Tuesday, June 14, 2016

TNA Impact 6-14-16 - Gold Rush


Slammiversary has come and gone and the company remains doomed - but fear not, JEFF HARDY GETS A KING OF THE MOUNTAIN TITLE SHOT tonight. LIVE IMPACT TIME. I've got a black screen and a video package going in and out. Now it's time for about 50 ads for That '70s Show. DOES POP HAVE MORE THAN THREE ADS FOR ITS NETWORK!? Jesus.It's 9:08 and still no actual show. This is hilarious.


  Since we can't watch Impact live, here's amusing stuff from years past.

 
 
After 15 minutes of ads about Pop TV, we get a Geico ad. Now a kid is shitting itself in a Charmin ad. At 9:18, it's time for Impact. Jeff Hardy is mid-ring to face Eli Drake. HAHAHA We get half of Eli's entrance and then BACK TO ADS!
A half second of something leads to Lashley coming out with the belt. So this is a great time for Pop to have nixed the replay. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ADS AGAIN. Oh my God. TNA is doomed. This is apparently all due to Pop's master controls, and it's dooming everyone. Lashley says it's live TV and anything can happen. That's for goddamn sure!
 
 


We get an Adam and Eve ad, then 20 seconds of an EC3-Drew heart to heart before MORE ADS! MINUTE 45 OF A TWO HOUR SHOW IS ADS. To be fair, this is legit more compelling than Raw. Minute 51 and we've got GS Helms being a goober on Twitter. It has been 22 minutes since we last saw Impact - when Drew and EC3 had a brief, friendly chat. POP is tweeting.


Now we've got a crawl about the show being aired later. EC3 is great on Twitter about all this stuff. Let the record show that at 10:51, Impact FINALLY BEGAN AIRING! We get a recap of Drew-Lashley and then Lashley comes out - so that was supposed to be the start of the show and they were trying to join it in progress or something before.

"I am the most dominate world champion that TNA has ever had!" Could Lashley please get sucked into the vortex again, please? EC3 comes down and Lashley sings his theme for a second. "I almost caught myself dancing to that cute little music you have! Okay,  Lashley redeemed a decade of bad talking with that one line. They yammer a bit before Drew comes out. Welcome to a very special EVERYBODY TALKS TOO MUCH edition of Impact. I'm digging Drew's new shirt. Wouldn't buy it, but it looks good. WWE Trope 101 - Ex-Champion Invokes Rematch Clause happens tonight when Drew faces Lashley. Recap of a Facebook promo between Jeff and Eli. JB looks so very strange.
Jeff is in black and red, and we get a minor break with just one Pop ad - which after 70 minutes of ads, is hilarious. Eli lariats him on the floor and we learn that Eli's knee strike>lariat is called Blunt Force Trauma. Chinlock city by Eli. Pope on Slammiversary - "The athletes in TNA went 100%. 100 times that!" Pope is full of shit. Eli goes for a SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK, which I didn't expect, but Jeff powerbombs him out of that and hits the double legdrop for 2. Swanton hits, but Matt bites Earl Hebner. They brawl for a bit and then Jeff sloppily tosses a chair towards Matt.
EC3-Drew chit chat time. Jeff talks about Matt being deranged and out of his drunken skull mind. He calls him Brother Moore. Matt cuts a promo on him from the stairs. Jeff says I HAD A CHANCE TO BE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN CHAMPION tonight. He stands here because THIS IS THE ORIGIN OF BROKEN MATT HARDY! Jeff talks about Maxel "I love Maxel, Y'ALL LOVE MAXEL!" and how he'd rather see Matt headbutt windows than this bullshit. Matt is going to continue to fill and fulfill his revenge. Glorious. "YOUR DAY OF RECKONING IS COMING. POST-HASTE!" They brawl a bit on the steps and Reby blasts Jeff with a fire extinguisher. They have no room to do anything, and then Matt shoves Jeff down the railing and through a tbale.
 
 
Matt makes crazy faces after the break. Helms is back out to second Trevor Lee. Pope says he's got the green jacket, so now Lee is going to win. Josh says he protested being taken away from ringside, and won - so he can come back. Pope talks about manager's licenses for a bit. Lee eats a high kick up top, but avoids the backpack stunner. Lee hits a flying knee for 2. Eddie dives on Helms, who does a Flair flop. Boston Knee Party hits and wins for Eddie. The overweight, seemingly mentally challenged fat person in the lower left-hand corner of the crowd is distracting me. TNA HOF recaps.

Robbie looks at Raquel in a bikini on Instagram. Jessie talks about Big Brother After Dark on Pop. Jessie does Big Brother camera feeds and we get to see...catering dishes, a guy next to a desk, and a fence. And also, Raquel stripping backstage.

 
 

The roster is on-stage for the HOF announcement. Please be Cranky Al Snow! Dixie thanks everyone who sacrificed themselves for TNA. Unless she owes you money. Gail is being inducted, and she's quite deserving. She built the division and definitely deserves a lot of credit for making women's wrestling a ratings draw long before the "divas revolution".  Gail's theme may actually be one of the best in TNA history. I haven't heard it much outside of just being an intro theme, but it's pretty epic. Gail is in tears and thanks the fans. She thanks Dixie for giving her the platform to perform. Gail is congratulated by the roster while Pope talks about being inducted into the boxing hall of fame. He should brag about his future Worst Announcer of the Year Award too.
 


Rosemary climaxes while saying "decay" over and over. Recap of Marti Belle attacking Jade. Marti blames Jade for the Dollhouse having a billion leaders and Jade throwing away a nine year friendship. Jade and Marti brawl for a bit after getting into a wacky argument. Marti and her giant flower pants were something else. BroMans and Shera/Grado are in the ring now. Decay comes out, and I guess The Tribunal was there too before anyone else or something. This is a FOUR TEAM BASH, which is a name for some reason.


Instead of having Shera be the guy who gets the hot tag and does limited stuff, he STARTS THE MATCH. Of course! Awful double elbow by Grado and Shera gets 2. Grado and Robbie do amusing comedy bits. Basile comes in - and he's the former French Stallion, so I can remember that name a bit easier. It's 2016 and Josh Mathews is talking about crazy fans stalking the New Kids on the Block. Robbie's finisher is now just a transitional move that puts guys into the corner for Jessie to land a billion strikes. Pop-up rana misses Steve, but he sells it anyway. Hart Attack into the Crab, but Abyss chokeslams him and then Shera flies onto him. Snow prevents anything else from happening and shoves Grado off the top so Steve can be chokeslammed onto him for the win. How very odd.

Mike in a pineapple shirt, Maria, and Allie are backstage. Maria's pissed and wants to leave TNA, but Mike convinces her to come to the ring and cut a promo. Jeff cuts a promo on Matt before Maria comes out and cuts a promo. Pope is as baffled as anyone on Earth watching this and seeing Bennett wearing a pineapple shirt. He wants Dixie, but gets WILLIAM CORGAN and the CORGANTRON!
Corgan comes out in a shit brown suit that Maria loves. He calls her MKB and says he can have his assistant set up a meeting. 
Dixie - "You are out here wasting PRECIOUS WORDS WHEN WE COULD BE WATCHING WRESTLING!"
Maria (on Dixie) - "How about you stop pointing fingers at everybody else and start pointing fingers at yourself. YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!"
Then Dixie slaps Maria.  Well, that was surreal. We get a recap of the slap. We go to the ring and see a freeze frame of the slap and a freeze frame of the PPV main event. Main event is up next. Wow does this show fly by without ads. Lashley comes out in his fight gear and looks like such a star.

Drew goes for the Claymore to start again - but Lashley avoids it and Pope says now that pinfalls are legal, that would've been a perfect strategy. Suplex by Drew alongside corner chops. Great stuff on the floor with an overhead belly to belly on the steps. Drew gets posted and hit with a big elbow. Galloway avoids the spear by locking on a Kimura - but Lashley gets the rope. Drew pops behind him off a suplex and hits a neckbreaker. Drew goes for the flying lariat, but Lashley locks on his own Iron Maiden. Drew goes for a tombstone, but Lashley grabs a kneebar. Lashley fights up for a takedown, but a snap piledriver hits for 2.  Outstanding nearfall. Super celtic cross gets 2! Ref bump off a Claymore. Spear by Lashley to Drew. SECOND SPEAR! Lashley grabs a chair, but EC3 prevents it. EC3 grabs the chair and Lashley moves, so EC3 hits Drew and spears EC3. Head and arm choke wins it for Lashley. Fun match and the show ended at 12:20. Not too bad all things considered.






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