Monday, November 30, 2015

WWE Raw 11-30-15

RAW IS NEW DAY! New Day are now officially a main event-level act...and boy is that a sign of WWE's good points and bad points all rolled into one. They go for some cheap heat on the Steelers and then announce that they're having a party for Sheamus. He has a suit on and looks slightly less goofy. Xavier said that Roman's reign lasted as long as a Street Fighter IV fight. Yes, have Sheamus dance like the mid-card goobers - establishing that they're the real stars while THE CHAMPION is the sidekick. Sheamus is trying to get "Sheamus 5:15 says I JUST KICKED YER ARSE!" over. Good luck with that. So if there was any doubt, there is ZERO hope for WWE with Sheamus as champion. Sheamus comes off like a fan who is overjoyed to be handed a replica belt and get to pose like a real wrestler at Axxess. Then Roman cheapshots him like a dickhead, and then he steals that title that Sheamus earned fair and square. HHH and Steph THE HEELS logically point out that the babyface is in the wrong. Now they want to get "Magic Mohawk" over as a thing for Sheamus. And tonight, Roman faces Sheamus for the title - and to win, he has to beat him in under 5:15.

 Tyler vs. Dolph is up to allow SOMEONE to join the exclusive 50/50 club. They do fuck-all before the break, and we get a post-break chancery. Dolph wins with the superkick. Rusev and Lana return to TV on Miz TV.  Excellent - can they go back to being Evil Ruskies again, please?! Lana returns and says she never went all the way with Dolph, while the fans chant "yes you did!". Also, them breaking up just made their love stronger. "I broken her heart, BUT THAT'S IT!" Rusev is amazing. Ryback is against love, apparently. Now we're told that Ryback vs. Rusev was already scheduled.

Despite the show being over 3 hours long, we're joined in progress. It's a Ryback match, so this is probably a good move. And the Power of Love costs Rusev a match. Way to get zero human beings involved over, WWE. Quite the roid belly under the singlet of Ryback. HHH threatens Ambrose, and the Dudleyz come out. Joe-Balor recap from NXT. LOL. They're actually re-doing the Dixie spraypaint angle, only with duct tape and paint. Devon rattles off the VINTAGE DUDLEYS commandments. The babyfaces call out the heels, who accept the challenge. DREAMER IS BACK IN WWE. So much for that TNA agent gig. And he has a new theme! So to recap Raw, Tommy Dreamer is more over than both the WWE World Champion and his top contender. To re-recap Raw - there's no reason to watch TLC because all of the big matches are happening for free in some form here. Dudleys and Dreamer against the Wyatts here. All heck has broken loose! It's a no contest. Bubba sends Bray through a table.

Goldust...who gets no name in his graphic faces Alberto. WWE is fantastic at spending a lot of money on writers to ensure that their highly-paid talent comes out to dead silence. They recap Swagger vs. Alberto from SD. Alberto buries Goldust for being out of date and full of hate. JBL rants a bit. "HE'S A FOUR TIME WORLD CHAMPION AND HE'S THE UNITED STATES CHAMPION, AND HE'S NEVER BEEN BETTER!" By definition, he has been better at least four other times in his career. Del Rio wins with the double stomp. Becky has a great idea. "I have a great idea to prevent you from thinking about Paige - MENTIONING PAIGE!" And to wrestle Charlotte for reasons. Ric shows up and says he's paid to woo, so he woos after a pinky swear. GOOD GOD ARE THESE HUMAN BEINGS ANNOYING.

Lucha Dragons are out for a no. 1 contender's match against some other team. THE USOS. Okay then. New Day does commentary and interferes to prevent having anyone to face them. Steph punishes the Usos for being associated with Roman. Brie's out to face Sasha. WHAT THA!? is Naomi's thing now, I think. At least Naomi looked at a screen. Now that can fuck right off with this "unity" shit. Authority has approved Becky vs. Charlotte! Nice of Brie to time the kicks by slapping her thigh long before the foot lands. Backstabber>Bank statement wins. THE WORLD TITLE MATCH IS NOW!?

Several people fist bump him. Sheamus kicks out of a pair of cradles at 1 and 2 for a lariat. 1 and a half minutes into a 5 minute match and I'm already not interested. Roman hits a running whoopsie to take Sheamus down on the floor. Samoan drop gets 2. Mid-card heels ADR, Barrett, and Rusev save Sheamus. MexAmerica has now added a Brit, a Bulgarian, and an Irishman. Sheamus relaxes next to Lilian and is completely exhausted in this FIVE MINUTE MATCH! Now they're the League of Nations. Sheamus says everyone's name and Roman cheapshots him. Wacky merch shilling with NEW DAY! NEW DAY HOODIES WITH HORNS!

Charlotte comes out with Ric and does THE WORST STRUT EVER. Paige and JBL bury Byron. Fantastic Power Rangers fight here with everyone almost making contact. Charlotte fakes an injury to win. VINTAGE RIC FLAIR SO IT'S OKAY! Paige the heel points out the awful sportsmanship here. Roman Empire battles the League of Nations in the main event. Becky points out that Charlotte cheated to win. Charlotte says she didn't cheat - she didn't hurt her. Becky is pissed and Paige rubs salt in the wounds. Michael Cole talks about Adam Rose and the WWE Minute. He recaps the Rusev-Lana-Dolph-Tyler-Summer deal and buries Rusev. So whatever this was was bad. Well, that was awful. STARDUST IS SURELY THE SOLUTION TO THIS SHIT! Titus attacked Ascension and Stardust now hates Christmas. LOL @ "this is awesome" chants for SD. Bubba Ray faces Bray on SD.
 Roman's team gets no intros, while the League of Nations gets a new tron with Sheamus's theme. New Day is out. New Day is not Austin - don't overexpose this largely one-dimensional act. They get to join the League of Nations. CAN ROMAN OVERCOME THE ODDS!? Babyfaces do the Unicorn Stampede on New Day. THAT IS THEFT. SHAME! Everyone in this match is "Special Main Event"-level KISS Demon. After some moves, an Uso goes down to a knee injury. USO HEEL TURN INCOMING!? Roman has MORE ODDS to overcome! After several eons, we got some ADR-Roman stuff. Sheamus kicks Dean's head off, because IN A MATCH WITH THE USOS, Dean Ambrose should do the job. Sheamus kicks Roman too. Cole ends the show with "THIS IS THE STATE OF WWE NOW!" Wow.

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