Monday, June 6, 2016

WWE Raw 6-6-16

Dean is walking down to the ring while...everyone else in MITB is standing mid-ring on ladders, as ya do. How silly. Owens is great telling Lilian to shut up, says they're all famous and buries Jericho for saying he's the best in the world at what he does. Owens says he'll face Jean-Pierre Lafeatte, the Horsemen, Waylon Mercy - EVERYONE but the guys in the ring. Alberto argues with Spanish, and then gets mocked by Owens. Dean buries Jericho for sitting on the ladder with his legs crossed. This is the best bad segment since Impact. Jericho jokes around, Dean hops up on his ladder, punches him down and everyone brawls. Teddy returns and he HAS to be making a tag match, playa! LOLed at Teddy faux-screwing up WWE's wacky verbiage AGAIN. And then he talks about how he'd make every kind of every kind of match. So is all this silliness a sign of WWE being shockingly unaware and yet trying to be self-aware?

Steph comes down and belittles Teddy, because of course she does. Steph says that Shane isn't here - he's on vacation! Steph orders them to NOT hit his music, and then Steph makes a SERIES OF SINGLES MATCHES. So Steph gets to bury Teddy, then take his dance and theme. Cesaro vs. Jericho is made, and starts with an arm wringer and Cesaro doing the multiple kip-ups. Nice uppercut to the triangle dropkick. Back and forth forearm/uppercut exchange. Walls is countered into the Swing! Sharpshooter gets the win for Cesaro. LOL @ Cole cutting Byron's Ali tribute off to COMPARE ALI TO ROMAN REIGNS!

We get a Seth vs. Roman mini-doc talking about how Seth wants to be the best ever. We see the beginning of the Shield and the end of it on 6/2/14 - so almost two years later, they tell a perfect story for him. Outstanding video showcasing that Seth is a determined babyface who overcame a lot of odds and wants the title back that he never lost. Then, we see him playing wrestler as a kid. HOW THIS IS MAN SUPPOSED TO BE BOOED!? This company is astonishing. It's like they know how to put the puzzle together - they just don't want to see the picture completed and prefer to see a jumbled mess. "The thing with Roman is he's just a placeholder" Amazing. Seth without the giant blonde streak is such a better main event look.
And then Lana is mid-ring to introduce Rusev, who gets to kill Swagger next. Titus is on commentary, Rusev wins, and we get some brawling. Mid-card treadmill for all. Club beatdown recap leads to Cena coming out and another recap. AJ and the Club come out and we get some back and forth between Cena and the Bullet Club - which is seemingly the name WWE is going to go with in every way they legally can. Heels come down and then New Day runs out to give a 4-3 edge to the faces.

Team SAWFT cuts a promo on the Villains. Enzo remains amazing, and Cass is big and tan. They recreate the Enzo spot, but it leads to a big schmozz and a non-finish. Twitter montage on Ali. Sami vs. ADR is up.  They have good chemistry, but aren't doing anything special here. Sami tosses him off for the stomp once, but it finally hits and it's over. Roman hype video talking about Seth being "the architect" IF YOU ASK HIM, HE CREATED POP-TARTS! Roman could not sound less excited talking about his brother in arms turning on him. It's like he's just reciting a grocery list to a voice recorder. As a result of them nixing the curb stomp, the narrative of the WM recap there is Roman hit a shitty spear on Brock and then he did so much damage to himself that Seth pinned him. WM 32 recap - Roman hits clotheslines. MANY. MANY CLOTHESLINES. And punches. And some spears.
Owens vs. Dean is up after a wacky backstage bit. Super-fun match with them again. Owens gets the cannonball and a frog splash off the apron, and then Dean hits the DDT. Dean beats him and Dean climbs the ladder. Owens tips the ladder over and Dean hits the rope. Another wacky Backlund/Darren skit where Backlund steals his car another state...and makes him walk to the building. What?  Whatever. Charlotte is mid-ring with Dana, who looks awful. Makeup gun set to "whore" for this look. We've got Nattie, Becky, Dana, and Charlotte in there and Becky's hair is the most natural thing in the ring. Heels beat up the faces and Dana does a wacky hip-swaying double bicep pose.

Shining Stars green screen promo. Breezedango comes out and Breeze shaves Fandango's back and they talk about how hair removal makes you more aerodynamic. It's late 2016 and Goldust is the Rhodes in WWE with a main roster job...well, he's the one who deserves it, but man is it amazing given all he's been through. Everyone brawls. So what was a...was that a match is now going to be a tag match? Teddy comes out. Yup. Gotta be. And then Teddy is forced out. So logically, this isn't a match, right? Steph says that a dancing fool will never run SD, and Vince wants someone young! So WWE is an ageist company? Also, I think Steph is a heel again. For this segment.


Another generic Twitter montage for Ali leads to an actual highlight video. It's outstanding, and I love seeing all this pristine Ali footage. Cole says that Ali-Monsoon made him a WWE fan. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. Ambrose Asylum returns next week with Seth and Roman. Club comes out and beats New Day up. Clash on the floor. Club destroys New Day six ways from Sunday. Cena comes out afterwards. CAN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS!?
Yup. Heels get mangled after the match. YES! 50/50 booking without two matches! So nothing meant anything on this historic edition of Monday Night Raw. What a nothing show - Cena is just a dude after a week. Roman is just done. Seth is nothing, and AJ is a weak top-level heel - as is everyone who isn't Steph.

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