Sunday, April 30, 2017

WWE Payback 2017

The pre-pre show hypes up that respect could be BROKEN tonight in the tag title match. King is in a ridiculous green and gold shirt. Enzo and Cass are out for their match with The Club. Thank God we got a nice, long recap video of this fucking feud of all things. Nothing happens, break, post-break armbar! Rocket kick sends Enzo to the floor. Cass hits a boot during the Magic Killer, giving Enzo a win via a cradle. Matt talks to Jeff about framing their victory before Truth and Goldust come in to chat. Well, that really made the Hardys seem like goofs. Sheamus and Cesaro chat in the lunge. Maryse is quite hot thankfully. "BALOR CLUB SAYS NOPE" really does make Balor seem like a goober. Miz asks Finn what he's gonna do and Finn says he'll win his title. Balor kicks Miz's ass and the panel's mics are turned down.

Solid hype video starts things off... and then it's ruined by Papa Roach. Jericho comes out to a huge pop and a Y2J chant while they talk about it being Canada vs. Canada for the US Title. The giant Kevin Owens face on the ramp is hilarious. KO stalls, but gets jumped. Booker T is once again doing a great job of pointing out how old everyone is and how you should be amazed if they can do anything. Booker says that Jericho put Canada on the map. KO tosses Jericho into the barricade for a cannonball that gets an 8 count.

Long chinlocks give KO an edge. Nice chops hit for each guy. Lionsault is met with knees and the cannonball gets 2.5 Walls are on, but KO gets to the ropes with one finger. Jericho goes to break it with a staircase kick. "HE MAY HAVE JUST CRIPPLED THE NEW FINGER OF AMERICA!" Corey is great. THE WALLS ARE ON AND JERICHO WINS! Wow, that's a surprise. I guess KO wins it on Tuesday. I love Jericho signing a fan's list.
Aries comes out for the cruiserweight title match. Not much going on until AA gets crotched. Neville hits a kneedrop and locks on a chinlock. Aries hits a suicide dive. Aries goes for a 450, but it's avoided again and he slaps him down and gets the chancery. Neville grabs the ref and tosses him, so Aries wins by DQ. Booker calls Aries "the kid"...who is nearly 40. European badasses come down to face the broken-down, but not BROKEN Hardys. Matt got his green and gold pants from the same place King got his ridiculous shirt.

A Brother Nero chant breaks out before a DELETE and OBSOLETE chant breaks out. Poetry in Motion to Cesaro gets 2. Jeff takes a nasty bump to the floor and then actually loses a tooth taking a hard shot. Outstanding shot of Sheamus's flying knee - focusing on his crotch and then only showing the knee at the end. GIGANTIC legdrop gets 2. Whisper in the Wind hits the challengers. Swing to Matt leads to Corey saying that he'll be in another universe. SUPER WHITE NOISE GETS 2. Swanton to Sheamus wins. Cesaro and Sheamus raise their hands again before kicking their asses. Matt's eye is busted up and Jeff lost a tooth tonight. Yikes.

Braun says SCARY WORDS. YAY! ALEXA'S TINY NXT SHORTS ARE BACK. BLISSAWA forearm! Lots of chinlocks by Bliss. Sunset bomb gets 2 for Bliss. The double knee backflip misses, leading to a running knee. Mach elbow gets 2.5. Bliss goes for another sunset bomb, but Bayley is sent into the post and the snap DDT wins it! Alexa's the first woman to win both the SD and Raw titles - wow. History made in 9 months!


House of Horrors match is up. LOL @ Orton rolling up to a street fight in a limo. This is a mini-movie that happens to be a wrestling match. THE HOUSE IS HORRORS IS BLUE. Bray jumps Randy in the HAUNTED LIVING ROOM. Bray disappears into a SPOOKY ROOM with antlers. They fight in the kitchen and Randy sadly doesn't attack with a rolling pin. Bray avoids a frying pan shot with a ball shot. He tries to tip a fridge over on Randy, does so - but it misses, and he sells it anyway. Bray howls and leaves. Bray's magic turns all the blue Hue lights red. Bray leaves in the limo and sings that he's got the whole world in his hands. "Randy Orton just had a fridge dropped on him!" THIS SENTENCE IS A CRUCIAL PLOT OF EVERYTHING.

Seth vs. Joe hype video. LOL @ Seth bringing back one of Orton's old poses to get the fans on his side. Joe and Seth start off with hard chops. They trade suicide dives. Joe works on the knee while they talk about how amazing it is he can still wrestle. If Seth's knee is so banged up, he probably shouldn't have a finish that involves a knee strike. Slingblade hits for 2. Seth gets a blockbuster "almost out of instinct!" for 2. Seth can't do the buckle bomb, but can still do a falcon arrow. Frog splash gets 2. Seth kicks Joe, but the Clutch is on-ish. Seth cradles him for 2. Another cradle gets the win. Well, this got no one over.

Bray returns and walks past a toolbox. NEIL'S WORKBOX was the best part of Bray returning. Bray lumbers out. Boy does that white wifebeater really make Bray look fat. Bray turns around and Orton attacks. They brawl around ringside before Orton hits a draping DDT on the floor. "Orton somehow survived having an appliance fall on him!"  Corey is the best commentator around. THE SINGH BROTHERS ATTACK ORTON!  Powerslam to one, RKO TO BRAY, BUT JINDER JUMPS ORTON WITH THE BELT! Abigail ends it. Holy Jesus was all of this delightfully horrible. So now that Bray has beaten WWE World Champion Randy Orton, Orton is prepared to NOT FACE HIM AGAIN and Bray is prepared to win the IC Title from Dean Ambrose.

Long recap of the Braun-Roman feud. Roman comes out all taped up. Astonished that Roman isn't in a full bodycast to try and get sympathy. Roman jumps him, which is okay because "he realizes he has to strike first" LOL at Braun picking up Roman and plopping him on his ass on the apron. Chokeslam to an announce table by Braun. Corner avalanche by Braun! Braun vs. Hogan in his prime would've been amazing. He's being treated like the agile giant Big Show should've been. "WE TALK ALL THE TIME ABOUT HOW TOUGH ROMAN REIGNS IS!"

Roman gets the drive by and avoids a powerslam into a post, sending Braun into it. Spear hits for 2. Spear is met with a boot, but the backbreaker cutter is met with TWO SUPERMAN PUNCHES. HEAD AND ARM CHOKE IS ON! POWERSLAM HITS FOR 2.5. Braun hoists his limp body up and another powerslam ends it. YES!

Cole exposits about their feud when Braun grabs the steps. A THANK YOU STROWMAN! chant breaks out. Braun tosses Roman onto the steps. Steps to the gut lead to a roar and big pop for Braun. Roman coughs up good stage blood before shoving Finlay. "Where are the EMTs at!?" Seemingly, chanting THANK YOU STROWMAN! Roman is doomed. "You can see the damage coming out of Reigns!" Can't say blood? And then it ends. Wow.

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