WWE SmackDown 3-26-19

I usually don't watch SD Live, but this week has Kurt's last match on the show, so what the heck. New Day comes out and Tom talks about New Day being rumored to quit. Yeah, they have pancakes and are just being goofy - so I doubt that. Woods steals a line from Lance Storm and asks if he can be serious for a minute. Woods thanks THE ENTIRE WWE Universe, words you of course use when you're mad at the giant corporation. Big E talks about all the adversity Kofi has overcome and Woods wants some answers.

They threaten a sit in but thankfully Vince comes down to nix anymore filler. Bryan talks about New Day being a novelty act that Vince created and if they want to quit, fine. Just bring people up from NXT and have them throw waffles - Kofi's just a B Plus player anyway. Bryan's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRECT VINCE I AGREE WITH YOU ALL THE WAY! bit is fantastic. Vince says if New Day can win a gauntlet tonight, Kofi's in. WHY ARE THE WM 35 MAIN EVENT OPPONENTS BUDDIES ON ESPN!?

Not Renee Young interviews Becky. Becky says that Ronda brings the title, she brings the people, but Charlotte's just a third wheel who isn't adding anything to the match. Thankfully, Charlotte's theme hits and she says she'll show what she can add. Asuka comes down, so we're seemingly getting an impromptu title match. And yeah, it's just a title match for no reason given.

Long headlocks start things off. Charlotte gets locked into an awesome octopus stretch before attacking the knee. Charlotte hits a quick codebreaker. Hip attack, German, and a shining wizard get 2 for Asuka. Rope hip attack misses, but a yakuza kick hits for 2 for Charlotte. They have a sloppy strike exchange for 2.

Spanish Fly hits for 2. Charlotte does a poor man's Brock impression with some mounted elbows. Asuka gets a triangle, but Charlotte gets a sitout Rampage bomb. Figure 8 is locked on and Charlotte wins it! As Charlotte leaves, Kurt comes down to have his last match on SD and against AJ Styles. Not Renee talks to AJ

Kurt starts off with a German quickly, but AJ avoids an Angle slam. Quick calf crusher, but Kurt turns it into an ankle lock. Nice of them to have five finishers stored before the match. Orton RKOs AJ and then Kurt hits an Angle slam on him. Well that was sure worth the plane flight for everyone involved. Dominic swears revenge on Joe and looks like Joseph Park.

A goofy Snickers ad buries Roode and Gable because they're hungry and need candy. So I understand the narrative of this candy commercial, if there are any botches on TV, it's because they didn't have their Snickers - the official candy bar of WWE. Miz comes out. Miz acting like an ass-kicker might be the funniest thing on WWE TV in ages.  He GETS SERIOUS when talking about his dad being attacked and wants a falls count anywhere match. Shane gets Shelton, Sanity, and Primo to protect him along with security. 

Shane demands and gets a BEST IN THE WORLD intro and says the goons are out to protect Miz from him.A brawl breaks out and everyone scurries. Iiconics vow to win the titles at WM. Joy. New Day beats Gallows and Anderson in short order. They then beat Rusev and Nakamura, with Nakamura doing the job. The Bar gets a nice, long match with them. Woods beats Sheamus with a schoolboy. Usos come out and say that Kofi deserves a WWE Title shot. The Usos forfeit and then Bryan destroys a TV backstage before Bryan and Rowan come down. Faces in peril for a while until E tips a table over on Rowan and they win by countout. So that's out Kofi goes to WM. KOFI GOES TO WRESTLEMANIA...via countout...

Vince says that Kofi is going to WM, but can a B Plus guy beat Bryan for the title? The babyface roster comes down in support of Kofi.

AAA Rey de Reyes 2019

 

Vamp is on commentary in prepartion for his FUCKIN MUSIC and in a ridiculous outfit.This is some wacky theme music. Really needs Super Porky coming out to Looney Tunes music. The mascots leave and we get a video with Cody. PENTA is in formal wear! Vamp says there are 11 people vying to become king here in this tourney with 9 people announced. Big show-starting Pena-centric celebration.

 

Vamp is doing commentary in English with the highest-pitched voice man ever. Lady Marievella and Villaino Jr face Nino Burger and Big Mami. "He's like a big, tiny marshmallow and I love him to death!" - go Vamp go. Lady Marievella shakes her ass a bit to fool Burger into loving her. Swanton gets 2 for the heels, and they miss the cover completely. Burger eats a double...something that misses and gets 2 from Villaino. YAY FAT PERSON DIVE! FAT PERSON TOWER OF DOOM! FALLING SOFA SPLASH FOR THE WIN!

Nino Burger takes the heel chick out because he's got a crush on her. Oh how sweet. I like Vamp saying that AAA is big instead of being like Impact and begging for every single fan to like them again. CODY! Cody says he wants to not only bring Mexican talent to AEW, but Omega and Jericho to AAA and Hugo will be their Spanish correspondent. Konnan in a Hawaiian shirt is out with a man dressed like a bull and some mafiosos. As ya do. Konnan says that if you want to formulate a plan, you clear it with him. Okay, Hugo translating KONNAN'S ENGLISH TO CODY is the best thing ever - followed by Cody rolling his eyes.

Konnan's goons attack Cody. I hope Cody isn't waiting for them to play Vamp's FUCKIN MUSIC before he makes a save. Thank God, actual babyfaces save him. Taya says some stuff and is back in her swimsuit gear. "THIS IS THE BIGGEST NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF THE INDUSTRY TO DATE. THIS IS NO LIE!" - Vampiro, 2019. Some of the wrestlers hand out subs to really make them feel like stars and then Vamp talks over the Spanish VO. Chik Tormenta is out looking awesome. Her first opponent Hiedra might as well be named Tits. Now Keyra's out.and then Lady Shani with I guess her daughter. Shani beats Tits for the title with a superbomb in a match with crazy chairshots, a spanish fly off the apron through a table, and other shit.

Faby is out to confront the evil heel ref. A fight has broken out! WHEELBARROW ARMDRAG AND A TILT A WHIRL BACKBREAKER! Taya runs down too.Vamp cuts a promo on GODDAMN EMOJIS! We get a crazy hardcore spot highlight video. YES! Non-union Mexican Shield is here! Taya in her swimsuit gear is so much better than her '91 wacky neon getup on Impact. Daga is back and Tessa is insulting random people on the Twitch chat.

Taya runs wild for a bit before getting hit with a spread eagle shotgun dropkick to the crotch. Well that was new. Taya recovers and stacks 2 up in the corner for rotating elbows and then a spear to the third guy. Daga runs wild with kicks and a flying neckbreaker. Taya hits a back suplex for 2. Air Raid Crash hits for 2. Daga lands an electric chair German for 2. Lider eats a chairshot from Daga and a DVD through a ladder. Wazzup dropkick with a chair to the balls ends it. Heels beat up Taya untiL Faby comes down and they wait a thousand years to block it. If this was truly AAA, they'd have had a staffer help the heels toss Lider off the stage. Taya and Faby shake hands.

The OGTs are out. Vamp pointing out that they could get sued ON THE SHOW WITH ALL THIS MUSIC NOT BEING CLEARED is great. Puma King is called the coolest cat and Drago out to the Halo 2 theme in 2019 is just the best. Pagano is here and now AG is going to sing. Fat Lucha Batman eats a ball shot. TRIPLE CRADLE SPOT. What a...thing this is. Pagano hits a running blockbuster to Fatman. A Puma King powerbomb gets 2. Crazy powerbomb on the EDGE OF A TABLE ON THE FLOOR! Insane powerbomb to the edge of a table and then somehow Pagano does a springboard cutter and lands on his ass like it's a bubba bomb. Pagano and Chessman do...something off the top through a table on the floor. Averno hits a super kneeling angel's wings to win in the safest move of the match. Everyone is either walking hurt or barely moving after being carted out.

 PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THEY ARE PROFESSIONAL LUCHADORS! Now that may be the biggest insult in all of this. "This is hard to watch, but THANK YOU!" Vamp talks about Super Porky being a hero of his but now his sons are doing battle in a cage. Vamp wants them to show Porky not walking anymore. Mamba comes out to face La Mascara. Maximo's out with the AAA flag. JEFF JARRETT IS HERE! YES ! He threatens Super Porky and his walker!

Jeff sells getting goosed and bumps for a near-kiss. Jeff Jarrett can work this style of match until he's 100 - thank God WWE's letting him still work AAA. It's gonna be great when this match ends and Porky kicks Jeff's ass as much as he physically can. He should run him over with a Hover-round. Guitar shots aplenty for Psycho. Jeff leaves and GETS CHOPPED BY PORKY I'm not sure how you win this. Or lose it. Doesn't really matter.

Kross says it's time for violence and then leaves. The story here is that Mascara thinks he can beat his family on his own. Psycho is so ungodly over, it's nuts. Mascara gets his ass shown and then eats a superbomb through a table and Psycho Clown wins. THE TOURNAMENT IS YET TO COME!? WHAT IN THE FUCK!? Holy Jesus this show is going to be longer than Mania.

Faby announces her alliance with Taya and then Blue Demon Jr. comes down. Demon says that the world's hottest DILF Dr. Wager Jr. has been ducking him and he'll defend his mask with his life. Then some chicks with nice racks show off a sword that symbolizes greatness or something.

Taurus does a rainmaker as a transition spot. Nasty springboard cutter and we get THE BUZZER OF DEATH! Giant annoying buzzer leading to IT'S MY LIFE... is just the best. Around the galaxy headscissor by Aerostar. We get two inverted 630 splashes on the floor by different people. Poor Myzteziz is doomed, and it's amazing that there are three Caristico knockoffs, alongside the OG. Taurus takes out Myzt Jr with a Taurus Driver and then Golden Magic is taken out. Jack Evans avoids the driver and hits a tornado kick and a 630, but Taurus rolls out. 054 gets a pin on Evans from a guy dressed as a gladiator. Sammy hits a burning hammer/GTS combo. Laredo, Taurus, Vikingo, and Aeurostar are left. Vamp telling Sammy "you got the shit kicked out of you - you got schooled" was great.

Aerostar lands a gorgeous Uso dive and gets a pin. It's down to Aerostar and Laredo Kid. Aerostar lands a MASSIVE springboard top rope codebreaker! Aeorstar grabs his giant sword and holds it high. A kid marks out behind Hugo and then we get an epic Pentagon video before the Lucha Bros come out to face Rey Escorpion and Texao Jr.

WWE Fastlane 2019

I get home in time to see and worse hear the Iiconics. Good God is there act negative heat. SONYA DEVILLE of all people is burying EC3. Jesus Christ! Rey vs. Andrade is changed to a rematch of the 4 way from SD. Ricochet cuts a terrible selfie promo with Aleister Black being all brooding. What a random pairing this is. KO cuts a promo before Kofi and New Day comes in and some goober tells Kofi he has been summoned by the McMahons.

Nakamura and Rusev are out to face New Day.They hit a double powerbomb to Woods on the floor off a flip dive for 2. WHY IS THE SHIELD BOMB BEING USED IN ANY FORM NOW!? Midnight Hour hits Rusev to end it. ...and now we're back into the overbearing Roman push stuff. Well, I'll give them until...MAYBE the post-WM Raw before he gets booed again with this. It's astounding that something like this is even possible, but everything about the hype video focused on him until the WWE Title match.

Shane and Miz are out for the SD Tag Title match. Miz in Cleveland colors works. DIVE FROM MIZ! Shane and an Uso tease their dives onto opposition and Shane intercepts the Uso splash with a coast to coast dropkick in mid-air. Miz goes for a frog splash and gets kneed and cradled to lose. Shane turns on Miz after the match in front of his rather. Shane rabbit punches him and gets on...what we'll call a triangle choke. It's very much like the one in No Mercy 20 years ago.

Elias comes out to sing and an HHH-Batista video airs. Mandy's out to face Asuka. They exchange holds and Asuka gets an octopus on to counter hers so Mandy can get some wind. She's got her working fuck-me boots on though. Sonya accidentally hits Mandy with a cane that misses by a mile and then Mandy loses to a spin kick. Riveting.

Vince meets with the New Day and they tell Vince to live up to his word and make Kofi a box office hit. Why is everyone cutting Kofi's fired-up promo for him? Vince makes it a triple threat match and it's up next. So this is just absurdly too early for a WWE Title match. And it is, as Kofi is added to a HANDICAP MATCH against The Bar. DEY CLUBBERIN TONY! Doomsday powerbomb hits. Variety of Brogue kicks hit before the other New Day guys come back and get beaten up by SHIN and Rusev. Boss and Hug are of course joyous. Bayley with the star makeup works.

Elias sings again. Recap of Shane turning on Miz. Revival rock tourquoise and black and red tracksuits. Bunch of wacky 3-man spots, including Black hitting the kick on someone who wasn't in-frame after someone else ducked. Giant rana onto a pile on the floor. Shatter Machine to Gable and Ricochet hits a 630 after losing and even get the post-match theme.

Charlotte and her giant rack are helped into her robe before Becky comes in with a crutch in her left arm, which is also taped up. Maybe she should have a neck brace on too. Truth and Andrade are out for the 4 way, now Rey. Rey's white, blue and black gear is awesome. Joe dives on everyone. Rey turns an island driver into a DDT. Andrade does two amigos and cradled for 2 on the third. It's amazing that in 2019, Rey is having better matches with a guy paying tribute to Eddie than Eddie could have with him in '05. TRUTH HITS A FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE TO JOE! Joe and his giant, curly hair is bizarre. Andrade shined with tornado dives, but Rey gets choked after missing a frog splash.

Womens tag is up and Bayley eats a lot of offense and then gets in a random lock by Tamina. Bayley pins Nia thank God. Nia beats up Sasha and throws her over the announce table. Beth teases attacking the heels. No one cared about Beth in her time and now we'll get Beth vs. Nia or/Tamina. Joy! Nia legdrops her. Nattie makes a save, so I guess it'll be a tag at WM.Okay then. Bryan's help belt tron and Earth-toned nameplate graphic are fantastic. HOW CAN WWE GET SMALL TOUCHES LIKE THIS RIGHT AND SO MANY BIGGER THINGS WRONG!?

Mustafa Ali is added to the match since Vince said it would be a triple threat and Ali was going to get a shot at the Chamber. Ali getting Rey'd here. Sad to see - they had a little something with him a month or so ago. Crowd chants for Kofi with WE WANT KOFI chants almost on-par with WE WANT FLAIR chants in WCW when he was gone. Bryan and KO work wonderfully together. Ali gets backpack sentoned by KO to Bryan. Spanish fly to Bryan. KO goes for a stunner but eata a Cro Cop kick. KO goes for a powerbomb on the apron, but gets backdropped and he takes a PCO bump on the apron. BRYAN HITS A 450 ON THE APRON! Springboard tornado DDT off the top to the floor to Bryan, but KO eats a spin kick from Rowan.

They're having a great match and chanting for Kofi. So maybe KO and Bryan shouldn't be killing themselves for this. KO nearly killed himself off a flip dive and Ali eats the running knee off a flying something off the top by Ali. Bryan doing jaw-held slaps to him was a great heel touch. Rowan destroying Ali afterwards was a nice touch. Charlotte is out while Becky has the black and yellow Bride gear on her shorts now. AND BECKY HAS A KNEE BRACE TOO. Lord.

Lots of work on the knee by Charlotte. They exchange finishers before Ronda attacks Becky, so Becky wins it and Ronda POINTS TO THE SIGN. Elias sings again. Orton is out RKOs him and AJ takes him out to set up hteir WM match. Lashley's logo being added to his kneepads add a little something to his presentation and God knows he needs it without Lio. Shield comes out and Cole says that Dean is leaving WWE soon while Seth is going onto WM to face Brock and it's THE SHIELD'S FINAL RIDE.

Slingblade to Lashley by Seth. Dean hits the diving elbow to Drew on the floor, but a spear from Lashley gets 2. Dean and Seth dive, but Roman's deadman dive meets a deep six for 2. Timekeeper area brawl leads to a Seth dive off the balcony. Sheild bomb gets a big pop. Corbin eats a superkick, Superman punch, and dirty deeds. Seth yells it's ONE LAST MOTHERFUCKING TIME! Shield bomb to Corbin ends it.

AWA Battle of the Breakfast Cereal

The WWE Network has another insane hidden gem for the AWA - THE BATTLE OF THE BREAKFAST CEREAL! Larry Nelson starts things off at a Dutch angle for some reason. He throws to Dale Gagner mid-ring with a projector screen behind them showing the IN YOUR SPACE naming for this. Andrea Wheeler shows up in a dress that looks like a giant cake to sing the national anthem in this battle to determine cereal supremacy. General Mills is repped by TOTAL THE TERRIBLE, Mike Enos in a powder blue robe who throws Total out to the fans and eats random handfuls of it.




Kellogg's is repped by NUTRA-ROCKNY, a generic mulleted man in red who looks like a less-charismatic version of Erik Watts. So he's the Total of wrestling then and it's just Ricky Rice of the Top Guns. Wayne Bloom is out as Hondo the Haymaker. He gets Total thrown at him and then tosses a box full of Cheerio dust at the fans. Or maybe it's Larry Nelson's cocaine. Probably the former. Love the double bicep pose IN A ROBE. Derrick Dukes is out as the other Kellogg's rep - so we have seemingly the Top Guns vs. the Destruction Crew here. The Mills team is led by The General - Colonel DeBeers. DEBEERS ELBOW DROPS A BOX OF CORN FLAKES. By God, he took a bump!


 

 And now a vicious FLURRY OF STOMPS. Hey now, someone has to clean that shit up. Wahoo McDaniel is out as Dr. K. Badd Company is out as the Mills Brothers throwing more cereal around before battle the S & M Team - sales and marketing of course.



 An actual director of marketing for Kellogg's comes out for a speech and he's got stand-up comedy. They went to the Hyatt because the offices for General Mills were too cheap. How he grabs a box of Honey Nut Cheerios and throws them aside for the TRULY SUPERIOR HONEY NUT CRUNCH-Os. According to the shirt on one of the front row guys, this event happened on May 1,1989 and it's a Kellogg's sales meeting. So they're just outright using other brands without legal permission - pretty ballsy.


 Now he calls out Total Raisin Bran and stomps on it before saying WE'RE GONNA FIGHT THE COMPETITION. WE'RE GONNA FIGHT EM AT THE GROCERY STORE, FIGHT EM AT THE LOADING DOCKS, FIGHT EM IN RESEARCH LABS, AND FIGHT EM TIL HELL FREEZES OVER. AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, WE'LL FIGHT EM ON THE ICE.  It's actually a darn fine promo. He did more to put over Kellogg's cereal than WWE has done to put over the Universal Title in months. Now he cuts a heel promo on Wheaties and Kix, saying it hasn't been good since before he started. Then he kicks the Kix and says they're mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore!



Okay, now it's time for the matches - so I think things have peaked with his heel promo on General Mills. It's Mike Enos against Ricky Rice. Larry Nelson is doing commentary over the house mic. Ricky hits a thump for 2. He hits an okay dropkick and a shitty splash to win. Some guy named Tim cuts a promo on General Mills being idiots for just burying their competition and not building up their own brand...um...yeah this isn't the best show to say that. IT'S TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE AND THIS IS WAR! They don't appreciate dirty tactics! They have the GM attack plan and pieced it together with bits of info and other means. They'll be making knock-off with similar names mainly to chip away at competitors. Then he buries their own prior marketing strategies and says the outcome was as predictable as one of the joke wrestling matches. Well, that's fair - stupid as hell, but fair.


 Wayne Bloom comes out and says Honey Nut Cheerios are more nutritious! Dukes is out as Mr. O-Ppurtunity. Wayne cheats and gets called out by Larry over the mic, so he says they're all a bunch of liars - look who they work for! DOUBLE AXE HANDLE WITH A BOX OF CHEERIOS, BUT IT DOES NO DAMAGE! Flying shoulderblock wins it.



Wahoo and his giant red singlet are out to face DeBeers. Giant chop takes DeBeers down. Tons of chops from Wahoo and punches from DeBeers. Ref bump and DeBeers hits Wahoo with some knucks. The Kellogg's babyfaces wake up the ref and throw him into the ring where Wahoo wins with a chop.



The EVP of sales Mike Simpson comes down and he adores the wacky nicknames - so I guess he came up with them. Now it's time for the In Your Space tag team trophy. The S&M Team is Greg Gagne and Tom Zenk. Now Greg does blend in far too well with this pack of regular people. Greg eats a boot rake, and the camera exposes no contact being made on anything. Zenk hits a crossbody off the top and wins. Larry Nelson puts over Kellogg's as coming to General Mills' backyard and reigning supreme.