The show-opening vid focused a ton on the Vince-Heyman deal, with a bit of the Punk-Cena no. 1 contender's match thrown in. Vince came out doing the most animated crutch-walk in human history. He called Heyman the ultimate fighter, and he said he's been positioned on TV as weak and "the biggest puss in the universe", then attacked the old man with a crutch. The old man fight led to an ECW chant - that ruled. Vince hit Heyman and Brock came out to be Brock. THROW HIM OUT LIKE A SOFA, BROCK! HHH came out and took nine years to save his father in law from the guy who crippled him and snapped his own arm twice. HHH finally did something resembling running into Brock so he could be lifted into a Thesz press. Brock bled a ton by modern standards for this and I loved how sick his fireman's carry slam/F5 of HHH into the table was - he didn't take the time to carefully remove shit - HE JUST THREW HIM! HHH made the save with a chair - this was way more satisfying than their Summerslam match. Poor Ryback has to try and follow Vince, Heyman, HHH, and Brock.
They hyped up Tout and TOUTING IT OUT about Lesnar-HHH - loved King pointing to the wacky graphic. Dolph's Ryback's opponent in this nothing match. God, they both seem like just dudes right now. They did stuff, including the laziest Oklahoma Stampede ever, Ryback was called Goldberg by the fans, and they went to break. They came back to the middle of a giant stalling suplex - that ruled. After talking about Touting it out, they ran more Twitter crawls on the screen...and SD is somehow going to be more overbearing with this stuff. Ryback hit Big E with the meathook on the apron, then won after the Shell Shock. This was every match they've ever had and came off like a waste for Dolph, but Ryback needed a win...that somehow couldn't be gotten against anyone else. They just TO THE BACK'd this for a movie trailer. Punk came out for a promo...after the ad break. First, we have to see a recap of the Punk-Cena stuff from last week that they already recapped for the show-opening vid. Punk just rambled on forever to get to the point of his promo - himself. He's the best, greatest, and now God. He was great at playing Jesus, so why not? Him saying that he's done it all was a nice setup for a Taker match later, so we've got God vs. Satan. New HOF logo being used since they announced Trump for it earlier. Fine vid for him too. The new logo made me think that WWE's logo would look more modern with a blue and gold color scheme - it'd make the new WWE Title belt look better too. HENRY-KHALI IN A BATTLE OF LEVIATHANS IS UP NEXT.
Henry got less of a jobber intro than Khali. Cole talked like his WWE '13 counterpart and Henry kicked Khali's ass in a minute. THAT'S WHAT HE DO! JESUS ANOTHER TRAILER, now for Marine 3 - super-generic trailer, which is kind of fitting since both Miz and the guy he fought looked the same. And wouldn't ya know it, it's time for Miz TV with Alberto and the Real Americans (with JRPG theme music). God of War Ascension commercial is buys. Mr. Dongo has a new video. Still no debut date. Odd that only the host got an intro. Really made everyone else seem like a goober. Zeb cut a fine promo before Miz interrupted him and called him ZEBBIE. Kill this man, Zeb. Zeb talked about Mexicans taking medical services, jobs, and talked about it taking 10 years to become a citizen of Mexico, where you then won't even be able to own property. Alberto responded by telling him to shut up. This reminded me of the Nowinski-Steiner deal where the heel got to make great points and the face really didn't. Alberto was fine, but he wasn't given much material to work with. And Swagger said We the People. I'm not quite sure what this was - they're kind of all over the place with this. Zeb was against all foreigners on SD, but here, he's just against Mexicans, that country's practices, and ILLEGALS!
Old School Raw II is back next week. Zeb insulted Miz during WWE ACTIVE ON THE WWE APP, leading to a Swagger attack and match at some point. Hopefully it also takes him out of Main Event's color commentary position. Loved King fucking up "cajones" royally. Not digging Cesaro-Orton as a nothing match. Loved Cole hyping up Cesaro as being such a long-reigning US Champion - I hope next week's Raw allows for a WCW US-styled belt for him. HHH IS NOW PLAYING THE TWITTER GAME, HASHTAG RAW. OMG. Orton won in a few minutes with an RKO in mid-air. Fine finish. I wish it had gone longer, but I liked that they played this up as a big win for Orton. Bryan and Kane argued and made bets with each other. Bryan said he could beat the PTPs with a blindfold on, while Kane could beat them with one arm tied behind his back. Brickie came out to be really annoying. Bryan's WHAT, I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE! saved this. Cole shoe-horned a clip from the WM 21 parody of "A Few Good Men" that must have been bizarre for anyone who hadn't seen it. I can see kids asking who the Bashams and Orlando Jordan are. JBL's promo for this was really great though. This was all done to set up...Sheamus talking about the Oscars. What in the fuck!? This had better be better than Booker's At the Movies bit.
Miz-Swagger is up later, and they recapped the HHH-Brock deal and demanded more Touting. King talked about his girlfriend's five year old son sending out a Tout. Sheamus came out for his segment in a rather swank suit. Then he buried Wade for being in that movie. Oh fuck this. It's so stupid to even put the idea in fans' heads that WWE guys can't act...while pushing Miz in The Marine 3. YOU ARE IN FUCKING K-MART AND ACTION FIGURE ADS, WHAT GROUND DOES SHEAMUS HAVE TO STAND ON HERE!? Barrett came out to defend himself and say that he's in A MAJOR HOLLYWODO BLOCKBUSTER. Then Sheamus buried Wade's nose. Well, he at least looks like the badass they want you to think Sheamus is. Cole compared Sheamus to Ebert, which is wrong on so many levels. This was really annoying, but I'm glad the IC Title will be in another match at WM.
Fittingly, Cody's up next and he's going to face Truth. Sandow's out to do commentary, so I'm guessing it'll be the Rhodes Scholars against Team Black Guys at WM. I'd prefer RS-NAO, but whatever. Sandow was so tremendous on commentary, citing camera problems showing the mic attack and saying that Truth ASSAILED THE CASTLE THAT IS HIS BODY! Loved how Cody flew into the Little Jimmy. Truth appears to have even more tattoos now. They showed a Real Americans video on jobs. Bryan/Kane comedy match is up. Bryan and Kane being tied up and blindfolded adds a disturbing layer to their relationship. Loved Bryan bowing to the ref after accidentally nearly attacking him. The crowd yessed and nood based on how close he was to guys - this ruled, and then Cole messed up his WWE App plug. This was the best blindfold/arm tied match ever. I wonder if Kane coming from Hell to America makes him an immigrant. They showed clips of the Shield kicking ass on Raw to hype up their promo.
They replayed the show-opening brawl, complete with Cole talking about Vince being an underdog frustrated for years with Heyman. Vince, the world's richest, most arrogant underdog ever. The Shield came out and they...hyped up their theme song being available on iTunes. There are some acts you shouldn't do that with, and they're one of them. Ambrose ruled. Reigns I think just got done watching the Abrams UWF on ESPN Classic because he quoted the Billy Jack Haynes promo from its intro verbatim. Sheamus came out to accept their challenge, but he just served as a distraction so Orton could RKO Rollins. Odd - they're building up Sheamus for two feuds at WM, and he's serious in one and a joke in the other - making it hard to take him seriously at all. It's like TNA circa '07 with the tonal shift with him.
Miz-Swagger is up. They hyped up Old School Raw with Flair and Dusty clips and made fun of an old guy who dressed like a disco parody. Sadly, he wasn't portrayed by Glenn Gilberti, who'd be a fine manager for Fandango, who is going to need some help and Disco's a good promo and could help him find a niche in the midcard.They recapped the Shield bit. Swagger's punishment for being an idiot was getting a jobber intro. No theme plug for Swagger - BOO. I want to buy that theme. I like Miz's grey, white, and red gear - very easy to recreate in WWF No Mercy. Cole awkwardly plugged Zeb's Youtube channel by saying he's frightened by it because...he expresses his right to free speech. Miz's leg's...lightly grazed the ropes causing Miz to cry in agony in a way that would make RVD cringe. Swagger won. YAY GO SWAGS! This led to an absolutely terrible plug for Sonic food because Zeb's opinions made Cole hot and hungry...so they gave King, THE HEART ATTACK VICTIM, a bunch of fast food. I'm sure Sonic is going to be thrilled with that.
HHH Touted that the ASS KICKER'S BACK! It took 18 staples to close the wound on Brock's head, WHICH YOU CAN VIEW ON THE WWE APP! TOUTS FROM THE UNIVERSE! #guywithdogforthewin Cena buried Punk for saying Cena doesn't win the big one...after Cena himself said that and his angle over the past few months has been his shitty 2012 and then he cut a parody of what a good promo should be. Cena was really annoying here. Then they plugged Robot Combat League - I see no reason to watch this show.
They talked about electroshitty at WWE house shows, then showed 'Taker's Tout return. That was...kinda stupid to do if they're going to involve him in the finish here. Cole talking about how sometimes they overhype things, but THIS MATCH REALLY WAS A HUGE DEAL reminded me of Lance Russell doing that before the debut video of the New Generation. Loved Cena lifting up Punk during a triangle choke - shame Cole ruined it by calling Punk "Brock". I love how wacky the Tomb Raider commercial is, even though it doesn't seem to fit the serious tone of the game at all. Loved the sick look on Punk's face after Cena flew to the floor. Great Vise>STF chain sequence led to a nearfall. Cole talking about "THE STORY OF THE MATCH" and "AN EXHAUSTIVE PERFORMANCE" was annoying. Punk's got (dangerous) legs, and knows how to use them - didn't prevent Cena from ducking the high kick though.
This felt like a video game match at points with all the finisher counters. Cena changed his down and A groggy move from a DDT to the Batista bomb for a nearfall. Tremendous nearfall of the flying legdrop - easily the best one yet for that move. AA FT---NEARFALL! Holy shit. Great stuff here. Cena took a strange bump off the ringpost - he just kinda fell down off it. GTS hitting meant less due to the AA kickout since you could predict that it was Cena's turn to kick out of his finish. Cena's poor arm positioning killed the STF finish tease here. Punk broke out a piledriver for the first time in WWE and got a hell of a two count for it. Cena got a rana here...by powerbombing himself and won with the AA. Holy shit this ruled. Then Cole talked about how great it was in the most ham-fisted way possible. They hyped up Cena-Rock II with the new belt graphic and Rock tweeted for him to just bring it. Tremendous stuff here overall.
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