Survivor Series 2017

"As Shawn Michaels put it, SURVIVOR SERIES IS THE ONE NIGHT A YEAR WHERE RAW AND SMACKDOWN GO HEAD TO HEAD IN COMPETITION!" So Shawn buries the verbiage and then gets that. Matt face Elias with maybe a few hundred folks in the building. Hammerlock on the apron leads to a Side Effect on the apron. Matt appears to be in agony with every step. Elias wins and JOINS THE FAVE FIVE! Kalisto comes out for his title match and gets stuck on the rope doing the reverse skin the cat. Well, it sucks to be Kalisto more than usual. Enzo has new realest champ boxer shirts and a wacky leopard-print robe and is just the best. He says he'll make beef stew outta Kalisto - even though he's chicken! Enzo retains and Kalisto is a goober.

Sami and KO come out for a pre-show match - quite the drop for KO. On the upside, THEY'RE FACING THE FASHION POLICE. Breezango are a great team, and Fandango is hilarious and calls Sami a paperboy. Sami and Kevins should make a citizens arrest of Breezango for all the littering with the tickets. Byron repeats the paperboy line and says "I'm just repeating what's already been said" - it's his life story. Pop-up powerbomb ends it - hooray for evil! A new generic brunette female human chats with AJ, who comes off like the man in this video package. 

YES! STEPH GETS PUT OVER STRONG IN THE SHOW-OPENING VIDEO AS GOD INTENDED. Oh yeah, JOHN CENA RETURNS TONIGHT. Wow has then not been hyped up in the slightest. Woods buries tumblr and says they'll show the world that they're the best. Kofi says the Shield is the hounds, but THEY GONNA GO BOB BARKER ON THEY ASSES! The BATTLE FOR BRAND SUPREMACY involves MANY MANY RECAP videos. Now we get all of the commentary teams on one show at all times. Jesus. Shield comes out to a big reaction. So Roman, of course, doesn't have to wrestle in the geek shirt.

Seth lariats Woods down.  Big buckle bomb by Seth leads to the jumping lariat by Roman for 2. Woods eats a Superman punch and Roman is back to being booed. SUPERKICK PARTY BY SETH! Double jump splash by New Day gets 2! DOUBLE MIDNIGHT HOUR! Reigns saves! Reigns hits a spear and then SUPER TRIPLE POWERBOMB! YES, HERE'S STEPH TO TIE THE TUBES OF THE FEMALE ROSTER! Steph demands NO MORE HUGS. Alicia has a new, more awesome hat.

TAMINA GETS NEW MUSIC. Still no reaction. Alicia and Becky start things off. Bayley schoolgirls Becky to eliminate her. Asuka is kicking the talent out of Tamina. Well, that didn't take long. Bayley tags herself in. TAMINA PINS BAYLEY. Ugh. Tamina and Nia are hyped up as family and "TWO WOMEN WHO HAVE NEVER MADE CONTACT BEFORE". They do mean guy spots and Tamina superkicks her to the floor where Naomi crossbodies her down before Tamina does it again and Nia is counted out. Naomi misses the moonsault and Alicia "hits" a Yakuza kick. Alicia counts three during a Naomi cradle, but then Naomi goes for the neckbar - so that was weird. Sasha cradles Naomi to beat her. Face full of stuff by Carmella. ASUKA GONNA KILL YOU! Kick of death takes her out. Sasha taps to the sharpshooter, leaving it 2 to 1 with Asuka against Nattie and Tamina. Armbar makes her tap. Bubba bomb into an Asuka lock ends it!

Steph and Bryan bicker a bit, she says Bryan putting Cena on his team was nepotism and he tells her that it's rich with HHH putting himself on Team Raw. Steph says that Raw left Shane in a pile of...pile. Okay. Baron's out and we get a German announcer recap. Miz gets fired up with Maryse in the crowd, so he's the face here. Axel's Raw-branded neck brace is tremendous. Cole hypes up Miz as the only man to be at every Survivor Series since 2011. WOW WHAT A STREAK. Cole hypes up WWE's social media stuff. Bo eats an End of Days and Miz gets 2 off a distraction cradle. End of Days pins Miz after the yes kicks. Well this sucked. Renee interviews Baron who says that his hand went up and Miz's mouth went shut.

Charlotte is the star of the Clash of Champions ad. Bayley goes ring shopping with a fan. The Bar comes out. Usos looking fly as fuck in the white gear. Sheamus and Cesaro showing Raw pride in the red and white is great. Usos cut a promo about BARS that is awesome. Usos are perfect babyfaces here. Love Cole saying that Sheamus is underrated after rattling off his WWE Accomplishments. "Think about The Brand, not The Universe!" - human beings talking as humans do. Nasty backdrop into the buckle by Cesaro gets 2. SAMOAN DROP SUPERKICK COMBO! CESARO SWING! SHARPSHOOTER! BROGUE TO JIMMY! JEY GETS TO THE ROPES! Damn - Cesaro sat down on that too. SPRINGBOARD SPIKE WHITE NOISE GETS 2. Cesaro goes for a doomsday device, but Jey hits a super Samoan drop off of it! SUPERKICK PARTY! USO CRAZY DIVE BONKS HIM INTO THE TABLE AND THE DIVE ENDS IT. USOS RULE.

Charlotte's out to face Alexa. Alexa dropkicks her into the steps in a nice spot. Charlotte goes for a slam, but Bliss gets a sorta-inverted DDT for 2. Code red and a rana get 2 for Bliss. Alexa gets a front choke, but Charlotte Batista bombs her for 2. Natural Selection gets 2. Alexa hits a punch and the snap DDT, but the ref has wide angle lenses for eyes and sees a foot on the rope. Charlotte gets a spear and a double-down. Alexa "eats" a boot that misses by a mile and the Figure 8 ends it. Brock vs. AJ BEFORE THE HHH MATCH. Of course. AJ comes out and we get a pre-taped Jinder promo about how he's rooting for AJ - so he's getting involved at the finish. Heyman does his great promo for Brock as THE ULTIMATE TITLE HOLDER.

Brock bullies AJ in the corner and Biels him! BELLY TO BELLY! GERMAN SENDS HIM INTO THE ROPE! AJ gets ragdolled over the top and damn is he a perfect foe for Brock. Giant lifting German! Giant running knee to the corner! He goes for it again, but eats the buckle and a dropkick to the knee and a DDT give AJ a brief bit of life. AJ goes for a tornado DDT, but Brock just flops down on his back and there goes that. He hits a kneeling Pele!  P1 FOREARM MEETS A FLIPOVER GERMAN! AJ backdrops him and Brock hits the apron. Brock's knee slams into the steps and mid-ring, AJ hits an enzuiguri. LIONSAULT HITS! SPRINGBOARD 450 GETS 2.5! CLASH INTO THE F5 INTO THE CALF CRUSHER! BROCK SMASHES HIS HEAD INTO THE MAT LIKE A BASKETBALL. Um, that's stupid. AJ pops him with a sick overhand forearm strike and the P1 FOREARM GETS 2.9! AJ takes the pad off and goes for another one, but THE F5 HITS AND ENDS IT. THIS RULED!

Kurt comes out with new blue and white stars MMA gloves and a ton of leg tape. Balor gets a lot out of the "first Universal Champion" moniker. HHH in Raw-inspired Sons of Anarchy biker gear is hilarious. Bobby Roode is main eventing a WWE main roster PPV. Well kinda. Sure beats facing Dolph Ziggler in the second match on a card. Corey calls Byron Phillps and Byron corrects him in one the funniest bits. Red and black is now blue and black for SD for Nakamura. Cena has neon green and purple. What the hell, did he get a rejected Naomi design or something? Byron talks about Cena "returning to SmackDown" despite him BEING ON SMACKDOWN since the last draft outside of the Reigns-Cena rivalry.

Shane jumps Braun from behind and gets beaten up before he tags out. Joe comes in to face Orton. Joe avoids an RKO, Orton avoids the choke. Balor in all-red kinda works. Orton tags in Nak. Cole says "HERE COMES SHIN!" Balor pushes him in the corner and 2 sweets his forehead to boos. HHH tags in to face Nakamura, and Cole says that HHH is responsible for him being in WWE. Booker says that HHH is going to teach this kid a lesson. Nakamura is like five years younger than HHH. HHH botches his facebuster.

HHH VS. ROODE! Cole makes sure to give all credit to HHH for Roode's success. HHH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER! HHH does the suck it bit and eats a spinebuster. Glorious DDT is countered into a pedigree into the DDT and then HHH throws him in the corner for a tag to Kurt. Suplex city to Roode. Double-down off a double lariat. Nakamura goes in and attacks Kurt. Nak is gone and Braun conquers Roode. HHH and Angle argue. Orton and Cena team up to send Braun outside. ALL OF TEAM SMACKDOWN HELPS CENA AND ORTON TO DOUBLE SUPLEX BRAUN THROUGH AN ANNOUNCE TABLE. Shane goes up to jump through him, but Joe hits a super belly to belly.

Cena and Joe go at it and Byron brings up their history in California. ST-Joe leads to Balor getting tagged in, Joe tagging himself in and eating an AA. AA to Balor and another AA pins Joe. Angle comes in and they play it up as Cena's first match in WWE. Mid-ring slugfest! Ankle lock and an ANGLE SLAM GETS 2 THANKS TO SHANE. BALOR DOUBLE STOMPS CENA! ANGLE SLAM BEATS CENA! Balor hits the shotgun  kick and goes for the double stomp, but Orton avoids and an RKO HITS AND ENDS IT FOR BALOR! HHH jumps Orton with a rabbit lariat. Cole talks about the history of HHH and Orton. Kurt goes up top for no go reason and gets crotched. KO and Sami jump Shane! Of course Shane makes his own one-man comeback against two men. He swings the chair a ton and KO preps for headshots, but eats back and gut ones. Braun powerslams Orton and takes him out.

HHH and Shane square off. Shane cradles Kurt for 2 and gets 2 off a Russian legsweep. Standing flying elbow gets 2 for Shane. Floatover DDT gets 2. Kurt rips the shirt and shows his new top-heavy singlet and gets the ankle lock. HHH comes in and pedigrees Angle. So it's the McMahons versus everyone and of course, the McMahons must win! And HHH pedigrees Shane to win it and make both men "sole survivors". Braun looks on angrily - HHH is gonna get quite a powerslamming and is probably facing Braun at Rumble, or at some non-WM show. BRAUN THROTTLES HIM and tells him he'll never play the game again if he crosses him again! HHH goes to cheapshot him - BUT EATS THE POWERSLAM. Okay, so in the end, youth actually won it sorta. Another powerslam and this will be the moment on the Braun WWE 24 doc in a few years that they point to as THE MOMENT for Braun Strowman.