Sunday, March 5, 2017

WWE Fastlane 2017

Joe is asked questions in the lounge. Very stupid questions. TOZAWA wins the pre-show match and the KO-Goldberg hype video does an outstanding job of making that match seem like a big deal. Joe vs. Sami starts things off strong with a stiff encounter. Sami gets a chance to shine with his strikes, giving Joe natural chances to attack. Blue thunder gets 2, but a sunset bomb is avoided, leading to an STO and a chokeout.  Awesome showcase for Joe. RoboCharly chats with Bayley. Enzo and Cass come out. In-canon, Enzo is so annoying that even his best friend hated him when they first met because he was so annoying. Boy did the crowd die a death once Luke got on offense. Rocket launcher gets 2.5 thanks to a save, but Enzo eats the rocket kick and loses when Luke takes his foot off the rope. This sucked.

Mick chats with Stephanie via phone - she can cut balls off via satellite. She buries the plane crew for not fixing the plane. Nia vs. Sasha is up...nah. Zelda on the Switch beckons! Sasha's never been able to beat I guess the Survivor Series tapout never happened. Sasha gets a front choke, but Nia overpowers her. Sasha gets the crossface, but eats a Samoan drop. Nia gets an O'Connor roll and wins with a bridge.

Jinder and Rusev bicker earlier. Sweet Christ, Jinder looks even more jacked than he did on Raw. They brawl and Cesaro comes out in a new gold jacket. Cesaro wins after a thousand centuries. Rusev kicks the shit out of Jinder afterwards. Big Show comes out. A long, endless boring match goes on. Show hits three chokeslams and debuts a stinkface-positioned KO punch to win. KO chats with RoboCharly.

Cruiserweight title time. Can't wait for Jack's WM intro - him coming to the ring in a giant motorized tea cup. They almost got the crowd back, but Neville hit the Red Arrow to counter Gallagher's superplex attempt. Heyman says that no matter who wins tonight, Brock wins. New Day is out with an ice cream bike. Well, I guess now they can put the little ice cream bike in their action figures now.

Roman vs. Braun is up. Lots of clubbing. Big NERVE HOLD by Braun. Gotta be shitting me. Nerve hold. Then a double chinlock. NOW A CHINLOCK. Roman is tossed and then put through an announce table. SPEAR GETS 2. Braun misses a flying splash and Roman spears him to win. Yikes. Mick tells Joe to not show up tonight in the main event. Women's title match is up. Back and forth to start things off. Tons of mocking by Charlotte.  Moonsault gets 2 for Charlotte. Super rana leads to the Macho elbow. Charlotte kicks the knee and a Natural Selection gets 2. One fan claps. Moonsault attempt, but Sasha nixes that and gets a wedgie. Belly to Bayley on the floor and another one gets the they ended THE CHARLOTTE STREAK ON FASTLANE!?
Raw recap leads to Owens-Goldberg. KO stalls on the floor for a while. The match hasn't started. Jericho comes down and distracts, the bell rings, he eats a spear and a jackhammer. I actually missed the spear due to the Network having issues, but the main event of WM was made official - Goldberg vs. Lesnar will be for the title.

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