Monday, August 31, 2015

WWE Raw 8-31-15

The hilarious Seth-HHH video led to Sting's return to Raw. He cut a promo about how he...respects HHH for shaking his hand, how he was beaten by HHH, and how Seth isn't half the man HHH is. Boy does this make the champ look great! Then Steph and Seth have a chat, where Steph confirms that Seth isn't half the man HHH is. This was an abject failure on every front. They made the champion out to be a complete loser, while Sting just put HHH over like he was a sad ex-high school boyfriend.

Dolph's out for another Rusev match. They "tell the story" of this feud, and it's pretty boring to hear about. Rusev lays him out for an ad break before Dolph gets a comeback minutes into the post-break portion. RUSEV HOP! RUSEV CRUSH TEETH! Spinkick only gets 2 , sadly. They tease another double countout, but Dolph comes in at the last second. Summer breaks up a Zig Zag cover, and we get a nice upskirt of Lana.

Dolph chatted with Renee, who ran down the card while Summer "snuck into" the shower. The beat the clock thing is just PCB vs. Team Bellas. This beat the clock thing is completely unfair to Team BAD. Nikki's saying words. THE BELLA TRON is a .0001 on the Honk-o-meter. Becky cut a promo on Foxy implying the word bitch. Wowzers. After 3 minutes of nothing, Foxy taps the disarmer. This thing is like when they did the 3 minute warning deal and everyone joked that it would at least give guys 3 minute matches instead of 1.

Fat Michael Clone interviewed Ryback. Boy howdy, let's follow up this Becky-Fox match with Ryback vs. Big Show and then Summer ran out of Dolph's locker room while Dolph covered himself up with a towel. And then Cole just moved on. Just keep in mind that this whole Summer-Dolph thing has been blatantly obvious and is WWE's idea of subtle since they didn't call attention to it at first. Show's out, then Rybck. CAN RYBACK RETAIN, OR CAN BIG SHOW WIN...who could care? I doubt either of the guys involved in this do, so why should I?

Dudleys clips from SD. SMACKDOWN GETS BROUGHT UP AND SHOWN ON RAW. #SDRevolution After several boring minutes, Byron says that Ryback has a swollen knee still. He's got a lot of swollen things. They kick out of finishers while Miz rambles on a bit. Show counters the lariat with a spear for 2. This is a fun by-the-numbers video game match - not a great TV match though. Miz distracts for a second and Ryback gets a second Shellshock for a win. Okay then.

#loldivasrevolution continues with Brie against Charlotte. Charlotte cheapens some of her dads promos with a horrid impression. Charlotte wins with 1:41 left. Cole talks about Paige for a second before hyping up last week and the return of THE DUDLEYS! Bubba says they're now nine time champs looking for 10. WWE, like Hogan, doesn't care about the Dudleys and their fake, kayfabe title reigns. Cesaro-Owens is up next with no build.

They have a good little match. Big running uppercut on the floor sends Owens down. Hercules cutter gets 2 and an ad break for Owens. They have an excellent post-break exchange with uppercuts and punches. A rib shot into the announce table hurts Cesaro, who falls to the pop-up powerbomb.

I think we've missed several parts of this Lana-Dolph story, as Lana is now angry at Dolph for being victimized by Summer due to her sneaking into his shower. Braun cut a promo with Bray and looked creepy and yet funny too. He sold random body parts as Dean punches his jaw, and Roman's punch gave him a DQ win. Paige couldn't beat Sasha, who has IT in spades. She got the Rampaige, but Naomi and Tamina pulled her out. This wasn't a DQ for some reason. This revolution is so dead.

After the break, we hear from Renee, who talks to Lana about a Summer interview during the break that we haven't seen yet. OF COURSE. She rambles on about bullshit and says he doesn't have tanlines, even though we saw he does. Anyway, IT'S TIME FOR NEW DAY! CLAP NATION, PIPE DOWN FOR YA BOY! New Day talked about the greatness of tables - for meals, for pool, and for THE ELEMENTS. New Day has turned math and chemistry babyface! Can they please mute D-Young's mic? Can I spend $15.00 a month on the Network to make that happen? The state of this commentary is more dreadful than usual, and it's drowning out Xavier's rantings! Dudleys win a fun match, outside of the commentary, with a 3D. So SD is back to not counting, as JBL called this their first match back.

Cole recaps the Sting-Seth deal, which sounds basically like a kid asking daddy to get his Frisbee off the mean old neighbor's roof - only it's the WWE CHAMPION for fuck's sake. MizTV has Lana and Dolph. Lana and Dolph on MizTV - another reason to not watch SD, which I haven't done in a month. Seth says he had no issue with Sting until last week. Why wouldn't Seth have a problem with Sting? Sting is the guy who DESTROYED THE AUTHORITY A YEAR AGO.YES, time for Steph to re-cut his balls off! Mommy orders Seth to stop talking bad about Daddy. He works hard and it's ONLY DUE TO HIS HARD WORK THAT YOU HAVE ANYTHING.

Cena comes down and says Seth's talented, but conceited and AN IDIOT. Why is Cena seemingly siding with the lead heel faction here? He's ranting about how they're not Seth's friends, and Cena says that the Authority says that EVERY TITLE is on the line and he has a US Title rematch. So I hope what they do is start the show with Cena-Seth, or maybe put it in the middle, and then actually put the Sting match in the main event. Steph reluctantly makes the match. And then Sting comes down as Cena is on the ramp.

Screens -

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