It took half an hour for the pre-show to work, so...yeah. I missed WWE People saying WWE Words. Tamina has a Team BAD...clipboard? Banner maybe? Well, I got through 12 and and 11 of this Tamina and Co. doing bad 12 Days of Christmas comedy. Back to Observer Radio. Two dudes on the hard camera clapped for Becky, who is so doomed on the main roster. They do some arm-based stuff. Sasha jumps up and lands a face full of stuff to Becky, but eats kind of a flapjack. They do some nothing and we get an ad break. WWE Ride Along looks like it has the budget of literally a GoPro camera. Straightjacket camel clutch locked on by Sasha, in theory. Becky is being choked out by...I guess a ghost underneath her throat or something there. Becky gets the armbar, but Naomi cheats and Sasha wins with the backstabber and Bank Statement. #AskADR...so why did you leave AAA without doing "the time honored tradition"? Sheamus-Roman hype video. Oh yeah. Sheamus wore a suit for one show. That did a lot of good.
Nice of the League of Nations to rent out Stardust's room for this skit. Sheamus plugged the UFC show, and he says he'll defend his title in spectacular fashion too. They pushed Sheamus 5:15 hard in the video. This version of WWE feels like what Batman would be like if you just wrote Batman off, and had goofball Robin take over without any explanation and just expected everything to stay the same. Tag title ladder match starts. Woods buries Boston saying they aren't worth a good hair day. Kofi with bright blue and pink dealies in his hair amuses me. This promo can end any time though.
Goofy bit with everyone but the Usos on the floor and grabbing a ladder. Morons. Just DROP THE LADDER. Nope. They eat a dive. Woods calls himself a bard for helping out via trombone. Wacky Rey dive from Kalisto. Insane Sin Cara swanton over the top to the floor ON A LADDER. Fun bit with Kalisto climbing the ladder over E, so E lifts and Cara hops on until E presses Cara off and Kailisto dives on the Usos. Goofy tree of woe assalanche where an Uso smashed himself into the ladder. Xavier compares this match to a video game, which is fairly accurate. Crazy rana into the rana from Kalisto to Kofi. Damn. That would be a really fun video game spot. JAYSUS. Crazy SDS from Kalisto to an USO OFF THE LADDER THROUGH ANOTHER LADDER!
Uso dive off the top to the floor on a ladder onto E! Xavier points out that it's NO DQ and tosses and the trombone. Trombone! Vintage Konnan shoe-throwing! Ryback - hater of love, and workrate against Rusev is next. Network died right in the middle of King telling a joke. Probably a good thing. It comes back with Ryback doing shoulderblocks in the corner. Peak of this is Cole rattling off Rusev and Lana's marriage plans. Camel clutch wins via passout. Swagger-Stardust recap from Raw. Swagger eats a beating for a while. This match doesn't know what it wants to be. Swagger gets the ankle lock on with a chair. So how would a chair really help this move? Isn't it harder to actually apply the hold properly with all this crap in the way? ADR with a flying nothing into Swagger results in a mega wedgie. ADR kills him with chairs to the back in the corner in the backstabber position. Double stomp into the chairs nearly blows ADR's knee because he lands so weird.
Wyatts come out and then Team Old Guys get their own intro. Bray has a goofy horn hat now. Rhyno and Devon go out after several seemingly endless minutes of garbage. TOMMY DREAMER survives alongside Bubba. Flying whoopsie-daisy lariat from Bubba to Braun on the floor. Bubba canes the shit out of Bray to avoid Sister Abigail. Bubba busts out lighter fluid. This match needs a reason to have actual heat - not fire. Strowman chokeslams him through the table to nix that. New Royal Rumble logo echoes the original regal-looking one. Owens vs. Dean is okay stuff so far, but nothing exceptional. Memorable-ish bit with them mis-timing a swanton for 2. Dean gets a rana out of the powerbomb to WIN!? Wow. I kinda like the idea of Dean winning out of nowhere with something new. In part, because it's at least something new. Paige vs. Charlotte is up. Paige's ass looks fine here. Major camel toe action too.
I'm reasonably sure that Charlotte is a heel here. Paige is making babyface comebacks, but she does the figure four. Charlotte gets 2 off the worst moonsault block this decade. Kneeling Rampaige by Charlotte. Rampiage by the ropes leads to Ric putting her foot on the rope. Charlotte pulls the trunks to snake eyes her into the buckle and wins. Okay then. Fan engagement skit for Kay Jewelers. Awful acting with Charlotte and Becky and Ric. Main event is actually up next. Wow.Cena gets a we want Cena/CENA SUCKS chant to start it. Ha! They toss each other into ladders and stuff on the floor. Sheamus takes a nasty bump into a pile of standing TLC props and cuts his arm up. Suplex toss through a table on the floor by Sheamus. LOL @ Sheamus just bonking Roman during the drive by. White Noise off the apron through a table by Sheamus. Schoolboy powerbomb into the ladder by Roman. Giant New Jack-style running chair smash by Roman. Samoan drop off the apron by Roman through a wooden ladder bridge. Roman takes a nasty leg bump on the rope off the ladder. League of Nations comes out to save Sheamus. Roman attacks ADR. Roman pulls him down, but eats a brogue kick. Well, Roman's a failure - and they all just kept coming up with a new way to say he's a loser. Roman, the dick, attacks the victor. HHH comes down to check on the fallen champ, but eats a Superman punch. LOLing so hard at a chairshot to the back of a kneeling HHH caused him to jump high in the air. Roman powerbombs him onto the SAT, and then elbows him through it. The state of the ac-ting here. FINALLY. A CHANT FOR ROMAN. And all it took was him killing the top heel faction, injuring the champ, and taking out the boss without any hype. As they try to pick HHH up, Roman runs around and spears him.
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