A Wrestling Arcade video package with a Streets of Rage 2 motif airs to start things off - along with a James Ellsworth video package and a PCO vs. WALTER graphic looks great. A Limp Bizkit video package airs to further this being a time warp. Nick Gage says he was in jail for seven years and he'll send his opponent to fucking hell. PENTA calls his opponent a motherfucker. David Starr talks about wrestling Mike Quackenbush and being lucky to wrestle on four continenents. David says he wants to wrestle him because he knows Mike only has a few matches left and he wants to prove himself against the man who created CHIKARA. The main event of Janela vs. Sasuke gets an epic video with Joey just staring at the mask.
Another Streets of Rage 2-inspired video airs with Virgil MAKING IT RAIN FUCK MONEY. The Nitro theme starts things off. A giant "spring break/woop woop!" chant breaks out. Eli Everfly, DJZ, Tony Deppen, Gringo Loco, KTB, and Teddy Hart - who they're shocked actually showed up and figuring what injury he'll fake tonight. Eli gets tossed to the floor while KTB rolls through for a corner toss. Deppen...jiggles his dick around for a bit before Gringo shows up behind him for spots. Eli lands a deja vu headscissor and goes for a wheelbarrow headscissor, but Gringo nips up. DJZ hits a big neckbreaker whlie airhorns go off. Teddy hits a moonsault on the pile.
Tony goes for a dive and a commentator says that he just hopes they move - but they don't. Gringo hits a double stomp off a KTB DVD, but slips a bit and falls short on the swanton to Teppen. KTB's lionsault misses. Springboard stunner hits for Gringo. Tower of Doom leads to a moonsault and a DJZ double DDT. Deppen foearms Eli, who lands a DOUBLE UNDERHOOK CANADIAN DESTROYER FROM THE TOP ROPE! Goddamn that ruled, and a star was made in a single match.
James Ellsworth comes out to face Matt Riddle, which should be a riot. A giant BRO chant breaks off when Ellsworth comes into the ring and says he loves the crowd. Riddle comes down and is just the coolest dude ever. Matt fistbumps not only the fans, but an inflatable gator. Ellsworth clips the knee and DDTs it. ELLSWORTH GETS 1! Riddle gets a deadlift gutwrench suplex! Riddle chops him, elbows the sorta-jaw and Riddle exploders him. GIANT senton hits for Riddle! Riddle goes for a kneelift, but ELLSWORTH HAS NO CHIN TO HIT! SUPERKICKS GET 2.5 FOR ELLSWORTH! Bromission gets the tap!
Virgil comes down in grey sweats and a hoodie to say words. He gets a "fuck money" chant and they bury him for wearing sweatsuits and bury him for being old and not being able to be understood with his callout. "WHO IS THIS UNINTELLIGIBLE OLD MAN TRYING TO CALL OUT!?" Virgil leaves and slaps hands with people. That gets a "what the fuck" chant while the ring announcer Tweets this craziness out. The ref for the next match seemingly gets his own entrance by pure accident. PCO lumbers out to engage in war with WALTER!
WALTER gives PCO a chance to leave and avoid this beating. WALTER GOES FOR A CHOP, but PCO blocks it. A giant PCO chant breaks out and he backs WALTER up and slaps his chest. PCO evades a wristlock with a shockingly-fast butterfly hook escape. PCO sends him out with a tackle and goes for a dive, so WALTER pounces him! WALTER CHOPS HIM! ANOTHER ONE! Chop exchange and a sitdown splash give WALTER an edge. MASSIVE chop exchange!
WALTER drops him off a nasty chop. PCO kicks the knee and lands a buzzsaw kick. He runs at him and eats a backdrop to the floor. PCO hits a left round kick and sets up a table before chopping him. WALTER slams him on the apron and chops his chest. PCO goes to powerbomb him through the table, so WALTER kicks him down, chops him, and chucks him into the steps. He sets up a chop on the post, BUT IT MISSES. PCO attacks the hand and hits the world's sloppiest and scariest moonsault off the top. WALTER powerbombs him, but there's no ref.
Another ref comes down and counts 2. PCO has a big cut on his head now. GIANT CHOP EXCHANGE LEADS TO PCO TAKING DOWN THE SHIRT AND CHOPPING AWAY. His best is black and...less black. Dude is bruised to hell and back and they JUST KEEP CHOPPING! PCO hits a discus elbow. SUICIDE DIVE BY PCO! AND THEN A FLIP DIVE! WALTER barely gets a boot up and they chop on top. SUPER RANA BY PCO!
PCO GETS 2.5! PCO goes for a slam, but can't lift him on either that or a fireman's carry lift, so WALTER just flip Germans him! SPLIT LEGGED MOONSAULT GETS 2 FOR PCO! CHOP EXCHANGE UP TOP! PCO avoids a throw off the top and chops him and lands a flipping senton off the top to win it! Holy shit this was insane - best match of the weekend by far. They stare at each other, slap hands, CHOP EACH OTHER MORE, and shake hands. This was nuts!
Nick Gage comes out looking well, like a criminal who is on a ton of drugs to face Penta. Penta's black and gold gear remains incredible. The crowd chants for Gage and he calls them all motherfuckers. They talk about how he spent seven years in jail for robbing a bank, and how they respect him for paying his debt and becoming the fucking man. Gage forearms him and they beat the piss out of each other on the floor before Penta gets a door under the ring. They point out that a table being under a ring makes sense for makeshift commentary, but doors? They're just there for folks to get thrown into. HIPTOSS THROUGH A DOOR!
DOOR TO THE HEAD OF GAGE! GAGE EATS AN ELBOW OFF THE BARRICADE ONTO A TABLE ONTO A DOOR AND THE TABLE DOESN'T BREAK! PENTA DRIVER THROUGH A DOOR WITH A CHAIR BRIDGE GETS 2. Gage powerbombs him through it and wins with a chokebreaker to retain his title.
David Starr is out to face Quack. WALTER does commentary. Quack has some nice Bret homage black and pink gear. Starr gets 2 off a quick cradle. Quack hits an inverted atomic and a stomp to the foot along with a cover gets 2. Starr hits a corner DVD and WALTER says "what the fuck, come on!" Quack eats a springboard lariat and lands nastily on the floor. Quack lands a suicide dive and goes for a second, but eats a DRAPING DDT ON THE APRON. Quack gets a judo takeover and a modified Rings of Saturn. Quack lands a superkick to the jaw, but eats a nasty discus lariant to end it. This was a blast.
The Session Moth omes out and hands out beads to the male fans who then lift their shirts up for her. Okay, that's hilarious. The commentators are boozing it up and one is stoned. Jimmy Lloyd doesn't know what to do, so he gets a lapdance and kisses her. Orange Cassidy comes down. SM hits a blockbuster DDT. Facade shows up and hits Curt Stallion with a burning hammer. He's called a Comix Zone character by one commentator - who loves him some Genesis.Grado comes out and does spots with Swoggle. KIKUTARA IS OUT and works spots with the comedy guys. THE INVISIBLE MAN COMES DOWN AND RUNS WILD ON EVERYONE. Brian Idol runs wild until Chris Dickinson comes out to Real American and smoking. He puts the cig out on Gage's face. BIG BOOT AND LEGDROP HITS GRADO! Grado is out!
DAN SEVERN COMES OUT TO THE ORIGINAL UFC THEME! The owner of Beyond says that if anyone ever no-shows, he'll just text Dan and he'll drive anywhere as long as it's within 10 hours. Funches ask if he's just sweating already or if he's shirt is pre-soaked. ALABAMA DOINK IS HERE. He trades shots with Devern while Funches says that the difference between Doink and Alabama Doink is Alabama Doink sleeps with his cousin. Severn chops him and dumps him out. Then Dickinson tosses him.
RSP is out followed by Marcus Crane. Crazy Boy and Aero Boy are out. They gang up on Dickinson and pin him. Rory Gulak comes out to Drew's theme and has a NO CLUSTERFUCKS sign. Nate Webb is out and slaps hands in the crowd...and on chairs in the crowd and then he goes to top of the building. One talks about having a great night out with Jeff Hardy, which is a bit distressing. Rory is taken out by the SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE driver by Nate Webb. Ethan Page is out, and lands a superkick. They bury GoFightLive for taking a decade to figure out to how stream iPPVs.
They bury generic entrance music, and MJF is out. He was trained by Hawkins and both DTU guys get taken out at once. MJF codebreakers Ethan and Webb is pinned by Page. Martina comes back and pulls a used condom out of her crotch ala Socko. CONDOM CLAW TO PAGE. MJF goes for a vaginal claw, but she breaks his hand and Page cradles her to eliminate her. Orange Cassidy cames out with some super soft-style strikes. Even Miz could tell him to lay it in a bit, and it's great.
A holy shit chant erupts from light taps. He wants a double chokeslam, but they kick his ass. He rolls through and DOUBLE ORANGE JUICE MISTS THEM. DOUBLE CHOKESLAM HITS! He's called a cumlord, and Funches is baffled by it too. Laziest headbutt off the top misses and ends it for him. THE INVISIBLE MAN KICKS ASS! DOUBLE INVISIBLE CLOTHESLINE! Jimmy Lloyd piledrivers the Invisible Man and GETS DQED! MJF and Page beat up the ref. Mikey Whipwreck is out! They bury him for not looking the same and Funches says it's the Uncle Fester version. RANA BY MIKEY! MJF elbows him and says ECW is dead. Mikey gets a low-rise jeans Whippersnapper. Nate Webb gets a face jam to take out Page. MJF counters the super-Whippersnapper and splashes him to take him out. Webb gets low-bridged and MJF seemingly wins! THE INVISIBLE MAN SCHOOLBOYS HIM AND WINS THE CLUSTERFUCK!
Joey Janela comes out with Penelope Ford and a Baby Driver jacket before slapping Frank the Clown. Things get all weird and we come back mid-ring. They brawl and Sasuke misses a swanton and misses the swanton and crunches the ladder. FUCK! Everyong goes through doors and a billion chairs are used. FLIP SENTON OFF THE TOP MISSES AND HE HITS THE CHAIR. We get some brief wrestling moves before more crazy shit. Sasuke goes for a barrel roll swanton with a trash can, but gives up and just chucks the fucker at Janella before missing a swanton off the top to the floor - and the table doesn't break. Sasuke has lost two battles against furniture so far.
MICHINOKU DRIVER ON A SIDEWAYS LADDER GETS 2. Double stomp to the chest with a chair on him to end it! Now that was a fucking crazy show and a lot of fun. This show stood out big-time last year and remains one of the biggest highlights of Mania weekend. It feels a lot like those spring break Nitros, but with no filter, no censorship of any kind, and all the rough edges that were sanded off there fully intact. They need to book one of these just for shits and giggles at a venue with an indoor pool just to keep that vibe going.
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