It's time for the Rumble and this should be the biggest Rumble in history money-wise, and thanks to the Sami angle, it's a compelling one from a storytelling standpoint as well. We get some original Bloodline content on the pre-show with Roman telling Sami that he will be on Roman's hip all night - and it's Sami's night. Pitch Black hype - MTN Dew is paying big bucks for the Street Fight/Falls Count Anywhere/Extreme Rules Cyber Sunday stip choice.
JBL chats with Greg Miller and asks if they're on Myspace. Seth hype video showcases his NXT run, VHS stuff as a kid and the Shield. Charlotte video comes off as heelish, as per usual. KO vs. Reigns video showcases so much of the Bloodline tale. It's the best story they've told in many years.
Hardy opens the show with a video talking about hustling for success. Pat McAfee returns and pisses Corey off. They setting up a Mania match or something there? GUNTHER is out as number one and Sheamus is 2 - bringing us a bit of a rematch to start. Stiff shots to start before Miz is in and eats a few blows. Kofi's out early and DARTS DOWN THE GIANT WALKWAY! A few shots and Gargano is out and I'd forgotten how terrible this theme is.
Woods is out and hits a flying elbow to Miz before they smack each others' asses in a wheelbarrow. Kross is out and tosses dudes around. Pat asks what Drew and Sheamus' name is and Corey says due to trademarks, they can't say it - but Cole says they're bros and have banger after banger. Drew sends out Kross. Santos Escobar's theme would be right at home in a Streets of Rage boss battle. Cole says he hope he didn't study Mil Mascaras in '97.
Dawkins is out with Spurs gear. Kofi is tossed out and lands with a foot on the chair. Brock is out to toss dudes around. He tosses Escobar out carelessly. JESUS. A near-miss on that belly to belly for Sheamus - who has a bad neck. Lashley spears Brock! Lariat over the top sends Brock out! Corbin comes out and gets F5ed!
Seth's out and nothing happens. Otis is out and tosses guys around for a minute. Rey is supposed to be 17 but isn't out. Lashley goes for a powerslam and Seth tosses him out. Dom is 18 and he tears up Rey's mask. "He knows all about the waiting game!" - Cole adds edging to the Dom/Mami storyline. Elias is out to no pop. Banger Bros double-team Elias and send him out. BOOKER IS OUT and does a few things before getting tossed. Internet goes all wonky before Priest and Ford are out and Ford gets chokeslammed over the top by him.
Edge is out in new black and yellow after being taken out by TJD in October. SPEARS FOR EVERYONE IN TJD! He tosses Damian and Balor before staring down with Seth. He goes to take out Dom, but they all toss Edge out. Theory and Omos are out and Omos tosses guys around. GUNTHER AND OMOS GO AT IT and GUNTHER TAKES OUT THE BROS! Logan Paul is out at 29 before Cody returns at 30.
Cody gets booed because he isn't Sami... Logan Paul and Ricochet dive into each other on opposite sides of the ring. Braun's taken out A curb stomp sends Theory UP ONTO HIS FEET AND ONTO THE ROPES as ya do. Seth and Cody hit pedigrees on GUNTHER! I CAN PAY TRIBUTE TO HHH! NO I CAN DO IT BETTER! Everyone has to fight over how great HHH is even in retirement. Logan Paul takes out Seth! COME ON GUNTHER, CHOP LOGAN PAUL ONCE! No - Cody takes out Logan!
It's 1 vs. 30! For a match that SHOULD be making GUNTHER shine, this really hasn't done much for him beyond the numbers video. MASSIVE chop to Cody! Cody wants an apron disaster kick but GUNTHER LARIATS HIM! Big overhand Wahoo chops by Cody! SUPERPLEX BY GUNTHER! This is basically Cody vs. Gunther and THIS is helping GUNTHER shine. Cody Cutter but he can't toss him out! Apron dragon screw by Cody!
Corner blows by Cody! SHATTERED DREAMS TO GUNTHER! RNC on the apron to Cody! If only Darby was in Cody's spot here - Gunther would win it! Cody goes to pull him over and Gunther stops short. Gunther goes for a Davey powerslam and eats a Cross Rhodes and is sent out! "THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE IS CLOSER TO THE AMERICAN DREAM!"
LA Knight's GTA San Andreas theme song is fantastic. Bray vs. Knight gets a billion-year setup between Knight's intro, the video and then Bray's entrance. The match itself is a WWE hardcore rules match with black lighting and everyone in gear that is glow in the dark alongside the ropes. Walk and brawl until LA KNIGHT DIVES OFF THE BARRICADE WITH A STANDING ELBOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Sister Abigail and Bray wins it. They brawl around and Bray sends Knight down and Uncle Howdy elbow drops Knight through a platform and pyro goes off. This was all both horrible and yet perfectly fine spooky stupid bullshit.
Gargano and Bliss have gotten massive downgrades in themes. Alexa's theme has nothing going for it. Bliss eats some shoulder blocks in the corner. CHINLOCK OF EVIL from the face of evil. Lots of plodding nothing. Surfboard curb stomp-ish thing from Bianca. Bianca goes for a powerbomb and Alexa avoids it and hits the snap DDT for 2. Sister Abigail is countered into the KOD for the win. This was dreadful. The pre-show FIEND LORE video airs for her again.
Women's rumble is up with Rhea and Liv starting out. Liv and Rhea slug it out and then Liv hits a corner knee and lariat. Dana is out to a theme that sounds way too close to Charlotte's. She's in Barbie pink and nearly gets tossed out by Rhea. Emma's out and neckbreakers Rhea on the apron. Oblivion to Bayley! B-Fab is out and she gets lower than Booker T on the wrist-grab superkick. She gets busted up on a headbutt and they bury Top Dolla TWICE in this 38 second appearance.
Roxanne Perez is here and they put over Booker's influence for her. Deja vu headscissor to Rhea! Iyo's out and takes out Dana and Liv with a dropkick. CTRL takes out Dana and Emma and then Roxanne. Nattie returns in goofy silver gear and looks ridiculous. Nattie Germans Shayna! Zoey Stark is making sure every SECOND of her time out there lets her shine. Big half and half! Xia Li's out. Second "bitter for being overlooked" gimmick IN THIS RUMBLE behind Nattie.
Iyo takes out Candace. Becky storms out and takes out the tag champs, but falls to a 3 on 1 beating on the floor. Tegan Nox is out and they explain the shiniest wizard bit before Corey hypes up Muto. Asuka has an all-timer theme, so of course they change it. At least it's for an EVIL ASUKA GIMMICK! Asuka high kicks Tegan out!
PIPER NIVEN is here, thankfully ending the Doudrop deal. THANK GOD THE DOUDROP NAME IS DEAD. Well, not before they work in "do you think people will get DROPPED!?" They need to stop doing these long shots for intros - the trons are the only way to tell who's who due to the shitty themes. Chelsea Green is out to an okay theme and is then just tossed out.
Becky is taken out by Bayley and then vice versa. Zelina comes out as Juri for Capcom co-promotion. Lacey's out. "She doesn't like anyone!" GOOFY POSES WITH XIA! It's gonna be awkward when they turn her face on SD. Michelle is in the crowd and comes into the rumble from there in Ugs and gives her kid the hoodie.
Uppercuts and the faith breaker hit. Indi is out and runs wild with lariats in the middle of the ring. Sonya is back and they ask how she keeps getting all these shots. Corner cobra clutch gets an elimiation for Lacey. Shotzi and the TCB tank are back. Indi goes for a springboard and Sonya just chucks her down before it can go badly. Nikki Cross RUNS DOWN THE GIANT ENTRANCEWAY! Nia returns via botched time call showing a 10 second wait and her tron and music play. She appears to have put all of Alexa's 68 pounds of makeup into her waistline.
Everyone gangs up on Nia, who doesn't go up for the Riptide and gets tossed out. Racquel takes out Lacey. Mia Yim gets tossed out hard. Yikes! Racquel takes out Piper! Rhea takes out Racquel! Liv eliminates Nikki! Asuka mists Morgan and Rhea wins it! Hardy performs terribly. Wow was that an all-time terrible performance for a wrestling show.
At 11:42, the main event of the show FINALLY BEGINS with a lockup! KO destroys him on the floor Roman recovers and hits the Taz/Hook crossfaces, but safer and then a long chinlock. Corner spear misses for Roman, but a superkick doesn't for KO and the swanton gets 2! Spear hits, but only gets 2! Stunner, but KO gets tossed into the ref. POP-UP POWERBOMB BUT THERE'S NO REF!
Roman tells Sami to get a chair and Sami says he told him to do nothing. Sami being such a naive babyface is tremendous - it's like Colt Cabana with Brodie Lee and Colt being SO TRUSTING that Brodie would just tell him to go somewhere and he would. Barricade spear by Roman! Roman tosses KO's head into the steps ACTUAL STEPS-SIDE FIRST! DAMN! They slap-fight mid-ring nad it ends with a Roman spear.
They go to give Sami a lei - but first, have to beat up KO. This gives them a perfect chance to beat up Sami. 1D to KO! CORNER AVALANCHE WITH THE CHAIR! They handcuff KO to the ropes and beat him up more! Roman goes to beam him with a chair and Sami tells him to stop - it's beneath him! He is THE Universal champion! Roman gives him the chair and tells him he should do it.
Roman tells him YOU'RE OURS! SAMI HITS ROMAN WITH THE CHAIR! They beat the shit out of him and he sells the hell out of the Samoan spike! They tell Jey to beat him up and MAIN EVENT JEY STEPS UP and leaves before they leave both guys laying. This was a great setup either to a title win at Chamber or better yet night 1 Sami title win and then a night 2 win for Cody.
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