Monday, November 23, 2015

WWE Raw 11-23-15

They start things off with highlights of the finals - which basically wound up being the whole damn match. Steph does a bad impression of her dad's walk. Or she's trying to march. HHH amusingly says he isn't petty. Sheamus comes out to absolute dead silence. Well, he's been booked like a goober for 90% of his run since returning. Sheamus begs for more "you look stupid" chants. Roman comes down and wants his rematch. Why should Roman get the first shot? RYBACK PINNED SHEAMUS LAST NIGHT. So there's Steph cutting Roman's balls off - 8:14. JESUS! This has already been going on nearly 15 minutes. Rusev sneak-attacks Roman. Get me RUSSIAN UMAGA! is his new role. HHH just announces a TLC match for the title between Sheamus and Roman. So he doesn't even have to beat Rusev to get a title shot. Okay then. That's rather nice of the Authority, then. Wyatts-Brothers of Destruction recap leads to Wyatts vs. Dudleys next.

Dudleys kick a bunch of ass before a break. Discus lariat pins Bubba. So the head and arm tie choke is now a weird bearhug variant. Cole buries Byron for being a dork and we get another Taker/25 video. WWE's narrative of "literally every single era in our history is better than our present" is killing them. YAY SASHA! Tamina appeared to stick her finger in an electrical socket based on her hair. Sasha vs. Becky is up. Becky is nearly as orange as her hair. They go through the motions of an okay match before the armbar is on and Becky is cheated out of the win by a Team Bad save and distraction schoolgirl. Paige yammers on a bit. Paige is the only diva on Raw with a bit of stage presence to her. Paige points out that Charlotte was under the rope - so the win shouldn't count. Well, she's right. Well, Paige is factually correct - Charlotte was under the ropes and thus the ref should've broken it up. New Day hoedown is next.

New Day comes out with Unicorns on a stick and JBL makes Roy Rogers jokes so bad that Cole buries him for being old. Big E, unlike Sheamus - is at least over for SOMETHING.
KOFI HAS A UNICORN HORN HAIRDO! Kofi had a weird bit in here. "This is me saying this, not my character - COUNTRY MUSIC SUUUUCCCKKKS!" Kalisto cuts a horrible promo about "New Day Runts" and the "open the tag team challenge". Usos come out to make it a triple threat. E's "YOU HAVE RUINED OUR JAMBOREE!" "SHAME!" So we get nothing. Paige faces Charlotte tonight for the title.
Charlotte respects Paige, but will win tonight. WOOO! "You can insult my dead brother, but I WILL STILL RESPECT YOU!" Henry's out to face Neville - so I think he's a heel this week. They talk about Henry respecting him on Neville, so maybe he's still a face. Henry dominates until he misses a corner charge, eats a kick and a Red Arrow. Henry shakes his hand and says he'll be good one day. Stardust talks about the forgotten brother being an atom. Titus compliments him on his fine setup - he loved science in school. How about that - Titus actually made a Stardust segment amusing. Cosmic crew faces PTPs and Goldust next. Goldust has some of the best entrance gear in the company. Skinny Ascension guy took an apron bump for THIS match. Chubby one jobs to the Sky High. OH THANK GOD A STATE OF MEXAMERICA ADDRESS WILL SAVE THE SHOW.

Zeb points out that Alberot lost, but Zeb calls it a growing pain. Zeb treated it like an actual nation. Petoria vs. MexAmerica must be settled via War Games. "You went to Grinder and Tinder!" So THAT'S why Zeb's suddenly a big fan of Alberto - his new physique. ADR closes the border to MexAmerica. THEN JACK SWAGGER COMES DOWN! Swagger has aged a decade since his last appearance. Unless Jimmy Golden is coming back as Daddy Swagger, this MexAmerica vs. Swagger thing can just end on SmackDown and I'd be fine with that. Swagger does we the people and the heels...just leave. Paige vs. Charlotte is next.

WWE NETWORK IS  MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN SLING TV! Basic chickenshit heel stuff from Paige leads to a sick back bump on the buckle from Charlotte. Pseudo Regal Stretch from Paige. Paige suplexes her into the ropes a couple of times. LOL-worthy version of Big E's spear through the ropes by Charlotte. They brawl to a double countout on the floor. OH NO! IT'S THE DREADED PTO ON A STABLE SURFACE! Refs break it up, but not Becky - she's a bad friend. Recap of the Authority stacking the deck against Roman.

HEATH SLATER LIVES ON RAW! Heath Slater preparing to sing with wacky kung fu sound effects was amusing. AND HERE COMES RYBACK! Slater bumps like a champ for Ryback, who hits his three moves. Why not just do a match then? Dean and Dolph team up to face Owens and Tyler. OH GOD! Dean is now on par with Dolph Ziggler...who will probably beat Tyler here. VIVA 50/50!

Zero intros here.  Dolph joins Owens in the working in a shirt club. Dean beats Tyler with the Dirty Deeds. Heck of a push for the new guy. We get a skit with JBL and Torito, and Henry wanting Mexican or Texican food. Mark Henry dreams about TexMex and JBL-Torito. ALL THANKS TO CARL'S JR! Oh my fucking God. That Carl's Jr. skit was literally worse than the White Castle of Fear. Rusev's out, followed by Sheamus, who will be on ESPN tomorrow.

Big Dog outpunches Rusev to start. Roman sends him packing and argues with Sheamus for a sec. Post-break chinlock from Rusev. Sheamus gets tossed and Roman gets 2 off a distraction schoolboy. Superman punch hits while they're all shocked that Roman's move that gets 2 got 2. Superman punch on the floor. Drive by. BARRETT BULLHAMMERS ROMAN! LOL. Barrett gets beat up with his own chair. Then Rusev eats it too.


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