Tuesday, August 16, 2016

WWE SmackDown 8-16-16

Orton signs his contract for Summerslam and Heath barges in with a basket "straight from the farmer's market". Bryan asks why it says "To Bob, our condolences" and he says they simply misspelled "boss". He offers Orton apple, he eats it, and has an idea. Heath is absolute gold and should remain unsigned forever so every show has at least one highlight. Time for MizTV...thank God for Heath. Dean's out first, followed by Dolph in blackish-grey jeans. Maryse's dress is astonishing. They yammer back and forth a bit before Dean drops truth bombs on Dolph about him burying himself under the pressure once again. Dolph talks about how Dean will try to bleed all over the place, but it won't be enough and then cheapshots him with a superkick. Heath faces Orton, and next, we get a giant wacky 8-man tag with the SD jobber tag teams and American Alpha.
The fucking state of this tag team division. Could they bring back Deuce and Domino to inject some star power into it or something? Bunch of nothing until a break. Jordan hits a slick belly to belly to English. FINALLY, something resembling excitement. Faces win with Grand Amplitude. Dean faces Rowan later, and Eva Marie re-re-re-re-re-re-re-debuts next. Naomi comes out in new glow in the dark gear to a remix of her theme. It works better for dancing, but isn't as good for entrance music. "EVA MARIE...HAS BEEN DELAYED DUE TO TRAFFIC. EVA MARIE APOLOGIZES!" Ha! WWE has good, new ideas - they are just literally all saved for preventing Eva Marie from wrestling on live TV.

And then things just go to JBL hyping up ADR vs. Cena with ADR beating Cena at HIAC for the US Title. AJ tells ADR he's jealous that he gets to see ADR beat up Cena tonight, and he first saw that on the WWE Network and then he was out for months! ADR tells him to stop living on the past, so AJ buries him and says he's in the main event at Summerslam, while ADR isn't even on the card. Ouch. CURT HAWKINS HYPE VIDEO is a thing that now exists. Well, he went from being in the GFW, to being on Impact, to being back in WWE - so I guess he failed upwards. Orton massacres Heath and hits a draping DDT on the floor. So I think Heath won via DQ. Orton Germans him and does the Brock hop. RKO hits. This was simple, but fun.

Bray and Rowan are backstage and Rowan twirls some red hair on his sheep mask. Okay then. Heath is backstage on the trainer's table and Shane and Bryan congratulate him on winning. Heath says that he showed Brock no mercy and Shane gives that name to the October PPV. Heath confuses them for the the Raw GM/commish, and they nix the contract. Boy what dicks! Wyatts are out so Rowan can face Dean. Rowan dominates with boring big guy offense. Rowan hits a spinkick that shocks JBL, even though he has like five moves and that's one of them. Dirty Deeds ends it. Bray grabs the sheep mask and leaves it on the rocking chair. Carmella and Becky face Alexa and Nattie next.

Heels are out with no intro, while Carmella gets a partial one. NO STEAM FOR BECKY!? Nattie By Nature lariat to Carmella. Becky comes in and runs wild with forearms and calf kicks. Traffic clears up and Eva comes down, but then Naomi chases her and Nattie gets a cradle, but the Disarmer ends it.After THAT OF ALL MATCHES, we get a plug for a documentary on the women's wrestling revolution in WWE. LO-Fucking-L.

Baron Corbin bullies Kalisto backstage. "Some people are just victims" could really do without the Heidrenrape camera angle. AJ comes out to do commentary. Cena is out, and then ADR. Not really much to this. I like ADR superkicking Cena in the gut when AJ distracts him. The flying rope thingy from ADR misses. Cena hits a slick dropkick off an ADR flying nothing. Armbar countered into the STF, but ADR gets the rope and superkicks the gut before a kneeling superkick gets 2. "A KICK TO THE FACE THAT RUNS THE PLACE!" Mauro rules. Armbar is on, but Cena is in a good position and hoists him up and then slams him down. AA ends it. AJ jumps him and says he's tired of hearing that the future goes through Cena and he'll make Cena's passion his prison. AJ rules. Cena recovers and AAs him mid-ring before setting up a double step ramp and AAing him through the announce table. Well, that should've been saved for the PPV.

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