Generic intro. Dean welcomes us to Raw. Dean says he's not going to bore us - so Raw is now self-aware. He wants a fight and Orton says he's happy because he's from St. Louis, but he LOVES CHICAGO! Orton says that last night, he was fighting the Wyatts. Dean is apparently fighting Braun and Harper, with Orton as his partner. Well, that was weird. Orton is taking a 20 mile road to go to a corner store here. Orton is basically just having a conversation with himself. YES NEW DAY! They've managed to make Orton emote - God bless New Day. Kofi and Big E face Dean and Orton next.
After a break, Orton hits a slingshot suplex to Kofi for 2. Dean tags in, as does Big E. Big E resurrecting the Alex Wright Dance is great. Orton goes for a knee, but Dean tags in for... a stomp. Orton comes back in to show him how that's done. THEN THEY TAKE TURNS STOMPING! Yet another ad break.
After the break, NEW! DAY STOMPS! Lots of stuff occurs and Kofi pushes Orton into Dean and SCHOOLBOYS ORTON FOR THE WIN! KOFI PINS ORTON! KOFI PINS ORTON! KOFI PINS ORTON! KOFI PINS ORTON! Roman battles Braun and we'll get a Brock-Taker preview. Boy does that match just not seem like a huge deal right now.
Wow, that show is under 2 weeks away. BROCK ALSO SENT OUT A TWEET! Taker vs. Brock is now hyped up with history involving titles...but not the WWE Title Brock held in '02. Odd. Streak ending recap. Great graphic for all this. Nikki comes out and feigns flashing her breasts. This divas revolution just seems a bit odd with Nikki fake-flashing her breasts and shaking her ass around. The former is especially odd to do during breast cancer awareness month.
Reigns and Cena hate cancer. SINCE PAYDAY IS AN UNCONVENTIONAL CANDY BAR, Byron does a man on the street segment where everyone says Paige and/or Dean are the most unconventional superstar and/or diva. Well, as bad as the man on the street thing was, Paige and Byron's interaction was worse. Cena comes out and talks about loving Chicago. Astonished we didn't get a CM Punk chant during this Cena bit. Dolph accepts the challenge. Lana gets mentioned on commentary, and they brought up the engagement on the site.
The Twitter crawl points out that Taker looks old and broken down. A guy holds up a SHE SAID YES sign. So YET ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT. Armbar exchange. Sleeper when we get back. Great zoom-in on the bald spot after the break. Poor Cena - I hope he's taking time off to get that worked on. Dolph's fake tan is something else. His chest is dark orange and his back is pale. Cena counters a sunset flip with an STF. Dolph regains the sleeper.
Sloppy tossing AA sends Dolph outside. Cena brings him in for 2. Cena picks him up and puts him up top. Cena goes for a Super AA, but Dolph gets a super DDT for 2. Cena lariats the air and Dolph does a Rikishi sell for it. AA countered into a bizarre fameasser. STF, but Dolph gets to the ropes.Crossbody rollthrough leads to an AA being countered with an eye rake and a superkick for 2.5! Goddamn - Dolph actually feels like he's being elevated by this! Awesome. Boo/yay punch exchange. ZIG ZAG GETS 2. AA GETS THE WIN!
Kane chats with Hunter, and informs him that the show is going SWIMMINGLY. Steph hates Tess the flight attendant. Sting: Into the Light video package airs. Dudleys vs. Ascension is up. Nice of Bully to hold the guy's hand so he knew he was ready for the Doomsday Device. Neville's out getting a partial intro to team with Cesaro against Barrett and Sheamus. Weird double team flippy-do from Neville and Cesaro. Heels cheat to beat Neville with a bullhammer on the floor.
WWE Did You Know is now the Payday plug - for Xavier's Youtube channel. Roman the world-beating asskicker with cool moves rambled on a bit. Dean teams with the Dudleys against the New Day on SD. Braun tosses Roman, who takes an awesome bump. Slow mo on a SCOOP SCLAM for Braun. Aloha Braun sell off the Superman Punch! Drive by hits, but a second one leads to a thing resembling a lariat counter. Harper eats a Superman punch. Why isn't that a DQ? Strowman is sent over the table with the punch and Roman wins via countout. What a blood feud. These guys are INCHES APART doing an interpretive dance to one another.
Mr. Kane finishes watching the match and gets a call from Hunter. Kane tells him that he made Seth in a lumberjack match. AGAINST HIM! Now HHH and Kane are doing a Who's on First bit with "It's Me" in 2015. Payday - THE UNCONVENTIONAL CANDY BAR. Human beings were paid to come up with this concept. I bet they also made Corn Nuts - THE EXTREME CORN SNACK. Rusev's out.
And then out of nowhere, Cole just says that TMZ broke that Rusev and Lana are engaged. Ryback is in white and pink looking like a Pepto Bismol bottle. So then just out of nowhere, Rusev is just engaged to Lana in this story. Again, there are many missing chapters in these books. Summer's with him and Cole says maybe she doesn't use social media much. Byron says that actually, she does - a lot. Well, this is sure goofy. Ryback hits the lariat, but eats a superkick. OH MY GOD RYBACK JUST BEAT RUSEV. Jesus. Wow. Quite the fuck you to RuRu there. "Rusev makes ONE MISTAKE!" Summer is now a sarcastic bitch to him. Summer shows off TMZ. So then Lana's character is of course blameless in this, right? WHY ARE THEIR TWEETY BIRD SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND OF RAW? Summer calls him a bastard and slaps him. "And it's all Lana's fault" Well, they're both doomed. Way to maximize characters, WWE.
Kalisto is out to be massacred by Owens. LOL at the LUCHALUCHA senton. LUCHA DIVE TEASE into...a rolldown and then a club to the back. Tremendous. DRAGONRANA OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR countered into a thing resembling a powerbomb. Hot damn, this is a blast - Kalisto's flipping around like a nut here. Owens catching him off a dive and wins with the powerbomb. Team CB Radio vs. Bella B-Team is up.
Charlotte faces Nikki, and Cole for one, RECITES WHAT TEAM PCB MEANS IN CASE THAT'S TOO SMART FOR THE FANS TO UNDERSTAND. Nattie has joined CB and they're now NBC. Wacky double team to Brie leads to her kicking Charlotte right in the ass and then kneeing her...near the air near her stomach. After lots of weird shit, Brie wins with a missile dropkick off the second rope. Wow. Everything about this was dumbfounding. LOL - Paige asks "good to go?" right after Kane is shown on-air. Steph breaks Kane's balls over making the main event, and HHH says that YOU can't face him. Of course, "you" is Corporate Kane. Demon Kane is different. This is met with a gigantic CM Punk chant.
Show and Seth chat. Poor Seth can't even get Big Show on his side - or win! Corporate Kane tells Seth that HHH tells him that he can't face Seth tonight. HIAC hype. NOW IT'S A 13 YEAR RIVALRY!? "Superstars come down to play lumberjacks!" Wouldn't want to pay tribute to Dusty by having clips of the Dusty Classic or anything. HBK, Taker, Flair, and Brock will be on Raw next week - good to give that 15 minutes of hype. Show hits a KO punch on Kane for 2. New Day attacks Kane and a clusterfuck emerges.Then they all go from fighting on the floor to beating up Kane mid-ring. WHY IS A MATCH STILL GOING ON!? WHY ISN'T ANY OF THIS A DQ!? Kane gets a tombstone for the win. Wow was this stupid.
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