Sunday, August 21, 2016

WWE Summerslam 2016

I love Booker T wearing a shirt that matches his Kickstart can. Sheamus vs. Cesaro has apparently been added to the pre-show - giving us three pre-show matches. Booker talks about how his best of seven years put him in the hunt years ago - so that's as close to a Benoit talk as we'll get ever. Jeri-KO mocks Tom/Steve and they apologize to him for calling him the wrong name and they won't let that happen to Phillip again. Jericho apologizes to Enzo for saying he can't be a certified G because he did that himself for the low low price of $89.99 and he has a certificate to prove it - but KO left it at catering. Jericho says you can teach that, but you can't teach chemistry. KO says that you totally can and he got a 96 in high school, while Jericho says that he got a 30. THESE TWO MUST TEAM FOREVER.

The first match is up with the SD team out for the 12-team match. There's a new PPV set here with LEDs all over the rampway and giant screens everywhere. BreeZango works wonderfully with this setup. Nothing happens before the break, where they plug 19 PPVs each year. New Backlash logo is good. LONG VIKTOR CHINLOCK after the break showcases his poor hairline.

YES JJ IS IN SUPLEXING FUCKERS AROUND. He catches Fandango off the top and holds him for an overhead belly to belly. Crazy. Superkick party to the Ascension leads to an Uso double dive. Grand Amplitude into a superfly dive wins for the faces. They teased a heel turn for the Usos by having them blind tag in and steal the pin.

The panel talks about the upcoming SD tag titles and Booker cares about the color scheme and weight. Ambrose-Dolph hype video shows Dean's rise from FCW to now. Him working out in a belly shirt is odd. Baron brags about taking Kalisto out and hoping that his wife can take care of him forever. Women's title hype leads to Sasha taking Twitter questions in red and white Big Red gum-colored gear. Raw team is up, with Byron in an amazing suit.
Dudleys tag is up, with Cole reminding us they've been back for almost a year - starting back the day after Summerslam. Boy has that been a waste of time for them at a stage when they cannot stand to lose time. Neville gets a mild reaction, Sami's is better. Basic tag match stuff to start until the break. After it, Bubba pulls Neville's tights too far to the side during a neckbreaker setup. Bubba accidentally lariats Devon, eats the yakuza kick, then a red arrow and it's over.

Balor hype video airs. Sheamus vs. Cesaro is up. LEDs are also on the post - didn't notice them until the flames for Sheamus on them. Neat look. "IT'S CESARO VS. CESARO" according to Cole. They go about their usual stuff. Stiff shots. Dropkicks. Nice Okada dropkick leads to a powerplex by Cesaro. Super white noise gets 2 for Sheamus. Big boot and a lariat get 2 for Cesaro. Cesaro goes from the post to the top rope for a crossbody for 2! Cesaro swings into a sharpshooter, but Sheamus gets the rope. Shemaus posts him, kicks him and wins. Orton-Brock hype video ends the pre-show. Some weird Hypnotoad invasion sound effect hits and it's time for the PPV. NYC hype video starts things off. LOL @ Punk eating an RKO being used in it.

 Enzo and Cass vs. JeriKO starts things off. Yankees overalls getup for Enzo! Enzo dedicates the match to everyone trying to feed their families. Enzo hypes up Sinatra and his love for NYC before Cass sings very badly. Enzo quotes Biggie Smalls with mo money, more problems and JeriKO has BIG PROBLEMS CUZ THEY BIG CHECKS! Heels jump Enzo to start. Cass comes in and punches KO in the corner. KO mocks Enzo for being LIGHTSABER WHATEVER! Jericho gets a chinlock and an "ask him!" KO frog splash gets 2, but the cannonball misses! Cass tags in and hits the elbow. Flying DDT from Enzo is now the DDG and gets 2. Owens tosses Enzo into a codebreaker that ends it.

Backstage, Bryan and Shane meet Mick, who is wearing a wacky silver shirt. Jon Stewart and his kid are here. Jon goes off on Steph, so she should show up any second now. And yup, wow is she tall next to him. Steph's back to being a heel here. And for some reason, here's New Day playing a trumpet. Sasha vs. Charlotte is up next.
Cole hypes up that Charlotte has the best record in WWE history for their first 15 PPVs. Um...Hogan? Sasha's Tanahasih-esque ring jacket is outstanding. Back and forth tieups lead to a running rana by Banks. Charlotte chokes her up top before doing something like a backbreaker to the top rope, but then Sasha lands RIGHT ON HER HEAD.
Charlotte works over the back. Charlotte powerslams her into the buckle. Charlotte goes for a super splash mountain, but Sasha does the old Kid Kash rana out of it! Sasha slaps away before doing a weird Boston Crab on the ropes. Double knees to the back. Bank statement is on, but Charlotte gets the ropes. Chop block to the front of the knee leads to Natural Selection for 2 and some smack talking. Bank statement off a tilt a whirl, leads to a cradle and Charlotte wins with a cradle!? Weird. Doctor Ball comedy with the Club saying Summerslam is nuts. I like Karl and Doc having matching beards. Recap of MizTV, which I have no memory of.
IC Title history at Summerslam only reminds me of how much this title has fallen. JBL talks about Crews's coach calling him Uhaa Nation because he was a strong as a nation. Nice enzuiguri gets 2. Sloppy cradle gets 2 for Apollo. Stinger splash misses and the Finale hits for the win. Well, that was a match.
Cena vs. AJ is up next - amazing to see Cena so early in the card. Nice pop for AJ and a big JOHN CENA SUCKS chant breaks out. Yellow Cena on the tron is weird. AJ is hyped as a former IWGP and NWA Champion - so they are at least bringing up that part of his history without mentioning "TNA". AJ gets a dropkick, but eats a punch. Cena is now a punch/kick wrestler...and his PUNCHES AND KICKS SUCK! AA on the apron is teased, but a suplex from AJ onto it is delivered instead. GORGEOUS bump off by AJ off a backdrop by Cena and it gets 2.

Cena hits a wonky dropkick for 2. Snap suplex by Cena. AJ steamrolls him with a KENTA combo. Protobomb leads to the fistdrop, but the AA is countered and the Clash gets 2. AA hits for 2.5, but a super AA leads to a towerhacker bomb for 2. Cena catapults him into the buckle and gets kind of a big ending for 2. AA ON THE KNEE BY AJ GETS 2! Mauro says AJ learned it Japan from Hirooki Goto. Springboard 450 misses and a Code Red gets 2. AJ hits a German into a facebuster for 2. Springboard forearm turned into the STF that AJ turns into a crossface. AJ turns an AA into the calf killer that Cena turns into another STF. AJ gets an enzuigiri for 2. Cena gets 2 off a tornado DDT. Super famouser gets 2!
 AJ avoids a super AA and gets a triangle springboard super rana instead! Phenomenal Forearms gets 2! Cena hoists him for an AA, but gets elbowed to the head and kicked to the leg. Cena lands a lariat. AVALANCHE AA HITS FOR 2.9! Cena is just gobsmacked - it's like Warrior at WM VII. Cena goes for an AA, but AJ turns it into a Clash that...Cena sells for a second before standing up for the P1 forearm for the win. Great finish - but Cena should've sold longer for that. AJ fighting to win from behind at the end is a great moment for a character babyface turn down the line. This would've been a fine retirement match for Cena at a WrestleMania honestly, just amazing. It feels like this was Cena's swansong and him leaving his armband mid-ring adds to that.

Cricket wireless thing with fans. Jon Stewart comes down and says that was a classic, and he's glad some idiot didn't ruin it hitting one of them with a chair. He yammers on for eons before joining the New Day and wearing a dildo hat. He brings out the New Day and does their intro with the fans. Club comes out in their stupid doctor getup that destroys their credibility - while the jars of ruin piss all over it.

Not really much to the match - although it is the best Woods has looked yet in the ring. Gorgeous springboard ropewalk elbow by Woods gets 2. Magic Killer hits, but Jon comes in and tries to too sweet him. Anderson hits a spinebuster while Cole says that was made famous by another Anderson. Club teases ringpostitis on him, but Big E returns for a DQ. E grabs the lemonade in the jars and spits out out. Okay then.


Dolph vs. Dean hype video leads to the SD authority figures coming out. Dolph debuts new slick-looking silver, black, and white gear that works for him. JBL - "The difference between these guys and McGregor is that they aren't fun sized!" Oh fuck off, Vince. Cruiserweight division is doomed with that mindset. Stinger splash on the buckle leads to Dean going out to avoid a neckbreaker, then eating a Stinger splash on the barricade and a neckbreaker on the floor. Dean dives off and eats a dropkick. Dean sets up SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO BOOS and goes for Dirty Deeds, but it's countered.

Dolph hits the jumping DDT. Famouser gets 2. Double-down off a double lariat leads to a flying standing elbow from Dean for 2. Dean does some showoff stuff, but eats a sleeper. Zig Zag gets 2.5! Dolph grounds him and lands some elbows - I like it, it's new and ferocious. Nigel lariat hits and Dean takes his time to stand up and goes up, but gets crotched. He avoids a superplex and lands some headbutts before going to the mat and winning with the Dirty Deeds. Good match, but it never really got amazing.

WWE WEEK IN NYC IS AMAZING, SO AMAZING. NXT Takeover hype video - there we go. Steph of course talks about how amazing it is to do all the charity work. Women's six-person tag is up in the death slot. Carmella comes out in pants and not booty shorts. BOO! EVA MARIE GETS AN INTRO! Eva will be recovering from exhaustion for one month, and her replacement is Nikki Bella. She gets a huge face pop and is put over as a babyface for making a miraculous recovery. Sloppy matwork to start by Alexa and Becky. Becky's got a swimsuit on for her gear with pants over it. That's pretty slick.

Naomi gets a run-up sunset flip on Nattie for 2 and then rubs her asshole in Nattie's face. Serious women's division and all. Carmella does a wacky headscissors. Nikki is looking good here, relatively speaking. Nice abdominal stretch spot. Becky and Nattie go at it and the Bexploder gets 2. Naomi's super-fake glow time kicks hit Alexa and a split legged moonsault kinda hits. Carmella comes in and superkicks Nikki. Bronco buster misses completely but still gets 2. Misawa forearm hits and she she wins with the TKO - which is a lot safer for her than the Rack Attack.

Roman vs. Rusev is the semi-main event. Maria Longname interviews Rusev and Lana, in her formal wedding lingerie. Wow, so it's not. Finn vs. Seth is going on first, putting the US Title above the Universal very odd. Universal Title is a red and black WWE Title, while Seth has new black and neon yellow gear. The Demon King intro with the LED ramp is incredible.

Seth eats a shotgun kick, but avoids the stomp, but eats a flip dive. Seth gets a barricade bomb, flying knee, and high fly flow for 2. Rainmaker by Seth is countered with a knee for 2. 1916 gets 2 and Seth gets 2 off a God's Last Gift.Finn gets a shotgun kick on the floor, but eats a pedigree for 2. Another pedigree is countered and Finn hits a double stomp, two shotgun kicks and wins with the coup de grace. Great match and a fine celebration with Finn and his family.

Kickoff panel yammers about KFC and we get Colonel Ziggler vs. Miz from an SD taping. Thank God Dolph didn't win the title. Lana comes out and tells us to rise. Okay. For Rusev...well, he is great. Roman and Rusev brawl and brawl and brawl. Rusev is a complete dickhead and beats him with a chair before leaving and then spearing him.

Brock and Heyman come out before Orton debuts new black and gold gear. Brock tackles him in the corner and lands a pair of Germans. Knees in the corner lead to a third German! Brock takes him out and hits a running powerslam on the table. Brock hits an ugly biel out of the timekeeper's area through the table, and Orton goes through ass-first. Ouch, that was rough. More Germans - they're telling the same basic Brock-Cena story, but seem to be building up an Orton win outta nowhere. They go on an announce table, but Orton hits an RKO outta nowhere and smirks.

Draping DDT! RKO gets 2.5! Punt countered into the F5 - putting the slam in Summeslam according to Mauro, for 2.5. Brock takes the gloves off and lands some punches to the face. Elbows slice up Orton horribly. Now it's a mix of both the Extreme Rules 2012 match ant the Summerslam match. Brock's leg is now covered in Orton's blood. Crowd chants for Goldberg while Brock tosses docs aside and keeps attacking. "Who's gonna stop him!?" Doc calls the match and Brock wins by TKO - much like he did in his first matches in WWE.

Shane comes in, but Brock blocks his path to Orton. F5 TO SHANE! Heyman says no more. Brock leaves happy with his destruction. There was no Goldberg on here, but that was a hell of a scene. Kinda bullshit to have the final two matches go the way they did - although at least with the main event, they showed you that Brock did truly conquer Orton.

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