Monday, December 7, 2015

WWE Raw 12-7-15

The show starts with a generic intro and then a long League of Nations video. They now have a theme. Bully on them. It's a CAW Royal Theme for the World Champion's faction. The worst thing about this group is that it's clear Sheamus is retaining. So Roman fails. AGAIN. Sheamus yammers on. Wyatts come out. So we're getting this...why? And is Bray a face? If so, why? So now the Wyatts are aligned with the LON...again, WHY!? Dudleys and Dreamer come out. Rhyno is out in and pink gear being called the Gore Machine.

A 16 MAN FATAL FOUR WAY ELIMINATION MATCH. This is surely the cure to "Raw drags on too much".Dreamer beats Rowan after everyone does shit. Dreamer probably feels good to not be the only guy on the team to work in a T-shirt. Massive bald spot though. Cole goes nuts over ROMAN AND RHINO!? This is the state of "drama" in WWE. Bubba eats a Brogue kick to take the ECW guys out. WHY WOULDN'T YOU PIN DREAMER!? Byron says that Dean is a different piece of toast. Wow. ENGLAND'S PRIDE AND JOY WADE BARRETT. England is clearly in a state of deep depression. Alberto gets the armbar on Roman, but an Uso dives onto ADR. Roman spears Sheamus to further doom himself at the PPV. Flair and Charlotte will be on Miz TV. Yup. The cure for what ails the Divas Revolution is definitely more Miz TV.

Sheamus insults Renee, and we get a goofy Stardust deal. Jesus Christ can Stardust fuck off forever. Titus tells him to get laid...or rather, read and then get drunk off wine. Of course Vince would be the one person other than Cody Rhodes to like Stardust's act. Dolph vs. Summer is so nothing already. ANOTHER MATCH between them here. JBL references Gene Kiniski, who was old in 1983. Breeze is in the VIP area. Okay then. Owens faces Dolph in a match that acts as a backdrop to Tyler sipping a drink and JBL plugging Vader on the network .I'm begging for an "I AM SLEE-PY!" chant here. Owens wins with the pop-up powerbomb and then Dean just comes why even do a finish then? Dean tosses popcorn and soda on Owens. What a bully. So to recap Raw, the big angle for the IC Title involves soda and popcorn being thrown on someone.

They did this Superstars Exposed deal with Lana. How very odd to mention Lana's acting roles. Neville, who has an awesome new shirt, meets with Miz and is called an Elf on the Shelf. Donny from Donny meets with Miz and Neville. Well, this was bad, and then we got Team Bad doing UNITY! again and again. She Calls it the Rear View wins. New Day dances with them. So then New Day impersonated trees and cats. I cannot take my eyes off this balding ginger in the bright red shirt opposite the hard camera with no eyebrows.

Lucha Dragons vs. New Day has flipz. Usos beat up Xavier and the Dragons win via fluke rollup. Roman talks to Renee like an asshole. Flair dancing to Charlotte's theme is perhaps the best part of the show so far. Ric and Charlotte have matches Rolexes. Char-lotte. Is. Aw-ful. Here. Je-sus. Miz is amazing. So Paige comes out after pointing out that Charlotte was a coward and is...proven right...okay then. "HEY MORONS, DON'T BUY THE PPV ON PPV!" Ryback vs. Rusev is up next, and Tribute to the Troops is hyped.
Ryback hits Rusev with a plancha after they bury Rusev and Lana for being a couple. Ryback gets 2 off a dropkick. And now...two jobbers just in the ring and Swagger goes for his finish to "start" the match. Swagger is distracted by ADR, who is back with Zeb. Titus laments that Stardust's career has been killed since he became Stardust instead of just being Cody Rhodes. Swagger beats Stardust, and then ADR just chairshots Swagger to death - so why do the finish then? Great line from Titus about Byron - "Go to a tailor and get some better clothes". ADR beats up Stardust too. DREADED CHAIRS MATCH INCOMING! Zeb's all like "talk to the scooter, son!" and drives away from an angry Swagger. Awful Rosebush segment leads to Alberto being angry over people laughing at him due to Zeb's scooter. Alberto tells Zeb that he doesn't need him. Astonishing how Alberto gets bigger and more vascular each week. Roman - top babyface. Too stupid to make a foldable box.

Tommy Dreamer comes out for a singles match against Braun. Raw's roster is so thin that TOMMY DREAMER is working double duty. Team ECW faces the Wyatts at TLC in a table match. Strowman wins with the bearhug/choke thingy. Roman rambles a bit and talks about beating down Sheamus with "all the toys". Not weapons. Toys. Ugh. JBL's goofy term has festered. Quite the poor teaching getup for Sheamus here. He owned a suit last week, too. Roman is a cocky asshole to Sheamus. Roman jokes about Sheamus having tater tots for balls. Vince is obsessed with penises and testicles for SOME REASON. Roman calls him "tater tot" a billion times. Be a star, Roman. Roman takes nine years to remove every prop from the ring, seemingly just to be beaten down by the LON. Roman, whose WORLD TITLE REIGN LASTED FIVE MINUTES, calling someone else a footnote is amusing. Cole has some great insight. TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS ARE SYMBOLIC OF THE TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS PPV! AT 11:15, the show mercifully ended with Roman spearing him through a table.

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