WWE Summerslam 2017

Elias sings and gets booed - so he says he has to start over now. I love it. He mocks Brooklyn a ton and asks them when they lost their balls. New Day is out in Red Lantern gear. Woods chops away at an Uso in the corner. Big E is just great throwing fuckers around. Lots of craziness with the Usos just flying all over and E goes for a dive...but stops himself before he's supposed to be stopped by a superkick. Apron splash to E leads to a splash for Woods for 2.9! KOJI CLUTCH BY WOODS! UP UP DOWN DOWN GETS 2.9! SUICIDE SPEAR BY E! SUPERKICK PARTY TO E! DOUBLE UCE ENDS IT. This was incredible. KFC ad leads to HBK coming out as Col Sanders. All righty.

Baron vs. Cena is the opener. Wow. He will at least ensure a hot crowd though, so it's smart there. Baron's loss from Tuesday is recapped. ONE OF THE BEST STRIKERS IN THE WORLD TODAY. BARON CORBIN. Holy bullshit. Lots of punches. Chinlock. Chokeslam backbreaker gets 2 for Baron. Fistdrop hits, but a Deep Six gets 2 for Corbin. AA ends it. Well, Baron's doomed.

Nattie vs. Naomi is up. Naomi has been champ since WM...boy what a nothing title. Slingshot ass drop by Nattie. This match is so boring that JBL is talking about Brad Armstrong to add some energy to it. Nattie wins with the sharpshooter. We get a creepy Alexa video for No Mercy. It's now a Raw show for some reason, but hey, cool ad. Enzo yammers for a bit and basically says he's better on the mic than Cass is in the ring. LOL at the announcers turning on Enzo. This plods along until Enzo comes out of the cage in his boxers. AND GETS BOOTED BY CASS. Two big boots and an empire elbow end it for Cass.

Kurt and Bryan exchange WWE Words and Phrases. Holy crap is this bad. And now it's time for Orton's match! Handsome Rusev jumps him and demolishes him until the bell rings - then Orton hits an RKO and wins. Well, it was perfectly-timing stuff. Sasha walks backstage while Bayley just looks sad and Sasha walks off. LOL. They have a pretty okay match with Alexa constantly choking her out, but then Sasha taps her. Bray is out. Now Balor. Trish's theme laugh in this kinda kills it. Cole goes into this long diatribe as to what the demon is. THANK YOU MICHAEL COLE FOR EXPLAINING THIS GIMMICK. Now it is 1000% less cool. They have a plodding match that is far too long and Balor wins with the footstomp.

Raw Tag Title match is up. Seth now has fire and red and black...so I guess he's the new Kane. Cole rattles off WWE Facts. The crowd gets bored and uses a beach ball, so CESARO GOES IN THE CROWD AND DESTROYS THE BALL. CAN THE ARCHITECT THE KINGSLAYER SETH ROLLINS MAKE HIS WAY TO THE LUNATIC FRINGE!? Great double teams from the Shield, but Cesaro gets a sharpshooter on Dean. Rain Trigger and the Dirty Deeds end it. Of course The Bar loses after getting matching gear.

US Title time brings out Shane in a custom ref shirt jersey. Shane O Jacked tonight. Goddamn. Fye/Takayama exchange after CHINLOCK CITY. Shane gets shoved by KO into AJ, resulting in a crotching of AJ. Springboard 450 hits AJ instead of Owens. They're just going through major stuff here. KO taps to the Calf Crusher, but Shane's down. AJ argues with Shane, who fast-counts AJ off a schoolboy for 2. AJ goes for a floatover DDT, but misses it a bit and then turns it into a schoolboy and a Clash for 2. KO gets the powerbomb, but AJ's foot is on the rope, so he stops the call. Forearm hits and he goes for the clash and hits it to win. We get an awesome Nakamura-Jinder hype video.

Nakamura gets a big intro while Jinder gets his usual one. 3MB chant for Jinder. Jinder does his usual boring offense. Long chin and armlocks. Goons come in and Mahal actually botched his finish to win. Amazing. Braun is down and then Joe comes down to a huge Joe chant. Okay. Belt this man! Big Braun and Brock brawl. Everyone eats suplexes and Joe chokes Brock, but Roman spears them through the barricade! POWERSLAM THROUGH THE TABLE BY BRAUN TO BROCK! POWESLAM THROUGH ANOTHER TABLE. HE FLIPS THE ANNOUNCE TABLE ONTO BROCK! F5 TO JOE GETS 2 THANKS TO REIGNS. REIGNS EATS AN F5 AND RETAINS. Well, Joe was "a guy" here.