WWE Royal Rumble 2023

 

It's time for the Rumble and this should be the biggest Rumble in history money-wise, and thanks to the Sami angle, it's a compelling one from a storytelling standpoint as well. We get some original Bloodline content on the pre-show with Roman telling Sami that he will be on Roman's hip all night - and it's Sami's night. Pitch Black hype - MTN Dew is paying big bucks for the Street Fight/Falls Count Anywhere/Extreme Rules Cyber Sunday stip choice.

JBL chats with Greg Miller and asks if they're on Myspace. Seth hype video showcases his NXT run, VHS stuff as a kid and the Shield. Charlotte video comes off as heelish, as per usual. KO vs. Reigns video showcases so much of the Bloodline tale. It's the best story they've told in many years.

Hardy opens the show with a video talking about hustling for success.  Pat McAfee returns and pisses Corey off. They setting up a Mania match or something there? GUNTHER is out as number one and Sheamus is 2 - bringing us a bit of a rematch to start. Stiff shots to start before Miz is in and eats a few blows. Kofi's out early and DARTS DOWN THE GIANT WALKWAY!  A few shots and Gargano is out and I'd forgotten how terrible this theme is. 

Woods is out and hits a flying elbow to Miz before they smack each others' asses in a wheelbarrow. Kross is out and tosses dudes around. Pat asks what Drew and Sheamus' name is and Corey says due to trademarks, they can't say it - but Cole says they're bros and have banger after banger. Drew sends out Kross. Santos Escobar's theme would be right at home in a Streets of Rage boss battle. Cole says he hope he didn't study Mil Mascaras in '97.

Dawkins is out with Spurs gear. Kofi is tossed out and lands with a foot on the chair. Brock is out to toss dudes around. He tosses Escobar out carelessly. JESUS. A near-miss on that belly to belly for Sheamus - who has a bad neck. Lashley spears Brock! Lariat over the top sends Brock out! Corbin comes out and gets F5ed! 

Seth's out and nothing happens. Otis is out and tosses guys around for a minute. Rey is supposed to be 17 but isn't out. Lashley goes for a powerslam and Seth tosses him out. Dom is 18 and he tears up Rey's mask. "He knows all about the waiting game!" - Cole adds edging to the Dom/Mami storyline. Elias is out to no pop. Banger Bros double-team Elias and send him out. BOOKER IS OUT and does a few things before getting tossed. Internet goes all wonky before Priest and Ford are out and Ford gets chokeslammed over the top by him.

Edge is out in new black and yellow after being taken out by TJD in October. SPEARS FOR EVERYONE IN TJD! He tosses Damian and Balor before staring down with Seth. He goes to take out Dom, but they all toss Edge out. Theory and Omos are out and Omos tosses guys around. GUNTHER AND OMOS GO AT IT and GUNTHER TAKES OUT THE BROS! Logan Paul is out at 29 before Cody returns at 30.

Cody gets booed because he isn't Sami... Logan Paul and Ricochet dive into each other on opposite sides of the ring. Braun's taken out  A curb stomp sends Theory UP ONTO HIS FEET AND ONTO THE ROPES as ya do. Seth and Cody hit pedigrees on GUNTHER! I CAN PAY TRIBUTE TO HHH! NO I CAN DO IT BETTER! Everyone has to fight over how great HHH is even in retirement. Logan Paul takes out Seth! COME ON GUNTHER, CHOP LOGAN PAUL ONCE! No - Cody takes out Logan!

It's 1 vs. 30! For a match that SHOULD be making GUNTHER shine, this really hasn't done much for him beyond the numbers video. MASSIVE chop to Cody! Cody wants an apron disaster kick but GUNTHER LARIATS HIM! Big overhand Wahoo chops by Cody! SUPERPLEX BY GUNTHER! This is basically Cody vs. Gunther and THIS is helping GUNTHER shine. Cody Cutter but he can't toss him out! Apron dragon screw by Cody! 

Corner blows by Cody! SHATTERED DREAMS TO GUNTHER! RNC on the apron to Cody! If only Darby was in Cody's spot here - Gunther would win it! Cody goes to pull him over and Gunther stops short. Gunther goes for a Davey powerslam and eats a Cross Rhodes and is sent out! "THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE IS CLOSER TO THE AMERICAN DREAM!"

LA Knight's GTA San Andreas theme song is fantastic. Bray vs. Knight gets a billion-year setup between Knight's intro, the video and then Bray's entrance. The match itself is a WWE hardcore rules match with black lighting and everyone in gear that is glow in the dark alongside the ropes. Walk and brawl until LA KNIGHT DIVES OFF THE BARRICADE WITH A STANDING ELBOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Sister Abigail and Bray wins it. They brawl around and Bray sends Knight down and Uncle Howdy elbow drops Knight through a platform and pyro goes off. This was all both horrible and yet perfectly fine spooky stupid bullshit. 

 

Gargano and Bliss have gotten massive downgrades in themes. Alexa's theme has nothing going for it.  Bliss eats some shoulder blocks in the corner. CHINLOCK OF EVIL from the face of evil. Lots of plodding nothing. Surfboard curb stomp-ish thing from Bianca. Bianca goes for a powerbomb and Alexa avoids it and hits the snap DDT for 2. Sister Abigail is countered into the KOD for the win. This was dreadful. The pre-show FIEND LORE video airs for her again. 

Women's rumble is up with Rhea and Liv starting out. Liv and Rhea slug it out and then Liv hits a corner knee and lariat. Dana is out to a theme that sounds way too close to Charlotte's. She's in Barbie pink and nearly gets tossed out by Rhea. Emma's out and neckbreakers Rhea on the apron. Oblivion to Bayley! B-Fab is out and she gets lower than Booker T on the wrist-grab superkick. She gets busted up on a headbutt and they bury Top Dolla TWICE in this 38 second appearance. 

Roxanne Perez is here and they put over Booker's influence for her. Deja vu headscissor to Rhea! Iyo's out and takes out Dana and Liv with a dropkick. CTRL takes out Dana and Emma and then Roxanne. Nattie returns in goofy silver gear and looks ridiculous. Nattie Germans Shayna! Zoey Stark is making sure every SECOND of her time out there lets her shine. Big half and half! Xia Li's out. Second "bitter for being overlooked" gimmick IN THIS RUMBLE behind Nattie.

Iyo takes out Candace. Becky storms out and takes out the tag champs, but falls to a 3 on 1 beating on the floor. Tegan Nox is out and they explain the shiniest wizard bit before Corey hypes up Muto. Asuka has an all-timer theme, so of course they change it. At least it's for an EVIL ASUKA GIMMICK! Asuka high kicks Tegan out! 

PIPER NIVEN is here, thankfully ending the Doudrop deal. THANK GOD THE DOUDROP NAME IS DEAD. Well, not before they work in "do you think people will get DROPPED!?" They need to stop doing these long shots for intros - the trons are the only way to tell who's who due to the shitty themes. Chelsea Green is out to an okay theme and is then just tossed out. 

Becky is taken out by Bayley and then vice versa. Zelina comes out as Juri for Capcom co-promotion. Lacey's out. "She doesn't like anyone!" GOOFY POSES WITH XIA! It's gonna be awkward when they turn her face on SD. Michelle is in the crowd and comes into the rumble from there in Ugs and gives her kid the hoodie.

Uppercuts and the faith breaker hit. Indi is out and runs wild with lariats in the middle of the ring. Sonya is back and they ask how she keeps getting all these shots. Corner cobra clutch gets an elimiation for Lacey. Shotzi and the TCB tank are back. Indi goes for a springboard and Sonya just chucks her down before it can go badly. Nikki Cross RUNS DOWN THE GIANT ENTRANCEWAY! Nia returns via botched time call showing a 10 second wait and her tron and music play. She appears to have put all of Alexa's 68 pounds of makeup into her waistline.

Everyone gangs up on Nia, who doesn't go up for the Riptide and gets tossed out. Racquel takes out Lacey. Mia Yim gets tossed out hard. Yikes! Racquel takes out Piper! Rhea takes out Racquel! Liv eliminates Nikki! Asuka mists Morgan and Rhea wins it! Hardy performs terribly. Wow was that an all-time terrible performance for a wrestling show. 

At 11:42, the main event of the show FINALLY BEGINS with a lockup! KO destroys him on the floor Roman recovers and hits the Taz/Hook crossfaces, but safer and then a long chinlock. Corner spear misses for Roman, but a superkick doesn't for KO and the swanton gets 2! Spear hits, but only gets 2! Stunner, but KO gets tossed into the ref. POP-UP POWERBOMB BUT THERE'S NO REF!

Roman tells Sami to get a chair and Sami says he told him to do nothing. Sami being such a naive babyface is tremendous - it's like Colt Cabana with Brodie Lee and Colt being SO TRUSTING that Brodie would just tell him to go somewhere and he would. Barricade spear by Roman! Roman tosses KO's head into the steps ACTUAL STEPS-SIDE FIRST! DAMN! They slap-fight mid-ring nad it ends with a Roman spear. 

They go to give Sami a lei - but first, have to beat up KO. This gives them a perfect chance to beat up Sami. 1D to KO! CORNER AVALANCHE WITH THE CHAIR! They handcuff KO to the ropes and beat him up more! Roman goes to beam him with a chair and Sami tells him to stop - it's beneath him! He is THE Universal champion! Roman gives him the chair and tells him he should do it.

Roman tells him YOU'RE OURS! SAMI HITS ROMAN WITH THE CHAIR! They beat the shit out of him and he sells the hell out of the Samoan spike! They tell Jey to beat him up and MAIN EVENT JEY STEPS UP and leaves before they leave both guys laying. This was a great setup either to a title win at Chamber or better yet night 1 Sami title win and then a night 2 win for Cody.

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 17 - Omega vs. Ospreay/Switchblade vs. Okada

 New Japan is celebrating its 50th anniversary with its biggest show of the year devoted to the legacy and memory of the company's founder, Atonio Inoki. O-Khan wins the Ranbo and gets into the KOPW 4-way for NY Dash. Inoki Trios tag is up and Suzuki and Makabe get into a nice headbutt series up top. Makabe pins Tiger Mask with a victory roll drop-down. Stream has been pretty in and out - but it's nice and clear. Fujinami bows to all four corners and wishes everyone a happy new year. He chants for Inoki and leaves with an Inoki towel to his theme - this was about perfect.

Wrestle Kingdom 17 starts off with a video of Inoki angry before a card rundown. Jr tag title is up and we've got GINO AND CHRIS CHARLTON alongside Kevin Kelly. Lio Rush is unreal and hits an insane dive right away. Crazy dive from Akira off the shoulders of TJP to YOH. Lio blades after a big fall on the LED ramp and he's cut up on the apron. TJP and Lio Rush - 205 Live at 3:14AM. Low-pe to TJP by Rush! Final Hour frog splash hits for 2.9 when TJP saves! 3K HITS but TJP runs wild!

Detonation Kick hits for 2.9! Lio hits a spanish fly and a 3K GETS 2.9! Rush Hour after a forearm slap combo! TJP gets a small package on YOH TO WIN IT! TJP ACTUALLY HAS A GOOFY EMOCORE THEME. Incredible! The first women's match in Wrestle Kingdom history is up with Tam Nakano vs. KAIRI for the IWGP Women's Title! 

Chris Charlton just places this into its perfect place in history as he always does - setting this up as the heart of STARDOM now against a part-timer who went to WWE and it was like two ships crossing in the breeze now. MASSIVE big match intro here with KAIRI getting the grim reaper and some incredible cinematography.

Headlocks and basic matwork to start with Chris hyping up the cutlass of KAIRI. What a start as they lie in front of each other and gaze before KAIRI has ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT and just picks her up and hits a big spear and the marching corner forearm. Tam dives to the floor and Chris just outright says they're here to catch people and HOLY SHIT THEY FAILED as Nakano just thuds with KAIRI on a dive off the top to the floor. 

Nakano BLOCKS THE CUTLASS and hits the Violent Screwdriver for 2.9999! KAIRI hits the cutlass and gets 2.9 and IS PISSED! Another hits to set up the insane elbow and this was the best five minute match you'll ever see. 

MERCEDES MONE' IS HERE! Sasha and KAIRI stares her down and MONE' LAYS HER OUT! She's here in NJPW and STARDOM to make more history - she's the standard, the conversation and the CEO of NJPW's women's division! Her new finish sucks but THAT RULED. IWGP Tag Titles are up with Goto and YOSHI-HASHI facing FTR.

Good matwork with Dash before Dax and Goto forearm the daylights out of each other. FTR POWERPLEX GETS 2.9! Goto gets busted up on the splash before TONS OF FOREARMS! Shoto avoided and the Big Rig hits for 2.9! YOSHI and Dash hit a crazy over the top rope suplex! Suplex to Dax from Goto! Dax piledriver gets 2.9 on YOSHI! SPIKE PILEDRIVER HITS FOR THE 2.99999! FTR EATS THE assisted GTR/Powerbomb and it's over - FTR loses their last title!

Kevin Kelly rants about PWI leaving HASHI and GOTO out and it really feels like Yamcha winning big. Then they have some fun with getting into the WON awards and some goofy "kiss the ring" comedy. Ren Narita vs. ZSJ is up - one year since Narita faced Shibata, he now faces ZSJ to crown the first TV Champ! ZSJ is out all-blonde and rants about nurses being paid a living wage - well he's not wrong. 

The match has a 15 minute time limit since it's the finals of the tourney and ZSJ takes him down quickly with a flying bodylock. Armwork by ZSJ leads to him eating a few Shibata-level elbows to the jaw! We get a back and forth abdominal stretch exchange - which is perfect on the Inoki tribute show before NASTY chest kicks by ZSJ!

NASTY elbow by Shibata! European clutch gets 2.9! ANOTHER COBRA TWIST EXCHAGE ATTEMPT! Grounded octopus hold GETS THE WIN FOR ZSJ! TMDK comes out and offers him a shirt and ZSJ joins TMDK to give them a MASSIVE boost. And Jesus this belt looks dreadful. Tonga vs. Anderson is up and WWE having Anderson wear the OC shirt with the BC tron just makes them look worse. 

Karl Anderson is t-shirting it up here in the Tokyo Dome at Wrestle Kingdom. Belt shot to start and he wants a countout. Bernard Driver on the LED RAMP - and the Rush bloodshed earlier helps get this over. RKO SLAPS ON THE RAMP and the Gun Stun is pushed off on the ramp! ROCKET KICK ON THE APRON after Karl avoids the Gun Stun on the apron! TKO hits for 2 for KA. "2012 G1 Finalist" feels like "scored four touchdowns at Polk High" Al Bundy in 2023. Anderson calls for a brainbuster off the top and it's avoided. Big Crossbody and the Supreme Flow hit for 2.9! 

Back and forth Gunstun exchanges are blocked before A GUNSTUN TO KARL! 10 PACK IS REVEALED and the GunStun...is botched thanks to Karl fucking up the bump. He really has been studying Hogan! Well that got Tama Tonga under. Muto Tanahashi, and Umino face Naito, BUSHI, and Sanada in Muto's final NJPW match.

BUSHI wears a Muta over mask and Charlton talks about Bushi being in Muto's AJPW and Sanada got his start in All Japan it was due to Muto and Sanada returned from excursion and got his ear talked off by Muto. God. I remember the joy of getting VHS tapes months later to see Muta matches and now I can watch Muto's final NJPW match live.

Sanada works the knee and hits a missile dropkick and a shining wizard by Muto. Muto HITS THE BACKBREAKER and wants the moonsault before Tanahashi talks sense into him. Tana and Naito middle-age it up a bit. Sanada, Tana, Muto, and Naito may have one good knee between them. Umino runs wild and Charlton talks about Naito's dad buying a ticket to see Muto and Umino being inspired by Naito as the Stardust Genius to wrestle! TRIPLE SUBMISSIONS BY THE FACES! UMINO DEATH RIDER ENDS IT AND HE WINS MUTO'S FINAL NJPW MATCH!

Ishimori vs. Despie vs. Wato vs. Hiromu is up for the junior title. Stream goes to hell a bit but luckily it's just during the intros. Charlton talks about a brawl backstage. NJPW Brawl Out angle between Umino and Naito, it would seem. "WHAT HAS KENNY DONE NOW!?" from Gino! Pop-up Ligerbomb by Hiromu to Wato! Pinche Loco is avoided with a superkick and Wato eats a forearm and falls like a tree. Chris updates everyone to the brawl between between LIJ and Kongo of NOAH.

This match is getting treated like a vintage "THERE'S AN NWO BRAWL IN THE BACK" cruiserweight match on Nitro. Pinche Loco and then a TIME BOMB GETS 2.9! Wato almost wins but Ishimori blocks the ref and chairshots Wato! EVEREST GERMAN GETS 2.9 ON HIROMU! Time Bomb 2 hits and Hiromu wins it! 

DOUBLE MAIN EVENT TIME with Omega having Sephiroth's theme.  "Four years ago, It was Kenny Omega's final fantasy - and now Kenny Omega rides again." Ospreay gets an instrumental of "Zenith God" before ELEVATED BLARES THROUGH THE TOKYO DOME! DON CALLIS JOINS THE CALL! 

Nice brawl to start after some tackles and a nip up from Ospreay. I love Don putting Kenny over as the greatest in EVERYTHING...except Ospreay may be a bit more athletic to put him over big. Kenny kicks the back a bit before just stomping the shit out of him. DOUBLE ROTATION Stormbreaker-style BACKBREAKER on Ospreay gets 2. This feels like a more modern version of Omega vs. Jericho - like if we'd gotten that match with the 2017 Omega against the 2008 Jericho.

MONSTER chop by Omega! It's amazing how Ospreay has taken the US Title from a prop for Juice Robinson to something on-par with the IC Title at its peak in mere months. Oscutter attempt on the apron, but Omega grabs the rope and Ospreay hits hard. Kenny pulls out a table. "Those tables are there in case ours gets damaged!" - I love the detail work, it reminds me of Mid-South trying to apply regular logic to everything. Kenny dives through it and he's lucky he didn't just mess his ankles up on that one. SKYTWISTER PRESS ON OMEGA! 

 Modified hidden blade off the top gets 2! DEATH VALLEY BOMB ON THE KNEE FROM OMEGA GETS 2! Kenny slaps the bad kidney and Omega sets him up for the super snapdragon ala Okada! OSPREAY FLIPS OUT AND HITS THE TORNADO KICK AND THE OSCUTTER FOR 2.9! Corner yakuza kick by Ospreay and a head-trap superkick!

Omega teeters on the rope! MONSTROUS CHOP FROM OSPREAY! Spanish fly attempt and Omega hits a massive kidney punch before a BIG DDT TO OSPREAY on the top buckle and the Empire helps him out. Don leaves to go to the ring and yells at them. Ospreay is split open! MASSIVE pool of blood on the floor. RISE OF THE TERMINATOR hits and Omega hits it perfectly and is covered in Ospreay's blood.

Omega slaps him and then insulting kicks the head. Ospreay shoves Red Shoes and eats a snapdragon and sells it wonderfully. They're telling a tale for Ospreay akin to Austin at WM 13 and it's incredible to see this unfold live in 2023. V TRIGGER AGAINST THE ROPE SENDS OSPREAY'S LIMP BODY ONTO THE DOCTOR! 

Omega goes up top and Ospreay stumbles into the rope to crotch him and give himself some hope. ANOTHER TOP ROPE ATTACK, but Omega now snaps the jaw against the buckle! V TRIGGER INTO THE BOLT! CROYT'S WRATH OFF THE TOP GETS 1 AND A V-TRIGGER GETS 2.9! They're going for an Austin-Hart at Mania story here and it's amazing. 

Ospreay survives amid V-Triggers and avoids an OWA. OSCUTTER HITS! Kenny runs wild with chops and knees, but the hidden blade hits for 2! A STYLES CLASH HITS FOR OSPREAY! Ospreay spits in his face and hits the kamigoye and the ONE WINGED ANGEL ENDS IT! KENNY OMEGA WINS THE US TITLE! This was a masterful match and it only gets better with Chris Charlton saying "I can't find the words" right as Don's insane suit enters the frame. WHAT A MATCH AND WHAT A CARD. 

I was going to watch the main event later, but World is back working on the Xbox. Jay White says he's the true leader because he works hard while Okada is now coasting. Okada's all-black gear pays tribute to Inoki and he gets a big epic intro while Jay White comes out all cocky and TURNS THE FANS INTO A CLAPPING CROWD AGAIN. Amazing.

Snap Saito suplex by Jay White hits hard. Uranage shove into the barricades by White hit hard on Okada. Okada goes crazy and hits a flipping senton off the top onto White and Gedo and THAT gets the crowd alive. German by Okada and he wants a rainmaker, but gets a backslide and a shortarm lariat! SECOND ONE!  GODDAMN DROPKICK into the rainmaker NO BLADERUNNER NO LANDSLIDE! BLADERUNNER HITS FOR 2.9! 

Grounded bladerunner attempt, but Okada fights with forearms and eats TWO JAYMAKERS! RAINMAKER POSE BY JAY! FULL ON RAINMAKER GETS 2.9 FOR OKADA! They bring each other up by the head and FOREARM THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF EACH OTHER! White now adds chops to the mix, so Okada fights back in kind! 

Okada hits a cobra flowsion! A MONSTROUS RAINMAKER HITS and Okada wins it and celebrates! Shingo wants an IWGP World Title match on Feb. 1 or January 20. What a remarkable show - it's insane to me that we've got the ability to see these shows live and in good overall quality right away.