Thursday, March 28, 2013

TNA Impact 3-28-13

Pre-show vid hypes up it being OFN with TNA vs. the Aces - this feels like something that should be saved for a big show, instead of the monthly show they call big but don't really treat as big. Great vid of the Aces beatdown of the roster to hype it up, and a recap of the four way from last week. Hardy's out to start the show and good lord is he over. Huge HARDY chant to start. I love Tenay saying Hardy might challenge Taz. He said that he wasn't 100% last week and...isn't this week, so yeah, he was able to beat the top three guys hurt. Doesn't really make them look too good. Bully had enough of his blah blah blah. Love the fan in the Paparazzi Productions shirt when Bully came out. Anderson interrupted him in an annoying manner - I was hoping Bully would kill him with death for doing that. CHRIST ALMIGHTY HE JUST REFUSED TO SHUT UP. The calvalry four guys, including EY made the save. Kinda stupid to have the bikers run from the mentally challenged dude. This only took 10 minutes, but felt longer, and set up Anderson-Hardy. Yarg. They recapped the tag thing with Bad Influence last week with the Mexicans, and they're going to challenge BI because it's OFN. Great, now we're gonna get a Chavo promo.

They came out with matching gear while Kenely pondered just who they'd call out. ODELAY JONESBORO! Well, at least he didn't throw in VIVA LA RAZA. He did throw in "holmes" though, oh and this match is now a no. 1 contender's match. Jesus this promo was bad. Thank God Daniels and Kaz saved this by wearing wacky shirts UNDERNEATH THEIR OTHER SHIRTS. Keneley hilariously said THAT IF YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING DIXIE ON TWITTER, YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON ALL THE BIG NEWS! I like the Mexicans' bow and arrow from Hernandez leading to a rolling senton from Chavito. Daniels bashed his brains in on the steps. LOVED the double Air Mexico dive - makes Chavo look more agile than he is. Hernandez hit a tremendous double train wreck - one guy one each arm. Looked awesome. Mexicans had the win, but Chavo took nine hours to do it, so he got shoved, then Hernandez POUNCED KAZ OFF THE RAMP. Holy shit. Chavo won with the frog splash. This was a lot of fun and Hernandez as basically a video game character who does a whole bunch of cool shit that doesn't seem possible is great. They showed Taryn putting her top on for OFN. The trailer for Scary MoVie is worse than either Chavo or Anderson's promo.

They replayed Brooke firing Taryn as a ref and hiring her as a wrestler. This has really been shockingly well-built given that it's a women's angle and those seem secondary in WWE. Taryn's gear is basically a bikini - buys! Her entrance video actually calls her a hot mess. Taryn's tits bounced around while she said some words. Gail's theme rules, but my goodness is her tron about the most racist thing in the company in ages. I loved Gail saying that she won't fight her, but she'll let Tara do it - great way to get around giving Gail-Taryn away right now. Then Velvet came out to make it a holler holler tag match. Or not - they just brawled and no match happened. Taryn and Velvet is Team Cleavage.The hot brawl continued in the back, where the film filter really made hte hotness pop off the sreen even more. They hyped up the Gut Check for next week by making GC itself seem like a huge epic deal. Adam Pearce faces Magno next week. They've given that match more hype than WWE gives its main events on Raw. Magno's gear looks really awesome in HD. Sting yelled at an Atlas security guy, and they went to an ad for GI with the weird to see the Rock during an Impact show.

Hogan cut a promo with Hardy telling him he'll get a title shot in Corpus Cristi, which they already announced. Hardy gets to name his stip, but Hogan cut him off because Sting's music is playing. Christ, they've been feuding in some form since 1996. Sting called him out for OFN so they Hogan whined a bunch about stuff and blamed Sting instead of himself for decisions he made. Sting basically told him to fuck off, man up, and take responsibility for what he's done. Hogan told him to get out of HIS ring, and Sting told him MAKE ME...well, that's definitely a trump card now. Wow. They're theoretically building to Hogan-Sting AND Hogan-Bully in 2013 when Hogan can't work a thing called a match. Wonderful. This was really sad.

They recapped the two old guys arguing. Morgan showed up and slow-clapped Sting while in his Wal-Mart shirt and pants with...some sort of product in his hair making it look wacky. AJ vid played up him not getting a title shot until BFG 2013 more than usual. Storm came out, which reminded me that it's been a year since he was supposed to win the title again. God, it's a shame only one guy can win the gold at BFG between the two, because Storm should've been champ again by now. Loved Taz saying AJ might be at a bar, then Kenely saying it's a dry county, which will probably piss Storm off too. AJ was in the...not rafters, but THE CROWD sulking. Loved Storm saying that he's up for either drinking with AJ or kicking some ass - great stuff. AJ didn't come down, and just left him to get beaten by the Aces before EY saved him...That was an abrupt shift in tone, even with him in gear and not goofball shorts. Angle made the save for them, so they made a 3-way. Well, after two matches being teased and not delivered, this is good. Angle's new, super-generic singlet sucks. They recapped last week's Bully vids. Angle looks super-weird in that singlet and no knee pads. It was based on an early WWF one for him, but there's a reason they got changed a lot - this one looked bland. They did moves for a while before a break, but nothing big.

They came back to a hot crowd during a headlock. It was hilarious to hear Taz put over Garett's good looks, amazing toughness, and in-ring skills - it was like he was just rattling off stuff Eric was reciting. Doc was great hear with his fast shots to the gut and suplexes. Made me think he should be TV Champ instead of Devon since he can actually have exciting matches. All the heels came in and Angle did his Dusty spot of everyone walking in his moves. Loved Kenely's line about it being chain wrestling when Angle countered the chain with the ankle lock. Fun match but nothing amazing about it. Brisco beat Angle via some cheating - didn't really do much good for him though. Wes looked like a psychopath with the other guys. Good visual for him. Bully and Devon fired up Anderson, who bashed shit up with a hammer. So now he's a pastiche of Austin and HHH.

They recapped the X DIVISION EVOLUTION with the weight limit being back and 3-ways being mandatory. They're definitely making this the Kenny King division, so at least his gamble with ROH is starting to pay off. They hyped up the X division PPV and said that Sonjay will face Mason Andrews and Petey on Impact to determine who faces King on Impact. FINALLY, they said that the world title match would be on Impact in two weeks. They kept saying AT CORPUS CRISTI, and showed the taping dates, but never hyped up TITLE MATCH ON DATE X. I have no idea what kind of music they played for the Hardy-Bully hype vid, but it was bizarre. Kind of like stuff out of Patapon, but not quite as intense. After that, they recapped the earlier Aces/TNA brawl for the millionth time. Anderson came out with a water bottle to further the HHH deal. Seeing Anderson go in the ring wearing a commercially-made ACES AND 8S SUPPORT t-shirt that any fan could buy really made him look minor league. Adam Pearce looks like more of a star than him.

Loved the backdrop from Hardy into the ring from the ramp. They came back from a break and Tenay talked this up as being a PPV QUALITY MAIN EVENT because Hardy beat Anderson at BFG 2010 to win the title - so it's technically true, but not exactly up to snuff from a quality standpoint. They had a "they did moves" match with nothing really feeling too connected. Lots of use of one armbar from Anderson here led to Kenely calling him A GREAT COUNTER WRESTLER! Garett gave him HIS HAMMER, which Hardy hit him with and even after a hammer shot to the stomach and "stunning twisto", Anderson didn't go down. Well, at least they named the stunner Twist of Fate deal. Hardy got DQed due to holding the hammer, so Hardy got a chair and...did Poetry in Motion instead of beating the fuck out of him. Hardy brought out a chair and table, so it looks like Hardy-Bully will be a Full Metal Mayhem match. Taz brought up how weird it was that the Aces didn't come out, leading to Bully barely making a save for Anderson before Hardy dove off a ladder though a table with him. I guess he'd seen just about enough of the beating. Yup, TLC AND STAIRS so WWE can't get upset - Full Metal Mayhem.

Screens -

Hot mess indeed.

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