Sunday, January 29, 2017

WWE Royal Rumble 2017

The pre-show features HBK, Booker, and King on it. FINALLY video on "the numbers" of the Rumble. NOW we get a Charlotte streak recap video?  Why not put this on Raw? SD womens tag was moved to the pre-show. Nikki, THE LEADER OF THE WOMENS REVOLUTION, comes out and shakes her ass and pretends to the flash the fans. Faces run wild and hit baseball slides before Naomi hits a pescado for an ad break.  Naomi beats Bliss with a split legged moonsault. Well, that was unexpected. Mickie didn't get much of a chance to shine here.

Sheamus 2012 Rumble highlights showcase Sheamus. And what did that Rumble win and title wins get him? A RUMBLE PRE-SHOW MATCH! "They're waiting for their first taste of WWE gold" while fighting for the red and silver tag belts. Karl has adopted AJ's little belt thingy design for his gear. Well, not really much to this. If you had "post-break chinlock' on your bingo card, check your cards now! THE SECOND REF points out minor rope usage - so thank God that stip was put in place here. Cesaro locks on a sharpshooter, and his black, gold, and white gear looks awesome. Sheamus gets some ground and pound. Magic Killer to Sheamus leads to the Club winning with...a schoolboy to Cesaro.

Sasha looks so angry and annoyed walking down the aisle. WHY IS SHE A BABYFACE? Nia powers her into the ropes and Sasha jumps into...I think a bulldog attempt? Whatever they were trying with that bulldog, they needed to stop doing it 30 seconds before they did. Walking stretch muffler would be such a great finisher for Nia. So watch her win with the legdrop. Nia misses a charge, eats kicks, and eats a pair of shotgun knees off the top. Well, Sasha lost to the Samoan drop. Yikes.
YES! Stephanie has promises to cut Seth's balls off on Raw tomorrow! Also, Seth is banned from the AlamoDome. This Cena-AJ recap video really does give a great sense of history to tonight's match - not sure why it wasn't on SD. This Cena-AJ video has me hyped. Holy shit, this is the best non-WM hype video they've done in ages. HBK comes out to close out the pre-show. HBK really does move around far better than you'd expect him to at 50 with all his injuries. Hard to believe it's been almost seven years since his last match - it feels like pretty much the same era even if it's been almost twice as much time has passed compared to his '98-'02 retirement. HBK's receding skullet is amazing.

I'd swear Bayley's worn this getup before as a bit of an homage to Savage - I dig it. Charlotte's name is now officially Charlotte Flair. Not sure why it ever wasn't that, but it's a positive change - maybe not for her though since WWE will always own that name. Bayley hits a nice crossbody to the floor off the second rope. We get an amazing shot of the crowd while Cole alternates between WWE Universe and WWE Fans. So which is it? Charlotte is the best mid-ring shit-talker since Mark Henry. "You're just a fan, YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM!"
Bayley hits a series of clubbing shots and a double-jump crossbody. Nice twisting flatliner and a Macho elbow gets 2. Moonsault from Charlotte is met with knees...nowhere near Charlotte. NATURAL SELECTION ON THE APRON GETS THE WIN! Good match, but nothing amazing. Charlotte's streak of PPV title matches stands at 16-0. They've done an awesome job hyping that up. Holy Foley ad. "I just dropped a deuce in my shorts!" Your Raw GM everybody! WWE Champions is hyped up. IT'S AN INCREDIBLE GAME. It's WWE Bejeweled. Universal Title match is already up. I forgot about the dangling Superman punch from Raw...and that's bad, and it's also bad that nothing on this show will likely top it.
Weird bit as Byron and Corey argue and Cole just goes into his robotic plug on Hulu like these guys don't even exist. Goddamn. Roman took FOREVER to come down the aisle. Why draw out the boos? Just come in and kick ass and MAYBE folks will like him. Roman being double teamed. CAN THE TOP WWE BABYFACE OVERCOME THE ODDS!? Roman forces him into the shark cage. They fight to the floor and KO gets chairs and bonks him in the ribs. Owens sets up a wacky chair pyramid and they tease going through it, but don't deliver.

Roman gets a table, but KO hits a backstabber for 2. BIG DOG BOMB GETS 2. FROG SPLASH OFF THE TOP THROUGH A TABLE ON THE FLOOR. Owens is nuts. KO gets 2 and also gets 2 off a Superman punch. Shouldn't that be the Super Size Punch? KO eats a Samoan drop through a  chair for 2. Owens avoids a spear through the table with a KICK TO THE FACE AND A STUNNER! Chair pyramid gets used when KO gets Superman punched off the top into it. Zero chance he didn't get concussed off that landing head-first into a sea of chairs. One-man running Shield-style powerbomb from Roman though the announce table. Roman has it all ready, but Braun attacks! RUNNING POWESLAM THROUGH THE CORNER TABLE BY BRAUN! KO "wins".

Enzo and Cass plug chicken."So what you're saying is that's it's the same story, different character!? BYRON MOTHERFUCKING SAXTON is pointing out WWE's own tropes and storyline flaws. Rumble NIGHT is the time to hype up the history of the Rumble match with highlights. Mick's getup is absolutely dreadful. The GMs and Commisioners meet in the tumbler room. Sami - a guy who is high on the spectrum and annoyed by everything. HOW IS HE A BABYFACE? Dean comes in wanting churros and oh yeah, he'll get a number too. Sami has Dean open his ball for him. "It's eight - no wait, it's upside-down...EIGHT!" I loved that.The King vs. The OUTLANDISH is up next.
Neville's character is pretty awesome - he has respect for his opponents, but THEY'RE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BEAT HIM. Neville might actually be able to save this division. MAYBE. Neville should be King of the Ring, not just King of the Cruiserweights. Mauro is getting buried a LOT here. Not much to the match, sadly. Crowd's dead. Swann has some amazing facial expressions. Standing frog splash gets 2 for Swann. Swann gets 2 off a victory roll to counter the deadlift German. Rich kick gets 2. Neville gets the tap off the Rings of Saturn/crossface - Batista's finish in 2010 and wins the title.

New Day plugs Vudu. VU-DU ROCKS! Yeah, this bit has jumped the shark. After a card of Raw matches, it's FINALLY time for SmackDown! AJ going for the BC-esque black and white gear tonight. Cena's got black shorts on ala '05, and it's a good look for him and they aren't jorts, so this look works really well. Cena charges in and eats an elbow. AA GETS 2.5. "LOOK AT CENA'S PHYSIQUE! IMAGINE BEING AJ AND SEEING THAT!" Vince is furiously jacking it backstage while feeding him lines. Cena hits 1 big lariat, but a second misses and the Pele misses largely, but gets 2. First, they call it and then they act like it hit perfectly. Electric chair facebuster, but the Network shits the bed briefly.


AA into the calf crusher, calf crusher countered into the STF. AJ GETS AN STF! Cena doing the figure four would make a lot more sense within the context of the match if they brought Styles being mentored by Flair in his career. AJ goes for a cross armbar. Flying legdrop into a powerbomb and the Clash gets 2.5! Springboard 450 meets knees, and a code red gets 2 for Cena. AA ON THE KNEE BY AJ GETS 2. The Tye breaker being a transitional move for AJ hurts Tye. Fallway...big ending/cutter thing gets 2. A+AA GETS 2! Styles Clash hits again, but AJ's too hurt to follow up. Forearm countered into an AA and then he rolls INTO ANOTHER AA. Now that's an FU! It's been 2 and a half years since Cena has been THE MAN and it feels good to see him with the WWE Title again. So good to see JBL hyping up this win as being important. It feels good to see that done again. And then they do some weird Make a Wish kid thing that feels shoehorned and exploitative. "THAT'S A CLASS ACT"...or maybe not.
Rumble hype leads to a Takeover recap. Steph going to face to face with Seth is hyped up. King gets his own intro! It's 2017 and of course Lawler has an Affliction-style shirt still. Of course NOW at the actual Rumble match, my feed shits the bed on Xbox One and crashes a few times. Enzo and Cass, maybe one of them, are in at 1. I think it's just Cass. Long-ass promo here from Enzo and Cass - even by their standards. Jericho is out at 2 in his Okada-esque gear. CAN HE PULL SIX STARS OUT OF CASS TONIGHT!? Watching on the PS4 seems to work far better. Mojo pounces on Kalisto. Jericho makes history being in the Rumble for over 4 hours. Jack Gallagher is out WITH HIS UMBRELLA!

Jack attacks with the umbrella...he's a face, right? Jack hits everyone with his umbrella...and he's a face? Also, King doesn't know who he is or how to say his name. Jericho gets crotched with the umbrella and twirls it. Mark Henry comes out and gets a good pop being from Texas. Henry hits a series of headbutts to everyone while King fucks up Jack's name again. Henry tosses Jack out. Now that was a dangerous bump to do holding an umbrella. And boy is that a strange sentence to type.BRAUN! is out and hits a giant chokeslam/spinebsuter to Mojo and takes him out. Cass goes for a boot, gets crotched, and eliminated. He tosses Kalisto into the pile on th floor. JESUS MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST THAT BUMP FROM KALISTO! Henry and Braun go at it...and the feed goes down and I think Henry is gone. Sami is out and goes at it with Braun. Show is out at 9.

Braun eliminates Show and TYE DEBUTS AT 10! TYE that fucking vest. Geek. Jumping forearms to Braun! 10 count punches! Sami and Tye go for a suplex, but they eat a suplex. Ellsworth and Carmella come out. Carmella having Ellsworth-face polka dot gear is something else. Sami and Tye ALMOST ELIMINATE BRAUN, BUT HE HANGS ON! Dean is out and hypes up James to run in together...and then Dean just leaves him hanging. Ellsworth is gone!

Baron's out. Roar spot for Braun. Tye's gone. HELLUVA KICK TO BRAUN. BARON TAKES OUT BRAUN! NEW COLOR SCHEME FOR NEW DAY! Dark blue and orange...kinda looks more serious I guess. Miz is out and Big E comes out after and smacks Miz's ass with an abdominal stretch. HANDSOME RUSEV IS OUT! Risev darts down and kicks ass. He attacks Sheamus and Cole talks about the League of Nations. CESARO IS OUT. Shame it's not Angle. Swing to Sami! Another to Dean. KOFI! Big E...almost. CORBIN SWUNG! Sheamus begs off, but Rusev superkicks Cesaro. Rusev goes to eliminate Cesaro, but Sheamus saves - so he's actually a good friend.

Woods is 20. Not much going on. Bray is 21. Crews is out. Crews should be here to just be tossed by Brock. Goldberg better be next based on the chants for him. Sheamus and Cesaro take out New Day. They get taken out by Jericho! Orton's out. RKO TO BARON! RKO TO RUSEV! SPRINGBOARD BY SAMI INTO AN RKO! Dolph is out. Dolph hits a double jumping DDT to Miz and Crews. King, the heel, says that HE'S A LOSER. Harper is 25 and gets no reaction. Harper eliminates Crews. HARPER LARIATS BRAY! SUPERKICK TO ORTON! ABIGAIL TO BRAY, BUT NO, ORTON SAVES! Well, if nothing else, at least Harper's stock rose with the Rumble.

BROCK IS OUT! Dean and Dolph tossed instantly. GERMANS! F5S! ENZO'S OUT. ENZO GONNA DIE! GLORIOUS bump off a lariat and he's tossed! Everything with Brock has been fun. Horrible for Dean tho. GOLDBERG IS OUT! SPEAR AND A LARIAT TAKE OUT BROCK! Jackhammer to Sami! Wyatts gang up on Goldberg. DOUBLE SPEAR! TAKER IS OUT! BROCK VS. TAKER! Taker appears mid-ring and goozles Goldberg, but the heels jump them. Goldberg tosses Rusev. Taker tossed Baron! SPEAR TO TAKER! TAKER ELIMINATES GOLDBERG! Chokeslam city! 30 is THE BIG DOG! Roman vs. Taker. The crowd goes WILD for Taker vs. Goldberg, and we'll get Taker vs. Roman. ROMAN ELIMINATES TAKER!


Roman eliminates Jericho and it's down to Roman, Bray, or Orton. Well, only Roman has any real momentum.I hope Bray wins this thing. He's the worst of the three, has the least momentum, and is the least over - but whatever. Give him a gold watch...or just eliminate him. Fucking hell. Now it's down to Orton or Roman. RKO AND HE TAKES OUT ROMAN! ORTON VS. CENA PART 393383838383! Or not. So Bray wins at the chamber and we get Orton vs. Bray in...the opener? Is there anything they can do to heat these guys up so they actually feel like a big deal before WM?


Rumble pre-show screens

Rumble show screens -


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