WWE Hell in a Cell 2017

David Otunga has a new hat and we have a new interview robot. Tye meets with Bryan and does vaudeville bits with him over yes and 10. Also, Tye wants to be in the US Title match and I think he's in it and it's a triple thread. Nakamura vs. Jinder feels like maybe a World TV Title-level feud. Aiden sings. WWE's last run of WWE Shop ads was all about being an individual and finding your style - now it's all about joining the crowd to fit in. Shelton's got his best gear ever - he finally looks like a star. Gable and Benjamin's finish is right out of Day of Reckoning 2 - awesome. They win and they can't split the Hype bros up fast enough. JINDER MAHAL is the toughest challenge of Nakamura's career. Jinder Mahal. What in the fuck.

New Day vs. Usos starts the show. Well, the rest of this show may warrant watching after the fact. New Day comes down and chats about the Cell. Cane usage goes the way of the faces, with Kofi outside. Woods wraps a chain around his fist and E wheelbarrows him for a fistdropfor 2. E eats the steel and then Jimmy dives onto Woods into the cell too. BIG E MISSES THE SPEAR INTO THE CELL!  Trombone to the balls, then a cowbell to the balls. Now a gong. Uso superkick gets 2. E eats some cane shots. Canechairto. E TOSSES GUYS AROUND. E does a uranage off the apron and Xavier tries to do a backstabber too - so that just never needs to be done again. Midnight Hour gets 2.5. thanks to a save. Double team cane shots with the rainbow-colored cane. THEY TRAP HIM IN THE CELL WITH THE CANES! This is brilliant. DOOMSDAY DEVICE SUICIDE DIVE ONTO E INTO THE CELL! Goddamn, this is a crazy video game match. Uso double dive gets 2.9!

Usos gets some cuffs and E is cuffed to the ropes. Woods gets cuffed on the post and beaten with a cane. Well, this is definitely uncomfortable. Then they beat the fuck out of him with dozens of cane shots! E BREAKS THE CUFFS! BELLY TO BELLY! TACKLE INTO THE CELL! CORNER TO CORNER AGAIN. BIG ENDING HITS FOR 2. Stretch muffler leads to a SUPERKICK PARTY! DOUBLE DIVE GETS 2.9 THANKS TO WOODS! Woods eats more cane shots, but headbutts his way free briefly before EATING MORE CANE SHOTS. DOUBLE DIVE TO THE CHAIR ENDS IT! Goddamn this WAS nuts!

Tye vs. AJ vs. Baron has to follow that...even AJ isn't good enough for that. Nope, just an AJ promo. RUSEV HAS TO FOLLOW THIS!? Yikes. Why the fuck isn't Rusev just jumping Orton during his intro? Rusev kicks his ass and stomps a mudhole into him. RUSEV HAS HIM LOCKED IN A CHINLOCK. Machka of the year! Rusev avoids an RKO and eats a powerslam. RKO ends it. Okay.TLC ad...BUT WILL THERE BE A STAIRS MATCH!? Heath and Kurt do a chicken ad.

Shane stares into the distance backstage. Tye is out with his gooy gear. Faces team up on the heel. AJ gets tossed around. AJ eats a hook off a forearm, but lands a sliding apron knee to Baron. Inside out forearm dive by AJ. Baron grabs him off a forearm and hits the chokeslam backbreaker for 2. AJ hits the forearm to Tye and Baron takes AJ out to steal the win and get the title. A Hart vs. Flairs video airs. Nattie and Charlotte fumble around for a while. Nattie gets 2 off a corner Ligerbomb. Nattie chairshots her for a DQ. The Fashion Files returns with a wacky sitcom intro and Tuesday will have Pulp Fashion for their new case.

WWE Title is up. The goons wearing shirts that match Jinder's gear is a nice touch. Jinder's blue, red, and gold gear is very Superman-esque - only Supes was never this ripped. Nakamura hits the PRIDE knees. Jinder goes for his finish, but Nak turns it into a cradle. Super Kinshasa hits and the goons get involved. Charles Robinson kicks them out. Jinder avoids the corner knee and hits the kolass to win. Wow was this nothing.

Owens does a backstage promo with a new shirt that looks slick - it's a big generic, but the vertical stripe is slimming. Roode comes down in his slick white and black robe. Roode having this gimmick is great because he can just do an indy version of it for eons and get paid. Dolph's "greatest entrance ever" has no lighting or flash - so it's a bit like Batista in 2010, but with no heat. So it's like Dolph with jet black hair. Long chinlocks. Roode sidesteps a superkick with a spinebuster. They do  moon spots of an O'Connor roll and Roode eats a zig zag. Well, that helped zero people. A five hour long video hypes up the main event.

FINALLY, THE CAGE LOWERS. I'd rather be in actual literal hell. Shane hits his flurry to start. "Such a diverse MMA background from Shane McMahon!" Shane gets tossed down and is somehow up doing offense first. What in the fuck.Shane takes some solid bumps into the cell. Shane eats a beating and gets mocked in front of his kids before eating a cannonball. DDT hits KO after a flurry of punches."You still got it!" after a DDT - which even a 60 year old Jake Roberts could do. Shooting star misses and a KO frog splash hits. They put over Shane missing moves, because of course. Shane avoids the powerbomb with a triangle. Rampage powerbomb to the steps on the floor. KO goes for a cannonball through the table, but Shane moves. Shane goes for the coast to coast dropkick with the can. It hits and gets 2 due to the rope break. Shane looks up and the fans pop.

Shane demands that he gets the cage opened, so he gets and struggles with bolt cutters. Thank God Shane has balls of steel and barely had to sell a low blow to set up that DDT. Like anyone would believe a mere mortal like Owens could hit a move on a real-life McMahon. Atomic whip into the door - now that'll hurt the balls. Shane eats a monitor and KO reveals the announce table. Big headbutt to Shane sends him onto the table. He teases a frog splash off the barricade, but stares at the cell. He climbs up - but won't jump. Shane climbs up far slower than KO did. Frye-Takayama spot on the cell. Shane lands a Russian legsweep on the cell. Shane hits a big suplex, and they're really getting the most out of every move up there. SUPERKICK AND A SENTON UP TOP!

Owens sets up a powerbomb up top, but Shane backdrops him. POP-UP POWEBROMB ON TOP OF THE CELL! Well, that was absolutely terrifying. KO goes to toss him off the cell and Shane stops short. They do some awkward running into each other stuff before KO climbs down. BUT SHANE GRABS HIM. They fight on the side and Shane knocks him down through the table - which they almost miss! Shane glances at him to pin him - but looks up. He moves stuff off the main table and sets Owens up. Shane headbutts him to wrap up that story and HE GOES FOR THE ELBOW AND MISSES. SAMI PULLED OWENS OFF THE TABLE! This is fantastic! Sami puts KO on him and makes the ref count - so he has saved his best friend and their story keeps going, now as friends. Crazy finish, but I love the story of Sami really just doing what he could to save his friend - who like him, wasn't given the chances he was promised by Shane.