Sunday, August 23, 2015

WWE Summerslam 2015 - Live From Brooklyn

Kickoff has a fun skit with Jon Stewart and Cena and some generic talking amid an awesome Taker-Brock video. They show the most pandering Cena in NYC video humanly possible to TRY and get him cheered. HHH and Steph are now, in storyline, the parental figures Seth whose approval Seth needs to be validated. Because of course they are. We see Stephanie brag about how WWE is all about NYC and how good a company they are and get some charity stuff. DON'T FORGET HOW AMAZING WWE IS AND DON'T FORGET TO BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING WWE DOES FOR YOU! Then Owens-Cesaro got hyped with a great bit where Booker says it could go anywhere, so Owens was pissed and says YOU DIG THAT!?
Divas "revolution" video airs. This horrendous video is everything wrong with the "revolution". Renee say that if we're lucky, we'll hear from Stephanie soon. YES PLEASE WE NEED TO HEAR MORE FROM OUR LORD STEPHANIE MCMAHON! Sheamus vs. Orton stuff is hyped up and we get a Sheamus promo. Then, Steph talks about how SHE brought all of these divas to Raw and it's led to a revolution. Steph says that to the winner goes the spoils. So the implication is the winner gets a title then Nikki gets to avoid a defense by winning, right? Ungodly bad promo with Neville and Amell. Neville tries to keep kayfabe and then Amell kills it before Neville kills it more. A HUNDRED POUNDS SHORTER THAN ANYONE IN HIS WEIGHT CLASS!? The pre-show ends with a great video on the Taker-Brock match.

Stewart looks like he just rolled out of bed after binging on early '80s mid-card yelling promos. The WWE Performers are here to respect their audience! So then Taker is just another actor then. Great. Did they give this show a 4 hour window so Mick could take 1 to come down? Mick's out in sweats and actually moving reasonably well. Could they please just show Liger-Breeze instead of this horrid skit? That actually got a show starting off on a fun note. THIS! SKIT SUCKS! They talk about Taker-Foley in the cell. Boy, just imagine how horrible Taker-Mankind would've been if JR said that "this is a great performance!" And then this just ended.


The opening video was beautiful, but focused on just telling "the stories". Orton vs. Sheamus is the opener - so maybe Sheamus is winning the title to close the show. Sheamus takes a break from fighting to tell the fans they look stupid. He eats a back suplex on the table for that. Sheamus takes him down and gets 2 off a flying knee. HOW YOU DOIN!? So Enzo will be brought to Raw to job to Sheamus in a squash. Ole chants - thank God Sami's hurt. Exploder over the top! Wow - crazy bump there. Sheamus busts out the Edgecutator, called the cloverleaf. Outside-in shoulderblock leads to an RKO, but he goes to the floor. Brogue kick hits into the corner and he nails a second one for the win!

DraftKings is The OFFICIAL DAILY FANTASY DRAFT GAME SPONSOR of WWE. Horrendous fan video here. NEW! DAY ROCKS! Especially in their new white and gold gear. New Day tries to pin one another, and the Lucha Dragons do a one on the other monkey flip splash for 2. Big E KILLS DY with a splash to the back on the apron. DY's offense is a bad idea even in theory - chopping Big E's titties is like hitting a fat guy in the gut. CHIN-LOCKS-ROCK for Kofi and Titus tosses fuckers! Xavier celebrates beating up a dwarf bull like he won a title - love it. E spears DY out of the ring! NEW CHAMPS OFF A Clash and a kick! I've got to give Big E Alex Wright's dance moves in NM. Oh my God he's great! More wackiness with Stewart - now with The Arrows.

Rusev vs. Dolph recap sets upt he match and Lana has a new look - a bra with a small faded denim skirt and jacket. Lana now looks like mall trash. JBL buries Dolph for being small, leading to Cole burying JBL for losing a ton to Rey and being a former WWE and World champ. Well, returning to WWE wouldn't be the worst thing for Rey now. Slick press slam from Rusev into a DDT counter by Dolph gets 2. Buffering. Saito suplex from Rusev leads to a somersault senton for 2 from Rusev! Sleeper locked in on Rusev, but he gets the ropes and...the ref doesn't break. Rusev flapjack leads to the superkick. Accolade is interrupted by Lana distracting him by attacking HOT SUMMER.  Superkick sends Rusev into the table, but we they both get counted out. Well, that sucked. Between Summer in the dress and Lana in Dolph's getup, the women's revolution appears to have exploded in both an '80s boardroom and low-rent strip mall.

Wacky comic ad for the Arrow tag. Just what Barrett needed - gear that makes him look like Meat. Neville's got new maroon and black gear while Amell's in a black leather hoodie and black shorts. Within a couple of minutes, we already get the Amell-Stardust confrontation. Amell got an enzuiguri and Neville ran wild. Amell does a crossbody onto the pile off the top and the Red Arrow hits Barrett to...get a win that isn't very satisfying. Good showing for Amell though. Summerslam week video airs again.

This should feel really fresh - SHOW HAS NEW VERTICAL RED STRIPES ON HIS GEAR! Got some Network issues. The ice age took less time than Show did to move for a flying elbow. Shellshock on Show leads to the Finale on Ryback for a pair of 2s! Show KOs Miz and Ryback takes him out to steal the pin. Well, this was short and good-ish I guess. Heyman and Stewart have a meeting of the Hebrew minds...and more buffering. Stewart takes offense for fans for the streak ending, so Heyman sings his Brock song again and rants to an off-screen Beast.

 Computer crash nixes things for a bit. Wyatts run wild, but the Shield gets some highlights with a diving elbow off the barricade by Dean. DOOMSDAY DEVICE WITH THE FLYING ELBOW and the DOUBLE POWERBOMB hit. Dirty Deeds hits and THE BIG DAWG comes in to boos and gets the win. Cena-Rollins is up, so Owens-Cesaro is in the death slot. Cena comes out to boos - DIDN'T THEY HEAR HOW MUCH HE LOVED NY earlier? Seth's out in white and gold looking like Mistico.
The web crashes because it's Comcastic. Chinlock when it comes back. Cena eats a buckle and a blockbuster. YOU CAN'T SEE ME WARRIOR'S WAY GETS 2! AA gets 2, shockingly. AA flipout is telegraphed with Seth putting his arm behind Cena's neck to lift off it. Tana-style frog splash by Eddie hits and then Cena gets hit with the AA AFTER A HOIST UP FOR 2. Cena avoids the Phoenix splash and gets the STF. Cena gets the figure 4, but it's reversed. FALCON ARROW BY SETH FOR 2. AA hits but the ref's out. KNEE TO THE NOSE! And then Jon Stewart comes in to hit Cena with a chair setting up a pedigree on it for the win. STUPID FINISH.

Network hype video reveals the Brock MSG show will be on the Network, as expected. STEPH IS AMAZING and oh yeah some chicks video package. PCB graphic is nearly impossible to read. They talk about the revolution - Paige couldn't do it, but THANKS TO STEPHANIE MCMAHON things got done right. Buffering issues after a JBL-Cole argument...I'm fine with that. Double dive from Naomi and Sasha sorta hits for Sasha. Double dive from the Bellas is the new twin magic apparently. Somersault senton off the top to the pile from Paige. More Network issues. Team BAD is gone and Paige is being attacked by Alicia. She gets a hot tag to Charlotte. Becky beats Brie with...the bumphandle? Well that fell flat. Pumphandle uranage is a finisher now? Wouldn't you at least finish ONE match with that before using it as a finish on a big show?
Cesaro comes down after some awful MTN Dew product placement. Cole says he sips his so he, unlike Booker, won't have to leave. That happened FOUR YEARS AGO for goodness sake. Owens-Balor ladder match recap. They had a good SmackDown match for a while. Hercules cutter by Owens hits for 2. DELAYED super gutwrench hits for 2. Super corkscrew fisherman buster off the top and the powerbomb hit for the win.


Brock-Taker hype vid airs and Brock is out first. Taker gets a big light show for his intro. Brock jumps Taker, who fights back and sends Brock ass over teakettle with a lariat. Brock gets a takedown, but Taker fights back with rabbit punches off his back. Taker gets sent to Suplex City via a belly to belly. GERMAN WITH A FLIP. SUPLEX CITY BITCH! Taker ducks down to send Brock into the buckle to avoid another one. Taker hits the apron legdrop - this is so much better than their WM match.

ANOTHER GERMAN TO TAKER. THEN ANOTHER! Fucking hell - F5 THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Brock tells him he'll kill him and Taker repeats the "you'll have to" line, kicks him, chokeslams him, but only gets 2 off the tombstone! BROCK SITS UP AND LAUGHS, SO DOES TAKER! Punchfest! This is amazing! Corner Kimura leads to a Last Ride for 2! Second F5 HITS FOR 2. Third F5 hits, but it doesn't get the win this time!
Hell's Gate is on, but Brock gets the Kimura out of it. A 1 count is tolled and THE BELL RINGS! Lil Naitch is pissed, but distracted and Taker gets a low blow and the Hell's Gate! Brock laughs, flips him off, but Brock passes out! It's over, and they had a fantastic match here. Wow. In a great bit, they replay the finish and then Taker tapping, so Heyman rings the bell a ton and declares Brock the winner.

Kickoff screens -