Guido beats Steve Cuttler in an okay-ish match. Guido still looks about the same as ever, shockingly. Jay Bradley's out in somehow more generic gear than his TNA days to face MVP. MVP looks better now than he did in TNA and has dyed his hair black again and lost some weight. They exchange slaps after some mat wrestling. MVP lands a yakuza kick on the barricade. Bradly eats one mid-ring, but avoids the playmaker, but eats a belly to belly. Bradley gets 2 off a bulldog. Mid-ring drive by kick ends it.
Nick Aldis comes down with Shane Douglas, whose "CUT THE DAMN MUSIC" promo doesn't work without actual music. Shane cuts a Local Sports Team promo instead of actually putting over Nick Aldis. So this was worth the ticket for him. Carlito has a re-recorded version of his theme and pretends to be blown up slapping hands. Between this and the HOF, he is so much funnier outside of WWE. Carlito paces around the ring to go after Shane, giving Aldis a chance to avoid damage. Ref tosses out Shane, but Aldis wins anyway.
Squad World Order video airs and Curt Stallion is out for the four way with Connor Braxton, who uses a hoverboard in his matches and had a funny HOH comedy match with Striker a while back. Bull James is fat again and Arik Cannon is still around! We get some segway-related comedy. Bull is scared to ride, but gets punched around. SEGWAY SWING and Arik hits a neckbreaker on the ropes. James hits a cheesehead seated senton and wins it.
Willie Mack comes down to face Brian Cage, who is fucking gigantic. Cage hits a wacky pumphandle facebuster for 2. Mack hits a Samoan drop and a nip up into a moonsault for 2. Cage hits an F5 for 2.5. Cage for a rainmaker, but Mack hits an exploder out of that and no-sells it. Double-down off a lariat. Cage goes for a screwdriver, but Mack his Swann's kick and a stunner before frog splashing him to end it. The Squad is out with Junior Member Randy. They bury the Packers and make gay jokes. Randy gets a "who are you" chant. Kenny cuts a Joel Gertner-esque promo and is awesome at that. He's also great at hyping up Mikey, who comes off like a bigger star than anyone on Raw.
Al Snow, Swoggle, and Dave Hero are out - with Snow and Swoggle wrestling. Al Snow is still all jacked up, but he's shaved his goatee. We get a lot of stalling, and given that Snow is old and Swoggle is terrible, this is a good move. Snow holds up Head for a long time. Then Al does some cheerleading for Swoggle. Long criss cross. Jesus fuck this match. Al's arm gets pumhhandled, and this is only going to end one way. KENNY GETS HIS ARM PUMPHANDLED! Randy is great here. MIKEY KEEPS DOING IT until he sees his enemies and now he knows he's doomed. Okay, that almost redeemed this match. Faces bite the assholes of the heels. German to Mikey by Swoggle. Al eats a beating, but Swoggle comes in with a tag the ref doesn't see. SAMOAN DROP BY SWOGGLE! Snow gets a tag and the Snow plow gets 2. DAMMIT. END! Head hits and the tadpole splash ends it.
Abyss is out to face Tommy Dreamer in his own Bullet Club-style shirt. So that has to be the jump the shark moment for that. They stall. And brawl. And stall. and Brawl. and stall. Abyss goes down after THREE FLIP FLOP AND FLY ELBOWS. TNA walk and brawl special. Tommy gets crotched on the guardrail. The commentators talk about Tommy being an innovator and how he's always thinking of new things to do. Abyss goes for the earthquake splash and it goes the same way it always does for Abyss - with a chair to the balls. Abyss sends Tommy down and gets a ladder. Dreamer DDT gets 2. Tommy's hair is amazing and he gets a bag of tacks. Aldis distracts Tommy and he takes a black hole slam into the tacks to end it. Tommy says some stuff that can't be heard due to the mic. They play Tommy's music and he's pissed because he lost.
Lisa Marie Varon is out to face Candice Michelle in her final match. Victoria looks fine, while Candice has had a few too many surgeries on her face. Both are put over as legendary, so that term means even less than usual. Victoria's knee buckles off a backbreaker and she suckers everyone in by slapping Candice. Candice hits a variety of lariats. Candice avoids the widow's peak and hits a kneeling x-factor. She thanks Wisconson before hitting a sloppy tornado DDT and winning. Well, this was a perfect retirement match for her given how limited she was a decade ago. They hug and kiss. Candice thanks Lisa for helping her become who she is and talked about being in Hollywood at 18 and getting her big break thanks to WWE. She talks about being so excited about winning the women's title. She says that tonight marks the 15th anniversary of her mother's death and she thanks Tommy for giving her this platform to go out on. She talks about being a role model for her kids tonight and man was this great - it was a billion times better than the match itself.
Joey Mercury comes out with Shane and the Federal Director comes out and tells Shane that he now has a managerial license across the country. Austin Aries comes out in front of his hometown for the first time. I love the commentators burying Shane for his sneakers and suit jacket. Aries goes through the motions and tries to have a good match with Mercury, who can move - but can't really work anymore. Long reverse bearhug by Joey. Superman punch and pedigree hit. Suicide dive hits the heels. Steel chain from Shane KOs Aries, but Dreamer is the second ref and he stops short. RKO TO JOEY! Tree of woe to Shane and Joey and we get Aries and Dreamer doing double ECW dropkicks.450 hits and ends it.
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