A nice Sasha-Bayley video package runs through their modern-day feud. Heyman cuts a fantastic promo about Roman COMMANDING Jey to say I Quit tonight. Long, boring Orton promo to hype up the main event. Sam and King chat inside the cell. Truth beats Gulak after Gulak does some invisible man spots with Little Jimmy, but falls to a Lie Detector. Drew comes to the panel and says Cena sucks. Booker T rambles on for a bit and now the show itself is on.
I like the old TV and behind the TV video wall stuff here. We get 800 recaps of the Roman-Jey deal to set up their match opening the show. 15 MINUTES INTO THE SHOW, the opener starts. Jey hits a pair of suicide dives. Roman lands two spears, but Jey won't quit even after a shot with the wrist gauntlet. Uso splash, but Roman won't quit. God, WWE's formula just makes it impossible to enjoy a show. So far, they've each used up several of their MAX FINISHERS. WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO!? Jey gets a strap and says HE'S GONNA WHOOP THE DOG SHIT! And does! Desperation spear! WWE needs to never use "I can't breathe!" in a match's story.
Roman straps him and ties Jey's wrist to it - leading to Jey using it against Roman. Jey chokes him out with a strap and then a straightjacket variant on it. Jey ASKS IF HE QUIT instead of continuing. Roman locks on the front choke and Jey goes out. Ref TELLS HIM TO QUIT and Roman drive-bys him into the post. Then, ALMOST 40 MINUTES INTO THE PPV, we get a drive-by of the steps into his head into the post. Jey's out and the ref tells Roman he has to call it before beating him up and officials run down. Roman threatens the steps. NO. NOT THE DREADED TRIANGULAR PART OF THE STEPS THAT A HEAD CAN FIT IN! Jimmy runs in to make a save and plea to help Roman.
Roman says he's sorry and cries. We get shoot namez from Jimmy and then they shake and Roman front chokes him and Roman uses that move to get Jey to quit. Okay. That's cute, but this took WAY TOO LONG. Afa and Sika are on the ramp and they show that he's their chief. AFTER 45 MINUTES, they have the gall to run an ad AND THEN A REPLAY. And now it's Elias vs. Jeff Hardy. An Elias match is a...bold choice to follow that up with. OH HEY A CHINLOCK! Jeff twisto, but Elias rolls out to avoid a swanton and guitar shots him for a DQ. LAW AND OTIS RECAP. Miz vs. Otis. Nothing much here. Corner lariat by Miz and a sleeper. Tucker KOs Otis with the case and Miz wins the case. Miz calls out both top champs. LOL @ Serous Miz in 2020.
Bayley vs. Sasha. We get canes, tables, chairs...Sunset flip into a corner chair gets 2 for Bayley. Bayley gets some tape and sticks. ULTRAMEGAKENDOSTICK forthcoming! Shotgun knees into the cell from Sasha. Frog splash, but Bayley gets the chair up. WHY GET A CAN OF SPRAYPAINT WHEN YOU CAN JUST FLYING ELBOW DROP HER THROUGH YOUR GOOFY CONTRAPTION!? SHOCKINGLY, her plan fails and she then eats SHOTGUN KNEES IN THE CORNER. At least she painted NWO on her for some reason. Belly to Bayley gets 2! Chair-trap crossface gets the tap and the title.
MVP says that Lashley will put the US Title on the line tonight and he'll take on anyone. Lashley vs. SLAPJACK! My head canon for the stupid names and outfits is that either Ali saw The Secrets of Pro Wrestling Revealed and thought "man, THAT'S GOOD SHIT, PAL!" or in keeping with the anti-WWE nature of the group, gave a group of talented people gimmicks so bad that it couldn't help but help them outside of WWE since you would never want to book any of these acts in their Retribution gimmick ever. Hurt Lock and Slapjack's out. Remember when the NWO lost all their title matches? Even secondary titles? They send Ali packing and NOW Lashley wears the US Title.
Drew comes out and gets his huge intro while Orton tries to jump him in street clothes - but no night vision goggles, so he fails. Drew kicks his ass some more and closes the cell door. They brawl and brawl. Drew gets tossed into the steps. Gets a flying neckbreaker. Draping DDT hits and HURTS THE BROKEN JAW. A month later. Orton escapes the cell and Joe says he's just a great general and he's changing the battlefield. Orton goes up top and the ref tells Drew to not follow him up. All this mid-match yammering is bizarre. Randy has a big red pipe up there and then gets tackled and punched. They fight down the cell when Orton...just gets bored and leaves and Drew gets sent off the side of the cell through an announce table. Drew comes up with a bloody mouth. If only they hadn't spent eons killing the importance of announce table spots - then this MIGHT have meant something. Drew gets up and a backslide gets 2, but a claymore leads to Orton rolling out. Claymore misses and the RKO ends it. Orton is now a 14-time World Champion.
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