The kickoff starts off with banter and a FANTASTIC Drew vs. Sheamus video that shows the story and doesn't just tell it - something this story has needed forever. Whole bunch of nothing. Ali vs. Riddle is up after Ali LOST CLEAN ON RAW. Somersault backstabber gets 2 for Ali. Ali whips off the ropes into an RNC, but escapes and gets the Koji Clutch. Super Bro Derek ends it. Mia Yim stands up to Ali and TOWERS over him before leaving. Slapjack leaves and then T-Bar and Mace double chokeslam/uranage Ali. Great Bryan-Reigns hype video.
Women's tag starts things off formally. EVERYONE IN THIS MATCH HATES THEIR PARTNER and Cole is going overboard with the EST bit. Nice department of tourism pitch by Cole there. All of WWE's hype just makes me not want to go see their shows live. Double-team wheelbarrow GTS by the faces and the crossface is on, but Nia saves. DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY ENDS IT because of course. They bitch and moan to each other ENDLESSLY.
E vs. Apollo starts off with the suicide spear and shit-talking before E hits the apron splash. ROLLING GERMANS BY APOLLO! Frog splash hits and gets 2 for Apollo. Cradle ends it? Maybe? ANGLE SLAM BY APOLLO. Apollo tells him it's not over. Joe Average gives Drew Gulak some Old Spice. This of course leads to a 24/7 skit with Tozawa calling out for Truth. Joe Average beats Truth and then Truth beats him. Shane brings Elias out to perform before letting him know that he's taking his place - THANKS BUDDY! Braun beats up everyone and powerslams Elias to win. Riddle-Ali recap. THE RETAINMENT!? Is that a word? Horrible Riddle-Nakamura skit with Nak leaving mid-goofiness.
Seth vs. Nakamura is up and in the tieup is already the best thing on the show. Irish whip gamenguri by Nak! THEN THINGS GRIND with Seth on offense. Triangle armbar leads to Seth getting to the ropes. Apron knee to the jaw by Nakamura. Corner dangling knee by Nak before Nak gets pulled off the top to the apron to the floor and eats a dive. Back and forth forearm exchange. Corner sliding German leads to a buckle bomb by Seth. Stomp misses into a Landslide for 2. Low-Ki boomerang kick by Seth! Stomp hits and ends it. This was...fine-ish at points.
Drew's in a Braveheart getup for this and they have a standard WWE weapons brawl. Drew tosses him around ringside and rakes at his face before throwing him through some blowy-up stuff. Drew throws him on a road crate to bring him to the ring and suplexes him on the floor again. Sheamus rakes the eyes and HE BROGUE KICKS HIM INTO THE VIRTUAL WWE UNIVERSE! Sheamus is LOOKING AT THE MANIA SIGN. Drew is doomed! White Noise off the barricade through the announce table. Future Shock onto piece of the announce table and the claymore ends it.
Alexa vs Orton hype video. Randy's out and spits up black goo. Lexi's out in white goth makeup and goofy theme mashups. Randy rushes in, but teleportation saves Lexi. Lexi looks up and a lighting rig almost falls on Randy. She tells him to be careful - the sky's falling and MARCHES AWAY. Okay that's great. She blows a kiss that turns into a fireball and Orton...kinda avoids it and she celebrates. A charred Fiend grabs Randy's foot and she dropkicks him into a Sister Abigail and straddles him to win. More WM sales pitch bullshit about going to FLORIDA of all places now.
Heyman on Talking Smack recap airs and he says that Bryan is hope - but he'll just catch an ass-whipping. ROMAN IS THE SUN THAT THE WWE UNIVERSE ORBITS. Cole says it's a five time World Champion vs. a five time World Champion. Bryan mocks him for almost getting caught on a single-leg and is so great as a cocky, smug prick who knows he's a better wrestler. Roman wants a test of strength and gets it - but Bryan escapes it with some European style and gets a rolling armbar. Roman snaps him down with a side headlock takeover.
Roman gets turned into a Policeman-style armbar before kneeing Bryan from a downed position. Dropkick OUTTANOWHERE by Bryan! Armpumphandle leads to a series of leg kicks by Bryan. Corner comeback by Bryan leads to a tilt a whirl by Roman for 2. Roman snap suplexes him over for 2. Yes Locks-aplenty, but the ref eats a knee. Edge comes in and counts 2 for Roman, but eats an accidental chairshot from Bryan. Another yes lock, but Edge chairshots Bryan, then Roman, then Bryan again for good measure and that's it. Roman retains.
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