO avoids it and lands forearms. KO sets up a piledriver on the apron, but eats an apron backdrop a few minutes in. FALCON ARROW ON THE APRON. Jesus. Dive to KO on the floor. Seth brings up KO's kids, so KO blocks the second dive. KO avoids the stomp twice, and gets 2 off a DDT. Cannonball and swanton get 2. Buckle bomb leads to 2 kneeling superkicks, but a stomp leads to a pop-up Batista bomb for 2.5. Seth uses the ring bell on KO for a DQ. REALLY!? A DQ AT MANIA!?

KO disowns that and wants a no DQ match, so Seth accepts and knees him in the head. "This is no disqualification - THAT MEANS THERE'S NO DISQUALIFICATION!" Thanks Tom. Seth beats him to a pulp with a chair before KO recovers and hits Seth with the ring bell. He climbs to the WM sign above the announce table and elbow drops onto him through it and wins after a stunner. WWEShop ad puts over how important titles are and they're on sale!

Truth does a skit with Gronk and Mojo. Gronk takes out Truth and wants the belt, but Mojo pulls him off to become 24/7 Champ again. Joy... Heyman scares Charly and says that in 20 years, he hasn't done enough to put Brock over because there is no hyperbole that can equal his greatness. "The greatest champion who has ever graced a WWE ring". Night 2 is hyped up. OTIS VS. DOLPH is somehow on the last night of WM.

Braun vs. Goldberg is up and Goldberg lands three big spears showing off Braun's bald spot for 2. THREE POWERSLAMS IN A ROW TO GOLDBERG! A fourth twisting version gets the win. So Braun just gets the shot for no reason and WINS THE TITLE. Wow. They pulled the trigger on Braun, but did so in the worst possible way. Even Hogan at WM IX was given more of a setup to win the title than this. WWE SNICKERS COMMERCIAL COMPILATION fills some time.

AJ enters the boneyard in a hearse to mock Taker's early days. And yeah, it's just a graveyard. AJ calls out Taker, who rolls down to the graveyard to a music video like it's Miami Vice to Metallica. AJ tells him he dug his grave before Taker says he dug his own grave. Taker in the deadman top with the American Badass black pants works great. AJ bumps for Taker's punches and gets tossed into the casket. Taker gets a a small piece of metal and smashes it through the hearse window  and gets sliced before slamming AJ on the hood.

Taker lands some mounted punches and tells him to not talk about his wife again. The OC AND DRUIDS surround Taker. Taker is beating up Dark Order goons. THE EXALTED ONE WILL NOT BE PLEASED! AJ beats him up but busts his finger up and lets out a "goddammit!" AJ spears Taker through a fence AJ calls him an old man before he gets flipped off. Taker is doing a great job of playing the gunslinger with one last fight in him. AJ shovel shots him on the back and knocks him into the plot. 

AJ goes to literally bury him. AJ hops up, but TAKER TELEPORTS! AJ climbs on the shack, but Taker uses fire to keep him there and then teleports up to battle the OC. TOMBSTONE TO KARL ANDERSON ON THE SHACK! Taker chokeslams AJ off the shack onto sheet metal before asking AJ what his wife's name is. He wants to know how old he is and if this will hurt his legacy. Taker hauls him around in a powerslam position and walks and talks shit. AJ says he's sorry and Taker asks what for. AJ asks to not be buried and Taker says he fought his ass off and hugs him before booting him in the plot, hops on the John Deere and buries him to win. AJ has a hand up from the dirt as Taker rides away while Metallica plays. If this was it for Taker in "matches", it was perfect.