Sunday, February 12, 2017

WWE Elimination Chamber 2017

Booker, Carmella, Renee, and Sam Roberts are on the panel. A nice piano intros begins the show itself. The all-new chamber looks like a giant black Cell in a chamber-ish shape. Becky comes out first to face Mickie. Super-long tieup spot to start. Otunga goes on about how Mickie has been off for seven years while JBL says no, she's actually been wrestling elsewhere. Flying seated senton gets 2 for Mickie. Her arm gets sliced up somehow and gets cradled to lose. Okay match, but nothing amazing.
Carmella and Ellsworth are in the skybox and I think she's a heel again now. She's not impressed by Becky and he agrees. Crews is out for his 2 ON 1 HANDICAP MATCH AGAINST THE HEEL. Dolph beats Kalisto's ass and tosses him into the LED boards smashing them. Good on Dolph for beating up that lucha stripper-themed bully. It's just Crews vs. Dolph, and Crews at least has slick new yellow, blue, and black gear. Dolph is rightfully cheered wildly - so this was a heck of a heel turn. After several minutes of boring action, Kalisto sadly returns. He destroys Dolph with flippy things, brings in Crews, and they win with the atomic powerbomb. The two faces (barely) managed to beat the one heel. Yay? Dolph kicks their asses in the post-match - SO WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH THE MATCH THEN? The loss is negated by the post-match ass-kicking. Why not just save everyone time and just have Dolph beat everyone's asses with a chair?

Nice of Raw to get ad time on an SD show while Raw is FIGHTING FOR ITS VERY SURVIVAL AGAINST SMACKDOWN LIVE! Rhyno and Slater come out for tag turmoil. The Fashion Police are here! We get a rundown of the various foreign announcers to show that WWE IS A GLOBAL JUGGERNAUT. Extended Aloha Arn spot for a sunset flip! I love Fandango. He eats a gore and loses. Vaudevillains come out. And they're gone. Usos are out. Fat Uso beats Slater before AA comes out - and I could see them losing since the Usos have lost literally every match against them to date. Usos lose to a victory roll and kick the faces' asses - so just like THE LAST FUCKING MATCH. Ascension has a new look. "Okay, we need to make them look like the LOD AND Luchasaurus!" AA wins this largely nothing of a match.
Nikki vs. Nattie is up. Nikki leads the revolution by shaking her ass and fake-flashing everyone. As ya do. Phoenix Suns-colored gear is right out of Cena's '02 local team playbook. Nikki goes for a shitty cross armbar. Long chinlocks here. Tons of "you can't see me" bits from Nattie. A few billion more. Awful spinebuster by Nikki. Nikki does the STF better than John. AFTER ALL THAT IT'S A DOUBLE COUNTOUT!? Are you fucking kidding me? Nikki spears her after eating a beating after the match. Carmella said the chicks had issues, Ellsworth repeated it. Riveting. Bray talks about the era of Wyatt and Harper vs. Orton is hyped up.
Randy does chinlocks. Poses. Back suplex on the table. Posing. Superkick party by Harper. RKO ends it. Wow was this nothing. Nattie and Nikki's ass crack brawl. Alexa faces Naomi in a very sloppy match. Dreaded...snapmare on the hair over the ropes. Snap DDT gets 2 for Bliss. Naomi hits the moonsault, it gets 2, Bliss cheats for 2, eats a sloppy moonsault and loses. Naomi wins the title during Black History Month. Because of course she does. Naomi is in tears over being SMACKDOWN LIVE WOMEN'S CHAMPION. Could they have come up with better names for these fucking titles? Everyone called them the Raw and SD belts eons ago to make things easily to follow - that didn't need to actually be done by WWE to make their braindead product easy to follow. Carmella insults interview robot and Ellsworth goes heel on her.

Chamber is up. It gets a video package and then we see the new chamber. It looks like the steel grating is gone. Dean gets a full intro, as does Baron. White and black gear on AJ tonight - he looks amazing. AJ dominates for a bit, but eats a code red for 2. The chamber now has NEW AND IMPROVED lighting stripes and a giant WWE logo when guys are chosen. Dean dives onto Cena from the pod to the flooring with the elbow.

DOUBLE GERMAN BY CENA! Bray is in.Cena and AJ fight on the new cage-esque walking area before AJ knocks him down and Cena just makes a thud. This new metallic surface doesn't sound nearly as devastating. Dean and AJ fight on top of a pod and smash each other into the pod. SUPER CHOKE TOSS SUPLEX BY BRAY TO AJ! STF to Baron, who then hits an END OF DAYS TO CENA! Miz is out, but won't come in and Dean uses this to cradle Baron and pin him. Baron tosses Dean through the pod to set up Baron and Dean in the IC Title scene. Miz pins Dean to keep that going. Slow motion Yes kicks to Bray and Cena. AA to Miz ends it for him.
A fan yells "DON'T KILL YOURSELF, CENA" as he climbs to the top of a pod and dives onto AJ and Bray. Abigail to Cena and he's out!Baisaku knee by AJ. LOL at AJ doing even more of KENTA's shit on the main roster. Foream is countered into Abigail for the win. Odd to have Bray win the title now, when he has no real momentum - but Bray went from literally nothing as Husky Harris to now a World Champion - so that's cool. I also love Bray beating the then-current champion in the match to make this a more credible win.

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