WWE BackLash 2020 - THE GREATEST WRESTLING MATCH EVER!

Got home just in time for the opener - missed the pre-show. Edge vs. Orton is compared to HHH-Taker, Savage-Steamboat, Hogan-Andre. Oh boy. Triple threat women's tag is up. Sasha and Bayley are now the Golden Role Models. Just rolls off the tongue and Bayley is interviewed during Sasha's entrance. Lots of 2 count cradles. Bayley gets a victory roll for 2. Alexa runs wild with Thesz presses with some punches. Peyton just smashed her head into Bayley's knee off an inside-out crossbody on the pile. Yikes. Inveted Magic Killer by the IIconics leads to a "double dropkick" by Bliss Cross, with Lexi's dropkick missing. Twisted Bliss, but Sasha cradles her to win.

Braun is shown arriving in his Buick Grand National earlier. Jeff Hardy-Sheamus recap. YES! A long recap of this! And wow does this not work out well given that Jeff Hardy is a terrible actor and a bad promo. This isn't made any better by both Cole and Corey burying Jeff for being an addict, but saying he's working on it. Jeff with the greying beard really does look his age now. They brawl for a bit and Jeff dives off the steps onto Sheamus. Long, plodding chinlock. Running white noise gets 2. Twist and a swanton hit for 2.9 when Sheamus gets his foot on the rope. END! Brogue on the floor and mid-ring ends it. Evil reigns supreme - let that be a lesson to you, kids. Be an asshole and you'll be a winner!

Miz and Morrison do a promo and find out the rules of this match now. Who is Miz's agent!? An Asuka hype video airs showcasing Becky putting her over for beating her and being the best in the world for a long time. Most of WWE's women can get a match into positive stars. Nia's not like most girls. Asuka gets an Octopus, but Nia throws her off. Nia biels her into the corner and avoids a front choke with a suplex/jackhammer-ish thing. Liger bomb gets 2 for Nia. Flying armbar on the floor and they fight for a double countout. Riveting.

MVP wants the best champagne tonight - so Lashley isn't winning. Lana takes credit for Lashley getting the title shot. MVP tells Lana that Lashley told her to not be at ringside - not him, so she needs to face her fears and talk to her hubby. A GREEN DAY THEME FOR 2020!? Universal Title match is up and boy is this a terrible recap AND NOW IT'S MIZ AND MORRISON MUSIC VIDEO TIME. The Strowman Express gets A-Train's smoke effects. Well, if they could almost get Matt Bloom over - sure why not.

Strowman no-selling Miz's attempt at a Cro Cop high kick is peak WWE in 2020. Flying Chuck sends Braun off the apron to the floor. Miz gets an RNC but Braun escapes, so Morrison lands some mounted strikes. Miz eats a chokeslam and spinning powerslams Morrison. This was lacking things that were good. Styles vs. Bryan is recapped with AJ's title win and I think being a babyface again. AJ says that he's having a celebration and he makes his dreams happen - so maybe he's a heel still. AN HOUR AND A HALF IN AND WE'RE ON WORLD TITLE MATCH NUMBER 2. Maybe space this stuff out a bit. Damn.

I like that MVP fucking his knee up in TNA led to him not only not getting the TNA World Title (from EY doing a Daniel Bryan takeoff) - truly the best of days, but led to him being a manager for Lashley and now all of that is paying off on WWE TV and MVP's a bigger deal now than he was a decade ago when he was a Kool Aid Man-getup wearing jobber. Drew gets locked in the full nelson and gets in a bodyscissors on it - now that's a new way to do a full nelson!

FUCK that not-a-death valley driver on the floor could've ended badly for Drew there. Big crotch lift uranage by Lashley  hits and then he does...I think a lifting flatliner for 2. Countdown meets a spear by Lashley for 2. Lana comes down and causes a distraction leading to a headbutt and claymore to end it. Well this sure cooled Lashley off again. Time to resume the "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET A NEW WIFE!" angle and send Lashley back into the mid-card. Or he's turning face again. Drew says he'll be champion for a long time and kisses the camera and thanks the fans. What a pussy.

Raiders and the Profits brawl and destroy Braun's car - so of course they're all scared of him. Now see, normally, tag teams being afraid of a singles champion is really stupid - but doing it NOW, after Braun beat a tag team, it makes sense. I'm sure by accident, but still. Wacky cinematic brawl with all their skit props happens. Rowe hits the hiptoss>knee combo. Bowling ball to the balls spot and we get a comedy skit recap. Then a motorcycle ninja gang shows up let by Tozawa. They all team up to take out the ninjas but TOZAWA HAS A GIANT BLACK NINJA. They run atop the production trucks and Hanson gets tired and they brawl more. They fight off the truck and get wacky comedy crippling injuries. Jessica Car says Hanson is cute and then Jurassic Park sound effects care them. Montez is a good singer, and is Matanza coming to kill them all?

 

We're told that the Raw tag title match won't happen here and Joe says "ninjas can really ruin a night!" So WWE just admits before the match that it's all pre-taped and they're doing what they can to make it the best post-production experience in history. We get a goofy CG graphic for each guy and a Fink intro with the falling MSG mic drop using archival audio. Edge's black, red, and army green is an...interesting combo.

Long restholds and armlocks. Edge gets a sloppy crossface. Edge eats a back suplex into the announce table, which can barely be heard due to how overproduced this is. Back suplex onto the table should be a DQ in a STRAIGHT WRESTLING MATCH. AND barring that due to modern rules IT SHOULD MAKE A SOUND! Edge's right wrist was fused as well. Yikes. Orton goes for the three amigos, but Edge counters and gets his own three amigos.

Superplex to Edge before they bodyblock each other off crossbodies. Savage and Steamboat are brought up a lot. I don't recall Savage ever having a match this bad - including his TNA match, and Steamboat's final matches were worlds better than this with him not wrestling for 15 years. Impaler DDT hits for 2. It's the EST of MatchES. Edge hits Christian's fulcrum kick and flashpoint elbow/sliding D. Edge gets another Crossface and gets cradled for 2. Orton gets an Angle slam for 2.

Edge goes for an unprettier, but Orton counters it into an RKO, which Edge turns into an Edge-O-Matic for 2. Edge needs to get lessons from Candice Michelle on how to do the Unprettier. Or maybe Christian. Orton gets a sloppy pedigree for 2. Edge gets 2 off a backslide - I'm sure an homage to the GREATEST KERRY VON ERICH MATCH EVER! Sliding sunset flip from Edge gets 2, and he's got great up and down speed still. RKOOUTTANOWHERE FOR 2 and fans "mark out". Remember when Angelico did a crazy dive off the top of Dario's office and Vamp just took his headset off and marked out by running around ringside for a bit? Yeah, that was awesome - this is WWE's fake attempt at making the same kind of reaction.

Punt is teased, but EDGE SPEARS HIM! A SECOND SPEAR GETS 2! Another homage to Christian-Orton with Edge doing the same dive into an RKO THAT ALWAYS BEAT CHRISTIAN! Edge gets the head and arm choke and Orton ballshots him and punts him to win. Randy crawls on Edge's broken body, with a newly-torn triceps and tells him to go home and tell Beth and the kids that Uncle Randy says high. The medical team goes to put Edge on the gurney and we get a legit great closing shot of Orton.