Sunday, April 2, 2017

WWE WrestleMania 33 - THE ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE

 
The kickoff show lets us see what the set is - and yup, it's incredible. Charly and Maria Menounus are in the lounge, while Sam Roberts is "with his people, the WWE Universe". Renee calls Bray and Orton "blood brothers". Yeah, they were enemies, then friends for some reason, then enemies. The crusix stuff is hilarious. Seth-HHH recap is the same one from Raw.Can someone get HBK some Ritalin or something? He's ADD as fuck here just rambling about Point A to B without finishing Point A. And then out of nowhere, we get an FF XIV Bloodstorm ad. Give me (Final Fantasy) BLOODSTORM OR GO TO HELL!


They hype up the 80 yard ramp. So Bill is going to be caked in sweat by the time he gets mid-way down that damn thing. They hype up Owens-Jericho a bit. Raw women's match jabbering. Aries vs. Neville is up! The giant sun tunnel is awesome. Corey and Tom are the best WWE in the modern era and they're here for this. Aries has silver and black gear, while Neville has gold and black. Neville rolls to avoid an early Last Chancery. Missile dive meets a kick for an ad break. Post-break chinlock by Neville. Aries doing that axehandle off the top to the floor reminds me of Cornette and Dave talking about how that move killed Savage's knees when he was doing that all the time - especially at 40. Which Aries is pretty close to right now.

Neville goes for the superplex, but Aries shoves him off into a backflip before a missile dropkick gets 2 for Aries. SNAP GERMAN BY NEVILLE! He goes for the deadlift, but Aries flips, goes for the discus, gets superkicked and a eats a deadlift German for 2! Rings turned into a cradle for 2! Discus hits, but it sends Neville to the floor. SUPER RANA OFF THE TOP! 450 hits for 2.5! Last Chancery is on and the crowd chants Yes! Neville rakes the bad eye  and then kicks the rope into his face before a Red Arrow. Neville wins! Kinda surprised, but that was the absolute perfect finish for a Neville win. 


Network ad hypes up 24 shows on Angle, Goldberg, and Balor. The USA Network portion kicks off for hour 2. Andre battle royal is up. Geeks wander down and Show gets an intro. Revamped retro Goldust gear - only with silver on the sides. I like it! Braun eliminates Kalisto and Killian Dain gets like no intro at all. They part the sea and Braun takes out Show quickly and then the roster teams up to eliminate Braun. LOL @ them just muting the audio for the commercial portion. They talk about how Tian Bing wrestled for "the Inoki promotion" in Japan. Truth's elimination is almost missed. Thanks Dunn!

More random audio changes. AA is gone. Usos are gone. Bing is eliminated by Dolph and then Sami takes out Epico. I like Mojo's MD flag gear. TITUS ELIMINATES HARPER!? WHAT THE FUCK!? MOTHERFUCKING POUNCE. PERIOD! They need to put that back in the games.  Gronk chants for Mojo and Jinder tosses water on him. He goes to the ring and they try to detain him So logically, why is it wrong for Gronk to do this, but it was okay for Ronda at WM 2 years ago? Mojo eliminates Jinder. Horrible battle royal, but they have a chance to kind of make a star here with Mojo. Hell, put the IC Title on him soon to get at least some on-paper momentum with this.

 
Paul macks on Maria and Charly. More panel chat. Baron vs. Dean was put on the pre-show to put the SD Women's Title on the main show. Six months ago, Dean was the WWE Champion and now he's on the WM pre-show likely losing the IC Title on it. Yowza. LOL at actually replaying the fucking forklift angle. Baron dominates and they cut away for a USA break, but not for the network. Baron avoids dirty deeds and hits a corner lariat. Holy Jesus has this match killed the crowd. Dean goes for the elbow, but gets hit. Tope gets a hit too. Dean sidesteps a steps charge. Jannetty vs. Janela was 5,000 times better than this. Deep Six gets 2. End of Days is turned into the Dirty Deeds to end this. Jesus this was awful.

A career retrospective video airs for Taker before WM - if he's done, this was a great sendoff show for him. IT IS TIME FOR UNUAUTHORIZED VIEWERS TO BE FOREWARNED!

 
Tinashe gets booed and with her dress, she should be Titashe. Nice intro video too. Goldberg kicking a virtual door down before breathing smoke ruled! Big E has added a giant wacky robe to his ensemble. I approve. I could do without New Day and Cole saying "I SAW...MOOGLE AND...CHOCOBO OUT THERE!" I hope we get at least one DAMMIT MOOGLE tonight from JBL. This looks like quite the bizarre group of LARPers in the ring. Shane vs. AJ starts things off - well, if you cin't main event, get in the opener. This match doesn't really need a 20 minute video package.


Shane gets winded going down the ramp. HOODIE VEST IS BACK FOR AJ! AJ's white, black, blue, and red gear is odd - but unique. AJ DOES THE SHUFFLE! Ha! Shane does a go-behind takedown and gets 2 off an Oklahoma roll. Shane gave himself all the coolest matwork things in 2K17 and thought "yeah, that's my Mania match!" Love Otunga talking about Shane's extensive MMA, muay thai, and wrestling training.  Shane punches away in the corner to boos. AJ tosses Shane over the SD announce table. AJ dominates the man who was called POSSIBLY THE GREATEST THREAT TO THE UNDERTAKER EVER.



A punch exchange leads to a Phenomenal Blitz, but a superkick to the gut hits AJ. Horrible Angle slam hits for Shane, but SHOOTER SHANE THEN GETS THE ROUSEY ARMBAR! UMAPLATA! Shane avoids the 450 and gets a triangle choke. Are you fucking kidding me!? One armed Clash gets 2! BOO/YAY stuff with AJ getting cheered. AJ hits the ref and Peles Shane. AJ gets a trash can. MY MAGIC 8 BALL PREDICTS A COAST TO COAST DROPKICK. Coast to coast P1 forearm leads to a can shot. Time for SHANE TO TEACH AJ STYLES SOMETHING. HAHAHAHA. This of course leads to a coast to coast. IT GETS 2!


Shane drags AJ to the announce table. Flying elbow misses! P1 forearm is met with a DDT! SHOOTER SHANE PRESS misses. P1 forearm hits and AJ wins! Then they fellate Shane some more about how incredible he is. Wowzers was this nuts. Wacky Ellsworth/Flair ad for Snickers.
Byron hypes up THE ONE AND ONLY YOUTUBE SENSATION _____, but then KO comes out. Lilly Singh is the person, and it's because she is doing something with the Bellas. Recap of the Festival of Friendship. Odd to not have Jericho do his signature pose, but that was solid. I love the super-bright lighting and giant list on the ramp. The light-up scarf is brilliant. Nice start with Jericho hitting an axehandle and drawing a "stupid idiot" chant. CORNER CANNONBALL LEADS TO AN APRON CANNOBALL. Well, that was new. Flying corkscrew elbow off the top gets 2 for Chris.



Codebreaker is countered into the package slam. This is a mid-card Raw match. They're doing stuff, and it's fine, but there's no story Lionsault leads to a block and a superkick and KO misses a frog splash. .Jericho blocks a swanton with knees. Jericho hits a back elbow and the Lionsault FINALLY hits. Jericho goes for a rana, but it's turned into the Walls! He's out and a cannonball is turned into the Walls by Chris, but KO escapes and the pop-up powerbomb gets 2. He talks shit, but eats a codebreaker off a powerbomb attempt. This only gets 2.5 due to KO USING A FINGER FOR THE ROPE. That got a "this is awesome" chant. APRON POWERBOMB ENDS IT!


Raw women's title is up. The hype video focuses too much on Charlotte speaking. Nice Savage-style cape here for Bayley. Cole hypes up the women's tourney this summer. Nia does nothing special. Slick gear for Sasha and she gets a nice ride down to the ring, too. Charlotte's in green and looks ridiculous, but she gets Ric's WM 24 intro pyro - which looks great.


Nia steamrolls them and gets a banzai drop before sending everyone on the floor. Double back suplex by Bayley and Sasha thanks to Charlotte mafia kicking Nia, and it gets 2. TRIPLE TEAM POWERBOMB TAKES NIA OUT. Wow, that was fun. HIGH FIVE! Best thing Charlotte's ever said on TV. Sasha dives onto Bayley, and then Charlotte hits a tornado dive on them! They to go to finisher teases early. Figure 8 is countered, and a crossface leads to a cradle for 2. A head bonk into the exposed buckle takes Sasha out. Moonsault misses and gets 2. Flying nothing leads to a spear-ish thing and a figure 8. TREE OF WOE KNEE STOMPS BY CHARLOTTE. I love it. Backdrop off the top by Bayley. Macho Man elbow gets the win. Wow, that was...sudden. Well, at least it was the belly to Bayley at the last PPV and not the flying elbow that ended Charlotte's streak.




HOF video airs and the HOFers come out. DDP has ONE POSE and Dunn missed it. Seth is shown being taped up and Cole says "He's taking no precautions!" Or, perhaps, all of them. Tag title match is up. Cass looks great in red - makes him look huge. Enzo's gold leopard print gear is something else. Cesaro and Sheamus HAVE KILTS, and this somehow makes them more badass. Remember a year ago when The Club was a big deal? Yeah wow has this year not worked out for them like anyone expected. NEW DAY COMES OUT WITH NEWS. DELETE DELETE DELETE. THINGS ARE ABOUT TO BE BROKEN!



Hardys hit dueling potion in motions. They are crazy over and are just doing their greatest hits stuff. It's awesome! Cesaro double stomps Karl off the ladder and then Cesaro gets his knee caught and takes Eat Defeat from Enzo and a boot from Cass. Hardys set up ladder bridges on the floor and the Club sandwiches them. Sheamus clubs Luke while Cesaro swings Karl. SWISS19! Giant Brother Nero chant at WWE's biggest event of the year. HOW IN THE FUCK COULD TNA NOT DRAW MONEY WITH THIS GIMMICK!? Double Razor's Edge was a neat tease - and a great thing to not deliver. Matt hits a Twist.


AND THEN HE HITS A TWIST OFF THE LADDER AND THEN JEFF HITS A SWANTON OFF THE TOP OF A GIANT LADDER AND MATT GRABS THE BELTS! THIS RULED! TNA found a way to fuck THIS up. It's astounding that a month ago, these guys could've been stuck there and now they're megastars back in WWE. I love Matt MOTIONING for Delete - but not saying it. Now if the fans in the building HAPPEN to chant Delete due to that, well by golly...

Mixed tag is up and that's the perfect choice to follow that up. NOW we get a video package showing robo-Cena from reality TV. NOW. Not when they're doing the skits, but at WM. Out to commentate the match about the importance of a rock-solid marriage - JERRY LAWLER! Al Roker is out to ring announce. FEARLESS Nikki Bella's intro is amusing. Cena is actually running down the ramp and King talks about being called "Jerry 'The Ring' Lawler" by Roker before. They tease Maryse vs. Nikki, before Maryse tags Miz in.



Miz is hugely over and man does he deserve this chance at the top of the card again. Miz runs wild and the crowd is eating this up. Damn. They should just give Orton the title, have Miz win it from him and then have Cena get the record-breaking 17th win at Summerslam or maybe even WM next year. Miz hits the situp boot and a DDT. King of Soft Style kicks. Nikki dives on Miz to save Maryse. Forearm and a protobomb lead to the double fistdrop and an AA/Rack Attack 2.0 end it. Well, that was abrupt - but the perfect finish, especially since they basically telegraphed it on SD. John grabs the mic and talks about her going in for surgery and John saying that he asked her to marry him then - but she didn't remember. This is so adorably dorky and awesome. He uses her real name to ask her to get married, and she agrees. Well, that was cute.


"The Creator"... They spent more on this HHH entrance than they did for the OVW years of developmental. He rides a comically-large motorcycle out with a police escort. HHH's Big Wheel motorcycle is adorable. This was high comedy. They were going for that, right? That was even funnier than the Aces and Eights who couldn't ride motorcycles WALKING THE BIKES AROUND backstage. Of course they build the heel up by talking about how he's only missed 1 Mania of five billion due to injuries and he's a 14 time world champ, too.

 



Seth is in gold with a torch, which sets...the LEDs ablaze. Okay. They brawl and HHH dragon screws THE WRONG KNEE. Seth dives on him to the floor twice. Seth goes for an announce table pedigree, but HHH takes the knee out and DDTs him - thankfully, the table doesn't break. HHH chairshots the knee and then wedges the knee between the tables before knee-dropping the bad knee. HHH does his formula to no reaction.


Seth teases a pedigree, it gets countered, and Seth hits a RUNNING BUCKLE BOMB with a bad knee. Seth dives onto HHH from the ringpost to the floor. High fly flow to the back gets 2. HHH Pillmanizes the knee. He goes for a dive onto it, but Seth tosses the chair at him. And OF COURSE he gets the superplex>falcon arrow without an issue, despite having a bad knee that's been worked on constantly and HHH being 280 pounds. Phoenix splash is teased, but Steph grabs him and his knee his the ropes setting up the inverted figure four. It's done again on the floor and Seth throws weapons around. Including tossing the sledgehammer to HHH. Well, that's stupid. I know when I'm facing an enemy, I make sure to throw his deadly weapon TOWARDS HIM.



HHH seems completely exhausted right now. Seth gets the hammer, but Steph grabs it and a pedigree gets 2. Seth avoids a super pedigree and gets 2 off a phoenix splash. They tease back and forth pedigrees, but HHH clips the knee. HHH almost gets run into Steph, but a superkick sends him...lightly into her and she goes off the apron and through a table. A pedigree ends it and Seth won - but he didn't really come off as a bigger star here. HHH was the core focus of it.

What the fuck is this concert. At least URFight's Peach Panther was comedically bad. SD Women's Title is going to be in the death slot it looks like. Amusingly, it's going on AFTER THE WWE Title match. Orton burned down Bray's house and killed his symbolic sister. And Bray is going to get his revenge by pinning his shoulders down for 3 seconds.  Bray does his usual intro, but with more fans holding their phone lights up. Okay. Orton does his pose on the ramp. LEGEND KILLER PYRO! Randy has a cool new vest.



Orton starts with a Thesz press sand punches, but an RKO is blocked. Bray does the corner pose and maggots appear in an image on the mat. Okay, so the top ring on the top also doubles as a projector while the canvas was a screen. Another one shows worms. Well, with this match's pace, we should hear crickets chirping soon. RKO on the floor. Five people clap for the RKO on the floor. LOL  Spider walk leads to more bug footage and an RKO ends it. 13 WORLD TITLE WINS. And I remember him beating Benoit, losing to HHH, the WM 25 one, and then the Christian feud.



Recap of the pre-show. They'd better not make us listen to the kickoff panel. I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING, GET THE FUCK ON WITH THE SHOW. Thank God - Brock vs. Goldberg is up. Fucking hell is this video incredible. Heyman's narration makes this seem epic and shows his UFC rise and Brock's rise in his kingdom. "Claimed the mantle of Universal Champion". Verbally, this title just sounds dreadful. Brock's intro is the usual, with more pyro.


Goldberg is somehow in better shape than he was on Raw. Heyman grabs the mic from Jojo for Brock's intro. Goldberg gets booed after his Jojo intro. THREE GERMANS. TWO SPEARS! But Brock rolls out, but gets speared through the barricade! Now that got the crowd on his side. Jackhammer is teased, F5 is teased, but it leads to another spear. Throat slice and the jackhammer gets 2! BROCK LEAPFROGS A SPEAR AND GERMANS HIM! FOUR GERMANS! Five! SIX! Nine total Germans! TEN TEN TEN! GERMANS! F5 hits and Brock wins - this was just a perfect match.


Alexa comes down in Joker-colored booty shorts. YES! Mickie looks absolutely ridiculous in this native American getup. Naomi comes off like such a star with this intro. FEEL THE GLOW on the mat. The lighting on the canvas means less when they use it on both the WWE Title match and...the SD Women's Title match. Becky's braids don't look good on her. Becky hits wacky hopping kicks. Alexa's Tongan deathgrip STO rules. BEXPLODER TO ELLSWORTH! LOL at the double sharpshooter. Naomi springboard is met with a punch, and Naomi hits the twister for the win. Crowd number bullshit.



I just thought that if this is Taker's last match, I'll have seen all but 2 of his WM matches in real-time. Jim Ross comes down and is called the best ever. LOL at Roman sending pyro down the ramp with his fist.  Cole calls Roman one of the most controversial figures in history! HAHAHA In mere minutes, JR has added a ton to Roman's overall presentation. Taker gets a ton of pyro and raises from the floor.




A slugfest starts things off, as it should. Taker sends him out and says it's his yard. Well, that stand-up landing on the lariat to the floor couldn't have felt good for his hip. Samoan drop hits Taker. Roman counters the snake eyes into the post. Drive by hits. Taker eats a drop-down kick, so Taker just slugs him. Snake eyes, boot, and legdrop gets 2. Taker seriously needs to never do a legdrop - just do an elbow drop, it accomplishes the same thing. Another drive by is met with a right hook, so Taker moves stuff off the table.


Chokeslam ON THE OTHER ANNOUNCE TABLE with the cover on it. Taker stands on one table and gets speared through it! Roman's landing easily could've gone much worse. Taker does the situp after Roman talks shit. Roman hits the corner lariats. Mounted punches. STOP PUNCHING DOWN. HE IS GOING TO LAST RIDE YOU! It hits, and he grabs a chair. A few chairs to the back to Roman. They go out, then in. Superman punch! Another one leads to a chokeslam to the chair for 2.Tombstone gets 2.5. They go for a tombstone reversal, but Taker just can't move, so Roman nixes that and Superman punches him. Spear! Hell's Gate is on! Well, kinda. Looks pretty shit.

Taker goes for the chair, but Roman steps on the chair and lays waste to him with it. Taker gets up slowly and a huge spear gets 2.5. Reigns showed concern beforehand, and I'd have been fine with that ending Taker's career - although the tombstone being the finale would be perfect poetically. Another spear gets 2.9. Another Superman punch hits and Taker tries to sit up, but he slumps. JBL says that Taker's body may have given out on him. Taker tells him he doesn't have the balls, so Roman spears him to win. Well, I'd have preferred a tombstone - but historically, they wanted to put the spear over...even though that took a billion to get the win, and it would've only taken one tombstone to end it.



Roman gets his pyro and Taker lies mid-ring with a "thank you Take" chant. We get one last situp and a recap of the match so Taker can stand tall with his full regalia on. That was far from a perfect last match, but it was one that will hopefully help Roman and allow Taker to retire and finally rest his broken body. He takes the gloves off and lays them mid-ring. He folds his jacket up and does the same before taking the hat off one last time and breathing a sigh of relief before resting it atop the rest of the clothes. One more fist raise and the bell tolls on his career. Wow. Roman wasn't the right guy to end his career, but he was a FAR FAR FAR FAR better option than Shane, and the match was...well, maybe worse actually - but at least he retired to an actual wrestler.



Kickoff screens -
http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/una722onba58luz79nnva6j8m9idji9d

Screens part 1 -
http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/7oq8ala2m0cnsfk8f9mzqn1cy7124lqb/1

Screens Part 2 -
http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/cfae16vuqffl5n7fjxg5cp4pwnapz7sb

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